5 Year Journal Day 116

      Today's prompt is "Who do you need to call?" Ghostbusters! LOL

     It is 5:17 a.m. here now. I am thirsty, hot, and needed charged batteries for my e-cigarette. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up at 9:30 a.m. and was tired like I hadn't slept at all. I was slow moving all morning. I barely was able to get my medications taken and a meal eaten before it was time to go. I did get Caleb to restart the dryer first thing, so the clothes were dry just before we left. I sorted through them just minutes before we left to got to Hayley's birthday party. I wanted to make sure we went through all of Caleb's clothes at once, so there were no clothes that he couldn't wear leftover. We were able to donate 2.5 kitchen sized trash bags to Gage!

     I was planning on getting a shower and wearing my new dress to the birthday party, but things did not work out that way. I ended up leaving without a shower, and going to the party the way I woke up, not even having done my hair. I was so tired. I thought it was more important to show up than to look nice anyway. I was right. Donna was just happy we made it. 

     Everybody had a good time. The kids played on the giant inflatable water slide. It was a sunny and hot day. There was lots of pizza and snacks. We had cake! We came back home shortly after Hayley opened her presents though, because I had to let Bella out and also because my feet were hurting. When I got home, and went to bed to put my feet up, my hips and everything below were in pain.

     I am still tired. I could sleep all day. I am so thirsty though, and keep waking up because I am getting hot. I am glad I have this window unit air conditioner in here. I can feel it. 

     At bed time, I cried. I had a brief conversation with my aunt Lisa about my blog post earlier. I cried for the person I lost when I was hospitalized, and the life I lost afterwards. I felt like I could cry for days. Bella was laying on my belly at the time. I text my Aunt Lisa and Rachel. I wanted to hold Bella close forever. Caleb made her go away with a treat because he came in and wanted to hug me. I told him I wanted to be alone and that I was crying. 

     I told my Aunt Lisa that as long as Mathew leaves me alone, it should pass quickly. Good things have happened between then and now too. 

     Man, I am chugging this Gatorade Zero. I am just dying of thirst. 

     I didn't want to get up. I have to get up in a couple of hours to shower and get ready to go to Caleb's appointments. I need sleep. I am exhausted. I didn't even put together this week's schedule yet. I will probably do that when I get back from the appointments, because I left my phone in my room. My eyes are burning hot. 

     I have been drinking Dew all day for the last 4 or 5 days to stay awake and get things done. It has worked, but at a cost. I can't keep it up everyday. Eventually I burn out. I need down time to rest and catch back up. 

     Caleb is now taller than his friends his age! LOL He is almost taller than me. He was measured at 5 feet 5 inches at his last appointment, with his shoes on. With his shoes off, he is not as tall, but still tall. 

     It was nice to go spend time with my friends. I have not seen them since before March. Donna and her kids moved away. Alisa started working at Dollar General on the island, and I hate to bother her. I met some new people. I got to be around little kids and a baby! I got to hug my friends. I'm glad we went to Hayley's birthday party. 

     They said I could have gone on the slide! LOL Oh no! Not me! I told them I'm over 300 lbs! When they told me that someone who was about 400 lbs went, I thought about it. 

     It's nice to be included. 

     It was the first time we went to Donna's new house. She lives out in the country. We took a lot of back roads to get there. 

     I am tasting the early morning meal I had a few hours ago. I had the leftover chicken breast with peppers, onion, and black beans. I thought maybe if I ate, I would sleep better. 

     I got all of Caleb's clothes washed now. I just have a few linens to wash and put away, and I will be caught up on the laundry finally. I caught up on the dishes Saturday. I have to hurry up and spray because I am finding huge bugs around. I want them to die!

     I am feeling better than when I went to bed. I am no longer sad.

     I am not looking forward to weighing in this morning. I know I weigh more now than I did last week. I ate a lot of pizza yesterday, and have not digested it yet. 

     I have my weight management class on the phone this afternoon. I have to find the call-in directions.

     I am expecting packages to arrive this afternoon. Hopefully I will not be disappointed. 

     I have household finances and scheduling to work on.

5 Year Journal Day 115

      Today's prompt is "Is life fair? Yes? No? Sometimes? Not today?" Life is not fair. Innocent people die everyday. Innocent people get injuries and diseases everyday. Innocent people face hardships everyday. Life is not fair.

     It is 2:37 a.m. and I am awake because I got too warm and started itching. Yesterday was a productive day, but I have a confession to make. I have been drinking Diet Mountain Dew nearly all day. As a matter of fact it's the third day in a row that I have done that. I've gone a lot done though, and I didn't require a nap. I worked on the massive amount of laundry Caleb collected in his room. I handwashed dishes and loaded the dishwasher. I directed Caleb to help me in numerous ways, to facilitate cleaning the house. One way was to clear the hallway. Another way was to remove the recycling from my workspace. I had him pick up the dirty laundry in the hallway and move it closer to the laundry room so I could I make sure it all got washed. I got the kitchen cleaned to the point that I cold finally clean off the counter tops, but I didn't make it that far. Caleb wanted a hair cut, so I took him to Great Clips, where we get our hair cut. Then we walked over to Lowe's Foods and looked to see what was on sale. I was looking for shrimp in particular. I really wanted to make jambalaya with shrimp, but I only buy the frozen raw peeled and deveined shrimp when it's on sale. It was on sale! I got lucky. 

     One of my goals was to get all of Caleb's clothes that I removed from his room when I cleaned it washed and sorted. I am sorting out the clothes that are not his size anymore, too small, to donate to his friend, Gage tomorrow. So I have a deadline. I got the last load of his clothes in the dryer before I went to bed. It needs to be dried one more cycle, and sorted out. 

     Today we are going to Hayley's birthday party. Hayley is Gage's older sister. Caleb and Gage have known each other since they were in first grade, and boy scouts together. Donna, their adoptive parent and grandmother, rented a huge inflatable water slide! I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow , so the kids can have fun.

     I am feeling better about my house. It is still a mess, but it is getting better everyday. Once I donate those clothes, there is no chance of them ending on Caleb's bedroom floor again. I bought 3 12 packs of white crew socks for Caleb recently, at different times. I have only washed maybe 6 pairs. Where did the other 30 pairs disappear to? Did he eat them? They are no where to be found!

     Caleb out the carpet cleaner back together again. it appears to be ok, so I do not have to rush out and buy a new one yet. I will wait until next year after I have paid off the window unit air conditioner, if I can.

     Bella is begging me for something. I do not know what. I think she wants me to go to bed. I am not ready to do that yet. 

     I made a loud noise walking through the hallway to get to my computer just now. I knocked into something that was in the way. It woke Caleb up, as he was sleeping on the couch. I just said "That's why you need to clear the hallway." I've been telling him to do that all day. He didn't do a good job. He did a fair job. It could have been way better, but he's in training so...

     I made this really good tasting chicken breast in the crock pot today. It had a yellow onion, a green bell pepper, an orange bell pepper, a red bell pepper, and two cans of black beans in it, along with a little olive oil and some sweet chili thai seasoning. Delicious. Never made it before, but I wish I could make it again. 

     Caleb wanted junk at the grocery store today, but we compromised, and he bought raisins and dark chocolate covered raisins instead. Good choices. No doughnuts. 

     I listened to Moby for the first in forever while I was cleaning. I first listened to that album when I was in high school. 

     I didn't have many intrusive thoughts throughout the day. I remained pretty clear headed and focused on the tasks that I wanted to do. I kept in contact with Rachel and Aunt Lisa throughout the day, and that helped me stay positively charged.

     PTSD is a bitch with no master. 

     I didn't use my eye ointment before I went to sleep and now my eyes are bothering me. I haven't been using the mouth spray before bed either. I ran out of the eye ointment I was using and couldn't find the new bottle in the dark. I think the mouth spray fell on the floor and I can't reach it. 

     I got my second set of 3 pairs of compression socks from the VA today. I also got the clothes I ordered from Lane Bryant. Did I write about that? Yeah, last week, after I said I didn't want to spend any money if I could manage it, I saw a dress on Instagram from Lane Bryant that I wanted. The next day all dresses went on sale for $35. These dresses usually range in the $90 range full price. So I went to the site to check it out. I found the dress and a few shirts that I wanted on clearance. I just wanted to see how much it would cost, so I put the items in the cart. The total was like $80 or something. Yikes! Then I scrolled down to see if I had any Lane Bryant dollars. I did! I had $40 that were set to expire soon! So, you know what? I bit the bullet. I bought what I wanted on the store credit card, and used all my reward dollars. I spent less than $40 total for a dress and 3 nice shirts. Walking the middle path here. 

