Thursday, September 3, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 105

      Today's prompt is "If you could acquire a talent (without any extra effort), what would it be?" Keeping up with coding languages to create programs. 

     It is now 1:41 a.m. here. I am awake because I kept waking up due to being too warm. Yesterday I wore myself out by spending hours on my finances in the morning. I had to reconcile the bills. Yes, it takes that long, and that's doing it as quickly as I can. 

     I called Bella's vet to find out how much an appointment would be to have her looked at for seasonal allergies and ear mites. It would be a minimum of $100. I don't have the money to make an appointment for her, so I hung up. They called me back with some helpful hints I could try to make her feel better. One was to give her benadryl twice a day, and the other was to cleanse her ears with a vinegar and water mixture. 

     I had to rest after giving Bella her treatments and medication. So we rested together. 

     I feel like I have been going, going, going all day since Monday morning. I am exhausted. 

     Caleb started sleeping in his own bed the other night! Yay! We are both in our own beds and comfortable in our own rooms! We have our own spaces once again! It's a miracle!

     Bella's ears looked worse and she is starting to have irritations on her eye brows. Her paws look better. I bought some generic neosporin to put on her ears, and also some generic allergy cream. I am thinking I might need to buy an inflatable cone for her to wear if it continues to get worse. She is no longer coming to me when I call her to me while I am in the "medication" chair. She doesn't like it when I put the drops in her ears. She doesn't like me to touch her ears, but I had to clean them! She doesn't mind it when I rub her paws with ointment as much. 

     I don't want her to get infected. It's one thing to have allergies. It's another thing to have ooze coming out of a sore that won't heal. 

     Yesterday Caleb was sitting on my lap, and I told him I saw a fly coming out of his hair. He got so worked up over and I just kept on. I told him he has fly eggs in his hair now! Bahahaha! He went and got a thin toothed comb to comb his hair. He was working that comb trying to make sure there was nothing. I couldn't stop laughing. At one point he told me I was lying, and he sat back down on my lap. Then he saw the fly out of the corner of his eye! See, I told you ! Better get those fly eggs out of your hair Caleb! He went directly to the shower! LOL I had to share my story. It made me laugh when I was not in a laughing mood. I have been depressed all day since yesterday when I talked about the group home to Caleb. 

     You know, it wasn't a threat. I was trying to illustrate that his behaviors are unsafe, and my job is to keep him safe. If I can not keep him safe, he will go somewhere where he can be kept safe. Like I mentioned  before, my house is not a prison. I will not put locks everywhere to keep him in. He is old enough to know better.

     Caleb made us dinner last night. I was in no mood to cook. Besides, he would have had to make his own dinner anyway because I was planning on making salmon, which he does not like anymore. He made me Velveeta Shells and Cheese for dinner, and he made himself a big bowl of beef ramen noodles both in the microwave. He is going to be a microwave chef one day. When it is his turn to leave the nest, he will at least be able to cook the basics in the microwave. He also likes to make himself homemade mashed potatoes in the microwave, and baked beans with hot dogs (beenie weenies we call them).

     Yeah, I made a huge salad in the mid-afternoon, and ate some as a late lunch, so I was not really hungry for dinner. I have to eat something for dinner though, because I take about 20 different pills before I go to bed. 

     Rachel and I have been texting during the day lately. I really enjoy her company. I hate to bother my Aunt Lisa, especially since I know she is hard at work. Sometimes, I interrupt her day anyway, because I can't help myself. 

     I have been walking around in a tank tunic top with bleach stains and holes in it this week. The holes are bigger now than they were when I first noticed them. Maybe it's time to throw this shirt away. It's hard to let go. I know I will do the same thing to my other tops. I wear them to clean the house. I like to use bleach to clean the kitchen. I always get it on my clothes, so I never want to wear my good clothes.

