Friday, September 18, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 120

     Today's prompt is " Who can you make happier? How?" Caleb, by getting healthier. 

     It is now 12:41 a.m. here. I keep waking up, and had to use the bathroom. My whole body was inflamed when I was trying to go to bed last night. My face was burning and bright red. Yesterday morning I was in pain still. I got up to start the day, but had to go lay back down it was so bad. My bed has a zero gravity function which really helps alleviate some pain. It wasn't until after Caleb's appointment that I started feeling better. By then, I was not motivated to work. I tried to get motivated, but with the rain, and Caleb saying he was tired, I just went back to bed to rest. The whole day was wasted in bed. I had plans for yesterday. I wanted to get cleaning done. I needed to have worked all day. 

     My ankles itch so badly right now from where my compression socks have gathered and applied pressure. Oh they itch!

     Caleb took full advantage of me feeling badly and being in pain and went to the park. I had a talk with him today on the way to his appointment. He got angry at first, but I told him he was the one causing it. He did apologize for his behaviors. 

     I was chatting with Rachel and the thought occurred to me, what if I stopped taking the medications that side effects include weight gain? That would be my psych meds, fibromyalgia med, and seizure med. How bad off would I be? Would it make losing weight easier?  Just a thought. I mean I guess I would then have to live with depression and possible psychosis, as well as daily pain and possible seizures. If I have a single seizure, my driving privileges get taken away for 6 months. If I have more than 1 seizure, 12 months. If the seizures continue, I could lose my license. If I am suffering depression with psychosis, I could be admitted to a hospital and lose my son again. If I don't lose weight, though, I am going to continue with the diabetes, high blood pressure, and chronic inflammation. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

     It's a hard decision to make. Diabetes causes other problems and so does high blood pressure and chronic inflammation. I don't know what else to do at this point. I do not feel in control of my health situation. I wish I could get prescribed the hormone that triggers fat burning. 

     I was also chatting with Rachel about how I can either eat 2 grilled cheese and ham sandwiches for a meal or an oversized salad. Which one costs more to make? I make salad with 3 different kinds of leafy lettuces, onion, tomatoes, cucumbers, mushrooms, and salad dressing. I make the sandwiches with 1 slice of muenster cheese, 1 slice of colby jack cheese, and 4 thin slices of black forest ham on 2 slices of fresh baked Italian 5 grain bread with butter each. I can eat the sandwiches and be completely satisfied until the next meal. That's not always the case with the salad. Granted when I make the salad, I can usually get 3 to 4 lunches out of it. It's huge. But how many sandwiches can I get from a package of colby jack, a package of muenster, a package of black forest ham, a loaf of bread, and a tub of butter? I will have to do some math to figure it out for sure. 

     I'm willing to bet the lesser cost is associated with the sandwiches. I was chatting with her about how I don't make the kind of money to be able to afford a "diabetic diet" which is generally sugar free and carbohydrate light or carbohydrate-free. Carbohydrates are generally cheap and filling. They are a poor person's easiest way to get full and still have money. 

     It looks like I would have to do a keto diet to lose weight, but I hate the keto diet. It does not allow for any bread, pasta, rice, or beans, which are cheap sources of calories. I supplement my meat intake with beans in the hopes that I will increase my protein intake and not be hungry all the time. As it is, I not generally hungry all the time, and that is a good thing. 

     I need to decrease my portion sizes, but how do I do that without being hungry? I wish there was something I could do to decrease my stomach size before I started decreasing my portions, instead of after. I do drink a lot of fluids. I am getting back into the habit of drinking about 84 fluid ounces of water. The rest is Gatorade Zero and Dew. 

     I don't feel my medication makes me hungry. I feel my medication and health problems make me suffer pain, keep from sleeping the whole night, fatigue, tiredness, sleepiness, drowsiness, and all over zombie-like. I think my medication definitely contributes to my lack of movement. I think it somehow, also, keeps me from burning calories off naturally. I don't know the mechanisms for it, but I know they are retaining fat in my body. 

     I wanted to take Bella for a walk yesterday, but it was raining again. 

     On of the reasons I got the incline trainer was so that my exercise would not be weather-dependent. Also, because I tried to go to the local rec center to use the facilities and felt very uncomfortable trying to get into my zone. The machines were tightly packed and almost all of them in use. I felt too big to be there. I was surrounded by senior citizens who were leisurely exercising. I have to put myself in warrior-mode to exercise, to move this body. I need to zone in to what I am doing and zone out of my surroundings. It made it hard being that close to others. I use to go to Planet Fitness at one time, in Wilmington. I went early in the morning when there were not many people around. I felt better able to concentrate and less self-conscious. When I was really working out, I was using the gym at the apartment complex. It was just a small room with a few machines. I was usually the only one in there when I went. That was the best. I tried to recreate that situation at home, because otherwise I would have to drive to where ever I chose to exercise. That decreases my will power to go. 

