Today's prompt is "Write down a problem you solved today." I am working on solving Bella's new diarrhea.
It is now 1:28 a.m. here. I am awake because I got too warm, started itching under my compression socks, and had to use the bathroom. Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I did , however, spend some time cuddling with Bella. Usually she lays beside me on my bed. I got up to do something and returned. I looked at her laying there, and decided to wrap my arms around her, and lay my head on her back. I now smell like corn chips. Bella smells like corn chips. Anyway, I cuddled with her for at least 30 minutes. It was very loving, calm, and peaceful. It was restoring to both of us.
I was thinking about how I am grateful for having Caleb at home with me. Does he get on my nerves? Sometimes. Does he cause me to worry? Yes. But what if I didn't have him to focus on right now? I can only imagine my mental health declining. My worries are less with him at home, than with him going to school in person or even distance learning for that matter.
I'm driving myself crazy trying to keep this house clean. Maybe I should give up. Maybe I should just accept that I can't keep it clean.
I was trying to not spend any money this weekend, but I went to buy bread and gatorade today. I am trying to stretch every penny I have. I am trying to get out of this loop that causes me to re-use the credit available on my credit cards.
I am taking things much slower than I forecasted. I thought I would have done a lot more by now, as far as house cleaning is concerned. I have so much laundry building up. I can't seem to get it together.
My pelvis and my legs were hurting tonight. There's no reason whatsoever for them to be hurting.
Bella's ears are looking better, but now her upper lip is red. I don't know why. It's like she drank red kool-aid and has a mustache.
Yeah, Bella has diarrhea now. I think the allergy chew has something to do with that because she is not otherwise eating anything she has not had before.
Today is the last day of the weekend. The weekend was too short for me. I need to find a way to recharge. I did enjoy Caleb's selection of music in the car today. He was playing A Perfect Circle. It's one of my favorite music groups. I sang some of the songs on the way home... loud and with heart.
Caleb and I have been winding down together at night lately. He will hang out on my bed with me for awhile until his medication sets in. He likes to have his back scratched and rubbed. Sometimes we even use fragrant lotion. He has wanted to play Truth or Dare the past few days. I always choose Truth and he always chooses Dare.
Bella just came out to hang out with me from the bedroom. She normally stays in bed, but she is laying down by my feet now.
Sponge Bob is on the tv. Caleb is sleeping on the couch tonight.
I haven't been able to watch movies lately because of the motion on the screen. I start feeling like car sick almost. I have to close my eyes. Caleb likes me to watch movies with him, but I haven't been able to. I can listen, but I can't watch tv.
I'm trying to minimize my time on my phone too. I spend a lot of time reading stuff on Facebook, and the scrolling is really messing with my head. It makes me nauseous.
I need to accept my limitations. I don't want to, but I need to. I keep trying to work and live as normally as possible. I want my life back. I want to be able to do things that I use to do easily. I fall short every day. I am doing better than I was some months ago. Maybe if I don't give up, I can do better in a few more months? Or maybe I should just accept that this is the best I can do and stop trying to force myself to do more.
I am walking around with more ease than I was when I first started wearing these insoles and the lift. My lower back hasn't been hurting like it was this time last year. Last year, I needed to apply ointment for the pain everyday. I don't need to do that on a normal day anymore. Last year I needed a lot more sleep during the day, and didn't sleep well at night. Last year I also slept on the couch and my dad would make noise as he would call people at 2 in the morning while sitting at the dinner table like I wasn't in the same room trying to sleep. Last year I ate a lot more fast food as I was on the road a lot. Last year I couldn't get my own space and peace. I was constantly surrounded at home. Now I have my bedroom back, and if I want to separate myself from others in the house, I go there. Last year I was not functioning as well as I am now. Last year I was also dealing with the removal of my dad and Sharon, and Christinia and Harlee moving in. Last year I was in more than one abusive relationship. This year I have managed to live alone with Caleb and Bella. It was a scary transition. What if something happens to me? It has happened before. It could happen again.
I wanted to do more for the world. I have to accept that the best thing I can do right now is raise Caleb and keep Bella as my fur baby. I was on track to become a Peer Support Specialist. I wanted to work for the VA. In North Carolina you have be certified before you can work. So I was getting my certification. It will never happen now. I completed the first certificate program and was on track to complete the second certificate program when Christinia left and I no longer had someone to watch Caleb while I was on my way home (when he came home from school).
I feel like I have something to prove to someone. I don't have anything to prove. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a hard working individual. That's one thing that I have always been, and will always be. I may not be a superhero like I want to be, but I am the best version of me I can be right at this moment.
I don't know why people assume that people on disability are taking advantage of the system in a negative way. I'm not going to fight that battle with people anymore. I value my time more than that.
I shouldn't feel like I have to prove I'm disabled to anyone. If I say I am a disabled veteran, you should take me for my word. If you don't believe me, that's not my problem.
When I have good days, I celebrate them because they are few and far between. When I get tasks accomplished, I celebrate that, because it typically causes me pain to do the tasks. I have a lot of health problems that contribute to my lack of functionality on a daily basis. I can plan to do all these things, and only get one thing done because I couldn't do more. It's not laziness, and I won't stand by and allow someone to call me lazy.
I have things repeating in my head that I need to get done, and then I forget what I am supposed to be doing. I have brain fog on top of everything else.
I'm dealing with my own issues, and trying to be a mother alone. If that's not worthy of praise, I don't know what is. I've been doing the hardest job in the world, by myself, for almost 12 years- being a mother. To top it all off, my son is neuro-atypical. He has been delayed in brain functioning since he was an infant.
I have trouble asking for help. I have been abused in the past, and the effects of those abuses are often seen in my relationships. I tend to isolate myself because I don't want to share what's going on with me. I don't want to be used and abused again. I don't want to expose myself to have it held against me.
Life is short and I don't want to spend mine alone. I long for companionship. I want real friends. I want people to know me and not only accept me, but love me.
I don't want my life to be meaningless. I don't want to die and have no one care.
I want to make a difference.
My world is getting smaller and smaller with every new diagnosis. I can not travel far because I can not drive without the fear of having a seizure while driving. My anxiety doesn't allow me to relax and have fun in social situations. My PTSD keeps me on edge. My depression leads me to think things that are not necessarily true about how people view me.
Then there's COVID-19. If I get the coronavirus, I will most certainly die from complications of it. I am diabetic with high blood pressure and I vape. I am morbidly obese and taking a lot of medications for various reasons.
I isolate my family to avoid this future.
Caleb is different from other kids his age. It is hard for him to make friends. I am different from other people my age. It is hard for me to make friends too. Many times we only have each other.
At least if I die before my time, Caleb will have my blog and all my photos that I have collected over the years to remember me by. He will know that his mom was a warrior!
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