5 Year Journal Day 320

      Today's prompt is "Is there anything missing in your life?" Yes there are things missing from my life. I am unable to hold a job, and therefor have no career. My siblings have blocked me and do not communicate with me at all anymore. I am not married, and have no dating relationships. I am not as involved in social groups as I would like to be. I cannot read like I want to. I have books collecting dust that I have bought, but am too tired to read. 

     It is now 5:20 am here on Thursday. Tomorrow is Caleb's birthday. He wants a German chocolate cake for his birthday. 

     Christmas went well. Everyone enjoyed the day and opening presents. Christmas Eve I made a ham, and had Travis come over for dinner. He was more than an hour late when he arrived. We ate as soon as dinner was ready. He made a plate, and told me his drama. I made him a container of food to go and handed him his gifts so I could go to bed. I had just laid down when he arrived. I was sooo tired. The day after Christmas, Christinia made the turkey. 

     I think it was last week we went to Lumberton to see my dad and pick up the Volvo. We went to have dinner at the Cracker Barrel. The next day we tried to start the Volvo and it wouldn't start. We tried to jumpstart it, but the engine wouldn't turn. We gave up for the day after trying to recharge the battery. It was getting late, and I still had to drive home before it got dark. I no longer drive in the dark if I don't have to. 

     I was planning on letting Christinia drive the Volvo since my dad no longer needs it. I am sure it needs a new battery at this point. I will have to drive back again in the future to pick it up again once my dad fixes the problem. 

     Monday was pretty slow. I don't remember doing much. Tuesday, though, I was gone most of the day. I had to go get a lab taken in Leland. When I got there, I found out I was a day late! I must have put the appointment in my calendar wrong. Luckily, I was able to be seen right away anyway. I had blood drawn, and went about my merry way to do all the things I planned to do. 

     The next thing on my list was to drive to Michaels at MayFaire Center and pickup my order. I ordered some art supplies for Christinia and Caleb from the end of year sale. Then Caleb and I stopped at the Hardee's on Oleander for a late lunch. I was hungry and so was he. I wanted to eat before going to the grocery store because I did not want to buy everything in sight when I walked in. After we ate our burgers, I drove to Harris Teeter on Oleander and stocked up on ground chuck. While I was there, I went ahead and bought several ingredients from Christinia's list of groceries for her lasagna. 

     Once we were done there, Caleb and I went to fill the gas tank in Leland. Wilmington's gas prices were 10 cents per gallon higher than Leland's gas prices. Then we drove to Walmart in Southport to pick up Christinia's medications. Harlee requested chocolate ice cream, so I bought her the very last container of chocolate ice cream. I bought the rest of the lasagna ingredients too, as well as some ornament storage boxes. 

     I drove home in the dark, and missed the Food Lion sale on Pepsi products. We ordered Domino's pizzas for dinner and that was about the end of my day.

     Wednesday morning I got up and called my dad to see how he was doing. He had eye surgery on Tuesday. He sounded normal. I went to get the oil changed in the Mazda at Walmart after I took my medications. The guy from Pride Restoration was coming over to work on the bathroom at some point in the morning, so I made sure Christinia was awake to answer the door. I did more grocery shopping while I was there because we needed more lasagna ingredients. 

     Once home, I got on my computer and paid the bills since I had been paid by the VA. I was tired after all of that, and took a nap for a couple of hours until Caleb came in my room with a box and put it on me. It was the rest of the Michaels order. Caleb had an in-home-intensive therapy appointment within minutes of me waking up. Haley, one of the therapists, text me that Caleb had been accepted to Carolina Dunes residential treatment facility. I called her while Simone was here, and Caleb was in the room to discuss what I should do next. 

     Caleb spent the majority of his therapy session discussing what he was looking at on his phone with Simone. By the time the session was over, I knew that Carolina Dunes was not the right answer for Caleb at this point in time. Besides, they had both let me know that that place was really for aggressive behaviors with intent to do harm to self or others. 

     Today the carpenter from Pride Restoration is coming over again to work on the bathroom. Caleb has another therapy session this afternoon. I have to clean up the kitchen so it is clean to cook dinner tonight. I bought chicken thighs that I like to bake, and some cabbage. 

     Tomorrow is Caleb's birthday, and New Year's Eve. Caleb turns 13!  

5 Year Journal Day 319

      Today's prompt is " What do you always avoid?" I always avoid things that will cause me pain, or at least that's what I think. I have fibromyalgia so it's always an issue.

     It is now 4:05 am here. I am awake because I keep waking up from being too sweaty and hot and thirsty. I finally gave up trying to sleep because I feel wide awake for once. 

     Yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up around 7:00 in the morning and took my medications on time. I gave Caleb his medications, and we went out to run errands together. I took a shower first. Then our first stop was Walmart to grab some odds and ends. Then we went to CVS to pick up Caleb's medications. We came home and I started making phone calls. I had to call the endocrinologist lab to schedule to come in 2 weeks to check to make sure improvements were made by taking the new medications. I called the VA back to schedule my therapy appointment. They are scheduled all the way until March already! I called the mold remediation company I hired to see when they would be putting us on the schedule. Then I needed a nap.

     I laid down for a couple of hours and woke up hungry. I ordered us some Domino's pizzas. Caleb got the laundry going again, and I got the dishwasher running. I hand washed a few dishes, but did not clean up as much as I wanted. I gathered some of the trash around and recycling for Caleb to take out. It never ceases  to amaze me how quickly they pile up. 

      Yesterday was Monday. Sunday, was a bad day for me. I could not stay awake. I would get up out of bed and within minutes be back in bed. Everything was hurting my body. It hurt to sit. It hurt to lay down. I just could not escape it, so I took a few puffs of my Delta-8 vape pen. Nothing else really works as well. It's expensive, and I can't vape all the time, but it's worth it to have it around when I need it. I was feeling badly because Caleb wanted me to be up with him, and I could not stay up. He was bored and wanting to do things, and I just couldn't. 

     I also started my period week this weekend. That's the week in my daily birth control that is a placebo. I am not menstruating again. This was the reason for going to the endocrinologist. Am I going through menopause already? Both my primary care physician and the endocrinologist seem to think that all my medical problems are derived from being fat. I hate being fat shamed by doctors, but this is my reality. I'm in pain! Oh! It's because you are fat! Not because I have depression and fibromyalgia... I'm not having periods anymore!! It's because you are too big. It has nothing to do with the decrease in egg releasing hormones that show up in my labs.  

     Last week I got a call from the endocrinologist office with my lab results. My A1c was 6.6!!! A1c under 6.5 is no longer diabetic range. My urine showed signs of kidney stress from my diabetes, and my bad cholesterol was 102. LDL is supposed to be below 70. 

     I also went to meet my dad and Dona Sharon in Shallotte for dinner at Chili's last week. Dona Sharon had an appointment in the area. I ordered a cheeseburger with jalepenos, avocado, parsley, and some other stuff. It was delicious! It was good to see my dad and Dona Sharon again. It seems like it has been a long time since I last saw them. 

     Christinia went on a trip to visit her son last week, and will be back today. I am trying to catch up on my chores before she comes home. I wanted the house to be in better shape when she came back, but it's not likely at this point. 

     Harlee went to spend time with her dad while Christinia is away.

     Last week I had a couple of guys come and give me estimates of what it is going to cost to rip out the old cabinets and replace them with new cabinets, and rip out the flooring and replace it as well. I am hoping to be able to do these things after the mold remediation is done, and still have money from the loan I took out. I have a long list of things that need to be fixed around the house before it will pass the VA appraiser's inspection. I am hoping to get it all done, but I don't know if I have enough money to cover all the expenses. Most of the stuff is little stuff like replacing the dryer vent outside the house that is broken. Another thing I have to do is replace the outlet and light switch covers that were removed when the house was being painted. I have the covers, just need to do it. 

     It's the holiday season, and my brothers and sister still don't acknowledge my existence. I tried to reach out to Nichole when I saw that I was no longer blocked by her on facebook, but she does not read my messages. What can I do? Life is only so long. I won't be punished for being myself. 

     Tomorrow I have a VA exam appointment for the disabilities I claimed recently. They are disabilities that I had before the Army, but was unaware of and undiagnosed. 

     Christmas is around the corner. I think we are planning to have another turkey, since Christinia does not like ham. Travis will likely come over to eat. 

     I have been struggling with depression pretty badly lately. I told my psychiatrist about the dark months affecting me negatively. She put in an order for a light box used for those with Seasonal Affective Disorder. I still have not gotten it. My depression is linked to the pain I feel all the time. The pain makes it hard to do things a normal person takes for granted. I just want to clean the kitchen, and I can't because it hurts to stand, I'm so tired, and it hurts to move. Sometimes I can use a lidocaine patch on my back in addition to an Icy Hot back patch and that helps some. Unfortunately my whole body hurts though, and I just want to crawl in my bed and stay there. I definitely feel like hibernating. 

     It's been too long since I have written. Caleb has been having behavioral problems when being asked to do simple chores. He has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, so it should be expected, however, Christinia is still in the learning process so as to not let it affect her. Caleb argues, and yells, and even sometimes gets violent. The key is not let it get that far. Remain in control of the situation and if he does not comply, he is to go to his room. Nothing good can come of a violent interaction. 

     Caleb has had his Xbox, laptop, and phone taken away for a variety of reasons. One night Christinia came to talk to me and we decided for her to take a look into what Caleb is watching on his phone that might be contributing to his outbursts. What she found was horrifying. I took Caleb to his therapist right away in an effort to get help for him. There was lots of porn and violence on his phone. I also went to ask his psychiatrist for a mood stabilizer. I had forgotten he is already on one, Abilify, and so she increased his afternoon dosage.

