Saturday, February 13, 2021

5 Year Journal Day 258

      Today's prompt is "Who can help you?" Lightworkers and teachers of spiritual healing.

     It is now 3:16 a.m. but I have been up for some time now. Yesterday was busy, but in an unexpected way. I woke up around 5:00 in the morning, and Caleb woke up around 7:00. I decided we should go to Walmart to buy him some new underwear, since his old underwear was causing chafing. I also put together an envelope for my dad. It contains photos of Caleb and me from our photo shoot last summer. It also has a photo of my dad from when he was a teenager. Last, but not least, it contains the mail from my Aunt Lisa regarding my grandpa's estate. So I decided to look up his address one more time. He is listed as a dependent on my VA account. I found his address. 

     So we went to the post office, but the post office was closed. It would not be open for another 30 minutes. So we went to Walmart. I ended up buying much more than underwear for Caleb. I bought a small red mini rose potted plant for myself for Valentines Day. I bought a green primer to hide the facial redness I suffer from. I bought deodorant that I needed. I bought boneless, skinless chicken breasts and thighs. I bought my energy and electrolyte lemonade that I have waited for them to restock for about a week. I bought oranges. I also bought green beans and liquid dish soap.

     On the way back home, I stopped at the post office and mailed my dad's envelope.

     I didn't wait long before I decided to start making dinner. I made a crockpot dinner of boneless, skinless chicken breasts and thighs, green beans, yellow onions, half a red cabbage, half a Napa cabbage, and half a green cabbage, seasoned with Applewood rub, and cooked in water and extra virgin olive oil. It turned out good.

     I sat down and looked down, and saw the pile of books that I saved to give away. They were sent to my house for Harlee, but she no longer lives here, so... I gave them away to Everett, Alisa's little boy. I drove them over to Alisa's house real quick, and dropped them off.

     When I came home and sat down, I got a message from the pharmacy that Caleb's medication was ready for pickup. So I had to go out again. Caleb and I drove to the pharmacy and I listened to an Idlewild album on the way. I forgot how much I love that album. I sang nearly every song. It's been so long since I've heard those songs, I'm surprised I remember any of the words!

     I was watching the time because I knew I had a zoom meeting at 6:00 p.m. I did not want to wear myself out before then, and be too tired to participate in the live session held by Marci Lock. Dinner was cooking and smelling good. I had already accomplished alot. I did not have any motivation to clean up at all. 

     At some point I called the VA to remove my dad as a dependent on my file. I finally managed to get to talk to a person after a number of failed attempts to get through the automated phone system. I wanted to just submit the form online, but could not find a way to do it. I searched through all the available websites for veterans and there was no easy way to communicate my need to the VA. I was able to order refills of my medications, and submit my travel pay form though. 

     So I spent alot of time driving around, and being online yesterday. I got things done though. 

     Today is Saturday, and I do not know how today will go. I do not have any plans to do anything in particular. 

     Oh, I forgot to write about the Marci Lock zoom meeting! Well, it was pretty good. It was scheduled to last at least 4 hours, but I was only able to stay for 2 hours. I did not mind listening for that long to her at all, but Caleb was getting antsy and hyper, and it was time to get ready for bed, so I had to leave the meeting early. There is going to be a replay available today, so I am not worried. I made my presence known while I was there. I suffered chest pain, and ended up crying right from the beginning of the session. It was awesome. I could just feel her words impacting me. Some things are hard for me to accept because I do not hear them often. I need to be around more lightworkers, and have made some friends from the group. I am loved. I am safe. I am accepted. I am safe. I am safe. 

     It was like having been in a spiritual cave and having someone shine a flashlight on me after being in the dark for my whole life. It was freeing to be around so many people who were seeking the same things. It was freeing to be told that I am in a safe place with them. I hope to complete the rest of the session soon. I can't wait to heal inner self. I want to heal myself and move on. I want to learn so that I, too, can teach and lead people. 

     My chakras are so blocked. I am working on them with Melissa from the Magdalene Rose Temple through her meditations in the library. Melissa and Marci have very different styles and I think I can use that to my advantage to get what I need to make things happen a bit faster for me. I have waited so long to feel free within my body. I have been living outside of my body for a very, very long time. (Dissociation) I have felt huge amounts of bodily pain, mental suffering, and psychological traumas in my life over and over again. I want that to stop. I want to break the cycle. I do not want my child to suffer these things. I am determined to make it stop with me. I am doing my best to keep Caleb away from such things. I have already failed. My dad assaulted him twice by choking him. Christinia was abusive out o her own mental health problems. Travis was an asshole. Billy was an asshole. Mathew was an asshole. All my siblings have blocked me and/or just don't communicate with me, and therefor are not around to support us. 