     I just gave Bella a pig ear to chew on. She loves those. They are so crunchy. She was sitting by watching me, and waiting for me to do something, but I don't know what. I already let her outside. Apparently there is a squirrel or something out there because I heard her growl. I think she is waiting for me to go to bed. She was sleeping with Caleb in his bed. He likes to have her there. I think it makes him feel safer. Plus she's so cuddly.

     Tomorrow Caleb has his occupational therapy appointment in person in the afternoon. Normally I would have both my Wounded Warrior Project class and my Veterans Path class online, but I have withdrawn from both of them. I can't keep up/ I have so much I need to be paying attention to, and I am losing my mind trying to do all this stuff at one time.

     Today I gave Caleb a short class on women in the workplace. He asked me about baby pins and why they are called baby pains. I said I don't know, but maybe because they were used to hold diapers together when people used cloth diapers. Then I told him about how in the 1950's people used cloth diapers and had a service pick up the dirty diapers and bring them more clean diapers. Somehow this led to us talking about how women were not expected to have jobs of their own at the time, and how things have changed. I told him that it was a woman's job to maintain the home, but now it is more culturally acceptable to see women working on their own. It was quite the interesting conversation. He seemed really interested. I don't spend a lot of time talking to him about how things were when I was growing up, but I should. He doesn't know what it was like before cell phones, internet, and big screen tvs. 

     Some people drink beer, I drink Diet Mountain Dew. Ahh.. refreshing! LOL 

     So, I got confirmation that the debt relief program contract is cancelled. Thank God! They took forever to respond. I'm glad to have pulled out of that! Meanwhile, I got news that my FICO score just increased! woop woop ! So, yeah, that would have been a disaster. 

     We moved all of Caleb's National Geographic books and other reference books to our school library. LOL Yes! So now, things are more in place than they were before. We do not have to go into the jungle that was his room before I cleaned to hunt these books down. 

     Part of me is down because of the work I'm putting into Bella's care, and not seeing fast enough results in her getting better. She is my fur baby. I care about her. I love her. Part of me is down because of the work I'm doing overall, and Caleb is not paying attention and/or helping. I am wearing myself down trying to do so much, and I'm tired. I need to not be worried about him running off when I need to to rest. Part of me is down because Nichole nor Mathew are responding to my messages. I will not try anymore. I do not like being ignored or avoided. 

     Then there are the anniversaries of the crises. 1) Dad and Sharon being kicked out of the house 2) going to court to file charges and a protection order 3) Christinia and Harlee moving in and how things went while they were here 4) Christinia and Harlee being kicked out. We already passed the anniversary of Caleb's hospitalizations. All this stuff around the holidays. I prefer not to think of them, and try to be happy, but they come up in my thoughts anyways. 

     I wish things would have worked out. I wish things would have been good for all of us. I had no ill intent behind bringing them here. I only had good intentions of helping them. 

     I am disappointed in Nichole. I have been communicating with her at least since February, nearly everyday, and she is treating me like I don't matter anymore. Why? Because I wrote about both her and Mathew in my blog. Well, guess what? It wasn't the first time! If they had been reading it before, they would both know they had been written about in my blog many, many times before. I don't write their stories, because this blog is about me and my life experiences. I only write about our interactions and how they affect me. I wrote about Mathew's deployment. I wrote about Mathew's birthday presents. I wrote about sending the pictures. I saw the video of Mathew opening the photos! Either he is a good liar and a good actor, or he didn't know in advance that he was getting the photos in the mail. I' m pretty sure he didn't know, because he didn't read the blog! He told me he has been reading the blog since day 1. I don't believe that he could read my blog and have nothing to say about the contents at all. 

     I also want to say that I do NOT have a large following of readers. I do NOT put money into marketing this blog. I do NOT have money to advertise. My readers are generally family or friends who like to know what's going on with me, without having to meet online or by phone because our schedules are different. That being said, the WORLD does NOT know what I write. So, please, calm down. It's not like I'm blasting intimate details of other people's lives on facebook. 

