5 Year Journal Day 267

      Today's prompt is " Write down a quote for today." I don't have one.

     It is now 11:41 p.m. on Thursday. Today was a weird kind of day. I did not sleep well last night because I was sweating and my CPAP was causing my trouble. I finally got comfortable after dawn, and slept until Caleb woke me up at noon to take my medications. I did not do much, as I felt like shit. I did, however, call my mom back. We facetimed for awhile and caught up together. My voice is starting to return, although it's not all the way back. 

     I called the MST coordinator back and made an appointment for next week. 

     I called the Special Agent at the Ft.Bragg CID office and introduced myself and spoke my story. Special Agent Herring is a woman, and she will be talking to her leadership to find out how to go about my case. 

     I called Wilmington Orthotics back and made that appointment.

     I video chatted with Michelle for awhile until it was time for me to start getting ready to make dinner. She helped me understand what I might need to do to get my case going.

     I video chatted with Terri while I was cooking.

     Caleb and I prepared and cooked dinner together. It was tofu stir fry in Korean BBQ sauce. It was made of celery, cabbage, bamboo shoots, water chestnuts, mung bean sprouts, fresh minced garlic, green onions, snow peas, and baby corn. I made a side dish of all the mushrooms I bought and cooked them in Kung Pao sauce for me to eat. Caleb does not like mushrooms. 

    It was tasty.

    Caleb was hyper tonight, so I did not go to lay down until later than usual.

    Yesterday. I do not remember yesterday. I think I stayed in bed for most of the day. 

     I have not been sleeping well, and so I have been sleeping in the day to make up for the lack of sleep at night. 

     While chatting with Michelle , I volunteered to help her with her non-profit that she is working on creating. 

     I was laying down in bed, and I had all these thoughts going through my head, and now...nothing. 

     I was looking through the books I bought. I want to create my own yoga plan to fit my needs and abilities. I want to use the journals to make my blog better. I have all these thoughts, and then by the time I sit down to type them, they are gone. 

     I am scheduled to get my first Covid-19 vaccine on Saturday. 

     I got my registration sticker and card in the mail today. 

     I was watching more Reiki videos from my class on Udemy yesterday. I might actually be able to complete the class soon. 

     I gotta take my iron pill and orange juice. I guess I will go back to bed and read. I don't know how I forgot everything I was thinking while I was laying down. It's a mystery.  

5 Year Journal Day 266

      Today's prompt is " What shocking news have you recently learned?" That I need MST counselling. 

     It is now 12:29 a.m. here. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I did not sleep well last night, even though I took cough medicine before going to bed. I woke up around 10:00 or so, and did my morning routine and waited for Caleb to get up. I decided to go to Walmart to pick up a few things, so we went. I bought a 6 qt. pot that I wanted. Aunt Lisa sent me money so I could buy it. I ruined both my 6 qt. pots that I had. I had to throw one away, and am still trying to clean the bottom of the second one. 

     I also bought a new garlic press, some cheap plates, and some matching cups. I do not know where all my plates are disappearing to. I needed more cough medicine, and orange juice. I wanted some ice cream to soothe my throat. I wanted to take Aunt Lisa's advice on tea with honey, and lemon. I bought some artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and jalapeño stuffed olives because those are my favorite snacks that are relatively low carb. 

     Oh, so before we left for Walmart, I started making dinner in the crockpot. I made "pork n greens" , which was boneless pork ribs and collard greens, spinach, and kale, with ginger root, garlic, and seasoned salt, cooked in extra virgin olive oil and water in the crockpot. It turned out good. 

     When we got home from Walmart, I had to put away the groceries, but I started to clean up the kitchen a bit. I gathered the dishes, pre-washed them , and fully loaded the dishwasher, and ran it. I hand washed the dishes that required hand washing. I did not finish washing dishes, as I needed to take a break, and by the time I checked the time again, it was time for dinner. Time flies. I still have pots and pans to wash by hand. I did put all the groceries away, though. 

     I had dinner, and took my medications. I fed Bella chicken livers with her kibble. I ran out of time to wash the pots and cook her vegetable mix. I also forgot to buy carrots while at the store. I forgot to buy garlic too.

     I did not want to write when I got up in the middle of the night last night. I just wanted to go back to sleep, but I kept waking up because I was sharing the bed with Bella and Caleb and having to fight for my space on the bed. I also had trouble with my CPAP. The CPAP was also causing me to cough because it dries my throat. 

     I did have a good Tuesday, but I did not have my voice at all. My body was feeling better because I was not coughing as much as I was before I started taking cough medicine. 

     I am still vaping zero nicotine e-juice. I am about half way through my supply. Once it's gone, it's gone. I'm not buying anymore. I changed my coil, which was what was causing my throat to burn. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that I needed to change the coil. SMH. Sometimes I really wonder what the Hell is going on in my head. 

     So, on Sunday, while on the video chat with WoVen, Terri, and Michelle, I emailed Detective Higgins about not having received a call in all this time. On Monday, I received a response from him. He is going to reach out to his point of contact at the Ft. Bragg Army CID again, and if he can't get through, also contact his second point of contact. 

    I also sent a secure email to Dr. Hueholt about needing a referral to MST coordinator. Her nurse responded to my email on Monday. 

     I stayed in bed all day Monday. I felt awful. I was dead tired, and sore all over. I had coughed all night, Sunday night. My voice was mostly gone. 

     I got the books I ordered from Zulily in the mail on Monday. I let Caleb open the box yesterday. I looked through the books, and decided the order I would read them. I am going to put them away in  my book case once they have been read. I finally opened the rose water I ordered for my rituals, and placed them in the bookcase for storage. 

     Last weekend I got alot of clothes washed. I am still waiting for Caleb to find the rest of his socks, so I can wash them all together with a load of white laundry with bleach. I thought I would get more cleaning done, but I started feeling badly and couldn't continue the pace at which I had started. 

     On Monday, I had my weigh-in for record. I weighed in at 315.6 lbs. , slightly more than 20 lbs. down, for record! 

     I have to take my iron pill and orange juice. I have to refill my water bottle. I am so thirsty and have no more water in my water bottle. I am going to go read my books in bed after that.

  

5 Year Journal Day 265

      Today's prompt is " Where do you think your road is going?" Towards better health and inner peace.

      It is 10:55 p.m. now. Caleb wanted me to write my blog because he is having a hard time going to sleep. He took his night time medication which helps him sleep, but he is still wide awake. It feels warm in here. 

     Today I was like a zombie. I was tired because I did not sleep well last night. I coughed all night long, and it kept me from sleeping. I tried to get in the mood to work by lighting a candle and some yerba santa. I also eventually  lit some incense.  I was slow moving and and just  blah. I tried to stay awake all day and make the most of the day so that I could sleep well tonight. I had a 2:00 p.m. online video meeting with WoVen leaders (Women Veterans Network). We talked for a couple hours and I ended up opening up about my MST (military sexual trauma). The conversation started with asking about the new baby that is due, and led to us each of us describing the births of our children. After I told the story of Caleb's birth, I just felt led to tell them that I do not know who Caleb's father is, because they were both married when they had their children. It was just me with the leaders in the video chat, Terri and Michelle. They were both very supportive. I had forgotten about that I filed a report with the police at the beginning of January, and was waiting to hear from CID (Army Criminal Investigation Division). I remembered during the conversation with them and followed up with Detective Higgins via email. They said I should reach out to the MST coordinator and support at the VA clinic, so I sent a secure email message to Dr. Hueholt, my psychiatrist, to be referred to them. 

     We bonded over the fact that each of us had suffered MST.  They told me that they would support me through whatever I may go through coming up in relation to the investigation and trial. They also said that a win for me, is a win for not only us (the group), but for those other women out there who suffered and are not able to pursue justice. 

     When we ended the video chat, I just wanted Domino's delivery for dinner. I had no money, so I asked my Aunt Lisa to send us money due to the circumstances. I just wanted to eat my feelings.

     The food arrived quickly and was delicious. I  took my night time medications, and went to bed soon thereafter. Caleb did not let me go to sleep like I wanted. He was hyper and wanted to play and would not leave me alone to sleep. 

     It is now 11:33 p.m. here. Saturday was not as productive as I would have liked either. I started laundry on Friday and continued washing laundry throughout the night because I woke up around midnight, and could not go back to sleep. I got alot of laundry done. I began cleaning up the trash in my room, that I had by my bed. I filled a trash bag, and still did not get all the trash up. It's not all my fault. Caleb brings in trash and throws it on the ground and does not throw it away where it belongs in the trash. 

     We went to Walmart to return a set of pajamas I bought, but could not afford. I ended up buying green onions, celery, BBQ sauces, and seasoned salt while I was in there. I ended up cooking boneless pork ribs in the crockpot in Carolina cooking BBQ sauce. Caleb did not like it. He does not like the sourness caused by the vinegar in it. He prefers sweet BBQ sauce. It's a good thing I bought him his own BBQ sauce to put on his ribs. He enjoyed them then. 

     Caleb is starting to settle down now. He is being quiet. He found an Indiana Jones marathon on tv last night, and was able to record the movies on the dvr. He wanted me to lay down on the couch with him and watch movies with him, but I was tired and just wanted to lay down in my bed. 

     I just did not physically move much today. I got nothing done at all. I'm ok with that, but I could have spent the day in bed if I had known that I wasn't going to work on anything. 

