Today's prompt is " What "type" of person are you?" I am a determined person. I may have my flaws and setbacks. I may fall down, but I do eventually get back up and continue walking my path.
It is now 11:27 p.m. here. I woke up to drink my water drink, have a peanut butter cracker snack, and use the bathroom. I figured I was already up, and this would be the first of many times waking up, so I would go ahead and try to write my blog earlier rather than later.
So today was a mixed up day. I woke up many times last night in the early morning. I was restless and could not fall asleep. I finally got up around 6 a.m. and started working on my bills. I went to sleep around 7. My alarm went off at 8 to get up and get ready to go pick up the food from the food pantry. I was so tired and had just fallen asleep. I turned the alarm off and went back to sleep. I got up around 9. Caleb was already up. We headed out to the food pantry right away. We got there too late. They only serve the first 150 cars, and they had that many cars waiting there at 9 when then begin giving food. So we were told to be there by 8:30 the next morning.
We got home and I made us grilled cheese sandwiches. We had our medications. I was super tired, so I went back to bed. My pains came back out of nowhere. My whole body was hurting and throbbing again. My neck, shoulders, back, pelvis. knees, ankles. All of my bones were aching. I stayed in bed until Caleb woke me up around 2. We then went out to pay the water bill and pick up some groceries from Walmart. I bought more than I planned.
We came home and I was so thirsty. I felt dehydrated. I drank the rest of Caleb's Powerade drink. I then made my 84 fluid ounce flavored water drink with ice. I drank a lot of water. Eventually I started to make dinner. I made a variation of my spaghetti, with Soprano sausages instead of ground beef, and extra basil added to the Italian seasoning I use in the sauce. I liked it. It was tasty.
I had trouble getting Caleb to bring the groceries to the kitchen so I could put them away. He brought them in from the car, but dumped them in front of the front door. He knows I need them brought in to the kitchen.
I don't know what causes the pain to come. I didn't wake up in pain. I felt the pain when I laid down again. When I got back up, I wasn't in as much pain. I call these types of bouts, fibromyalgia flare ups. When my whole body aches for no damned reason. It can last for a week or more. It really sucks because it keeps me in bed. There's nothing more I can do about it. I am already taking the medication daily to prevent them. It feels like my bones are inflamed. Sometimes it feels like I'm burning.
Tomorrow we are going to get up early to go to the food pantry and pick up our rations.
I hope I feel better the whole day through. I have a lot of work planned ahead of me. I can't function in a flare up. My mind can only think about the pain I'm in and how much I want to get away from people and rest.
So I got the bills paid. I obsess about paying the bills when I am expecting to get paid. I never want to be late, and I always want to pay the bills before I do anything else. I went ahead and updated my spreadsheet for October. I forecast that I will be in a negative cash state for the first few weeks. I have not decided how to avoid that. I am going to try to save as much cash now, to be able to cover expenses then.
The only things that I need cash for are groceries and gas. Everything else, the regular bills, are budgeted in the spreadsheet. Hopefully I will not have any unexpected expenses. Thankfully, I will get food stamps during that time. I might even be scheduled to pick up more food. I have stocked up some food, but do not know how long it will last. If nothing else, we have ramen, rice, beans, canned tuna, canned chicken breast, and the soups I stocked up for hurricane season. My Aunt Lisa sent me a 20lbs. bag of rice that I have yet to open. It is my safety bag of rice. I know I will not go hungry, as long as I have it. I am not exaggerating when I say that bag of rice removed me from the state of fear of not having enough food. If it weren't for my Aunt Lisa, I would not have had enough food to feed us since January. I do the best I can to budget, but not everything is forecastable.
I am making the final payment on the credit line I took out to pay the movers to move the "Free" furniture on the 17th. That will be one bill paid off. I had to use credit to pay for Bella's care: the anti-itch shampoo, the ear miticide, the 3-way ointment, neosporin, allergy cream, etc. so I will recycle the payment I would normally make to pay for the movers to that credit card to pay those things off. I also used the credit card to pay for my e-cigarette, battery charger, and e-juices. I am not proud that I did not quit, but quitting is harder than I thought. I am an addict. The nicotine level is very low, but I am addicted to the action of vaping. Right now, it helps me stay sane, so I am not going to push it. I tried to quit when I ran out of e-juice again, and did not last 20 minutes before I went to the store to buy e-juice. I know it is bad for me. I know it is expensive. I know I could use the money in a better way, but I can not quit.
