Today's prompt is "What are three words to describe your social life?" Work in progress.
It is now 3:06 a.m. here. I am awake because I was too warm and needed charged batteries for my e-cigarette. I am still tired. I was not sleeping well. I fell asleep after worrying about things I have no control over.
Yesterday was a complicated day. I woke up around 9 a.m., realizing that it was later than I thought. My appointment with my therapist was online at 10 a.m. My appointment went well. After the appointment, Caleb and I went to run some errands around town. I mailed my absentee ballot in, and went grocery shopping for odds and ends like a mop and ketchup. When we got home, I was tired. I went to lay down and rest for awhile when I received a notification that John requested a replacement card to one of my credit card accounts. I went into a panic. I called to remove him as an authorized user to my account. Then I had to check every other account for the same thing. He had requested a card to another account too. I removed him from two other accounts. I thought I had done this last year before he was forced to leave my home. I was perplexed as to why he would be requesting cards to my accounts a year later from leaving us. I got angry. I was stressed out. I got scared. What the Hell was his motive? I wanted to call and unleash my anger on him, but I didn't want to re-establish communication at the same time. Like I said, it was a complicated day. I reached out to Rachel. I reached out to Aunt Lisa. When I couldn't calm down, I reached out to Ashley. I reached out to Donna. I sent Mathew a message warning him of what had happened. He actually read that message.
My heart was racing. What were his plans? Is the protection order expired? Does he plan on hurting us? What else could he be planning? I thought I was safer from him since he left and has been gone for a year. I guess I was wrong to think that. I think I will be haunted by John and Sharon for the rest of my life.
I did get some good advice. I should get another protection order first. I should find out what address the card was going to be sent to. I should inform the police of where he is. I should look to see if I have a picture of his license plate from hurricane Florence photos. I should protect us at all costs. John de Mello is a dangerous man.
Just when I didn't think my day could get any worse, I blew up at Caleb, and I when I put the food I wanted to make for dinner in the crockpot, I neglected to power the crockpot on. So dinner was still frozen when we were expecting to eat. Ugh.
I got frustrated that Caleb would not clean up his messes in the living room, when I had already told him several times that we were going to have guests visiting today. It was while I working on checking my credit card accounts, and I just could not take any more stress. I erupted like a volcano. I am still so tense that my shoulders are reaching my ears.
Then I looked up PID. I think I have it still. I did not know there was a way to cure it. I do not think I was given antibiotics for it when I was diagnosed. I know that imaging was not taken. I contacted my primary care provider about the pain in my pelvis and my lower back that I had all week. I wish I had contacted her sooner. The VA is closed on the weekends, and it can take up to 3 business days to hear from them. I am not looking to have more children, but I am worried that if I have had it for this long what kind of damages have been done, and that I will have to live with the pain forever.
If I go through with what I should do, and John gets caught, he will be arrested on his outstanding warrant. Caleb and I will have to go to court and testify against him. He will be charged with assault against a minor under 12 on two counts.
I hate going to court. I hate dealing with the police. I don't want to ever see John again.
Of course I can't talk to Mathew anymore. He and Nichole still can't get over that I write my thoughts in this journal, and sometimes it includes them. Sucks ass.
I was going to call a veterans crisis line to talk to someone, but didn't.
Today, Deion and his niece are coming over to visit Bella. I have not cleaned the house to the standard I would have liked. I could not keep up with everything I had going on. I barely got dinner together. I made tater tots and Caleb heated some chicken nuggets in the microwave.
I was able to print some helpful worksheets for homeschooling for free though. I am looking forward to teaching and learning with Caleb about some scripture. I have a calendar with scripture for each day. I need to clean up my workspace again. I am trying to get back into the swing of things. It's not easy after being down for so long. My lower back and pelvis still hurt, just not as much. There is a meme that goes around in one of my veteran support groups that says something like "Dr: How much pain are you in? Me: The regular amount of pain. Dr: The regular amount of pain is zero. Me: Looks over like that is news to me!" Yep that describes me to the t. I thought pain was normal. I'm not supposed to have any pain. LOL Yeah, right. I'll buy that for a dollar! I'm in constant pain. It's chronic and constant.
There is a fundraiser going on from Olay. The face cream in the camouflage container raises $250 per bottle sound for Service Women's Action Network. It costs less than $30 per bottle. I thought about it really hard before I decided to buy a bottle. I am a member of Service Women's Action Network, and this is one of the best ways I can support them. It has to be purchased from Walmart.com in order to qualify.
Caleb is wide awake. I accidentally woke him up by stepping on something that made a loud sound, on my way to my computer. Bella is up too. I love rubbing her. It brings me so much peace. It helps me feel love in my heart.