     I don't have any appointments coming up this week, and neither does Caleb. I plan on taking it easy. I have more laundry to wash. I want Caleb to clean his bedroom and put away all the clean laundry I washed for him. I also want him to find the rest of his white socks. I did find my compression socks, and they are nicely washed and put away now. I want to move some stuff around in my room. Bella's crate is in set up in my room from when the air conditioner went out and I wanted to protect her from the hottest days of the summer by keeping her in my room where I set up fans and a portable air conditioner. Anyway, it is blocking the chest of drawers in my room, and I cannot get to my clothes in there. I am sure that by now I can get rid of alot of clothes stored in there because it has been so long since I accessed them. 

     I also want to move the smaller two bookcases in the living room to where I want them and set them up the way I want them. Caleb's books need to be moved to the larger bookcase. I still need to empty out the china cabinet of what is left in there. I have to put away the books I got for Christmas, along with some other knick knack type stuff I have collected in a crate. I want to go through my medication drawers to make sure I am not keeping stuff we don't need. I need to put together the small night stand sized chest of drawers I intend to use for my medication cabinet. I still have not put together the carpet cleaning machine either. I have not put away my new homeowner's tool set. I am giving up on the idea of building a life raft out of Gatorade bottles, and so we are going to just recycle all the bottles we have collected so far. They are everywhere and driving me nuts. 

     I need to go through the stuff on the porch before it gets too hot to be outside again. I doubt the stuff out there has survived the weather of the last year, but just to be sure I am not throwing away important stuff... 

     I want to get the floors cleaned up so that I can use the carpet cleaning machine  I bought last year to clean the carpets. I still need to clean up the kitchen, but that is a never-ending battle. I want to get my filing cabinets organized so they are being used efficiently. 

     The singing bowl I ordered arrived the other day, I have not opened the package yet. I was not ready to open it when it arrived. I do not know where I will keep it so that it does not get broken. It is tuned for the root chakra, which deals with feelings of safety. 

     I am in need of more white sage smudge sticks, and Indian temple incense sticks. I hope to be able to buy some soon. 

     I gotta update my health notes real quick.

     So I was able to get the Mazda inspected on Friday, and also pay the taxes and registration. I had a hard time last week with the switch to zero nicotine e-juice. The first and second days were the hardest to not fall into the trap of going to the vape store and buying more e-juice with nicotine in it. Day 3 was easier by far.  I think today, now Monday morning, is day 5. I had trouble with  the coil I was using and it burned my throat. So I coughed alot and now have lost my voice. The CPAP really aggravates the situation by pushing air through my nose that irritates my throat. 

     I'm not really talking to Billy anymore. It is allowing me to work on my own stuff I have going on. It's much easier to help someone else, rather than help myself. I have to work on myself though, if I want to get healthier.  

     I gotta fix something with one of my credit cards. I still need to take my iron pill and orange juice. I think Caleb fell asleep. Well, he just woke up. Damn.  

5 Year Journal Day 264

      Today's prompt is " What's your favorite television show?" House.

     It is now 12:38 a.m. Yesterday I worked on getting the laundry cleaned. I also went out to get the Mazda inspected. Then I went to Walmart to buy some laundry detergent and toilet paper. I came home and continued to wash laundry. I made us some meatballs, zucchini, squash, and onion for dinner again. It was a pretty slow moving day. It was raining most of the day. 

     I have to re-wash my Army uniforms because Caleb pulled them all out of the duffel bag and left them on the floor for everybody to walk all over. SO yeah. Fun. More work for me. I also get to wash multiple comforters because Caleb can't leave them on the shelf when not in use. 

     I got angry with Caleb over his junk being everywhere I try to walk in my own house. I told him the house will be clean by the end of the weekend, or things would be thrown away. If he can't or won't take care of his belongings, they will be thrown away. I'm tired of living this way, and simplification will happen one way, or another. We will find a way to live in a clean environment. 

     So anyway, I finally got the Mazda inspected, which is required in NC in order to renew the registration and pay the vehicle taxes. I did all those things yesterday. 

      I am trying to figure out when I can expect my direct deposit of my federal tax refund. I am not able to get my information on the IRS app.  I don't know why. Hmm.. 

     I have not heard from my dad and he received the envelope I sent in the mail on Saturday, one week ago. I wonder what he thought about it. I wonder if he even opened it. I wonder if his eye sight is good enough to be able to see anything anymore. It's hard to leave him alone when both my grandparents on my dad' s side just passed away in the last 24 months. Life is short. 

     I moved the laundry over when I got up from bed. I am waiting for the dryer to finish its cycle, because it typically takes 2 cycles to fully dry the load of laundry. 

     I am bored. I am just waiting for the laundry. I have nothing else to report. I never finished watching the Marci Lock video. I was not feeling well a few days ago. I had to go to bed. Yesterday was a good day as far as being able to stay out of bed and get work done. 

     Unfortunately, I bought a set of pajamas at Walmart which I have to return. I thought I had enough money to cover the cost of them, but when I balanced my credit card budget, I found that I had spent too much. So yeah, I have to return them tomorrow to make sure my automatic payments that are coming out will be without problems. 

     Friends is on tv in the living room. Caleb is asleep on my bed. Bella came out of the bedroom to be with me. She is laying down on the couch cushions that Caleb took off the sofa, and never put back. 

     It is now 1:30 a.m. and I am wide awake. I might go read one of my books in bed after I take my iron pill and orange juice. 

5 Year Journal Day 263

      Today's prompt is " What's a new place you've recently been to?" Ugh. I went to the Lowe's Foods yesterday. 

      It is now 3:36 a.m. on Friday. Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was going through nicotine withdrawals. Yesterday was day 2 of being on the zero nicotine e-juice for my e-cigarette. I could not sleep. I was sweating and hot. I could not get comfortable. I was really tempted to go down the street to the vape store and buy some e-juice with nicotine in it, but I didn't. I made it through the day. I redirected my thoughts to other things. It wasn't easy, as my body was craving nicotine. I reached out to let people know that I was struggling. I worked on my computer for awhile, doing work on the budget and paying other bills that I did not pay yet. 

     I got Caleb ready to go, and we went to pay the water bill. From there, we went to try to get the Mazda inspected, but the inspection station's internet was down, so they could not do it. Then we went to McDonald's to use their wifi to see if there were other inspection stations closeby, and there were none. So, we just went to pick up Caleb's medication from the pharmacy. After that, we went to Lowe's foods. I saw on their flyer that the sausages were buy one, get one free again. I love the "Soprano" sausage from their SausageWorks collection. 

     Something drew me to the vegan section of the vegetables' section. I was drawn to buy tofu. Needless to say, I bought more than I originally wanted. Such is always the case in groceries stores, for me. I bought green cabbage, mushrooms, mung bean sprouts, bamboo shoots, water chestnuts, "stirfry vegetables" in a can, and baby corn. I bought BOGO sausages for now, and for later. I bought BOGO boneless pork ribs, and I bought BOGO meatballs made with the ground sausage meat we like.

     We came home after all that. Caleb unloaded the Mazda for me, so I could put away the groceries. I cooked him some meatballs with zucchini , squash and onion for dinner. He liked the meatballs.

      I tried to go to sleep early, but could not. I was too warm. So, I started the laundry in the washing machine. I told Caleb to get all the laundry together so everything could be washed. He did a poor job. 

     I got up now because I heard the dryer sound off, multiple times. So, I went to check the dryer. The clothes were not completely dry yet. 

     Today, I do not have any appointments, and neither does Caleb. I just went and moved the laundry around. Making progress!

     It is now 4:11 a.m. and I don't know what to do with myself. 

     Anyway, the struggle is real. Hopefully today will be easier as far as overcoming my nicotine addiction goes. I want to finally stay at home and get the laundry done. I need to tidy up the kitchen , and take a shower at some point.  Time for me for to go back to bed. I already took my iron pill and orange juice when I got up up around 11:00.  

5 Year Journal day 262

      Today's prompt is "A decision you made today ______." I decided to go right to bed after getting home from Caleb's therapy appointment.

     It is now 11:47 p.m. on Wednesday. I am awake because I got too warm, and needed to cool off.  

      Caleb woke me up before I was ready to get up this morning because he wanted me to give him screen time on his phone. Ugh. I got out of bed and after some time, began my morning routine. It wasn't long before it was time to get ready for my psychiatrist appointment online. The appointment went well, and then I had to clean the kitchen up a bit and make dinner for myself. I planned to make spaghetti stew in the crockpot. I also went ahead and made hard boiled eggs in the pot that I could not get the burned on food off of completely from the "non stick" surface. 

     Caleb made himself hot dogs for lunch and later on for dinner as well. Caleb had an appointment with his therapist at 2:30, so I hurried to get all the ingredients cleaned and cut up for the crock pot before we left. I had only a few minutes to sit down before we had to leave for Caleb's appointment. 

     I was so tired driving to Caleb's appointment that I wanted to pull over and take a nap. My body was heavy and I was sleepy. I struggled to make it back home, and when I did, I went straight to my bed to take a nap. 

     Even though I was tired, I could not sleep well. I laid down for about 2 hours and got back up to check on the food in the crockpot. I had to add the zucchini and squash at the last minute, so I would not over-cook them. 

     I went ahead and prepared my medications to take them after I ate dinner. Dinner was tasty.

     After I took my medications, I went back to bed in the hopes of falling fast asleep. I did not fall fast asleep though. 

     I do not know what is causing all this sweating on my body, but it is not hot in here. It's not comfortable at all. I just want to lay in front of the air conditioner to dry out. 

     Tomorrow we do not have any appointments, so I will be able to start the laundry and keep it going throughout the day. I need to wash my hoodie because I accidentally spilled food juices on it and it looks horrible. 

     I already took my iron pill and orange juice earlier. I am feeling more like going back to sleep now that I have been in front of the window unit air conditioner for a while. I need to refill my water before I go back to bed. 