     You know there was a small window of time when I was a PT stud? It's hard to believe, but I was young once. I mean, I did qualify for Airborne training ... twice! Even with my stress fractures. So Fuck Trump! My shit was real and in my hips and femurs. 

     My beard has grown back again. My eyebrows need shaping. I'm sure my mustache is showing again too. My hair is looking whack. I had a neck gaiter on my head today to cover it, because I just didn't have it in me to do it today. I haven't shaved my legs in years. I'm fine with it. 

     I'm trying to get Caleb to understand what's important: family first, catching up in school, and maintaining the house. It's a learning process, but I think I got through to him yesterday. He wastes so much time because he "doesn't want to" and "you can't make me." We could be working together. That is the goal, for me to not be doing all the work by myself. He is to take responsibility for helping. 

     Caleb woke me up early yesterday morning because he thought we had to go pick up food again. I told him, we only do that once a month. He made us grits for breakfast, and orange juice. The orange juice was the best I have ever tasted. It was unsweetened 100% orange juice from the USDA emergency food pickup we went to. I love orange juice, but don't drink juices anymore because of their sugar content. He also made a mess in the kitchen that he did not clean up. 

     Bella started scratching again, so I started her back on the benadryl. I know what it's like to itch. You just gotta scratch. Poor baby. She is sleeping in my bed tonight. I miss her so much. I sleep better when she is near me. I wake up in the middle of the night and pet her to go back to sleep. She is so soft. She doesn't mind that I wake her when I touch her. She doesn't mind at all. She's a good girl. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. 

     You know it's 60 degrees in here, and I don't feel it at all. I'm warm. I'm emitting heat like the sun. Just radiating heat. I'm in my shorts and tank tunic top. I should feel the cold, but I don't. 

     My scab on my left shoulder is finally completely healed. It took what seems like forever. 

     I'm glad I didn't get guilt tripped by Caleb's occupational therapist about our lack of progress in home schooling. I get enough of that from other sources. She even witnessed my absentee ballot for me. So I will be mailing that out later today.

     Today is Friday, and there is much work to be done. I need Caleb to clean up all his messes in the living room, and help me clean up the hallway and the bathroom before Saturday arrives. 

     Saturday, Bella's previous parent and his niece are going to come over and visit Bella. I want things to be almost perfect before they come over. It's not everyday that Deion is around. He has moved out of state since he has given us Bella. I don't know where he lives now, but he is just coming to visit his his family in Wilmington for a short while. He is a National Guardsman, and I feel like I am supporting the troops by caring for our fur baby. 

     I did not read my kindle today while I was waiting for Caleb's appointment. I spent my time on facebook, reading posts. Oh well, there's always next week. 

     My eyelashes itch. I end up pulling them out. It's no wonder I can't have full lashes. 

     I heard that Fernando is getting married to his mistress of some untold number of years. They are going to be moving back to Brazil in October. I will likely never see him again. He only met Caleb once, in 2013. I have not seen him since then. 

     My grandma de Mello's death date is approaching. She passed away last year. At first thought, I thought she was the only relative I had who had passed away, but that is not true. My great grandpa de Mello passed some years ago at 94 years old I think. My great tia Marley passed away some years ago too of some sort of blood cancer. Also John's cousin, Antonio Carlos, passed away due to lung cancer. 

     I was telling Rachel that on the inside, I am 37, but my body is easily 94. I feel like my life is gone due to bad health and chronic pain and fatigue. I told her I should easily be on my way to living the "40 is the new 20" life. If I could only get back into shape, I'm sure I would feel loads better. 

     I am planning on going to a church group at Generations Church soon. I will be joining the moms' group. Should be good. I will get to meet other ladies who live in the area. It will give me a chance to socialize a little bit. There is childcare available at this particular group, so I can bring Caleb with no worries. I have been trying to join a group since early this year. The church is so big, and there is no other way to meet people. I like the music there, but have never heard the songs before. I like the sermons there, but leave feeling like I am missing something. There is not yet a connection between me and the church family because I do not know anyone yet. It's a non-denominational church and suits me better than the United Methodist church. I don't belong where there are routines and practices that are not reflective of the message Jesus was sending. Drinking juice and eating bread does not bring you closer to Jesus. I don't feel it. 