     I tried to get him into an inpatient program because he was getting violent at home. There were no beds available. It was brought to my attention that he might be better helped at the residential program, so I took the paperwork to his therapist to have it filled out and submitted. I don't like being put in this position. I don't like thinking that I have to give my son up. I don't like being afraid of what he might do next. I can't help but think that I could have done something else, but what? Right now, we are waiting to hear about the Intensive-In-Home program that Caleb's behavioral health team has available while we wait to hear back from the residential program. 

     Caleb doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to miss Christmas, or his birthday. I feel bad for him. I hurt about it. My heart is heavy.  

     Meanwhile, I am struggling to pay bills because Christinia has not been paying rent on time. She pays when child support is paid, and it hasn't been paid recently. I am hoping she follows through with her plans to go back to college in January. I am rooting for her success for both her and for her kids' sake. 

     I'm taking it one day at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time. It's all I can do. I'm doing the best I can. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 318

      Today's prompt is " Where do you find pleasure?" Hmm... I like listening to music and singing. I use to like reading books, but now I am so tired that I cannot stay awake to do that. I use to like watching movies, but since I have had seizures, I cannot watch them without feeling weird. The lighting and special effects are too much for me now. I use to love roller skating, but I have lost my balance since gaining weight, and the skating rink I went to in Wilmington has closed. 

     It is Monday morning, 6:24 am, and I have been up since roughly about 4:30. Caleb is awake with me. I took a shower because I could not fall back asleep after waking up. Yesterday was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Travis stopped by unexpectedly and visited for awhile. We haven't seen him in years. He moved to Bolivia on Saturday, which is not far from here. 

     Not much else happened yesterday. I woke up at 7:00 am to get Caleb up and ready to go to church with Jerry. I wanted to be sure he unloaded the dishwasher and took his medications before he left. Jerry was coming to pick him up at 8:10. Caleb was gone with Jerry all morning, and I went back to bed. I got back up around 11:00. I did not have the motivation to do anything but sit at the dining table, vape, and drink diet Mountain Dew. 

     When Caleb came back home, he cleaned his room and vacuumed some of the floors. I was cooking pork butt in the crockpot in the turkey bone broth, and added cabbage to it once the meat was fully cooked. I had some of this soup for lunch and it was pretty good I thought. Just needed some salt. 

     Travis came over a second time to use the bathroom to shower real quick. Where he moved into did not have the water connected or electricity connected yet. So, he charged his phone while he was here, and drank a ton of water. 

     Last night, Christinia ordered us pizzas from Papa John's. It was good. 

     I have been off my diet since approximately the day before Thanksgiving when I had Italian cookies. My sugar is currently over 200, and my ketones are low again. I ate what my family ate for Thanksgiving, and had leftovers the day after. Christinia cooked the turkey, made instant stuffing and mashed potatoes, and I roasted fresh green beans and broccoli, and cut fresh vegetables to munch on while the turkey was cooking during the day. She also made gravy. We also had cranberry sauce. It was all delicious! I bought Caleb a pecan pie, and Christinia an apple pie. 

     The freezer is not working properly so we moved all the meats to the porch in the hopes that the freezing temperature outside would keep them colder than the freezer where no air was circulating. It looked like the back of the freezer had frozen over, and needed to be thawed out. We tried to thaw it out, but I do not know how to turn off the freezer to do that. I need to call a repairman. I am broke though. 

     We ended up giving all the meats from the freezer to Caleb to use as fishing bait. They completely thawed out while in the freezer and were not looking safe to eat. 

     Our dinner was donated to us by Ocean View United Methodist Church. Without their donations, we would not have been able to afford a turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. 

     Caleb and Christinia put up the white icicle Christmas lights outside the house. Christinia bought us a new Christmas tree because the we lost the stand to the old one , and the new replacement stand did not fit it. 

     I started wrapping Christmas presents, and birthday presents. Christinia's birthday is coming up soon, and Caleb's birthday is New Year's Eve. 

     Bella had turkey mixed with her kibble on Thanksgiving. She devoured her food.

     I have been slowly cleaning up the kitchen since Thanksgiving. I got most of the dishes prewashed and in the dishwasher. I handwashed quite a few dishes too, but I still have the pots and pans to clean. 

     Caleb is drawing a picture for Jerry, the neighbor who is his friend. 

     We do not have much going on today, but I want to clean the rest of the dishes and get some laundry washed. Tomorrow is payday, and hopefully I will be able to call a repairman to fix the freezer. Christinia has an appointment this afternoon, and I might need to go grocery shopping since there are no more leftovers. 

     Last night I had a hard time going to sleep. I was having whole body pain from my fibromyalgia. I asked Christinia to help me apply a lidocaine patch and an Icy Hot patch to my back so some of the pain would be relieved enough for me to be able to sleep. I fell asleep eventually, but I did not stay asleep for long.

      My dad is doing better now that he is out of the hospital. His sugar was over 600 when he went to the hospital, and he was having chest pain. He is on new medication to prevent his heart from palpitating out of rhythm. 

     Thanksgiving was a good day, all day. We all enjoyed being home and being together. I don't remember when, but Harlee and Caleb put together ginger bread houses. 

     Caleb and I took a photo together, wearing matching shirts, in front of the Christmas tree. 

     I shared photos of the lights on the house and the Christmas tree.

     I don't remember what else happened. Oh! I tried some low sugar wine, a Pinot Grigio by Josh Cellars. 

     Friday night I could not sleep, and woke up around midnight. Christinia and I had some White Claw hard seltzers in Black Cherry flavor and stayed up hanging out. We had a good time, but were tired the next day. LOL I haven't had drinks in years. I laughed so hard and so loud I thought I would wake the kids up.

     The light is showing outside. It doesn't look sunny at all yet, but it is no longer dark. I better go check the washing machine and get started on my house work. 

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 317

      Today's prompt is "Did you leave work on time?" I don't work at a job. My job is at home. LOL

     It is now 5:45 am on Thanksgiving Day. I woke up about 40 minutes ago or so. I could not sleep. I was getting too warm. It is supposed to be about 20 degrees outside this morning, so I turned the heat on for the first time this year, and man! Did it stink! Whew!

     Yesterday I tried to clean up the kitchen in preparation for cooking all day today. I did not get as far as I wanted to because I had to take Caleb to his therapy appointment  in the afternoon. I was tired anyway. 

     Caleb's therapy appointment went well. It was productive.

     Christinia cleared off the dining table so we could actually eat at the table. I had piles of papers and my notebooks and my computer there. It was a practically a miracle to me to see it cleaned off! I was paralyzed to cleaning it myself. I don't know why. 

     Christinia is in charge of prepping the turkey. I am cooking the fresh vegetables. She is also making the stuffing and mashed potatoes. We also have 2 pies and ice cream. Unfortunately, our freezer is not working properly and not freezing the things within. We might have to throw away everything I have tried to collect. I don't have enough money to call a repairman right away. I have to wait until payday, and the end of the month. 

     Caleb's room is finally clean so he earned his DVD player back, and was able to go to church with Jerry on Sunday. 

     My church donated a Thanksgiving dinner to us, and that is the only reason we are able to celebrate this year. 

     I went to the endocrinologist the day before yesterday. Traffic was already bad for the coming holiday. I was there for 2 and a half hours!! Poor Caleb waited in the waiting room for me with nothing to do. I was with the nurse for about 30 minutes, and the doctor for about an hour. All that work, and you know what came of it? My problems are caused by being overweight?!! When I told Christinia that, she was pissed! 

     I was getting hungry after the appointment, and Caleb was starving. We stopped at Arby's in Leland, on the way home and had a late lunch. I had a salad with a Greek gyro. I ate the pita. Yep. I am not supposed to eat bread at all, but I said "Fuck it!"

     After that we headed on to Walmart to pick up a roasting pan that Christinia ordered. Then we stopped at KFC to pick the girls up something hot to eat. We were finally able to go home after that, but we ended up going back out shortly after. We had to run to Food Lion to get fresh produce to cook for Thanksgiving before everything was sold out. When we got there, they had already sold out of fresh green beans that were not processed. I bought bags of pre-cut green beans that looked ok though. Christinia has been wanting Italian cookies for awhile and I just have not seen them anywhere, and she said once that she thought I bought them from Publix once. SO...the next stop was Publix! They had them, so I bought 2 packs! She was so happy when I showed them to her. 

     I made an awesome meatloaf the other day that I have been eating ever since. Leftovers are awesome sometimes. 

     My house looks alot better than it did before Christinia moved in. The Christmas tree she bought is lovely and well lit. She put it up as soon as it came in the mail.  We had to throw the old one away because the stand was missing pieces, and the replacement stand I bought did not fit. 

     Today is going to be a good day.

     My dad is out of the hospital again. He went in and found out his sugar was over 600. He was having chest pains. 

     Jerry helped Caleb fix his bike tires.

      The porch is still cleared off and the shed is still cleaned out. The only places that still need cleaning are my bedroom, my bathroom, and the laundry room.

     My mom called yesterday, and I was happy to hear her voice. She was happy to be on her way home early. She was calling wish us a Happy Thanksgiving. 

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 316

      Today's prompt is "What topic are you bored talking about?" The past.

     Yesterday was a productive day for me. Caleb woke me up around 8:30 am. I called my dad and spoke to him for a little while, then did my morning routine. I ate 2 sausage patties, instead of my normal 3 hard boiled eggs. I took my medications, and gave Caleb his medications. Then I went and got the pet vacuum from Christinia's room and began to pet vac the hallway several times over. I picked up alot of sand and dog hair!! I took a short break and began to shampoo the carpet in the hallway one section at a time. It took me all morning to complete it, and my hallway is not very long. 

     I then went and dropped off the clothes that are too small for Caleb to the thrift store that benefits the women and children of domestic violence shelter. We went to Walmart after that to buy more carpet shampoo. I bought Caleb insoles for his shoes since they were hurting his feet. I bought a few other things too while I was there. We came home and I eventually ended up taking a much needed shower. 

