Family Gathering

     It is now 2040. I am awake because my pain is too much to be in bed. I had to get up and come to my chair to sit down and try to wait for the pain to fade. It was a busy day today. I woke up around 0630 and started my day. I took my medications and supplements like normal. I woke Caleb up to get my gallon of water from the Mazda for me. I use it to make a gallon of Gatorade Zero which helps me take my medications and supplements without tasting them. 

    Caleb had his breakfast and took his medications. Then we started to prepare for my stepbrother, Brian, and his family to arrive. The house is nowhere near clean enough to be having guests over. I was worried. Caleb and I were cleaning this morning, but didn't get much done. I wanted to have the carpets cleaned before they arrived, but never got around to it. I was happy to see Brian, Sarah, and Amber! 

    Brian had a heart attack earlier this year. I was worried about him. He showed up smiling and we had a good time. I'm so happy they came over. Nana planned lunch in advance for me to pick up an order from Lowe's Foods, so I didn't have to cook! Lunch was delicious.

    I felt badly because I had to excuse myself before Brian and his family left. My back hurt so badly, I was tired and Diet Mountain Dew wasn't enough to keep me awake, and my nervous system was overstimulated. I crashed in bed after excusing myself, and just zonked out with Bella next to me. 

    Now my pelvis is hurting. I'm hoping that sitting here and writing this blog will be enough to put me back to sleep.

    Tomorrow Mike is coming to visit me. We are planning on going to the beach together. It's not far from my house. I just want to lay on the beach and listen to waves with him. 

    I think I am ready for bed. Christmas is near. It is Monday and tomorrow is Saturday. 

    I'm ready to lie down. My bed is calling me. I'm exhausted. Nuerodivergence definitely applies to me. It was too much for one day. I went off my diet today again. I had a cheat day yesterday and today. I wanted to eat what everybody was having for lunch. Nana ordered rotisserie chickens, chicken salad, red skin potato salad, pita chips, pimento cheese dip, a fruit bowl, and cheesecake. I cut up some broccoli and cauliflower I bought earlier and served it with my artichoke jalepeno dip. It was all delicious!

    I spoke to Amber about her plans for school. She is in homeschool right now, and is a senior. I told her to start applying for scholarships now, and mentioned the FAFSA. Amber went with me to pick up the food for lunch, and I couldn't stop talking to her. She was quiet. 

    It was just good to feel like I am a part of a bigger family. It's been so long since I've seen any of my family. I feel so alone alot. I'm glad Nana is here with me, so I feel alone less frequently.

    I'm ready to go to bed.

    Goodnight!

Doing better

     Yesterday was a productive day. I was able to get my Christmas cards mailed out. Then Caleb and I went to Walmart to buy Nana a new heater. We came home after filling the cart. Lol whoops! I was hungry and made myself a sandwich. I was struggling to stay awake, but I had a Reiki appointment to prepare for. I was on the Reiki Zoom call when I got the text message that the plumber was on the way over. I had to reschedule the Reiki appointment so I wouldn't be interrupted during the session. I did not know when he would arrive, but I knew when he arrived that I would have to stop what I was doing and guide him to the bathroom and tell him about the problems we were having. After rescheduling the appointment and handling the plumber visit, I went to rest. When I got up, I did not have the spoons to make dinner. Meaning I had no energy, and I was in pain all over. I had hot dogs for dinner. 

    Earlier in the day, I spoke with the Social Worker from the Wilmington VA primary care office. She helped me find out what help is available through VA. I will be getting a package to create my advance directive and living will. She will be sending me a list of local food banks that I can use if I need to. She is sending my primary care a request for the HISA grant for home modification so that I can get a walk-in tub. She is sending my file to the Fayetteville VA  for approval for home health aid services. 

    The day before yesterday was Tuesday. I was able to take a shower in the morning before our appointment with the middle school principal. We made it to our appointment early. The appointment went well! I felt seen and heard regarding my concerns for Caleb's attendance. I feel like we work together well. Caleb's application for enrollment was approved later that day. He will be attending 8th grade for the rest of the year, and attending high school next year! We will create a new IEP for him. I am excited for Caleb!

    On the way home, we stopped at Walmart and bought some groceries. We came home and had lunch. I think I took a rest. I got up and cleaned in the kitchen to get some dishes pre-washed for the dishwasher, and other dishes handwashed. I made burgers for dinner. They turned out good!

    Monday I got paid and paid some of the bills. I made sure to pay the water bill in person, and while I was there, I stopped at the police department. I got a copy of the report cover from when I reported the rape in order to submit it to the VA for my aid & attendance file. I went to Amsterdam Life and bought another bottle of ejuice, and I went to Food Lion for a few things. 

    A few days ago I chatted with a woman named Jenna, and we have been partnering to help build eachother's businesses. 

    Today is Thursday and the social worker from CPS is coming to introduce me to the new social worker from in-home services that is taking over. We haven't gotten the carpet cleaned yet, but we had to buy the shampoo yesterday, so... I needed the shampoo but didn't have the money to buy it until yesterday.

    Brian, my step-brother is expected to arrive tomorrow for a visit with his mother, Nana. I would like to have things in order and cleaned before he arrives. It's still a bit of work to be done. 

    The other day, I messaged Mike when I saw that he was online. He has moved back to where he was. He is going to come visit me on Saturday. We are going to sit on the beach and listen to the waves for awhile in the sun. 

    I was able to purchase Caleb's IXL subscription to help him catch up to where he is supposed to be. I am thankful for that! I was also able to buy the dog food I needed to buy for my beloved fur babies. I am grateful for that too!

    Thank God for $0.25/lbs turkey or we wouldn't have dinner! I'm so thankful!

    I have a few more days before I have a conversation with Larisa Gosla about certification in Vocal Resonance Method. I have to watch the rest of the videos over again and take notes. 

    I have to watch the Revelation Breathwork videos again and take notes from them too.

    Right now, I am more focused on keeping food in the house for us to eat, and getting the house cleaned up.

