Today's prompt is "Is life fair? Yes? No? Sometimes? Not today?" Life is not fair. Innocent people die everyday. Innocent people get injuries and diseases everyday. Innocent people face hardships everyday. Life is not fair.
It is 2:37 a.m. and I am awake because I got too warm and started itching. Yesterday was a productive day, but I have a confession to make. I have been drinking Diet Mountain Dew nearly all day. As a matter of fact it's the third day in a row that I have done that. I've gone a lot done though, and I didn't require a nap. I worked on the massive amount of laundry Caleb collected in his room. I handwashed dishes and loaded the dishwasher. I directed Caleb to help me in numerous ways, to facilitate cleaning the house. One way was to clear the hallway. Another way was to remove the recycling from my workspace. I had him pick up the dirty laundry in the hallway and move it closer to the laundry room so I could I make sure it all got washed. I got the kitchen cleaned to the point that I cold finally clean off the counter tops, but I didn't make it that far. Caleb wanted a hair cut, so I took him to Great Clips, where we get our hair cut. Then we walked over to Lowe's Foods and looked to see what was on sale. I was looking for shrimp in particular. I really wanted to make jambalaya with shrimp, but I only buy the frozen raw peeled and deveined shrimp when it's on sale. It was on sale! I got lucky.
One of my goals was to get all of Caleb's clothes that I removed from his room when I cleaned it washed and sorted. I am sorting out the clothes that are not his size anymore, too small, to donate to his friend, Gage tomorrow. So I have a deadline. I got the last load of his clothes in the dryer before I went to bed. It needs to be dried one more cycle, and sorted out.
Today we are going to Hayley's birthday party. Hayley is Gage's older sister. Caleb and Gage have known each other since they were in first grade, and boy scouts together. Donna, their adoptive parent and grandmother, rented a huge inflatable water slide! I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow , so the kids can have fun.
I am feeling better about my house. It is still a mess, but it is getting better everyday. Once I donate those clothes, there is no chance of them ending on Caleb's bedroom floor again. I bought 3 12 packs of white crew socks for Caleb recently, at different times. I have only washed maybe 6 pairs. Where did the other 30 pairs disappear to? Did he eat them? They are no where to be found!
Caleb out the carpet cleaner back together again. it appears to be ok, so I do not have to rush out and buy a new one yet. I will wait until next year after I have paid off the window unit air conditioner, if I can.
Bella is begging me for something. I do not know what. I think she wants me to go to bed. I am not ready to do that yet.
I made a loud noise walking through the hallway to get to my computer just now. I knocked into something that was in the way. It woke Caleb up, as he was sleeping on the couch. I just said "That's why you need to clear the hallway." I've been telling him to do that all day. He didn't do a good job. He did a fair job. It could have been way better, but he's in training so...
I made this really good tasting chicken breast in the crock pot today. It had a yellow onion, a green bell pepper, an orange bell pepper, a red bell pepper, and two cans of black beans in it, along with a little olive oil and some sweet chili thai seasoning. Delicious. Never made it before, but I wish I could make it again.
Caleb wanted junk at the grocery store today, but we compromised, and he bought raisins and dark chocolate covered raisins instead. Good choices. No doughnuts.
I listened to Moby for the first in forever while I was cleaning. I first listened to that album when I was in high school.
I didn't have many intrusive thoughts throughout the day. I remained pretty clear headed and focused on the tasks that I wanted to do. I kept in contact with Rachel and Aunt Lisa throughout the day, and that helped me stay positively charged.
PTSD is a bitch with no master.
I didn't use my eye ointment before I went to sleep and now my eyes are bothering me. I haven't been using the mouth spray before bed either. I ran out of the eye ointment I was using and couldn't find the new bottle in the dark. I think the mouth spray fell on the floor and I can't reach it.
I got my second set of 3 pairs of compression socks from the VA today. I also got the clothes I ordered from Lane Bryant. Did I write about that? Yeah, last week, after I said I didn't want to spend any money if I could manage it, I saw a dress on Instagram from Lane Bryant that I wanted. The next day all dresses went on sale for $35. These dresses usually range in the $90 range full price. So I went to the site to check it out. I found the dress and a few shirts that I wanted on clearance. I just wanted to see how much it would cost, so I put the items in the cart. The total was like $80 or something. Yikes! Then I scrolled down to see if I had any Lane Bryant dollars. I did! I had $40 that were set to expire soon! So, you know what? I bit the bullet. I bought what I wanted on the store credit card, and used all my reward dollars. I spent less than $40 total for a dress and 3 nice shirts. Walking the middle path here.
So, today is Sunday. I am not planning on doing much because I imagine the birthday party is going to last for hours and take all my energy. I haven't seen Donna in a very long time. She use to live on the island, and it was easier to stop by. Now she lives in Shallotte, and it's a bit of a drive to get to her house.
I am trying, like I do every week, to get as much trash and recycling out of the house before Caleb has to bring the bins to the road on Sunday night. I don't know how we create so much trash!
I feel better about myself when I am able to stay busy all day, and get things done that I need to get done. My back was hurting and so was my pelvis and my feet at the end of the day. I'm not going to beat myself up about not losing weight before December's check up. I have so much on my plate right now, I don't need something else added. I am trying to manage what I have already in my cycle, in my routine, to add more everyday so that I can manage home schooling Caleb too. I thought I could do everything at once, but I can't be in more than one place at a time. Caleb needs me to sit with him while he is working, or he won't do his work. I have to train him to be more responsible for himself. He is not there yet. I had all theses house cleaning projects that needed to get done. No one could work with all that clutter and filth around. It was driving me nuts. I couldn't take a step without stepping on something that should not have been on the floor. I can see Caleb's floor now. His bed is cleared off so he can sleep on it. His books are on the shelves where they belong. His clothes are put away neatly. It makes a big difference to me. Now, Caleb uses his room more often. He has even slept in his own bed a few times by himself and also with Bella! It's new to us.