     So, today is Sunday. I am not planning on doing much because I imagine the birthday party is going to last for hours and take all my energy. I haven't seen Donna in a very long time. She use to live on the island, and it was easier to stop by. Now she lives in Shallotte, and it's a bit of a drive to get to her house. 

     I am trying, like I do every week, to get as much trash and recycling out of the house before Caleb has to bring the bins to the road on Sunday night. I don't know how we create so much trash! 

     I feel better about myself when I am able to stay busy all day, and get things done that I need to get done. My back was hurting and so was my pelvis and my feet at the end of the day. I'm not going to beat myself up about not losing weight before December's check up. I have so much on my plate right now, I don't need something else added. I am trying to manage what I have already in my cycle, in my routine, to add more everyday so that I can manage home schooling Caleb too. I thought I could do everything at once, but I can't be in more than one place at a time. Caleb needs me to sit with him while he is working, or he won't do his work. I have to train him to be more responsible for himself. He is not there yet. I had all theses house cleaning projects that needed to get done. No one could work with all that clutter and filth around. It was driving me nuts. I couldn't take a step without stepping on something that should not have been on the floor. I can see Caleb's floor now. His bed is cleared off so he can sleep on it. His books are on the shelves where they belong. His clothes are put away neatly. It makes a big difference to me. Now, Caleb uses his room more often. He has even slept in his own bed a few times by himself and also with Bella! It's new to us. 

     I am trying to break this habit that Caleb has on just leaving stuff on the floor. He throws trash on the floor like the house is a giant trash can. I previously could not break the habit because he would sneak into the kitchen at night and get food and make a mess in his room while I was sleeping. I can't stop something from happening while I am asleep. I have to catch him in the act, or at least be able to see that he has work to do. I want him to enjoy clean spaces, and want the house to be clean all the time. It's so much more relaxing when it's not filled with trash and clutter. Besides, I keep telling him he is going to make me fall and really hurt myself and then what? 

     You know, the point of telling loved ones our diagnoses is to inform them so they can not only be empathetic, but also be aware as to our tendencies so as not to trigger negative responses. I don't just tell people all my business for no damn reason. I expect you to respect me as a whole, and Caleb too. We are not always in control of our reactions and it came be explained by our respective diagnoses. You want to trigger me on purpose? Deal with consequences. Take responsibility for your actions, because I do the best I can to manage my symptoms every day. 

     When I say I am blogging to help me process things, that's exactly what I mean. I am not bullshitting. It's been 7 years and I am just now asking why Mathew, my brother, sent the police to my apartment and had me taken to a hospital and separated from my preschool aged son without a backup plan. Yeah! 7 fucking years! Why? Because I dealt with so many other things that were prioritized as more important in my survival in all that time. So fuck you if you don't understand. 

     I am finally in a safe place, and out of harm's way, with the exception of COVID-19 and possible hurricanes. 

     I don't have time for people who choose to ignore my disabilities when I explicitly state what they are and how they affect me. 

     I am finding people I like in the pitbull lovers group, and the Biden/Harris voting women's group of NC, and all the women veterans groups that I have been involved in over the years, and the parents of children with special needs and parents of children with ADHD and ODD specifically, on Facebook. They are all my people. We are all going through similar things in our lives, and share our journeys together. They are creating my tribe. 

     What I choose to talk about is not always reflective of what is going on in my head. I deal with suicidal thoughts, and there is nothing that can be done. I am not going to act on them, but they are certainly there. I have to remind myself the people who would show up to my funeral crying, and missing me. I have to think about the people I do influence on a daily basis, mostly Caleb and Bella. How would they feel if I committed suicide? And do I want them to feel that way? No. I don't want to hurt them. I just want my life to be better. I feel like I miss out on so much because I am disabled, and what my disabilities are. I don't feel like I am living the life I want. I feel impaired. 

     I am trying to heal the things I can, but it is a process, and takes time. I want to recover from the things I don't really like talking about. I want to have friends who accept me and my limitations. I want to have a social life. I don't want to feel like a burden on people when I text them or call them. 

     You know, despite a great many things, I do remain optimistic. I'm a generally happy person when I am able to socialize with healthy people. 

     I want someone to think I am beautiful because of who I am, and not focus on my weight. 

     I am doing my life's work alone, and without a partner. I may never find a partner. It gets lonely. That's why I depend on others to communicate with daily. I may be physically alone, but I am never alone in spirit. 

     I lose myself in my work because my work is important to me. I work everyday I can towards raising Caleb and making a better life for us all. It is now 4:11 a.m. here. Bella has long disappeared. Caleb didn't stay up when I accidentally woke him. It is nice and cool out here. I have cooled off quite a bit. I just opened another Dew, so I will probably finish that before going back to bed. 

     I've got papers piled up in my workspace. I need to sort through them again because I already forgot what I have up here. 

     I think we've got 3 appointments to go to on Monday. I have to call my optometrist to get another prescription for the eye ointment through the VA, this time with at least 6 months of refills. I have to remind Brittini, Caleb's occupational therapist, to email me his school note from last week. I have to add the food pantry pick up to the calendar. I get paid on Tuesday so I pay bills on Tuesday. I have not conclusively decided what to do with the remaining cash left after I pay bills, but I have a good idea. I have not created the week's calendar yet, so I am not sure what else is happening and/or needs to be worked on. 

     The holidays are coming up. I will not be with John or Sharon. I will not be with Christinia or Harlee. I will probably not be hearing from Mathew, Nichole , or the kids. I will probably not be hearing from Sherri, Russ, or the kids. I will not be hearing from Eric, his wife, or the baby. I will not be hearing from Fernando or his mistress. I will not be having Travis or Billy over. I will be at home, alone with Caleb and Bella. I will most likely be broke, and ever so grateful for food stamps. 

     Aunt Lisa and I were talking about how I might be able to travel to visit one day. I do not feel comfortable driving that distance anymore, since I have had seizures. I was thinking that I could board Bella at the pet camp. I could drive to the nearest Amtrak stop, and Caleb and I could ride the train to Philadelphia. Caleb has never ridden a train before, and Philadelphia is one of the biggest train stations I have ever been to. She told me of all the places we could visit while visiting. She told me we could even go to see the Statue of Liberty. I'm 37 years old and have never seen it!  I am trying to make a way to be able to save money for adventures like that. I can't go places with no money. That's no fun. 

     Well, I have finally finished my can of Dew. I am ready to go back to bed. Until next time!

5 Year Journal Day114

      Today's prompt is "How would your parents describe you? (You can call them and ask.)" My dad would say I'm a mentally ill, crazy person who is a bad mother raising a wild child. I'm not sure what my mom would say. 

     It is now 1:13 a.m. here. I don't know why I woke up. I was perfectly fine. I was warm, but not hot. I had space and was not falling off the bed tonight. I wanted to vape and needed charged batteries, so I got up from bed. Caleb slept in my bed again tonight. He says I keep him warm. I believe it. I put off a lot of heat. 

     Yesterday was a productive day. Caleb and I actually slept until about 9:30 in the morning. It was amazing. After we took our medications, I decided that we needed to go out to the grocery store. We went to Publix to buy our favorite fresh bread, Italian 5 grain. I went to the post office to mail a VA form that was requested by them. Then we drove all the way to Walmart and I bought about 3/4 of a cart full of groceries. We needed staples like almondmilk , chicken breasts, and fresh vegetables. Then  we came home, and Caleb unloaded the Mazda, as usual. I put away the groceries, as usual. I had already started cooking a chuck roast in the crock pot with some red potatoes, but I did not have the sweet onions, baby carrots, thyme, or rosemary when I started cooking before we left. I added those ingredients after we got back. Caleb unloaded the dishwasher and the dish strainer for me. He wanted to earn a Hot Wheels car so I had him also take out the trash, put a bag in the trash can, and put a bag out for the recycling. I also had him attempt to bring the living room back to the state I had it in when I cleaned it. He had to clear the kitchen island, which I had asked him more than a few times in the past few days to do, and he never did. Once I was satisfied that he had done enough, I let him have the special Hot Wheels car he wanted from what I already had on hand. 

     I was able to get a couple of loads of laundry washed. I still have a few loads ahead of me. I have more than one kitchen trash bag of Caleb's clothes to donate to his friend, Gage. 

     I read a meme about about 9/11 to Caleb and we talked about the significance of the day. We lit some candles, incense, and sage for the fallen. 

     Oh, I almost forgot that I went back to Amsterdam Life and bought a second bottle of e-juice to last me until my regular shipment comes in. The store clerk says "That's a lot of crosses on you." And I reply, " I went through something." A few seconds of silence passes and I say, " You can't go wrong with Jesus." It is quiet again,  and I say, " Somebody's got to have my back. Seems like nobody's got my back." She responds, "Your grandma's got your back." It was eerie, but nice to been seen by somebody. I had to tell my Aunt Lisa. I text my Aunt Lisa and asked for a Facetime appointment with her, since she has been crazy busy lately. 