    If you are reading this, keep us in your prayers!

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Recovering

     Yesterday I focused on getting some things done. I worked on Nana's laundry and also my VA Aid & Attendance application. I spent a few hours trying to get things right to submit my application, but I am not done yet. I still have more evidence to upload. Nana's clothes are all dry now. I folded the clothes when they came out. I am waiting for Caleb to empty the dryer of her second load of laundry so I can fold them too. I washed dishes, loaded the dishwasher, and cooked dinner yesterday. The night before I was too tired to cook. I was too ... something.... to eat a meal. I only ate a slice of keto bread to take my night medications with. I ate ham and cheese later in the night. Yesterday I made the ham with collard greens, kale greens, sweet onions, and red bell peppers. The ham was pre-glazed, so I did not add seasoning to the mix. It turned out tasty though. I am looking forward to eating leftovers tonight. 

    This morning it is raining and dark outside. I went back to lay down with Bella for awhile this morning after I took all my medications, supplements, Kratomade for my pain, and Hape' to feel better. I just feel like staying in bed today. I don't have to cook anything for dinner tonight. I only used about half the ham I bought for last night's dinner. The other half will be heated in the oven with cloves over it. It's nice to have more than one meal type of meal with the meat I buy. 

    I still have a young turkey thawing out in the fridge that will be ready to cook soon. I am so blessed that I was able to buy food discounted. I would not have been able to afford it otherwise. I am so grateful to be able to feed my family good food.

    I am running a special for 50% off my one-on-one Reiki sessions that I do via Zoom call currently. I am hoping I will make some sales. I know times are tough for everyone right now. They are tough for us too. We are just trying to make it. 

    I made it through yesterday without taking a nap in the hopes that I would sleep through the night because I would be so tired. I woke up once I think, to use the bathroom, and went back to sleep. 

    I am using Reiki to help me get through some hard times. I am dealing with trying to prove who Caleb's father is. He has refused to take a paternity test in the past. I believe he is trying to do the same thing now. I don't want it to be the only thing I am thinking about, so I use Reiki to try to heal myself from the trauma he caused that I live with on a daily basis.

    I find myself tired all day long. I am drinking diet Mountain Dew to try to stay awake during the day. Winter has been hard for me for as long as I can remember. There is so much darkness, and the days of daylight are so short. It really has an effect on me. 

    I am trying to put my energy into celebrating the holiday season. I like to have holiday foods. I was blessed with being chosen by 2 veteran groups to support my son for Christmas. I can't afford to buy him anything as far as gifts. I can't even buy food right now. I am really struggling financially. Those 2 veteran assistance groups are going to buy gifts for Caleb so he has something to open on Christmas morning. I am so blessed by these groups this year! I could not provide for Caleb's gifts at all this year.

    I have been trying to run my business, but I am not getting customers. I don't really know why not. I have advertised and boosted sales posts. I have purchased help to bring web traffic to my website. I don't know what I am doing wrong, but I might be out of business soon. I am going to keep trying until I reach the point where I have to renew my LLC with the state. If I can't afford to do that because I am not bringing business in, then what am I supposed to do about it? If I can't , I can't. It breaks my heart. It is the only thing I can afford to do that allows me to work from home, on my schedule, part-time, and with all the accommodations I need to be able to work. I'm very disabled. I can't work otherwise. 

    I have someone wanting me to give her a class, but I don't have it set it up yet. I haven't gotten that far. I need to review the material so I can teach it fully. I need to find out how much to charge and how much each lesson takes. It's a blessing! I just need to work it out so I can offer the classes. I began working on an app so I could provide training to people on their schedule. I have to create the videos before I launch the app. I haven't been able to get that far yet. I have to have a good day where I am able to create the videos first. Then I need to edit the videos as necessary. I have never done that before. It might be worth it to have someone help me with it. I am not in the habit of creating videos, but I need to be. I am slowly moving towards making more videos so people can see me and hear me and sense my energy.

    I am still taking classes that I have started, but not finished. I completed the Reiki Master training last year, but there are other things I want to offer too. I completed the Revelation Breathwork training last year too, but I want to refresh my memory because it has been a long time since I have practiced it. I am completing the Vocal Resonance Method now. I will be done certified soon to teach and facilitate. I am grooming myself to help people in a multiple of ways. I want to help others. First I am seeking for things that work for me. I am healing myself first, then mastering the methods to help others. I am taking classes so I learn how to do it myself, and train others. It is going to awesome! I still having classes that I have not really started yet like Yoga Therapy.

    I was asked if it was ok for my step-brother to visit on the 22nd. I said yes, but I don't have a guest room for him to stay. I want to have the carpets cleaned before he comes to my house. I got the carpet shampooer put together by Tyrone when he was here last week. I have to learn how to use it properly. I need to find the manual. 

    I will be working on laundry again today. I am far behind because Caleb collected his dirty clothes on his floor for forever, and now his whole wardrobe needs to be cleaned! I am thinking about what I will do when the laundry is going. I might spend time trying to wrap up the Vocal Resonance Method training. I only have until the end of the month before I have the test phone call with Larisa Gosla to show her that I embody what I learned and get my certificate.

    I have an appointment with Cheryl Hanson this afternoon about the AO scan app. She is going to teach me how to use it from home, and has offered me a free 3-day pass to learn everything and use it as much as I want! It's going to help me so much right now. I really need help. I have been praying alot.

    I thank God for the people who care enough to read my blogs. For so long, I had no one to read. I was completely isolated in my own little world. Just dealing with stuff completely on my own. 

    Thank you for reading. Keep us in your prayers. Take advantage of the 50% Reiki session sale. Have a blessed day!

    

Newsflash

     Yesterday I received an email from my child support case worker to confirm that a photo that was attached to the email is Jamie McCurry, the suspected rapist who impregnated me while I was serving in Korea in the United States Army. I confirmed it was him. He looks alot different now than he did back then. It has been 16 years since I was impregnated unknowingly. I found out I was pregnant when I was already 7 months pregnant. It took a lot of work to get this far. I did not know who the father was. I was, at the time I was asked by a nurse if I knew I was pregnant, separated from my now ex-husband, and dating Jonathan Rivera. Naturally, I thought Jonathan Rivera was the father because we did have sex one time. 

