Grieving Hurts, Day 6

     It is now 0346, and I have been awake for more than an hour. I listened to Erica Rock's January tele-call. I was going through my emails for updates about when I would be receiving tax documents. I know I am going to have a lot of forms this year. 

    Yesterday I left the house at 11:30 am to go to Wilmington for my doctor appointment. The appointment was at 1:00 pm, and we got to the VA Clinic a little early. I had an appointment with the neurologist yesterday. Dr. Oster is a good doctor to me, and his nurse is nice. While I was waiting to be called back, Caleb and I were talking to an older veteran sitting closeby. He was a 70-year old African American 82nd Airborne veteran. He was a nice guy to talk to. He was talking to Caleb about fishing while I went to the bathroom. On the way back home from Wilmington, we stopped at the Harris Teeter in Leland. I bought a lot of groceries because yesterday also happened to be payday. 

    Before I went anywhere yesterday, I checked my bank account. I got paid by the VA yesterday, so I spent the morning going through my bills and paying them. 

    The night before last night, I told Dona Sharon I would turn the heat on so she could take her shower. I had the air conditioning on because I can't sleep in the heat. When I woke up yesterday, I put the heat on to 70 degrees. 

    She took a shower while Caleb and I were at Harris Teeter grocery shopping. Mission accomplished. Dona Sharon and I are both disabled. Taking a shower for either of us is a difficult task. 

    I bought a lot of mushrooms. I bought a lot of fresh vegetables. I accidentally bought sardines instead of anchovies. 

    I stopped at Lowe's Foods on the way home too. I wanted to buy Paczki for Dona Sharon. I ended up buying other stuff too. There were a lot of groceries to put away. 

    I was going to cook, but I changed my mind every time my plans changed. It was about 4:30 pm when we got home. I was tired and did not want to cook anything anymore after doing all that grocery shopping in one day. 

    I was waiting all day to see if the home loan refinance would fund. It finally funded while I was out grocery shopping. I am now waiting for all my credit card accounts to reflect the payments made to bring the balances to zero. What a sense of relief when the money hit my account! I was really sweating over it! I mean I had no gas money.

    Now, I need a strategy to stay out of debt. I have 1 program that I am enrolled in that is expensive. I count it as one of my business investments because I can add it to my list of services that I can offer and charge for once I am certified. 

    I am focusing more on Caleb right now. Actually, I am still focusing on my dad and the mortgage refinance. Here's why. I have to drive over to the county where my dad died in order to handle his affairs. I have no interest in driving there because I can't drive back the same day. I can't spend that much time driving in one day. I need to find another way to get there to the courthouse and set up his estate so I can have the authority to close his accounts for him. About the mortgage refinance, well... there is work to be done on the house prior to completing all the transactions expected in the refinance contract. I am having Pride Restoration come to the house to complete the work I need work done to bring the house up to the standard required for the VA Appraiser to give consent to the value of the appraisal (a requirement for VA home loans). There was a 2-3 week lead time to scheduling when the work could be completed. I think I have another 1.5 weeks before work can start. In the meantime, I need the girls to come over and help me with my laundry still. I had a good laundry day the other day, but I have not been able to have another good laundry day since then. I need a shower too. Back to what I was trying to say. I have not had Caleb in the front of my thoughts in awhile because I was worried about my dad, the mortgage refinance, and Dona Sharon moving. The holidays were happening, and Caleb's birthday happened. I feel like I'm just now catching my breath. 

    I need the girls to maintain the carpet cleaning regimen for me, and help me keep the laundry moving. I need to reschedule a time to teach them level 1 Reiki too. I don't want to forget about that.

    The guys will be coming over to fix the problems both inside and outside the house. There will be strangers inside and outside my house for I don't know how long. It causes me stress. I have already paid the 50% deposit though, so that is not one of my worries anymore. The rest of the bill will be paid upon the completion and inspection of the work done by the appraiser. The appraiser return cost is $155 or so. So there is that. 

    I don't have to worry about how I am going to pay extremely high credit card bills this month any more. I can breathe. I can stop stressing about that. I want to maintain good credit, but I was going to struggle with payments since taking on my dad's final expenses all by myself. I did think to create a gofundme page for my dad's expenses, but only raised half of what it cost to bury him. I needed money faster than I could raise it, so I charged everything on my credit cards. That's the reason the bills were high all of a sudden. Then on top of that, I had to pay almost another $5,000 by credit cards to schedule the work I need to have completed in order to make this refinance contract go through. Ugh. So, then add the plumbing work, which was about $500 or so more on my credit cards. I didn't have any cash to cover these expenses. I was struggling to pay for the motel expense going back and forth to Lumberton to arrange burial, and then to go back again to help Dona Sharon move out. 

    I've been listening to 396Hz Solfeggio root chakra guided meditation in the mornings. It makes a difference in how I show up in the world. I am going to continue for a while. 

    Anyway, I now have cash in my account. I can breathe because food will be available and the bills will be paid. 

    I am cooking boneless pork ribs in the crockpot on low. On the low cooking setting, it takes 8 hours to cook, which is fine for overnight cooking. 

    Dona Sharon brought up bologna sandwiches in a conversation, so I made sure to buy her bologna to eat while I was shopping. 

    Today marks 7 days of being nicotine-free. I am still vaping, but it is zero-nicotine e-juice. 

    I hate quitting vaping.