I gained weight on my weigh-in on Monday. I ate a lot of food within the 24 hours prior to weighing in, and know that I was literally full of shit. I am now the heaviest I have ever been at more than 327 lbs. I need to change. I do not feel I am eating more than I was. I do not feel that I am beyond repair. I feel that I am doing the best I can do right now. It is impossible to move when I am in pain, without causing more pain. I wish I could smoke weed. I won't smoke weed until it is legal where I live. I would prefer to vape it actually, or eat it.
Emotionally, I am ok. I am not thinking about things that I would rather not think about. I am thinking about the work that needs to get around the house. I am thinking about how to make homeschooling work for us. I am thinking about how to stretch my pennies. I am trying to project where I will be financially in the future, so that I will not give up. I know I am making a difference. It is just taking more time than I expected to pay these credit cards back off.
Caleb just woke up and is a crabby patty. He has earned the name Turdy Dan lately. Dirty Dan is a name from the Sponge Bob cartoon. I just changed it to fit Caleb. He likes farts, so Turdy Dan seemed appropriate.
Bella has been spending her nights with Caleb. I miss her sleeping next to me. I feel like I lost my dog. LOL
I do not miss the way I felt when John and Sharon were here. I do not miss the way I felt when Christinia and Harlee were here. I do not miss the way I felt when Travis or Billy was here. I feel ok that it is just us here. I try really hard to stay in contact with my Aunt Lisa, Rachel, and my mom. They keep me from feeling lonely, and also, whether they know it or not, act as a safeguard for us in watching me.
I realize now that my relationship with my brother, Mathew, was only a superficial one. I do not believe he knows how hurt I really am, and what I deal with on a daily basis. I try to make it clear in my blog, but there are things that I can not put into words, that you would just have to experience yourself. He has kept me at a distance for many years. I had to stay in contact with his wife, Nichole, to get information about him because he would never call me. When I would call him, it was awkward, and it was obvious he did not like being on the phone. I'm just going to let sleeping dogs lie. It's not like he is missing me or anything.
I don't miss Sherri. I am hurt by her actions, but they speak louder than she did.
I never had a good relationship with either Sherri or Eric, so it comes as no surprise that I am not missing Eric.
I am wanting to feel like I am part of a family, but they are not. I have to accept that and move on. I will create my own family. I will have a tribe of people who care for me as I am, not only as I was. They will also care for Caleb and Bella as if they were their own. It will bring me great peace to be loved and to love, to share my time with, and and make memories with.
I am wondering if I should venture into seeing a civilian, non-VA doctor about my pain issues and to be referred to someone who specializes in weight loss. I have been giving it thought lately. I can not really afford to do it right away, but I might be able to afford it next year. I do pay for Medicare. I do not know what is covered by Medicare. I am not really familiar with it. I have had Medicare coverage for years, but only use it when the VA has not made payments on time and the doctors' offices come after me for payment.
I want to talk to my psychiatrist about maybe changing my medications to something that does not cause weight gain. I need to talk to all of my providers who prescribe medications about this. Medications are the leading cause to my weight gain. If I can manage them, I might lose weight naturally.
I remember having a conversation with my neurologist about changing medications. He says there are other medications I can take for seizures, but not many medications to help with fibromyalgia. Also, he says that changing medications, may cause seizures. So fuck that. I wish I could quit taking medications all together. I mean, what would my life look like without all these pills I take?
I ran out of the Alpha-Lipoic Acid supplement, the Curcumin supplement, and the Rosemary supplement I was taking to manage my chronic inflammation. That may be a root cause to the flare up, or it might be a contributing factor. I am still taking the Omega 3-6-9 multi supplement. I have about a month's worth of that I think. It's expensive to try to manage health issues with supplements that may or may not work. I don't have the extra money to continue treatment to see if it makes a difference in my blood labs.
I was seeing a Pain Management Specialist last year. I was on the verge of getting shots in my back for chronic pain. I don't remember why I stopped seeing them. I think my authorization from the VA ran out.