    My Granny and Pepere called to touch base with me and find out how we are doing. They were in good spirits as their doctor's office donated them a Thanksgiving turkey. I spoke with Granny about the diet I am on with Virta. She was so proud of the success I have had in getting off insulin and lowering my A1C. She wanted to know more about how the diet worked so she might try it too because she is also diabetic. I was happy to hear from them both. It escaped my mind that I told them in my voicemail that I would try to call them again sometime.  

    I cleaned up the kitchen a little bit and washed a few dishes to prepare to make dinner. I cooked chicken thighs in the oven for dinner. 

     Christinia bought a new fake Christmas tree since we could not find the stand the old one came with, and the replacement stand did not fit. Caleb took all the lights and ornaments from the old Christmas tree the other day and placed the tree outside. The new tree is pre-lit, and so beautiful in the living room now. 

     We had an argument about the status of the living room prior to putting the Christmas tree up. Caleb was supposed to clean the living room before the Christmas tree was delivered, and he didn't. He had a bad attitude and argued with Christinia, and I had to say my piece too. I was supporting Christinia and trying to show Caleb he was wrong. 

     Things are settled now. It's 6:30 am on Tuesday. Caleb apologized to Christinia after he calmed down. 

     I got up around 3:30 this morning because I was too warm and kept having a dry mouth. Caleb got up a little bit after that and started watching the Jim Carey movie The Grinch. 

     There are no appointments today, so it should be pretty easy going. I need to clean up my room, and Caleb needs to clean up his room. I just finished paying the rest of the bills for this month, so that's done. That's really what was on my mind to do for today. Christinia was having trouble sleeping too. She was still awake when I got out of bed. I thought I might be able to clean my work space, but nope. Not today. 

     Today is Taco Tuesday!!! Woop Woop!

     I need to take more photos of Caleb and Bella. I am running low on recent photos of both of them. I am going to start collecting mailing addresses to send out Christmas cards soon.

     Christinia bought me a new Christmas ornament, and it is lovely. It is made of crystals and shaped as the Tree of Life. 

      I bought her ornament yesterday and it should arrive in a few days. 

5 Year Journal day 315

      Today's prompt is "Who is your hero?" I don't know right now.

     It is now 3:52 pm on Sunday. I got up around 9:30 am, and called my dad. After our conversation, I realized what kind of day I was having, and that it would be better off in bed. I ate my 3 hard boiled eggs, and took my medication with Diet Mountain Dew, which I never do. I then went back to bed and covered myself with my weighted blanket, with my comforter over my head and stayed in the dark until about 20 minutes ago. 

     My conversation with my dad was another one of those where he says "I'm not being offensive", but then he is. He was telling me that I attract "trash" in my life. He then proceeded to list the people who were in my life 20 years ago as examples of the trash he was talking about. I'm not exaggerating. He literally talked about my high school boyfriend. I'm 38. When he goes on and on and leaves no room for anyone else to talk... well. What am I to do? The fact that my high school boyfriend was 30-something and worked for my dad part time, at the time, but ended up marrying a drug-addicted prostitute. I guess that's my fault? I don't know but it really wears me down. 

     Then he was talking about my ex-husband as trash. He is trash because he stayed at home collecting my paychecks while I was in the Army. I don't understand why this conversation was even brought up. 

     He is trying to say that Christinia is trash too. That she does not add anything good to my life, and should be kicked out. 

     He talked about how Billy used me when he needed a place to take a shower. How he is a drug-addict and crazy. 

     I don't know why I let the conversation last as long as it did. I don't need his approval. I don't need his permission. I don't feel the need to argue either. I think he feels like he has to say it to me over and over, and like that is going to convince me that Christinia does not belong in my home. He does not know any details of our arrangement. I do not speak of Christinia to him, and he does not know anything more about our friendship than what I told him before. I told him that we were friends while we served in Korea. We were pregnant at the same time, and she gave birth to her son one or two weeks before I gave birth to Caleb. Christinia is the reason that I made it to the hospital the day Caleb was born. She held my hand while I gave birth to Caleb. 

     For some reason, my dad cannot understand the importance of that to me. He can never be pregnant in a foreign country while serving in the Army during a winter storm while living in an off-post apartment alone. 

     I feel like I have been psychologically beaten up today. I want to not live anymore. I'm tired, and that's what drove me to bed. I'm not happy.

     Yesterday there was an explosive incident with Christinia and Caleb. It was about the Christmas lights that Caleb had hung up on the ceiling. While it did look pretty cool, it was a hazard to Harlee who is only 5 and on the Autism spectrum. Christinia asked Caleb if there were any lights hanging from the ceiling to the floor. Caleb answered "No." I do not think he understood the question, or the motive behind asking it. When Christinia came out of the bedroom and saw the lights hanging from the ceiling and plugged into the outlet, she flipped out. I mean she yelled as loud as she could that Caleb lied to her, when she just asked him about the lights hanging from the ceiling. 

     Caleb has ADHD and ODD. He took her yelling for as long as he could before he yelled back and tried to walk away into the back yard. Christinia told him that he would have nothing to do with Christmas lights, or Christmas at all. It really upset Caleb, like it would upset any kid his age. He was crying and I followed him to the back yard. Christinia yelled that Harlee is only 5 and has Autism and likes lights. She also yelled that she could hang herself and die from the lights hanging up from the ceiling.  

     I tried to calm Caleb down, get him to take his night time medications and go read a book to sleep. 

     Meanwhile Christinia is complaining about how she will take care of the lights and clean things up, "like she does everything around here." 

     Let's just say, it was not a fun night, and I could not wait to go to bed. I was tired already. I woke up around 7:30 am and began cleaning the kitchen by loading the dishwasher and hand washing dishes. I tried to get the laundry going in the machines, and sorted out the clean laundry in my room so we can donate Caleb's clothes that are too small for him. 

     Christinia has a habit of sleeping in until the mid-afternoon. I was trying to get her up around 11:00 or so, so I could take her to the bank at Walmart, like she wanted. I also needed a few things from Walmart while we were there. It makes things alot harder than it has to be when people do not live during the same waking hours. 

     I made some phone calls for her while she was sleeping to figure out to do with the information I came across on her ebenefits page. The claim we filed in 2019 was closed the next year with nothing awarded in her favor. I needed to find out how to reopen the claim, so I called the VA hotline. I was told to use a supplemental claim form and mail it in, so I went about looking for the form and filling it out. I did the best I could and had Christinia double check my work later in the day. 

     I now have 3 bags of clothes of donate, but I might have more once I look through what I have in my closet. I have alot of clothes that I do not wear because I am too hot to wear anything other than shorts and tank tops. I am considering giving some of my clothes away.

     Harlee's pajamas arrived in the mail, and so did Bella's pj's. A few other things arrived that I have been patiently waiting on. The 50 pack bundle of preschooler books came in the mail yesterday for Harlee.  

     We had problems with the Wifi on friday, so I called AT&T technical support. Apparently Christinia worked for Comcast at one point, and knew more than the person we were speaking to on the phone, so it was a little frustrating. They mailed us a new modem, but I have been online for about an hour or so and had no problems. I do not know the cause of the problem, but it did not start until Caleb disconnected the modem when he was cleaning. I think the new modem was delivered by Fedex today.

     Christinia thought Caleb was causing the Wifi problems with his phone and/or computer, so we took them away to see if the Wifi would stabilize. It didn't all day while Caleb was without his electronics. He will get them back today. I don't like Caleb to be without a phone.  

     I just lit my favorite candles, a couple sticks of incense, and a sage bundle. 

     Caleb went to his elderly friend's house, Jerry's to chat. 

     Christinia took us all out to Jersey Mike's after we went to Walmart, then we went to CVS. I saw my friend, Amanda while walking out of Walmart. I saw my friend, Kate, the manager of the Jersey Mike's here while we were there. I wished them both " Happy Holidays!"

     We came home and I needed to take a nap. I laid down and was hurting everywhere in my body, to the bones.

     Today is awkward because Christinia is not talking to me. She walked into the kitchen several times without saying a word to me. I did nothing to deserve silent treatment. 

     Tomorrow Harlee has her 5 year old wellness check up. Later in the week both the kids have dental appointments. 

     I want to decorate the sign I have on the door. It says "Blessed" and is made of metal. I want to dress it up for Christmas. I want to put lights up outside along the rail of the porch this year. 

     I was at one point wanting to invite my dad and Dona Sharon over for Thanksgiving, but with each passing day, I realize more and more how bad of an idea that is. 

     We are being sponsored by the church for our Thanksgiving dinner this year. I am very grateful. 

     I spent this month's rent payment from Christinia on Christnia and Harlee. I consider it thanks for cleaning my house for me last month. Christinia needed a Winter coat and warm clothes. 

     I am vaping 6mg nicotine ejuice again. I started when I started the Virta program, so I could reduce my eating urges. Now USPS, DHL, and UPS I think it was are all banning the mailing of e-cigarette-related products. I don't know how much longer I will be vaping because the cheapest \and most worthy ejuices are online. 

     VA payments and Social Security payments are supposed to increase by 5.9 % next year. I could really use a raise. I have to get myself out of debt. 

     Caleb and I got haircuts on Veterans' Day. I got mine for free! Thank you Great Clips! I brought home a free haircut coupon for Christinia since she was not awake when I decided to go.

     I haven't decided if I am going to cook tonight. 

     Caleb put on "An American Tale" and I couldn't help but tear up. Mathew and I watched that movie so many times in my grandpa's basement together. 

     I am stuck around 300lbs. I can't seem to lose weight anymore. I am sure it is because I am eating too much protein. 

     I am asking my psychiatrist for seasonal anti-depressants. The lack of sunlight is already affecting me.