    Years later, I found out that Rivera was not the father through a paternity test that he paid for. Caleb looks nothing like him. I did not know who Caleb looked like. A white man. I tried to research my notes after Caleb was born. I assumed by his size that it had been a full-term pregnancy. I worked out that 9 months prior to his birth was February 2008. I could not recall any times having sex. How did I get pregnant? Who is Caleb's biological father?

    I found my pocket calendar that I kept notes in. It showed that in February I was at Camp Casey, Korea for PBUSE training. I know that I met someone while I was there. I could not remember more than having a drink or two. Did I give consent to have sex? Was I drunk? What happened? I did not even remember the name of the soldier who was stationed there that I met. He was in the Army. He was with 2ID. I could not recall anything about him. I never saw him again. I never spoke to him again. When I figured out it was likely his baby, I tried to figure out how to contact him. I had no way to search for him because I could not recall his name or identify any features. I could not report it as rape. It did not occur to me that I had been raped. I was so confused.

    I gave birth with the help of my battle buddy, Christinia. She held my hand while I pushed Caleb out. Rivera arrived the next day thinking he was going to see his first child. 

    I felt like I could not tell anyone that I did not know who the father was. I felt so guilty. I knew I would be called a whore. 

    Thank God for my First Sergeant at the time. She helped me find housing off post. 

    I have been through so much with Caleb as a single mom with no child support. Should I press charges? You might be asking how I figured out it was Jamie McCurry who impregnated me without my consent. It was because when Caleb was a toddler I bought an AncestryDNA kit for him, along with other brands of DNA testing. I have been waiting for a close family member to match his DNA all this time. Some years ago Billy Honey, Caleb's second cousin reached out to me. Together we found that his cousin was stationed at Camp Casey during the time I was impregnated.

    I reached out to Jamie McCurry. He denied knowing me, even with photos provided that were of me back then. DNA doesn't lie though. I asked him to take a paternity test and refused. 

    Here we are now, probably more than a year of waiting for child support services to locate Jamie McCurry and have him take a paternity test. Caleb turns 15 years old in a couple of weeks. All this time I have been parenting alone, with no child support, and only with my disability payments to make it through. The time has come to set things straight. I am ready. 

    I can't begin to explain all the energy I felt yesterday when I got that email. I don't know where in the process the state of Arkansas is. I know that their interstate child support services handed the file over to the legal department. I don't know any more details than that. If Jamie McCurry is not the father, he should be more than interested in proving it. It's not like it costs him anything. 

    I'm so over waiting. I want this to end. I need child support. I can't buy enough groceries to feed us. I'm trying to expand my business by learning new services I can provide from home. It's taking longer than expected to get things set in place. I am doing everything alone and by myself.

    I pray. Please God help us. It has been 16 years since I was pregnant with a man's baby that I do not even know. Let us find justice somehow.

    I've been through so much that I need to heal from. So has Caleb. 

    If you are reading this, I ask that you keep us in your prayers. We need all the help we can get.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day.

Let the good times roll

     Yesterday was a productive day. I got up and found out that I needed to go to Walmart for some laundry cleaning supplies. Caleb and I went and I was able to buy a second young turkey for only $0.25/lbs! I bought a 15lbs. turkey for less than $4.00! The one we are still finishing as leftovers has fed us for 3 or 4 nights now. My prayers have been answered! I am able to feed my family healthy food that is in line with my doctor prescribed keto diet at an affordable price, AND it tastes good! Thank you God! I am really struggling to get my business up and running on a regular schedule. I need all the help I can get to bring food into the house to feed the 3 of us. I don't meet requirements to get food stamps, because the state of North Carolina changed the regulation regarding my VA disability payments... so now, even though nothing else has changed, I make too much money for food stamps. The thing is my VA disability supports me, not my whole family. I am not getting child support from Jamie McCurry, the soldier who raped me. I don't even think the state of Arkansas has made connection with him yet, even though they report that the case has been moved to their legal department. I'm 15 years overdue for child support! You wanna know I struggle all the time? Ask that veteran who won't take a paternity test to prove that he is not the father! I'm supporting both me and Caleb and sometimes even Nana on my disability income. I really need to get customers coming to make appointments. I don't know who I can trust to make that happen. I have used marketing services for web traffic, advertising, and followers. I've gotten no paying customers from those investments I made to get my business going! 

    I have alot of classes to work on. I only have until the end of this month before Larisa Gosla ends my access to her classes. I need to record them because my memory is so bad. I have to watch the videos over and over and take notes. 

    I have an appointment with Cheryl Hanson this weekend. I also have an appointment with Chris Roberts this weekend too.

    I have a doctor's appointment this morning, and a phone call appointment with my pharm-D at the VA clinic this afternoon. 

    We are going to finish the turkey tonight. There is just a little left. Tomorrow I will make the ham with collard greens, kale greens, spinach, sweet onions, and red bell peppers. Half will go in the veggie mixture before I cook it, and half will cook in the oven with cloves. 2 different tastes from the same ham! I am excited!

    I got all my photos downloaded from icloud and uploaded to my external hard drive. I feel better knowing that is saved in multiple places now. 

    I want to find the photos of my dad and upload them to his memorial site. Now it will be easier to do, from my computer, rather than from my phone.

    I didn't sleep well last night. I was super thirsty. I was too warm I guess too. I went to bed in my flannel shirt because it is soft and cozy. I think eating gravy was probably not a good idea. I had gravy on my turkey last night. It tasted good, but I think it made me crave sweets. I got up late and had blueberries with sugar-free cool whip and a no sugar added klondike. 

    Nana had her recliner put together by a guy named Chris. He is a veteran too! His wife has a baby due in February! How exciting! We weren't ready for him to bring the recliner inside because he arrived at 11:00am and we weren't expecting him until 12:30pm. He was patiently waiting and talking with me. It was cool to talk to another veteran.

