Monday, February 22, 2021

5 Year Journal Day 265

      Today's prompt is " Where do you think your road is going?" Towards better health and inner peace.

      It is 10:55 p.m. now. Caleb wanted me to write my blog because he is having a hard time going to sleep. He took his night time medication which helps him sleep, but he is still wide awake. It feels warm in here. 

     Today I was like a zombie. I was tired because I did not sleep well last night. I coughed all night long, and it kept me from sleeping. I tried to get in the mood to work by lighting a candle and some yerba santa. I also eventually  lit some incense.  I was slow moving and and just  blah. I tried to stay awake all day and make the most of the day so that I could sleep well tonight. I had a 2:00 p.m. online video meeting with WoVen leaders (Women Veterans Network). We talked for a couple hours and I ended up opening up about my MST (military sexual trauma). The conversation started with asking about the new baby that is due, and led to us each of us describing the births of our children. After I told the story of Caleb's birth, I just felt led to tell them that I do not know who Caleb's father is, because they were both married when they had their children. It was just me with the leaders in the video chat, Terri and Michelle. They were both very supportive. I had forgotten about that I filed a report with the police at the beginning of January, and was waiting to hear from CID (Army Criminal Investigation Division). I remembered during the conversation with them and followed up with Detective Higgins via email. They said I should reach out to the MST coordinator and support at the VA clinic, so I sent a secure email message to Dr. Hueholt, my psychiatrist, to be referred to them. 

     We bonded over the fact that each of us had suffered MST.  They told me that they would support me through whatever I may go through coming up in relation to the investigation and trial. They also said that a win for me, is a win for not only us (the group), but for those other women out there who suffered and are not able to pursue justice. 

     When we ended the video chat, I just wanted Domino's delivery for dinner. I had no money, so I asked my Aunt Lisa to send us money due to the circumstances. I just wanted to eat my feelings.

     The food arrived quickly and was delicious. I  took my night time medications, and went to bed soon thereafter. Caleb did not let me go to sleep like I wanted. He was hyper and wanted to play and would not leave me alone to sleep. 

     It is now 11:33 p.m. here. Saturday was not as productive as I would have liked either. I started laundry on Friday and continued washing laundry throughout the night because I woke up around midnight, and could not go back to sleep. I got alot of laundry done. I began cleaning up the trash in my room, that I had by my bed. I filled a trash bag, and still did not get all the trash up. It's not all my fault. Caleb brings in trash and throws it on the ground and does not throw it away where it belongs in the trash. 

     We went to Walmart to return a set of pajamas I bought, but could not afford. I ended up buying green onions, celery, BBQ sauces, and seasoned salt while I was in there. I ended up cooking boneless pork ribs in the crockpot in Carolina cooking BBQ sauce. Caleb did not like it. He does not like the sourness caused by the vinegar in it. He prefers sweet BBQ sauce. It's a good thing I bought him his own BBQ sauce to put on his ribs. He enjoyed them then. 

     Caleb is starting to settle down now. He is being quiet. He found an Indiana Jones marathon on tv last night, and was able to record the movies on the dvr. He wanted me to lay down on the couch with him and watch movies with him, but I was tired and just wanted to lay down in my bed. 

     I just did not physically move much today. I got nothing done at all. I'm ok with that, but I could have spent the day in bed if I had known that I wasn't going to work on anything. 

     I don't have any appointments coming up this week, and neither does Caleb. I plan on taking it easy. I have more laundry to wash. I want Caleb to clean his bedroom and put away all the clean laundry I washed for him. I also want him to find the rest of his white socks. I did find my compression socks, and they are nicely washed and put away now. I want to move some stuff around in my room. Bella's crate is in set up in my room from when the air conditioner went out and I wanted to protect her from the hottest days of the summer by keeping her in my room where I set up fans and a portable air conditioner. Anyway, it is blocking the chest of drawers in my room, and I cannot get to my clothes in there. I am sure that by now I can get rid of alot of clothes stored in there because it has been so long since I accessed them. 

     I also want to move the smaller two bookcases in the living room to where I want them and set them up the way I want them. Caleb's books need to be moved to the larger bookcase. I still need to empty out the china cabinet of what is left in there. I have to put away the books I got for Christmas, along with some other knick knack type stuff I have collected in a crate. I want to go through my medication drawers to make sure I am not keeping stuff we don't need. I need to put together the small night stand sized chest of drawers I intend to use for my medication cabinet. I still have not put together the carpet cleaning machine either. I have not put away my new homeowner's tool set. I am giving up on the idea of building a life raft out of Gatorade bottles, and so we are going to just recycle all the bottles we have collected so far. They are everywhere and driving me nuts. 

     I need to go through the stuff on the porch before it gets too hot to be outside again. I doubt the stuff out there has survived the weather of the last year, but just to be sure I am not throwing away important stuff... 

     I want to get the floors cleaned up so that I can use the carpet cleaning machine  I bought last year to clean the carpets. I still need to clean up the kitchen, but that is a never-ending battle. I want to get my filing cabinets organized so they are being used efficiently. 

     The singing bowl I ordered arrived the other day, I have not opened the package yet. I was not ready to open it when it arrived. I do not know where I will keep it so that it does not get broken. It is tuned for the root chakra, which deals with feelings of safety. 

     I am in need of more white sage smudge sticks, and Indian temple incense sticks. I hope to be able to buy some soon. 

     I gotta update my health notes real quick.

     So I was able to get the Mazda inspected on Friday, and also pay the taxes and registration. I had a hard time last week with the switch to zero nicotine e-juice. The first and second days were the hardest to not fall into the trap of going to the vape store and buying more e-juice with nicotine in it. Day 3 was easier by far.  I think today, now Monday morning, is day 5. I had trouble with  the coil I was using and it burned my throat. So I coughed alot and now have lost my voice. The CPAP really aggravates the situation by pushing air through my nose that irritates my throat. 

     I'm not really talking to Billy anymore. It is allowing me to work on my own stuff I have going on. It's much easier to help someone else, rather than help myself. I have to work on myself though, if I want to get healthier.  

     I gotta fix something with one of my credit cards. I still need to take my iron pill and orange juice. I think Caleb fell asleep. Well, he just woke up. Damn.  

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