I can feel the air now. I could not feel it before. I was too warm.
I got a Ranger Joe's catalog in the mail today and Caleb wanted to keep it, so I let him have it. He is interested in all the uniforms, medals, and gadgets in there. It's an awesome catalog. I enjoy looking through it still, and I am not in the Army any more.
I bought some unnecessary things from Walmart.com yesterday. I bought some "Seabreeze" and "Beach Glass" colored yarn, metal swivel lobster claw clasp lanyard snap hooks, thin hemp cord twine, and mini wood clothes pins for my craft that I have wanted to do since getting the photos from our photo shoot printed. It's going to be cool. I am going to design a net for the wall with those supplies and hang the photos on it.
Bella is curled up on the couch with Caleb under the weighted blanket. She just has her head sticking out. It's so adorable. That Bella Boo Boo girl.
Caleb is so talkative early in the morning and I am just not. OMG, this kid.
Let's see. What else is going on? Well, I walked into Walmart yesterday with my Wounded Warrior Project neck gaiter covering my head because I did not do my hair. It fell off, and I gave up on it. So I walked around looking like a crazy woman probably. That didn't keep this man in one of those shopping scooters from having a conversation with me! We chatted in the seasoning and spices aisle. He told me he wished he could drink Dew, because he saw that I had 2 24 packs in my cart. I told him I crave it. He said he couldn't take the carbonation of sodas anymore. I told him I need the carbonation. It was an interesting conversation between two total strangers. It was nice to be talked to for no reason. I looked like a bum, but I am a nice bum. My tank tunic was dirty was bleach stains and food stains. My shorts kept falling down. I was wearing the good ol compression socks and diabetic shoes. And of course, my hair was down and unkept.
I felt like I was walking funny while I was shopping. Like my legs were on crooked. I wasn't in a lot of pain so I was really moving. Caleb wanted to be left in the car, so I was trying to hurry. It was gray outside and looked like we would be getting more rain, so I wasn't concerned about the temperature outside. It was much cooler than it had been earlier in the Summer. I found the mop I was looking for and went ahead and bought the extra mop head that was available this time. Sometimes I do not get so lucky. I bought the last mop of its kind. Score!
Caleb keeps asking about his game, and I have no clue what's going on with it. He wants me to watch him play all the time, but he knows I can't because of my seizures. Watching stuff on tv has been making me feel nauseous, so I have stopped watching tv.
I bought Caleb some pumpkin spice flavored coffee pods so he could make himself some seasonal coffee. It was a special buy for him that I found while looking around. I bought him some spice cake to make too. I unfortunately forgot to get the icing, but that's ok. I can get it next time.
Yeah, I'm really upset about John. It's no coincidence that the expiration date of the protection order is near or has recently passed.
Well, I just looked through my photos and have no photos of John's license plate. Now that I think of it, it wouldn't matter anyway, because he had to get a new license plate when he left. His tag was dead. They got a new plate before going to court about the protection order. I saw a lot of happy photos in the mix. I saw photos of hospitalizations too. We did have some good times, but they don't make up for the assaults and the toxic behavior.
I saw the photos of Christinia and Harlee too. Harlee could be sweet sometimes, but most times she was just a ball of energy who liked to play with things that were not toys. Christinia and I had a good relationship, I thought, for a while. I miss that. I did everything I could for her and her daughter. She needed mental health treatment so badly. She needed stronger medications than what she was on. I'm glad I no longer feel responsible for her.
I'm glad I no longer feel responsible for John or Sharon either.
It is now 5:05 a.m. and both Caleb and I are awake.
Things are so complicated. I have no communication with Christinia, and that's for the best. She flipped on me when I told her I needed her to take responsibility for her own phone bill after she decided she needed to move out. I don't know why she would expect me to continue to pay her bill, but she obviously did. When we were talking about when she was moving out, she had already made plans to leave soon. She did not wait to talk to me about things. She worked behind my back like I was the enemy. I never meant her any harm. I was just trying to help. Things were complicated because of our kids and everyone's mental illnesses. Caleb was recovering from John's bad behavior. She was recovering from her ex's bad behavior. I was recovering from the drama and trauma caused by getting involved with authorities. Harlee was not being treated for her problems. It was a mad house!
