5 Year Journal Day 109

      Today's prompt is "Write down a problem you solved today." I am working on solving Bella's new diarrhea. 

     It is now 1:28 a.m. here. I am awake because I got too warm, started itching under my compression socks, and had to use the bathroom. Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I did , however, spend some time cuddling with Bella. Usually she lays beside me on my bed. I got up to do something and returned. I looked at her laying there, and decided to wrap my arms around her, and lay my head on her back. I now smell like corn chips. Bella smells like corn chips. Anyway, I cuddled with her for at least 30 minutes. It was very loving, calm, and peaceful. It was restoring to both of us. 

     I was thinking about how I am grateful for having Caleb at home with me. Does he get on my nerves? Sometimes. Does he cause me to worry? Yes. But what if I didn't have him to focus on right now? I can only imagine my mental health declining. My worries are less with him at home, than with him going to school in person or even distance learning for that matter. 

     I'm driving myself crazy trying to keep this house clean. Maybe I should give up. Maybe I should just accept that I can't keep it clean. 

     I was trying to not spend any money this weekend, but I went to buy bread and gatorade today. I am trying to stretch every penny I have. I am trying to get out of this loop that causes me to re-use the credit available on my credit cards. 

     I am taking things much slower than I forecasted. I thought I would have done a lot more by now, as far as house cleaning is concerned. I have so much laundry building up. I can't seem to get it together. 

     My pelvis and my legs were hurting tonight. There's no reason whatsoever for them to be hurting. 

     Bella's ears are looking better, but now her upper lip is red. I don't know why. It's like she drank red kool-aid and has a mustache. 

     Yeah, Bella has diarrhea now. I think the allergy chew has something to do with that because she is not otherwise eating anything she has not had before. 

     Today is the last day of the weekend. The weekend was too short for me. I need to find a way to recharge. I did enjoy Caleb's selection of music in the car today. He was playing A Perfect Circle. It's one of my favorite music groups. I sang some of the songs on the way home... loud and with heart. 

     Caleb and I have been winding down together at night lately. He will hang out on my bed with me for awhile until his medication sets in. He likes to have his back scratched and rubbed. Sometimes we even use fragrant lotion. He has wanted to play Truth or Dare the past few days. I always choose Truth and he always chooses Dare. 

     Bella just came out to hang out with me from the bedroom. She normally stays in bed, but she is laying down by my feet now. 

     Sponge Bob is on the tv. Caleb is sleeping on the couch tonight. 

     I haven't been able to watch movies lately because of the motion on the screen. I start feeling like car sick almost. I have to close my eyes. Caleb likes me to watch movies with him, but I haven't been able to. I can listen, but I can't watch tv. 

     I'm trying to minimize my time on my phone too. I spend a lot of time reading stuff on Facebook, and the scrolling is really messing with my head. It makes me nauseous. 

     I need to accept my limitations. I don't want to, but I need to. I keep trying to work and live as normally as possible. I want my life back. I want to be able to do things that I use to do easily. I fall short every day. I am doing better than I was some months ago. Maybe if I don't give up, I can do better in a few more months? Or maybe I should just accept that this is the best I can do and stop trying to force myself to do more. 

     I am walking around with more ease than I was when I first started wearing these insoles and the lift. My lower back hasn't been hurting like it was this time last year. Last year, I needed to apply ointment for the pain everyday. I don't need to do that on a normal day anymore. Last year I needed a lot more sleep during the day, and didn't sleep well at night. Last year I also slept on the couch and my dad would make noise as he would call people at 2 in the morning while sitting at the dinner table like I wasn't in the same room trying to sleep. Last year I ate a lot more fast food as I was on the road a lot. Last year I couldn't get my own space and peace. I was constantly surrounded at home. Now I have my bedroom back, and if I want to separate myself from others in the house, I go there. Last year I was not functioning as well as I am now. Last year I was also dealing with the removal of my dad and Sharon, and Christinia and Harlee moving in. Last year I was in more than one abusive relationship. This year I have managed to live alone with Caleb and Bella. It was a scary transition. What if something happens to me? It has happened before. It could happen again. 

     I wanted to do more for the world. I have to accept that the best thing I can do right now is raise Caleb and keep Bella as my fur baby. I was on track to become a Peer Support Specialist. I wanted to work for the VA. In North Carolina you have be certified before you can work. So I was getting my certification. It will never happen now. I completed the first certificate program and was on track to complete the second certificate program when Christinia left and I no longer had someone to watch Caleb while I was on my way home (when he came home from school).

     I feel like I have something to prove to someone. I don't have anything to prove. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a hard working individual. That's one thing that I have always been, and will always be. I may not be a superhero like I want to be, but I am the best version of me I can be right at this moment. 

     I don't know why people assume that people on disability are taking advantage of the system in a negative way. I'm not going to fight that battle with people anymore. I value my time more than that. 

     I shouldn't feel like I have to prove I'm disabled to anyone. If I say I am a disabled veteran, you should take me for my word. If you don't believe me, that's not my problem. 

     When I have good days, I celebrate them because they are few and far between. When I get tasks accomplished, I celebrate that, because it typically causes me pain to do the tasks. I have a lot of health problems that contribute to my lack of functionality on a daily basis. I can plan to do all these things, and only get one thing done because I couldn't do more. It's not laziness, and I won't stand by and allow someone to call me lazy. 

     I have things repeating in my head that I need to get done, and then I forget what I am supposed to be doing. I have brain fog on top of everything else. 

