Today's prompt is " Are you hesitating?" I don't think so.
It is now 1:12 a.m. here and I am awake partially because I was too warm, and partially because I just couldn't sleep. I am at a pain level 2 right now. I took a Fibromyalgia herbal supplement with my night time medications, and that really helped with the inflammation. I have been at a pain level 10 for the last 7 days.
Yesterday I stayed in bed for most of the day. I could not escape the pain in my lower back and pelvis. I did get out and walk with Bella to the Veterans' Park though. It was sunny, but not hot, and windy. We both enjoyed the time outside together. I managed to fill the rest of the dishwasher and start it. That is the end of my accomplishments for the day. Not much, I know.
Today I am supposed to weigh in later. I am not looking forward to that as I have had to be in bed almost all week.
The supplement I took is a Fibromyalgia specific supplement made of many herbs to help with pain. I am already taking Fibromyalgia medication (Lyrica), and Naproxen for pain and inflammation, and can not take anything else. Taking supplements is my only avenue of relief that is left. I had this particular one on hand and did not know if it would help me. I wish I would have remembered that I had it sooner. I might have been able to work last week if I had used it sooner.
I wish I knew what was causing the inflammation to begin with. I have no clue. I do not remember doing anything that would have caused it. I have been diagnosed with chronic inflammation, and so I was taking a number of dietary supplements to fight it. I wanted to see changes in my blood labs, but mostly I wanted to feel better. I was taking Alpha-Lipoic Acid, Rosemary, and Curcumin, but recently ran out of them and decided I would not buy them again because I did not have the money. I was also taking Multi-Omega 3-6-9, but I continue to take it as I still have some left. I was hoping I could get away with only taking the Multi-Omega 3-6-9 for inflammation, but apparently I was wrong.
My body remains tense as I suffer. My shoulders keep rising to my ears.
Caleb is awake. Bella stayed in bed. She is my big fur baby. I would carry her everywhere if I could.
After talking to my Aunt Lisa, I requested to see be referred to a rheumatologist for my chronic inflammation. I also requested to seen ASAP for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and Possible Sexually Transmitted Infections. She and I are both concerned about my pain. I want to be tested for autoimmune diseases.
Caleb is trying to force Pumpkin Spice flavored coffee on me, and I don't want it. I am already hot, and I don't want a hot drink. I don't want to taste coffee right now. He doesn't get it.
I have a half gallon of distilled water here that I am drinking along with my Dew. I am thirsty for both. I took an additional Fibromyalgia specific supplement around midnight when I woke up earlier. I had some frosted mini wheats cereal and figured I might sleep better and longer if the supplement did not wear off during my rest.
I don't know why my immune system is acting crazy. I think my body hates me. I could move around more if I weren't in pain all the time.
I want to take Caleb on a hiking trail later today. We will see how I feel and how the weather is first. There are many hiking trails around here, and we haven't been to any of them yet. I have a map showing all of them, I just need to find it.
I am taking Caleb to meet some friends at the park later today too. The idea is get us out of the house more often now that the parks are open again. The beach is open again too. It is cooler outside so I doubt Caleb will be as inclined to get in the water, but he does love the water. He likes to find shells and crabs on the beach too. He tries to catch tiny fish with his hands. He likes to play in the sand as well.
I got very little done last week, and so now am behind even more than I was. I need to start the laundry because I am wearing my last pair of clean compression socks. I have 3 new pairs, but I don't want to open them yet. I only get 6 pairs for the whole year from VA.
I went ahead and re-purchased the anti-inflammatory dietary supplements I was using before, plus some. I spent more than I wanted to, but I am investing in my future health. I had to pay with credit because I did not have enough cash. I am not happy about it, but what choice did I have? I need to be pain-free to get things done. I need healthy energy during the day. I need to feel alive, and not like I'm dying all the time.
I think I am going to try to take more showers as a form of therapy. A hot shower helps to ease the pain in my back, and helps me move my shoulders down. A cold shower helps me release the heat in my body and cool off finally. I need to fix the water handle in the shower but don't understand the instructions. I don't want to break the damn thing more than it already is.
Caleb went back to sleep. Thank God. He is so talkative early in the morning and I can't deal with it. I just need it to be quiet so I can think. He asks so many questions...
I have not put this week's schedule together yet. I need to do that so I know what's coming up.
I can't believe that I take 1,000 mg of Naproxen a day, and that shit wasn't enough to stop the inflammation I was suffering from. What the fuck? I can't believe that I take 400 mg of Lyrica a day and that shit wasn't enough to keep me from suffering from all that pain. What is going on?
Last night my knees were bright red and emitting heat. A few days ago my face was bright red and emitting heat. What is going on inside my body? I wish I could tell.
I can feel the air moving tonight. I am cooler now. I am still warm, but I am not sweating like I was last night.
Can you imagine how I must have felt during the hottest days of the Summer? I was dealing with this same exact thing during heat index days of over 100 degrees. I was fucking miserable. I was sweating and not moving a finger.
I have to wash my comforter. It smells like Bella, who smells like corn chips. LOL For real! I want to buy anew comforter set, but I don't have the money. Right now I am using one of Caleb's Minion comforters because he has extra. I have not slept on a bed in so long, I did not need bedding. Now I need 18 inch deep pocket fitted sheets, because the sheets I have won't stay on the bed. They are not deep pocket sheets. I am sleeping on my weighted blanket since it has a tendency to stay in one place, but that defeats the purpose of having the weighted blanket. I can no longer cover myself with the weighted blanket because otherwise I will be sleeping on some kind of plastic material that the mattress protector is made of.
