Wednesday, September 9, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 111

      Today's prompt is "How many times did you curse today?" Less than 5 times. 

     It is now 4:07 a.m. here. I was having trouble staying asleep. I don't really know why. 

     Yesterday I had a brain-fucked day. Right before I laid down at 7:00 a.m., after writing my blog, I found out that my half-sister, Sherri, blocked me on Facebook. I have not spoken to Sherri in months. It was confusing. Why did she feel the need to block me? It was upsetting because I do not have her contact information, and Facebook was the only way we communicated. She has two little boys, my nephews. Now I will not be able to watch them grow up. Now I will not be able to call and check on them. Now she will not be able to watch Caleb grow up. Now she will not be able to call and check on us.

     From what my mom says, she did not like "all the negative posts", which I am assuming she is referring to the Trump-hate posts. Well, if that's the case, maybe she should have just "snoozed" my posts for 30 days, not blocked me from her life completely, but hey, what do I know, right? 

     I couldn't stop obsessing all morning, until I had my Mindfulness Yoga class with the VA for Disabled Women Veterans. I was irritable to say the least. After yoga, I had lunch and went to take a nap. I rested for hours, starting with the use of my alpha-stim. 

     If she was able to make a cold-hearted decision like that against us, I should just make my peace with it, and walk away. Obviously, it's not worth fighting for. 

     Caleb made dinner for us last night. I took my medications, and gave Bella her treatments. She is clear of diarrhea! I'm so happy about that. So that was my day, pretty unproductive, but I had a mental battle in my head for most of the day. 

     I hurt myself doing gentle yoga. I was doing a hip opening exercise and felt burning. I paused for a few seconds, but continued when the burning subsided. I thought it was just temporary, but the burning continued long after the yoga was over. I had a lot of popping and cracking sounds during yoga. I really don't move as much as I need to. I need to stretch more often. My neck was particularly bad. 

     At one point, I was going to become a VA claims agent with the DAV. They require training for a year. I wanted to help other veterans with their claims. When I realized that I would not be able to drive to Wilmington as often as necessary, I thought I would study the regulations by myself and take the test and work for myself. I bought the regulation manuals. I got sidetracked with my dad and Sharon living here. They both had health problems. I was working on my dad's VA claim. He had a few hundred pages of medical records that I needed to sort through and determine what could be done. I began working on it, but it was tedious. It was hard to get work that took more than a few minutes done because I was constantly being interrupted by one person or another. I think I was able to sort through more than 100 pages. I was looking for clues to help with his claim. He was forced to move out before I was able to complete what I was doing. 

     I was working to get him either 100% rated directly, or by unemployability. Either way would open up dental services at the VA, which he desperately needed. He has more diagnoses than I do. He was an Airborne soldier and had more injuries on the job. He also served longer than I did. 

     He could really use the increase in income, as it is substantial compared to what he is currently getting. He would be able to afford appropriate housing for his needs. I care about my dad...still. I wish I could have gone through all the documents for him. He has lost most of his vision in one eye, and is slowly losing vision in the other eye due to diabetes complications. He can not read the small print.

     I did help him through the Social Security Disability application and process. He did not have enough work credits to be approved. 

     I was trying to get funds for Sharon by applying for the caretakers' payment. She never answered the calls from the VA, so the process was halted, and the application closed. I applied more than once, and she never answered the damn phone or returned the call to VA. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

     My dad turns 61 this year. He will be able to get Social Security Retirement payments in a few years. Sharon is already getting Social Security Retirement payments. I was monitoring the budget when they lived with us. I was trying to get them out of debt. Every time I saved money in their accounts, they had some reason to spend what I spent months saving. It was really frustrating. 

     I tried to get their wardrobes in order so that they both had clothes to wear that fit and did not have stains or holes in them. 

     I tried to encourage healthy eating, and not eating fast food. I tried to encourage my dad to stay away from foods with sugar in them. When I was not allowed to drive because I had a seizure, my dad drove us everywhere we needed to go. When I was able to drive us again, I drove us everywhere. I tried to visit Mathew and family as much as possible while he was stationed at Ft. Bragg. I drove us to Ft. Gordon to see Mathew and family. 

     Despite us living so close to the beach, I don't think we ever went. I was more tired when my dad and Sharon were here. I don't think I got my CPAP until about 3 years ago. I was sleeping on the couch and the tv was on all day and all night. There was never a quiet time. My dad would stay awake all night, and web browse and/or talk on the phone at the dinner table, across the room from where I was trying to sleep. Lights were always on.  