     I'm dealing with my own issues, and trying to be a mother alone. If that's not worthy of praise, I don't know what is. I've been doing the hardest job in the world, by myself, for almost 12 years- being a mother. To top it all off, my son is neuro-atypical. He has been delayed in brain functioning since he was an infant. 

     I have trouble asking for help. I have been abused in the past, and the effects of those abuses are often seen in my relationships. I tend to isolate myself because I don't want to share what's going on with me. I don't want to be used and abused again. I don't want to expose myself to have it held against me.

     Life is short and I don't want to spend mine alone. I long for companionship. I want real friends. I want people to know me and not only accept me, but love me. 

     I don't want my life to be meaningless. I don't want to die and have no one care. 

     I want to make a difference. 

     My world is getting smaller and smaller with every new diagnosis. I can not travel far because I can not drive without the fear of having a seizure while driving. My anxiety doesn't allow me to relax and have fun in social situations. My PTSD keeps me on edge. My depression leads me to think things that are not necessarily true about how people view me. 

     Then there's COVID-19. If I get the coronavirus, I will most certainly die from complications of it. I am diabetic with high blood pressure and I vape. I am morbidly obese and taking a lot of medications for various reasons.

     I isolate my family to avoid this future.

     Caleb is different from other kids his age. It is hard for him to make friends. I am different from other people my age. It is hard for me to make friends too. Many times we only have each other. 

     At least if I die before my time, Caleb will have my blog and all my photos that I have collected over the years to remember me by. He will know that his mom was a warrior!  

 

     

5 Year Journal Day 108

      Today's prompt is " What do you think is your biggest short coming?" Not being able to express myself effectively at a moment's notice.

     It is now 8:43 a.m. here. Caleb woke me up to give him his medications. I was not ready to get up. 

     Yesterday I could not stop thinking about that message from the morning. It got in the way of everything I was trying to do. I was able to clean off the kitchen island, but that is all I did the whole day. I started feeling sick and went to lay down. Part of it was from all the beans I have been eating lately. 

     Mathew contacted me. It was not expected. We were able to communicate with each other. It was emotional for me. I felt I had already lost my brother forever. Many of my relationships have been like that in the past. It's really all I know. I lost my dad and Sharon last year around this time. I then lost Christinia. It just felt like I was losing Mathew and Nichole too, or I had already lost them. It was breaking my heart everyday. It was making me think things in weird ways. My perspective is skewed because of the abusive relationships I have been in, in the past. It's not their fault I react the way I do. It's other people's faults. I have so little interaction with others that I don't know what is a healthy relationship. I am being taught in therapy.

     I am feeling better about things. I know I did not lose my brother forever now. 

     I was expecting violence to come my way after I received that message. My anxiety was through the roof. My imagination goes wild. 

     I made a really tasty dinner last night. I made spaghetti with meat/zucchini/squash red sauce. Delicious! After the day I had, I really wanted something I shouldn't have with lots of carbohydrates. I avoided alcohol, although it was calling my name. I avoided ordering Domino's although it would have been easy to touch the button to order. I spent money, but it was on ground beef because the ground beef I took out of the freezer was still frozen solid. I wasn't supposed to spend money this weekend. Walking the Middle Path. 

     Caleb was supposed to clean up the living room again yesterday, but he didn't. I didn't have it in me to enforce my directive. 

     I already got a hole in one of my new compression socks. I must have over-stretched it.

     My Aunt Lisa is inspiring me by walking everyday. I need to move more. That's what my doctor says. I know it's true, but change is hard. I have been moving to clean the house lately. I hurt myself over and over to pick up the living room and Caleb's room. It kills my back and my legs.

     Mathew was weight training down range and got into really good shape. I have some weights at home that I could move around. 

     I start the disabled women veterans' yoga on Tuesday. That will help me.

     I cut myself on that damned recliner from reaching beneath it and catching my finger on a loose staple. It's a small cut, but feels like it's huge. It's on my pinky finger. You don't realize how much you use your pinky finger until you hurt it. 

     Bella is looking better everyday. I am so glad! I was heartbroken to see how made she hurt herself scratching. I did everything in my power to help her as soon as I noticed it, but still felt like a bad mother.

     Today, I should do what I planned to do yesterday, but we shall see how the day goes. The morning routine has gotten longer now that I have to eat before taking my medications, and now that I have to give Bella her treatment. 

     Bella fell asleep between my legs, curled up in a ball last night and didn't move. She slept good. 

     My e-cigarette is dying and I refuse to replace it. Once it's gone, it's gone forever. I hope I can manage my stress some other way. I don't know how many time I have tried to quit using this damned thing. I will never stop trying to quit. 

     I needed this weekend so badly. I expect so much of myself all the time. I have to remember that even the best need breaks. I'm nowhere close to the best, so I really need breaks. 

     I was supposed to go get our flu shots first thing in the morning yesterday, but I forgot about it until it was too late. 

     I want to start using my good camera to take photos. My mom recently got a new camera, and I would like to take photos and share with her. I bought the camera years ago and hardly take it out of the case. It was expensive, but my love for taking photos everywhere made it a good deal. I wanted crystal clear highly detailed images of all important events. I barely know how to use it. I have a perfect model, Bella! She is always available for a shot. She has the perfect face too. 

     We ran out of Gatorade Zero, and use them to make my Miralax drinks in the morning. It looks like I need to make a run to Walmart. So much for not spending any money this weekend! 

     It's now 9:34 a.m. here so I better get moving on my morning routine before it's no longer morning.  