     At some point I went to check my EBT card balance. It was higher than I expected when I looked at the Publix receipt, so I checked it again on the app on my phone. It was correct. Extra money had been put on my EBT card. Someone was definitely looking out for me! I was worried that I would not be able to buy everything on my short grocery list, prior to that. 

     Now, I'd like to say that when I was talking about nobody having my back, I had been taken to the moment I got the tattoos, 7 years ago. I was alone in the world, freshly out of the hospital and not really trusting anyone. Getting my tattoos was the first thing I did when I got out of the hospital. 

     Today, there are definitely people who have my back. My Aunt Lisa for sure, Rachel, my mom to some extent, Nichole did have my back at one time... Things have changed over the years, and I have seldom been fully alone. I might have felt all alone, but I almost always had someone to talk to. So, no I am not unaware of my current allies. 

     Caleb asked me to buy him some new pajamas, as he is growing out of the pajamas he has. I went and looked on Amazon to see what was available on his size. I came to the conclusion that I would get a better deal at a Children's Place after my search. I went to a Children's Place and bought a number of oversized pajama sets for him. I figure I will give him one or two now, one or two for Christmas, and one or two for his birthday. They were all on sale, so I didn't pay full price. 

     Bella got a treat of the pieces of chuck roast that we cut off, mostly fat, with her dinner. She licked the plate clean! 

     Caleb spilled water on the cable box, so now it has to be replaced because it is no longer working. No Sponge Bob in the house right now. 

     Today is Saturday. I need to try to finish up washing the laundry before Sunday. On Sunday, we are going to a birthday party. It is the first function we are going to since the outbreak. I am planning on bringing Haley's brother, Gage, the clothes that I have put aside. Gage and Caleb have known each other since first grade. Donna, their grandmother/custodial adoptive parent has ordered a big inflatable water slide for the birthday party. I might need to bring my own chair to sit down outside. 

     I scared the mess out of Caleb. He is scared of this thing called "Siren Head" and he was watching a Siren Head video clip, and I grabbed him by the shoulder and said "Baaahhhhh!" LOL He almost fell off the bed! Oh man! He jumped so high! I'm evil. 

     I want to get the bathroom cleaned up today. I don't know if I will be able to do all the stretching and bending over it requires, but I guess I can try. It desperately needs to be cleaned. Once I get the laundry cleaned, it will no longer be on the hallway floor, so I can clean the hallway floor. I just want to get things to a place where we just maintain it. I wish I could get that through Caleb's head. It doesn't have to be this much work all the damn time. 

     I lost my nose stud at some point and had to replace it again. Thank goodness I bought a 20 pack a while back, because I seem to lose them frequently. 

     I am not doing well on my diet. I am too stressed to say no. I am not eating out or anything like that, because, well, I can't afford it. I am just not watching my portions. I am eating what feels good. I am still trying to eat raw vegetables every day. I bought grapes on sale the other day. I haven't been eating fruits at all. I have been eating carbs like I don't care though. I eat cereal in the morning, and have sandwiches whenever there is bread in the house. I ate potatoes with the roast last night, and carrots! I don't think my primary care provider is going to be impressed with my weight or my A1C in December. I still have time time to change. I don't know that I will though. Some things are just not worth it in the greater scheme of things. The world is a crazy place to be in right now. I'm just trying to stay afloat and not drown in my own problems.

     I feel like generally speaking, I am moving more. I am getting more stuff done around the house than I was before. It may not be enough to lose weight, but it is a noticeable achievement. I have been stuck in a rut since Christinia left. I am finally pulling myself out of it. 

     I am using my diabetic shoes, with custom insoles and lift, and also my compression socks. I am suffering less lower back pain. My shoulders and neck are not hurting as much as they use to. As a matter of fact most days they don't hurt at all anymore. I am able to stand for greater periods of time without hurting my feet, back, or shoulders. It's all good news. 

      Bella seems to be doing better. I noticed her eyebrows were pink again. She must be itching and scratching again. Poor thing. Her ears looked to be fully healed from all the scratching. I think her paws are healed from the biting and licking. I am going to keep her on the allergy medication until the grass dies for the season. I don't know what she is allergic to. She has never had this problem before and I have had her here for 3 years already. 

     Caleb wants to start on the science project but when I asked him if he wanted to go and get the supplies, he was too tired. So maybe we will do that soon. We need some kind of weights to figure out how much weight it takes to sink a floating gatorade bottle. We also need something to keep the bottles in position and together to form the life raft. We have collected a lot of bottles already, so we can get started on figuring out a few things to plan how we will construct the life raft. 

     I am not being successful at the whole homeschooling thing. I am having trouble managing my own health, and the state of the household. Homeschooling takes cooperation. I am not getting that. I have to fight and argue to get things done and it is taxing. I don't want to hear about how Caleb  should be spanked, or punished. He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD many years ago, and this is not a temporary way of being, nor is it caused by hormone changes. His brain is different than the average bear and has always been. 

     I am not the only parent of a child with ADHD and ODD who is having a hard time. We all are. I would be struggling even more if he were still enrolled in public school. I can't maintain their schedule. We are not at home for the whole day, every week day. 

     I am just going to have to live with the fact that I am also not the average bear, and I am doing the best I can with what I have. As it is, I have found that Caleb has trouble with third grade math. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have to manage the household at the same time within my limitations. It isn't easy to juggle all these responsibilities. 

     Caleb needs direct supervision to work, and I have to multi-task to get everything done that I need to get done. So how am I going to get around this problem? 

     My dad's birthday is today. He turns 61 years old. I only remember that because he made such a big deal about being 60 years old over and over again last year. He put his hands on my baby. Twice. He will never live that down.

     Fernando is going to move back to Brazil on October, with his mistress. I will probably never see him again. Caleb only met him once, 7 years ago, before I was hospitalized. I wish my family was closer. I wish I could visit all of my family and show Caleb who he is related to in person, more than just once. 

     So it seems like I am losing a lot of family this year, in one way or another. Mathew, Nichole and the kids, Sherri, Russ, and the kids, and Fernando. I hate being separated from my family because I am different , but I won't stay with anyone who would abuse me either. I'm not saying anyone from this group has abused me, but I am saying that when there are major disagreements, the potential is there. I would rather separate and not let things get worse. 

     It sucks. I always wanted a big family. We are so divided. I don't know more than half the people I am related to. 

     Caleb turns 12 this year. I do not think he will have a birthday party again this year. They are very expensive for one thing. I do not think the COVID-19 ordeal will be over by then for another. 

     I do not think we will congregate for the holidays. We will likely spend all of them by ourselves. I would like to be able to provide a few things I know Caleb wants for either Christmas or his birthday. I love shopping for other people, but I lack the money to be able to afford the things I want to buy. 

    I would like to get Caleb a laptop. I don't know if I can afford one. I am thinking I will wait until Black Friday or Cyber Monday to try to buy one as cheaply as possible. 

     I get paid on Tuesday, so I am looking forward to that. I haven't decided what to do with what is left over after paying the bills. I am sure I will have to prepay some of the electric bill for next month. I also would like to pay back some of the credit I used to finance Bella's needs. I can't forget that I need to stretch every penny because even though I get paid at the beginning of the month too, I don't have much left over after paying the first of month's bills. So I have to prepare to save for groceries and gas. 

     Time is moving so slowly when it comes to being able to pay off my credit cards, and so quickly when it comes to trying to homeschool Caleb. It's a paradox. 

     The thing I learned about shadow work through reading that kindle book, is that we are not perfect. What I mean by that, is we have this set of ideas about who we are, but we are so much more than that. We are not always one way. At any given time we can be different from how we want to be viewed, or how we view ourselves. I learned that I have to accept the things I don't like necessarily like about myself in order to find peace, and to grow. I , too, can project my beliefs onto others. I , too, can see in others what I do not like about myself. I am one step closer to my ultimate goal of peace by reading and understanding that book. I plan on reading more books like it, once I charge the kindle. I want a different perspective and different words to describe to me what I should be doing to further my growth. 

     I hate that I had to quit the Wounded Warrior Project group. It was requiring too much of my time and it required homework. I just can not do that right now. It was causing me too much distress. 

     I hate that I had to quit the Veterans Path Mindfulness program too. I am just too tired at 5 p.m. to pay attention to much other than dinner. 

     I wish I could just dedicate my brain to helping Caleb. I wish I could get myself together and make this work better. I feel like such a loser. At the same time, I feel like I am doing everything in my power to keep our lives as normal as it can be right now. I know I am not alone in this, bit I sure as Hell feel like it. I try to maintain relationships, which previously I was unable to do. I try to maintain communication with others to keep my perspective constantly refreshing on reality and not get sunk into my own private Hell in my head. 

