Today's prompt is "What famous person would you bring back from the dead to have dinner with?" Albert Einstein or Nikola Tesla.
It is 4:00 a.m. here now. I woke up because I was too warm and under my compression socks itch. Yesterday was pretty slow. Caleb did wake me up at 7:30 in the morning, and I wanted to sleep in. We ran out to get the pill form of an anti-diarrheal for Bella since she would not drink the generic pepto bismol I tried to give her. Later in the day I played some music on the bluetooth speaker in the kitchen, and sang while I washed dishes by hand. It felt good. I was singing an album from Switchfoot that I would sing to Caleb as a newborn, when we were in Korea.
I spent quite a bit of time in bed resting. My body just sunk in to the bed, which is not normal for me. I have a restless body, especially my feet and legs.
It was a peaceful day. It was a dismal day outside though. There was not much sunshine.
I wanted to mop the kitchen floor, but all of our mops have been destroyed somehow. I wanted to move everything around on the kitchen counter tops so I could clean underneath and behind everything. I wanted to spray the kitchen with this essential oil based insecticide after I did these things. I didn't get that far. I took a nap after I spent about an hour washing dishes, and didn't get up until dinner time. So I quickly cleaned the area I was going to use to cut the cabbage, and made dinner instead of finishing cleaning the kitchen like I had planned on doing.
Today I start the disabled women veterans' yoga with the VA online.
I think Caleb and I will go look for weights to continue our science experiment.
We also need to find some kind of way to keep the gatorade bottles together.
I am running out of time to get all the laundry washed. I need to have it done before Saturday when Caleb's friend's birthday party is. Her brother is the one we are giving the extra clothes that no longer fit Caleb to.
I am supposed to go to the birthday party in my swimsuit, but I don't know if I fit my swimsuit. I have not worn a swimsuit all year.
I don't have a lot crossing my mind right now.
I spent some time working on the budget for the next few months. I wanted to try to forecast when I might have extra cash. It's hard to do since I have unexpected expenses all the time. I am not going to have extra cash for the holidays like I hoped. Sucks. Caleb's birthday is New Year's Eve. Christmas is right before that.
I am almost finished with the ejuice I have. My e-cigarette is on the verge of dying. There is no better time to try to quit. I refuse to buy another e-cigarette. Man. I am going to turn all kinds of crazy without that thing! I am going to be irritable as fuck! I am not looking forward to the process of trying to live without vaping.
I think they are planning to send the kids back to public school soon. I wouldn't want Caleb to go to school. If he were to become infected with the coronavirus, it's highly possible that he would end up with life long lung damage. It's also possible that he would pass it on to me and end up killing me. It's not worth it for us. Maybe it is worth the risk to others who believe COVID-19 is fake. People are still fighting about having to wear a mask in public places.
I am trying to figure out why Clorox has not restocked items at stores to clean surfaces. I find it highly suspicious.
My finger is healing. It did not hurt me while I washing dishes today.
So it occurred to me after all this time, that I do not have to measure my food or weigh it out. If I am holding my weight steady, I am eating the amount of calories to sustain this weight. If I want to lose weight, I can make my plates like I do normally, then take a portion away from it. That's how I can cut my calories. I don't need to know how many calories I am eating. It's tedious to count calories. I need to be mindful about eating small plates as a whole. I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with my diet. I eat wholesome home made meals. I just eat too much... usually because it tastes too good to throw away. So, what I can do is take the portion away from my plate and save it for lunch the next day. That way I am not wasting food, which I can not afford to do anyway, and I get to eat lots of tasty meals. Seems so simple!
I would like to start walking on the incline trainer again. Now that I have gotten most of my big projects done, I will have time and energy to put into doing just that. I will need to find some music that makes me want to move, but not go too fast. I thought about looking for marching cadences to listen to.
I use to listen to music during everything I did. I gave that up after I was hospitalized. I never really got my groove back after that. I use to sing all the time. I would dance as I worked out in the gym. I loved music. It was the key to my soul. I have not bought music in many years. I only listen to music in the car while I am driving, and it is usually 98.7 Modern Rock. I like the song "Zen" by X-Ambassadors, the clean version.
I found the Led Zepplin station on Pandora and I like to listen to that too but it doesn't play loud enough in the car for me to hear it well.
I haven't watched a new movie in years either. I don't normally watch tv at all. I use to watch the tv shows House, Criminal Minds, NCIS, Grey's Anatomy, and maybe a few others that I have forgotten.