5 Year Journal Day 261

      Today's  prompt is " What's you favorite snack food?" Artichoke hearts and hearts of palm and jalepeno stuffed olives.

     It is now 2:11 a.m. on Wednesday. Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up early and was able to pay the bills. I quickly deteriorated though, and after I had something for breakfast, and took my medications, I had to go back to bed. My body was heavy and sore and achy. I felt like I needed to recharge. Caleb and Bella slept in my bed last night, and I did not sleep well. 

     I stayed in bed until about 2:40 p.m., then got up to have lunch and get ready for my phone appointment with Dr. Karels. My appointment went well. She is a sweet lady. She celebrates my weight loss with me, and the lower overall blood sugar reports. She celebrates the no soda, and the weaning off of the e-cigarette. 

     I decided to go to Walmart after my appointment to make sure I had my snacks available in the pantry. I am eating artichoke hearts and hearts of palm as snacks because they are high in fiber and I like the way they taste.

     I bought some new toothbrushes, and some new tooth paste. I bought some dry powder spray to keep dry in my nether regions, creases, and folds. The new toothpaste is supposed to be able to remove up to 10 years of stains. I am here to test that theory! I hope it works. 

     I am now vaping 0mg/mL nicotine e-juice. So I am on the last leg of quitting. I don't know how I will react when my body figures out there is no nicotine in the e-cigarette. I hope I am ok though. 

     I have gotten behind on all my house work. I hope I feel better in the morning and throughout the day to be able to find my underwear, socks, and bras so I can wash them. I am out of clean clothes. Caleb needs to find his underwear and socks too. I wore a bra that I do not normally wear because it was all I had left, and needed Caleb to help me take it off at the end of the day, because it was digging into my skin around the bands. 

     I need to finish up watching that Marci Lock video because she is hosting a follow-up video on Thursday.

     I am anxiously awaiting my stimulus check direct deposit from the IRS. I need the money badly. 

     I was able to pay my bills. I have only one bill left to pay, and that has to be paid in person. It is the water bill. I still need to get my Mazda inspected , before I can pay the taxes and registration. I am waiting a few days more to see if the IRS payment comes in, so I will not be so broke. Right now, I have less than $20 to my name. 

     I made the final payment on my bed yesterday! It is now fully paid off and I have no more payments due on that store credit card!

     The bad news is that I am about to be about $100 less on my payday from VA because I removed my dad as a dependent. That means, I just cancelled out my hard work. I will not have an extra $100 a month to buy groceries or gas, or clothes, or whatever. I am in in the same predicament. 

     I am no longer going to buy e-juice, so that is roughly $110/month that I will not be spending, so I am saving that. Thank God. 

     Caleb and Bella were sleeping in my bed again tonight. Bella has a way of getting so close, nearly on top of me, and stretching, that pushes me off the bed. I always feel like I'm falling out of bed when Caleb sleeps with us, because I can only scoot so far into the middle without being close to him. I don't like being hot, and so I don't like being close and sharing heat.  

     Bella followed me out of the bedroom when I came to the computer.

     Today, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist online. Caleb has an appointment with his therapist in person in the afternoon. 

     I already took my iron when I woke up earlier. I have a hard time sleeping with Caleb and Bella in my bed. I cannot relax the same. I am running out of water, because Caleb drank all my Miralax water that I took to bed with me. I am not happy about it. That is prescribed to me because of my chronic constipation, and he just drank it because he was thirsty! He doesn't care that I need that! What an asshole!

     I am feeling pretty good now that I put the window unit on. I like the air blowing on me. I made myself some Propel and Miralax water. 

     So.. The envelope to my dad was delivered to his address on Saturday. I wonder if he picked up his mail yet. I wonder what he will think of the photos. 

     I am pretty sure we have no more appointments this week, after today. I am going to cook my spaghetti stew in the crockpot today. I want to do some laundry too. I might not get to anything else because we have to drive to Caleb's appointment, and when we get home it will be late. 

     I weighed myself yesterday after having a major bm, just to see. I weighed in at 313.8lbs.! It's so exciting! It's not for record though, so hopefully I can keep my digestive system clear so I can weigh in on Monday with something that low. 

     I could potentially be at or under 300lbs. in about 7 or 8 weeks! That would mean I have lost 10% of my body weight. 

     I gotta update my medical emergency sheet.

5 Year Journal Day 260

     Today's prompt is " What would you want to study at school?" Quantum healing.

     It is now 1:00 a.m. and we are in the middle of a thunder storm. I could not sleep because I was falling off the bed. Bella was on top of me and pushing against me. Caleb was sleeping soundly on the bed too. We just got through a tornado warning. I just saw lightning outside of the window. Thunder is really loud over the house. Bella gets nervous during thunder storms. 

     Yesterday I felt terrible after I dropped Caleb off at Alisa's. I was just soo tired and in pain. I went to take a nap after trying to watch the rest of the Marci Lock video, and just not being able to. I have been munching on food practically all day. I do not know why. This is not how I have been over the last few weeks. I have not been hungry. Yesterday, though, I could not get enough. 

     I went to pick Caleb up after a few hours. I could not rest the same knowing I had to get up to go get him. We went and put gas in the car, and came home. It was gray all day. I felt like shit. My body just hurt everywhere. Now, I see why. The thunderstorm was coming. 

     I got nothing done yesterday. I could not concentrate. I could not focus. i could not keep my eyes open. I was just needing to spend the day in bed. 

     Today, I have an appointment with Dr. Karels, the VA pharmacist who specializes in diabetes. I am sure she will be increasing my medication once again. My blood sugar has still been around 240 in the mornings, which is still high. 

     Other than that, I don't have much going on. That is the only appointment we have today. I hope I feel better so I can get some work done. I do not want to spend another in bed, but I will if I have to. I get to a point where it isn't worth the pain to be up and moving, and go and retreat to bed. It does not happen as often as it use to, but it does still happen. 

     Yesterday, I took a shower and was feeling pretty good being all nice and clean. I almost couldn't find underwear to wear. I need to wash laundry badly. I am using the Lume body deodorant, but I am finding that it is not an anti-perspirant. I need an anti-perspirant, not just a deodorant. I do not want to continue to sweat in my nether regions , creases, and folds. 

     I started using neosporin inside my right nostril. That is the side that bleeds and crusts over in big chunks, forcing me to pick at it to be able to breathe. Now, it is not in big chunks and I can breathe ok. It's been a long winter of dealing with that nostril. I have been sneezing and blowing my nose all winter. I have had post nasal drip and coughs of phlegm. It has been non-stop. Itchy, dry eyes too. 

     I finally changed the pieces to my CPAP last week. I really needed a new mask. No wonder I could not keep a seal. 

     I have not changed out my diabetic shoes for the new ones yet. 

     Seems like the worst of the storm is over. Caleb never even woke up. He must be really tired. The thunder was loud. Bella followed me out of the bed. She gets scared of the loud noises.

     So, some of the things Marci Lock said are that we have infinite abundance around us, and everyone can win. All we need to do is open up to the divine energy and receive what is waiting for us. Now, her retreat was 5.5 hours long, so obviously she says more than that. She also says the energy we put out into the universe, is the energy we will receive. If we are putting out guilt, shame, blame, or other negative energies, that is what we will receive. If we are putting out love, joy, gratitude, or other positive energies, that is what we will receive. Our energy cycles from us, and back to us. She is able to discern energies and light codes and portals and other things. She is able to channel, and receive downloads from the divine sources. She is trying to reach as many lightworkers as possible. 

     One of the things I got from the retreat was the correlation between manifestation and listening to one's heart. Another thing was to let go of everything that is not serving me. Let go of everything that is not of my greatest good. She mentions Isis, and other divine feminine energies. She mentions kundalini, shakti, and shiva. She talks about not comparing ourselves to others because we could never be someone else. We are each a unique individual. She talks about being in the present, not in the past, or in the future. Everything we want, we can have right now. We are love. Angels support us and want us to upgrade our existence into the 5D and beyond. She mentions ascended masters. 

     In any case, it's alot to take in. It's amazing to hear all of this from one person. I have been putting these things together since my early 20's in about 2003. I have a library bringing these ideas together. To hear what I believe coming out of someone else's mouth free from my input is simply amazing. 

     Anyway, I am ready to take my iron pill and orange juice and go lay down again. I am thirsty and have run out of water. 

5 Year Journal Day 259

      Today's prompt is "Who are the most important people in your life?" Caleb and Bella. Aunt Lisa and Mom. Granny and Pepere. Rachel and Stella. 

     It is now 10:05 a.m. on Monday. Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Caleb and I went to Walmart to grab a Valentine treat. I bought Caleb some candy. We came home and pretty much lounged around the house for the day. I bought steaks from Harris Teeter when we went the night before. I let Caleb know we would have steak for our Valentine's dinner. I called my Mom, Granny and Pepere. I also talked to my Aunt Lisa. 

     Oh! I had my first Reiki attunement at 11:00 a.m. yesterday. I was distracted by Facebook, but I felt the shift. 

     I had a video chat with some leaders of WoVen (Women Veterans Network). We had a good time. 

     Today is President's Day. 

     Today is also my weigh-in day. I lost weight! Yay! 

     I finally took a shower. Caleb is going over to Alisa's to hang out with her kids for a few hours today. I will probably get some cleaning done while he is away. I'm just taking it slow. 

     Saturday I tried to finish watching the rest of the Marci Lock video, and couldn't. It was a total of 5.5 hours long! I only made it through the first 1.5 hours, so I had 4 hours to go. Now, I only have about 1.5 hours left. Marci has so much energy, and I am so sensitive, that sometimes I cannot even look at her. LOL For reals. 

