Hump Day

     It's Wednesday morning and it's going well so far. Caleb is on the bus to school. It is now 0705. I forgot to take my Genius Mushrooms and CBD today, but it will be ok. I am doing hape' to get in the mood to clean this house today. Yesterday I took a shower and went to Lowe's Foods and Food Lion and did some grocery shopping. I tried to not buy alot. I bought zucchini, yellow squash, and mushrooms to cook with the chuck roast I already had in the fridge. I made that for dinner. It was good. Carla came over at 1400 and we had a bible study together with Tyrone and a friend of theirs. I stayed busy yesterday for sure. 

    Today I need to focus on the house cleaning. I will start with the laundry again. I will then vacuum the hallway and prep it to be steam cleaned. I will see how I feel after I complete that. When I went to lie down yesterday, everything hurt. I had pain everywhere. Fibromyalgia is no joke. All I did was grocery shopping, but that meant moving the groceries in and out of the Mazda by myself. It was heavy stuff too. 

    Today I woke up tired. I am feeling better now that I have had my meds and supplements and hape'. Hape' makes a difference to me. 

    It was chilly and sprinkling while we waited outside for the bus this morning. The flashlight we use is dying and needs to be recharged. I saw no sign of the sun coming up this morning like I have the past 2 days. 

    I paid the bills yesterday, and now only have enough money to put gas in the Mazda. I am trying not to freak out. I won't have more money until the 20th. I think I have enough food until then. I will not be able to put more gas in the Mazda later though. I think I might have money available on my credit cards. I will have to check that out this morning. I need to know if I have any assets available to help us get through this month. 

    I hear the birds outside. I hear the traffic going by. It is getting lighter, but still no sign of the sun. I am happy to see that my mortgage payment went through. I need at least 2 more reviews on heal.me to have my business profile complete and visible in the searches. I have a friend who is willing to have me do a Reiki session for her. Nana is willing to do a session too. I just need to schedule them both.

    I haven't looked at my personal statement for my VA claim in awhile. I have been overwhelmed with work at home and the new schedule starts our day at 0530. We use to get up at 0700. It's a big shift. Now I am doing everything alone since Caleb is not here. It's alot quieter during the day without his computer, tv, and phone on in the background. Part of my depression was from empty nest syndrome. Part of it was from the lack on sunlight. Part of it was from grieving. Part of it was dealing with chronic body pains. I am trying everything in my power to figure out how to get around these pains. I have to be able to work around the house at a minimum. I have to prove to the VA that I cannot function right now. I need assistance. 

    I requested talk therapy through my psychiatrist at the VA. She is going to discuss it with her team. I am supposed to be using a light box. I have it here, but I am not sure it is plugged in. I will have to ask for Caleb's help when he gets home. 

    I don't know if I ever mentioned how hard it is for me to take a shower and get dressed. I managed to take a shower yesterday, and dress myself completely by myself. I was out of breath trying to get my compression tank top on. It took a long time for me to be able to pull it down over my breasts. It gets stuck on my shoulder blades and it makes it harder to pull down over me. I did it though. I usually have Caleb to pull it down in the back for me. It takes us less time when we work together, rather than I try to do it myself. 

    I have to schedule my showers, and I only take one a week. This is because of how it impacts my energy levels. I feel so done for the day after I take a shower. I just want to rest for the rest of the day. It was a big accomplishment to go out in the world yesterday and do anything. I actually did way more than I can usually do on a shower day. Once I take a shower, that's it for the day usually. I don't do anything else because I can't manage it. Also, I don't want to get dirty after I showered. 

    I use to be able to shower 2-3 times a day with no troubles. I can't anymore. I do manage to keep myself somewhat clean between showers with these tea tree oil wipes for face and body. I manage to keep my hair done usually too. I use a special hair grease that helps hair growth. I used it when I was in the Army and had to shower alot. It was damaging my hair, and I didn't like using gel or hairspray every time I had to do my hair. 

    I don't know if I will ever find a partner. I have been chatting with Nigel. I miss him. I wish he lived closer. We would probably get back together. We didn't have issues before I went to basic training. It was when I went to basic training and began calling my dad on Sundays when we were allowed to call for 10 minutes, instead of calling him. He wasn't giving me the support that my dad did. I needed to talk to my dad to get through what I was going through. He had a good idea of what I was going through because he went through basic training before. Nigel didn't. He had no clue how hard it was for me. I got injured with stress fractures in my hips and femur and was on crutches for 6 weeks. I needed to hear my dad, who was a Sergeant when he served, tell me how to keep my head up. Nigel told me to come home. I didn't want to give up though. He accused me of cheating on him. I wasn't cheating. I was calling my dad instead of him. 

    I'm so disabled these days. I have a long list of things wrong with me. I have another long list of medications that I am prescribed. I have an even longer list of supplements that I take to try to help me out. I need to practice Reiki daily. I have this new back stretch video set that I need to watch. I don't know if my dvd player works anymore though. 

    I need a new air fryer. The old one was recalled, so we got rid of it. I couldn't follow the instructions. Don't ask me why. I just couldn't. We ended up throwing the dangerous air fryer away. Caleb use to use it frequently. I would like to have it to cook some fish fillets. 

    Christinia's situation is looking up. We got my Volvo towed to a nearby auto shop to have the diagnostic work done to figure out what is keeping the car from staying on. She is getting help from a veteran organization near her. I might need to find out if they work over here too. I need help. She has been going through alot lately. I am so happy that she is getting the help she needs.

    Rachel is looking good with her sweet grandson in their photos. I am so happy for her. I love babies.

    My mom tried to send me money through Venmo but it went directly to the negative balance. I can't receive money in paypal or Venmo anymore. They both have large negative balances due the scammer I was dealing with. I thought I was going to make easy money, but I got scammed in the process. 