     It is one thing to come out and say "I have been diagnosed with major depression with psychotic features." It is another thing to make it so others know exactly what it is like to live with that kind of diagnosis. It's Fucking Hell! Not because I was diagnosed, but because the diagnosis is accurate. The same with fibromyalgia. Most people don't even know what the Hell that means. There are so many symptoms and everybody who has it, experiences it somewhat differently. There is no cure. There is limited treatment, and it is not effective. 

     You know? I have to watch myself because I have an underage son to take care of, and no support system close by. I may need to check myself in to the mental hospital at some point. How would I know if I am losing my sense of reality, without others watching over me? The only reason I was hospitalized the first time is because Mathew made a call to have welfare check done on me. That's the only reason. I had no idea I was that bad off. I was just living my life and one day, boom! I'm being checked in to the E.R. by the police. He didn't bother to call me and find out what was going on. He didn't bother to think about the consequences of his actions. He didn't bother to think that it might take me years to recover from it. He damned sure didn't care enough about Caleb to drop what the fuck he was doing to come save him. No one did. No one came to his rescue when I was taken against my desire. Only John and Sharon came to help me after some months had passed. I was living in my own personal Hell. I was about to lose my housing. I didn't know how I was going to be able to pay the bills. I was living off of trail mix. I couldn't stop crying for the life of me. I was terrified to be alone, but I was always alone. 

     I somehow managed to pick myself up from that lowest of low points, with the help of my psychiatrist who was finally assigned. By the way, I was only one day away from seeing a psychiatrist at the VA when they hospitalized me. I also had the help of my therapist. You want to know why I don't want to move? These women in my life, have been there to see me at my absolute worst, and have been there for me ever since. It's been 7 years now. I'm still not the same as I was before I was hospitalized. And Mathew and Nichole want to talk to me about a Hardee's triple cheeseburger I had once? Get real. That's the least of my problems. I am still trying to recover from the damages caused by Mathew 7 years ago. If he had asked me, I would have told him I had an appointment for the next day to see a psychiatrist. 

     I don't know what caused the change in my brain to hallucinate, but I have not always hallucinated. I was living with Caleb. I had no friends who were regularly seeing me to observe my behaviors or question my thought processes. I had no family ties. I had just visited Fernando and my grandma de Mello, along with my Aunt Lisa and her family. I was fine then. 

     I was living off the Post 9/11 GI bill and going to UNCW. I couldn't relate to the younger students, and there were no veterans groups established at the time. I don't know what the social worker said about me to the community, but all of a sudden I was being treated like a criminal. 

     I was drug free. I was having a glass of wine every now and again, but no heavy drinking. I had long been off anti-depressants because it took so long to get an appointment with mental health at the VA. I was taking dietary supplements to help me lose weight, and I was working out at least 4 times a week. I had lost a lot of weight. I was happier, I had more energy. I didn't feel depressed. 

     After I was hospitalized I emerged a completely different person. I could no longer trust anybody. I felt like how a leper must have felt back in the days of Moses. 

     So when I say I didn't ask for this. I didn't. It was forced upon me. 

     I wasn't hurting anybody. I wasn't hurting myself. I was not risking anybody's life. I was not a harm to myself or to others. 

     If it wasn't for the dog tag that I had made with my mother's phone number on it, I would not have been able to call anyone, because I did not have any phone numbers memorized. Everything was taken from me. I had nothing of my own but my underwear. I was heavily drugged in the E.R. I don't know how long I slept. I could barely comprehend what people were saying. I was being asked to signs forms without understanding what I was signing. 

     I was transferred to the mental hospital at some point. I don't know how long I slept. The drugs they gave me were heavily sedating. I didn't know what was going on. I couldn't even think about Caleb at that point. 

     I was there for a total of about 13 days. The psychiatrist wanted to hold me there longer, but I begged to let back home before I lost my housing from not paying the bills. I had no access to a computer. I was not even allowed to keep my purse. There was only one phone for about 10 patients to use during an hour of each day. 

     I came home, fully expecting to get my son back, and didn't. He was in emergency foster care. I lost my son for almost an entire year before regaining custody. I was told that if I did not have someone living with me, there was a likely chance that I would not get my son back at all. I quickly enlisted John and Sharon to live with me. It was horrible living with them. I can not believe I decided to do it a second time. I thought they might have grown and changed, but they didn't . They were just better at being fake. 

     Mathew never asked me if I was ok, or how I was doing. If he had asked I would have told him that I felt like I lost my reason for living. 

     He still doesn't ask me how I am doing. I have to write this Fucking blog because I have no one to talk to about all these things. No one has the time.

     So here I am, 7 years later. I completed my degree despite myself. I bought a house despite myself. I raised my son despite myself. I parent a loving dog despite myself. I am living a life, despite my trials and tribulations. Literally trials. I had to go to court multiple times before I could get my son back. 

     Do I care about people who don't care about me or my son? Yes. I do. I have a bigger heart than most. I believe in Jesus, and his teachings. I might stray from Jesus every so often, but Jesus has always gotten me through my tough times. 

     Maybe it's time I let go. Look at all I have been through. I never would have made this far without my mental health team. 

     I thought that even if I remained single for the rest of my life, I could always count on Mathew to grow old with me. I think I was wrong. Apparently he has who he wants to grow old with, and I am just someone who can be tossed aside. I don't matter. I thought our bond was stronger than some pussy, but what do I know? 

     It's going to be ok though. I will pick myself back up, just like I have in the past, and move on. It will just take some time to heal my wounds. 

     I am not ok right now. I am dealing with the anniversaries of many things that were a big deal to me. If you lived through it, it would be a big deal to you too. 

     My protection order is going to expire. I need to figure out what I am going to do. I feel like I will never see John or Sharon again, and that is just fine with me. 

     The holidays are coming up. I don't want to be dealing with all this negativity, but I might be. Not to mention what is going on in the world right now. 

     How can you say that protecting the waterways and oceans is not important? We need water to drink! 

     How can you say that science is not important? How can you go against what leading scientists and medical professionals are saying?

     Why the Hell would you believe that wearing a mask is ineffective for spreading germs, when surgical teams have been wearing them for decades? 

     I'm sorry, but if you choose to follow someone who says windmills cause cancer, you're an idiot. 

     The time is now 4:26 a.m. here. I need to go back to bed. This shit is crazy. I'm out.  

5 Year Journal Day 113

      Today's prompt is "You wish you could stop____ from happening." I wish I could stop Trump from winning the election. 

     Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was able to get moving at a decent time in the morning, and take a shower. I got Caleb to take a shower and put on some clean clothes. We went out to replenish the Dew stock, and grab some vegetables to cook for dinner. I made a giant salad to use the produce I had in the fridge. I am trying to eat it before it goes bad. Caleb had his appointment. We went to Dollar General to look for a mop, and bought a few goodies instead. I was able to load the dishwasher and get it started. I finally got the laundry started. I hand washed a whole bunch of dishes. I gave Bella her allergy medication and ear treatments. I cooked dinner. So, I'm feeling pretty good about myself and the day I had. I even finished reading the short book about shadow work on the Kindle. 

     Since I am not going to be able to quit vaping any time soon, I went ahead and bought a new e-cigarette, and a battery charger. Both of mine need to be replaced. I didn't want to spend the money, but I don't want to go crazy without it and end up spending even more money at Amsterdam Life. I was able to get a good deal on both online. 

     Caleb got angry at me, and I think he broke the damn carpet cleaner. I wanted to replace it, but I didn't want to do it so soon. I am not happy about his outrage. I am not happy about having to spend more money right now. Those things are hundreds of dollars! Granted, I've had mine since moving to the apartment in Wilmington, probably almost 9 years now. 

     I haven't heard from Mathew or Nichole since the other day when Mathew called and we texted on Facebook Messenger. I'm not going to reach out again. I am here if they ever need me.

     I listened to an old Staind album on my bluetooth speaker, while I was cleaning in the kitchen. "It's always raining in my head...." so true. I love that album. 

     I have been trying to give my Aunt Lisa some space and time away from me. I know she deals with a lot in her job, and with Fernando. I wish I could have shared a good day with her though. Seems like I've been having trouble lately dealing with things in my head. I don't have many friends of my own to talk to. I reach out to Rachel sometimes, but I don't always want to bother her either. 

     The time is now 2:53 a.m. here. I woke up because I felt like I was falling off my bed. Caleb slept in the bed with me again, and he sleeps at an awkward angle, taking up most of the bed. I got up for a snack earlier and couldn't get back to my rightful position on my own bed!