     I was supposed to let my PCP know that I am having memory loss problems, but I forgot to do it yesterday. 

     I had a shitty day Friday, a productive day Saturday, and a day spent in bed today. 

     I need to write in this journal more frequently. I am not getting out of bed at 2:00 am anymore. 

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 314

      Today's prompt is "What time did you go to bed last night?" Before 9:00pm I am sure. 

     Yesterday Caleb woke me up at 7:30 am, and I stayed up all day. We went out to Walmart to exchange a Blu-Ray disc for a DVD disc set of Christmas classic movies that I wanted. While we were there, I picked up a few other things too, like loads of butter. We came home and I went to look in the shed. It was a horrible mess, no doubt because Caleb tore through all my boxes and bags looking for Army stuff. A mattress was sitting on top of boxes of framed art. I was not happy! I immediately had him remove the mattress from the shed and began trying to make sense of what I was looking at. My clothes were all over the floor instead of in the rubbermaid boxes I stored them in. I spent the majority of my day working on cleaning out the shed. I got rid of alot of empty boxes and stuff that didn't need to be saved. 

     Jonathan came over and mowed the front yard for me. I did not want him to do the back yard because I had so much stuff in the yard from the shed. 

     I lost track of time, and when I was a taking a break, Christinia reminded me that Caleb had an appointment to go that afternoon! I had only a few minutes before we had to leave to be there on time. We made it there on time , thank goodness. It was his psychiatrist appointment. 

     After finishing there, I went directly to Food Lion to buy some groceries. If nothing else, I needed to purchase Zero Sugar Dr. Pepper Cream Soda while it was on sale, and broccoli and mushrooms. I ended up buying a rotisserie chicken for our dinner because I was too tired to stand at the stove and cook the sausages I took out of the freezer. 

     We got home, and I began eating right away. I was starving! 

      While we were cleaning out the shed, I had Caleb bring in all the Christmas stuff so we could decorate and use it. 

      I also got a load of laundry dried during the day.

     I went to lay down but could not get comfortable because my skin was bothering me. Christinia was taking a bath, and I was feeling too tired to take a shower anyway. By the time she finished her bath, though, I was more than ready to hop in and wash up. I mean I was just having a time. I didn't realize how much sweating I did during the day. I worked hard , and it was warmer in the shed than outside the shed. 

     Today I am going to clean the kitchen, and finish up the laundry. We don't have any appointments today, so no worries there. I want to work on Christinia's VA disability claim, but I need her help to set up her account again. I don't know why she doesn't have an account any more. I guess it expired. 

     I got up at 5:30 this morning because I was too warm and uncomfortable in my bed. It is now 7:30 am and the sun is up. Tomorrow is Veterans' Day and we are going to go out to eat at Golden Corral in Wilmington for our free meals. 

     I called my dad this morning. He is normally up early to get the free coffee from the motel office. He was talking about my grandpa, his dad, again. I kinda tuned out as I was trying to fix my WiFi connection that kept going out. 

     No one else in the house is awake yet. I don't feel like starting on the kitchen yet. I have not had my breakfast nor my medications yet either. I guess I should do those things first. 

5 Year Journal Day 313

      Today's prompt is "What should remain as-is?" Bella, my dog. 

     Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 am, and began my day. I stayed up until 12:30 pm and then needed a nap. I worked on my financial spreadsheets first. Then I began to sort out the laundry in my room. I have had more than 3 loads of clean laundry in my room, waiting to be sorted for some weeks now. I finally got around to it yesterday. I was able to sort out the clothes that are too small for Caleb in order to donate them. I folded and put away most of the rest. I was able to clear the space against the wall that had been piled up with my junk. Now I can see the carpet. I was able to put away my old Army uniforms that Caleb pulled out of the storage place I had them in. It was a hot mess. My uniforms were all over the place. Now they are safe in one of two duffel bags. I was able to clear one of my shelves to be able to put things there that I wanted there. I got rid of all kinds of boxes, and emptied out quite a few laundry baskets. I filled one trash bag of Caleb's clothes, and one bag of linens. I have another bag that is almost full of stuff to donate. 

     I washed a few loads of laundry too. I now how one load in the dryer and one load in the washer, and then I will be done for awhile. I have alot of stuff that I have collected over time, and never put away. I still have crates filled with things to put away. There is all kinds of stuff under my bed. How did it get there? 

     I organized the towels in the laundry room on the shelving. I put away the blankets, pillow cases, and sheets where they are out of the way. I picked up and sorted as much of the dirty laundry in the laundry room as I could find. It was a pretty good day for me.

     After my nap, I continued with my work with the laundry for a bit. I had dinner early, and took my meds early too. I was still very much tired. I went to sleep before 7:00 pm. I woke up at 12:30 am, and called my dad. I figured he would be up, as he doesn't always sleep regular hours. He was wide awake and gave me the update on his move from one motel room to another. He hired some people to help him move all his belongings from his room to a new room. He has collected so much stuff in the time he has lived there. He was happy to have been able to buy some shelving to store his stuff this time, and organize his things. Now everything  is no longer a mess on the floor. He said they got 95% of the move done, but there is still a little left to move. He was happy that he was able to hire help and get things accomplished. 

     It is now 3:36 am. I have been awake since 12:30 am. I have been drinking Zero Sugar Dr. Pepper Cream Soda, and Zero Sugar Dr. Pepper. I originally got up because I was too warm. I was drinking my gatorade water mixed with Miralax, but it was not taking the gross taste out of my mouth. I decided to get up and have a soda, and I have been up ever since. I'm not tired anymore. 

     I found my crystal collection that has been at the bottom of a drawer by the dining table, and set it on the table. I do not know where I will pace them yet. I found an essential oil blend that I use to like, and put some on my arm. It has kind of a funky smell. It is called "Sacred Scent" by Vitality.

     I don't know hat I will do today. I know Caleb has an appointment this afternoon with his psychiatrist. I know I need to clean up the kitchen and get caught up on the dishes. The laundry washing needs to be continued too. I have been working on moving more of my stuff into my room, where it belongs, instead of leaving it near my chair at the dining table. It is a slow process. I have to make room for all this stuff first. I don't have enough bookcases for all of my books. I like to keep them organized and grouped by topic. 

     I need to go to the grocery store and buy sticks of butter for sure. I have found that this is definitely what is missing from my diet. It may not sound like much, but on keto, fat is the energy source. I have not been adding enough fat to my meals to keep from being hungry. It is alot easier than I thought to just add 1 tbsp of butter to my veggies, and wah-lah! I'm full!

     I had my appointment with Dr. Karels yesterday too. It was a phone appointment about my diabetes and progress made with Virta. It is to bridge the gap between me, Virta, and the VA, and have one person at the VA who is in charge of my diabetes. I told her that I get a weekly summary that includes an estimated A1C. My estimated A1C is between 6.5 and 6.9%. The number to get below is 6.5 to be considered not diabetic anymore. I asked if I could take a lab in the beginning of December to check my A1C, since then it will be 3 months since I have started with Virta. 

     I am now able to quit taking glipizide all together. I am now only on 2 diabetic medications, Metformin, and Victoza. 

     I got my labs back from the labs I took last week. My sodium is still low. Everything looks ok though. I did not have an A1C lab last week. It was to check my magnesium and other things in my blood. 

     Today marks the day that my grandma and grandpa de Mello passed away, one year apart from eachother. I am not sad about it, but my Aunt Lisa is. She was much, much closer to both of them than I was. I thought of them during Dias de los Muertos, the days after Halloween. I do not grieve the loss of them because late in their lives I had very little communication with them. We were so distant, with me trying to raise Caleb by myself, and them trying to manage their finances and healthcare. 

     My dad constantly tells me stories about my grandpa de Mello that are not heart warming. He tells me how when he was a baby, in Brazil, he was left with other family members of the de Mello family. His mother died 3 days after his birth. His mother's family was not allowed to have any relationship with my dad. He says things about how he was treated poorly growing up, and did not have money to buy school lunch. He also was not bought clothes as he was growing up, and burst out of his shorts one day at school for them being too small. He compares the care he received to the care my Aunt and Uncle received and gets upset. He asks, "How could you do that to a baby? a small child? your son?" 

     There are all kinds of stories that he tells me on repeat. I can't help him though because I am not a mental health professional. I don't know how to respond in a way that would help him heal from the things of the past. One of the things that bothers him the most is that my grandpa left the United States to go back to Brazil before he died, and did not let my dad know. He struggles with the way things were between them, and wishes they had a better relationship. My grandpa was absent from most of my dad's childhood and upbringing. 

     In any case, Caleb is doing ok these days. I bought some math workbooks that we are going to use to quiz on. They came in the mail today. I also had to buy a new power cord for his laptop because some how some way he lost the original. I paid for Adventure Academy again this year in the hopes that it would help him learn things in a video game environment on his computer. It allows for repetition without me repeating myself all the time. I am trying to train him to be more resilient and flexible. Not all things are going to happen the way he wants all the time, and that does not mean he gets to act out and throw fits. He has to be able to do more around the house because I cannot keep with his messes. He is not 2 anymore, and I should not be cleaning up after him. He turns 13 this December. 

     Christinia is dealing with depression. She is tired alot. I know how that feels, and I hope she is able to come back to a better place soon. Harlee is ok. She does not  understand that her mom is doing the best she can with her. It's not easy being a single parent. It's not easy for Harlee to be on the autism spectrum. 

     Bella is happy! LOL She loves everybody. 

     I got the bad news that my window unit A/C is done for. I need to replace it before next Summer. It gets too hot here in the Summer. 

     I am looking at my financial spreadsheet and seeing that so far this year I have paid off 5 credit card accounts and 1 payment plan. That's not bad. Unfortunately I have alot left to go. Let's see... I have 15 more credit cards to try to pay off, a car loan, a loan on the shed, and a personal loan to pay off.  Damn! That's alot! 