    I wish I could get my business up and running. I would love to help people with my training. The whole point was to help myself and then help others. I have to refresh my Revelation Breathwork training and Vocal Resonance Training. My memory is bad so I need to refresh frequently because I am not currently using those modalities on myself like I want to.  

    It looks alot lighter outside, but still no sunlight. 

    I still haven't done the rest of my morning routines. I still need to wash my face and brush my hair. I guess I should get going on that. I still have house work to do. It's not going to get done by itself, that's for sure!

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Tuesday morning

     It's just a Tuesday morning. This morning went well with Caleb. I got paid today so I was able to pay the bills. It's not easy with things being so expensive these days. I worry all the time about how I am going to be able to buy groceries. My mortgage payment is going up due to not having enough money to pay the taxes and insurance. I am afraid of what that is going to do. It's not like I'm able to make money on the side. I'm trying but failing. 

    The woman I thought I was working with left me in alot of debt. She screwed me over. I'm now sure she is a scammer. I have debt in my paypal and venmo accounts. 

    Thank God the sun is shining today. I really need to see the sun everyday to have good days. I have been suffering with depression for the last week or so pretty badly. Yesterday I was able to get some laundry done. I was able to make dinner too. Those are big improvements. Sounds small, but if you only the changes that took effect for me to get them done, you would understand. 

    I have chronic lower back pain and pelvis pain. I am trying to work on a solution that is long lasting so that I can get my house cleaned up. I take kratom in the morning and that helps until about 1300 or so. I can't take more than one dose a day I found out by experimenting. So... at least I can work in the mornings without pain. 

    Nana uses belladonna for her pain. I might give it a try.

    I can't use the delta-8 products like I wanted because they make me want to sleep. 

    Reiki helps me sometimes. I haven't been practicing daily like I once was. 

    Caleb brought home a good grade in science yesterday! Yay Caleb!

    Carla is coming over today so I am trying to plan my day around that. I still have laundry to do. I have dishes to wash. I need to take a shower. I have alot of cleaning that needs to be done but don't know about my energy and pain levels. 

    I am just trying to figure out my new schedule now that Caleb is going to public school. It's a big shift for both of us. He is liking going to school. 

    Well, it is now 0855. I have taken my shower. I was able to get dressed by myself, which I can't always do. I have Caleb help me put on my compression tank top. It gets stuck on my shoulder blades. I was able to put it on by myself today!

    I am going to get the laundry going and then figure out what to do next. I have alot to get done. It is so beautiful outside today. I am so incredibly grateful. 

    Hape' is keeping me on a high note. I'm not high. I'm just not low either. With this depression I've been battling, I've been really low. Feels better when I use hape'.

    I don't feel like working, but if I don't do it, it won't get done. I might need to stand in the sun for a few minutes and recharge.

    I use to be able to call my dad any time of the day or night, and I would too. We would talk about all sorts of things. We would talk about what is going in the news, what is going with Caleb, how I am feeling and on and on. He was my source of comedic relief. He always had something funny to say that would make me laugh. I miss that the most about him. Now I am without my dad and it's not easy. He would coach me and give me motivation to get the things done that I need to get done. I still need my dad. 

    I do talk with Nana on a regular basis. I check in with her frequently throughout the day to get my head straight. I am glad she is here. I need someone to help me, even if it is only to talk through things. 

    I need to ask my psychiatrist for a therapy referral. I don't know if talk therapy will help me much, but I won't know until I try it. 

    I guess I will get going on the house cleaning. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Just a different Saturday

     It is now 0928 on Saturday morning. I have been awake since 0700. I took my meds and gave Caleb his. We took a trip to Food Lion to buy some donuts. I binged on donuts. I hit the delta-8 vape after I took my meds. It makes me want to eat. I haven't been eating as usual lately. My depression gets in the way. I just want to sleep. I wish I could spend the day in bed with no worries. 

    Now that Caleb is home, we can clean up the house like I want to. I have to clean the kitchen, living room and hallway. Caleb needs to clean his room so I can clean the carpet. I need to get the laundry going. I need to clean up my room too. Nana needs help moving stuff around in her room. Both bathrooms need to be cleaned. My space at the table needs to be cleaned. I don't know where to start in order to be able to get as far as we can in this huge list of things to do. I think if I start the laundry that would be a step in the right direction. I need to collect the dishes that are everywhere and load the dishwasher to run it too. 

    I have so much I need to do. All I want to do is stay in bed. I didn't take the kratomade yet. I did hit the Mellow Fellow "Recover", "juicy fruit" delta-8 vape pen. 

    I remembered this morning that I purchased a new back wrap with light therapy and massage therapy options the other day. I was wondering if it had been shipped yet. It hasn't yet. That thing is going to be awesome because it is battery operated, instead of needing to be plugged in. That means I can use it to prevent my lower back pain while I am working.

    Part of the hardest part about keeping the house clean is my lower back and pelvis pain that is chronic. It hurts to stand or bend over. It's hard to squat. Alot of the chores that need to be done require me to those things. I'm far from being in shape. 

    I wonder where Caleb went. He is not in his usual place to hangout. He normally spends time in the living room with his Xbox turned on, his computer on, and his phone playing music. I bet he went back to sleep or something, He needs some coffee. We have work to get done, and I am determined to get it done.

    Well, it is now Monday morning. I never finished my blog on Saturday. I never got any work done on Saturday either. Sunday went better. I only used hape' and kratomade to help me with my pain and depression on top of using my meds. I was able to get started, but I was moving so slowly. I was able to get the laundry going first like I wanted. I then loaded the dishwasher and hand-washed some dishes. I supervised Caleb to take the trash outside to the bins. 

    Today was a good start day. I woke up 10 minutes before my first alarm. I had to use the bathroom. I remembered to weigh in. I got Caleb up so we could get ready to go to the bus stop. I gave him his meds, then took mine. My back is hurting so I went ahead and took a kratomade drink. I have to be able to clean up today. I have no appointments today, so I want to make the most of it. I have more laundry to wash. I still need to clean the kitchen. I just did some hape'. 