     I have not completed the video yet, but I might try to watch it while Caleb is playing at Alisa's. 

     I have not contacted Billy, and Billy has not contacted me.

     I am almost done with my last bottle of 3mg/mL nicotine e-juice. After that one is done, I am going down to 0 mg/mL nicotine e-juice. Once I finish those bottles, I am done. That's the end. 

     It was raining yesterday, and it is gray and gloomy today. 

     I have to get some laundry done and grab a snack!

5 Year Journal Day 258

      Today's prompt is "Who can help you?" Lightworkers and teachers of spiritual healing.

     It is now 3:16 a.m. but I have been up for some time now. Yesterday was busy, but in an unexpected way. I woke up around 5:00 in the morning, and Caleb woke up around 7:00. I decided we should go to Walmart to buy him some new underwear, since his old underwear was causing chafing. I also put together an envelope for my dad. It contains photos of Caleb and me from our photo shoot last summer. It also has a photo of my dad from when he was a teenager. Last, but not least, it contains the mail from my Aunt Lisa regarding my grandpa's estate. So I decided to look up his address one more time. He is listed as a dependent on my VA account. I found his address. 

     So we went to the post office, but the post office was closed. It would not be open for another 30 minutes. So we went to Walmart. I ended up buying much more than underwear for Caleb. I bought a small red mini rose potted plant for myself for Valentines Day. I bought a green primer to hide the facial redness I suffer from. I bought deodorant that I needed. I bought boneless, skinless chicken breasts and thighs. I bought my energy and electrolyte lemonade that I have waited for them to restock for about a week. I bought oranges. I also bought green beans and liquid dish soap.

     On the way back home, I stopped at the post office and mailed my dad's envelope.

     I didn't wait long before I decided to start making dinner. I made a crockpot dinner of boneless, skinless chicken breasts and thighs, green beans, yellow onions, half a red cabbage, half a Napa cabbage, and half a green cabbage, seasoned with Applewood rub, and cooked in water and extra virgin olive oil. It turned out good.

     I sat down and looked down, and saw the pile of books that I saved to give away. They were sent to my house for Harlee, but she no longer lives here, so... I gave them away to Everett, Alisa's little boy. I drove them over to Alisa's house real quick, and dropped them off.

     When I came home and sat down, I got a message from the pharmacy that Caleb's medication was ready for pickup. So I had to go out again. Caleb and I drove to the pharmacy and I listened to an Idlewild album on the way. I forgot how much I love that album. I sang nearly every song. It's been so long since I've heard those songs, I'm surprised I remember any of the words!

     I was watching the time because I knew I had a zoom meeting at 6:00 p.m. I did not want to wear myself out before then, and be too tired to participate in the live session held by Marci Lock. Dinner was cooking and smelling good. I had already accomplished alot. I did not have any motivation to clean up at all. 

     At some point I called the VA to remove my dad as a dependent on my file. I finally managed to get to talk to a person after a number of failed attempts to get through the automated phone system. I wanted to just submit the form online, but could not find a way to do it. I searched through all the available websites for veterans and there was no easy way to communicate my need to the VA. I was able to order refills of my medications, and submit my travel pay form though. 

     So I spent alot of time driving around, and being online yesterday. I got things done though. 

     Today is Saturday, and I do not know how today will go. I do not have any plans to do anything in particular. 

     Oh, I forgot to write about the Marci Lock zoom meeting! Well, it was pretty good. It was scheduled to last at least 4 hours, but I was only able to stay for 2 hours. I did not mind listening for that long to her at all, but Caleb was getting antsy and hyper, and it was time to get ready for bed, so I had to leave the meeting early. There is going to be a replay available today, so I am not worried. I made my presence known while I was there. I suffered chest pain, and ended up crying right from the beginning of the session. It was awesome. I could just feel her words impacting me. Some things are hard for me to accept because I do not hear them often. I need to be around more lightworkers, and have made some friends from the group. I am loved. I am safe. I am accepted. I am safe. I am safe. 

     It was like having been in a spiritual cave and having someone shine a flashlight on me after being in the dark for my whole life. It was freeing to be around so many people who were seeking the same things. It was freeing to be told that I am in a safe place with them. I hope to complete the rest of the session soon. I can't wait to heal inner self. I want to heal myself and move on. I want to learn so that I, too, can teach and lead people. 

     My chakras are so blocked. I am working on them with Melissa from the Magdalene Rose Temple through her meditations in the library. Melissa and Marci have very different styles and I think I can use that to my advantage to get what I need to make things happen a bit faster for me. I have waited so long to feel free within my body. I have been living outside of my body for a very, very long time. (Dissociation) I have felt huge amounts of bodily pain, mental suffering, and psychological traumas in my life over and over again. I want that to stop. I want to break the cycle. I do not want my child to suffer these things. I am determined to make it stop with me. I am doing my best to keep Caleb away from such things. I have already failed. My dad assaulted him twice by choking him. Christinia was abusive out o her own mental health problems. Travis was an asshole. Billy was an asshole. Mathew was an asshole. All my siblings have blocked me and/or just don't communicate with me, and therefor are not around to support us. 

     Being in physical pain was the reason for not living within my body for the last ... oh, I'd say 7 years or so. The mental torture I went through was not pleasant either. I had to deal with losing my son to emergency foster care when I was hospitalized. It took me years to recover from that. I thought things would never be the same. I thought I failed my son. I thought I would never be happy again. My heart was broken into a billion pieces and I had no way to put them back together again. I was soooo depressed and for years after I got Caleb back. Caleb was returned to my custody after many, many inspections of my home and mental health assessments through therapy and psychiatry. It took me about 9 months to recover my son. I was lost without him in my life. He was 4 when he was taken, and 5 when he was returned. He was still my baby. I cried so much. I would cry for days on end until I fell asleep, and then cry some more. I had to take a semester off from school because I could not function. I did not know how I would pay the bills since I would not have the housing stipend from the Post 9/11 GI Bill. I asked my dad and Sharon to come live with me because I could not live alone. I was miserable. Little did I know that they would make things worse. They told everybody that I was schizophrenic, which I am not, but even if I was, that is private information. Sharon was a nurse with a Master's degree in Nursing and working on her doctorate in Nursing. How could she be so callous to me , but not her patients? Why was I being treated like I was criminally insane in my own home? It was like they were alerting people to the danger of being around me, like I was contagious. 

     I was already in Hell, and they took it to another of level of Hell. I overheard them talking one night, when they thought I was sleeping in my room. They were talking about my ex-husband, Nigel. Sharon said "I can't believe she married a black man!" What the fuck? Whose business is it who I marry? And why not marry a black man? He was a good man to me for many years. 

     Then, more recently, I had to deal with them talking shit about me to the police- AGAIN. I say again, because they did that back in 2014 too. They did it the second time in 2019. They must have learned nothing. Other people can see they are not good people. I wish I did not love my dad, but I do. My dad raised me. My mom was not around for more than 10 years. Even then, I had to go to her. She did not come for me. 

     My mom sacrificed Mathew and Me to the Devil known as John de Mello. Because he raised me, I can not see the Devil, I see my dad. 

     Sharon never said anything to me about Nigel when I was dating him. As soon as my dad found out I was dating Nigel, and that he was born in Africa (Liberia), he had arguments that Nigel had AIDS. He knew nothing more about Nigel than he was a black man born in Africa. This is the type of bullshit I dealt with in my early 20's. I had to stand my ground to be able to date who I wanted. If I wanted to date a black man, in the year 2002, why shouldn't I? 

     It is now 4:40 a.m.

     Anyway, I am working on my Christ consciousness, healing, and enlightenment. SO fuck them! They can kiss my ASS! 

     I managed to survive my childhood, escaping to college, escaping to Nigel, escaping to the Army, escaping back to college, and I am now home. I am safe. I am alone. I am safe being alone. I am done running. I am done with the bullshit of John de Mello and Sharon Bauchat. I am DONE. 

     I am learning to be in my body. I am learning to ground and center. I am learning to be who I have always meant to be. 

     My relationships aren't broken because I broke them. They are broken because people want to believe their own lies they tell themselves, and I don't. They are broken because little people want to stay little people. They are happy being racist. They are happy being haters. I am not those things. 

     It's not a coincidence that I am doing better that they are not around. 

     I release the guilt, shame, and all bad feelings and thoughts about relationships that did not last, including the ones in my own family. Thank you for the lessons learned. I strive not to make the same mistakes again. 

     In other news, I managed to go the day without talking to Billy. I can't say I didn't think about it, but I didn't act on it. It's easier to help others from their outside, than it is to help myself from the inside. I have lived this way for so long, and it's hard to change. I give so much of myself away to undeserving people. I do not know my own worth. I want to value myself. I want to beam with light from inside. 

     I want my heart to fully heal. I want to feel safe. 

     I have just now been able to feel like there will be food available because the EBT deposit has increased due to Covid-19. I now get a Pandemic deposit in addition to my monthly benefit. 

     In a few days, I will make the final payment on my store credit card that I used to buy my bed. I am scheduled to have my Lowe's Home Improvement card paid off around July. I used that to buy my window unit air conditioner when my central air conditioner was broken on the hottest days of the year.  I also used it to buy a carpet cleaner to replace my 10 year old one, a medication chest of drawers, and a homeowner's tool set.

     I removed my dad from my VA compensation as a dependent, so I will be getting paid less in the future. That's not really going to help me. I would have done it sooner, but it didn't occur to me until yesterday. 