     I have found my place among other pitbull lovers, among other Democratic Women in NC, among other disabled women veterans, and among other parents of kids with ADHD and ODD on Facebook. We are all going through Hell, except the pitbull lovers. 

     I listened to Bernie Sanders speak last night. He spoke on behalf of the families who are going to be evicted, and against the distribution of wealth among billionaires? or millionaires?  Those who got the tax cuts and made tons of money during the pandemic. 

     Today is Friday and I am going to continue the laundry until I am done. I want to be able to clear the house of all clothing that no longer fits Caleb, and make room for the new stuff that I have been keeping in my room for safe keeping, until I can put it away where it belongs. Caleb needs to clean his mess on the kitchen island, and in the living room. I might have to go out and buy a new carpet cleaning machine from Lowes. 

     I lost one of my compression socks when I took it off in the middle of the night. I went looking for it yesterday and couldn't find it anywhere. I don't know what it is about socks that they just disappear.

     Bella followed me out here and is sleeping on the couch. She is so sweet and peaceful looking. I want to cuddle with her so badly. She's my big baby. 

     I have to clean out the bathroom too. Ugh. More work. 

     I read this meme on Facebook and it says by Yoko Akili, " If we really want to prevent suicide we might need to examine our cultural obsession with productivity and "success" and mean spiritedness and shade that attacks and belittles folks for not meeting these hyper capitalistic ableist standards of being a human being." I responded with "Yes! Disabled veteran here and I can't keep up the pace!"

     Also a post about 9/11 came up, and asked "Where were you when the world stopped turning?" I responded "I was at the University of NC at Greensboro freshman dorm, my first semester away from home." 

     So, yes, to day is September 11th. I do remember that day in 2001. I can see myself standing in my dorm room watching the tv screen as the world watched what was happening. I worried for my family, in particular, Fernando, who I knew to work in New York City. I didn't know what to do. I was in shock. Just months prior I was dealing with bomb threats to my high school after a couple of "kids" ran into their school and shot a whole bunch of people. The world was a scary place to be. 

     Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. He will be 61 years old. I wonder how he is doing and if he regrets behaving the way he did while he was here. 

     I never thought my family would be this divided. I never expected to find myself all alone. I thought I would live with my dad until the day he died. He needs a lot of professional help. At my best, I was only a medic. 

     I hope my relationship with Caleb is so much better. I feel like my life was cut short due to being hospitalized. I feel like I had so much to give, and now I am stuck. I am stuck trying to figure out another way to live my life fruitfully. I don't think he will understand where I am coming from until he is older. That is why it is important for me to write down my feelings now. One day, he may want to know what I was really going through while he was growing up. There is a lot I don't tell him. He is not old or mature enough to understand. 

     Dew is no good when it is flat. I opened a can yesterday that had been beaten up. I was hopeful it was still good. It wasn't, at all. It was like flavored water, in a bad way. Yuck!

     Well, it is now 3:41 a.m. here and I am running low on things to write. I just opened up a new dew though. 

     I am vaping up clouds. I don't know what to do with myself. I am not ready to go back to bed. It feels good in here though. I'm not hot. I'm actually feeling the coolness. I almost feel like starting my day. I know that's crazy, right? 

     I better go start the dryer, and go back to bed. Caleb is going to run me down in the morning. 

5 Year Journal Day 112

     Today's prompt is " What do you want to say when someone asks "What do you do?"" I want to say I am disabled veteran helping other disabled veterans.

     It is now 4:53 a.m. here. I am still tired, but Caleb ended up sleeping with me and Bella in my bed, and he is blocking my CPAP. Typically when I wake up in the middle of the night, I turn my CPAP off when I take my mask off. This keeps it from going into overdrive. It also makes it easier to put back on when I am ready to go back to sleep. 

     Caleb was scared to sleep alone last night. He is afraid of something called "Siren Head."

     Yesterday I had a fibromyalgia day, and stayed in bed. I felt throbbing all over and didn't feel right. I also went to Amsterdam Life and bought a bottle of e-juice, even though I said I wasn't going to. I ran out and within 20 minutes was at the damn store. I am an addict. I am not proud of myself.

     Yesterday I received my absentee ballot. I need a witness and do not know where I am going to get one. This could be a problem. 

     I am all out of Dew. It sucks.

     Bella's ears look way better than when I started treatment. I have not looked at her paws lately, but she has not been licking them like she was either. Her eyebrow looks like it is healing, although it is still pink from where she was scratching. 

     Today Caleb has his occupational therapy appointment in person. I might ask his therapist to be my witness. 

     Caleb ate his whole plate at dinner tonight. I made a london broil and broccoli for dinner. He started us on baked beans for dinner. I was not feeling well, so I think he was trying to feed me so I could feel better. 

     I sent him the weirdest text message the night before last. I was trying to tell him to come take his medication for the night. That's not what I typed though. I'm a little worried that I'm losing my mind. 

     Last night I had to do something about those compression socks. My ankles were itching so badly. I took them off real quick, because I was tired of itching. 

     Caleb saw that I wasn't wearing socks with my diabetic shoes and flipped out. LOL He knows how seriously I take care of my feet and my shoes, and couldn't believe it. 

     Caleb managed to stay out of trouble all day yesterday. I am glad because really I couldn't do anything. 

     Caleb needs a haircut pretty badly. We need groceries, and we have money on the EBT card as of yesterday. I need to go to the post office to mail some things out. We will probably spend today doing those errands. I need to "defunk and rerag" as my dad would say. I have been trying to keep up and falling further and further behind. Adding Bella's treatments to the routine cost me time and energy. Waking up at odd times early in the morning is certainly not helping me be productive during the day.  

     I need to ask for another eye ointment prescription, this time with multiple refills available. I need to restart using the prescription oral care products my dental team has given me. 

     Considering what I deal with on a daily basis, I am doing ok, however, that is not the scale I measure myself by. I measure myself by what I imagine a normal person does. By that standard, I suck. 

     I have to put on my calendar the time and date for the food pantry pickup. I think it is coming up. I will have to find new recipes, as I don't know how to cook some of the stuff on the list that they are going to be giving out. I am ever so grateful to get free food. I missed the last pickup. I misplaced the letter and didn't put the time and date on my phone calendar to remind me. 

     I was hoping to have some cash after my next pay day, but it looks like I am going to be paying back the credit card for what I bought for Bella when I didn't have cash on hand. Sucks, but I'd do anything to make my fur baby healthy and well. 

     Caleb and I need to get our flu shots. We might go on Saturday when the CVS opens up. I was going to try last Saturday, but I forgot, and didn't wake up in time. 

     Bella is curled up at the foot of the bed, under Caleb, who is curled up in a ball on the left side of the bed. He generates so much heat for such a small person. Or maybe I am the one generating the heat. Either way, I was starting to get hot. 

     I think Bella has a whole new appreciation for me, now that I have been treating her for allergies, ear mites, and diarrhea. I bought enough supplies to last for a while, in case I need some of them again. I bought her chewing treats when I placed my order from Chewy. She loves pig ears, cow ears, and rib bones. I also bought her a few friends to play with and chew on too. One is an orange fox, one is a brown bear, and one is a dental chew gorilla. 

     Rachel wasn't feeling well yesterday either. I hope she feels better today.

     I am feeling pretty blah. I am glad the window unit AC is back on. It was getting too warm in here. 

     I wish I could have done better for my family. I wish I could provide more for my family. I wish it didn't constantly feel like I was close to the end of my life. Fernando apparently thinks I am living off the government unrightfully. John has lied to him about my ability to pay for things as a result. It's not a good thing to Fernando to serve in the military. What choice did I have? No one was willing to help me pay for college. I could not afford to live on my own by working the type of jobs I could get without a college degree. I wanted to get out of the slums. I was scared to live where I lived. There was a gun shooting in the parking lot that I witnessed. There were police home invasions of crack houses in my neighborhood. I was depressed. I didn't have money. I couldn't hold a job for very long. I outgrew everything I tried within a few months. I was very bright and learned pretty quickly. That's what's so depressing now. I am not that sharp anymore. I have dulled down with the lack of sleep and the increase of medications. 

     I did escape the ghetto. I enlisted in the Army and I travelled to Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri for basic training. I travelled to Ft. Sam Houston, Texas for Healthcare Specialist AIT. I travelled to Ft. Lee, Virginia for Unit Supply Specialist AIT. Last, but not least, I travelled to Seoul, Korea for my duty station. 

     I never returned to the ghetto, and I hope I never do. 

      

5 Year Journal Day 111

      Today's prompt is "How many times did you curse today?" Less than 5 times. 

     It is now 4:07 a.m. here. I was having trouble staying asleep. I don't really know why. 