    Today's plan is to continue doing laundry. Work on the kitchen and living room to the best of my ability, and if I can vacuum and clean the hallway carpet. We shall see how it goes. 

    I was feeling better yesterday because the sun was out, and the day was beautiful. I managed to stay at home all day. 

    Saturday I had a sugar day. I went to Food Lion and bought doughnuts and cookies. I was able to buy krispy kreme doughnuts. I don't know what came over me, but I felt the need for sweets. Since I was having an off-diet day, we ordered Domino's pizza for dinner. I can't remember the last time I had Domino's. It was all tasty. 

    I hoped that Caleb and I would work on Saturday, but I used delta-8 and couldn't work while high. I felt so much better I thought I could work without pain, but I felt like relaxing in bed instead. I kept fighting the urge to go to bed, but eventually I gave up. I need a delta-8 that won't make me want to go to bed so I can work. Maybe I should just take a smaller hit. 

    Today we don't have any appointments, so I have no distractions from what I need to do here. It's nice and cold outside which helps me. I get so hot easily. I want to catch up on my house work so I can focus on my self-work. I have classes that I have purchased and want to actually take. I haven't started them because I haven't had the time to myself yet. Once I catch up and establish a new routine to keep things in order, I will be able to add to my schedule. I am working on what our baseline for living is. We need a clean house in order to function properly. 

    I want to be a Yoga Therapist among other things. I want to learn how to exercise my vagal nerve to release effects of trauma. I want to practice my Reiki every day. I want to practice Vocal Resonance Method every day too, along with Revelation Breathwork. I want to be confident in my practices before I offer them through my business. 

    I have to update my website again. I am an affiliate for the products I use frequently. I use the hape' from Four Visions Marketplace. I use the delta-8 from Mellow Fellow. I use the kratom drink powder from Kratomade. I need to write about how I use them and how they impact my days. 

    I want to spend time with my instruments too. I have an acoustic guitar that I have not even taken out of the box yet. I have crystal singing bowls. I have frame drums. I want to use them and become comfortable with them. I want to be able to make my own music one day.

     I'm getting ready to get moving. I have to complete my morning routines. Then I can begin cleaning.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

What to Do

     The question is what to do now. I have wasted the last several days. I spent them in bed for the most part. Monday was parent/teacher conference day. I was able to visit with 3 out of 4 of Caleb's teachers and got good reports from them all. The last teacher was on leave. Tuesday I slept until I had to go pick Caleb up for his appointment. I arrived about 1430, and got snapped at by the receptionist for picking FCaleb up so late, right before school lets out. I did not know that I was not allowed to pick Caleb up at the ned of the day before school lets out, but the receptionist was not happy about it. She was adamant that she told me that last time I was there. I have a bad memory, and she may have told me, and I just forgot it. In one ear and out the  other. I don't know. I don't deserve to be snapped at by someone who works at the school. I am a new mom for God's sake! Caleb just started school there at the beginning of January. 

    I picked Caleb up, and we left before all the traffic problems arose. I got Caleb to his 1530 appointment with his psychiatrist on time. It was aa long distance away, and I was worried that I did not leave enough time between picking Caleb up and getting to his appointment. The appointment went well, and actually we removed some of Caleb's prescriptions from his renewal list. He is no longer taking his night medications to help him sleep. He is also no longer taking his afternoon medications. He was having side effects of the afternoon medications that made Caleb feel sick. All is well, and Caleb does not have to be seen again by his psychiatrist for 2 months!

    Wednesday I did not go anywhere. I rested at home. There was no sunlight for the second or third day in a row. There is no sunshine today either. It is dark outside because of the cloud cover. I am struggling with depression and low back pain. I have been using delta-8 products by Mellow Fellow. I used the "Grease Monkey" delta-8 vape with success! It helped with my pain and I was able to relax. 

    Yesterday I tried taking the kratomade in the morning after I take my medications and supplements. I did some hape' too. I was trying to wake up. I was fighting my tiredness in a bad way. I was drinking my diet Mountain Dew like non-stop. Nothing was helping me position myself to be able to work on the house. The kratomade will help with the pain, and it will not let me fall asleep. The hape' helps too. I was just so tired. I am exhausted from even thinking about all this housework I have to do. I am tired from seeing it this way. Caleb came home yesterday and did not work on the house like I needed him to. He was tired from school. 

    Today we have no appointments. I do need to go to CVS to pick up Caleb's meds and a special item for Nana. I must have broken my Wolfnotch Suga Pro. It won't even charge anymore. I can't power it up. So now, I need a new watch. I liked the fitbit versa 2 that was gifted to me. It eventually broke apart, but I had it for several years. 

    Today I have to get things done. I am feeling better, even without the sun shining today. I used hape' as a pick me up. 

    I need to get work done around here. It was nice to be able to relax without the constant pressure to have it done already.

    I am going to check out my vaping supplies and medications first. Then I will get the laundry going. Then I can probably wash some dishes. I need to collect all the dishes from around the house. I don't know where our silverware has gone. It is always disappearing. 

    I still have to go to CVS. I might stop at Amsterdam Life to see about their mods that can replace what I already have. I have killed the batteries on these that I have. 

    I have been approved for the HISA grant to have accommodations made to my house. I need to follow up with that. I need to go to Wilmington to the VA to pick up the saliva sample supplies for my Endocrinology labs. I was sent a free living will and other documents to fill out. I am still working on my VA claim. I am still writing the personal statement to submit with my file. 

    I have so much to do and seemingly like no time to do it all. 

    I lost where I was. I got distracted by a surveyor coming onto the property into the backyard. I had to let the dogs out too. Then it started raining. 

    I have yet to look and see if I need to replace my e-cigarettes. The batteries are not staying charged for as long as they use to. 