     Well, it's now 5:15 a.m. I haven't taken my iron pill and orange juice yet, so I need to go ahead and do that. I think I will watch some of my Reiki class while I lay down for awhile.  

5 Year Journal Day 257

     Today's prompt is "Write down a minor, but chronic, problem." Nasal congestion and bloody nose.

     It is now 4:36 a.m. here. Yesterday was a productive day for me. I woke up and remembered to take my blood sugar. I was slow in going through  my morning routine. Eventually I got up from my chair, and lit my blue candle for healing. I also lit some juniper and some sage. I then began to clean up around the kitchen. I gathered the dirty dishes, and began to pre-wash the dishes that go in the dishwasher. I fully loaded the dishwasher and started it. I hand washed almost all the other dishes. I am having trouble with a pot that I burned food to the bottom. I cannot seem to get all the burned parts off. There are also some water containers that need to be washed that I did not get to. I cleaned the awful disaster that was my stove top and oven door with soap and water. Then I used a clorox  kitchen spray to bring the original whiteness back and make sure it was disinfected. I got part of the counter top cleaned with soap and water, and then clorox kitchen spray too. I still have some things to clean, but it was getting late by that time, and I cleaned enough to be able to make dinner in a clean environment.

     I made a new dinner of half a head of green cabbage, half a head of red cabbage, and half a head of napa cabbage, with minced garlic, seasoned salt, black pepper, smoked sausages, cooked in extra virgin olive oil. I like it, but Caleb doesn't like the black pepper.

     Yesterday was the New Moon, so I did things to "Cleanse" the house, my energy, and my crystals. I am making room for good things to come my way. 

     Today I do not have appointments, other than the video call online at 6:00 p.m. I will likely continue to clean the kitchen until I can get it the way I want it. I am almost there. I need to wash laundry. I do not know where all our socks have disappeared to. I even had to buy more compression socks for myself. 

     I still need to go get the Mazda inspected so I can pay the taxes and registration.

     I bought more books the other day. I could not let them go. I could not walk away. It could be worse. Caleb has seen me reading the book, "Programming the Universe", and was curious about it. I should definitely be reading in front of him more often. He knows that I journal blog, and has seen me do that. 

     I worked on my budget spreadsheets. My federal taxes were accepted. I really need that stimulus check deposited. 

     I read the workbooks from Ethony's class for month 3 and month 4. I attempted to read the ebook from month 2, but was not interested in the way it was written, so I skimmed it. I have 3 ebooks to read from month 3, and I don't know how many ebooks from month 4. I have many videos to watch too. 

     So, today is the Marci Lock zoom meeting. I don't really know what to expect, but I am hoping it is worth my time. 

     Sunday, I have a Reiki session to enhance the learning I am doing on Udemy. I was hoping to have been able to watch more of the videos before Sunday comes. I don't know how far I will get. 

     I did finally get a response from Detective Higgins via email. He said he would follow up with Army CID and let me know. I am still waiting to hear from CID. 

     I haven't successfully made the call to New Hanover Regional Medical Center's billing office. These people have alot of nerve sending me letters, when the appointment was pre-approved by VA. I can't tell you how angry I get thinking of the stupidity that they don't know how to do their own jobs. 

     Caleb was highly O.D.D. yesterday. I had trouble getting him to take the trash out. SMH. It's a war with this kid sometimes. Anytime cleaning is involved it's a battle. 

     I only have 1.5 bottles of 3mg/mL nicotine e-juice left. I have a set of 0mg/mL nicotine e-juice for after they are empty. I expect to be fully done with my e-cigarette in a couple of weeks. 

     I am wide awake and do not think I will be able to go back to sleep. Maybe if I do some reading in bed. Anyway, I have to take my iron pill and orange juice. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 256

      Today's prompt is "What are you chasing at this moment?" I am chasing self-love and self-healing.

     It is now 2:52 a.m. here. Yesterday was my peace day. Caleb woke me up before I was ready to get up. After I had breakfast and took my medications, I read chapter one of "Programming the Universe" by Seth Lloyd. I then went to take a nap. I slept for a couple of hours and got up. I listened to the first of 5 coaching audio files by Marci Lock. That took an hour. I also updated my budget spreadsheets, and tried to figure out the best way to spend the stimulus payment that I should be getting soon. 

     After I wrote my blog yesterday morning, I read month 3 and month 4 of the workbooks by Ethony. I attempted to read the ebook from month 2, but just couldn't get into it. 

     Caleb let me be peaceful throughout the day. I took my own time doing things I wanted to do. At the end of the day, I ate dinner, and took my medications. I went to lay down in bed, and read chapter 2 of "Programming the Universe." I then went to sleep. Caleb brought his xbox one into the bedroom and was watching "Sci-Fi Science with Dr. Michio Kaku." I bought that DVD set when he was a little tike. He was much more interested in it now that he has seen several episodes of Star Trek : Next Generation. 

     I woke up a few hours ago and read the next chapter of the Empath book that I've been trying to finish. This chapter was about parenting as an Empath, and having Empath children.

     I listened to a Magdalene Rose Temple library meditation the first time I went to sleep, and the second time I went to sleep. 

     Today I am hoping to get some cleaning done. It has gotten pretty bad in here. I also want to get more reading done at some point. "I need input"- Johnny 5. 

     I need to listen to more of Marci Lock's coaching audio files before the 4 hour session tomorrow. 

     So, I have alot on my plate. I also need to watch the Reiki videos before Sunday's session. 

     I got another letter from the New Hanover Regional Medical Center billing office. These people must be idiots to not understand what a pre-authorization from the VA means. 

     I am really thirsty and have already run out of water. I've got to go ahead and take my iron pill and orange juice too.

5 Year Journal Day 255

      Today's prompt is "What advice would you give to a second-grader?" Read everything.

     It is now 4:20 a.m. on Wednesday. Yesterday was a tough day for me. Billy was scheduled to bring the truck back and turn it in, but never did. I called from about 2:00 p.m. to about 4:00 p.m. trying to reach him, and he never answered the phone, nor called me back. He did not text me nor message me on messenger. My anxiety was through the roof, and I was angry. I called around to see if anyone was available to help me go to Wilmington and pick the truck up. I called Carolyn Scott from Ocean View Untied Methodist Church and Warrior Ride. She was willing to help me. I drove us to Billy's house and found that Billy's phone was not working. The truck was empty. The house was full. He lost the truck key and we had to wait for more than 30 minutes for him to find that the key was in his back pocket the whole time. Carolyn drove the truck because she had more experience driving big trucks, and I just drove my Mazda. We stopped to put gas in the truck, and then turned it in. I gave Carolyn a bowl of my spaghetti stew to try. 

     Today, I am just going to take it easy and relax and rest. 

     I don't know if I wrote about chapter 4 , "Empaths, love, and sex." Basically this chapter breaks down the different types of intimate relationships an empath might find herself in, and how to best manage it. 

     Chapter 5, "Protecting yourself from narcissists and other energy vampires," is really what I needed to know as a young person. It details the types of people to avoid at all costs, and how to rebound from an emotional hangover.

     Chapter 6, "Empaths, parenting, and raising sensitive children" is next. I will probably read that when I go to lay down. I am right in the middle of the book, and it won't be long until I finish it. I will be glad once I get through the whole thing. I have other books I want to read, but feel this is the most important one. 

     I don't have much going on this week. I am going to a 4.5 hour zoom meeting on Friday night, and I am having a Reiki session on Sunday. I have no other appointments this week. I would like to catch up on some house cleaning while I am home. I would also like to catch up on reading and video watching for my Awakened Soul Coven classes. 

     I think I am going to do some of that reading now, since I am awake.

5 Year Journal Day 254

      Today's prompt is "This is utterly confounding _____." I can't think of anything right now.

     It is 8:06 a.m. on Monday. I just weighed in and have gained 1 lbs. It makes perfect sense since I had a bad week. 

     The day before yesterday was Saturday. I drove all the way to Wilmington to pick up Billy and Nikki so they could move Billy's stuff out of his house, only to be told that he was sick and not going to move stuff. So, I wasted 2 hours of my Saturday driving. I came home, and took a shower. I went to Walmart to buy groceries because I finally got the EBT deposit I was waiting for. Then I went to CVS to get Caleb's refills. We came home, and dinner was ready. I made ham and greens in the crock pot. We went to bed early to be able to try again on Sunday.

     On Sunday, we drove to Wilmington to pick up Billy, Nikki, and Robin. On the way back, we stopped at Walmart so Billy could buy some boxes. We also stopped at Harris Teeter for their $4.99 bucket of fried chicken to feed everybody. We got back to the house around noon. I needed a nap, and went to lay down. Billy, Nikki, and Robin got to work moving Billy's stuff out of the house. They worked until about 6:00 or so, when they finished. Billy drove the truck to his house in Wilmington, and they were supposed to spend the night unloading the truck. It happened to also be Super Bowl Sunday, so I guess Robin decided that was more important. 

     Now it is Monday morning, and we were supposed to turn the truck back in, but it is not unloaded. I am ready for this to all be over. I want to return the truck and be done with it already. 

     I have a dental appointment today, and also a MOVE follow up class call appointment. So, I have to drive to Wilmington again today. Ugh. So much driving!!! I will be glad to be back home where I can rest. 

     I am still tired. I kept waking up last night. I did not want to blog. I just wanted to sleep. 

     I bought my last batch of e-juice yesterday. It is 0mg/mL nicotine. 

     I have given alot of myself in trying to help Billy, and I don't expect to do it again. As a matter of fact, I am going to not be available to him after this. I am tired. I have things I want to do that are not getting done. I need to take care of myself. No one else can take care of me. 