5 Year Journal Day 107

     Today's prompt is " What is a political issue that interests you?" It is an election year and and I am interested in all the political issues.

     It is 1:42 a.m. here. I am awake because I had to use the bathroom, there is a weird smell in my CPAP, and I needed new batteries for my e-cigarette. I am actually very sleepy, but figured since I was up, I would go ahead and write my blog. I write better without interruptions during the early mornings. 

     Today was a unproductive day. I had plans and forgot them as I kept feeling sick and having to lay down. I think the curcumin supplement I take is causing indigestion. I had my therapy appointment online. It went well. I continued Bella's  care. Her ears are looking better, and her eye brows are looking better. Her paws are better to the point that I stopped putting ointment on them several days ago. I think the benadryl is helping Bella feel more relaxed and not as irritated. 

     Caleb was supposed to clean up his mess in the living room. but he didn't do it because I was not there to supervise him. 

     Bella is up and begging me to go back to bed. That's a sign that she is feeling better. She also has returned to being cuddly. When she was irritated, she did not want to be close to me, like she normally is. 

     Caleb and I tried to watch a movie together again last night. I was on my way to getting up and Caleb pulled my arm to fall onto him on the floor. It was a soft pull, and a soft rollover landing to the floor. I laughed and the movement made me toot! Oh man! I laughed so hard! Caleb kept trying to push me up and I could not get up. I was just laughing and laughing. Eventually I was able to get up but not before my stench wafted in front of Caleb. LOL He is a fart-loving boy. 

     We went to Food Lion to buy some Dew on sale, and the cashier was awesome. I don't know what prompted him to be so helpful and kind to me, but I sure do appreciate it. 

     I guess I was just tired from all the drama during the week, and trying to keep up with everything.

     It's 1:58 a.m. and I just got a threat from William Coxwell on facebook saying "My daughter her husband my other son and my grandchildren along with my son my husband and my dad are my life you need to stay out of my daughters or it's going to be me and you." I hardly know this dude. I don't know why he is getting involved in something that has nothing at all to do with him. I do not appreciate being threatened by anybody. I guess Mathew and Nichole lost their ability to speak for themselves. I didn't. I'm not a coward! I will continue to fight for what is right. If that means I lose them, then so be it. It won't be my first time losing family. I haven't done a thing to them since text messaging Nichole a funny meme, and a message about being on my period. I haven't said a thing to Mathew since congratulating him on his promotion.

William Coxwell and wife need to stay out of MY life! They are NOT MY family. I am not harassing anybody. Once I didn't get a response to my messages, I let both Nichole and Mathew go their own ways. I haven't bothered them since. I may be grieving the loses and fail to understand how they can be so hate-filled, but I have every right to write what I please.

Anyways... like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, all this is taxing on a person.

I am so thirsty! Man alive!

I'm going to try to find some cadence tracks to start my walking program. It will help me walk in step, and not try to walk too fast. I feel pretty comfortable in my shoes, insoles, socks, and lift now.

I don't know what's wrong with people these days. SMDH Threatening me will not silence me. If you don't like my writing, don't READ it! It's that simple! Honestly, I know I have an addictive writing style that just begs to be read but really, if you don't like it, and can't stop, maybe you need some addiction counselling.

Bella won't stop begging me to go back to bed!

Caleb and I spent some quality time together. You would think that with all the time we spend together, that a lot of it would be quality time, but it's not. I spend a lot of time working on things that need to be done to run the household. Sometimes, I forget he needs me to just hang out with him and have fun. It doesn't come naturally, as I am a workaholic.

I'm glad we are at the weekend. I need a break from all the running around.

I cut my finger on a loose staple on the recliner. I didn't notice it was bleeding until I went to take my medications. Caleb patched up like a medic would! He asked me if I thought he would make a good medic one day, and I told him he cares about people so, yes, he would make a good medic one day.

Caleb wants to a put a flag in the front yard that is a black and white American flag with a green stripe through it. It is supposed to represent solidarity with the Army.

You know, it takes some kind of person to threaten a disabled veteran.

This is Trump's America!

It is now 2:53 a.m. here. Time flies as you get older. I don't know where all my time goes. I try to make my time meaningful. I don't have all the time in the world. What is really important?

I'm trying to make sure I will be around to see my future grandchildren and perhaps even my great grandchildren. I'm trying to give my son a good future. I'm trying to provide Bella a good life. In the meantime, I'm just trying to take care of business.

Apparently it hurts to be real and authentic with people. It doesn't hurt me. I'm just being me. I'm taking up the space provided to me and shining my light as I have created it. How dare I write the truth? Sorry, not sorry. I don't write fiction.

How dare I examine events in my life and try to heal from things that are hurtful! How could I do such a thing?

I have only been going to therapy on and off for 7 years. I have only been learning to dissect my problems and take what lessons I can from them and move on. Maybe that's a radical idea?

I am only leaving my writings behind so my son and his future children will know me from them.

I share my experiences with others to help myself, AND others.

Writing is good for memory retention. It's a form of mental exercise.

When you take offense to my healing process, that's a reflection of YOU, not me!

When you become defensive from my writing, that's a sign you have some work on yourself to do. YOU need to change, not me. I am already working on becoming the best version of me I can possibly be. Unlike some, I include others in the process hoping they will heal along the way too.

I DO have supporters. I am not alone.

I have been able to bring to light a great many things by writing. It's good for the spirit to release stress that I tend to pick up.

I am preparing for the next stages in my life. Writing helps me organize my thoughts.