    I feel better now. I am going to do more hape' and go take care of myself. I have not even brushed my hair nor washed my face yet and it's almost lunch time. 

    I am glad the dogs are quiet and peaceful now. Bubba was making a fuss to be let outside. 

    It hasn't been easy adjusting to Caleb's new schedule. I did not realize how much assistance he provides, and now he is at school all day. I need help to pick things off the floor. It hurts my back and pelvis to stand up, walk, or bend over.

    I have groceries to put away. I have trash to pick up. I have to vacuum the hallway before I can steam clean it. I need Caleb to plug in the vacuum for me. I then need him to plug in the steam cleaner for me. I need him to hand me the groceries from the bags on the floor. I need him to bring me the dirty dishes from everywhere so I can clean them. I need him to pick up the trash that is thrown everywhere. It is never-ending.

    I managed to take a shower on Monday before going to the parent/teacher conferences. I feel the need for another one since I have been dripping sweat over the last few days. I feel better now. I am not sweating, and do not feel so hot. I feel cooled off and it feels better. 

    I just did another round of hape'. I think the rain might have stopped so I can run out and check with Amsterdam Life if they have mods anymore, get water gallons from Food Lion, and go to CVS. I then can come home and begin the other work. This stuff happens first while the weather is cooperating.

    Tomorrow is another day of no appointments. I might make it the day that I go to the lab to pick up my supplies. I have to get those labs done. I have been procrastinating so badly because I hate doing them. 

    I need to do my hair before I go anywhere. I can't remember the last time I brushed my teeth either. It's been bad. Depression is awful. If you don't know what I'm going through, count yourself as blessed.

    I haven't been able to cook dinner lately. I finally did it yesterday night. I made a keto chili with ground beef, sweet onion, red, yellow, and orange bell pepper and zucchini and yellow squash. It turned out good. I'm glad I only made a small pot though. I have cabbage and other veggies I need to cook that I will cook the other pack of ground beef with. I also have enough to make hamburgers one night. I bought a chuck roast, but I don't know what I am going to do with it yet. I just know I'm cooking it in the crockpot. 

    I have all this stuff on my mind all the time. I just need a place to put it down so I can refer to it later. My memory problems are bad. I forget what I'm doing because there is always new stuff that needs to be done. I just need to give myself time to get it all out and done. It is never completely done. I am always working on something. 

    Caleb seems to be doing well at school so far. I am happy for him. I am happy he does not have homework and does his work at school. What a relief that is!

    I have some things I need to help Nana with. We still have not unloaded the truck so she can access her clothes. The battery is dead and I do not know where I put the battery charger. I was told not to charge the battery while it is connected to the vehicle. I have to take it out. I need tools for that too. I don't know where my tool kit is. I think it is on the porch or maybe in the shed. It could even be int he laundry room. Everything is so cluttered. I can't wait to get this mess cleaned up. I guess I just needed a few days in bed. I wish the sun was out. I have a sun light to use to combat my Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

    I just lost another nose stud. Ugh! Hape' requires that I clean my  nose and I always seem to lose the nose stud while cleaning my nose. 

    I miss my dad alot. Alot is going on in the world and I wish I had my dad to talk to about is going on the news. 

    I have been signing petitions to things I think are important. I have to get myself ready to file taxes. I already filed my annual report for my business. I didn't think I would be able to afford the fee. I managed it though. Times are tough. I am having trouble paying all my bills. I cannot afford to pay all my bills right now. Alot of my credit card bills are going unpaid just because I have to be able to buy groceries and gas. It's craziness. 

    I need to be able to devote time to my business. Right now, I am so busy doing other things that I cannot schedule anyone to do a Reiki session. I want to teach Nana so she can give herself Reiki whenever she needs. I need to schedule the time to train her though. It's so important. 

    I just realized the time. It is only 1017. I thought it was later. I am doing good on time today. I should go get ready to go out into the world. My hair is a mess. Ugh. I wish my house was already cleaned up. I don't know how I am going to manage cleaning it by myself. I am disabled to the point of needing help in just about everything I do. It sucks. I am only 40 years old, and here I am needing my son to do everything for me because I can't do it myself. Now he is at school 5 days a week, and I only have him around on nights and weekends. It's super hard to mange this all by myself. I wish other people understood how hard it is for me to keep up with everything that needs to be done. I cannot even imagine how other people manage to work full time and keep up with all the things I have going on. I feel so overwhelmed when I think about it. It makes it harder to get started. Hape' seems to help me. I just have to remember to use it. 

    The kratomade was helping my back and pelvis pain. It lasts from when I take it to the early afternoon. I did not take it this morning. I cannot take it in the afternoon because it will not allow me to fall asleep when I want to rest. My mind keeps going and it's impossible to sleep.

    I am still trying to keep up with Christinia. The Volvo needs to be seen by a mechanic and I have no money to spend. I don't know how we are going to get it fixed yet. Christinia is not working, She is looking for a job, but now has no car. She is going through alot with her sister too. I'm praying for her.

    I pray alot. When I try to rest, I ask God to take my troubles and transmute them into something good. I do need to get going though. I have been wasting enough time this morning. I am just taking my time for once. I am not rushing anything. I have got to learn to settle down and relax more often. 

    I still have this thing going on with Child Protective Services regarding the safety of my home. I am still waiting to hear good news about Arkansas getting Jamie McCurry's DNA test done. I don't know what is holding them up. I wish they would just get it done already.

    Caleb goes to high school next year and I am already worried about how that will be for him. I hope he transitions well. 

    I have to be going now. Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Just Woke Up

     It is now 0152 and I just got out of bed to get something to drink. I guess I am awake now. I'm still thirsty like you wouldn't believe. I think it's part of my diabetes. Yesterday I had a recovery day from the day before. Friday I ended up doing alot and causing myself to have a fibromyalgia flare up which means my whole body was in pain that I couldn't relieve. Yeah, I'm still tired.

