Today's prompt is " What do you think is your biggest short coming?" Not being able to express myself effectively at a moment's notice.
It is now 8:43 a.m. here. Caleb woke me up to give him his medications. I was not ready to get up.
Yesterday I could not stop thinking about that message from the morning. It got in the way of everything I was trying to do. I was able to clean off the kitchen island, but that is all I did the whole day. I started feeling sick and went to lay down. Part of it was from all the beans I have been eating lately.
Mathew contacted me. It was not expected. We were able to communicate with each other. It was emotional for me. I felt I had already lost my brother forever. Many of my relationships have been like that in the past. It's really all I know. I lost my dad and Sharon last year around this time. I then lost Christinia. It just felt like I was losing Mathew and Nichole too, or I had already lost them. It was breaking my heart everyday. It was making me think things in weird ways. My perspective is skewed because of the abusive relationships I have been in, in the past. It's not their fault I react the way I do. It's other people's faults. I have so little interaction with others that I don't know what is a healthy relationship. I am being taught in therapy.
I am feeling better about things. I know I did not lose my brother forever now.
I was expecting violence to come my way after I received that message. My anxiety was through the roof. My imagination goes wild.
I made a really tasty dinner last night. I made spaghetti with meat/zucchini/squash red sauce. Delicious! After the day I had, I really wanted something I shouldn't have with lots of carbohydrates. I avoided alcohol, although it was calling my name. I avoided ordering Domino's although it would have been easy to touch the button to order. I spent money, but it was on ground beef because the ground beef I took out of the freezer was still frozen solid. I wasn't supposed to spend money this weekend. Walking the Middle Path.
Caleb was supposed to clean up the living room again yesterday, but he didn't. I didn't have it in me to enforce my directive.
I already got a hole in one of my new compression socks. I must have over-stretched it.
My Aunt Lisa is inspiring me by walking everyday. I need to move more. That's what my doctor says. I know it's true, but change is hard. I have been moving to clean the house lately. I hurt myself over and over to pick up the living room and Caleb's room. It kills my back and my legs.
Mathew was weight training down range and got into really good shape. I have some weights at home that I could move around.
I start the disabled women veterans' yoga on Tuesday. That will help me.
I cut myself on that damned recliner from reaching beneath it and catching my finger on a loose staple. It's a small cut, but feels like it's huge. It's on my pinky finger. You don't realize how much you use your pinky finger until you hurt it.
Bella is looking better everyday. I am so glad! I was heartbroken to see how made she hurt herself scratching. I did everything in my power to help her as soon as I noticed it, but still felt like a bad mother.
Today, I should do what I planned to do yesterday, but we shall see how the day goes. The morning routine has gotten longer now that I have to eat before taking my medications, and now that I have to give Bella her treatment.
Bella fell asleep between my legs, curled up in a ball last night and didn't move. She slept good.
My e-cigarette is dying and I refuse to replace it. Once it's gone, it's gone forever. I hope I can manage my stress some other way. I don't know how many time I have tried to quit using this damned thing. I will never stop trying to quit.
I needed this weekend so badly. I expect so much of myself all the time. I have to remember that even the best need breaks. I'm nowhere close to the best, so I really need breaks.
I was supposed to go get our flu shots first thing in the morning yesterday, but I forgot about it until it was too late.
I want to start using my good camera to take photos. My mom recently got a new camera, and I would like to take photos and share with her. I bought the camera years ago and hardly take it out of the case. It was expensive, but my love for taking photos everywhere made it a good deal. I wanted crystal clear highly detailed images of all important events. I barely know how to use it. I have a perfect model, Bella! She is always available for a shot. She has the perfect face too.
We ran out of Gatorade Zero, and use them to make my Miralax drinks in the morning. It looks like I need to make a run to Walmart. So much for not spending any money this weekend!
It's now 9:34 a.m. here so I better get moving on my morning routine before it's no longer morning.
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