     My dad and Sharon would sleep all day. I would sleep too. I never felt rested. 

     When Caleb and I got the house back to ourselves, I had no other choice than to focus on myself more. I started using my computer for more than paying the bills twice a month. I started keeping journals and records of things that I think are important to note. I have my own workspace that is not cluttered with my dad's junk. I have my own room, and my own special needs bed. I have a half-bathroom to myself. I have fewer people to clean up after, that's for sure. I don't have to raise the the thermostat because people are cold, leaving me to sweat all day and all night. I don't have to buy name brand or organic foods. I don't have to argue or listen to arguing every day. It's so much more peaceful around here. 

     We had plans to buy a house in South Carolina because veterans do not pay property taxes there. My dad, Sharon, Caleb, Bella , and I were all going to move and live the rest of their lives together. It made me very anxious to think abut moving, but it could have saved us a lot of money. I still think about moving. I don't want to start over with the VA anytime soon, so I won't be moving far, if I do move. When you appreciate your medical team, you don't leave them. I get the care I need when I need it from my VA clinic, usually. That is not guaranteed every where I go. I am not treated badly. I am not talked down to. I am not treated less than because I am a woman. I read of a lot of abuses happening at VA clinics across the country. I don't want to fall into that. 

     I guess I do require quiet time. I require to time alone. I require time to sleep in peace. I require time to meditate and let go of things that are not in my control. I can't be in a house where others are sleeping all day and awake all night. Unfortunately, I have not been able to sleep through the night, and I think they may be the initial cause. I am awake most of the day though, and I go to sleep early at night. I have much more productive days now. 

     I could not leave Caleb with Sharon by themselves for long because she would get mean with him due to his behavior problems. She believed she could parent out the behavior issues. She didn't succeed with Mathew! Lord knows he was more than a challenge growing up, and she was around since we were in middle school. She didn't impact him in a positive way. Hell, she has been with my dad for more than 20 years, and hasn't succeeded in changing him! WTF? ADHD and ODD can not be beaten out of a child. It's a difference in brain function, not a result of bad parenting. Both my dad and Sharon believe I am a bad parent according to what they were yelling as the police watched them remove their belongings from my house. 

     The Police escorted them away from my house due to a claim made to the Child Protection Services about my dad's behavior against Caleb. So, who's the bad parent? 

     I am doing the best I can with Caleb. He is developmentally delayed. I must have patience... Lots of patience. It is much easier to love Caleb without the haters around. Christinia was no different. She thought I was a bad parent too. She hated Caleb. She did not see the faults of her own parenting. She only saw what she believed to be the faults in mine. She has practically abandoned her first child, and can't deal with her second child. I think that pretty much defines our differences. I have never abandoned Caleb. When he was in foster care, I paid child support and brought him things he needed to our visitation appointments. She is more than $30,000 behind in child support for her first child. So I am getting over what she said to me in hate.

     It is the anniversary of the time my dad and Sharon were forced to move out, and Christinia had just moved in with her daughter. I had to get a domestic violence lawyer and go to court to settle the protection order. John said he wouldn't sign the protection order unless he got his SUV from my yard first. He said he didn't care about either of us, just the SUV. He was given 30 days to pick up his belongings, with the sheriff or police escort on the property. He never came to pick up his stuff. He tried to arrange to pick up his SUV after the 30 day period, but it had already been towed away to the junk yard. The SUV was titled in my name, and the registration had expired. I was not going to get into trouble for him. I was not going to try to re-register the vehicle, as it was not even driveable. Vehicles in NC have to be inspected yearly before re-registration. Besides, I was not going to pay the fees on something that was not mine. It was an eye sore in the yard. 

     It's been a year and I still have some of John and Sharon's junk on my porch. It's not like I don't see that shit everyday. We have been slowly throwing away the garbage with the weekly trash. We have made a lot of progress, but now I have my old furniture on the porch too. If it's not one thing, it's another.

     I'm trying to keep my head up. I guarantee that these people are not thinking about me or Caleb at all. I have had to get over my fears of having seizures. I just try to avoid situations that might cause them or leave me in a dangerous situation. I got diagnosed with diabetes the winter of 2018. I have been trying to lower my A1C ever since. I got diagnosed with high blood pressure the Spring of 2019. I have been trying to control that ever since. I'm really trying to get my health back. It's a work in progress. I have gained so much weight in the past 7 years. It might take another 7 years to lose it all. 