    My outlook on life has shifted ever since Carla and Tyrone helped us clean up on Sunday. Having a cleaner house feels so much better! Now if I could just get caught up on all this laundry that needs to be cleaned. I still have to shampoo the carpet in the living room, hallway, and Caleb's room. I'm hoping that will refresh the house quite a bit.

    I have an appointment with the South Brunswick Middle School principal on Tuesday morning to talk about where Caleb should enroll. They are concerned because of his age, and think he belongs in 9th grade. Caleb is delayed and barely ready for 6th grade. I told them this along with his diagnoses of Autism Spectrum Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder , and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. So let's pray that we come to a conclusion at the end of the appointment. I really want to keep Caleb at home, because I take him with me everywhere and I feel safer with him with me due to having a history of seizures. If I have a seizure, he can get help for me, and let someone know what is happening. I won't be all alone out in the world with no one knowing what is happening. 

    IXL, the curriculum I wanted Caleb to use costs $200/year. I don't have the money to spend right now, and I don't know if I can afford to purchase the subscription when I get paid. Times are hard right now. I'm overextended and in alot of debt. I wish there was an easy way to get customers to schedule with me. It's really the way I can work. My calendars are synced with the heal.me app. Those available time slots are the only times I can work. It's hard to be this disabled and need a job to pay the bills at the same time. I can't hold a regular job just because of all my medical appointments. Also my chronic pain prevents me from working closeby at the grocery store or something. I have to figure this out. Christmas and Caleb's 15th birthday is coming up. I have less than $20 to my name right now. It's going to be a small Christmas, and an even smaller birthday celebration. I'm doing the best I can do. 

    I love our dogs. I don't want to have to give them up because I am struggling financially right now. I don't want them to go hungry either.

    I've been working on my VA Aid  & Attendance claim. It's alot of work, but I don't want to leave anything out. I have to check my doctor's notes from the past year or so to make sure I'm claiming everything that has been found recently. I need help around the house and can't afford to pay people to help me clean right now. I was doing that at one time, but now all my credit cards are maxxed out. I've got no credit left. 

    Nana is going to help me with my VA claims process by writing up her point of view as a retired Master's degree prepared nurse and stepmom who lives with me currently. I want to ask Christinia is she would be willing to help me by writing up a lay person statement as to what happened when I was pregnant in Korea. I don't know if she knows enough to help me. I was very talkative back then. I was scared of everything. I didn't know how I ended up pregnant! That wraps up a major cause of my PTSD. That's just one cause, but that's the big one from my Army years. 

    I'm trying to come up with a new schedule for myself. I feel so all over the place all the time. Christmas is around the corner and I haven't mailed cards yet. It's something I like to do every year.

    I've got to get Caleb's morning meds ready and get ready for my OB/GYN appointment this morning. 

    Oh! I found out why my PT through community care got cancelled. They say there is no clinical indication to continue physical therapy services! WTF? It's helping me manage my chronic pain and they argue it's not used for that! I hate the VA system sometimes.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

    

A good day

     Yesterday was a good day! I started at 0700, and did most of my morning routines before having to go to Caleb's therapy appointment. Caleb's therapy appointment went well. I praised Caleb for his work on cleaning the house, and making me a cup of coffee when I wasn't feeling well. I told Ms. Carol, his therapist, that I began Caleb's enrollment packet for public school since he is not cooperating to do homeschool. She was happy about the things going on in a positive way for us, including that Caleb is not being taken away.

    After Caleb's therapy, we went to Lowe's foods to buy the herb plants I wanted to use to make the young turkey I bought at Walmart for $0.25/lbs. I paid only $3.90 for a 15 lbs. young turkey. I bought Sage, Thyme, and Rosemary. I knew my buggy had more than $35 worth of groceries in it, so I wanted to take part in the ham sale. The ham was on sale for $0.97/lbs. if I spent more than $35 on other groceries. We bought the ham, and I was happy. 

    We came home after that. I wanted to start the turkey, but Lowe's Foods did not sell the popsicles Nana eats on a regular basis, so I had to go Food Lion first. I decided I wanted to buy collard greens, kale greens, and spinach to cook with the ham. I bought cans of black eyed peas, pinto beans, and light red kidney beans for $1 per can! I had too much in my buggy at the checkout . I wanted to buy more than I had money for, so I had to put some back. I got what we needed though.

    I came home and began prepping the turkey. I cooked it on top of sliced lemons, with fresh sage, rosemary, thyme, minced garlic, and unsalted butter on top. It smelled so good while it was cooking! It turned out really tasty, and I am so happy about it. 

    I have been struggling financially since before I got scammed out of $500. It's hard to put food on the dinner table these days. Everything is so expensive! I was just so happy to make a meal that would last more than a day. I wanted to cook green beans too, but was too tired by the time the turkey was done. I will make them today. 

    While the turkey was baking, I reviewed what documents I have left to upload for Caleb's enrollment packet. I made an appointment with Caleb's doctor to fill out one of the forms required. I also went and reviewed my VA Aid & Attendance application to see what I have left to do. I scheduled an appointment with my primary care physician to fill out my form. I also began downloading the photos from my iCloud account so I could save them to my computer. I want to save them to my external hard drive too. Just in case something happens, I don't lose all my photos from years of taking photos. I also created another folder of my notes from papers I had on my table that I need to refer to.

    So it was a productive day. My back hurt when I lied down for bed though. I forgot to use my back brace. Thank God for Reiki! It helps me relax so I can go to sleep.

    Sunday was a good day too. Carla and Tyrone came over to help us catch up on our house cleaning. Tyrone put together the carpet cleaner and the vacuum for me. Carla cleaned the kitchen. I spent the time together organizing my piles of documents I had in my workspace. I created a new binder for my medical stuff, and got everything to fit into a foldable box I normally use for groceries. I am so grateful for Carla and Tyrone's help! I gave Carla a copy of the 3 books I contributed to, and a new necklace I originally bought for myself but realized I would never wear it. I gave them a wine rack that I don't use anymore too. 