    Friday is when I wrote my last blog. It set me up to do alot of work that day. I had the clarity I needed after blogging. I had my thoughts together. I first realized that I had gotten paid, so I paid the bills. After getting ready to go, I went to pay the water bill in person. After that, I went to get the Mazda inspected so I could renew my registration. Unfortunately, the DMV system was down so I could not get my car inspected. Then I went shopping at Walmart. I only intended to buy almond milk and keto bread. I ended up buying Caleb some clothes to wear to his P.E. class and other groceries. On the way home I stopped at Lowe's Foods to buy chicken thighs and chicken drumsticks that were on sale. I saw my friend, Lisa, who works in the meat department. I ended up buying some shrimp as well that were on sale. Before I made it home, I got a call from Caleb's school nurse that he was feeling sick to his stomach. I had to get home to use the bathroom at least, and let Nana know what was happening. I was able to talk to Caleb on the phone while he was in the nurse's office. I asked if he was given the pepto bismol I left at the school for him to take. He was. He was also complaining about back pain from P.E. The nurse told me she gave him ibuprofen that I left at the school for him. It was too soon to give him more pepto bismol, so I decided that I would pick him up. I asked the nurse to just give him some water, and send him back to class, and that I would be there as soon as I could get there. I picked Caleb up before unloading the Mazda of the groceries. It was only maybe 1300 when I left home to pick Caleb up. 

    I picked Caleb up from school early and came right home to get the groceries inside. Caleb brought the groceries inside for me. I made sure he put away the chicken in the fridge, shrimp in the freezer, and almond milk in the fridge. Sounds simple, but it wasn't. Caleb has a hard time following instructions, and he gets angry quickly. 

    We had a package on the porch. Caleb thought was his amazon package, but it was mine. I order my Gatorade Zero packets from amazon because I buy alot at one time. His package came in the mailbox, and he got it later. He was looking for the part of his Xbox that he purchased with the gift card his Grammie sent him for his birthday.

    I barely had the energy to cook dinner, and only cooked half the chicken thighs and half the chicken drumsticks for dinner. I did not cook vegetables like I wanted. I ended up buying alot of vegetables at Walmart. I bought green cabbage, Napa cabbage, celery, kale greens, collard greens, yellow onions, and a Southern blend of greens to try cooking them together. I found seedless lemons and couldn't believe my eyes! It was a nice thought, but I did not want to spend more than I needed to on lemons.

    I got into conversations with 2 different customers in the produce area at Walmart. One older lady asked, "Where is all the food?" looking at the aisle that normally has tomatoes, avocados, and onions. There was nothing there! I told her, "I don't know! Maybe the winter storm blew the trucks off the road and they didn't make it in." 

    The other lady was wearing a poncho that was beautiful. I told her "I like your poncho! I can't stop looking at it!" and she told me, "Thank you, my friend brought it back from Peru for me." Then she said, "My husband wanted it, but I said 'nuh-uh' and it was mine!" LOL

    So it was a very busy morning. I tried to rest when I got home, but I felt badly. I barely got food for dinner cooked. I was supposed to clean the kitchen before cooking dinner, and I didn't make it. When I went to lie down in bed, everything was hurting. I almost took my delta-8 to be able to sleep, but I didn't. I was miserable. I felt like I had a good productive day though!

    Fast forward to Saturday morning, yesterday. I woke up feeling slow, tired, heavy, and in pain. I definitely had a fibromyalgia flare-up Friday and was going through the healing Saturday morning. My body was telling me to go back to bed when I got up to my 0700 alarm to take my medications and supplements. I struggled the whole morning to do much of anything. I did not even get my hair brushed until after 1100. Usually, that is a part of my morning routine that happens in the beginning.

    I did not even start the laundry yesterday, and that is one of the easiest chores I have. Ugh! I decided to order out for the first time in a very long time. We ordered salads and pizzas from Bella Cucina. I went out to pick the order up, but I didn't do much the whole day. I couldn't get myself to work. I couldn't get myself to move even a little. I just wanted to stay in one place, preferably bed, and rest. Eventually, after lunch, I gave up trying. I spent so much energy trying to get moving that I wore myself out. 

    I haven't been taking my kratom daily like I used to. I haven't been using hape' like I used to either. It's been hard to get up at 0530 every morning to wake Caleb up to get ready for school. We go out to the bus stop at 0630. It is still dark and very cold at that time. I don't mind the cold. I simply put on a flannel shirt. Caleb wears his new parka that I bought him! I bought it just so he wouldn't be cold waiting for the bus. It was on sale, and I saw it and had to have it.

    This weekend is a 3 day weekend due to Martin Luther King Jr. Day on Monday. 

    I was hoping to get alot of the house cleaning done, or at least make good progress, over the weekend with Caleb home. I just wasted Saturday. Now it's Sunday. Caleb is sleeping with Bubba in the living room for some reason. He needs to clean his room up. 

    Now today I am feeling better. I would have been better had I slept through the night.

    Christinia is having trouble with my Volvo. She was trying to see if she could fix it. I think she needs to take it to a mechanic because there was nothing wrong with it when I let her drive it. She thinks it might be the fuel pump. I don't have a savings account to fund fixing it. I don't know if she does, but I doubt it. I don't know how to help her. I live far away from her, She lives on the other side of the state. I wonder if her sister did something to the Volvo. She did have a falling out with Christinia and even moved out with alot of the stuff in the apartment. I hope not.

    I'm not able to quit vaping. I'm addicted. I thought I could, but I am clinging to vaping more than ever these days.

    Let's see...

    I can make the most of my day by making small steps toward the bigger picture. I can start the laundry and get Caleb's school clothes washed. Caleb can empty the dishwasher so I can load it. I can hand wash the pots and pans. We can work together to organize and clean the pantry out. I want to steam-clean at least one section of the hallway carpet. I want to vacuum the living room, which means it has to be picked up and organized first. I can spray for bugs in all the clean areas. If Caleb cooperates, we can do this today. He can work on cleaning his room too. Bella and Bubba both need baths as well. 

