Today's prompt is "How would your parents describe you? (You can call them and ask.)" My dad would say I'm a mentally ill, crazy person who is a bad mother raising a wild child. I'm not sure what my mom would say.
It is now 1:13 a.m. here. I don't know why I woke up. I was perfectly fine. I was warm, but not hot. I had space and was not falling off the bed tonight. I wanted to vape and needed charged batteries, so I got up from bed. Caleb slept in my bed again tonight. He says I keep him warm. I believe it. I put off a lot of heat.
Yesterday was a productive day. Caleb and I actually slept until about 9:30 in the morning. It was amazing. After we took our medications, I decided that we needed to go out to the grocery store. We went to Publix to buy our favorite fresh bread, Italian 5 grain. I went to the post office to mail a VA form that was requested by them. Then we drove all the way to Walmart and I bought about 3/4 of a cart full of groceries. We needed staples like almondmilk , chicken breasts, and fresh vegetables. Then we came home, and Caleb unloaded the Mazda, as usual. I put away the groceries, as usual. I had already started cooking a chuck roast in the crock pot with some red potatoes, but I did not have the sweet onions, baby carrots, thyme, or rosemary when I started cooking before we left. I added those ingredients after we got back. Caleb unloaded the dishwasher and the dish strainer for me. He wanted to earn a Hot Wheels car so I had him also take out the trash, put a bag in the trash can, and put a bag out for the recycling. I also had him attempt to bring the living room back to the state I had it in when I cleaned it. He had to clear the kitchen island, which I had asked him more than a few times in the past few days to do, and he never did. Once I was satisfied that he had done enough, I let him have the special Hot Wheels car he wanted from what I already had on hand.
I was able to get a couple of loads of laundry washed. I still have a few loads ahead of me. I have more than one kitchen trash bag of Caleb's clothes to donate to his friend, Gage.
I read a meme about about 9/11 to Caleb and we talked about the significance of the day. We lit some candles, incense, and sage for the fallen.
Oh, I almost forgot that I went back to Amsterdam Life and bought a second bottle of e-juice to last me until my regular shipment comes in. The store clerk says "That's a lot of crosses on you." And I reply, " I went through something." A few seconds of silence passes and I say, " You can't go wrong with Jesus." It is quiet again, and I say, " Somebody's got to have my back. Seems like nobody's got my back." She responds, "Your grandma's got your back." It was eerie, but nice to been seen by somebody. I had to tell my Aunt Lisa. I text my Aunt Lisa and asked for a Facetime appointment with her, since she has been crazy busy lately.
At some point I went to check my EBT card balance. It was higher than I expected when I looked at the Publix receipt, so I checked it again on the app on my phone. It was correct. Extra money had been put on my EBT card. Someone was definitely looking out for me! I was worried that I would not be able to buy everything on my short grocery list, prior to that.
Now, I'd like to say that when I was talking about nobody having my back, I had been taken to the moment I got the tattoos, 7 years ago. I was alone in the world, freshly out of the hospital and not really trusting anyone. Getting my tattoos was the first thing I did when I got out of the hospital.
Today, there are definitely people who have my back. My Aunt Lisa for sure, Rachel, my mom to some extent, Nichole did have my back at one time... Things have changed over the years, and I have seldom been fully alone. I might have felt all alone, but I almost always had someone to talk to. So, no I am not unaware of my current allies.
Caleb asked me to buy him some new pajamas, as he is growing out of the pajamas he has. I went and looked on Amazon to see what was available on his size. I came to the conclusion that I would get a better deal at a Children's Place after my search. I went to a Children's Place and bought a number of oversized pajama sets for him. I figure I will give him one or two now, one or two for Christmas, and one or two for his birthday. They were all on sale, so I didn't pay full price.
Bella got a treat of the pieces of chuck roast that we cut off, mostly fat, with her dinner. She licked the plate clean!
Caleb spilled water on the cable box, so now it has to be replaced because it is no longer working. No Sponge Bob in the house right now.
Today is Saturday. I need to try to finish up washing the laundry before Sunday. On Sunday, we are going to a birthday party. It is the first function we are going to since the outbreak. I am planning on bringing Haley's brother, Gage, the clothes that I have put aside. Gage and Caleb have known each other since first grade. Donna, their grandmother/custodial adoptive parent has ordered a big inflatable water slide for the birthday party. I might need to bring my own chair to sit down outside.
