Today's prompt is " Messy or neat?" I'm an organized mess.
Is it now 3:25 a.m. here. I am too hot to sleep. I have inflammation across my lower half of my body. My lower back and pelvis still hurt. It's more like a 5 than the 10 it was, but it still hurts. Yesterday was a really good day. I woke up at around 10 :45 a.m. Deion was expected to be here at 11 a.m. I did not have time to clean the house. I did not have time to take a shower. I text Deion at 11:15 a.m. to see if he was still coming. He said they would be here closer to 1 p.m. So, I did end up having time to shower. I did not have it in me to clean the house though. My lower back and pelvis hurt too much and I wanted to stay in bed. It was nothing short of a miracle that I took a shower and dressed myself.
Deion and his niece and nephew arrived closer to 2 p.m. I was walking out of the house with Bella as they approached the house. I decided that we could take Bella for a walk, instead of coming inside the house. They were ok with that. We took Bella to the Veterans Park and hung out for a little while. Deion and his family were so happy to see Bella again. It was the best experience I have had in a long time. It was so filled with love for Bella. I reminded Deion to take a few a pictures with Bella. It was such a wholesome experience. I felt like I was with family. When we came home, Bella crashed on the floor. She was pooped. I was tired too. We both went to lay down in the bed for a while. I needed to rest because of my back and pelvis pain. She needed to rest because of all the excitement of the day.
We went out to Walmart for a few things I forgot to get yesterday. I remembered to start the crock pot at noon, so we had dinner ready when we came home. It was a day filled with love and good vibes. Deion and his family were so happy to see Bella again after all this time.
I told stories about Bella and gave updates on her. She was so good on the walk. They were happy to see her happy and healthy. I was happy to hear about Deion's updates. I have not really kept up with him since his first deployment after letting us adopt Bella.
I can not believe how good it felt for all of us to be together. It was a healing day.
We talked about how I still had the video of when Deion and Bella were on the news. We remembered how it was when we first were going through the adoption process and Deion was trying to find a good home for Bella. I asked "What made you choose us?" and he answered about how the first person he gave Bella to was bad to her, and he had to take her back. He had a lot of calls after the spot on the news for pet of the week. I think he just knew from our in person time together with Bella at my house.
I did not spend time thinking about John or the problems from Friday. I spent all my time and energy getting ready for meeting up with Deion and his family. My day was better because I had that to look forward to and plan for. My day was better because I spent time with other people who love Bella just as much as I do.
She is so soft and cuddly. She did not get up from the bed with me. She is still in the bed. Caleb is sleeping on the couch. I am trying to cool off, but my lower back and pelvis still hurt a lot. It is hard to sit here and type. It hurts to sit here.
This is kind of how I remember it feeling in basic training. Except in basic training, every step I took hurt like a mother fucker. It made me cry while I was marching with the company. I did not know my bones were breaking.
I do not have much more to report. My day was pretty simple. I was so relieved to come up with the idea to take Bella for a walk. I was not able to clean the house like I wanted and did not want to bring them into this disaster area. I would have been so embarrassed. I told Deion that I had a bad week of back pain and was unable to clean, and at the same time I have a destructive son with ADHD and ODD, so I would rather not bring them inside. I asked him not to judge me too harshly. I was very sincere and apologetic. I did not want him to feel like he needed to take Bella away.
Bella and I represented well though. I was fresh and clean, although not fashionable. Bella was clean and other than a few irritations from her seasonal allergies showed now signs of illness or abuse. She showed she is definitely well fed here. LOL She has gained some weight. Deion was happy to walk her. He was happy to see that she was still active and strong. He noticed that she does not pull like she use to. I told him it's because Bella and I are out of shape these days. It was not easy to get walks in during the Summer in the heat, so we didn't walk. I also told him that I hope to start walking her everyday now that it is getting cooler. I told him how she brought peace to my house. I told about how she comforted me when I was dealing with depression and in bed a lot. I told him how she did not mind laying down with me all day.