     When will this pandemic be over? Everyone is tired of it. People are still dying from it. 

     We might have more hurricanes approaching North Carolina. I'm not looking forward to that. 

     I haven't talked to my Aunt Lisa in what seems like a long time, but in reality has only been a few days. She gets so busy. I use to be busy too. 

     It is now 2:34 a.m. here and Bella never got up from bed. Caleb woke up to get a drink, but went right back to bed. He suggested that I ask my doctor for clonidine, which is his night time medication, so that I don't wake up in the middle of the night, and can sleep. Without clonidine, Caleb stays awake for several days and nights without sleep. He has been on clonidine since he was a little boy to help him stay asleep at night. It works well for him. 

     I wish I could rely on my parents. John has lost his ever-loving mind, and I probably will never speak to him again. My mom continues to run the rat race of employment to be able to pay her own bills. She lives too far away to be able to help me with Caleb anyway. I hardly ever see her in person. I can't really drive to her anymore. When she wanted to come visit, I was still dealing with the clean up post furniture move in, and it was bad timing because the island was still recovering from Isaias. 

     I don't know but a few people around here. It's not easy to meet people since the outbreak. 

     I don't have relationships with much of my mom's family as I was disconnected from them from a young age. They had no part in my life for much of it, and I don't want to re-establish connections at this point in time. I don't know them, and they are strangers to me. 

     I am tired of trying to forge relationships with people who never give a thought about me just because we are related. I am tired of excusing abusive people for their toxicity just because I don't want to be alone. I am alone. I might be alone for the rest of my life. It's something I need to come to terms with. I tried to create the possibility of moving in with family after Caleb moves out so that I will not deteriorate. The answer was unkindly no. I should have taken that as a hint, but I didn't read too much into it at the time.

     I should have taken many hints from Nichole over this past year. I mean she watched me overheat on facetime when we had no air conditioning during the hottest days of the summer and the internal house temperature was reading 100 degrees, and yet she did nothing. Nothing. Not one thing to help. So, clearly me dying of a heat stroke is not a problem to her.  Ok. Roger that. Moving on. 

     The thing is, I don't talk like I write. I am not as verbal as you might assume by reading my blog. I am learning now to speak up more often, but it does not come naturally. I am naturally a product of an abusive home. My last abuser has only been gone since mid-January. It has not been that long for me to magically become this awesome person with no side effects. I might be awesome, but there are definitely side effects of the relationships I have had. 

     Caleb is still recovering from those terrible people living here too. It's going to take some time to undo the damages they caused. I have to learn to heal myself before I can help Caleb heal himself. The stronger I become, the stronger we become, and the stronger he can become. Bella is great at showing unconditional love to us both. We need more of that. 

       I have a therapy appointment online in the morning. I wonder what I will talk about. Keeping this journal has helped me get through some things. It will continue to be helpful when I no longer go to therapy. VA has set limits on how long veterans can go to therapy. We are supposed to learn skills to handle life on our own and move on apparently. It doesn't work that way when you are me. I can't undo my past, or overcome it, and I can't cure my mental illnesses. I will never be able to just live without therapy. They need to hire more therapists and stop trying to be cheap about things. 

     Bella just came out of the room and was asking me to go outside. She hardly ever makes noise, so she's learning to be more vocal too. She earned herself a cookie!

     I still have the marks from my liposuction I had when I was in Korea. I was just thinking about my physical scars. I had four holes on my front torso and four holes on my back torso. All that work for only about 10 lbs. removed. It was not worth it, but I was desperate at the time. I've got to get through this pain to be able to exercise 5 days of the week. I don't know how to do it because there are no other VA approved medications I can take. I don't know how. 

     I wish there was more research going into pain relief for fibromyalgia. There just aren't many options right now. 

     It'd be great if they would decriminalize marijuana at the federal level already. I am so ready for that. I don't know why it's taking so long. I bet it has something to do with the tobacco industry. 

     Even if studies on CBD oil were done on pain levels, and it was approved for pain relief, that could help me. I have to wait for VA to be able to prescribe such things as I can not afford them otherwise. If there were FDA studies on natural remedies that would be helpful too. There's got to a be a solution out there. 

     Watch, I am going to be the only mom with piercings and tattoos at the church group. I can see it now. Should I go dressed like I want to be received, or as I am? I guess it just depends on how I am feeling that day. 

     It's now 3:41 a.m. and Bella is giving me the look. It's the way she communicates that she wants me to go back to bed. She is right too. I do need to go back to bed. My pelvis is starting to hurt again. I've been up for a long time too.  

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