The more I practice, the better I will get.

Unlike physical activity, this is something I CAN do.

This reminds me of a time when I needed gas money. I was flat broke. It was earlier this year. I asked Nichole to borrow $20 for gas for a few days until I got paid. She responded "I have to talk to Mathew first." I sighed, and said "No, forget it. I don't want to bother him on his deployment for his hard earned money. I will figure something out." I never asked for another penny. Just saying! A Warrant Officer's wife can't lend his disabled veteran and single-mother-sister $20 for a FEW DAYS! What does that tell you?

It made me feel like shit. Really, it did. We weren't worth a twenty dollar bill! Guess I should have taken the hint.

Now I got the in-law mafia after me. Well now, what could that possibly mean? Hmmm...

I better watch my back! Nichole's mom is coming!

It is now 3:30 a.m. here. Caleb is awake. I let Bella out just in case she that was why she needed my attention so badly. Sponge Bob is on tv.

The Labor Day traffic has already started here. I will probably spend most of the weekend at home, away from the chaos. The island just opened back up. They finally got it maneuverable by moving all the sand away from the road. They were still recovering from Hurricane Isaias.

5 Year Journal Day 106

      Today's prompt is "Which celebrity would you want to interview?" Chris Cornell.

     Some call this this witching hour. It is now 2:21 a.m. here. I'm calling it the writing hour. It's when my brain says "Wake up! It's time to write!"

     I do not remember where my time went yesterday. Before I knew it, the day was gone. I remember that I took a shower and put on a "new" dress. It's a dress that still had the tags on it because it hadn't been worn yet. We went to go get our flu shots, but left because the wait was an hour long. Caleb had his occupational therapy appointment today. That was about it. 

Red, white, and blue! America! Land of the Free!

     Caleb and I have been collecting Gatorade Zero bottles for our science experiment. We will be starting the testing phase soon. We are going to build a life raft from repurposed bottles. 

     Caleb and I wanted to watch a movie together. It's something that doesn't happen often anymore because I sleep in my room. I fall asleep during movies. We finished what we needed to do for the day early, and I asked Caleb if he wanted to watch a movie. He was excited, because I never ask. He wanted to go grab some munchies, so we did. We stayed awake long enough to eat the munchies, but not long enough to finish the movie. LOL Both of us went to bed early. 

     Bella is still having a hard time. I am treating her ears with ear miticide and generic neosporin. She is taking benadryl twice a day per the vet's recommendation. Her paws look better but her eye brows are getting worse. I don't want to put neosporin so close to her eyes. She's not the same since she's been dealing with whatever it is that is making her itch. 

     The heat index was supposed to be as high as 113 today, but it didn't seem that hot outside. That's the danger with me going outside. I can't tell that it's 113 heat index and I should be inside. If I didn't get notifications from the Weather Channel app, I would not have known the danger I could be putting myself in. Last year I nearly gave myself a heat stroke working on my gardenias in the heat. My heart raced, I felt sick and dizzy, I wasn't sweating anymore, it was awful. I was the only one who knew I was working outside too. I was working by myself trying to plant my gardenias. I wasn't thinking about heat injuries at the time. I was just thinking about how out of shape I was, and how much I wanted to get my gardenias planted already. 

     I am trying not to use credit this month, but I have less than $100 cash to get us through until I get paid again in a few weeks. We might need to dip into our hurricane stock of canned food. I am planning on going to the food pantry at the scheduled time.

     Caleb is starting Intuniv this week, in addition to his other medications. So far, I have not noticed a difference, but it may take time. 

     I am having trouble reconciling my beliefs of what school looks like to me and what is actually happening at home. I know intellectually that I was not going to be able to sit with Caleb from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. for home schooling, but something inside me says that I am wrong for not acting in accordance to that picture in my head. Caleb is an exceptional student, with special needs. He can not and will not sit for long periods of time for school. He didn't do that in the public school setting, why would I expect that at home? 

     I have these expectations of myself that are not realistic. I am not Super Woman. I am a disabled veteran and stay at home single mother. I am doing the best I can every single day. It's hard to convey the difficulties I face on a daily basis to others. I have so much I have to get done when I can do it. It can't wait for later. It is time sensitive. I am not lively and full of energy. I work on an energy deficit. I work on a sleep deprived timeline. I do not sleep well. I counteract my tiredness with caffeine. It only goes so far. I wish I could just plug in and recharge every night like my phone does. I do not have a support system here. I work alone all the time. There is no one who can do my errands for me or help me clean up the house. COVID-19 keeps us from each other even if there were people who could help. 

     It is said that it takes a village to raise a child. Well, I live in a village of one. 

     I try to decrease my stress by sharing my days with Rachel and Aunt Lisa. I use to talk to Nichole all throughout the day. We were free to talk to each other because we are both stay at home moms. I don't want to interrupt Aunt Lisa's work day, and I don't know Rachel's schedule enough to not be a bother. I was trying to make friends in my classes, but I recently had to quit as it was causing me too much stress. I was being pulled from all angles. I could not be in more than one place at a time, and I was trying to be in several places at a time, doing multiple things at the same time. It was hectic and stressful. I try to keep my schedule in order. I thought that if I scheduled these classes on my calendar that I would be able to follow through. Obviously that was not the case. I was tired when classes started from dealing with Caleb and other adulting tasks. 

     I have not developed the stamina and endurance needed to take on so many additional tasks. I barely get done what I feel needs to get done, sometimes. Most of the time I don't get everything done. I live in a chaotic state of constantly trying to catch up.