     Well, I've been up for a long time, and I should try to get some rest. It is now 4:45 am.  

     

5 Year Journal Day 312

      Today's prompt is "Today you made _____." Well yesterday, I made a crockpot meal with round bottom roast, collard greens, cabbage, kale, yellow onions, rainbow colored bell peppers, and seasonings. I mostly used chili powder. It turned out good.

     Today is Thursday and it is 6:58 am here now. I have been up for awhile because I was getting too hot and thirsty. Yesterday I did not wake up with alot of energy or motivation to get things done. Caleb kept waking me up throughout the night because he could not sleep and wanted screen time on his phone. So, I woke up tired. 

     The plan was to wake up around 8:30, have my breakfast of 3 hard boiled eggs, and take my medications. Then give Caleb his medications and drive to the Wilmington VA clinic so I could have my labs done. I was dragging ass all morning, and got a call around 10:00 from my 12:15 pm appointment. She was running early, and wanted to know if it would be ok for her to come over at 10:45, instead of 12:15. I said that would be ok. She was a nurse working for a company that works with USAA life insurance. I applied for a life insurance policy with USAA last week, and having labs done is part of the process. 

     The nurse arrived and I quickly asked if I could relieve my bladder first. She needed a urine sample so I had been drinking my water drink and holding my bladder. She weighed me and measured my height. She took blood samples. Finally she went through and documented my prescription medications. It took only about 10 minutes or so, and we were done. 

     I had the bottom round roast in the crock pot before she came over. I wanted it to cook longer than the vegetables so that it would fall apart, and not be tough. 

     When she left, I was ready to go to the Wilmington VA to have my other labs taken. I told Caleb to get ready and we left. My primary care physician did not tell me what labs needed to be done, so I did not know if I needed to drink more fluids, but I did anyway because I was thirsty.

     I did not have to wait long for my labs to be done there, and then I went to get my flu shot. I was done pretty quickly, and drove back home. 

     I forgot that before we went to the VA clinic, Caleb told me he was hungry, so we stopped at Arby's for lunch. We went through the drive thru, and he ordered his usual. I tried to order a roast chicken salad, ,but they did not have any made, so I bought a rib sandwich and a brisket sandwich. I did not eat the bread because I am still on the Virta diet, strict keto. It tasted good though.

     I handed 2 diet Mountain Dews from my stash to an older black man standing at the traffic light with a small sign. He seemed thankful, even though that is all I had to give him. I did not think about it until it was too late, but I could have given him my sandwich bread. I don't know if he would have wanted it without the actual sandwich meats. 

     When I got back home, I was tired, but needed to add the vegetables to the crock pot before I took a nap. 

     I took a short nap and got back up in time for dinner. Everybody who tried the food, liked it. It was not overly spiced, like some of my creations have been. I got to hang out with Christinia and Harlee for a little while before going back to lay down. 

     I was on fire practically all day. I woke up hot. I had the air conditioner on high while I was driving and it barely made a difference to me. I think it's either because I am going through an early menopause, or my fibromyalgia, or both. 

     I got a nauseous feeling when I turned onto Oak Island drive at the light by the fire department. It was kinda woozy feeling, like a bad omen might feel. I don't know what that was about. 

     I found out that my scale has been lying to me. When the nurse came over and weighed me, she did so on an analog scale. My scale is a digital scale. My scale told me I weighed 284 lbs, yesterday morning. Her scale said 310 lbs!! 

     I got a call from my dad the night before last, and he left a voice mail. He was his normal self on the voice mail, and not being hateful at all. 

     Yesterday my dad called me while the nurse was taking my blood, so I did not answer the phone. I called him back and it seemed like everything was back to normal. Maybe the topic of discussion the other day was what brought out his demons. 

     I started reading The Energy Codes book again. I only made it through the introduction so far. It seems promising. I want to read more, especially when I wake up so early and there is nothing much to do but wait. 

     My dad called last night and we talked about how our days went. He went to the same eye doctor's office in Southern Pines that Dona Sharon went to for her surgery to have an appointment. It is unclear if an eye surgery will help him see because of his complications. It is not just cataracts that he has. Also, he has to be cleared through other doctors about his diabetes and his heart to be able to go through with the eye surgeries. 

     He is trying to get Aid & Attendance from the VA since he needs 24 hour help, but is running into problems with getting his VA doctor to fill out the application appropriately. I don't know what the problem is, but it is frustrating. 

     I am going to do some school work with Caleb this morning, and we are going to go to the pool so I can do my physical therapy this afternoon. I have not been back to the pool since my last appointment with the physical therapist. I have not had extra money to put towards a pool membership, but I mentioned that to my dad, and he is going to pay for our membership cost. 

     Caleb just woke up. It is now 7:39 am here.

5 Year Journal Day 311

     Today's prompt is "When did you last hold a baby?" I think I might have last held a baby at my mom's wedding. It was one of Sherri's babies. 

     Yesterday was a mostly good day. I woke up around 8:00 am and started with my day. I had my hard boiled eggs for breakfast, took my medications, and saw to it that Caleb took his morning medications. I called my dad who did not spend alot of time on the phone with me. I started the dishwasher, and lit some candles. I handwashed the remaining dishes. I asked Caleb to put away the dry dishes first. He was wanting his Xbox back. I took out 2 bags of recycling to the bins outside. The trucks had already emptied them, and Caleb had already brought them back to the house. Caleb went for a "short" walk down the street. When he came back, I was ready to go out. We went to Food Lion to buy some Diet Mountain Dew that we were running low on, and to see what meat was on sale, since all our meat was frozen. I bought a head of cabbage, a bag of shredded collard greens, a bag of cut kale, and 4lbs. of carne picada. We came home and I began cooking in the crockpot. Once I was caught up on getting dinner prepared, I began to clean the surfaces of the cooking spaces I use. It was getting late in the day and I was getting tired. I put on some music to help me get my work done. Caleb was asking for his Xbox all day. I told him to go out and wash the Mazda windows with glass cleaner and paper towels. He did not use paper towels like I told him and instead of cleaning the windows, just spread the dirt. 

     Dinner was beginning to smell good. The dishwasher was done with its cleaning cycle. I tried to call my dad again, but he did not answer the phone. Caleb dried the dishes from the dishwasher and emptied the dishwasher. When dinner was ready, I made everybody a dish. I thought it was good, but Christinia said there was too much ginger. 

     I had already taken a shower, dry and cooled off, and put on some clean clothes. I told Caleb he needed to take a shower too. I asked Caleb to put his belongings out of the living room chair and into his room. I also asked him to break down the boxes by the door and put them in the recycling bins where they belong. 

     I got the laundry started and started checking my planner for needed updates. I made calls to make appointments for both Caleb and Christinia in the morning. I also finally wrapped Harlee's presents. Her birthday is today. I bought her a set of stuffed puppies. I made more hard boiled eggs so I would have my breakfast ready this morning.

     I had a long talk with Christinia that was positive and helpful. Unfortunately I had to apply what I had just learned right away when Caleb wanted more screen time on his phone, but I wanted him to relax in quiet and go to bed. 

     He got angry and frustrated and loud. I held my peace, although I got loud too. Christinia stepped in to help, but I stepped up to regain control of the situation. 

     My dad called me while I was in the middle of talking with Christinia. I pressed the mute ring button so she could finish telling me what she needed to tell me. I called my dad back later, and I wish I hadn't.

     My dad loves to talk about his past, even though it was not rainbows and butterflies. He also loves to bring up my past and all the mistakes he sees that I made. Let's just say that I was not feeling like being around him nor Dona Sharon after our one-sided conversation. He just went on and on about how fucked up I am and have been. He gave examples of not only my mistakes, but Mathew's, and my mom's, and my grandpa's. Some of the things he spoke about are none of his business. His opinion should not matter because of his position in our lives at the time. Does he think he is God? Like I owe my existence to him because he is my dad? Even though he abused me? 

     Life has changed over the years. I just took Dona Sharon to her eye surgery appointments that took all week. I just went and picked my dad up from the hospital a few days ago. I mean, what reality do they live in? They both blame me for losing everything they had, but it was not my fault my dad choked my 10 year old son on 2 different occasions and it got reported. How is that my fault? Here's what they believe. They believe that I am a bad parent to Caleb, and that led to my dad getting physically violent with a 10 year old boy who has ADHD and ODD who happens to be his grandson. 

     When the police questioned him about assaulting a boy under 12 twice, they both responded that he deserved it. 

     One of the biggest mistakes I have made is inviting them to live with me on 2 separate occasions. On both occasions they were escorted by police out of my living space. As a matter of fact my dad probably still has warrants for his arrest for assaulting my son. Yet he blames me for not even having a belt to wear to court when we went. How is that my fault? 

     My dad is crazy and there is no other way to put it. He threatened to blow up Social Services and shoot people as they run out. 

     It's easy to get along with my dad when he is not angry, but when he is angry...he gets physically violent and scary.

     My dad broke my brother's nose, Mathew. He had to have it repaired as an adult in the Army. Mathew no longer speaks to my dad, and it's probably because he assaulted Caleb and he doesn't want him around to do that to his kids. 

     I'm going to have to let my dad go. The hopes that we could have a healthy relationship are gone. 

     I'm 38, and to bring up a relationship I had while I was in high school is just the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. What relevance does that have to my current being? What relevance do any of my past relationships have to my current being for that matter? And he brought every one up that he could remember. Emotional abuse is what that is. I was crying when I hung up the phone. I lied and said that the phone battery was dying so I could hang up. 

     I am not dead yet, and he is no Saint Peter. 

     I have asked for forgiveness when needed, from the source I believe to be in power over all of us. I have been a Christian Witch since elementary school. 