I have gotten better about making sure I am not over-drinking gatorade zero. I make sure I only drink one to make my Miralax drink, otherwise I am drinking my sugar-free flavored water or Dew.
I have managed to stop feeling so sickly by eating cereal in the morning before I take my medications. The unsweetened vanilla almond milk helps keep the medications from making me feel badly. I have also determined that I have to take the curcumin in the middle of all the pills I take so it does not come back up. I have GERD so... I don't need any reason to cause upset.
I will be able to take Caleb to the beach soon. The weather should be cooling soon, and now the beach has reopened. It was closed because of damages caused by Hurricane Isaias.
I weigh in on Mondays. I regained the 4.6 lbs. I lost the week before. It must be water weight.
I totally ate too much pasta on Saturday. I was beyond full after dinner. It was an emotional response to the day I had. Carbs make me feel better.
I picked a scab that was healing on my left shoulder. It was hardened skin and bothering me. I made it bleed. At least it was only a small portion of the whole healed wound. The scab is protruding now and I want to pick at it so badly. I just can't leave scabs alone.
So the protection order I have against my dad is going to expire soon. It was only for 1 year. I have the option to renew, but I am not going back to court, and besides I would need to be able to give the court an address to serve the order to my dad. I am still paying the credit card I used to pay for the lawyer the last time I went to court.
My dad's birthday is coming up too. It's hard not to think about him. I wonder if Fernando shared his photos with him. I use his name, but he is my grandpa de Mello. It's a way of separating myself from the craziness that he has become.
My 10 year Army ETS date is coming up in November. I can't believe it has been 10 years already. I look at Mathew and envision what I could have been if I could have stayed in service. I could be a well respected senior leader in the Army by now, more than halfway to my retirement. I would be in a hell of a lot better physical shape, that's for damn sure! I wish I could have retired after 20-something years. I wouldn't be feeling like I haven't done anything worthwhile. I only served 4 years. I enlisted a second time before Caleb was born, but I couldn't complete the enlistment because I was struggling to be a single parent in the service overseas. My leadership was toxic. I was losing my mind! I wasn't medicated nearly enough for the depression I was suffering. I felt totally disconnected from the world. I was disconnected from my family at that point. No one wanted anything to do with me because I was pregnant, or because I had a baby. No one offered to help me. I was in Korea struggling by myself. I truly was an Army of One.
According to John (my dad) I should have an abortion. According to Sharon I should give the baby up for adoption. According to Marie (my mom) "You can't bring that baby here!"
Caleb is going to turn 12 this year, and people have really showed me their true colors.
This is the kind of treatment I am against. I drank alcohol one night, had sex, and got pregnant. For years I had live as a whore. I was to be ashamed that I got pregnant. I was to feel guilty for not knowing the father's contact information. I was a SINNER! I was dirty. I was bad. I was filthy. I was used. I was no good. It was my fault.
I did not plan to get pregnant. It was not my choice. I am not even sure if it was my choice to have sex that night!
But what the Fuck is wrong with me, right?
Have sex and you gotta live with the consequences though.
I gave up my career for my son. I immediately chose to return to college and finish my degree. I whole-heartedly projected that I would work for the government as a contractor, working in logistics. I got my business degree in Operations Management and minus one class, Management of Information Systems. I had plans.
I never stopped trying to work. I even went to an interview once. I was over-dressed for the job, and very uncomfortable in the interview. I was afraid that I would be passed over due to the tattoo on my forehead. I tried to cover it up with makeup, but I couldn't make it disappear.
I have to suffer the consequences of my actions when I was not taking in reality. The tattoo has been on my forehead as a constant reminder of what happened since I left the hospital 7 years ago. It has started to fade.
I tried to run my own businesses from home, but they never worked out. They were all ultimately scams of one form or another, that seemed legit in the beginning but as I spent more time diving in to the companies I was partnering with, realized how they were bad.
I don't live in a city. There aren't many jobs I would feel comfortable doing long term around where I live. There aren't any jobs that require my skillset and education around here. I'm fucked.
I refuse to commute an hour one way a day to get to a job that isn't even going to pay me a living wage, and isn't going to allow for my disabilities and all the time I have to take off to go to my appointments, and Caleb's appointments.