     Caleb is going to be learning in a different way. He is going to have to learn how to live with me first. We will get to the academic stuff along the way, but I can't continue at this pace for long. I am going to burn out. He is getting older and should shoulder more responsibilities. He does well with hands on learning, so I will teach him stuff as we get stuff done. It will be highly interactive and movement based. He is very active and energetic. 

     I am learning as we go as I have never home schooled my own curriculum before. The one other time we tried homeschooling was through the online public school , K-12. It was a disaster as it was almost fully online and Caleb never wanted to work. We fought almost everyday to get the simplest of tasks done. It wasn't a day before we were behind on his list of tasks to do. I had to withdraw him from that school as it did not take into account his IEP. The schedule was too demanding. I have too many places to be other than home during the day, pre-COVID-19. I had to re-register him in his traditional public school. 

     This year I am doing everything myself. I do not have family near, and I do not have friends who can help. It's during the COVID-19 pandemic and appointments are starting to become in-person more frequently again. Our lifestyle is one where everything has to be reconfigured to fit our collective disabilities. We just do not fit the normal stereotypes for our ages. It's not easy. It's demanding. It takes everything I have to give, plus some. 

     Nichole really let me down as she helped me stay clear in my mental health by being an adult I could talk to whenever I needed, as now she is giving me the silent treatment.

     I could have easily lost my mind, and it wouldn't matter. Thank God for Rachel, Aunt Lisa, and my mom. My mom checks up on us frequently too. Even my Granny and Pepere call to check up on us! I was talking with her throughout the day, every day, for months and months and she just ignores me now. I mean I'm not a healthy individual. I guess she takes no responsibility for what happens in her absence to me or to Caleb. 

     Politics aside, do I not matter? Does Caleb not matter? It's depressing to be treated so badly by someone who was so close. 

     I would say the same for Mathew, but I wasn't talking and texting Mathew everyday. I was talking and texting Nichole!

     We would share our mother stories for the day and support each other through the hardships. We would laugh at stupid jokes that I would make. We would discuss what's for dinner, and what's the plan for the day. The kids would see each other on video chat. We would smoke together, drink our caffeinated drinks together, and miss Mathew together. I felt like I was a part of a family. I felt like I was a sister and an aunt. She took that away from me. 

     It's hard to move on. It's even more difficult with the anniversaries of all my loses around the corner. It's harder because of COVID-19. She was the only adult I would see other than doctors and grocery store clerks. 

     As you can see, I am grieving these new loses. 

     It is now 3:52 a.m. and Bella never got up from bed. Caleb came out of his room for a drink and went back to bed. Sponge Bob is on the living room tv. 

     Today Caleb has to clean up the living room and put it back to the way I had it when I cleaned it. I have to re-start the laundry and clean up the kitchen. I have to put down the pet-friendly insecticide around the house. It smells pretty good. It uses essential oils. I need to clean up the hallway bathroom. I have finally caught up on my financial paperwork for awhile. I tidied up my workspace a bit. I want to start moving stuff out of the china cabinet and into the bookcases. I was using the china cabinet that was inherited from my former-step-great grandmother as a bookcase because I did not have enough bookcases to store all my books. I still haven't moved the bookcases to where they belong. I got really sidetracked with trying to take care of Bella. I spent all day Saturday giving her a spa treatment. I crashed Sunday, and Monday was full of in-person appointments. 

     It's Labor Day weekend this weekend and my goals are to keep Caleb out of trouble and not spend any money. I can't wait to have a day in bed! I am so done with this week. I need a break from all this work. 

     I am feeling the call of the bed now. I am just going to finish my Dew and go. 

      

5 Year Journal Day 105

      Today's prompt is "If you could acquire a talent (without any extra effort), what would it be?" Keeping up with coding languages to create programs. 

     It is now 1:41 a.m. here. I am awake because I kept waking up due to being too warm. Yesterday I wore myself out by spending hours on my finances in the morning. I had to reconcile the bills. Yes, it takes that long, and that's doing it as quickly as I can. 

     I called Bella's vet to find out how much an appointment would be to have her looked at for seasonal allergies and ear mites. It would be a minimum of $100. I don't have the money to make an appointment for her, so I hung up. They called me back with some helpful hints I could try to make her feel better. One was to give her benadryl twice a day, and the other was to cleanse her ears with a vinegar and water mixture. 

     I had to rest after giving Bella her treatments and medication. So we rested together. 

     I feel like I have been going, going, going all day since Monday morning. I am exhausted. 

     Caleb started sleeping in his own bed the other night! Yay! We are both in our own beds and comfortable in our own rooms! We have our own spaces once again! It's a miracle!

     Bella's ears looked worse and she is starting to have irritations on her eye brows. Her paws look better. I bought some generic neosporin to put on her ears, and also some generic allergy cream. I am thinking I might need to buy an inflatable cone for her to wear if it continues to get worse. She is no longer coming to me when I call her to me while I am in the "medication" chair. She doesn't like it when I put the drops in her ears. She doesn't like me to touch her ears, but I had to clean them! She doesn't mind it when I rub her paws with ointment as much. 

     I don't want her to get infected. It's one thing to have allergies. It's another thing to have ooze coming out of a sore that won't heal. 