I can't wait to be able to wear my leggings again! Leggings and sweaters here we come!
I think I might dress myself as a Lane Bryant model to go to that mom's group. I want to a reason to wear my blazer with the sleeves rolled up, and a t-shirt, with a pair of jeans. It looks so good on the models. I am not sure how it will look on me because I am much bigger. My belly is so big, it really takes away from my other curves. I am all belly!
I am waiting for both my travel pay deposit and my diabetic shoes to come in. I am authorized 2 pairs of diabetic shoes a year. I ordered 2 pairs of the same kind of walking shoes that I am currently using. I plan on doing a lot of walking.
I am also waiting on my eye ointment refill.
I have not been taking good care of my teeth, and I know it. I am supposed to rinse with mouth wash at least 3 times a week to fight gingivitis. I have been flossing nearly everyday, but not brushing. SMH I wish I could get my life together again. I use to have everything down, almost perfect. I had a schedule I would maintain everyday, I had my daily routine. I had dinner figured out and it was always either chicken breast or tilapia with a choice of vegetables and beans. It was easy. I took excellent care of myself prior to my hospitalization in 2013. I never got back to "normal". Never did. I am still trying.
I am jealous of my younger self for having the ability to get things right the first time. I am jealous of her ability to keep a high standard of living and enjoy life. I am jealous of her ability to go to school, exercise regularly,. eat healthy, raise a young child, and have fun.
I had to drop out of 2 programs recently because I couldn't handle them along with raising Caleb, and he is 11 now. My standard of living has decreased exponentially because I can not keep Caleb to cleaning up after himself and I can not clean up after him like when he was little. I can not afford to fix things around the house that need repairs. I am struggling to make healthy meals every night. I try to make meals that both Caleb and I will enjoy, but he can be so picky sometimes. When he was little, I would just let him snack when he was hungry after I figured out that's what was going to work for us. He would not like to have meals so he would have baby carrots or crackers or cereal. What can I say? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink!
I really need a hot tub to soak in. That would feel so good right now. Massaging jets for my back, oohh yeah!
It's hard to have fun and enjoy your child's company when you are in pain all the time. When I am in less pain, I have to work! I can not afford to use my energy on fun! I have to do the things that only I can do right now. Caleb is not mature or detail-oriented enough to do many tasks by himself. We should be out in the field playing soccer or throwing the frisbee around with Bella. We should be building sand castles and collecting sea shells. We should be painting masterpieces and crafting hemp jewelry and key chains. We should be playing tennis or basketball. We should be speed walking, as I could never run. We should be roller skating and going on hikes. We should be adventuring and sight seeing. We should be taking photographs and making digital art. I wish I could. I want to.
Caleb would enjoy my company a lot more if I didn't wash the dishes every time I got up. He would like me much more if I didn't worry about the laundry piling up or cleaning the floors.
We use to watch Harry Potter movies at night, but I can't seem to keep my eyes open to watch it anymore. I go right to sleep. I use to rub his back with Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy lotion at night, but I haven't done that in many weeks.
My focus has been on getting the house in order and healing Bella. Then I crashed into pain and fatigue. My fear is that I am going to die without Caleb knowing why I had to do these things. I worry that he does not understand why they are important. I have to take better care of myself. I am the only one I have. There is not another one of me waiting to appear to take my place.
I give off a lot of body heat. I can feel the heat rising off of me. I can feel the cool air hitting me, and not making a difference. It is 60 degrees in my house right now. I am wearing shorts, a t-shirt with short sleeves, my compression socks, and my diabetic shoes. I am not cold at all. I am very warm and I sit directly in the way of the window unit air conditioner blowing cold air. It's miserable.
It is 3:02 a.m. here now. It is quiet and dark. Bella stayed in bed. Caleb is asleep in the living room.
I wonder what's wrong with my brain to have so many problems with my neurological system and immune system. I have had a MRI before. It did not show trauma to my brain. At least I think that was a MRI. I do not remember. It was some sort of imaging machine at the hospital that they used after my seizure.
I'm so grateful that I was able to complete 4 years in the Army. They could have easily kicked me out for so many reasons, but I made it. I earned my full GI bill. I'm so grateful for the leadership I had during training. Thank God for those outstanding soldiers. I am grateful for my first First Sergeant in Korea. She helped me when I didn't know what to do. I am grateful for the second XO, who became the company level commander. I am grateful for the second Unit Commander, who was later titled the battalion commander. There are people who care in the Army. I may not have said much at the time, but my actions spoke louder than words.
I am still learning to speak up. I am just as important as anyone else on this Earth. I am loved by some, unknown by many, and hated by few. It's going to be ok. I am working on getting better every day.
I do not always have the time or energy to fully explain myself or argue. I get tired quickly. I do shut down. I do crash. I am like an old operating system that has not been updated.
I am going to figure a way out of this labyrinth. One day. With the help of my Aunt Lisa it may come sooner than I realize. She is helping me see my blind spots.
I just finished what is going to be my last Dew for the night. I want to go lay down, but at the same time, I don't want to leave the computer.
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