    Bella missed her vet appointment in December because I was broke. I need to reschedule that appointment for her. It is an annual checkup and heartworm checkup.

    I just did some hape'. It is now 0309. I have been blogging all this time. I'm not tired like I was all day yesterday. I feel better. 

    Caleb's class is going on a field trip on Thursday that he does not want to go to. He has a hard sitting still in the theater, and they are going to a play of "Finding Nemo." He has 2 appointments that afternoon and I need to be able to pick him up early to make it on time, so he could not go anyway. He was happy when I told him about his schedule. 

    I bought some videos to help me learn how to relieve my back pain for good. I just need to watch them now. I hope they work on me like they did on the people in the videos.

    I keep picking up a book to read, and then not reading it. I think I need to find my book light. I don't know where I put it. I haven't used it in so long. I wonder if it is by my bed. I might just need to buy another one. 

    I have plans on making a whole chicken in the crockpot like my mom taught me to do when I was pregnant with Caleb. She said to buy a whole chicken, put it in the crockpot with a can of cream of mushroom soup and a can of water, and cook! Then eat over rice! It's simple and good!

    I got really excited about vegetables for some reason at Walmart. I needed them. All of a sudden I just had to have cabbages and greens, and wanted to mix them together. I think I will like it because I like the greens blended, and I like the cabbages separately. I just want a little bit of everything on one plate. I hope Nana and Caleb like it. It's going to be similar to a stir-fry. It's going to be keto-friendly though. I did buy soy sauce.

    Well, I am sitting here at my computer with nothing better to do than to continue blogging. LOL

    I have alot of classes that I want to take, but can't get started because the house cleaning is taking so much of my time. Once I get things right again, I am totally doing what I want with these books and classes. I just want to lie in bed and read and learn. 

    Now that Caleb is back in school, I am alone for most of the day. The new schedule is taking some get use to. I know that putting him in public school again was the right decision. I don't have the energy required to teach him every second of the day. I couldn't even get a schedule together because we had so many appointments to go to. It was exhausting by the end of the day, and then it was like, what did we learn? Nothing. Another day of absolutely no learning. It's not like that anymore. I am so grateful for this school, this principal, these teachers, this nurse... Eternally grateful.

    I just have too many other things to take care of all of the time. I am not able to stay at home most days. I am always on the go, and I don't even have a job! I fall behind alot in my chores. I try to do my best. "I am only one person," and "I am not a machine" are things I tell myself these days. I feel like I am forced to work beyond my limits and then I have fibromyalgia flare-ups which require that I rest until I have recovered. It's an endless cycle and it hurts, and it's exhausting. I never seem to catch up to where I need to be in all the things I have going on. 

    I am still experimenting with what may help with my pains. I am trying some new supplements. I have noticed a difference in how my days have been flowing on these new supplements. It is going for the better. I need to bring back my hape' use and kratom use. Unfortunately, I can only use kratom once a day. I think once I learn these back stretches, I won't have to rely so much on supplements. I want to be able to walk without pain for a mile a day. I want to do better. I can't walk without pain for a mile yet. I have a hard time grocery shopping some days. I can't walk around the stores without pain. So baby steps are what I need to get better. 

    I am still using Virta for my keto diet to reverse my diabetes. I have lost more than 30lbs so far! My glucose is looking good overall. If I can stick to the diet, I will be able to reduce my medications soon. I go to take my A1c lab soon. I have to look at my calendar and check when I can make it to Wilmington early in the morning after Caleb gets on the bus.

    I am still waiting to hear some good news from the child support agency. Nothing yet. I have been waiting so long. I really have needed child support for the entire length of Caleb's life! Like, where is the justice?

    JD was looking to hire a front desk girl at Inklanation. I was interested but was unsure if I could do it. I'm sure he works late, passed dark. I can't drive in the dark. I worry that all the lights flashing by will lead to me having another seizure. I could use the extra money though.

    Nana is awake. I heard her make her way to the bathroom. Oh! She just text me! LOL

    I guess it's time for me to do something else. I don't know what though. Caleb is sleeping in the living room with Bubba. I can't turn the light on yet. I might have to. I am looking for something I bought from Walmart for Nana. Here we go! Bring on the drama from Caleb!

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Collecting My Thoughts

     It is now 0654. Caleb is riding the bus to school. It's pretty cold outside. I even put the heat on in the house to bring the temperature up to 65 degrees. I even have a flannel shirt on, and those who know me, know that I don't normally get cold.

    I don't know what today brings. It's Friday. It's been a busy week. I have been trying to get the hallway carpet steam cleaned by sections. I have been trying to keep the kitchen clean and spray for bugs. My house is disorderly right now. We went grocery shopping yesterday after Caleb came home and the groceries are still in bags on the floor. 

    I am working on my VA Supplemental Calim. I have a personal statement that I am trying to work on. I want to be as complete and descriptive as possible.

    I am working on getting my Reiki business going. I need at least 2 more reviews from paying customers to get my profile completed on heal.me. I think that is what is holding me up as far as getting seen by prospective customers. My business profile won't show up in the search on heal.me without my profile being complete with 3 reviews.

    Yesterday I spent the morning listening to Christinia. I then took a shower and relaxed for a little while.I really did not get anything done other than taking my shower. That's just how it is for me though. I get tired after showering and need a nap.

    Now that Caleb is back in public school, I am on call. I have had to pick him up from school due to stomach issues already. I brought the school nurse a bottle of pepto bismol and ibuprofen for future use at school.

    I have missed my dad more now that I spend most of the day alone. Nana doesn't sleep at night so she sleeps during the day.

    Caleb showed me one of his school assignments that he got a good grade on! I'm super happy about it.