     

     It is now 11:46 p.m. on Monday. I lost track of what I was doing and got sidetracked. Today was a busy day. I drove to Wilmington, and got there early, so I stopped at Billy's to see how much work was left. He was not even awake. It was after 11:00 a.m. when I arrived. He said there was alot left to move off the truck. 

     I then went to my dental appointment to have a filling replaced. A new big cavity was found. I am wondering how it was missed in the x-rays and the inspection I just had. My face was numb for some hours. We came right home after my appointment was over. I dropped Caleb off at the house because he need to use the bathroom, but I had errands to run. Billy gave me money to put on the credit card just in case he needed another day, so I had to go to Food Lion to buy a money order. Then I needed to put gas in the Mazda, and check the air in the tires. From there, I wanted to go to Walmart to buy some groceries. After that, I went to CVS to pick up Caleb's refill. Then I came home and was starving! My face was mostly back to normal and I ravaged the leftover ham and greens. I needed to eat right away because it was already 4:00 p.m., and I had not eaten anything for lunch.

     I began preparing my new creation of a meal. It is spaghetti beef stew. I am making it of stew beef, yellow onions, eggplants, portabella mushrooms, baby bella mushrooms, white mushrooms, garlic, Italian seasoning, extra virgin olive oil, spaghetti sauce, fire roasted tomatoes, stewed tomatoes, zucchini, and yellow squash. I plan to eat it without noodles, and with Italian blend cheese, Parmesan cheese, and maybe even ricotta cheese. Should be tasty and better than pasta! Lower carb for sure!

     It is 11:58 p.m. and I just finished making the spaghetti beef stew in the crockpot. Sponge Bob is on tv. Bella and Caleb are sleeping in my bed. I just got up to check the food. Bella was cuddling close to me. It's nice and cold in here, and cuddling is welcome. 

     I checked in with Billy about an hour ago. He thinks they will be able to unload the truck tonight. I do not know why he waits until the last minute to do things. It would have been much easier to move stuff from the truck during the beautiful sunny day we had. 

     I had a rough night. I Facetimed my mom, and got to see her cute new haircut, but it brought up my half-sister. After the phone call, I felt really down. I cried about the loss of my siblings from my life. I felt a heavy energy surround me as I cried. Apparently I needed to re-feel the loss to process where we are in our relationships. I don't know. I feel ok now. It's sad that we can't have healthy relationships. That is my brother, Mathew, my half-sister, Sherri, and my half-brother , Eric. That's all my siblings. None of them talk to me anymore, and two of them have blocked me. Add to that, losing my dad and Sharon, and it gets to be too much for me to bear. 

     I can't live for them. I won't try to fit what they think I should be like. I won't change my mind about hating Trump. I just think it's sad that I can't talk to my nieces and nephews anymore. What's worse, is that they don't care about Caleb at all. It really shows their true colors. I guess it was better sooner than later to find out who my true family is. 

     I have recently found Marci Lock in my newsfeed, and have enrolled in a workshop that takes place on Friday night. It should be interesting. It is about living a better life. 

     I am also taking a Reiki class that I bought more than a year ago on Udemy. I am going to have an appointment on Sunday for that class. I hope to learn more before that appointment. I have to watch the rest of the videos.

     Tomorrow I don't have any appointments, but I am still in the middle of this whole Billy moving out project. I am waiting for him to return the truck so I can move on with my life, and not have to think about this anymore. I have no plans, but that's because I don't know if the truck will be returned in the morning or not. If the truck is returned in the morning, I will take Billy back to Wilmington, and will likely drive him around to run errands while I am there, so as not to waste the trip. If the truck is not returned, I plan on staying at home and getting my chores done. 

     I did a meditation on Mary Magdalene last night, and something happened. I smelled flowers out of nowhere! It shocked me to into jumping up from my bed ! It just. I wasn't expecting it. It kind of scared me. 

     I need to spend more time on me, and not just surviving. I am trying to listen to the guided meditations at the Magdalene Rose Temple library every night. I do not feel I "get" them on the first listen. I will have to listen to them multiple times. 

     I am still behind on the Awakened Soul Coven readings and videos. 

     I did read a chapter of my Empath book the other day. 

     Some time this week I have to get the Mazda inspected so I can pay the taxes and registration. I need to wash laundry. I have to find where all of Caleb's socks went so they can be washed. I don't know where my socks went either! It's a mystery. SMH. The bathroom needs top to bottom cleaning. The kitchen needs cleaning. The living room needs tidying. We still have not moved the last 2 book cases to their proper location. 

     Well, I gotta take my iron pill and orange juice.  

5 Year Journal Day 253

     Today's prompt is " What comes to mind when you think of fear?" Hospitalization and inability to take care of Caleb and Bella.

      It is now 4:14 a.m. here. Yesterday was a busy day. I woke up at a decent time, and began my morning routine. I was waiting for Billy and Nikki to wake up. Caleb and I went to Food Lion to buy a money order so I could deposit the cash into my account. I finally found documentation at the USAA website that said I could deposit a money order using the app on my phone, just like I would a check. We came back home, and I began to clean up the kitchen a bit. I hand washed some dishes, and finished loading the dishwasher. I started the dishwasher, and began to sweep the floor. I picked up Caleb's trash he left on the floor, and began making a pile of junk to be picked up later. Billy finally woke up, but was not feeling good. It was raining outside and gray. 

     Billy was throwing up and agitated. He wanted to go home, and not work for the day. So, I started the laundry up, and took them to Wilmington. I had figured out how much money I needed to get from Jay and told Billy to contact him so he could write me a check. We went to pick the check up first. Then I took Billy and Nikki home. They took showers and I took them to Walmart to cash Billy's check. I brought them home, and Caleb and I were hungry. It was almost 2:00 p.m. We decided to go out to eat. We went to Hibachi Grill Supreme Buffet, and then we went back home. 

     When Caleb and I got home, I went to take a nap. I was tired and exhausted. Caleb woke me up around 6:00 p.m. and I took my night time medications. Caleb cleaned off some of my mix cd's I made back in 2003 that they found at Billy's house, and played them. 

     I didn't get any more cleaning done. I was just too tired. I wanted to go back to bed, but Caleb was highly energetic and wouldn't calm down. I didn't go to sleep until after 9:00 p.m., which is late for me. 

     Today is Saturday, and Billy only has until Sunday night to get his stuff out his house. I have to go pick Billy and Nikki up from Wilmington in the morning. I am not going to do any physical labor for him. I need to clean my own house. I get tired driving back and forth.

     Billy and Nikki stayed the night Thursday night. Billy woke up complaining that it was freezing cold in the house. Well, I woke up with my skin burning hot, so I changed the air from heat to cool. I can't make everybody happy. 

     I will be happy once the truck is turned back in and all this is over. It is causing me anxiety. 

     Today I hope to get more laundry washed, and get the kitchen cleaned up so I can make dinner. I want to make ham, greens, and black eyed peas. I won't eat the black eyed peas, because beans are high in carbs. 

     I plan on sleeping in and taking my time to go get Billy and Nikki. I need to take a shower badly. 

     I have been waiting since the first to receive my Pandemic EBT deposit, and have not received it yet. I am now glad I bought groceries when I did, because there really wasn't much food in the house. I have to have healthy options, or I get desperate and eat junk when I get too hungry. 

     I need to get my Mazda inspected. I will probably go on Tuesday. On Monday, I have a dental appointment. 

     Caleb has been helping Billy move his stuff onto the truck.

      Bella got a bath last night. Caleb has taken over giving her baths, so she gets them more frequently.

     I don't expect to lose weight this week, the way things have been going. I have not been eating according to my own standards. I need more vegetables.

     I was looking at all the courses I purchased a couple of years ago on Udemy, last night. I never started most of them. I am going to make more of an effort to try to complete some. 

      I am tired and need to take my iron pill and orange juice. I am going back to bed. 

5 Year Journal Day 252

      Today's prompt is " Who are you jealous of?" I can't think of anybody.

     It is now 1:46 a.m. here. Yesterday was alot of work. I was supposed to get up at 6:00 a.m., but I was soo not ready to get out of bed. It was very cold, and I was very tired. I set the alarm to 6:30 when it went off at 6:00. I stayed in bed until about 6:50. I just did not want to get up. We did not leave until about 7:45 a.m., when we were supposed to leave at 7:00. We were going to pick Billy and Robin up. We got to Wilmington around 8:50. When we got there, we found out that Robin wasn't coming, and that Nikki was. Soo.. Anyway, we all got in, took Billy to pay to his rent, and then drove back to Oak Island to pick up the Uhaul truck. On the way to Oak Island, we stopped at the Walmart in Leland. We got to the Uhaul rental place around 11:00. When I got home, I ate left over taco fajitas and went right to my bed. I was already exhausted and needed a nap badly. 

     Billy, Nikki, and Caleb all spent the daylight hours moving stuff from Billy's house to the truck. When it started getting dark, Billy realized he was not going to finish in one day, and needed more time with the truck. Then we had to try to figure out a way to put money on my credit card to cover the extra charge for keeping the truck an extra day. 

     Billy gave me cash to try to deposit to my credit card at Walmart. It did not work. My credit card would not accept a deposit. I accidentally withdrew $100 from my checking account , instead of depositing it. So then I had another problem on my hands, when my USAA debit visa would not accept a deposit either. I have automatic payments coming out of that account, and now I don't have enough money in it to cover the costs. After getting frustrated as Hell, not only at the Walmart customer service, but also at the local bank within the Walmart, I drove to Domino's. I was supposed to pick up dinner on the way home. I made the call to place the order on the way there. I picked up the pizzas and drove home. I came home to Caleb waiting. Billy and Nikki had gone to relax in the guest room. I wanted to eat and take my medications and go right to bed as soon as possible. 