Christinia's emotions swung from end of the spectrum to the other in a flash. She had Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex PTSD. I was unfamiliar with those terms, so I had to try to educate myself. She did not tell me these things until after she moved in. I had sent her money to get by previously. She was not able to get diapers and needs. I could not afford to continue to send her money as she was running out of ways to come up with money to get the bills paid. It made sense to me to have her move here, where I could help her get established with some government assistance. She would not have to worry about becoming homeless and there would always be food to eat. I cared for her like I cared for no one else in my life because she helped me give birth to Caleb in Korea. I had no support there. No one was watching out for me. I was very pregnant and had no one to call if I needed help. I lived alone off post. There was a snowstorm outside. It was around the holidays. She rescued me in the middle of the night and took me to the hospital. I was in labor and did not even know it. She stayed with me until Caleb was born. She held my hand and helped me push him out. My after birth landed on her shoe. She saw me in rare form. No one will ever see me like that again. I honor her for that. We were pregnant together. She gave birth to her first born son about a week or two before I gave birth to Caleb. She was a soldier with me. We were in the same unit. She worked in the motor pool doing motor pool supply. I worked in S-4, doing unit supply. We suffered a lot separately and together. She was like my Army issued sister.
I hate that she did not help me pay off the debt she created with her plane tickets, but I no longer have hate for her. I am sorry things did not work out. It really hurt me. I had to keep fighting the good fight without her, and I felt the loss. I feel the loss. She could be a good person. I hope she finds her way, and gets her life straightened out. Sometimes we have to let people go their own way and walk their own path alone, even though it hurts us to see them struggle.
I felt similarly about John and Sharon. They were living in an extended stay hotel when I re-established communication with them. It was a sad sight to see. The walls were lined in plastic shelving that were full of just junk they had collected. The floor was sticky and gross. Clothes were everywhere. There was hardly anywhere to walk. It was like living in a cage for humans. The hotel was changing management and they were having a hard time maintaining their stay there.
When I offered them to live with me, we had been talking for at least 6 months by phone. They were living in Myrtle Beach, SC. At the time, I was lonely. I was at home alone for most of the day, while Caleb was at school, and had no friends to call. I called John multiple times a day to shoot the shit. If I am not mistaken, Travis moved out that January or maybe the end of December. It was March when John and Sharon moved in. I had a seizure and was not supposed to be driving but I still had to get to places. I needed a driver that I didn't have to pay to drive me everywhere I needed to go. Yeah, it was February of 2018 when I had my seizure. They moved in to live with us in March 2018. They were forced to leave my home in the September of 2019.
I mean, it started out meaning well. I do not know how we ended up hating each other. I mean the things that came out of their mouths that day they were escorted off the property. I never knew they hated me so much. I never knew how they really thought of me. They thought I was a horrible parent and that my parenting was the cause of Caleb's behavior problems. Caleb was diagnosed with ADHD at a very young age. He was diagnosed with ODD during a psychological evaluation we had done several years ago. Neither of those diagnoses are caused by my parenting and anyone who knows anything about them, knows that. Sharon is one class away from a doctorate in the field of nursing. If that doesn't give you a bad taste in your mouth, I don't know what will. She supported John in choking my son. What kind of nurse supports the assault of a child as a punishment for unwanted behavior?
It hurts. We were working together to better our lives as a family. Now we are worse than when we started. They are back in an extended stay hotel from what I was told. I am sure they cannot afford to get an apartment because any money I would save in their accounts, they would spend! You need at least a deposit and first month's rent to move in. They don't have that. They also don't have good credit.
I was trying to lift them out of poverty. I was trying to do the same for Christinia. It's not my fault it didn't work out. I did everything in my power to help them all. I was able to successfully help Travis. He is now rated at 100% VA disability and can afford to take care of himself. I was working on John's claim. I was trying to get Sharon to go to her medical appointments. I was trying to set Christinia up from scratch, as she had nothing in her favor.
I'd like to mention that no one did this for me. No one saved me from the possibility of becoming homeless. No one set me up with medical care. No on helped me with my VA claim. No one helped me with my Social Security claim. No one helped me get medical care for my son. No one helped me pay my bills. No one bought diapers for my son. No one offered to get him psychological testing.
No one paid for my son's daycare. No one paid for my college. No one paid for my car. No one made my life easier by supporting me. No one.
My mom picked me up from the airport when I came back to the United States. She let me live with her for maybe 3 weeks, if that, before she kicked me out. She did not help me get a car. She did help me find a place to live, but it was not where I needed to live to go to college. She did not help raise my toddler, even though she lived less than 15 miles away.
After one year of living alone in the country, an hour's drive away from my school, I reached out to John. He was living in Wilmington at the time. We decided that I could move in with them and go to UNCW and they would help with child care. We could save money by living together. That didn't last long. John and Sharon argued loudly all the time and I could not live there. I had to move out. As soon as I got money from the school refund, I moved to my own place, closer to UNCW. I did not continue to maintain a relationship with either of them. They were too unstable to even talk to about their problems. I had to focus on what I needed to do. I did not want Caleb around them behaving like that.