    It was a hard day on my body on Sunday because of the weather. It was dark and raining most of the day. Non-sunny days cause me more pain. I don't remember what we ate for dinner.

    Oh! I almost forgot that Sunday morning I woke early and did day 3 of Chris Robert's training. I have finally completed the training! I have an appointment with him coming up this weekend I think to discuss next steps.

    Saturday I woke up early too and completed day 2 of Chris Robert's training. 

    Friday I woke up in the middle of the night and did day 1 of Chris Robert's training. It is energetic clearing that he focuses on. It was awesome, but left me in alot of pain. I know I released alot of energetic blockages just from how I felt during and afterwards.

    Friday night I made the chicken thighs and green beans, I think. Saturday night we had leftover chicken thighs and asparugus for dinner.

    I woke up in the middle of the night both Friday night and Saturday night. My GI tract was hurting and I had to use the bathroom really early. I ate summer sausage both nights that did not agree with me.

    The last few days I have been weighing in less than 300lbs! Today my weight was 298.7lbs! I have now lost about 30lbs this year. I am so happy about that! It takes me so long to get this diet right. I really struggled all year long with my grieving process and missing my dad and emotional eating. I'm glad to be getting healthier finally. I can't wait to wear my smaller clothes!

    Today Nana has someone coming to put together her recliner in her room. I will have to help create space for it before the person comes over.

    Things are looking up. I am behind on my credit card and loan bills. I want to figure out how to get my business up and going where I have regular customers. I don't know what I am doing wrong.

    We were chosen by Minority Veterans of America for their Christmas gift program, so at least Caleb will have something this year. I am struggling to buy groceries, so I cannot afford gifts. I am so grateful for being a part of Minority Veterans of America! 

    I had to reschedule my appointment Cheryl on Sunday for next Sunday. I was exhausted by the time she was available last Sunday. 

    I have to find someone to remove the trash off my porch. I don't have money until next week, but that needs to get done. 

    I am supposed to get a CCA from Coastal Horizons, but I would rather wait to be seen where Caleb has his therapy done. 

    I still have to do the vacuuming and carpet cleaning in here. I found some new stuff on facebook that might helps remove odors, but I don't have the money for it yet. 

    I am steadily trying to get my workspace cleaned up and organized. I just have no space in this small house for all this stuff. LOL I love to collect stuff.

    I am hoping that when Caleb goes to school I will be able to start reading my books and taking notes. I have a library in my house of books I want to read. I'm all about learning new stuff!

    I don't know what else I am going to get done today. I am trying to catch up on doing the laundry.

    I am trying to quit vaping, but it isn't easy. It's easier now that I'm not living under the thoughts that my son is being taken away.

    Well, time to get started on stuff over here.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Something Different Today

     Yesterday was a different kind of day. I started the same time as usual, 0700, when my alarm went off. I got up and decided to listen to Melanie Beckler's angelic initiation. I listened to that, and then I went on to do the first day of Chris Robert's training. It was a complete energetic clearing video. It was long, but boy was it worth it! I felt good during the video and after the video. I then started completing Caleb's school enrollment packet online. There was alot to fill out. When I was done with that, I was hungry for lunch so I ate a sandwich. After eating, I was tired. I went to take a nap. I did not get back up until 1630. I got up and began to wash dishes and load the dishwasher. Then I began cooking dinner. I made baked chicken thighs and green beans for dinner. It was a productive day!

    It is now 0351, and I have been awake for about 20 minutes or so. Caleb has been waking me every few hours. I don't think he has fallen asleep yet tonight. Today I am going to do day 2 of Chris Robert's training. I might watch another of Melaine Beckler's angel videos too. I am trying to quit vaping, but it does not seem like the right time. I have so much work to do, and dad's death day is coming up. So is Christmas.

    I think I will wait until after New Year's to quit vaping. It's just that I do not have the money to keep buying e-juice. I currently have no money at all. Nana has given me money to buy groceries. I am broke until I get paid later in the month. 

    It is soo early! I can't believe I am awake. I had to get up to use the bathroom, and then get something to drink.

    I think Caleb is looking forward to going back to school. I have failed him so deeply. My health just isn't good enough to homeschool him with all his issues. He drains the life out of me with his bad attitudes and argumentativeness. I can't get him to do even the simplest of things without an argument. I hope he does better in public school. I thought I could get a grip over his behavior, but I haven't. Life moves so fast, and I am moving so slow. I cannot keep up with all the work that is expected of me. I am trying to catch up, but never really getting to the point where I can rest. 

    I am going to have to get use to driving by myself again. I am going to have to get use to doing everything by myself again. I am not looking forward to it. I am looking forward to Caleb being in a learning environment where he can learn things daily. I failed to provide that for him. I gave him a library of good books to go through and read, but he didn't read them. I wanted to teach him, but when everything seems like a war, it isn't easy. 

    I don't want to beat myself up over it. I did try, try, and try again. I never lost hope that I could do it. I'm not use to failing things. I'm use to trying until I get it right. I hope Caleb's new teachers can help him in ways that I can't . 

    Meanwhile, I am working on healing myself. I am doing these trainings by Chris Roberts to cleanse my energetic body, and man did that wear me out! I have only done day 1 so far. I need to save these videos for later. They are so good!

    Tonight we will have leftover chicken thighs and steamed broccoli and cauliflower. I've got to clean the surfaces of the kitchen and spray for bugs. 

    I will be organizing my "office" space and clearing it out. I have stuff piled on piles around where I work because it makes it easier on me to be able to reach the things I use frequently. 