I am wearing my last pair of clean compression socks, so I need to get some laundry washed. I plan on cleaning up later today. I don't like living in a cluttered and dirty house. I wish Caleb felt the same way.
I talked to my cousin-in-law? She is my cousin by my Aunt Lisa's marriage. Her name is Mia. She just turned 21 years old and is going to college. She was visiting our Aunt Lisa. I told her how I first met her when she was a toddler! I was visiting Aunt Lisa and she was having a gathering at her house. Choppy, my Aunt Lisa's dog was there. She was walking around and she said "Helps me, helps me". LOL It was the cutest thing ever. If I had a smart phone at the time, I would have taken photos or video, but I did not. I have not seen her since, until yesterday! She is an adult now, and it is so weird to think that 20 years has passed. I mist be really getting old to day 20 years has passed for any reason!
Aunt Lisa and Mia were celebrating the Jewish high holidays, in particular the Jewish New Year together. I wish I lived closer, because I am sure it was fun and interesting. They made a home made apple pie and were drinking some kind of special Jewish alcoholic drink with honey bourbon. I bet it was good! I saw my Uncle Andy for the first time since 2013 on facetime too! Mariel was there. It was a good feeling to be included. I was already in bed when Aunt Lisa called, and they just wanted to check in for a few minutes. My lower back and pelvis were really hurting. My knees became red and inflamed. My ankles were hot too. My feet were hot. Everything felt like a burning sensation.
I might need to buy those supplements again. I do not remember feeling this way when I was on them. I stopped taking them because I was unsure that they were helping, and it costs a lot of money to keep buying them. I am only taking the multi-omega 3-6-9 right now, and it doesn't seem to be helping by itself. I could be wrong. It could be worse without it. I don't really want to find out. It's a lot easier to buy the supplements than it is to maintain an anti-inflammation diet all the time. Diets are hard to do.
I took a photo of myself in the bathroom to show the t-shirt I was wearing yesterday. I am huge. I don't feel huge. but boy do I really look huge in the photo. My belly takes up so much space. Not that this would be a good thing. but I almost wish it was tumor that could be removed.
I am wearing the shirt that makes me feel like a grandma. It looked so cute on the Lane Bryant model, but don' t feel cute wearing it. It says "Hello Sunshine" and has flowers on it. It is the first time I am wearing a t-shirt this season. It's part of my fall wardrobe. It doesn't get that cold around here, and shirts with sleeves often don't fit me properly because my arms are so big. I do have a few sweaters I can layer with though. I have a few blazers that fit me too. I love layering with a sweater. Often times I am too hot to wear sweaters though, even when it is cold outside, I am burning from the inside because of the inflammation. I thought it was because I am obese, but that is not true. I would tell people that I have more insulation, and stay warmer longer in the cold. It's partly true. The inflammation is what makes me burn though. That's what makes me so hot that I sweat in the cold temperatures outside.
I washed and conditioned my hair in the shower. I did not apply products in it. I'm sure it looks wild. I did not care. I just wanted to be clean and free yesterday. I have been able to put on my own socks by myself. I found that by putting the bed on flat, I can throw my leg up and reach one foot at a time. It's a little easier that way. I'm glad to not have to have help from Caleb every time I need to change socks.
I called my ophthalmologist's office last week to request refills on the eye ointment. I wonder if they sent the prescription to the VA yet.
I bought the icing for the spice cake at Walmart yesterday. We went out because I forgot to get sweetener for Caleb's coffee. We also decided that chicken nuggets are a must have in the freezer, so I bought another huge bag of them.
The house will smell good when I bake that cake. It's too bad no one will be able to witness it.
My left hand is swollen. I do not know why.
I have a few things thawing in the fridge, but I do not know what will be ready to cook for dinner yet. I know I have a lot to do later today. I hope I am feeling up to it. It would be nice to every thing in order and clean the way I want it.