     I am permitted to have my own life experiences. Just because I do not see things the way you do, does not make them wrong, and VICE VERSA. I am permitted to express myself in any legal way I choose. I am not here to tear people down. If you read my blog. you would know that. I am trying to rebuild myself with my disabilities, and raise my son with his. 

     If you are so ashamed of being a Trump supporter, maybe you shouldn't be one. 

     I am not ashamed to be anti-Trump. 

     I want to raise my child in a United States where people come together and make positive changes for his children and his children's children. I don't want to be a part of this civil war that Trump propagates, but I will be stand up for the women, the black people, the brown people, the non-Christian people. the LGBTQ people, the non-binary people... all the people who are being treated unjustly! 

     Caleb just woke up for a drink. Bella is begging for something but I don't know what. I think she wants me t go to bed, but I am not ready. 

     It is now 3:12 a.m. here.

     My workspace is a disaster area. I have papers overflowing next to my laptop. I think I have had at least 4 dews. 

     I don't know. I do know this. You CAN be a REPLUBLICAN and still not support Trump. 

     I don't know why Mathew taunted me. He had to have known that it wouldn't go well. Maybe that was the point. 

     Let me know next time someone grabs you by the pussy Nichole.

     I guess I am only worth the time when Mathew is deployed. 

     Yeah, it brought me down. It brought me way down. Now I can't see my nieces and nephews. Now I can't see my brother. Now I can't see my sister-in-law and friend. So, thanks for triggering me. Now I know where I stand with you. I thought our relationships meant more than our views on politics. 

     I was wrong. If I want to be in your family, I have to think like you, act like you act, and do as you do. Well, guess what? I can't. It's not possible. My blog is a testament as to why. 

     I don't want to lose family, but I guess I already did, so...

     Just to be clear, you would know I am on food stamps if you read my blog. You would also know I am going to have to go to a food pantry soon, that is authorized by the county, for food supplies. So, it wouldn't be a surprise to you that I don't pay taxes. It was a surprise to you when I told you I don't pay taxes. I don't make enough taxable income to pay taxes. It's not a mystery. 

     You would know that Caleb is on Medicaid. I can't afford health insurance. Medicaid pays for his medical expenses. 

     You would know that my house is over 30 years old and falling apart. The grass on my property is the least of my worries. 

     You would know these things and more if you really did read my blog everyday. If you knew about these things and didn't offer to help, what does that mean? 

     Does it mean you don't care now? And never did care? What does it mean when you don't want other people to have health coverage at affordable rates? Where would Caleb and I be if we both did not have healthcare coverage? Homeless and bankrupt. I would be out on the streets hallucinating for the world to see, and nobody lending a hand. I would be in a lot more pain without my medications. Caleb would be even more uncontrollable without his medications. 

     Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, because it's not you or your family, and that's what's wrong. 

     Where would I be without food assistance right now? Caleb is now 5 feet 5 inches and growing everyday. He eats like he has a bottomless pit for a stomach. How would I get food in the house? 

     I'm already practically maxed out on credit cards. I'm running out of options here. I can't hold a job. If somehow, I could, how would I pay for Caleb's babysitter too? 

     I am in contact with Bella's previous parent. If something happens to me, she is to go back to him. If I need help to support her, I will ask him as a last resort. Right now, I am leaning on Aunt Lisa to help me here and there. Bella is a family member She is not just a pet. I will not just toss her away to someone else because it becomes too much work. 

     I am having trouble and struggling with daily life, and you must laugh at my discomfort, because you certainly don't offer a hand. 

     Laugh when they are down, right? I get it now.

     I have too much on my plate. I need to focus on what it going on here and now. I need to re-center. I have discontinued my classes. I am trying to do things at home to keep my stress levels down. I have been alone in this all this time. I am going to be ok. 

     PTFO

      

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