     I do not believe that I am deserving of this kind of talk. I began to dissociate during the discussion. I could not even say a word because he never stopped talking. Apparently my words aren't important, for one reason, or another. 

     Here I am with all these self-help books, and courses, along with therapies trying to do my inner work, and this person that I call my dad is dumping his shit right on top of me. I am not here to live up to anyone else's expectations, including my dad's. 

     Why does my dad feel the need to bring up hurtful things everyday? He lives in an existence that I cannot imagine being in. He needs therapy badly. I should not be listening to these things over and over. How is that helpful? I feel like I am going through the same things I was going through before. I feel like if I went back in my blog, I would find that I have written these very same things before, and am now writing them again. 

     I have to pick myself back up, dust myself off, and re-center. I will not call my dad today. I have made that decision. I will not answer his calls today either. 

     Anyway, Halloween was a good night for us. We met up with another homeschool family and went trick-or-treating together in South Harbor. The kids got lots of candy, and I had a hot dog from the church with chili, slaw, and onions on it! Bangin'! Yeah, I wasn't supposed to eat that, but.... I couldn't resist. 

     My scale is not telling me the truth. I am supposed to weigh in every morning, and sometimes it tells me 312, sometimes it's 302, and sometimes it's 294. How am I supposed to know what I weigh? 

     My sugars have been regular lately. I am having trouble staying in ketosis for some reason. I am not completely sure why. I have to pay more attention to what I eat and how much I eat. I know I am eating the right things on a daily basis, but I may be overeating. 

     Today is Harlee's birthday. She turns 5! We are going to go get her a small cake later on today. It is only 6:41 am now. I have been up since 4 something. I just couldn't sleep. 

     Later on today someone is coming to fix the window unit air conditioner because it keeps turning itself off. I know it is the circuit breaker on the unit that is doing it, I just don't understand why it is doing it, or how to make it stop.

     Tomorrow I have to go to the Wilmington VA to have a lab done. It's not a fasting lab, so I will likely go later in the morning, after breakfast and meds are down. 

     Thursday I want to go to the pool, if I can afford a membership this month. I need to be doing my physical therapy. It is very helpful in relieving pain being in the water. 

     I was going to ask my dad and Dona Sharon over for Thanksgiving, but now I see that is a bad idea. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 310

      Today's prompt is "What is your biggest expense right now?" The mortgage payment.

     Today is Halloween. It is Sunday and 10:03 am here. On Monday, my dad went to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. It turns out he had fluid in his lungs which was caused by too much salt in his diet. He had emergency heart surgery on Tuesday. The doctors checked his heart to be sure there were no blockages. My dad was in the hospital for several days after that. I went to Lumberton to pick him up from the hospital on Thursday. I came back home after breakfast on Friday. I was planning on taking the kids out to the Town festivities at the park. They were having a Halloween egg hunt for the younger children. Harlee would have liked it, but I was so exhausted, I could not take her. It would have only lasted for 15 minutes, and she would have been so upset to have to come back home, that it really wasn't worth the trouble. 

     Yesterday I woke up around 8 am and began to work on paying the bills. I was originally scheduled to have an appointment with the USAA Life Insurance nurse, but she cancelled at the last minute. I was up, and felt like I was a day late, as I got paid on Friday. I spent several hours paying the bills and updating my files on the computer. The morning was productive. I did not eat breakfast because I was not hungry. I took my medications though. I woke Christinia up around 11:30 am. I checked my sugar shortly after and it was 89. I had some ham and melted pepper jack cheese for lunch, and was tired, so I went to lay down for a short while. Caleb kept interrupting my attempts to take a nap because he wanted me to give him screen time on his phone. I was in bed nearly 4 hours and when I finally got up, I was more tired than I was before I laid down. My whole body was hurting. My mind was running the whole time I was trying to rest. 

     Thoughts of suicide crept in my mind. I just hurt so much and was struggling to recover from the week before. I opened up to Christinia about it. I don't feel the need to act on those thoughts. I wanted relief from the pain I was suffering. I wanted rest and peace of mind. Sometimes the thought of being dead looks appealing because I can't escape the pain I suffer. Physical pain. everywhere. I feel like I am expected to behave like nothing is wrong me, but clearly there are all kinds of things wrong with me all the time. I get tired of trying to be work like a normal person. I get tired of not living up to my own expectations. 

     Today I woke up at 7:30 am. I am feeling better with little pain. 

     I called my dad yesterday evening. I normally call him multiple times throughout the day, but I did not do that yesterday. Apparently he was having what I called a "shitty" day too. He does not understand that I do not choose to be depressed when I get depressed. He does not understand that I do not choose to be in pain because my body cannot handle stress. It's frustrating. He was talking to me about his childhood... the traumas he endured, and how I should be grateful those things did not happen to me. Depression does not work like that. At least mine doesn't . 

     He does not seem to realize that him almost dying again has impacted me negatively all week and I need to recover. Then on top of the obvious, we are talking about why Dona Sharon cannot bring him clean clothes to the hospital, which I found out was less than a mile away. My dad had a toilet accident, and was needing clean clothes. He sat there in a hospital gown the whole time after that. 

     Christinia and I talked about how we might be able to take care of him, and get him out of that motel. She was angrier than I was that Dona Sharon did not bring him clean clothes AND I had to drive an hour and a half to the motel to pick up his clean clothes so he could have clothes to come home in. I drove to the motel and then to the hospital to pick my dad up. We went back to the motel to pick up Dona Sharon and go out to eat at Golden Corral. Afterwards, we went to Walmart to try to fill dad's prescription that he needed to prevent another heart attack. The cost of one prescription was $436 and some change.

     Deep breath.

     Harry Potter The Chamber of Secrets is on the tv. I am listening to it. Caleb is out at the Veterans' Park. 

     Tonight I am supposed to meet some other homeschool families to go trick-or-treating with. I am taking it slow today, although I do want to take a shower and clean my room of the clean clothes that need to be put away. 

     I reached out to Nichole to let her know that my dad was in the hospital. She replied that she told Mathew. I guess it didn't matter to him because he did not contact me. 

     Caleb has a task to clean out the Mazda. He had a bad attitude when I originally asked him to clear out the trash and junk that has been collecting in there since we went to Southern Pines, so I took away his XBox. He has to complete the whole cleaning of the Mazda now before he will get his XBox back. 

     It made him cry more than once because my dad gave him money to spend, and he just spent it on XBox Live money, and he wants to use it right away. 

     I missed being home, even though I was only gone for one night. The beds at that motel are awful! Every pressure point in my backside was triggered in pain when I laid down. I hardly slept. I woke up at 7 am and so did Caleb. It's one thing when I am taking a trip for a joyful reason, but when it not joyful... well, it's not a good feeling. The drive seems longer than it actually is because the roads are lined with nothing but trees. It hardly feels like the car is going anywhere when I am driving. 

     I was so happy to be back home. We did not bring Bella with us, because Christinia and Harlee were staying home. Harlee cried when we left, and asked about us when we were gone.  

     I just wanted to go to my own bed. I totally crashed for a few hours after I got home and caught up with Christinia, Harlee, and Bella. 

     I don't really know what's going on this week yet. I have to update my planner with all the appointments I have in my phone. 

5 Year Journal Day 309

      Today's prompt is "What was something you couldn't do today?"  I wanted to work on cleaning out the porch today, but never got around to it. I ended up going to Food Lion and doing some grocery shopping , driving by the local mechanic shop for information for my dad, and going to CVS to pick up meds for Caleb. When I came home, I was tired. I was ready for a nap. I went and took a long nap because my whole body was in pain. I did not wake up until Caleb woke me up to take my night time medications. 

     Actually, I did wake up earlier than that. I was hungry and woke up and had some pepperoni and cheese as a snack. I went back to bed after that though. When I got up, I got up to a surprise. Nigel Johnson, my ex-husband, tried to call me on facebook messenger. 

     I wrote a message to Nigel in August when I was filing for child support services to give him a heads up, once they told me that Nigel would have to be ruled out as Caleb's father. I sent him another message in September. He finally responded last night! I tried to call him back, but because we were not friends on facebook, I could not get through. He called me back and it got through. 

     He was sounding happy when I spoke to him, and for that, I am thankful. I assured him that the paternity test was a mere formality. He wants to catch up sometime and gave me his phone number. I text him right away so he could save my number. You never know when we might need to talk to eachother again. 

     Of course I had to tell my dad. That got him talking about how my mom lied about her earnings to the court to avoid paying more in child support. Apparently she only paid something like $125 a month per child for the entire duration of having to pay. 

     Talking to Nigel brought back a lot of memories. Some were good, some not so good. He put me through a lot while I was away in Army training. He accused me of cheating on him while I was in basic training. Anyone who has been in Army basic training can tell you that you can barely go to the latrine without a drill Sergeant standing by. 

     It is now 1:02 am here. I woke up around quarter to midnight. Caleb is still awake. He has nasal congestion and is having trouble breathing to get comfortable to sleep. I gave him a nasal decongestant. 

     I wonder if my dad is awake. I don't want to be loud though. 

     So, Nigel said he is scheduled to take a DNA test in Greensboro at Labcorps on November 9th.

     The court date I have to go to is scheduled for December 8th.

     Tomorrow is another day. I hope to get the front porch cleared off completely tomorrow. I am tired, but I have too much stuff going through my mind to be able to fall asleep. 

     I need to go to the Flu Shot Clinic at the VA next week, as well as to the lab. I don't have to take my blood pressure everyday now, but only every other day. I weighed in at 301.3 lbs today! Woop! Woop!

     I am trying to figure out what else needs to be done next week so I can have advance notice. I forgot to give Bella her Bravecto on the 20th. I will do that tomorrow too. I wanted to get Christinia's VA claims submitted by Sunday, but I don't know if I will have the energy if we are working on the porch tomorrow.