I have joined some new groups on facebook. I joined some groups for homeschooling, coronavirus homeschooling, homeschooling kids with ADHD, homeschooling kids with ODD, math group, another pitbull lovers group, a Brunswick County homeschoolers group... quite a few groups. I am happy about that. I am not alone fighting the good fight trying to homeschool Caleb with ADHD and ODD during the coronavirus.
When Caleb was little I knew I wanted to raise him as a "free-range" kid. I knew I did not want him to grow up like I grew up. I wanted to do better. I wanted him to be free to express himself, to learn new things and ideas, to be a kid. I did not want him to grow up too fast, like I did. I did not want him to be burdened with worries or tasks that I could take care of. I did not want him to be around abuse for sure. I wanted to love him as he is, and not try to change him to fit the world, but let him make his own way in the world. I knew he was different from the average toddler. I knew he needed to be loved for sure, and not made to keep up with others at the "average" rate or pace, but to grow at his own speed. I wanted him to have a happy childhood, if I could manage it. I don't know what he will think me of when he is an adult, but I hope he realizes that I tried to give him the world.
I hope I live long enough to tell him stories about when he was younger. Like how I woke up one night to him setting fire to the carpet in our apartment. Like how he would throw tantrums and fits that made me believe that he was on the Autism spectrum. He was hard to manage. He did not speak much at the time when he should have known many words. I was worried. He did not hold eye contact. He would run away in stores. I actually bought one of those child leashes for him when he got too big to carry around. I could not just hold his hand. He would not let me. He would not let me brush his teeth. He would fight and throw a violent fit. I got tired of him fighting me, and eventually gave up. I got tired of being hit and kicked. I'm sure I could go on if I thought about it some more.
I had him tested as soon as possible for Autism. He did not meet the requirements for a diagnosis. I went to get help. I knew his behavior was not normal for a child his age. He was tested and tested again for a number of things. I did not know what was wrong. He is developmentally delayed. He has ADHD and ODD. He has undiagnosed PTSD. It took forever to get those things figured out. Getting a diagnosis right is only the first step. He has been in therapy for many years now. He was also in speech therapy. He has been seeing a psychiatrist for as long as he has been seeing a therapist. He was maybe 5 when we started him on medications to calm him down and help him sleep through the night. He would wake up in the middle of the night and do things that were dangerous and could have killed us! I couldn't sleep knowing that he might kill us, so I wasn't sleeping well. He wet the bed until he was 8 and half? He did things like pee in his closet. He pooped in the shower for a long time. He wouldn't wipe his butt after pooping until earlier this year. His behavior got more violent as he grew up, and hurt more as he got bigger and the hits and kicks were harder. He has a hard time paying attention to other people. He can go on and on when it is his turn to speak now, but has a hard time focusing when someone else is trying to communicate with him. I had his hearing tested when he was little too, and his eyes.
Now, he is able to talk. Now, he will look people in the eyes. Now, he is medicated and going to therapy. He is also going to occupational therapy. He has graduated speech therapy as of last school year. He has been in intensive-in-home therapy twice. This is his second time in occupational therapy. He is a little easier to handle now that he can communicate more effectively. He is still dealing with anger issues. He is still dealing with PTSD from the abuse from John and Sharon. I am trying to teach him to go chill out in his room when he gets angry to cool off. I am trying to teach him to use his words rather than to fight me. He has been able to decrease the hitting, kicking, punching, and throwing things. He has been able to decrease the destructiveness. He would take things apart and/or break them for no reason. He has created holes in his bedroom walls and the closet door. He drew with permanent marker on the hallway walls and the bedroom doors shortly after we moved in to this house one night while I was asleep.
He use to wake up in the middle of the night to steal sodas and snacks and take them to his room and leave the trash in hiding places. He still wakes up to eat and drink, but does not take them to his room to hide about it anymore.
Last year I dealt with him inhaling duster, and trying to kill himself. He had to be hospitalized.
I have dealt with him stealing my survival gear, and taking things to school and getting into trouble. I have dealt with him playing with gasoline. I have dealt with him spraying from aerosol cans things that he has no idea what they are meant for. He still throws trash on the floor like the floor is a trash can, in the house, and outside in the yard. He leaves crumbs everywhere. He leaves soda cans everywhere. He leaves dirty dishes everywhere. He leaves his dirty clothes everywhere. He throws his clean clothes on the floor, instead of putting them away properly.