     Yesterday I had a brain-fucked day. Right before I laid down at 7:00 a.m., after writing my blog, I found out that my half-sister, Sherri, blocked me on Facebook. I have not spoken to Sherri in months. It was confusing. Why did she feel the need to block me? It was upsetting because I do not have her contact information, and Facebook was the only way we communicated. She has two little boys, my nephews. Now I will not be able to watch them grow up. Now I will not be able to call and check on them. Now she will not be able to watch Caleb grow up. Now she will not be able to call and check on us.

     From what my mom says, she did not like "all the negative posts", which I am assuming she is referring to the Trump-hate posts. Well, if that's the case, maybe she should have just "snoozed" my posts for 30 days, not blocked me from her life completely, but hey, what do I know, right? 

     I couldn't stop obsessing all morning, until I had my Mindfulness Yoga class with the VA for Disabled Women Veterans. I was irritable to say the least. After yoga, I had lunch and went to take a nap. I rested for hours, starting with the use of my alpha-stim. 

     If she was able to make a cold-hearted decision like that against us, I should just make my peace with it, and walk away. Obviously, it's not worth fighting for. 

     Caleb made dinner for us last night. I took my medications, and gave Bella her treatments. She is clear of diarrhea! I'm so happy about that. So that was my day, pretty unproductive, but I had a mental battle in my head for most of the day. 

     I hurt myself doing gentle yoga. I was doing a hip opening exercise and felt burning. I paused for a few seconds, but continued when the burning subsided. I thought it was just temporary, but the burning continued long after the yoga was over. I had a lot of popping and cracking sounds during yoga. I really don't move as much as I need to. I need to stretch more often. My neck was particularly bad. 

     At one point, I was going to become a VA claims agent with the DAV. They require training for a year. I wanted to help other veterans with their claims. When I realized that I would not be able to drive to Wilmington as often as necessary, I thought I would study the regulations by myself and take the test and work for myself. I bought the regulation manuals. I got sidetracked with my dad and Sharon living here. They both had health problems. I was working on my dad's VA claim. He had a few hundred pages of medical records that I needed to sort through and determine what could be done. I began working on it, but it was tedious. It was hard to get work that took more than a few minutes done because I was constantly being interrupted by one person or another. I think I was able to sort through more than 100 pages. I was looking for clues to help with his claim. He was forced to move out before I was able to complete what I was doing. 

     I was working to get him either 100% rated directly, or by unemployability. Either way would open up dental services at the VA, which he desperately needed. He has more diagnoses than I do. He was an Airborne soldier and had more injuries on the job. He also served longer than I did. 

     He could really use the increase in income, as it is substantial compared to what he is currently getting. He would be able to afford appropriate housing for his needs. I care about my dad...still. I wish I could have gone through all the documents for him. He has lost most of his vision in one eye, and is slowly losing vision in the other eye due to diabetes complications. He can not read the small print.

     I did help him through the Social Security Disability application and process. He did not have enough work credits to be approved. 

     I was trying to get funds for Sharon by applying for the caretakers' payment. She never answered the calls from the VA, so the process was halted, and the application closed. I applied more than once, and she never answered the damn phone or returned the call to VA. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

     My dad turns 61 this year. He will be able to get Social Security Retirement payments in a few years. Sharon is already getting Social Security Retirement payments. I was monitoring the budget when they lived with us. I was trying to get them out of debt. Every time I saved money in their accounts, they had some reason to spend what I spent months saving. It was really frustrating. 

     I tried to get their wardrobes in order so that they both had clothes to wear that fit and did not have stains or holes in them. 

     I tried to encourage healthy eating, and not eating fast food. I tried to encourage my dad to stay away from foods with sugar in them. When I was not allowed to drive because I had a seizure, my dad drove us everywhere we needed to go. When I was able to drive us again, I drove us everywhere. I tried to visit Mathew and family as much as possible while he was stationed at Ft. Bragg. I drove us to Ft. Gordon to see Mathew and family. 

     Despite us living so close to the beach, I don't think we ever went. I was more tired when my dad and Sharon were here. I don't think I got my CPAP until about 3 years ago. I was sleeping on the couch and the tv was on all day and all night. There was never a quiet time. My dad would stay awake all night, and web browse and/or talk on the phone at the dinner table, across the room from where I was trying to sleep. Lights were always on.  

     My dad and Sharon would sleep all day. I would sleep too. I never felt rested. 

     When Caleb and I got the house back to ourselves, I had no other choice than to focus on myself more. I started using my computer for more than paying the bills twice a month. I started keeping journals and records of things that I think are important to note. I have my own workspace that is not cluttered with my dad's junk. I have my own room, and my own special needs bed. I have a half-bathroom to myself. I have fewer people to clean up after, that's for sure. I don't have to raise the the thermostat because people are cold, leaving me to sweat all day and all night. I don't have to buy name brand or organic foods. I don't have to argue or listen to arguing every day. It's so much more peaceful around here. 

     We had plans to buy a house in South Carolina because veterans do not pay property taxes there. My dad, Sharon, Caleb, Bella , and I were all going to move and live the rest of their lives together. It made me very anxious to think abut moving, but it could have saved us a lot of money. I still think about moving. I don't want to start over with the VA anytime soon, so I won't be moving far, if I do move. When you appreciate your medical team, you don't leave them. I get the care I need when I need it from my VA clinic, usually. That is not guaranteed every where I go. I am not treated badly. I am not talked down to. I am not treated less than because I am a woman. I read of a lot of abuses happening at VA clinics across the country. I don't want to fall into that. 

     I guess I do require quiet time. I require to time alone. I require time to sleep in peace. I require time to meditate and let go of things that are not in my control. I can't be in a house where others are sleeping all day and awake all night. Unfortunately, I have not been able to sleep through the night, and I think they may be the initial cause. I am awake most of the day though, and I go to sleep early at night. I have much more productive days now. 

     I could not leave Caleb with Sharon by themselves for long because she would get mean with him due to his behavior problems. She believed she could parent out the behavior issues. She didn't succeed with Mathew! Lord knows he was more than a challenge growing up, and she was around since we were in middle school. She didn't impact him in a positive way. Hell, she has been with my dad for more than 20 years, and hasn't succeeded in changing him! WTF? ADHD and ODD can not be beaten out of a child. It's a difference in brain function, not a result of bad parenting. Both my dad and Sharon believe I am a bad parent according to what they were yelling as the police watched them remove their belongings from my house. 

     The Police escorted them away from my house due to a claim made to the Child Protection Services about my dad's behavior against Caleb. So, who's the bad parent? 

     I am doing the best I can with Caleb. He is developmentally delayed. I must have patience... Lots of patience. It is much easier to love Caleb without the haters around. Christinia was no different. She thought I was a bad parent too. She hated Caleb. She did not see the faults of her own parenting. She only saw what she believed to be the faults in mine. She has practically abandoned her first child, and can't deal with her second child. I think that pretty much defines our differences. I have never abandoned Caleb. When he was in foster care, I paid child support and brought him things he needed to our visitation appointments. She is more than $30,000 behind in child support for her first child. So I am getting over what she said to me in hate.

     It is the anniversary of the time my dad and Sharon were forced to move out, and Christinia had just moved in with her daughter. I had to get a domestic violence lawyer and go to court to settle the protection order. John said he wouldn't sign the protection order unless he got his SUV from my yard first. He said he didn't care about either of us, just the SUV. He was given 30 days to pick up his belongings, with the sheriff or police escort on the property. He never came to pick up his stuff. He tried to arrange to pick up his SUV after the 30 day period, but it had already been towed away to the junk yard. The SUV was titled in my name, and the registration had expired. I was not going to get into trouble for him. I was not going to try to re-register the vehicle, as it was not even driveable. Vehicles in NC have to be inspected yearly before re-registration. Besides, I was not going to pay the fees on something that was not mine. It was an eye sore in the yard. 

     It's been a year and I still have some of John and Sharon's junk on my porch. It's not like I don't see that shit everyday. We have been slowly throwing away the garbage with the weekly trash. We have made a lot of progress, but now I have my old furniture on the porch too. If it's not one thing, it's another.

     I'm trying to keep my head up. I guarantee that these people are not thinking about me or Caleb at all. I have had to get over my fears of having seizures. I just try to avoid situations that might cause them or leave me in a dangerous situation. I got diagnosed with diabetes the winter of 2018. I have been trying to lower my A1C ever since. I got diagnosed with high blood pressure the Spring of 2019. I have been trying to control that ever since. I'm really trying to get my health back. It's a work in progress. I have gained so much weight in the past 7 years. It might take another 7 years to lose it all. 

     It all starts with becoming more mindful, and not being on auto-pilot so often. I was on auto-pilot as a means of survival for years. It's not an easy change to make. The more mindful I become, the more I can make choices and decide to change. 