    I got a packet in the mail from my psychiatrist. She is concerned about my use of kratom and delta-8. The thing about me using kratom is that there are no other choices but to be in pain all day long and all night long. Same with the delta-8. I only use the kratom once a day, in the morning, and it lasts until about lunch time. I only use the delta-8 before I sleep if my pain is so bad I can't sleep without it. Yesterday I managed to go throughout the day without using either of them. That was only because my pain subsided as I took my morning medications. My psychiatrist doesn't want me using either one of them due to my history of seizures and psychosis, and also due to the side effects. I understand her concerns, but she isn't the one living with chronic pains. My primary care, the last I asked, can do nothing more for me as far as prescribing medication for pain. I have already been to the pain clinic. They only offered me shots in the back. I need to be able to function. I need to be able to walk around pain-free. 

    I'm going to try to go kratom-free today too. We shall see how it goes. I have been able to work without pain on the kratom though. If I start the day out in pain, I don't get much done due to not wanting to hurt even worse. 

    In other news, tomorrow I have an appointment with Cheryl Hanson again about the AO scan app. I am excited to talk to her again. She is such a good person. I was supposed to talk to Chris Roberts today, but I had to reschedule that appointment because I have not completed his trainings yet. 

    I am waiting for Amsterdam Life to open so I can buy more e-juice. I think they open at 0830. It is only 0438 now. I am going to get my morning medications and supplements ready.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day! 

After a crazy day

     Yesterday was a crazy day. It was the day the social worker came to the house to inspect. Stephanie came by in the afternoon and talked to us. She saw alot of progress made, but we are not finished cleaning. We had a big conversation with Caleb included. Apparently she does not realize that I clean everyday and it is not enough. She blames me for the way things are, even though I tell her it is Caleb's fault, she blames me. Apparently I am supposed to clean up after Caleb even though I am physically unable to keep up with him. Apparently the fact that Caleb has ODD, ADHD, PTSD, and Autism has no bearing on how I am supposed to parent him. She doesn't get it. She doesn't respect mental health problems, nor my physical health problems. My depression and grieving has no bearing on how I should be behaving according to her. It's all bullshit. I am disabled. There is no getting around that. I do the best I can with my situation. I am being held to the same standards as if I have no health problems. It's not fair. I have so many health problems, and none of them are supposed to keep me from running my home properly apparently. The truth is all of them together do keep me from running my home properly. I need help! I've been begging for help, and not getting it. Caleb has disabilities too. What the fuck? Why aren't we getting any help?

    I am glad she did not take Caleb away. The decision on our case will happen next week, and we will likely be referred to "in home". That means we need to continue to clean up until the case is closed. 

    Stephanie thinks Caleb should go back to public school, and I think it is time for me to give up on the dream that I can homeschool him better. I am going to call the school he should be going to, in order to find out what needs to be done.

    Caleb and I have to continue cleaning the house. We got most of it done, but there are details that need to be completed. Caleb's room has to have the carpet cleaned, as well as the living room. 

    I took Caleb's computers away. This time for good. He does not use them for school work like I intended. He will have to earn time on them. They are staying in Nana's room until he earns time on them.

    Today we have Caleb's therapy appointment in the morning. It is only 0359 now. 

    The day before yesterday I had my appointment with Jana Carrey, and boy was it a big deal! I have not had an appointment with her in months, and I really needed this one. She helped me lay down some grounding cords, work with archangel Michael, and Mother Mary, and let me know they are always around me. She also let me know that my dad is with me too. It gave me great confidence for what was coming up.... Stephanie's arrival. I have felt more grounded than ever, ever since the appointment. It is a wonderful feeling. We recorded our session together, so I can rewatch it anytime. She gave me some pointers 1) watch the Journey to the Isis Temple for 21 days before bed, and 2) read the prayer she sent me for prosperity and abundance. I feel so good!

    I had the phone call with Cheryl Hanson too. We are going to be working together on Sunday I think. She is going to show me how to use the AO scan app.

    I have Cheryl Hanson, Chris Roberts, and Jana Carrey in my life supporting me right now! It's amazing! They are all lifting me up to where I need to be. 

    Today is going to be a calmer day than yesterday, I hope. Now that I am grounded properly, I feel better.

    Dad's day of passing is coming up. I know he is with me, because Jana told me so. I know archangel Michael and Mother Mary are with me too. It's empowering to know that. 

    I am still vaping my e-cigarette. I could not quit with the stress that Stephanie was putting on us. I might be able to quit once Caleb is in school. I really can't afford to keep using the e-cigarette. It's expensive and not helpful.

    I don't know how I am going to get along without Caleb being at home. It was just easier to keep him with me, but it's not working out like I planned it to. 

    I am still trying to do these saliva tests for my endocrinologist. I only got one done, and there are 2 to do and return to the clinic. We are trying to figure out my cortisol levels .

    I am not getting customers for my business and I don't know why. I need my business to be successful. I am praying about it.

    I am praying alot these days. I am struggling to buy groceries ever since I was scammed for $500. I can't even pay my bills like I use to. I'm praying alot.

    Bella is in bed. I need to take a shower. Nana is in the bathroom. Caleb just woke up. I have been drinking alot of water. I need to take my morning meds, and get started for the day. 

    I got my new scale working. I weighed in at 303.8 lbs yesterday. I believe that rather than the 274lbs the old scale was telling me. I knew that wasn't right. I don't know why it is wrong.

    I just ate a whole Panettone loaf for breakfast, It was good sweet bread.

    I just have to say that I really held my own with Stephanie yesterday. I stood up for myself as needed. I was bold and loud. 

    Caleb and I had an argument after she left. That's when I took away his computers. We reconciled after Caleb calmed down. I love my son. He's hard to parent. 

    God bless us all.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Hard times

     It is 1019 now and I have been awake since 0650 or so. I took my meds and supplements plus my Kratomade this morning. I am now on a call with my bank to dispute a charge. I am waiting for customer service. I began cleaning up the living room. I got one bag full of trash so far. I am trying to clear off my incline trainer. Alot of stuff got piled on there as we cleaned out Caleb's room. I have actually started my period this morning for the first time in years. I am amazed and attribute it to the healing sessions done yesterday by Cheryl Hanson. I can't believe it! I am so happy and I feel healthier.