All I'm trying to say is that it has not been an easy journey. Caleb needs a lot of assistance, and has needed a lot of help his entire life. Trying to keep us safe has not been easy. I have been on watch for years. Not only do I have PTSD, but I am on high alert because Caleb was/is unpredictable.
Before you try to tell me, just know "spanking" is not the answer.
I love Caleb. He is my only child. There is no one who can take his place in my heart. I don't think he remembers doing half the stuff I listed. One day it will be important for him to hear stories about growing up.
I made it a point to take him on a hike as a little kid. I packed him on my back in a special child back pack and we went together. We were living in Georgia at the time, in the mountains. I found a waterfall and took a photo of us.
I made it a point to take him to the park as many times as I could, anywhere we lived. I took him him to my school to play in the field a few times, so he could run freely. I took him to the beach as many times as possible too. I took him to the aquarium a few times. I took him to the battleship at least once. I took him to the St. Patrick's Day Parade in downtown Wilmington. We went to the Azalea Festival at least once. We have been in several parades together in Southport and Oak Island with the Warrior Ride. I take him to the town Christmas party at the park every year. I have tried to take him to church many times. I took him to Disney World a few years ago. He has been to a couple of zoos. We drove to South Carolina, and from there to Missouri the year we evacuated for Hurricane Florence. I use to take him to the pool to play when we lived at the apartment. I drove him to meet Fernando, my grandma, Aunt Lisa, Uncle Andy, and my cousins in 2013 in New Jersey. I have tried to have a good relationship with John, his grandpa and Sharon, John's partner. I have tried to have a good relationship with my mom, his grandma. I have tried to have relationships with Mathew, Nichole, and Caleb's cousins. I have tried to have relationships with Sherri and her kids. I have tried to have relationships with Eric, and his family. I want to be a part of a big family. Caleb does not know his father or his father's family. He already does not have half a family. I want him to be loved by more people than just me. I find that just because we are blood-related, does not mean that is going to happen.
I can no longer take Caleb to the beach during the Summer season. I might be able to take him now that it is getting cooler. I still like to let him run around at parks. I would like to take him hiking trails, but have not gotten to it yet. Aunt Lisa and I are going to take him sight seeing when I can visit her again. I am so excited about that! Thank God SOMEONE in our family cares about us enough to be a regularly seen and heard person in our lives. You would think I was asking for something hard to do! God bless her and her family.
I am sweating and it says its 60 degrees in here. This is what I was talking about. I can not cool off. I'm burning up.
I have taken Caleb to the Children's Museum. I have taken him to a hibachi Japanese steak house. He has been to a Korean restaurant. He has had birthday parties at the skating rink and at Chuck E. Cheese. He has been to the movie theater. He has been to Washington, D.C. and seen the Lincoln Memorial. He has been to the iMax theater , and multiple museums there.
I want to take him to the Airborne and Special Operations Museum in Fayetteville. I think he would enjoy that a lot. I wish I could take him to an Air Show like I use to go to when we lived in Spring Lake when I was a kid. He would love to be able to walk through the planes and watch them fly. I don't know if they do that any more. I have wanted to take him to Ft. Bragg for the 4th of July to watch the fireworks and hang out with soldiers, but I have social anxiety, and things have changed so much with security since I was a kid.
Caleb has been to Ft. Bragg and to Ft. Gordon so far.
Our next big adventure is to Philadelphia and to New York City. I have to find a way to either make more money or stop spending money and save what I have. Both options are hard to do.
It is now 6:01 a.m. and I have been sitting here for a lot longer than I expected I could.
Halloween is coming up and Caleb wants me to buy him a costume. I don't know about that yet.
I am so hot. I am going to go to bed and raise my feet. My hands are swollen and I am sweating like it's a sauna in here, and it's not.
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