     I ate my stuffed cheesy bread order. I took my medications. I made sure Bella got fed. I went to my bed to lay down. 

     I think I figured out how to get the deposit into my checking account. I found out that I can use Home Deposit to deposit money orders. So, in the morning I will go to Food Lion and buy a money order with the cash I have on hand now. Hopefully that will be the cheapest way to deposit money into my account. 

     Caleb just got up for some water. 

     Today, Billy, Nikki, and Caleb will be moving more of Billy's stuff onto the truck. I might have to go to Wilmington to get a check from Jay to reimburse me for paying for Billy's Uhaul rental on my credit card. 

     Yeah, just trying to figure out how much credit I have left, and how much Jay needs to pay me before the weekend comes. I can't be completely broke for the weekend. It's going to cause me all kinds of anxiety. 

     Caleb put the Smurfs on tv. Bella is sleeping on my bed. Billy and Nikki are sleeping in the guest room. I told them there was no point in driving all the way to Wilmington yesterday, just to have to drive all the way back in the morning. I mean, he gets charged for mileage used, so we want to limit how much the truck is driven. 

     Ok, well, I need to take my iron pill and orange juice. I am probably going to read another chapter of my book and go back to sleep. 

5 Year Journal Day 251

      Today's prompt is "What's the newest thing you are wearing today?" I am wearing a shirt I bought for Sharon that she never wore.

     It is now 2:48 a.m. here. I got up to make myself a water drink. Caleb woke up. Bella is laying in my bed. We have to get up at 6:00 a.m. this morning, so I hope I don't stay up too late. Yesterday was an awkward day. I could not myself to get up and do work. I was glued to my phone screen. I did eventually get up and start a load of laundry. I made Bella's steamed veggies, but I ended up burning the inside of the ceramic lined pot that I was using. It smelled so bad! I did not even realize that I had burned it, until it was too late. I have to throw that pot away, which sucks. Now I will have to buy another pot. Caleb wanted steamed sweet potato and carrots too. I made taco fajitas for dinner.  

     I really did not do much of anything all day. I just couldn't get away from my phone and did not want to get out of my chair. It was cold all day, and I did not want to turn the heat on. I was just chillin in my ruana wrap. 

     I got alot of work done yesterday morning before I got up for the day. 

     Yesterday I got the escrow projection statement from my mortgage company. I was so relieved to find out that my mortgage payment is not increasing this year. So relieved! OMG. The stress this time of year puts on me, between the escrow statement and tax returns. 

     I could really use that stimulus payment right now. I wish I could deposit this check, but I don't know how to undo my tax return and tell the IRS that I got the check. I don't want to create problems, so I will just have to wait. I still have not gotten my Pandemic EBT deposit, so I do not feel so bad about buying groceries on my credit card. I mean, I was feeling guilty like I should have just waited for the deposit, but I have no idea when the deposit will come! Shit! If I had not bought groceries, Caleb would have no bread to eat... I would not have had vegetables to make last night's dinner with. I had to do what I had to do. I hope I don't have to continue to live this way, now that I have made the final payment to that series of payments I owed. I will be paying off a store credit card this month. It is the card I used to buy my bed. The final payment is due mid-month. 

     I have projected that the next card to be paid off is another store credit card that I used to buy my household goods. I bought my carpet cleaner with it, and also my medication chest of drawers. It will be paid off this summer. 

     I was curious after a conversation with my Aunt Lisa, how much it might cost to move to New Jersey, so I googled moving companies for quotes. The company I spoke with gave me a quote of $4532.00 After chatting with Aunt Lisa I decided to look my house up on Zillow. The Zestimate for my house is $251, 514.00. I know, right. I couldn't believe it either. I don't think it is accurate. It was just 2019 when I had a VA appraisal done, and it was much less than that. I started looking around for houses close to Aunt Lisa too. It's a bit overwhelming, and I need to slow down. My anxiety is getting the best of e just thinking about all that is involved in moving. I hate moving with a passion. I wanted to plant roots somewhere and never move again, but it gets so hot here during the summer, and I have so much work to do on this house. If I could buy a new house, or a newer house with no problems, that would be a huge improvement, and I would have less to worry about. 

     I am just getting an idea of the possibilities. I don't know what I will end up doing. Having to get re-established in a VA clinic is not my idea of fun. Getting Medicaid and Food Stamps in another state is not my idea of fun either. I mean I just have so much established here. I don't ever want to have to go through that again. It's hard work! 

     Billy called me to ask me to get a uhaul for him. I told him that I couldn't because I don't have any money. He managed to get a uhaul with his own credit card. I will be driving it at least one time. I have to go pick him and Robin up at 8:00 this morning. That is why I have to get up at 6:00. We have to leave at 7:00. I have a morning routine I have to do before I can leave the house. I have to eat a breakfast and take my medications. I have to make my water drink and give Caleb his medications. I have to let Bella outside and make sure she has water. 

     I am relived to have President Biden in office. My days are not so filled with anxiety. Trump was bad for me. 

     I have not been reading my books. I really want to read them but feel the pull to work on the house and do chores. Damn! Today is already Thursday! I'm losing track of time. I fell behind because of helping Billy and also because of getting sick. I feel like I lost alot of time, but I only took Wednesday off. Today, I will be busy during the morning, but I will come home after getting the truck to Billy's house next door. I will be home for most of the day. I do not know if I will have any energy to get anything done. I might just have to go back to bed. I don't know yet. 

      Caleb has quieted down and hopefully gone back to sleep. I took my iron pill and orange juice when I got up earlier, so that is already done. I guess I could go back to bed. I will take my book to bed with me, and see if I can get through a chapter or so. 

5 Year Journal Day 250

      Today's prompt is "What was the last online video clip you watched?" I watched one of the guides to the Magdalene Rose Academy.

     It is now 4:23 a.m. and I have been awake since about 12:30 a.m. I have been working on different things. I began by watching/listening to Melissa on one of her guide videos. I got up to use the bathroom, then came back to the bed to cuddle with Bella boo boo. I felt too awake to go back to sleep, so I came out here to the common area where my workspace is, and began catching up on some work. I semi-organized my documents, so it's no longer a huge stack of papers. I went and updated my Bills spreadsheet for this month, and created the spreadsheet to forecast next month. I created a list of due-in deliveries that I am expecting. I also created a list of "Issues" that I have going on, and may or may not need my intervention. The time has flown by. I have been busy. I am not tired, but I kinda do want a snack. I can't eat anything though, because I have to take my iron pill and orange juice on an empty stomach. 

     A little while ago I emptied out the very last of the 6mg/mL nicotine e-juice into my e-cigarette. I am now vaping the 3mg/mL nicotine e-juice. I felt kinda weird at first. I didn't think it would make me feel any kind of way. Hmm...

     Today is Wednesday and we have no appointments. I hope I can get some more rest before dawn, and wake up energized. I could really use the boost to get chores done around here. 

     Billy is going to beg me to help him with moving his stuff out of his house. I am not going to give in. I am disabled, getting over a sickness, sensitive, a mother of a home-schooled child, and a pet parent. I have things I have to take care of just to stay afloat. I have given him my last. I can't "help" him anymore. I mean, I gave up whole days to make sure he was taken care of. I'm not doing it anymore. He needs to find people who live closer to him to help him. He made the decision to sell his house, so he knew he would have to get his stuff out of the house. I'm not stupid. I'm not jumping through hoops to help him when he created the chaos. There was no reason to rush into selling his house. Somebody's else's bad decision making and lack of leadership does not constitute my personal emergency. I'm sorry. 

     Yesterday we went to Walmart and bought more groceries than I planned. I spent money that I did not have, and had to use my credit card to pay. I could not wait any longer for the Pandemic EBT deposit. I have no idea when I will get. I don't get it on the same day every month. There is no way to track it. I'm on a specialized diet, and require certain foods to help me get healthy. I can't not have my food in the house. 

     We got home, and I realized I forgot to buy a lighter. I had to run out to Publix to buy one. While I was there, I was looking around. I was curious to to see if they any no-carb or low-carb bread. They did not. I ended up looking to see if maybe they had any in the freezer section. While I was there, I looked at the ice cream selection. I wondered if they had anything good for diabetics. I found Rebel ice cream! I could not be happier! I bought a few to keep in my freezer. When I was burning up the other night, I wished I had ice cream to make my milk shake with. Now I have several different flavors! Man were they expensive for such a small container! Holy crap!

     Caleb has Sponge Bob on the tv, and is sleeping on the couch without the cushions on it. SMH

     Bella just came out of the bedroom a few minutes ago. 

     When I got home, I had a small dinner of artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and garlic stuffed olives. I took my medications, and put away the groceries from Walmart. I then went ahead and started moving stuff around the kitchen. It's such a disaster area with so much junk on the floor. It's ridiculous! I feel like  just cleaned there! Ugh! I hand washed some dishes, and began loading the dishwasher. I threw away alot of trash that had just been left for someone to clean up. I ended up throwing away that taco seasoned chicken and broccoli. I really didn't like it enough to eat leftovers. I won't be doing that again. I cooked up my future breakfasts of hard boiled eggs. I made Bella's good food dinner of beef liver, veggie and ginger and kibble mix for her. I haven't been regular about that. When I don't feel well, she only gets the kibble. I wonder if she realizes that I still love her even when she doesn't get the good stuff too. 