     Yesterday Caleb was sitting on my lap, and I told him I saw a fly coming out of his hair. He got so worked up over and I just kept on. I told him he has fly eggs in his hair now! Bahahaha! He went and got a thin toothed comb to comb his hair. He was working that comb trying to make sure there was nothing. I couldn't stop laughing. At one point he told me I was lying, and he sat back down on my lap. Then he saw the fly out of the corner of his eye! See, I told you ! Better get those fly eggs out of your hair Caleb! He went directly to the shower! LOL I had to share my story. It made me laugh when I was not in a laughing mood. I have been depressed all day since yesterday when I talked about the group home to Caleb. 

     You know, it wasn't a threat. I was trying to illustrate that his behaviors are unsafe, and my job is to keep him safe. If I can not keep him safe, he will go somewhere where he can be kept safe. Like I mentioned  before, my house is not a prison. I will not put locks everywhere to keep him in. He is old enough to know better.

     Caleb made us dinner last night. I was in no mood to cook. Besides, he would have had to make his own dinner anyway because I was planning on making salmon, which he does not like anymore. He made me Velveeta Shells and Cheese for dinner, and he made himself a big bowl of beef ramen noodles both in the microwave. He is going to be a microwave chef one day. When it is his turn to leave the nest, he will at least be able to cook the basics in the microwave. He also likes to make himself homemade mashed potatoes in the microwave, and baked beans with hot dogs (beenie weenies we call them).

     Yeah, I made a huge salad in the mid-afternoon, and ate some as a late lunch, so I was not really hungry for dinner. I have to eat something for dinner though, because I take about 20 different pills before I go to bed. 

     Rachel and I have been texting during the day lately. I really enjoy her company. I hate to bother my Aunt Lisa, especially since I know she is hard at work. Sometimes, I interrupt her day anyway, because I can't help myself. 

     I have been walking around in a tank tunic top with bleach stains and holes in it this week. The holes are bigger now than they were when I first noticed them. Maybe it's time to throw this shirt away. It's hard to let go. I know I will do the same thing to my other tops. I wear them to clean the house. I like to use bleach to clean the kitchen. I always get it on my clothes, so I never want to wear my good clothes.

     I just gave Bella a pig ear to chew on. She loves those. They are so crunchy. She was sitting by watching me, and waiting for me to do something, but I don't know what. I already let her outside. Apparently there is a squirrel or something out there because I heard her growl. I think she is waiting for me to go to bed. She was sleeping with Caleb in his bed. He likes to have her there. I think it makes him feel safer. Plus she's so cuddly.

     Tomorrow Caleb has his occupational therapy appointment in person in the afternoon. Normally I would have both my Wounded Warrior Project class and my Veterans Path class online, but I have withdrawn from both of them. I can't keep up/ I have so much I need to be paying attention to, and I am losing my mind trying to do all this stuff at one time.

     Today I gave Caleb a short class on women in the workplace. He asked me about baby pins and why they are called baby pains. I said I don't know, but maybe because they were used to hold diapers together when people used cloth diapers. Then I told him about how in the 1950's people used cloth diapers and had a service pick up the dirty diapers and bring them more clean diapers. Somehow this led to us talking about how women were not expected to have jobs of their own at the time, and how things have changed. I told him that it was a woman's job to maintain the home, but now it is more culturally acceptable to see women working on their own. It was quite the interesting conversation. He seemed really interested. I don't spend a lot of time talking to him about how things were when I was growing up, but I should. He doesn't know what it was like before cell phones, internet, and big screen tvs. 

     Some people drink beer, I drink Diet Mountain Dew. Ahh.. refreshing! LOL 

     So, I got confirmation that the debt relief program contract is cancelled. Thank God! They took forever to respond. I'm glad to have pulled out of that! Meanwhile, I got news that my FICO score just increased! woop woop ! So, yeah, that would have been a disaster. 

     We moved all of Caleb's National Geographic books and other reference books to our school library. LOL Yes! So now, things are more in place than they were before. We do not have to go into the jungle that was his room before I cleaned to hunt these books down. 

     Part of me is down because of the work I'm putting into Bella's care, and not seeing fast enough results in her getting better. She is my fur baby. I care about her. I love her. Part of me is down because of the work I'm doing overall, and Caleb is not paying attention and/or helping. I am wearing myself down trying to do so much, and I'm tired. I need to not be worried about him running off when I need to to rest. Part of me is down because Nichole nor Mathew are responding to my messages. I will not try anymore. I do not like being ignored or avoided. 

     Then there are the anniversaries of the crises. 1) Dad and Sharon being kicked out of the house 2) going to court to file charges and a protection order 3) Christinia and Harlee moving in and how things went while they were here 4) Christinia and Harlee being kicked out. We already passed the anniversary of Caleb's hospitalizations. All this stuff around the holidays. I prefer not to think of them, and try to be happy, but they come up in my thoughts anyways. 

     I wish things would have worked out. I wish things would have been good for all of us. I had no ill intent behind bringing them here. I only had good intentions of helping them. 

     I am disappointed in Nichole. I have been communicating with her at least since February, nearly everyday, and she is treating me like I don't matter anymore. Why? Because I wrote about both her and Mathew in my blog. Well, guess what? It wasn't the first time! If they had been reading it before, they would both know they had been written about in my blog many, many times before. I don't write their stories, because this blog is about me and my life experiences. I only write about our interactions and how they affect me. I wrote about Mathew's deployment. I wrote about Mathew's birthday presents. I wrote about sending the pictures. I saw the video of Mathew opening the photos! Either he is a good liar and a good actor, or he didn't know in advance that he was getting the photos in the mail. I' m pretty sure he didn't know, because he didn't read the blog! He told me he has been reading the blog since day 1. I don't believe that he could read my blog and have nothing to say about the contents at all. 