I gave everything I have to John, Sharon, Christinia, and Harlee. All my time and energy went to these people. Christinia and Harlee only stayed for some months, but John and Sharon were here for more than a year. All of them were disabled in multiple ways each. At the same time, I was trying to raise Caleb.
John even had a mini stroke and open heart surgery! The shit wasn't easy to deal with.
I mean just the fact that I haven't been able to sleep in my own room for several years ought to give you some kind idea of how I was living. I was not sleeping on a bed at all. I was sleeping on the couch. For YEARS, not a weekend. This only changed over the last couple of months. I am now sleeping in my room, on a bed that is made for people who need help getting up, sleeping with the head up, sleeping with the feet up, and a bubble where the butt is lowered.
I lucked out with buying this old house when I did because I couldn't afford to stay in the apartment where I lived while I was attending college anymore. The rent was increasing by more than $100 a month every year. Now, I look at the rent for the same apartment I may have paid $800/month for, is now between $1200-$1800 a month. That's crazy!
Does living in an older house have its problems? You bet it does, but they are livable. I feel safer in this area too.
I lucked out buying the Mazda too. I needed a vehicle with a trunk that would fit the groceries, and seating for Caleb. We were outgrowing the Volvo. It wasn't new. It was pre-owned, and I wasn't scammed by the dealership either. I bought it for a fair price according to Kelley Blue Book.
I didn't buy Bella. She was given to me for adoption privately with all accessories for free.
I put the fence up in the backyard for her.
I negotiated the prices on all the appliances I had to buy when I moved in to this house. at Lowe's. They were all "open box" purchases. I didn't have enough money to buy them all for the listed prices and asked the salesperson if he could help me buy the fridge (had a small dent in the door), the dishwasher (had several small dents in the door), the washing machine, and the dryer. I told him my situation, and he was happy to make the sales on my terms.
I bought a shed last year to move stuff from what is now the guest room, out of the way.
I gutted the house and replaced the old carpet with new carpeting and padding. I had someone paint the rooms with paints that I bought on clearance. I replaced both the toilets when they stopped working at the same time. I replaced the flooring in my bedroom closet after the carpeting flooded from a water leak. I had the leak repaired, of course. I had the light fixtures replaced in most of the rooms, to make it brighter in this dark ass house. I replaced the incoming water lines to the whole house. I replaced the HVAC unit. Most recently I have replaced parts to the kitchen sink, had the freezer repaired, and had the HVAC unit repaired.
There is always something. I have to replace the flooring in the kitchen, since Sharon created a giant hole in the linoleum. I have to replace the cabinet under the sink in the kitchen because of water damage from when the sink was leaking. The wiring to the window AC unit needs to be professionally done through the house. Right now it is just a temporary fix. The screen to the porch needs to be replaced. The house needs to be repaired on the outside, and painted. I have a long list of things I have on hold because I am constantly broke.
Let's not forget that I have a giant pile of old furniture that can not be donated on my porch. Yeah. I gotta come up with money to have it all hauled away.
It's one thing after another. I am still paying for the movers I had to use to bring the "new" furniture that was "free" to the house. They say the U-Haul is $29.99 but I spent more like $80 for the use of a truck for a few hours, a minimal amount of miles away from the pick up location.
I am really doing the best I can. I can not do any better than this. At least I can not see myself doing better than what I am already doing. Everyday I try. Every day I work towards my goals.
I wish I had the motivation to look nice everyday. I wish I could shower every day. I wish I was attractive everyday. I can't keep up with the standards. I look like a bum most days. As a matter of fact, I told Rachel that I look like an old man with my shorts on and knee high compression socks.
I want to grow my "warrior locks" back out again. I want to look feminine and graceful, but I am work-centered. I am utilitarian. As long as it works, it's ok. That's one reason I take photos of myself in dresses. I wish I could do that everyday, but that's not my reality.
Getting this furniture was probably the best thing that happened to me this year. It prompted me to clean up my house, and once I am able to move all the old furniture out and put things where I want them, it will be truly awesome to just chill out in the living room.
The time is now 6:42 a.m. here. The sun is coming up and it is getting brighter outside. Caleb fell asleep on the couch last night. Bella came out to the living room to sleep on the floor beside the couch just before I got up. The tv was on Sponge Bob, but now it's on sleep mode.
I only have one Dew left in the whole house, I think. I don't know if I should drink it, or wait for later. It's time I go lay down. Caleb will be up before I know it.
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