     I was waiting for my Aunt Lisa to give me a call. I went to lay down and rest, and ended up falling asleep. My back hurt pretty bad. 

     I would like to get some laundry done today. I would also like to get the kitchen cleaned up so I can cook dinner. I need to clean up the bathroom badly. It has been left in Caleb's hands and is also a disaster. 

     I would like to pick up my book and read it. I feel like it's been a long time since I last read anything in it. 

     I guess I'm ready to take my iron pill and orange juice and head on back to bed. 

5 Year Journal Day 249

      Today's prompt is "Today you learned ____." Today I learned that I might be able to afford to move closer to my Aunt Lisa.

     Today is Tuesday, February 2, 2021. It is 12:18 p.m. I know, it's amazing, right? I'm blogging during the day time. Well, I got sick last night, and was vomiting while I was driving home from Wilmington. Let's take a few steps back. Actually, let's go back to Sunday night. I had a bad health night. I had gas coming up, I had gas going down. I vomited in my mouth. I have chronic conditions that can have these kind of effects on me, so I just went to rest, and didn't give it another thought. 

     Monday morning I woke up and took my glucose. I did my morning routine , and gave Caleb his medications. I was feeling antsy, like I needed to go out of the house and do something. I was feeling stir crazy. I thought of what I could do and what I needed to do. I figured I would go to Harris Teeter in Leland, about 40 minutes away, to get their stew beef meat on sale BOGO free. I love their stew beef meat, and it is my preferred meat to cook with. The last day of the sale is Tuesday, and I knew I had to take Caleb to 2 appointments in Shallotte on Tuesday afternoon, and would not want to drive in the opposite direction to go get the meats. So, it was decided, we were going to go out and buy the meat on sale. 

     Before we left, Billy got in contact with me. His aunt died the night before, and he needed to get clothes to wear to the funeral. I was planning on driving towards Wilmington anyway, so I agreed to take him where he needed to go. Caleb and I drove to Wilmington, and got there after 2p.m. We picked Billy up, and took him to pick up his check. Then we went to Walmart. Caleb said he was hungry, so I was going to buy a snack for us from within. Upon entering the Walmart, I saw a sign for the specials at the Checkers fast food restaurant right there. I decided to get us some sandwiches from there. Caleb and I ordered the 2 doubles for 5 deal. Caleb had a double cheeseburger, and a double fish sandwich. I had a double chicken sandwich, and a double fish sandwich. I thought it was good. I was feeling kind of strange before eating. I felt like a dropping sensation within my core. I figured it might be to due to low blood sugar. 

     Caleb ate half of each of his sandwiches, but he did not like them because they had mayo on them. I ate all my food. Billy goes to Walmart to cash his checks. Anyway, after we finished there, we walked back to the van. Caleb and I waited for Billy to finish doing what he needed to do. Then we drove him TJ Maxx to buy clothes for the funeral. He came out to the van with all this bullshit that had nothing to do with going to the funeral. I was getting hot from waiting in the van. It was gray and gloomy outside. The sun was not out. I had the temperature set to 60 something for Caleb to stay warm. My face was getting bright red. I was getting tired of being there. I waited for Billy, and was losing my patience. He had gone and ordered wings to pick up on his way out of the store. TJ Maxx is on a strip mall. Anyway, he brings his shit to the van, and then goes to pick up his wings. 

     After that, he needed to go to the bank. After the bank, he needed to meet up with "Nikki", whose legal name is Amber Alease Duncan. Anyway, that was irritating because she is ... well, not my type of people, let's say that. I don't want to be around her. Then I took him to Food Lion to buy some groceries. I could not wait to leave Wilmington. It was getting late, and getting darker. He knows I do not like to drive at night. Some bullshit that I had to drive home in the dark. 

     I stopped at Harris Teeter on the way home and grabbed my meats and some veggies. I just bought enough to get me through the week, without buying alot of stuff. I am waiting for the Pandemic EBT deposit to get the rest of my groceries that we need. I did not want to spend all my cash. 

     I was not feeling the greatest. I noticed that I was still too hot, even with the air conditioning back on. We got to one of the back roads , away from Highway 17, on the way home and I almost hit a small deer that was crossing the road! OMG! It was raining and dark, and I did not see it until I was right there in front of it! About 15-20 minutes later down the road, there I am getting nauseous and watery mouthed. We are less than 10 minutes from home, and I am vomiting in my shirt and driving in the rain and dark. Caleb screamed "Pull over!" but I couldn't manage to pull over right away. I scared the shit out of him, I'm sure. Once I started vomiting, I couldn't stop. My eyes were on driving, and I pulled over as far to the right as I could. I was still on the road. There was no traffic, thank God for that. My shirt was soaked, but at least I managed to not vomit on the Mazda. I felt so sick. We drove home, and I slowly got out of the Mazda. I felt the liquid and chinks fall from my chest to the ground as I opened up my shirt from the bottom. Caleb was totally grossed out. 

     Caleb walked me to the back door and told me to take my dirty clothes off outside, so we didn't have to smell the funk inside the house. It had stopped raining. I took off my shirt and shook out the chunks. I took off my bra and let the liquid fall from my chest. Caleb walked me to the shower, so I could wash off. He turned the water temperature to warm, and not scolding hot, or freezing cold. I undressed the rest of my clothes, and got in and washed off. 

     After washing off I went right to my bed and laid down to dry off. It didn't take long for me to get up and throw some clean clothes on. I was going to just go to sleep, but Caleb kept me up. I didn't trust that I could take all my night time medications and not have any problems. I did not trust that I could eat food which is a pre-requisite to taking my night time medications. I spoke to my Aunt Lisa on the phone for a little while, and decided that I was ready to try to eat a little something. I went out to the kitchen and realized that there was nothing to snack on in the pantry, in the fridge, nor in the freezer. Ugh. Luckily I bought some low carb tortillas from Harris Teeter while there, and I thought I would just eat that with a little low fat cottage cheese. It was ok, not bad. 

     I went back to bed. I still did not trust to take my medications, but did not want to give up hope on being able to take them because my diabetes medications are included in the lot. I went to bed for a couple hours and got back up again, hungry. This time I decided to try ham and Swiss cheese tortilla roll up. It was good and heavier than the snack before. I ate enough to be able to stomach all the pills I normally take at night with dinner, so I went ahead and took them. I went back to bed, and did not get back up until Caleb woke me up early this morning. He wanted me to give him screen time on his phone. He then wanted to make some fish fillets in the oven. He wanted to see me eat. So I was up for about 30 minutes. I went back to sleep after I ate though. It was too early for me to be up.

     I finally got out of bed around 8, I think. I was feeling fine, not queasy or anything, so I did my normal morning routine. I took my glucose, and had to take my iron pill and orange juice close to when I ate breakfast because I did not get up without eating during the night/morning hours. 

     It is now 4:28 p.m. I got pulled away for drama that has nothing to do with me happening next door, at Billy's house. Anyway, I just got back from Walmart grocery shopping. I did not get my EBT deposit like I hoped, but did not want to wait any longer to get food into the house. I ended up having to pay on a credit card to buy groceries, because I did not have enough cash to pay the total due. Sucks. 

     After waking up this morning, I called Caleb's psychiatrist's and therapist's office to find out how to handle his appointments he had today. I did not want to expose them to whatever was making me sick. It was decided that we would a doxy.me online video call appointment. 

     Anyway, he had both his appointments online this afternoon. They both went well. That was really all we were scheduled to do today. I wanted to get some laundry done and just be at home. I was not sure if I could get moving to clean the kitchen, although it desperately needs it.

     I got Caleb to unload the dishwasher and put away the dishes in the strainer yesterday. I might be able to pull myself together and straighten up the kitchen a little bit. I have to put the groceries away. Caleb brought them in the house without argument, so that was nice. 

     Billy is trying to drag me into helping him move his stuff out of his house, and I really don't want to be a part of it. He wants me to drive all the way there, and pick him up, drive all the way back here with him and get a Uhaul truck. Then he wants me to drive the Uhaul truck to his house. After he loads the truck, he wants me to drive it somewhere in Wilmington. I guess I would then drop him off? And return the truck back here? That's alot of back and forth to Wilmington and I'm not having that. It's like he doesn't even care that I got sick after being around him all afternoon yesterday. Fuck that. I just did everything he needed to do, to the point that I had to drive home at night in the dark and rain for an hour, and he didn't even give me a whole $20 for gas. 

     His accountant told him he had this week to get his stuff out of his house, and he has 2 weeks to get his car. I guess the house is being sold all of a sudden. Anyway, I'm done. I'm finished. I am worth better treatment. 

     So the drama from today is that Billy's accountant had people come to Billy's house to clear it out today! That's fucked up. How are you going to say he has a week and not even give him a whole day before paying someone to clear his shit out of the house? I never liked Jay B. Maready. He is the shadiest person I know who works in the accounting field. 

     I let Billy know people were at his house taking shit to the dump. I don't know how he is paying Jay to be his accountant and yet, Billy is not the one making the decisions. 

     Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

     Anyway, I guess I should get to work or something around here. The laundry needs to be done, and the kitchen cleaned. I really need to clean the bathroom at some point in the near future. 

     Oh! I don't think I wrote about my weigh in on Monday. I am almost down a whole 20lbs! Alost! Sooo close! Woop woop!

     One more thing before I go, I am almost done with the 6mg/mL nicotine e-juice. I will likely finish it today. The next bottle is going to be 3mg/mL nicotine. Sooo.... Here we go! I hope I don't lose my mind! I want to quit! I want to quit! I want to quit! Let it be so!

     It is 4:57 p.m. and I have a little get up and go to get a little bit of stuff done today.