     I have had to not only let my guard down, but build my walls up also. I am sensitive to some things and not so sensitive to others. I have had to learn to engage in my own life, and not simply survive it. I have taken a psychological beating these past years. It's been one chaotic event after another. It's a miracle I've managed to make as much progress through it all as I have. I am in different stages of healing from a number of things that have happened. I am lucky to have kept the same therapist and psychiatrist over these 7 years. It has helped me a lot to have that kind of security in who I am working with on my issues. Not only that, but both providers are also women.  

     It's been difficult at times because parenting Caleb has taken so much of my life force. I've been exhausted with all the issues we have had to face together. I am just now recovering. I started recovering when Christinia and Harlee moved out and she tried to break me down. You aren't going to break me down. I am the cockroach of the de Mello family. I will survive it and prosper. 

     I really appreciate the support I've gotten from Nichole, Aunt Lisa, Rachel, and to a much lesser extent, my mom. Nichole has been there for me when I felt out of control or losing my cool. She was also there for me when Caleb was in the mental hospital. They all helped me separate myself from the madness that was John  and Sharon. 

     Nichole may not be aware of it, but she helped me regulate my daily routine. I looked forward to her call every day. She was a big part in my mental health recovery. She made it easier to laugh. Once I found my laughter, it became easier to take on the big problems I have been facing without so much negativity from my own thinking. 

     None of them disowned me when I felt alone in the world. If I could have seen how helpful they could all be, I would have reached out much sooner. None of them disowned me when I told them I was in a relationship with Christinia. Now, we never did more than hug and kiss on the lips, but still. I was not previously identifying myself as other than straight. They never treated me differently because of it. I do not know how they feel about LGBTQ+ people, but I did not lose my place in their lives because of it. To be honest, I thought I would lose a great many people in my life. 

     Nichole was there to listen to every little detail of what was going on in my daily life. I don't know if she was aware of how dependent I had become on her being around for me to communicate with. Apparently, I can not go the day without reaching out to another adult, especially now that we are stuck at home. 

     Now that she is not in my daily life, I have moved on to communicating with other people. The need is still there. I prefer staying in touch with Nichole over others, because I like to know what's going on with my brother and their kids, and of course Nichole, herself. I miss being in the Army a lot. I have no chance of ever going back. Mathew is living a similar Army life to what I would have lived if my plans for my future had come true.  

     When I was in Korea, I had plans to apply either to go to nursing school or do what I needed to become a Logistics Warrant Officer. I had applications for both in my work files I created. The Army would have paid for my school and housing while I was still in the Army, and I could have come back to duty as an Officer and Nurse, generally debt-free, and still earning a paycheck the whole time at school. I loved my job as a Unit Supply Specialist and wanted to learn more about the field of Logistics. I met a female Warrant Officer in Logistics and she was very motivational towards me pursuing my goals. Between her and the XO, I was hopeful that there were more influential and motivational people in the Army. 

     I was really good at my MOS, not so good at soldiering. I thought maybe I could work for the Army as a civilian too. I was trying to find my way around and figure out where my place was. I was not aware of the term "toxic leadership" at the time, but that is definitely what I was suffering from. I mean I had not been in front of my NCOIC for a minute when he asked "This is my soldier?" with distaste. Not one full day had gone by before he tried to have sex with me. He was married with children. I was unhappily married, waiting to settle in my unit, and find a lawyer to divorce. I was an E-2, he was an  E-6. I was at my first duty station, in a foreign country for the first time... So fucked up.   

     I worked with that asshole for more than a year. I should have reported him, but I didn't know any better. Before I left Korea, I did go to IG. I wasn't mentally prepared for all the work that was required to file a claim. I felt hopeless. No one could help me. The real reason I decided that being a soldier wasn't worth the fight, was because of the people who were in power over me abusing me. That's why I came up with the excuse that I didn't have a family care plan. I had to think in advance because I needed to be discharged honorably in order to be eligible for benefits. Ugh. 

     Every single day was unnecessarily stressful because I had to work with people who apparently didn't like me. I had a baby to protect. I wasn't going to allow anyone to keep me from my baby. My baby meant more to me than working in that environment for 20 years that's for damn sure. 

     I wanted to do something I could be proud of. I wanted to be a good example to my son. 

     It's 7:06 a.m. here now. I better go to bed. 

5 Year Journal Day 110

      Today's prompt is "What famous person would you bring back from the dead to have dinner with?" Albert Einstein or Nikola Tesla.

     It is 4:00 a.m. here now. I woke up because I was too warm and under my compression socks itch. Yesterday was pretty slow. Caleb did wake me up at 7:30 in the morning, and I wanted to sleep in. We ran out to get the pill form of an anti-diarrheal for Bella since she would not drink the generic pepto bismol I tried to give her. Later in the day I played some music on the bluetooth speaker in the kitchen, and sang while I washed dishes by hand. It felt good. I was singing an album from Switchfoot that I would sing to Caleb as a newborn, when we were in Korea. 

     I spent quite a bit of time in bed resting. My body just sunk in to the bed, which is not normal for me. I have a restless body, especially my feet and legs. 

     It was a peaceful day. It was a dismal day outside though. There was not much sunshine. 

     I wanted to mop the kitchen floor, but all of our mops have been destroyed somehow. I wanted to move everything around on the kitchen counter tops so I could clean underneath and behind everything. I wanted to spray the kitchen with this essential oil based insecticide after I did these things. I didn't get that far. I took a nap after I spent about an hour washing dishes, and didn't get up until dinner time. So I quickly cleaned the area I was going to use to cut the cabbage, and made dinner instead of finishing cleaning the kitchen like I had planned on doing. 

     Today I start the disabled women veterans' yoga with the VA online. 

     I think Caleb and I will go look for weights to continue our science experiment. 

     We also need to find some kind of way to keep the gatorade bottles together.

     I am running out of time to get all the laundry washed. I need to have it done before Saturday when Caleb's friend's birthday party is. Her brother is the one we are giving the extra clothes that no longer fit Caleb to. 

     I am supposed to go to the birthday party in my swimsuit, but I don't know if I fit my swimsuit. I have not worn a swimsuit all year. 

     I don't have a lot crossing my mind right now. 

     I spent some time working on the budget for the next few months. I wanted to try to forecast when I might have extra cash. It's hard to do since I have unexpected expenses all the time. I am not going to have extra cash for the holidays like I hoped. Sucks. Caleb's birthday is New Year's Eve. Christmas is right before that. 

     I am almost finished with the ejuice I have. My e-cigarette is on the verge of dying. There is no better time to try to quit. I refuse to buy another e-cigarette. Man. I am going to turn all kinds of crazy without that thing! I am going to be irritable as fuck! I am not looking forward to the process of trying to live without vaping. 

     I think they are planning to send the kids back to public school soon. I wouldn't want Caleb to go to school. If he were to become infected with the coronavirus, it's highly possible that he would end up with life long lung damage. It's also possible that he would pass it on to me and end up killing me. It's not worth it for us. Maybe it is worth the risk to others who believe COVID-19 is fake. People are still fighting about having to wear a mask in public places. 

     I am trying to figure out why Clorox has not restocked items at stores to clean surfaces. I find it highly suspicious. 

     My finger is healing. It did not hurt me while I washing dishes today. 

     So it occurred to me after all this time, that I do not have to measure my food or weigh it out. If I am holding my weight steady, I am eating the amount of calories to sustain this weight. If I want to lose weight, I can make my plates like I do normally, then take a portion away from it. That's how I can cut my calories. I don't need to know how many calories I am eating. It's tedious to count calories. I need to be mindful about eating small plates as a whole. I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with my diet. I eat wholesome home made meals. I just eat too much... usually because it tastes too good to throw away. So, what I can do is take the portion away from my plate and save it for lunch the next day. That way I am not wasting food, which I can not afford to do anyway, and I get to eat lots of tasty meals. Seems so simple!

     I would like to start walking on the incline trainer again. Now that I have gotten most of my big projects done, I will have time and energy to put into doing just that. I will need to find some music that makes me want to move, but not go too fast. I thought about looking for marching cadences to listen to. 

     I use to listen to music during everything I did. I gave that up after I was hospitalized. I never really got my groove back after that. I use to sing all the time. I would dance as I worked out in the gym. I loved music. It was the key to my soul. I have not bought music in many years. I only listen to music in the car while I am driving, and it is usually 98.7 Modern Rock. I like the song "Zen" by X-Ambassadors, the clean version. 

     I found the Led Zepplin station on Pandora and I like to listen to that too but it doesn't play loud enough in the car for me to hear it well. 

     I haven't watched a new movie in years either. I don't normally watch tv at all. I use to watch the tv shows House, Criminal Minds, NCIS, Grey's Anatomy, and maybe a few others that I have forgotten.