     I also want to say that I do NOT have a large following of readers. I do NOT put money into marketing this blog. I do NOT have money to advertise. My readers are generally family or friends who like to know what's going on with me, without having to meet online or by phone because our schedules are different. That being said, the WORLD does NOT know what I write. So, please, calm down. It's not like I'm blasting intimate details of other people's lives on facebook. 

     I am permitted to have my own life experiences. Just because I do not see things the way you do, does not make them wrong, and VICE VERSA. I am permitted to express myself in any legal way I choose. I am not here to tear people down. If you read my blog. you would know that. I am trying to rebuild myself with my disabilities, and raise my son with his. 

     If you are so ashamed of being a Trump supporter, maybe you shouldn't be one. 

     I am not ashamed to be anti-Trump. 

     I want to raise my child in a United States where people come together and make positive changes for his children and his children's children. I don't want to be a part of this civil war that Trump propagates, but I will be stand up for the women, the black people, the brown people, the non-Christian people. the LGBTQ people, the non-binary people... all the people who are being treated unjustly! 

     Caleb just woke up for a drink. Bella is begging for something but I don't know what. I think she wants me t go to bed, but I am not ready. 

     It is now 3:12 a.m. here.

     My workspace is a disaster area. I have papers overflowing next to my laptop. I think I have had at least 4 dews. 

     I don't know. I do know this. You CAN be a REPLUBLICAN and still not support Trump. 

     I don't know why Mathew taunted me. He had to have known that it wouldn't go well. Maybe that was the point. 

     Let me know next time someone grabs you by the pussy Nichole.

     I guess I am only worth the time when Mathew is deployed. 

     Yeah, it brought me down. It brought me way down. Now I can't see my nieces and nephews. Now I can't see my brother. Now I can't see my sister-in-law and friend. So, thanks for triggering me. Now I know where I stand with you. I thought our relationships meant more than our views on politics. 

     I was wrong. If I want to be in your family, I have to think like you, act like you act, and do as you do. Well, guess what? I can't. It's not possible. My blog is a testament as to why. 

     I don't want to lose family, but I guess I already did, so...

     Just to be clear, you would know I am on food stamps if you read my blog. You would also know I am going to have to go to a food pantry soon, that is authorized by the county, for food supplies. So, it wouldn't be a surprise to you that I don't pay taxes. It was a surprise to you when I told you I don't pay taxes. I don't make enough taxable income to pay taxes. It's not a mystery. 

     You would know that Caleb is on Medicaid. I can't afford health insurance. Medicaid pays for his medical expenses. 

     You would know that my house is over 30 years old and falling apart. The grass on my property is the least of my worries. 

     You would know these things and more if you really did read my blog everyday. If you knew about these things and didn't offer to help, what does that mean? 

     Does it mean you don't care now? And never did care? What does it mean when you don't want other people to have health coverage at affordable rates? Where would Caleb and I be if we both did not have healthcare coverage? Homeless and bankrupt. I would be out on the streets hallucinating for the world to see, and nobody lending a hand. I would be in a lot more pain without my medications. Caleb would be even more uncontrollable without his medications. 

     Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, because it's not you or your family, and that's what's wrong. 

     Where would I be without food assistance right now? Caleb is now 5 feet 5 inches and growing everyday. He eats like he has a bottomless pit for a stomach. How would I get food in the house? 

     I'm already practically maxed out on credit cards. I'm running out of options here. I can't hold a job. If somehow, I could, how would I pay for Caleb's babysitter too? 

     I am in contact with Bella's previous parent. If something happens to me, she is to go back to him. If I need help to support her, I will ask him as a last resort. Right now, I am leaning on Aunt Lisa to help me here and there. Bella is a family member She is not just a pet. I will not just toss her away to someone else because it becomes too much work. 

     I am having trouble and struggling with daily life, and you must laugh at my discomfort, because you certainly don't offer a hand. 

     Laugh when they are down, right? I get it now.

     I have too much on my plate. I need to focus on what it going on here and now. I need to re-center. I have discontinued my classes. I am trying to do things at home to keep my stress levels down. I have been alone in this all this time. I am going to be ok. 

     PTFO

      

5 Year Journal Day 104

      Today's prompt is "What is your favorite thing to do on a Sunday?" Rest.

     It is now 1:18 a.m. and Caleb and I woke up at the same time. He is talkative. I had to use the bathroom. Yesterday was a busy day. I ran a lot of errands back to back to try to catch up. I made a lot of progress on the kitchen. I have come to the conclusion that our school days are not going to look like a regular school day. I can not sit in one place all day and run the house. Caleb can not sit in one place all day period. 

     I missed my Wounded Warrior Project class AND my Veterans Path class yesterday. I was just too tired.

     After being talked back to about cleaning the living room back to the way I had cleaned it, I told Caleb if he continues on this path he is going to a Group Home. He has been leaving the house without permission, even while I am sleeping. I must have reached my limit. I did not have it planned to talk to him about a group home. It just kind of came out. If he can't follow my rules, something has to change. I can not be responsible for someone who just doesn't care about safety. I can not run my house like a prison. I should not wake up to find my 11 year old son gone! I've had enough of this bullshit. Maybe you are blessed and don't know someone with ODD, but I live with someone I'm responsible for who does have it. 

     I felt really down after that conversation. I don't want things to go that way. I'm a single parent with disabilities. I can only do so much. I don't have support here. He needs to realize the seriousness of his actions. 