     I am tired now. I wonder if I can fall asleep. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 308

      Today's prompt is "Halloween plans? What's your costume?" I plan on taking Caleb trick-or-treating. I am not going to dress up in a costume. I am just going to wear some spooky looking clothes I bought from Zulily online.

     It is now 5:02 am here. I have been awake since about 2:00. I have been working on the bills this far. I figured I would try to catch up with my blog. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was able to catch up on all the dishes, by both loading the dishwasher that is now fixed, and hand washing dishes until the strainer was full 3 different times. Once I was finished with the dishes, I took a break, and then gathered the troops to begin work on the front porch. We did alot of work before I needed a break because my back was hurting, and I was sweating up a storm. I thought it would be a 15 minute break, but when I sat down with Christinia and Caleb, I soon realized that I should probably check my sugar. Then, I decided I should probably have lunch. We collectively decided to finish the porch the following day so I could catch up with my stuff, and we could all take a much needed rest. 

     I took a nap, and the others took quiet time to themselves. I woke up hungry, and snacked on pepperoni. I was not hungry for a big meal, so I decided to skip dinner. I took my meds, and headed to take a shower. I washed up in soapy goodness and felt the hot water make the pains disappear from my body. I always finish my showers with cold water because 1) 10 seconds of cold shower is good for us and 2) I need to cool off after showering in the hottest water I can get, and bring my blood pressure down too. 

     After cooling off and drying in front of my fan, I got dressed and went to say goodnight to Christinia and Harlee. I always get a goodnight hug  from Harlee before I lay down for the night. I tell her that her hugs are "magical Harlee hugs."

     The day before yesterday, I could not get motivated to do much of anything. I was able to put some things in my room, that were by the table, but then new boxes came in the mail and took their spots. I have about 3 baskets of clean laundry in my room, waiting for me to sort through and put away. Most of them are the clothes that are being donated because Caleb outgrew them. I am trying to stay on top of the things I have to do, but it gets hard when my body does not want to cooperate. Sometimes, I just need to stay in bed for the day, but I just can't seem to let myself do that. So it can be torture being up and not working on all the things that need tending to. 

     The priority is to get all the trash in and around the house in the trailer as soon as possible so Mark can have his trailer back. We were able to get things off the porch that have been there for a very long time like the mattress topper, the broken office chair, the broken shop vac, rusty tools... even leaves and sand and dirt! We are close to being done  now though. I can't wait to be able to text Mark that we are finished.

     I still have not been able to sit down with Caleb and finish his end-of-year testing. He is about half-way through the whole thing. I have already had to pay late fees on the testing materials. I need to get that done too. 

     Halloween is just around the corner, and so is Harlee's 5th birthday. Harlee is going to dress up as a mermaid princess. Caleb got a plague mask from his friend, Gage, when he went and spent the night last weekend that he is obsessed with. I have a feeling he will be wearing that for Halloween. 

     My weight has increased this week. I'm assuming it because I am supposed to be on menstrual cycle this week. My ketones have dropped too, even though I have eaten fewer carbs than usual. I need to go to Food Lion and pick up a batch of veggies to roast for me to eat with my meals. I have not pooped in days! It really sucks. I feel like I am carrying weight that I shouldn't be. 

     I started a new blood pressure medication on Saturday. I don't know how much of my problems are from that change. 

     My Virta team told me that my baseline A1C was 9.8 on 8/4/2021, and as of last week's measurements, my new A1C is estimated to be about 7.7. I am trying to work towards not being diabetic anymore, which is an A1C under 6, so that's great news!

     I wish I was losing weight more regularly and faster. I feel like I get a glimpse of a low number on the scale, only to gain 10 lbs back within the next few days! It sucks!

     I bought some new supplements I might try today. They came in the mail yesterday. Some are for brain support, and memory support. Others are for energy. Others are for blood sugar. I would rather take cinnamon instead of glipizide any day. I would rather take green tea than a pharmaceutical to keep me awake. 

     Christinia organized the pantry while Caleb and I were away on Tuesday. We went out o run errands. It was pay day, and that's also the day I pay the bills. I had to go out and pay the water bill. While I was out, I went ahead and donated 3 bags of clothes that I had laying in the hallway, ready to be taken. I also went to Walmart to pick up Christinia's medication, and a few groceries. I made tacos for dinner. I had a taco salad made with ground beef seasoned in taco seasoning, green leaf lettuce, spinach, 4 cheese Mexican cheese shredded blend, sour cream, jalapeños, and avocado salsa. It was delicious! I have never had avocado salsa before!

     The repairman was supposed to come and fix the window unit AC, but called out at the last minute. I am using HomeAdvisor to find someone to do the job so I don't have to buy another window unit. They are expensive ! It has been twice now that the person who was going to work on the AC has called out. I'm starting to lose hope that it will be done. 

     Monday, I made appointments for Caleb to see his therapist again. She will be back form maternity leave at the end of this month. I also called the VA to see what appointment I had on Tuesday morning. Apparently I had a phone call with the dietician at 9:00 am on Tuesday. I was on a role, and decided to see if I could a dentist for Christinia to go to. Her tooth has been bothering her ever since her filling fell out. We tried to take her to the dentist last Friday, but when we got there, they said they do not accept Medicaid for people over the age of 15. Anyway, I got her an appointment to be evaluated in Wilmington. I thought things were going to go ok, but they only referred Christinia to someone else after the evaluation. We waited for 2 days to hear from the people she was referred to, and they never called. She called them and found out that their appointments are way out in January 2022! The problem is that there are not many dentists who accept Medicaid for adults in the area. 

     Wednesday I could not get moving. I was just blah. We ended up taking Harlee to get her first professional haircut at Great Clips! We also went to the Pet Supplies store, so I could buy a place mat for Bella's bowls so they are spilled over everywhere. Harlee got to see the pet birds, pet fish, and a ferret. On the way home, we decided to go to the beach since it was such a beautiful day outside. Harlee got to walk the beach and find sea shells to bring home. She was not happy when we turned around to go back to the Mazda though. She wanted to build a castle!

     Today is Friday,  and it is now 5:45 am here. I got my VA letter stating that my disability claim has been received. I submitted a new claim for a lot of things that are on my medical history and records. I am hoping to get a 100% disability rating. It won't affect my disability pay, but it may have an impact on what grants and scholarships Caleb can apply for when he goes to college. 

     I am trying to help my dad with his disability claims. He is using an attorney to help him, but it is not an efficient practice. My dad is legally blind and needs help. I applied for respite care from the Elizabeth Dole Foundation and got it for him, but they have not started yet. He has alot of claims to file and needs to be careful that he includes everything in his documentation. His attorney only has 2 things claimed, but he has more like 10 to appeal. 

     My dad is obsessed with Caleb going in the Army when he gets older. He wants to find out what it takes to be a rigger with HALO packing qualifications. He talks to me about it nearly everyday. I talk to my dad multiple times a day, everyday. He also wants me to look up a 2004 Land Rover and see what is available and at what cost. SMH

     I try to get him to understand that we are struggling with school right now, and dealing with his ADHD and ODD is no easy task. 

     Caleb has begun to earn money for doing chores around the house, thanks to Christinia. I offer $0.50 for unloading the dishwasher properly. Another $0.50 for drying and putting away the dishes in the dish strainer when I ask. So far, so good. 

     Caleb was bugging me about buying him a book when we were at Walmart on Tuesday. He was begging and pleading. I told him "No!" a thousand times over, I swear! I told him that if he wanted to buy something, he would have to earn money to buy things himself. I went on to say that we had offered him money to do chores around the house, and he didn't want to earn money! So there we have it. I told him that his begging me does not put money into my account for me to buy him things.

     I haven't heard much from my mom lately. Kenneth is doing better.

     I got a call from Aunt Lisa on Wednesday while we were out. It was good to hear her voice again. She sounded in a happy place. We caught up for a few minutes, but I was in the middle of getting in the Mazda to drive over to the Pet Supplies Store, so the call was only so long. I asked about how my cousins are doing, and my Uncle Andy too. It has been such a long time since I have seen any of them. The last time I drove up there, Caleb was only 4 or 5. I remember that I stayed with my grandma and grandpa and I took Caleb to Sesame Place! That was the last time I saw my grandma and grandpa. They both passed away. 

     In other news, Jamie McCurry messaged me on Facebook messenger. He asked "Did you find his dad?" What an idiot! Are you serious? After all the time I spent explaining why I was contacting him, and all the time spent with no messages at all? WTH?! I put him on blast and with screen shots of the entire conversation between us in my newsfeed. How much more obvious could it be that he is Caleb's father? He was at Camp Casey at the right time, and shares DNA with Caleb through his grandmother who uses AncestryDNA. 

     I am pursuing child support, but first Nigel Johnson, my ex-husband, has to be ruled out according to the state of North Carolina because I was legally married to him at the time of Caleb's conception and birth. Then, Jonathan Rivera must be ruled out because he signed the birth certificate. Only after they have been ruled out can I pursue Jamie McCurry, but it's going to happen whether he likes it or not. He will take the DNA test and prove that he is not the father or he will pay child support. 

     Looks like the state of NC is making it harder to get vaping stuff by taxing the Hell out of vape supplies. It's like 25% tax! Then the USPS just put a ban on shipping e-juice. I don't know how I am going to get my e-juice now, because the local stores charge too much for less quality e-juice. I  don't understand why, but when I buy from the local stores, their stuff always burns my coils.

     Caleb just woke up because he is having trouble breathing through his nose. He is congested. 

     It is now 6:35 am here. I wonder where Mathew is right now.

      

     

5 Year Journal Day 307

      Today's prompt is " Are you able to tell when you have enough?"  The short answer tot hat question is "Yes." 