     I have gotten better about making sure I am not over-drinking gatorade zero. I make sure I only drink one to make my Miralax drink, otherwise I am drinking my sugar-free flavored water or Dew. 

     I have managed to stop feeling so sickly by eating cereal in the morning before I take my medications. The unsweetened vanilla almond milk helps keep the medications from making me feel badly. I have also determined that I have to take the curcumin in the middle of all the pills I take so it does not come back up. I have GERD so... I don't need any reason to cause upset. 

     I will be able to take Caleb to the beach soon. The weather should be cooling soon, and now the beach has reopened. It was closed because of damages caused by Hurricane Isaias.

     I weigh in on Mondays. I regained the 4.6 lbs. I lost the week before. It must be water weight. 

     I totally ate too much pasta on Saturday. I was beyond full after dinner. It was an emotional response to the day I had. Carbs make me feel better.  

     I picked a scab that was healing on my left shoulder. It was hardened skin and bothering me. I made it bleed. At least it was only a small portion of the whole healed wound. The scab is protruding now and I want to pick at it so badly. I just can't leave scabs alone. 

     So the protection order I have against my dad is going to expire soon. It was only for 1 year. I have the option to renew, but I am not going back to court, and besides I would need to be able to give the court an address to serve the order to my dad. I am still paying the credit card I used to pay for the lawyer the last time I went to court. 

     My dad's birthday is coming up too. It's hard not to think about him. I wonder if  Fernando shared his photos with him. I use his name, but he is my grandpa de Mello. It's a way of separating myself from the craziness that he has become. 

     My 10 year Army ETS date is coming up in November. I can't believe it has been 10 years already. I look at Mathew and envision what I could have been if I could have stayed in service. I could be a well respected senior leader in the Army by now, more than halfway to my retirement. I would be in a hell of a lot better physical shape, that's for damn sure! I wish I could have retired after 20-something years. I wouldn't be feeling like I haven't done anything worthwhile. I only served 4 years. I enlisted a second time before Caleb was born, but I couldn't complete the enlistment because I was struggling to be a single parent in the service overseas. My leadership was toxic. I was losing my mind! I wasn't medicated nearly enough for the depression I was suffering. I felt totally disconnected from the world. I was disconnected from my family at that point. No one wanted anything to do with me because I was pregnant, or because I had a baby. No one offered to help me. I was in Korea struggling by myself. I truly was an Army of One. 

     According to John (my dad) I should have an abortion. According to Sharon I should give the baby up for adoption. According to Marie (my mom) "You can't bring that baby here!" 

     Caleb is going to turn 12 this year, and people have really showed me their true colors. 

     This is the kind of treatment I am against. I drank alcohol one night, had sex, and got pregnant. For years I had live as a whore. I was to be ashamed that I got pregnant. I was to feel guilty for not knowing the father's contact information. I was a SINNER! I was dirty. I was bad. I was filthy. I was used. I was no good. It was my fault. 

     I did not plan to get pregnant. It was not my choice. I am not even sure if it was my choice to have sex that night!

     But what the Fuck is wrong with me, right? 

     Have sex and you gotta live with the consequences though.

     I gave up my career for my son. I immediately chose to return to college and finish my degree. I whole-heartedly projected that I would work for the government as a contractor, working in logistics. I got my business degree in Operations Management and minus one class, Management of Information Systems. I had plans.

     I never stopped trying to work. I even went to an interview once. I was over-dressed for the job, and very uncomfortable in the interview. I was afraid that I would be passed over due to the tattoo on my forehead. I tried to cover it up with makeup, but I couldn't make it disappear. 

     I have to suffer the consequences of my actions when I was not taking in reality. The tattoo has been on my forehead as a constant reminder of what happened since I left the hospital 7 years ago. It has started to fade. 

     I tried to run my own businesses from home, but they never worked out. They were all ultimately scams of one form or another, that seemed legit in the beginning but as I spent more time diving in to the companies I was partnering with, realized how they were bad. 

     I don't live in a city. There aren't many jobs I would feel comfortable doing long term around where I live. There aren't any jobs that require my skillset and education around here. I'm fucked.

     I refuse to commute an hour one way a day to get to a job that isn't even going to pay me a living wage, and isn't going to allow for my disabilities and all the time I have to take off to go to my appointments, and Caleb's appointments. 

     I gave everything I have to John, Sharon, Christinia, and Harlee. All my time and energy went to these people. Christinia and Harlee only stayed for some months, but John and Sharon were here for more than a year. All of them were disabled in multiple ways each. At the same time, I was trying to raise Caleb.

     John even had a mini stroke and open heart surgery! The shit wasn't easy to deal with.

     I mean just the fact that I haven't been able to sleep in my own room for several years ought to give you some kind idea of how I was living. I was not sleeping on a bed at all. I was sleeping on the couch. For YEARS, not a weekend. This only changed over the last couple of months. I am now sleeping in my room, on a bed that is made for people who need help getting up, sleeping with the head up, sleeping with the feet up, and a bubble where the butt is lowered.

     I lucked out with buying this old house when I did because I couldn't afford to stay in the apartment where I lived while I was attending college anymore. The rent was increasing by more than $100 a month every year. Now, I look at the rent for the same apartment I may have paid $800/month for, is now between $1200-$1800 a month. That's crazy! 

     Does living in an older house have its problems? You bet it does, but they are livable. I feel safer in this area too. 

     I lucked out buying the Mazda too. I needed a vehicle with a trunk that would fit the groceries, and seating for Caleb. We were outgrowing the Volvo. It wasn't new. It was pre-owned, and I wasn't scammed by the dealership either. I bought it for a fair price according to Kelley Blue Book. 

     I didn't buy Bella. She was given to me for adoption privately with all accessories for free.

     I put the fence up in the backyard for her. 

     I negotiated the prices on all the appliances I had to buy when I moved in to this house. at Lowe's. They were all "open box" purchases. I didn't have enough money to buy them all for the listed prices and asked the salesperson if he could help me buy the fridge (had a small dent in the door), the dishwasher (had several small dents in the door), the washing machine, and the dryer. I told him my situation, and he was happy to make the sales on my terms.

     I bought a shed last year to move stuff from what is now the guest room, out of the way.  

     I gutted the house and replaced the old carpet with new carpeting and padding. I had someone paint the rooms with paints that I bought on clearance. I replaced both the toilets when they stopped working at the same time. I replaced the flooring in my bedroom closet after the carpeting flooded from a water leak. I had the leak repaired, of course. I had the light fixtures replaced in most of the rooms, to make it brighter in this dark ass house. I replaced the incoming water lines to the whole house. I replaced the HVAC unit. Most recently I have replaced parts to the kitchen sink, had the freezer repaired, and had the HVAC unit repaired.

     There is always something. I have to replace the flooring in the kitchen, since Sharon created a giant hole in the linoleum. I have to replace the cabinet under the sink in the kitchen because of water damage from when the sink was leaking. The wiring to the window AC unit needs to be professionally done through the house. Right now it is just a temporary fix. The screen to the porch needs to be replaced. The house needs to be repaired on the outside, and painted. I have a long list of things I have on hold because I am constantly broke. 

     Let's not forget that I have a giant pile of old furniture that can not be donated on my porch. Yeah. I gotta come up with money to have it all hauled away.

     It's one thing after another. I am still paying for the movers I had to use to bring the "new" furniture that was "free" to the house. They say the U-Haul is $29.99 but I spent more like $80 for the use of a truck for a few hours, a minimal amount of miles away from the pick up location.

     I am really doing the best I can. I can not do any better than this. At least I can not see myself doing better than what I am already doing. Everyday I try. Every day I work towards my goals. 

    I wish I had the motivation to look nice everyday. I wish I could shower every day. I wish I was attractive everyday. I can't keep up with the standards. I look like a bum most days. As a matter of fact, I told Rachel that I look like an old man with my shorts on and knee high compression socks. 

     I want to grow my "warrior locks" back out again. I want to look feminine and graceful, but I am work-centered. I am utilitarian. As long as it works, it's ok. That's one reason I take photos of myself in dresses. I wish I could do that everyday, but that's not my reality. 

     Getting this furniture was probably the best thing that happened to me this year. It prompted me to clean up my house, and once I am able to move all the old furniture out and put things where I want them, it will be truly awesome to just chill out in the living room. 

     The time is now 6:42 a.m. here. The sun is coming up and it is getting brighter outside. Caleb fell asleep on the couch last night. Bella came out to the living room to sleep on the floor beside the couch just before I got up. The tv was on Sponge Bob, but now it's on sleep mode.

     I only have one Dew left in the whole house, I think. I don't know if I should drink it, or wait for later. It's time I go lay down. Caleb will be up before I know it.