    Today was a hard day. I got the call from the social worker to make a time for her to inspect the house. I tried to tell her the hardships we are having as a family that is grieving. I gave her my emergency sheets with all my diagnoses listed and my medications listed, as well as the one for Caleb. She still lacks the ability to comprehend what it means to be a disabled veteran with a disabled son as a single woman. She lacks any empathy whatsoever. She doesn't get that I suffer pain everyday, and that makes it harder for me to work, or that Caleb needs to be cleaning up his own messes. According to her, it was my responsibility to clean up his room, not his. He cleaned it up mostly by himself. He made the mess, he should clean it! He turns 15 this month. You can't tell me he shouldn't be able to clean his own room. Today we are working on the living room together. We made good progress, but I want it completed tonight. The incline trainer is mostly cleared off. We took about 7 small trash bags of garbage out so far. Caleb tried to fix the dog crate. 

    I told the social worker that we are grieving as a family, and it was harder around the holidays to be without my dad. She didn't have empathy for that either. I've been praying hard. I tried to take a nap, but couldn't fall asleep, so I prayed with my eyes closed. I'm dealing with alot of emotions today.

    Yesterday I had my first appointment with Cheryl Hanson. We did emotion code and AO Scan. Let me tell you, I know they both helped me because I started my period this  morning for the first time in years. Doctors told me I was too young for menopause, but I was having menopause symptoms and lack of a period for extended amounts of time. I was surprised to see bright red blood in my toilet this morning! It has been so long! I could have cried, but I didn't. 

    I want to buy an AO scan for home use. I think I could get rid of all my diseases with it. 

    I'm so tired of being held to impossible standards of living. I am neurodivergent with physical and mental/emotional disabilities. I am not neurotypical. I am not without disabilities that make it harder for me to walk or even stand up. I have difficulty walking without pain. I am in physical therapy to help me with that. I have a great many doctors appointments for myself, nana, Caleb, and the dogs. My schedule is not free. I am not home often. I do not have all day to clean up. It takes me a long time to do simple tasks because everything hurts. I need help! 

    Why is that so hard to understand? Then, my son has Autism, ADHD, ODD, and PTSD. He has alot of difficulties doing things. He argues constantly. He is in therapy and on medications too. 

    I'm so ready to be done with this social worker in my life. I just want her to mind her own business, and stay out of mine. She doesn't get it. I'm doing the best I can. If I could do better, I would. Nobody wants to live in a trash-filled house, including me! I'm exhausted daily. I'm struggling daily. Nobody helps me. I am a single parent. There is not another parent to rely on for assistance. 

    I'm so over this bullshit. I want to feel better. I want my house to be clean and stay clean. I need Caleb to cooperate. 

    I still have work to do, and I better get to it. I am feeling better now that I have hydrated. Caleb is awake now and lively. 

    I pray for better days ahead. I am grateful for the family and friends who are standing with me through these hardships. I pray that things get better for my family and for me. I am struggling with Seasonal affective disorder through the winter. The dark days make it depressing for me. I suffer depression anyway, and this adds to it. 

    Thank you for reading, and being a part of my therapeutic release. Have a blessed day!

Today

     It is Sunday morning and I have been awake since roughly 0500. It is now 0909. I am struggling with my lower back pain and pelvic pain this morning. Normally I take my Kratomade drink in the morning after I take all my morning meds and supplements, but I forgot to this morning. I took it a few minutes ago. It removes the pain completely for me. I am able to work or do what I want, including walking and standing without pain until roughly a little after lunchtime when I take it at my normal time which is around 0730.

    I use a single dose of Kratomade daily to remove my pain. I sell them too. If you are interested in this plant medicine, let me know by emailing me jennifer.demello@healinergy.com .

    I take alot of supplements that help too. Most  are antioxidants or related to the illnesses I currently have. They don't seem to help much singly, but together make a big difference in how I feel.

    Yesterday was a hard day for me. I am not sure why. I know I was struggling to get moving to get work done around the house. I managed to go grocery shopping for a few things, come home and clean up in the kitchen, and make dinner. That was my goal... to clean the kitchen enough to be able to cook dinner safely.

    I hand washed a bunch of dishes and prewashed a bunch of dishes for the dishwasher. I ran the dishwasher finally before I started cooking the ground beef. I made taco meat for taco salads. 

    The sun did not shine yesterday which is a big problem for me and my depression. The sun is not shining today either.

    Even though I wanted to quit vaping my e-cigarette, I bought another bottle of ejuice. I am too stressed out to quit this month. There is too much going on in my life to quit successfully.

    Caleb is awake but being quiet in his room. 

     I watched a video this morning that led me to purchasing a new supplement. The video was so interesting that I wish I could share it here. Did you know that Hitler used Fluoride in the water in the concentration camps to break down the Jewish people? Did you know that in 1945, after the war ended, the United States began adding Fluoride to the water supply of its citizens? I couldn't believe it when I heard it initially. I wish my dad was alive to talk to me about this. 

    I don't think I was able to watch that video to completion by accident. I normally can't watch videos for a variety of reasons. 

    I have plans for today. I need to clean my living room. I need to assemble my new vacuum cleaner and carpet cleaning machine. I don't know if I have enough leftovers to feed everyone again for dinner, so I might have to cook another dinner tonight. Bella is lying on her new bed under the dinner table. 

    My pain is now gone. The kratomade has set in. I normally try to work as much as I can when the Kratomade is in effect, so I can work without pain.

    My psychiatrist hates that I take Kratomade but the medical profession has left me with no other options. I have been sent to pain clinic only to be told the only thing they could offer me was shots for the pain on a routine basis. I didn't want shots put into my back. The VA has their regulations about pain medication, so I am not going to get pain medication because I suffer chronic pain. 

    I am taking lyrica for my fibromyalgia and seizures. I don't know if it is helping my fibromyalgia pain, but I still feel it on a regular basis. I haven't had a seizure since this past summer. 