     Being in physical pain was the reason for not living within my body for the last ... oh, I'd say 7 years or so. The mental torture I went through was not pleasant either. I had to deal with losing my son to emergency foster care when I was hospitalized. It took me years to recover from that. I thought things would never be the same. I thought I failed my son. I thought I would never be happy again. My heart was broken into a billion pieces and I had no way to put them back together again. I was soooo depressed and for years after I got Caleb back. Caleb was returned to my custody after many, many inspections of my home and mental health assessments through therapy and psychiatry. It took me about 9 months to recover my son. I was lost without him in my life. He was 4 when he was taken, and 5 when he was returned. He was still my baby. I cried so much. I would cry for days on end until I fell asleep, and then cry some more. I had to take a semester off from school because I could not function. I did not know how I would pay the bills since I would not have the housing stipend from the Post 9/11 GI Bill. I asked my dad and Sharon to come live with me because I could not live alone. I was miserable. Little did I know that they would make things worse. They told everybody that I was schizophrenic, which I am not, but even if I was, that is private information. Sharon was a nurse with a Master's degree in Nursing and working on her doctorate in Nursing. How could she be so callous to me , but not her patients? Why was I being treated like I was criminally insane in my own home? It was like they were alerting people to the danger of being around me, like I was contagious. 

     I was already in Hell, and they took it to another of level of Hell. I overheard them talking one night, when they thought I was sleeping in my room. They were talking about my ex-husband, Nigel. Sharon said "I can't believe she married a black man!" What the fuck? Whose business is it who I marry? And why not marry a black man? He was a good man to me for many years. 

     Then, more recently, I had to deal with them talking shit about me to the police- AGAIN. I say again, because they did that back in 2014 too. They did it the second time in 2019. They must have learned nothing. Other people can see they are not good people. I wish I did not love my dad, but I do. My dad raised me. My mom was not around for more than 10 years. Even then, I had to go to her. She did not come for me. 

     My mom sacrificed Mathew and Me to the Devil known as John de Mello. Because he raised me, I can not see the Devil, I see my dad. 

     Sharon never said anything to me about Nigel when I was dating him. As soon as my dad found out I was dating Nigel, and that he was born in Africa (Liberia), he had arguments that Nigel had AIDS. He knew nothing more about Nigel than he was a black man born in Africa. This is the type of bullshit I dealt with in my early 20's. I had to stand my ground to be able to date who I wanted. If I wanted to date a black man, in the year 2002, why shouldn't I? 

     It is now 4:40 a.m.

     Anyway, I am working on my Christ consciousness, healing, and enlightenment. SO fuck them! They can kiss my ASS! 

     I managed to survive my childhood, escaping to college, escaping to Nigel, escaping to the Army, escaping back to college, and I am now home. I am safe. I am alone. I am safe being alone. I am done running. I am done with the bullshit of John de Mello and Sharon Bauchat. I am DONE. 

     I am learning to be in my body. I am learning to ground and center. I am learning to be who I have always meant to be. 

     My relationships aren't broken because I broke them. They are broken because people want to believe their own lies they tell themselves, and I don't. They are broken because little people want to stay little people. They are happy being racist. They are happy being haters. I am not those things. 

     It's not a coincidence that I am doing better that they are not around. 

     I release the guilt, shame, and all bad feelings and thoughts about relationships that did not last, including the ones in my own family. Thank you for the lessons learned. I strive not to make the same mistakes again. 

     In other news, I managed to go the day without talking to Billy. I can't say I didn't think about it, but I didn't act on it. It's easier to help others from their outside, than it is to help myself from the inside. I have lived this way for so long, and it's hard to change. I give so much of myself away to undeserving people. I do not know my own worth. I want to value myself. I want to beam with light from inside. 

     I want my heart to fully heal. I want to feel safe. 

     I have just now been able to feel like there will be food available because the EBT deposit has increased due to Covid-19. I now get a Pandemic deposit in addition to my monthly benefit. 

     In a few days, I will make the final payment on my store credit card that I used to buy my bed. I am scheduled to have my Lowe's Home Improvement card paid off around July. I used that to buy my window unit air conditioner when my central air conditioner was broken on the hottest days of the year.  I also used it to buy a carpet cleaner to replace my 10 year old one, a medication chest of drawers, and a homeowner's tool set.

     I removed my dad from my VA compensation as a dependent, so I will be getting paid less in the future. That's not really going to help me. I would have done it sooner, but it didn't occur to me until yesterday. 

     Well, it's now 5:15 a.m. I haven't taken my iron pill and orange juice yet, so I need to go ahead and do that. I think I will watch some of my Reiki class while I lay down for awhile.  

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