     So, since I have last written more than a month ago, alot of things have changed. At the end of September, I went to Lumberton to drive my step-mom and dad to Southern Pines to for Dona Sharon to have eye surgery. She had eye surgery on her cataracts. On the 12th was my dad's 61st birthday. That following week I spent preparing to be gone for a week. I prepared meals in advance to cut down some of the costs associated with 4 people going out of town. I also wanted to stay on my diet as much as possible, even though I would not be able to cook while gone. I even invested in a huge cooler to store food in. I loaded the van up, with little room to spare. We brought Bella with us, of course. The plan was to take my dad' Ford Expedition to Southern Pines. That way, there would be more than enough room for everyone and their belongings. Once I got to Lumberton, we had to run an errand, and I noticed that there were no brakes!!! Come to find out , the brake fluid was leaking. Needless to say, we did not drive the Ford to Southern Pines. We had to make due with driving all 5 of us in my compact minivan. It was congested in the Mazda to be sure. I could not wait for the trip to be over.   

     We arrived in Lumberton on Saturday, September 18th, drove to Southern Pines on that Sunday, and I took Dona Sharon to her first eye surgery on Monday morning. Tuesday she had to have her eye checked, before they would do surgery on the other eye Wednesday. Then she had to get that eye checked up on Thursday. We checked out on Saturday and returned to Lumberton. Caleb, Bella, and I drove home on Sunday. 

     I believe it was Monday, in the wee hours that I was chatting with Christinia. She decided that she was ready to leave her current situation with her baby's daddy, and I was willing to go pick her up. She happened to be all the way in Charlotte, and was only 1:30 or so in the morning. It was pitch black outside. I don't normally drive in the dark anymore because I am afraid the lights will cause me a seizure while driving. Anyway, Caleb and I drove 4 hours to get there to pick her and Harlee up. She asked me to call the police when I got there to ensure a peaceful exit because he owned a gun and it was in the room they were staying in. 

     The exit was not without incident, although we did wait for the police to arrive to begin moving her out. Troy came outside and began taking pictures of my license plate for some reason. He was standing behind me as the door to the trunk was raised overhead for me to load Christinia and Harlee's stuff. I was bent over and moving stuff around to make space, and this fool is right behind me, in my personal space, trying to take photos of my license plate. I blew up. I literally blew up. After trying to stay calm, I got really loud and said something to the effect of "Get in my personal space again and see what happens!" I don't play. I know he was abusive to Christinia. I knew he was dangerous. I did not like feeling threatened in my own space. The police man who was outside, witnessing the incident, tried to threaten me with going to jail. I told him "You're not taking me to jail for being too loud! I fought for this country!" I was pissed and could not wait to get away from there and that situation. 

     We got the van loaded and headed out safely. 4 hours later, we arrived at my house. It was not cleaned up, as Caleb and I had been gone the week before, and prepping to go the week before that. The house was a disaster area, and I told Christinia that beforehand. 

     It took me a week to get over the scene with Troy and the police officer. 

     We are going on week 4 on Christinia and Harlee staying with us. So far, it has been ok. Christinia practically cleaned most of the house. I cleaned the hallway bathroom to the best of my ability, as well as the kitchen. She managed the living room, guest room, and hallway. The guest room was a disaster from Caleb using it and destroying everything in his path. His belongings and trash were all over the floors. I could not get him to pick his crap up and throw it away. I have been having the hardest time trying to get him to pick up after himself for years now. 

     So there's all that, then, I completed my physical therapy sessions! I am now supposed to be going to the pool 3 times a week and continuing my routine. I did not go last week because I could not manage it. 

     I have successfully lost 21.4 lbs. so far! Woop! Woop! I am totally off insulin and only on 1/4 the glipizide I was on. It wasn't easy getting back on track after being out of town for so long. I had a few hiccups while away. One instance was me eating a number of cinnamon rolls. The oher instance was eating some kind of corn chips. 

     I took Bella to the vet last week for her shots. She got her Bordatella and Canine Flu shot. 

     I took Caleb to have his second HPV shot and his Flu shot too. 

     I had to reschedule my appointment with NP Miller because I got busy doing something else. I was at the U-haul counter when she called for our phone appointment. I was like "Uh... I am not in a private place right now, can I reschedule?" LOL Yeah, because it was to talk about my sexual dysfunction. 

     I was getting a truck to pick up what I thought would be free furniture. It did not turn out to be free. The person was moving, and trying to sell her stuff, but would not communicate prices by chat nor on the listing. When I got there, she was 30 minutes late, and only then decided to say that the things were $50 each. I did buy some things, and got a free student desk too, but I did not buy the furniture I was renting the truck for because she wanted over $100 a piece for each. 

     I quit my Breathe4Change yoga program. I had fallen behind before the day of the first online class, so I decided to drop out and get a refund. 

     Today, Mark Gonzalez, the owner of the Mr. Rooter franchise around here, brought over his trailer for me to load my trash into. I will now be able to completely clean off the porch! It is stacked with junk including empty boxes and broken furniture. I am so grateful for his kindness. I could not afford to rent a trailer, and even if I did, I could move the trailer because I don't have a hitch on the van. 

     I woke up at 6:30 yesterday morning, but did not really start moving until about 9:30. I forgot I made plans for Caleb to go to Gage's house for the night. Gage wanted Caleb to come over to help him dig a giant hole in his backyard. Apparently they did nothing but dig and eat all day yesterday. 

     After talking to Mark, when he brought the trailer over, I was energized. I began the laundry in the washer machine, I began folding clothes in my room, I began to pick up trash from Caleb's room and sort things out. I also began loading the trailer with stuff not only from Caleb's room, but also from the porch. I finally put  my new clothes away in my closet where they belong. I finally got my clothes washed, dried, and mostly put away. I hung up all of Caleb's shirts, jackets, and sweaters for him. I took out everything in his chest of drawers to be washed and sorted out. We have a collection of clothes that no longer fit him that are going to the local thrift store that benefits the local shelter for women and children of domestic abuse. 

     The other thing that happened was that the dishwasher broke. I was without the dishwasher for a week while the part was being ordered. I had to hand wash dishes for 4 people everyday. It sucked. I fell behind on the pots and pans, but tried to keep up with the other dishes. The dishwasher got fixed on Friday, so hopefully we will back on track soon. 

     The window unit air conditioner will not turn on either. I don't know what happened. I hired someone to come over and fix it on Friday, but they cancelled at the last minute, and rescheduled for Tuesday. 

     It is now 4:33 am here. I have been up since about 3 am.

     I need to get Caleb back on the schedule with his therapist, Mallory. I cannot seem to get through to Caleb the importance of school and keeping the house clean. For some reason, he thinks he can make decisions to not be helpful around the house. It's taxing to deal with and I don't have the answers on how to make it stop. 

     I am trying to make progress in the house, but find myself running in circles since the dishwasher broke, and Caleb was put in charge of doing the laundry by Christinia- bad idea. Caleb is delayed and immature for his age. He is not ready to be put in charge of washing the laundry. There are rules to washing laundry that must be followed to get the most out of the washer and dryer. I think  she just assumed he would magically know these things, but he doesn't. For instance, you cannot wash more than 2 towels at once. Why? Because more than two towels will not dry in the dryer within 2 cycles. You cannot wash blankets together for the same reason. There are jus things that need to be taught in order to be successful, and he is not ready. Why? Because he has trouble paying attention and following directions. The only time he pays attention to anything, is with video games. 

     I have taken back over of the laundry. I am going to help direct Caleb through cleaning the parts of his room that I left for him to clean up. For example, he will be in charge of shop vac-ing the carpet in his room, and clearing the rest of the trash away from his room. I removed almost all of the laundry from his room, so I could wash them without issues. 

     Caleb so far has a general chore routine throughout the day. Give Bella water. Let Bella outside in the morning. Take the trash out to the trash bin. Take the recycling to the recycling bin, but do not leave the recycling in the bag. Instead bring the bag back inside to be used again to collect the recyclables. Feed Bella dinner. Let Bella outside in the afternoon. 

     Then he has chores like: putting the clean dishes away from the dish strainer, and unloading the dishwasher, bringing the clean laundry from the dryer to my room to be folded, bringing the dirty laundry to the laundry room to be washed, and sometimes, even giving Bella a bath. 

     We have built up to this much. I do not expect him to magically know how to do other things without proper instructions and supervision. 

     Homeschooling is more than just the public school curriculum in my house. Yes, he needs to know the public school curriculum to prepare him for college, however, if he can't learn to live ... what good does it do? He has to learn to control his anger. He has been working on it with me. I let him say what's on his mind, and I do not hit him. I don't know where people get the idea that violence is the answer to me parenting my child. He is not 2, and getting a "spanking." He is almost 13! 

     I get people trying to tell me about myself and Caleb, and it's like "What the Fuck do you know about me? Or Caleb?" It can be hard to deal with. I try to transmute my anger into positive actions though. I hope today will be another good day. A good day is one in which I very little pain, am not exhausted physically or mentally, and can work for more than a few minutes at a time to get things done. 

     That being said, there is a very good reason for my "unemployable" VA status. It's because I cannot hold a job in my current condition, and am not expected to get any better. I try explaining this to people. but I am not being heard. Look! I am doing the best I can do! I am limited by my disabilities! Lord help me with these people who do not seem to grasp the concepts I try to put forth. 

     My son has ADHD and ODD. He is going to behave just like he behaves, and that is because he has diagnosed behavioral issues along with mental health issues stemming from PTSD. Look it up! What he does is not only common for the tween, but extremely common for the tween with these issues. AGAIN, I am doing the best I can! 

     I am so frustrated! I don't hide these facts of our lives. I am quite open about my disabilities and Caleb's problems. So why are people acting surprised when he talks back to me? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Look it up.  

     Anyway, my back is beginning to hurt, so I am on my way to lay down for a bit.