At one point I was in physical therapy for my pain too. That was hard work, but it was worth it.
The Mindfulness Yoga that I take with the VA really helps, but it is only once every 2 weeks. I wish I could remember what to do, so I could do it on my own. I wish she would make a youtube video or something for us to follow at home. I could do it more often.
I have quit practically every program I signed up for in the last month or so. I have given up on being able to do all those things in addition to what I need to be doing at home. It is much more time consuming to keep food in the house and make sure cleaning gets done than I ever imagined. I spend so much time and energy trying to catch up where I have failed to maintain a minimum standard of living. I have so many days where I can't work because of pain, or because of appointments, or even because grocery shopping needs to be done, or bills need to be paid.
The only things I have going for me right now is that I don't have other people living with me who create more work and stress by bitching all the time, and creating more messes to clean up. John, Sharon, and Christinia all hated on Caleb. There was never a time when we could just all get along. There was always a problem with Caleb, and always something to be said about how I was parenting him. Well, let's take a look at how well John did. Well, he would get so violent at us kids that both of us wanted to end our lives at least one point in growing up. He now has no communication with either of us. Sharon, has no communication with any of her 3 kids, so how good of a mom could she have been? She also has no communication with Mathew or me. Christinia does not have custody of her first child and owes more than $30,000 in back child support. Her son (first child) has practically no relationship with her. So, let's put things in perspective. Do I really want to take advice from any of these people? Hell NO!
As it is, John has a warrant for his arrest. Sharon supported him for putting his hands on Caleb, both times! They both believed he deserved to be choked. He was 10 years old, and going in the 5th grade. In what universe, is it ok to choke a child? Am I losing my mind? Am I going crazy? No. They are bat shit crazy. I don't know of any time period during my lifetime, where it was appropriate to choke a child.
Apparently I am a bad mother because I do not support choking children. SO be it.
You know, some people drink beer. I drink Diet Mountain Dew. It helps me think. It clears my brain fog. It helps me stay awake during the day. I was supposed to try to quit drinking so much caffeine, but it is another one of my addictions. I can not quit. I can not afford to sleep all day. I can not afford to have brain fog all the time. Both would be true without Dew. I fight the effects of my diagnoses, and I fight the effects of my medications at one time. I have better days with Dew. It should be prescribed to counteract the symptoms of my problems and the side effects I have to deal with. I wish I could take a sleeping pill to help me sleep through the night, and an awake pill to help me stay awake during the day. This is the next best thing.
Caleb and Bella are sleeping on the couch together. Caleb has one side of the couch, and Bella is at the other side. It's so sweet looking. They are so peaceful when asleep. It is now 1:14 a.m. here.
There are 5 storm systems in the Atlantic basin right now, from what I understand. I am not looking forward to another hurricane. Please let them fizzle out in the ocean somewhere.
You know, I have got to stop being so hard on myself for being different. It's like I want to be different, but at the same time, I want to be like everybody else. I can't have it both ways. I am different, and I should accept that. It's just hard to discuss with other people to get them to comprehend, so we can have relationships. I get tired of the looks. I get tired of people assuming I'm faking because I have all of my limbs. You don't have to be a combat wounded veteran, to be a disabled veteran people. I just want to educate these ignoramouses so I can stop being treated badly by people I don't even care about.
Wounded Warrior Project sent me a neck gaiter so now I can show my support no matter what I size I get to be. It was part of a fundraiser on facebook, and I commented that I am a broke alumni of Wounded Warrior Project and would like one but have no money. They sent me one for free! If that isn't awesome, I don't know what is.
Caleb and I have been experimenting with essential oils in the diffusers lately. He put on the lemongrass in my room for me, and I really like it. He likes to blend his and one of his favorites is peppermint.
Bella has healed up nicely. I have not seen her scratching and her ears are fully healed. Her eyebrows look normal again. She has a little irritation on her upper lip, but I think that is from trying to lick the peanut butter. Her paws looks good too. Some of her poop is white. I had to look that up. I gave her a huge cow knuckle to chew on. Apparently that can cause white poop because of all the calcium being consumed. She loves chewing on that thing though. As long as she is ok, I am ok.