     It all starts with becoming more mindful, and not being on auto-pilot so often. I was on auto-pilot as a means of survival for years. It's not an easy change to make. The more mindful I become, the more I can make choices and decide to change. 

     I have had to not only let my guard down, but build my walls up also. I am sensitive to some things and not so sensitive to others. I have had to learn to engage in my own life, and not simply survive it. I have taken a psychological beating these past years. It's been one chaotic event after another. It's a miracle I've managed to make as much progress through it all as I have. I am in different stages of healing from a number of things that have happened. I am lucky to have kept the same therapist and psychiatrist over these 7 years. It has helped me a lot to have that kind of security in who I am working with on my issues. Not only that, but both providers are also women.  

     It's been difficult at times because parenting Caleb has taken so much of my life force. I've been exhausted with all the issues we have had to face together. I am just now recovering. I started recovering when Christinia and Harlee moved out and she tried to break me down. You aren't going to break me down. I am the cockroach of the de Mello family. I will survive it and prosper. 

     I really appreciate the support I've gotten from Nichole, Aunt Lisa, Rachel, and to a much lesser extent, my mom. Nichole has been there for me when I felt out of control or losing my cool. She was also there for me when Caleb was in the mental hospital. They all helped me separate myself from the madness that was John  and Sharon. 

     Nichole may not be aware of it, but she helped me regulate my daily routine. I looked forward to her call every day. She was a big part in my mental health recovery. She made it easier to laugh. Once I found my laughter, it became easier to take on the big problems I have been facing without so much negativity from my own thinking. 

     None of them disowned me when I felt alone in the world. If I could have seen how helpful they could all be, I would have reached out much sooner. None of them disowned me when I told them I was in a relationship with Christinia. Now, we never did more than hug and kiss on the lips, but still. I was not previously identifying myself as other than straight. They never treated me differently because of it. I do not know how they feel about LGBTQ+ people, but I did not lose my place in their lives because of it. To be honest, I thought I would lose a great many people in my life. 

     Nichole was there to listen to every little detail of what was going on in my daily life. I don't know if she was aware of how dependent I had become on her being around for me to communicate with. Apparently, I can not go the day without reaching out to another adult, especially now that we are stuck at home. 

     Now that she is not in my daily life, I have moved on to communicating with other people. The need is still there. I prefer staying in touch with Nichole over others, because I like to know what's going on with my brother and their kids, and of course Nichole, herself. I miss being in the Army a lot. I have no chance of ever going back. Mathew is living a similar Army life to what I would have lived if my plans for my future had come true.  

     When I was in Korea, I had plans to apply either to go to nursing school or do what I needed to become a Logistics Warrant Officer. I had applications for both in my work files I created. The Army would have paid for my school and housing while I was still in the Army, and I could have come back to duty as an Officer and Nurse, generally debt-free, and still earning a paycheck the whole time at school. I loved my job as a Unit Supply Specialist and wanted to learn more about the field of Logistics. I met a female Warrant Officer in Logistics and she was very motivational towards me pursuing my goals. Between her and the XO, I was hopeful that there were more influential and motivational people in the Army. 

     I was really good at my MOS, not so good at soldiering. I thought maybe I could work for the Army as a civilian too. I was trying to find my way around and figure out where my place was. I was not aware of the term "toxic leadership" at the time, but that is definitely what I was suffering from. I mean I had not been in front of my NCOIC for a minute when he asked "This is my soldier?" with distaste. Not one full day had gone by before he tried to have sex with me. He was married with children. I was unhappily married, waiting to settle in my unit, and find a lawyer to divorce. I was an E-2, he was an  E-6. I was at my first duty station, in a foreign country for the first time... So fucked up.   

     I worked with that asshole for more than a year. I should have reported him, but I didn't know any better. Before I left Korea, I did go to IG. I wasn't mentally prepared for all the work that was required to file a claim. I felt hopeless. No one could help me. The real reason I decided that being a soldier wasn't worth the fight, was because of the people who were in power over me abusing me. That's why I came up with the excuse that I didn't have a family care plan. I had to think in advance because I needed to be discharged honorably in order to be eligible for benefits. Ugh. 

     Every single day was unnecessarily stressful because I had to work with people who apparently didn't like me. I had a baby to protect. I wasn't going to allow anyone to keep me from my baby. My baby meant more to me than working in that environment for 20 years that's for damn sure. 

     I wanted to do something I could be proud of. I wanted to be a good example to my son. 

     It's 7:06 a.m. here now. I better go to bed. 


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