    The goal is get off some of these medications by getting healthier. I have been instructed to walk while the Kratomade is working. I will begin walking on my incline trainer soon. Nick, my physical therapist was telling me. I told him I need to stretch more. When I was in the re-examination with him, I was popping every time I moved. I asked to see if their was a pain-informed, trauma-informed stretching video he could refer to me, but he did not have one. I will have to find my own practice that doesn't hurt me in the process of doing it.

    I am supposed to be taking classes to become my own Yoga Therapist, but I have gotten so busy that I don't settle down long enough to take the classes.

    Today is Sunday. I would love to spend the day in bed with some good books, but I have work to do around the house.

    This guy I have never met, sent me pictures of his penis. I gave no indication that I wanted to see his bare penis, at all! Why do men do this? I blocked him. First of all, I am not on Facebook dating to jump into bed with someone. I want to meet and share a meal and since if we click on vibrational level. I want to take things slow and become friends who can talk about anything. Honestly, I don't think I am meant for this world sometimes.

    It was Rachel's birthday yesterday. I hope she had a good one.

    I have been messaging Christinia because we are both struggling right now. I need recurring business, and I don't know what holding me back from building a business. I know I have blockages. I had an energy healing with Chris Roberts the other day and that has made a difference in my life and how I feel. I am trying to learn from him through this workshop he is giving. Once again, I have to be able to sit still and pay attention without interruption. I need to learn this stuff. Not only will it help me right now, but it will help me help others too.

    I have an appointment with Cheryl today at 1300. She was referred to me by Kristen Leatherman Brace, and I have spoken to her in advance of our appointment. I like her already and I want to learn her methods of healing too. 

    I only have until the end of December to record the rest of the Success Modules from Larisa Gosla. I am running out of time and with so much to get done, I might lose out. She wants me to embody the practices taught in the Vocal Resonance Method, but I struggle with my memory. I don't know if I will pass her interview I will have to complete certification even thought I have watched all the Vocal Resonance Method Student and Facilitator calls. I can only try and see.

    I have a Trauma Healing Course that I was supposed to be doing earlier this year that I never really started. That would benefit my alot if I could give it the time it requires.

    I've been using the Spiritual Purification hape' from my hape' collection. I wanted to slow down on using the strongest hape' and see how this might help me. I do feel changes happening, but because there might be other causes, I can't say for sure if the hape' is having an effect on me. It feels better when I use it. I feel it making stimulations in my brain. Helps me feel ok when I don't right now.

    My dad died in a motel room he was living in on December 13, 2022. I lost him forever that night. I've been struggling all year long without him. The holidays are no different. I don't feel in the holiday spirit.

    I am struggling with my Seasonal Affective Disorder and Depression alot right now. Add to that the chronic pains and it just seems impossible to get anything done. It doesn't help that I have a social worker from Child Protective Services on my back about my home being unsafe, and threatening to take Caleb away.

    I am stressed beyond stressed out. I am overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do in the time frame I have to do it. 

    At least Caleb's room has been cleaned up mostly. Man was his room trashed! I never go in there. It was always a source of arguments with Caleb. I hate arguing with Caleb. It gets me nowhere. I try to explain to him that these things are important, and that what is happening now could have happened all along. It was just a matter of time. We were struggling all year long about the living room. I was able to pay others to help us, but now I am broke and we have to figure it out ourselves. Looks like there is more light shining through the fog.

    Caleb is in a happy mood right now because he is making himself a fried sweet potato. I still have to give him his medications. I don't want to forget. His days are better when he takes his medications in the morning as prescribed. Sometimes it can be difficult to get him to take his medications. He gives excuses after excuses to not take them. Sometimes I feel like having a teenager with Autism, PTSD, ADHD, and ODD is like having a constant battle in my house. Everything has to be argued. Every little thing. He has gotten better. At least now he can take the kitchen trash out on a regular basis without too much fighting. I mean, where am I supposed to get the energy for this? I tried to get help through the Autism ABA therapy program in Wilmington, but they said they couldn't work from our home because of unsafe work conditions. Caleb needs the ABA therapy to overcome his challenges in everyday life, such as throwing away his own trash in the trash cans. Without ABA therapy, how I am I supposed to help him? 

    I'm doing the best I can. I know that having him a t home is safer than sending him to school. He has had a knife and a gun pulled out on him, and he is not yet 15 years old. I'm running the homeschool in between our appointments to the best of my ability. I offered the IXL curriculum online to simplify the learning  process. The annual subscription is due and I don't have the money for it right now. I don't know what I'm going to do. 

    My scale registered me at 300.00lbs yesterday. It's been a long time coming. I've been trying to lose weight all year long unsuccessfully. Now I have about 30lbs. on this doctor prescribed keto diet. I can't wait to take fewer diabetic medications. We are just now getting my blood sugars down, but we had to add more medications recently. I have to lose more weight and get healthier. I want to be fit. I want to be active again. I am so tired all of the time. Some of my medications have side effects I am fighting with Diet Mountain Dew. I'm doing the best I know how to do. I can't wait to start walking again though. I know I will feel more in control in my head. I won't feel so much stress in my body. I can't wait to be able to wear smaller clothes again. I was smaller before last year's holidays came around...and then my dad died, and I gave up on keeping to the diet altogether. 

    Caleb made some fried sweet potato.

    I have to get his meds ready.

    I think that's all I have to update on. I haven't heard from Mathew, my brother; Eric, my half-brother; Sherri, my half-sister; or any of my step-bothers or step-sister, so I don't know what's going on in their worlds. I pray that Mathew stays safe because he is still serving in the Army to my knowledge.

    I hope I have a better day today than yesterday. I am really wanting to get this living room to my standard. It's going to take all day. There are alot of boxes of things that we need to decide to keep, give away, sell, or throw away. I've been resisting the urge to clean it up by myself. I need Caleb to help me. It gets complicated when Caleb has to work with me. He gets moody and lazy.

    Just know that I offer gift certificates through email request to jennifer.demello@healinergy.com for Reiki appointments. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!