    I have so much work to do, but I have done alot too. Jonathan came and picked up the bagged waste we had in the front yard for us. That's one less thing for the neighbors to complain about. I have pet vac'd the hallway and steam cleaned a section of it so far repeatedly. Bella has been having accidents in front of Nana's doorway. I got rid of alot of waste from the laundry room, and am almost caught up on cleaning the laundry! I cleared off the countertop and cleaned it in the kitchen. I caught up on cleaning the dishes. I still have dishes to wash now because I did not wash dishes yesterday. I have to remove everything from the pantry and spray for bugs. I have to throw away any open food, and organize the rest of the stuff that we are keeping. I have to clean it out before I spray it and replace the food. I have to remove the dishes from the cabinets, clean out the cabinets, and spray. I probably should wash everything all over again before putting back what we are keeping. I should probably donate the excess that keeps falling out of the kitchen island.

    I am looking for a Pulsetto device that I received awhile back. I want to use it. I think I bought one for Nana too. It is a device that stimulates the Vagus nerve. I know it will prove to be helpful in the long run for our pains.

    I blocked somebody on Facebook who was using me. It wasn't worth what I was going through. I feel better now.

    I bought a new series of DVDs that are going to help me get rid of my back pain. I can't wait to try them out!

    My Fitbit broke, and now I am using the Wolfnotch SugaPro diabetes watch. I only usually use it to tell me the time, but it says it has the ability to bring my glucose levels down. I have tried it, but I need to try it by testing my glucose before and after using the SugaPro.

    I was trying to figure out if I can get rid of some of the clutter around my workspace. It's not easy for me to do. I collect stuff by my chair because it makes it easier on me to be able to reach the stuff I use frequently.

    Caleb cried in Math class yesterday and was told by his teacher "that is unacceptable." I don't know why Caleb wasn't sent to the guidance counsellor. I have a feeling I need to have a talk with her. Kids are being mean to Caleb in P.E. because he can't do crunches. I told him we all have our starting places and we only get better from there. I told him to ignore the people who make him feel badly, and focus on the people who make him laugh and smile.

    We went to Amsterdam Life yesterday so I could get more e-juice. I know. I'm supposed to be quitting, but I'm just not ready yet. We saw Zach and DJ and it was a good visit. Caleb likes talking to them both.

    So, pretty much, right now I am just trying to get my house in order so I can focus on my business and my VA claim. It's alot of work for me to do alone. It would be alot easier if I had Caleb at home to help me. 

    This weekend we will be working on the house together. Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and the kids will be off from school. 

    Tuesday I go to renew my driver's license. Thursday I go to pick Caleb up at school to take him to his mental health appointments, and then to see the social worker afterwards.

    I have to take labs at some point at the VA.

    I had my call with my pharmD yesterday. She was not upset about my holiday numbers, so that was good. I am doing ok now. I am back in ketosis, and want to stay in ketosis for as long as possible.

    I just realized that I got paid so I was paying my bills. I always pay my bills as soon as I get paid. I have to go get the Mazda inspected before I can renew my registration. I have to go pay the water bill too when the Town opens. I guess I will make a trip to Walmart since I am headed out that way. I need my keto bread and almond milk. Going to try to keep the shopping to what we need this time. I always seem to leave with enormous amounts of groceries when I shop at Walmart. I have to learn to cut back. I can't pay all my bills as it is. I am behind on my credit card payments. Ever since I was scammed out of $500, I've been in the hole. Now my minimum payments are so high that I can't even pay them anymore. 

    I'm trying to do so much all at once. I can't wait to be able to just work on HealiNergy LLC. Looks like it's going to be a day of running around. I'm going to be tired by the time Caleb gets home. I still have to figure out what I'm making for dinner. I likely will stop at Lowe's Foods for their chicken thighs and drumsticks on sale. 

    I have been giving myself Reiki before I fall asleep at night. It works wonders as far as getting me to fall asleep without pain and staying asleep through the night. I want to teach Nana how to give herself Reiki treatments, so she can do it as needed. That is the reason I trained in Reiki. I did not want to pay someone else and be on a calendar with an appointment, when I need Reiki throughout my day, like all the time. 

    I was thinking about holding a class online. I have to be able to commit to the length of the class. It's hard to do right now because I have many responsibilities. I really need to get this house cleaned up to where we only need to maintain it. I can't wait for that time to come.

    I hear Nana in the background. I need to see if she needs anything before I go out into the world. I want to be as efficient as possible. 

    It's been a long time since I've been able to sit at my computer to blog. 

    I guess I should get started. The sun is out, and I am grateful.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

The whole story

     So the day before yesterday was an emotional one. I broke up with Mike. After spending countless days with him on the phone messaging back and forth all day, he "forgot his phone" at home, and caused me major havoc inside. All of a sudden there were no responses. For about 9 hours I got no messages. Naturally with his blood glucose over 400, I was worried out of my mind that something traumatic happened. I was fearful until I got angry. I was texting all day and tried to call and video call, no one answered. It wasn't until almost 7pm when I got an angry message back. Just to be short. I am so done and over this situation. I left Mike, and I don't regret it. 

    I posted screenshots of our communication together after what happened. I just wanted to vent it out. I got some trolls on Facebook inciting the rage in me. I talked to Nana about it and she let my anger out with no problems.

    I am feeling better now. Just can't believe I dealt with all this bullshit in one day. It really triggered me. I have not felt this angry in a long time. Perhaps I needed to feel this angry because it has worked to my good. I now have blocked the troll. I have left Mike. My life is better because I did both.

    Now, yesterday was a good cleaning day. I got a load washed and in the dryer, and another in the wsher. I loaded the dishwasher and ran it. I hand washed some dishes. Dinner was cooked the night before. I made a picnic bone in pork butt in the crockpot. I made green beans for all of us, and made a sweet potato for Nana for her cramps. I was able to clean off the kitchen island to some degree. I was able to clean out the pantry to some degree. I was able to clean my room to some degree. I am going to donate stuff that is just sitting around not being used. 