I am trying to break this habit that Caleb has on just leaving stuff on the floor. He throws trash on the floor like the house is a giant trash can. I previously could not break the habit because he would sneak into the kitchen at night and get food and make a mess in his room while I was sleeping. I can't stop something from happening while I am asleep. I have to catch him in the act, or at least be able to see that he has work to do. I want him to enjoy clean spaces, and want the house to be clean all the time. It's so much more relaxing when it's not filled with trash and clutter. Besides, I keep telling him he is going to make me fall and really hurt myself and then what?
You know, the point of telling loved ones our diagnoses is to inform them so they can not only be empathetic, but also be aware as to our tendencies so as not to trigger negative responses. I don't just tell people all my business for no damn reason. I expect you to respect me as a whole, and Caleb too. We are not always in control of our reactions and it came be explained by our respective diagnoses. You want to trigger me on purpose? Deal with consequences. Take responsibility for your actions, because I do the best I can to manage my symptoms every day.
When I say I am blogging to help me process things, that's exactly what I mean. I am not bullshitting. It's been 7 years and I am just now asking why Mathew, my brother, sent the police to my apartment and had me taken to a hospital and separated from my preschool aged son without a backup plan. Yeah! 7 fucking years! Why? Because I dealt with so many other things that were prioritized as more important in my survival in all that time. So fuck you if you don't understand.
I am finally in a safe place, and out of harm's way, with the exception of COVID-19 and possible hurricanes.
I don't have time for people who choose to ignore my disabilities when I explicitly state what they are and how they affect me.
I am finding people I like in the pitbull lovers group, and the Biden/Harris voting women's group of NC, and all the women veterans groups that I have been involved in over the years, and the parents of children with special needs and parents of children with ADHD and ODD specifically, on Facebook. They are all my people. We are all going through similar things in our lives, and share our journeys together. They are creating my tribe.
What I choose to talk about is not always reflective of what is going on in my head. I deal with suicidal thoughts, and there is nothing that can be done. I am not going to act on them, but they are certainly there. I have to remind myself the people who would show up to my funeral crying, and missing me. I have to think about the people I do influence on a daily basis, mostly Caleb and Bella. How would they feel if I committed suicide? And do I want them to feel that way? No. I don't want to hurt them. I just want my life to be better. I feel like I miss out on so much because I am disabled, and what my disabilities are. I don't feel like I am living the life I want. I feel impaired.
I am trying to heal the things I can, but it is a process, and takes time. I want to recover from the things I don't really like talking about. I want to have friends who accept me and my limitations. I want to have a social life. I don't want to feel like a burden on people when I text them or call them.
You know, despite a great many things, I do remain optimistic. I'm a generally happy person when I am able to socialize with healthy people.
I want someone to think I am beautiful because of who I am, and not focus on my weight.
I am doing my life's work alone, and without a partner. I may never find a partner. It gets lonely. That's why I depend on others to communicate with daily. I may be physically alone, but I am never alone in spirit.
I lose myself in my work because my work is important to me. I work everyday I can towards raising Caleb and making a better life for us all. It is now 4:11 a.m. here. Bella has long disappeared. Caleb didn't stay up when I accidentally woke him. It is nice and cool out here. I have cooled off quite a bit. I just opened another Dew, so I will probably finish that before going back to bed.
I've got papers piled up in my workspace. I need to sort through them again because I already forgot what I have up here.
I think we've got 3 appointments to go to on Monday. I have to call my optometrist to get another prescription for the eye ointment through the VA, this time with at least 6 months of refills. I have to remind Brittini, Caleb's occupational therapist, to email me his school note from last week. I have to add the food pantry pick up to the calendar. I get paid on Tuesday so I pay bills on Tuesday. I have not conclusively decided what to do with the remaining cash left after I pay bills, but I have a good idea. I have not created the week's calendar yet, so I am not sure what else is happening and/or needs to be worked on.
The holidays are coming up. I will not be with John or Sharon. I will not be with Christinia or Harlee. I will probably not be hearing from Mathew, Nichole , or the kids. I will probably not be hearing from Sherri, Russ, or the kids. I will not be hearing from Eric, his wife, or the baby. I will not be hearing from Fernando or his mistress. I will not be having Travis or Billy over. I will be at home, alone with Caleb and Bella. I will most likely be broke, and ever so grateful for food stamps.
Aunt Lisa and I were talking about how I might be able to travel to visit one day. I do not feel comfortable driving that distance anymore, since I have had seizures. I was thinking that I could board Bella at the pet camp. I could drive to the nearest Amtrak stop, and Caleb and I could ride the train to Philadelphia. Caleb has never ridden a train before, and Philadelphia is one of the biggest train stations I have ever been to. She told me of all the places we could visit while visiting. She told me we could even go to see the Statue of Liberty. I'm 37 years old and have never seen it! I am trying to make a way to be able to save money for adventures like that. I can't go places with no money. That's no fun.
Well, I have finally finished my can of Dew. I am ready to go back to bed. Until next time!
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