I scared the mess out of Caleb. He is scared of this thing called "Siren Head" and he was watching a Siren Head video clip, and I grabbed him by the shoulder and said "Baaahhhhh!" LOL He almost fell off the bed! Oh man! He jumped so high! I'm evil.
I want to get the bathroom cleaned up today. I don't know if I will be able to do all the stretching and bending over it requires, but I guess I can try. It desperately needs to be cleaned. Once I get the laundry cleaned, it will no longer be on the hallway floor, so I can clean the hallway floor. I just want to get things to a place where we just maintain it. I wish I could get that through Caleb's head. It doesn't have to be this much work all the damn time.
I lost my nose stud at some point and had to replace it again. Thank goodness I bought a 20 pack a while back, because I seem to lose them frequently.
I am not doing well on my diet. I am too stressed to say no. I am not eating out or anything like that, because, well, I can't afford it. I am just not watching my portions. I am eating what feels good. I am still trying to eat raw vegetables every day. I bought grapes on sale the other day. I haven't been eating fruits at all. I have been eating carbs like I don't care though. I eat cereal in the morning, and have sandwiches whenever there is bread in the house. I ate potatoes with the roast last night, and carrots! I don't think my primary care provider is going to be impressed with my weight or my A1C in December. I still have time time to change. I don't know that I will though. Some things are just not worth it in the greater scheme of things. The world is a crazy place to be in right now. I'm just trying to stay afloat and not drown in my own problems.
I feel like generally speaking, I am moving more. I am getting more stuff done around the house than I was before. It may not be enough to lose weight, but it is a noticeable achievement. I have been stuck in a rut since Christinia left. I am finally pulling myself out of it.
I am using my diabetic shoes, with custom insoles and lift, and also my compression socks. I am suffering less lower back pain. My shoulders and neck are not hurting as much as they use to. As a matter of fact most days they don't hurt at all anymore. I am able to stand for greater periods of time without hurting my feet, back, or shoulders. It's all good news.
Bella seems to be doing better. I noticed her eyebrows were pink again. She must be itching and scratching again. Poor thing. Her ears looked to be fully healed from all the scratching. I think her paws are healed from the biting and licking. I am going to keep her on the allergy medication until the grass dies for the season. I don't know what she is allergic to. She has never had this problem before and I have had her here for 3 years already.
Caleb wants to start on the science project but when I asked him if he wanted to go and get the supplies, he was too tired. So maybe we will do that soon. We need some kind of weights to figure out how much weight it takes to sink a floating gatorade bottle. We also need something to keep the bottles in position and together to form the life raft. We have collected a lot of bottles already, so we can get started on figuring out a few things to plan how we will construct the life raft.
I am not being successful at the whole homeschooling thing. I am having trouble managing my own health, and the state of the household. Homeschooling takes cooperation. I am not getting that. I have to fight and argue to get things done and it is taxing. I don't want to hear about how Caleb should be spanked, or punished. He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD many years ago, and this is not a temporary way of being, nor is it caused by hormone changes. His brain is different than the average bear and has always been.
I am not the only parent of a child with ADHD and ODD who is having a hard time. We all are. I would be struggling even more if he were still enrolled in public school. I can't maintain their schedule. We are not at home for the whole day, every week day.
I am just going to have to live with the fact that I am also not the average bear, and I am doing the best I can with what I have. As it is, I have found that Caleb has trouble with third grade math. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have to manage the household at the same time within my limitations. It isn't easy to juggle all these responsibilities.
Caleb needs direct supervision to work, and I have to multi-task to get everything done that I need to get done. So how am I going to get around this problem?
My dad's birthday is today. He turns 61 years old. I only remember that because he made such a big deal about being 60 years old over and over again last year. He put his hands on my baby. Twice. He will never live that down.
Fernando is going to move back to Brazil on October, with his mistress. I will probably never see him again. Caleb only met him once, 7 years ago, before I was hospitalized. I wish my family was closer. I wish I could visit all of my family and show Caleb who he is related to in person, more than just once.
So it seems like I am losing a lot of family this year, in one way or another. Mathew, Nichole and the kids, Sherri, Russ, and the kids, and Fernando. I hate being separated from my family because I am different , but I won't stay with anyone who would abuse me either. I'm not saying anyone from this group has abused me, but I am saying that when there are major disagreements, the potential is there. I would rather separate and not let things get worse.