    Today is going to be another cleaning day. I have more laundry to do. I have more dishes to wash.I have to get the floors shampooed. It might take some prep before I do the living room, hallway, and Caleb's room. I can't wait to have a clean house again! I'm happy about making progress.

    Mallory, the social worker is coming Tuesday so I want it to be super clean by then. I am a natural cleaning freak on my good days. 

    I began typing the above journal entry on December 30, 2023.

    Today is January 4, 2024. Alot has happened since then. Yesterday Caleb handed me the World Translation Bible that I have not read in ages. I flipped to Psalm 119, verse 113 and began reading the page. I liked it, so I began reading Psalm 119 from the beginning all the way to the end. I could almost hear the song in my head. I felt better after reading it. 

    Yesterday was a long day. Mallory, the social worker called on Tuesday and we rescheduled for her to be on Wednesday at 12:15pm. Yesterday was Wednesday. I spent all morning washing dishes that had piled up. I cleaned the stove top and stove front too. I worked on the bills for a little while. I bought Caleb a new coat from American Eagle so when he stands outside waiting for the bus, he won't freeze. I got it on a huge sale because it's the end of the winter season as far as clothes sales go. It's going to be awesome. He is always cold.

    Mallory came over and we had a long discussion where I was doing most of the talking. I cried. I'm glad she witnessed my tears. She heard what I had to say, where I feel Stephanie never really did. It ended well. Mallory saw the mess we have outside from cleaning off the porch. I told her I have a friend coming over to remove the cardboard boxes from the yard today, Thursday. She was amazed how much better it looked on the porch. I was proud of our hard work.

    After Mallory left, Caleb and I went to Walmart to get beginning school supplies. I also stocked up on Nana's and my drinks. Caleb got new shoes that fit him better. I then went to Lowe's Foods because I had to use the bathroom badly. Caleb went over to Great Clips to get his hair cut. I met him there afterward. Then we went to Publix to see if they had a German chocolate cake. It had to be ordered with 24 hours notice, so we ordered one.

    I came home and rested, then made fresh green beans to go with the leftover pork we had. Turned out good. 

    The day before yesterday was Monday, New Year's Day. Caleb and I did not do much. We stayed around the house with the exception of going to Amsterdam Life for an e-juice refill and Food Lion for Nana's egg English muffin from the freezer section. I got it for free! The day before I was there and spent alot of money on fresh produce and earned cashback! I was so happy!

    Sunday I went to Food Lion and bought alot of produce to make my homemade spaghetti sauce to have "all you eat" pasta night with Nana. I make my sauce with zucchini, yellow squash, portabella mushrooms, baby bella mushrooms, sweet onions, minced garlic, fresh basil, fire roasted tomatoes, and a big jar of Ragu with alot of beef added. We ate as much as we wanted, and froze the rest of the sauce. I made enough sauce for 4 dinners!

    New Year's Eve was Caleb's 15th birthday!

    Somewhere along the way, Caleb and I talked about God for the first time in a long time. I told him, when he told me he did not believe in God, that the only reason he was born was because God wanted it. I was 7 months pregnant before I found out I was pregnant. I was working as a non-pregnant soldier does with hazardous materials alot. He could have been born with huge problems like lack of extremities. He could have died before being born, but he was born with a bit of jaundice. They put him under the lamp, and he was a healthy big baby boy. I told this to him in his response that the only reason he was born was because his father raped me. 

    This came up because Caleb wanted to talk over me, and I said "One of the first things God commands it to 'honor your father and your mother'." He said he didn't believe in God at that point. 

    When we were speaking about Jesus, he told me he doesn't like thinking about Jesus because of how he died. I then told him that Jesus was born with a purpose. His whole life and death was pre-planned out. He came to Earth to be the ultimate sacrifice for human kind. He came to give himself up as a sacrifice to God for the cost of our sins. Through faith in Jesus we are forgiven. 

    I then had a conversation with Caleb in front of Nana. I told him how Mother Mary came to me when I was pregnant with him. I also told him he could ask Nana for information if he has questions about God or Jesus.

    It was a breakthrough kind of day. I have had several conversations with Nana about what I am going through and what I have been through. I told her that I special requested Mother Mary's presence when I was pregnant because despite who Jesus is, I did not want to be around a man's presence after I found out I was pregnant. I was scared. I did not know how I became pregnant and as I found out more information, I could not identify the father of my child. It was scary. 

    We talked about how I need to complete my VA Aid &Attendance process by completing my disability supplemental claim. I am still in the process of writing my personal statement. I have been busy trying to get this house cleaned up the way I want it. I have so much stuff I need to throw away, donate, or put away, it's overwhelming. 

    Bella is having accidents in the house now. She did not use to before. She is getting older and may need to wear diapers. We can't keep up. 

    Today is Thursday and Caleb goes back to school this morning. I have to drive him to school and he will ride the bus back home in the afternoon. We found the backpack I bought him. It is a tactical backpack that is very cool. We also found the clothes I bought him! I totally forgot I bought those! I bought him a jacket and 4 shirts. So he has new clothes for school now! I am so happy!

    Carla is coming by today to study. Jonathan is coming by today to pick up trash. I have a cake to pick up this afternoon. I don't know what I will be doing all day today. It is only 0137 now. I had to get up to use the bathroom, and decided to stay up for a little while. Wakeup is at 0530 so I better get some sleep. I have to take a shower at some point before leaving to bring Caleb to school. 

    I pray that Jehovah lights my path, and that Yeshua holds my hand as I walk the path.

    Being a single parent is harder than it looks. Being a disabled veteran on top of that does not help me at all. Having a son with disabilities makes it even harder to teach him how to behave. I pray that light is shining on us from Jehovah. Let these breakthroughs help us grow and heal from our past.

    It's getting late, and I have to get some sleep.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!