I was cramped in their 2 bedroom apartment. I shared a room with Caleb, who was almost 3 I think. I had no personal space. I could not sleep well. I was on edge like I was a teenager all over again.
I put myself through college and graduated with no other help. I found my own resources. I made things happen by myself. I was hospitalized and I still managed to get things done.
I was required to have someone live with me if I wanted to get Caleb back from foster care. I reached out to John again. They were living in an apartment in Florida and John had recently lost his job. They were sharing the apartment with one of John's friends from when he worked at the Special Forces language school. It was not going well for them. They were happy to move out of the situation. They moved in to my apartment the Fall of 2013. They were forced to leave at the end of the Summer of 2014.
Caleb was in intensive-in-home therapy and I talked to one of therapists alone and let her know how bad things were in the home. John and Sharon ganged up on Caleb, who was maybe 5 at the time and closed the bedroom door to "spank" him with a belt. I was scared. Unfortunately I was not strong enough to fight them or to stop them. I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I was just standing there, listening.
We came up with a plan after my stories of their behaviors worsened. The team of behavior specialists would sit with me to tell John and Sharon that they needed to move out. John got furious. It was scary!
I went to take a shower several days later, and when I was dressed and came out of my room, the police were at my apartment. John had called the police on me. For what reason? I do not know. I did not do anything. I think he was trying to get me committed again. I was not a harm to myself or others. I was perfectly clear headed. I was not acting out of psychosis. I was acting in order to protect myself and my son from further abuse.
Before they moved in, it was agreed that they would help me pay the rent. They never made a good payment towards helping. I got a bad check though. It bounced and caused me problems. I was not going to pay to be abused. They had to leave. I had custody of my son, the need for them to be there was gone.
They did not go quietly. They did not try to apologize or correct themselves in order to stay. I left with Caleb to a hotel room closeby. I was not going to stay there for them to call the police on me again.
If I had been writing then, like I am now, I might not have let them back in to my life. I might have been able to avoid this shit we are still going through right now. I will do anything to avoid contact with them again.
If I had support from other sources, I could have been helped through my problems. Someone could have told me not to get back together with them, that they are dangerous to be around. Don't trust them with anything ever again.
I can't depend on my mom. I can't depend on my brother. I can't depend on my half-brother or half-sister. I can't depend on my "step-siblings". Who was I to turn to when I needed help? I didn't want to raise Caleb alone. I didn't want to do everything by myself all the time. I didn't want the weight of the world on my shoulders at every second of the day.
The DAV will only transport veterans to appointments on certain days during certain times, but what about Caleb's appointments? How would I buy the groceries? What if I had another seizure?
It's not like it was an easy decision to make. For one, I had to swallow my pride. For two, I had to deal with their pride.
I'm so overweight and unattractive that no one wants to date me seriously. Yeah, I'm ok to fuck, but I'm worthless as a girlfriend. No one wants to be seen with me.
I haven't held a job since I left the Army. I couldn't make friends in college. I struggled with being able to open up with what I had on my mind for one, and for two the average college student is between 18-22 years old. They can't relate to what I've lived through.
I tried to go to church to meet people, but you have to really try to talk to people outside of regular Sunday service to get to know them. I couldn't make that happen.
I am a member of DAV, but I couldn't make it to the meetings due to lack of childcare. The same for VFW.
The only time I had to talk to another adult was at medical appointments, either for me, or for Caleb. I had no social life. I had no way to meet people who share similar interests. I had no way to make friends who could support me in times of need.
Right now, I can count on one hand the people I can call if I need help. Only one person is related to me. It's better than the none I had before, but still. I am trying to meet people in my area to be friends with. I need to find caring, non-toxic people to be in our lives.
I need people who can step in and take control if I need them to. I need people I can trust with my life and my son's life. It's not a mystery as to why I write this blog. There are so many reasons. One reason, though, is that I need people to know. What if John decides to murder me? Will anyone know that he should not be trusted to gain custody of Caleb?
John will continue to cause chaos in my life. He has nothing better to do. I am not looking forward to the future of dealing with him. I only hope we never meet again in person.
It is now 6:37 a.m. here. I feel like I am fighting for my right to live a peaceful life without torment. I lack the magic to make it stop.
I will check the paperwork for the protection order later today to see when it expires, and decide what I need to do. I worry because a protection order is only a piece of paper. It does not have the ability to keep us safe from harm. Also, a protection order is only effective if it is against a person who obeys the law. John does not obey the law frequently.
I need to rest. I have to get up again soon to clean the house before Deion comes over.
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