It sucks. I always wanted a big family. We are so divided. I don't know more than half the people I am related to.
Caleb turns 12 this year. I do not think he will have a birthday party again this year. They are very expensive for one thing. I do not think the COVID-19 ordeal will be over by then for another.
I do not think we will congregate for the holidays. We will likely spend all of them by ourselves. I would like to be able to provide a few things I know Caleb wants for either Christmas or his birthday. I love shopping for other people, but I lack the money to be able to afford the things I want to buy.
I would like to get Caleb a laptop. I don't know if I can afford one. I am thinking I will wait until Black Friday or Cyber Monday to try to buy one as cheaply as possible.
I get paid on Tuesday, so I am looking forward to that. I haven't decided what to do with what is left over after paying the bills. I am sure I will have to prepay some of the electric bill for next month. I also would like to pay back some of the credit I used to finance Bella's needs. I can't forget that I need to stretch every penny because even though I get paid at the beginning of the month too, I don't have much left over after paying the first of month's bills. So I have to prepare to save for groceries and gas.
Time is moving so slowly when it comes to being able to pay off my credit cards, and so quickly when it comes to trying to homeschool Caleb. It's a paradox.
The thing I learned about shadow work through reading that kindle book, is that we are not perfect. What I mean by that, is we have this set of ideas about who we are, but we are so much more than that. We are not always one way. At any given time we can be different from how we want to be viewed, or how we view ourselves. I learned that I have to accept the things I don't like necessarily like about myself in order to find peace, and to grow. I , too, can project my beliefs onto others. I , too, can see in others what I do not like about myself. I am one step closer to my ultimate goal of peace by reading and understanding that book. I plan on reading more books like it, once I charge the kindle. I want a different perspective and different words to describe to me what I should be doing to further my growth.
I hate that I had to quit the Wounded Warrior Project group. It was requiring too much of my time and it required homework. I just can not do that right now. It was causing me too much distress.
I hate that I had to quit the Veterans Path Mindfulness program too. I am just too tired at 5 p.m. to pay attention to much other than dinner.
I wish I could just dedicate my brain to helping Caleb. I wish I could get myself together and make this work better. I feel like such a loser. At the same time, I feel like I am doing everything in my power to keep our lives as normal as it can be right now. I know I am not alone in this, bit I sure as Hell feel like it. I try to maintain relationships, which previously I was unable to do. I try to maintain communication with others to keep my perspective constantly refreshing on reality and not get sunk into my own private Hell in my head.
It is one thing to come out and say "I have been diagnosed with major depression with psychotic features." It is another thing to make it so others know exactly what it is like to live with that kind of diagnosis. It's Fucking Hell! Not because I was diagnosed, but because the diagnosis is accurate. The same with fibromyalgia. Most people don't even know what the Hell that means. There are so many symptoms and everybody who has it, experiences it somewhat differently. There is no cure. There is limited treatment, and it is not effective.
You know? I have to watch myself because I have an underage son to take care of, and no support system close by. I may need to check myself in to the mental hospital at some point. How would I know if I am losing my sense of reality, without others watching over me? The only reason I was hospitalized the first time is because Mathew made a call to have welfare check done on me. That's the only reason. I had no idea I was that bad off. I was just living my life and one day, boom! I'm being checked in to the E.R. by the police. He didn't bother to call me and find out what was going on. He didn't bother to think about the consequences of his actions. He didn't bother to think that it might take me years to recover from it. He damned sure didn't care enough about Caleb to drop what the fuck he was doing to come save him. No one did. No one came to his rescue when I was taken against my desire. Only John and Sharon came to help me after some months had passed. I was living in my own personal Hell. I was about to lose my housing. I didn't know how I was going to be able to pay the bills. I was living off of trail mix. I couldn't stop crying for the life of me. I was terrified to be alone, but I was always alone.
I somehow managed to pick myself up from that lowest of low points, with the help of my psychiatrist who was finally assigned. By the way, I was only one day away from seeing a psychiatrist at the VA when they hospitalized me. I also had the help of my therapist. You want to know why I don't want to move? These women in my life, have been there to see me at my absolute worst, and have been there for me ever since. It's been 7 years now. I'm still not the same as I was before I was hospitalized. And Mathew and Nichole want to talk to me about a Hardee's triple cheeseburger I had once? Get real. That's the least of my problems. I am still trying to recover from the damages caused by Mathew 7 years ago. If he had asked me, I would have told him I had an appointment for the next day to see a psychiatrist.
