Saturday, December 9, 2023

Something Different Today

     Yesterday was a different kind of day. I started the same time as usual, 0700, when my alarm went off. I got up and decided to listen to Melanie Beckler's angelic initiation. I listened to that, and then I went on to do the first day of Chris Robert's training. It was a complete energetic clearing video. It was long, but boy was it worth it! I felt good during the video and after the video. I then started completing Caleb's school enrollment packet online. There was alot to fill out. When I was done with that, I was hungry for lunch so I ate a sandwich. After eating, I was tired. I went to take a nap. I did not get back up until 1630. I got up and began to wash dishes and load the dishwasher. Then I began cooking dinner. I made baked chicken thighs and green beans for dinner. It was a productive day!

    It is now 0351, and I have been awake for about 20 minutes or so. Caleb has been waking me every few hours. I don't think he has fallen asleep yet tonight. Today I am going to do day 2 of Chris Robert's training. I might watch another of Melaine Beckler's angel videos too. I am trying to quit vaping, but it does not seem like the right time. I have so much work to do, and dad's death day is coming up. So is Christmas.

    I think I will wait until after New Year's to quit vaping. It's just that I do not have the money to keep buying e-juice. I currently have no money at all. Nana has given me money to buy groceries. I am broke until I get paid later in the month. 

    It is soo early! I can't believe I am awake. I had to get up to use the bathroom, and then get something to drink.

    I think Caleb is looking forward to going back to school. I have failed him so deeply. My health just isn't good enough to homeschool him with all his issues. He drains the life out of me with his bad attitudes and argumentativeness. I can't get him to do even the simplest of things without an argument. I hope he does better in public school. I thought I could get a grip over his behavior, but I haven't. Life moves so fast, and I am moving so slow. I cannot keep up with all the work that is expected of me. I am trying to catch up, but never really getting to the point where I can rest. 

    I am going to have to get use to driving by myself again. I am going to have to get use to doing everything by myself again. I am not looking forward to it. I am looking forward to Caleb being in a learning environment where he can learn things daily. I failed to provide that for him. I gave him a library of good books to go through and read, but he didn't read them. I wanted to teach him, but when everything seems like a war, it isn't easy. 

    I don't want to beat myself up over it. I did try, try, and try again. I never lost hope that I could do it. I'm not use to failing things. I'm use to trying until I get it right. I hope Caleb's new teachers can help him in ways that I can't . 

    Meanwhile, I am working on healing myself. I am doing these trainings by Chris Roberts to cleanse my energetic body, and man did that wear me out! I have only done day 1 so far. I need to save these videos for later. They are so good!

    Tonight we will have leftover chicken thighs and steamed broccoli and cauliflower. I've got to clean the surfaces of the kitchen and spray for bugs. 

    I will be organizing my "office" space and clearing it out. I have stuff piled on piles around where I work because it makes it easier on me to be able to reach the things I use frequently. 

    I got a packet in the mail from my psychiatrist. She is concerned about my use of kratom and delta-8. The thing about me using kratom is that there are no other choices but to be in pain all day long and all night long. Same with the delta-8. I only use the kratom once a day, in the morning, and it lasts until about lunch time. I only use the delta-8 before I sleep if my pain is so bad I can't sleep without it. Yesterday I managed to go throughout the day without using either of them. That was only because my pain subsided as I took my morning medications. My psychiatrist doesn't want me using either one of them due to my history of seizures and psychosis, and also due to the side effects. I understand her concerns, but she isn't the one living with chronic pains. My primary care, the last I asked, can do nothing more for me as far as prescribing medication for pain. I have already been to the pain clinic. They only offered me shots in the back. I need to be able to function. I need to be able to walk around pain-free. 

    I'm going to try to go kratom-free today too. We shall see how it goes. I have been able to work without pain on the kratom though. If I start the day out in pain, I don't get much done due to not wanting to hurt even worse. 

    In other news, tomorrow I have an appointment with Cheryl Hanson again about the AO scan app. I am excited to talk to her again. She is such a good person. I was supposed to talk to Chris Roberts today, but I had to reschedule that appointment because I have not completed his trainings yet. 

    I am waiting for Amsterdam Life to open so I can buy more e-juice. I think they open at 0830. It is only 0438 now. I am going to get my morning medications and supplements ready.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day! 

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