Caleb is having trouble staying at home. He is obsessed with "going for a walk" to the Veterans' Park. I don't mind it usually, but he gets a bad attitude when I tell him he can't go for one reason or another. Usually I like to rest after lunch around 2 p.m. I do not like Caleb to be gone while I am sleeping or while I am showering. He knows that, and still tests me every time. He thinks I won't return Lonnie Jr's bike, but he is wrong. I will not be the one missing the bike when it is gone. It won't hurt my feelings at all to return it.
Caleb gets a bad attitude when I ask him to do everyday chores. I do not know what that is about. They are simple tasks that do not take long if done correctly the first time. For example, Caleb is supposed to take the trash out and put a new trash bag in the trash can. The last time he took the trash out, he neglected to put a trash bag in the trash can. Now there is trash in the trash can, but no bag! So guess what? Caleb is going to have to clean out the trash can after he dumps it out in the trash bin outside.
He can be mean too! He thinks I am lazy because I need naps, and time to rest during the day. I try to explain to him repeatedly that I am disabled and I have to do things differently than other moms. It makes me upset because there is no reason to believe that I am lazy. I work really hard to get things done as I can. When I can't, I can't!
We are having trouble with Caleb taking off without permission. It is an on-going problem. He just leaves, even if I have said no. SMDH This kid. So, the natural consequence to that, is taking away the bike.
Caleb requires so much attention all the time. He wants to be active all the time, and I just can not give him all the attention he wants all the time. I have to focus on what needs to be done to take care of things. There is no one else who can do these things, I must! It's hard. He needs friends to play with. Unfortunately, we are all social distancing because if COVID-19. I wish we could socialize more often. It's times like these that I wish I had more children. I know that sounds crazy, but at a certain age, they can occupy each other's time.
I need to be able to get him a laptop somehow. He needs to be working on Adventure Academy. I do not want him on my computer, as I have so many important things on it. I use my computer to work. I just do not like the idea of him using it.
Caleb got a massive haircut. There was so much hair on the floor after his haircut was done! It's close cut to the skin now. His hair grows so fast, and I really do not have the money to get him frequent hair cuts. He doesn't like to wash his hair anyway. He says the shampoo burns his eyes. I told him, "Well, don't put the shampoo in eyes! It's not eye wash!" Anyway, it's important to keep his hair short for the time being.
I have been trying to get him to cut the claws he has grown out. His nails are so ridiculously long. SMH. I'm going to get them cut today. I have to find the nail clippers.
I am trying to grow my hair out. Things are looking good ever since I cut the orange remnants from my hair from when I dyed it black cherry. It takes my hair longer to grow because it's curly, and because I am waiting for it to grow. At least it's healthy now. Nice and soft, and all one color, more or less. I am getting some white hairs in. I wonder if it is noticeable.
I really want a tattoo. I want the word "Warrior" across my right thigh like a garter belt. I also want a phoenix rising and a woman warrior/hippie/lover/mother.
I need to start walking again. It is getting cooler outside, so I might start walking Bella everyday. She would like that and it would give me a reason to get out of the house for a little while.
Bella has a vet appointment for shots in October. I need to get a printout of the upcoming appointments she is going to need so I can plan how I am going to pay for them.
The holidays are just around the corner. Walmart has already started putting up Christmas trees for sale. All I can think about is how I don't have money to spend. That's not what the holidays are about, but it sure does make it more fun. I like buying presents for people. It's a nice thing that I don't do very often because of my budget constraints.
I still haven't moved the furniture around. I will be glad once it's finally done so I can stop thinking about it.
I still haven't hung our latest family photos up. I did finally send them out to family members. I want to make a net of hemp twine, and hang the photos on the net on the wall by tiny clothes pins, similar to like I have seen others do. I want to make the hemp net by hand.
I need to clean the Mazda out. Badly.
I need to figure out when I will have enough money to move all this unwanted furniture to the dump. It's affecting my mental health.
I don't know what we are doing about Halloween yet.
I can't wait to be able to wear jeans again. It's too damn hot in the summer here to wear jeans. I can't wait to be able to wear shirts with sleeves on them too! They have been waiting in my closet, saying "When are you going to wear me?"
So that's everything , I think. It is now 2:05 a.m. here. I am wide awake, and have had many Dews. I have to sort through some of my paperwork in my workspace before I go back to bed though.
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