     I do not think Bella has ear mites. I think she has seasonal allergies. I am going to go ahead and continue treatment for ear mites, just in case I am wrong. The Chewy supplies I ordered arrived yesterday, so she tried her allergy chews for the first time. She liked them! Bella has a vet visit scheduled for next month for updates on her shots. I will have her checked out then, as long as her symptoms seem to be getting better. If they get worse, I will have to take her in sooner. 

     Today we are going to try to get some lessons done. I don't think we have any appointments, and I don't have to go anywhere. It should be a good school day, pending Caleb's behavior.

     Caleb starts and additional medication today so let's see how that goes. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 103

      Today's prompt is "Write down a new fact you recently learned." The indentation of the milk jug pops out when the milk is bad.

     Yesterday I did not write a blog. I was too busy. My day started at 6:00 a.m. to get ready for my early morning appointment in Wilmington. We went and came back, and I immediately sat down to give Bella her treatments. Then I went to work on the computer paying the bills. I had a few minutes left so I placed an order with Chewy for Bella. After that, it was time to leave for Caleb's appointments. We went and came back. I was exhausted and hungry. I ate leftovers real quick and went to lay down. 

     So we had just spent time talking about how dangerous it is for Caleb to leave the house without permission, and what does he do as soon as he gets home? Disappears! I'm so frustrated and tired.

     Sunday I had hoped to do the things I planned for Saturday that didn't get done. That didn't happen. I was exhausted and in pain. I stayed in bed for most of the day. 

     Today is Tuesday and I am moving slowly. I did not sleep well. It is 8:38 a.m. now. I am still trying to wake up and get myself together.

     My workspace is cluttered with more paperwork. My kitchen needs work. Caleb has taken over the living room. I'm tired. I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to make it to my next paycheck. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, but budgeting is important and so is forecasting. Next month will be easier as I will have fewer bills. 

     Bella woke up and came to me. I rubbed her ears for her. I know they bother the shit out of her. My poor girl. She had a good night's sleep with me last night. It was not filled with licking herself and scratching. I'm doing ok with helping her. She needs good rest, just as much as I do. I sleep better when she isn't  moving on the bed at night. 

     So I have been really focused on cleaning up lately, and the struggle continues. I did a really good job, but the work is never over. I did the big stuff. I am still working on the laundry. I had to let the kitchen go while I was working on other parts of the house. I am behind on the kitchen cleaning now, but that doesn't usually take me too long. 

    Homeschooling is restarting this week. I have to be able to find balance between Caleb's supervision and teaching and all the other stuff I am responsible for. That's not easy. Caleb drains me with his bad attitude and defiance. I am still taking the Wounded Warrior class for the next several weeks, and that makes me tired. I have let go of the Veterans Path class. I can always catch up on that later. I just took on more than I could handle at one time. The thing is, I have this vision of myself as being able to do these things, and so I try to do them and ultimately fail, because my vision of myself is from when I was healthier and Caleb was either not born yet, or in daycare. I think I have time for things that I don't. I forget how taxing it is to run this house, and I'm not even able to take a break without feeling guilty! I am as busy as I can possibly be. 

     I start bi-weekly Women Veterans' yoga group next week. I need that to help me move more which is one of my goals, and relieve stress.

     Caleb is going to start some new medication soon, so hopefully that will help some. 

     I weighed-in yesterday and showed a loss of 4.6 lbs. Yep that's my hormonal changes. Back to baseline. I'm trying to make sure I am eating raw vegetables every day, salmon every so often, and of my usual cooked vegetables and a protein for dinner. I have started to eat cereal, which I shouldn't be doing, especially in the middle of the night, but I get hungry for it. Cereal is carbs and sugar and I'm not supposed to eating either. I am trying to make sure I drink enough water during the day, and not so much Gatorade Zero or Diet Mountain Dew. Yesterday was horrible because I lived on Diet Dew all day. I just had to go, go, go! I'm not supposed to be doing that, but I was tired, and had to stay awake some how. I am still taking those anti-inflammatory supplements. Once I run out, I will only keep taking the omega 3-6-9 , because supplements are hard to fit into my budget. I am not going to buy any more salmon, as Caleb doesn't like eating it, so... I will just take the supplements and I should be fine. I am going to stop buying pork butt roast. What's in our freezer is all we get. I am going to try to include more fish, but it really just depends on whether we can sustain it. I am going to be cooking more chicken breast. That's something Caleb and I can agree on. When I was at my fittest, in 2013, I ate chicken breast or tilapia for dinners with a mix of beans and vegetables. 

     The thing that is keeping me from losing weight soundly is my portion sizes. I have to slowly make them smaller. It's going to be hard because I only eat what I need to fill my stomach. When I feel full, I feel at ease and at peace. I'm going to have to let that go to lose weight. I'm going to be irritable and even more unable to sleep. Sucks that I have to make that kind of choice. My health is important to me though, so...

     Caleb just turned off the window unit in the living room, and man did that make a difference in the sound pollution!  

     My appointment Monday was for diabetic shoes. I get 2 pairs a year, and it was time to order my new pairs. I ordered the same pair I already have for both. I plan on walking soon. I need to move more. I am not going to push myself like I did when I was younger and more able. I am going to take a slow walk when I start. I am going to try to contain my competitive nature, and just try to do what will get me into a healthy routine. That's what's important at this stage in my health, routines.

     I haven't been using the alpha-stim lately. I need to start again, it really does help.

     Well, I have to start my morning routine. It is 9:37 a.m. here.