Today's prompt is "How do you want to be remembered?" I want to be remembered as a warrior woman who was a disabled veteran and mother, who worked hard and loved harder.
It is now 1:52 a.m. here. I am awake because I got too warm and could not cool off and go back to sleep. Yesterday most of the day was spent on the road. We drove to Wilmington to go to the VA clinic so I could get my free flu shot. We came home for a quick lunch, and went out again to deliver catfish and flour to my friend, Donna. We came home, and I went to rest in bed for about an hour. Caleb made me some chicken nuggets in the microwave so I could take my night time medications. That was my day. I pretty much dedicated the day to Chris Cornell as I not only listened to, but also sang my heart out to Soundgarden, Audioslave, and Chris Cornell's personal album. I hate that he committed suicide. I feel the loss.
Caleb just rode around with me everywhere, quietly sitting in the backseat. He wanted to go for a walk when we came home, but I was tired, and it was getting late. He's almost finished with his antibiotics. I did get him to cut his finger nails yesterday, but not his toe nails. That boy. LOL
I am so thirsty for Dew. I don't know why I need Dew the way I do. Yesterday I drank Dew all the time I was driving. I was tired to begin the day anyway, but I need to drink something while I drive. My water jug is too big to drink from it safely while I drive. Cans of Dew are convenient.
Bella is asleep on my bed, wrapped in her white blanket, nice and warm. Caleb is asleep on the living room floor. It is quiet, other than the air conditioner window unit.
I missed my Aunt Lisa and Rachel yesterday. I did not want to bother Rachel like I normally do, because she wasn't feeling well. I did not want to text or call Aunt Lisa because she is away on vacation and I think she is right to unplug for a few days.
The presidential debate was on, but we missed it. The cable boxes are not working right now, so we can't watch tv. I already voted, and Trump makes me angry, so I wasn't planning on watching the shit show anyway.
Today, I don't know what I am going to do. I know I will spend more than an hour paying bills later this morning. I want to teach Caleb some math, and get caught up on the dishes. I want to unpack my early Christmas present from Santa, my new crockpot. My old crockpot is dying. Caleb asked "Haven't we had that one for a long time anyway?" It made me think. Yes, we have had that crockpot for at least 7 years. I use the crockpot frequently, so it really shattered my night when we came home the other day, and dinner was not ready when we expected. I knew I had to replace it right away. I did not have enough cash on hand, so I had to use my credit card, again. Having a crockpot is a matter of survival in this house. I can not and will not stand at the stove every night to cook.
I found Brazilian cheese bread for sale at Publix the other day and bought some. They are ready to bake. I bet they taste delicious.
It's going to take me forever to get out of debt. I hate this. I work so hard to not spend money, and yet, I have to spend money. Well, I guess you could say that both Caleb and I already got our Christmas presents early. He got pajamas like he wanted, and I got the crockpot like I needed.
I am going to have to give up on this idea of getting the house cleaned any time soon. It seems impossible. I can't do everything, and be everywhere like I need to be , at the same time. I'm trying to do too much. I am over capacity.
I taught Caleb a little about counting change today though. I reminded him that taxes have to be considered when making a purchase too. He was counting change to buy a hot wheels car from Publix.
I had another pain-free day today. It was rainy today and normally I feel it in my bones and joints. I was tired, like I get on rainy days, but I think I would have been tired even if it wasn't raining. I was looking at my schedule, and trying to figure out when the best time to go to Wilmington would be to try to multi-task. Other than getting my flu shot, I have no reason to go there. So, not having anything else that I was going to do, I decided to go yesterday and get it done. I wasn't in the mood to stay home and clean. I told Donna that I would bring her the frozen catfish and the large bag of flour earlier. I almost forgot that I told her I would bring them over, but I remembered. I got them from the Brunswick Family Assistance food drive we went to last month. I tried cooking catfish once, and it didn't taste good to me. I didn't want to throw away good food, so I asked around if someone would take it. I don't use flour at all, so that would have gone to waste too.
Caleb just got up to get some apple juice to drink. I told him "I love you Caleb." and he responded, "I love you too." I do love him. He can really work my nerves sometimes though. I went through a lot of Hell to keep him in my life from day one. I look at his baby photos every once in awhile. They are hanging up on the wall in the common area. I have a photo of the first time I held him, at the hospital where he was born. He was almost 8 pounds, but I still thought he was small. I had never seen a newborn infant before. They all look small to me. I remember spending my off-duty time holding him, and singing to him with him in my arms. I never expected to be a mother at that age. I knew the basics from having spent time babysitting before, but I did not know the details, because I had no time to prepare by reading. I did not have any resources to ask questions to. I was in Korea and in a different time zone, surrounded by people who spoke a different language. I was young, and fully committed to the Army, but once I became a mother, my priorities changed. Looking back, it's hard to believe I survived 4 years of the bullshit I was put through. No civilian will EVER understand what it is like to be in the service as a woman.
No man will EVER know what it is like to be a woman in this day and age. From the unrealistic expectations of beauty, to the expectations of subservience, I have dealt with it all. It's just never enough. I took control back when I stopped giving a flying fuck. I don't care if you like how I look, how I talk, the way I walk... none of it. It was that much easier after the Army. I don't give a damn. I don't care that my legs are hairy! I don't care that I have a beard! I don't care that I have a mustache! I don't care that I look fat to you! I don't care about maintaining the latest fashions! I don't care about makeup! I don't care about getting my nails done! I don't care about waxing my bikini line! I don't care about dying my hair! So, fuck it. I'm not here to make anyone like me.
I have my own standards to maintain, and that's what is important to me. I'm going to do me. I'm going to do what I need to do to be happy.
I hate that this means I'm likely to be alone for the rest of my life, but it is what it is. I don't want to live my life according to a hateful society's standards. That is not what God intended. I don't need anyone to tell me that God intended woman to be subservient to man, because I don't believe that at all. I am more than a man's housekeeper and mother to his children.
I have had my last Dew for the morning. Time to wind down. It is now 2:57 a.m. here.
Women, as a group, have come a long way, but we still have far to go. It won't happen in my lifetime that the world will cherish, honor, and respect women worldwide. Hell, it won't happen in my lifetime in the United States! I can't believe how many women support Trump! I'm like "Are you fucking kidding me?"
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