I don't know what caused the change in my brain to hallucinate, but I have not always hallucinated. I was living with Caleb. I had no friends who were regularly seeing me to observe my behaviors or question my thought processes. I had no family ties. I had just visited Fernando and my grandma de Mello, along with my Aunt Lisa and her family. I was fine then.
I was living off the Post 9/11 GI bill and going to UNCW. I couldn't relate to the younger students, and there were no veterans groups established at the time. I don't know what the social worker said about me to the community, but all of a sudden I was being treated like a criminal.
I was drug free. I was having a glass of wine every now and again, but no heavy drinking. I had long been off anti-depressants because it took so long to get an appointment with mental health at the VA. I was taking dietary supplements to help me lose weight, and I was working out at least 4 times a week. I had lost a lot of weight. I was happier, I had more energy. I didn't feel depressed.
After I was hospitalized I emerged a completely different person. I could no longer trust anybody. I felt like how a leper must have felt back in the days of Moses.
So when I say I didn't ask for this. I didn't. It was forced upon me.
I wasn't hurting anybody. I wasn't hurting myself. I was not risking anybody's life. I was not a harm to myself or to others.
If it wasn't for the dog tag that I had made with my mother's phone number on it, I would not have been able to call anyone, because I did not have any phone numbers memorized. Everything was taken from me. I had nothing of my own but my underwear. I was heavily drugged in the E.R. I don't know how long I slept. I could barely comprehend what people were saying. I was being asked to signs forms without understanding what I was signing.
I was transferred to the mental hospital at some point. I don't know how long I slept. The drugs they gave me were heavily sedating. I didn't know what was going on. I couldn't even think about Caleb at that point.
I was there for a total of about 13 days. The psychiatrist wanted to hold me there longer, but I begged to let back home before I lost my housing from not paying the bills. I had no access to a computer. I was not even allowed to keep my purse. There was only one phone for about 10 patients to use during an hour of each day.
I came home, fully expecting to get my son back, and didn't. He was in emergency foster care. I lost my son for almost an entire year before regaining custody. I was told that if I did not have someone living with me, there was a likely chance that I would not get my son back at all. I quickly enlisted John and Sharon to live with me. It was horrible living with them. I can not believe I decided to do it a second time. I thought they might have grown and changed, but they didn't . They were just better at being fake.
Mathew never asked me if I was ok, or how I was doing. If he had asked I would have told him that I felt like I lost my reason for living.
He still doesn't ask me how I am doing. I have to write this Fucking blog because I have no one to talk to about all these things. No one has the time.
So here I am, 7 years later. I completed my degree despite myself. I bought a house despite myself. I raised my son despite myself. I parent a loving dog despite myself. I am living a life, despite my trials and tribulations. Literally trials. I had to go to court multiple times before I could get my son back.
Do I care about people who don't care about me or my son? Yes. I do. I have a bigger heart than most. I believe in Jesus, and his teachings. I might stray from Jesus every so often, but Jesus has always gotten me through my tough times.
Maybe it's time I let go. Look at all I have been through. I never would have made this far without my mental health team.
I thought that even if I remained single for the rest of my life, I could always count on Mathew to grow old with me. I think I was wrong. Apparently he has who he wants to grow old with, and I am just someone who can be tossed aside. I don't matter. I thought our bond was stronger than some pussy, but what do I know?
It's going to be ok though. I will pick myself back up, just like I have in the past, and move on. It will just take some time to heal my wounds.
I am not ok right now. I am dealing with the anniversaries of many things that were a big deal to me. If you lived through it, it would be a big deal to you too.
My protection order is going to expire. I need to figure out what I am going to do. I feel like I will never see John or Sharon again, and that is just fine with me.
The holidays are coming up. I don't want to be dealing with all this negativity, but I might be. Not to mention what is going on in the world right now.
How can you say that protecting the waterways and oceans is not important? We need water to drink!
How can you say that science is not important? How can you go against what leading scientists and medical professionals are saying?
Why the Hell would you believe that wearing a mask is ineffective for spreading germs, when surgical teams have been wearing them for decades?
I'm sorry, but if you choose to follow someone who says windmills cause cancer, you're an idiot.
The time is now 4:26 a.m. here. I need to go back to bed. This shit is crazy. I'm out.
No comments:
Post a Comment