    I am still waiting for the state of Arkansas to let us know what is going on with my child support order. I do not know anything yet, but I know I have been without child support for 14 years and struggled all that time. 

    I asked Dona Sharon to help support us by sitting with Caleb while he works on his online curriculum. She agreed. I have to pre-test Caleb in all the subjects to meet him where he is currently. He has been delayed his whole life, so it's no surprise that he continues to be behind. 

    Bubba and Bella need a visit to have their nails trimmed. I think they both need to take their meds too. 

    I have been avoiding doing any walking and have been working on kitchen cleaning with the energy I have instead. I am staying busy. It keeps me from being so depressed that I can't talk to my dad. I listen to music all of the time while cleaning the kitchen and cooking. 

    I asked Dona Sharon if my dad ever mentioned that he gave my mom VD while they were in Brazil while she was pregnant with me, with something that could have caused me to be blind. She said he never told her that. I told Dona Sharon that my Aunt Lisa confirmed that it happened as my mom said. I guess they were in Brazil together with my grandparents, aunt and uncle on my dad's side for one of the cousins' weddings. 

    I only brought it up because I was thinking about it the night before when I was trying to sleep. 

    In February, I start the Healing Trauma 9 month program by SoundsTrue; the Vocal Reosonance Method; continue Revelation Breathwork Facilitator certification requirements, and Reiki Next Steps requirements. I will be following the Magdalene Rose Temple. Erica Rock, Jana Carrey, and Elizabeth Peru still. I am trying to manage my training more than creating business right now. It's a lot of work that I have to do. I also have to be present for Caleb. 

    Bubba is being neutered this month. Hopefully, he will be calm afterwards. 

    Monarch Roofing asked if I still had the giant check from last year. I need to look for it. The last I knew, it was in the laundry room. 

    I'm going to make a mushroom soup today. I'm planning on spending a lot of time in the kitchen today. All the vegetables I am going to use need to be prepped. 

    I've been chatting with my ex-husband, Nigel, We should have gone to marriage counseling or something. I think we could have made it. Being separated while I was in Army training was hard for Nigel. It was hard for both of us because I only had 10 minutes on Sundays to call home. That is not enough time to describe everything that happened during the week. I miss him. I let him know. We still love each other. I told him that I don't want to grow old alone. 

    I'm getting tired again. It's a good time to go back to sleep. It's 5:15 am now. I've been awake for like 3 hours or so. Yeah, it's time for me to take a nap because I am going to be busy later today when I start cleaning and cooking.

    Oh yeah. I found out that Dave Matthews Band is coming to Wilmington to play a concert in May of this year. I really want to go but I don't know if I could handle being around all those people, with all those lights, the volume, the darkness, the heat outside, the driving home before and afterwards. I just don't know how to manage it yet, but I really want to take Caleb to see him live. 

    Anyway, it's nap time for me.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

Grieving Hurts, Day 5

     It is now 0733. Yesterday was a busy day. After taking my medications and supplements, I looked at the weekly ads for the grocery stores nearby. I then looked to see if the bacon in the fridge was any good. It was still good! I decided I was going to make bacon, and cook chili. Chili ingredients were on sale at Food Lion. Caleb and I went grocery shopping at Food Lion to get the needed ingredients for chili. We were almost home when I realized I forgot an ingredient. I did not buy the tomato sauce! I was already too tired to go back, and knew I needed to clean the kitchen prior to any cooking. Caleb brought in the groceries and I began washing dishes. I asked Caleb to empty the dishwasher before we went grocery shopping. He also took the kitchen trash out. I took my time washing dishes. I put on my iTunes playlist for "cleaning kitchen." It took a lot of elbow grease to clean out that pan I used for the meatloaf, but I got it clean! I made 3lbs. and 12 oz. of bacon yesterday. I cook bacon in the oven , 1 pound at a time. I didn't go back to the grocery store for tomato sauce, so I decided to wait to make chili today. 

    I can't eat chili, but it's chili season. I will likely make something I can eat for myself in addition to the chili. 

    I gotta prepare my medications and supplements. I feel weird without my nicotine. I am vaping 0mg/ml nicotine e-juice. I was vaping 6mg/ml, then dropped to 3mg/ml, and am now down to 0mg/ml. I hate the changes I've made, but I know it's the right thing to do. It's better for my health if I can quit vaping now. It's better for my finances too. Anyway, let me go real quick to get my pills ready. I will be right back. 

    I got the pills down. I just have to take my Victoza shot. I am listening to a guided meditation for the root chakra healing. I know I need to repeat this meditation every day for awhile. The music in the background is the first Solfeggio note, 396Hz. 

    Today is going to be a slow-moving day. I have to go to Walmart to restock on my drinks. I buy gallons of tea from there. They are sugar-free sweet tea jugs. 

    I am just listening to the end of this audio track. I was vaping and thinking about how much I hate changes to my routines. I hate quitting vaping. I hate trying to drink less Diet Mountain Dew. I hate trying to walk more frequently on the incline trainer. But... you know what? I hate thinking I'm causing myself health problems too. 

    Caleb isn't awake yet. That audio track just ended. Bubba hasn't started complaining to be let out yet. I have to go all the way over there to Southport to go to Walmart. LOL I don't have much money, so it will be a quick trip. 

    Tax season is just around the corner. I have to file personal and business tax returns this year. It's not going to be fun. I'm in the collecting tax forms stage right now.

    I guess I should get Caleb up so he can let the dogs out. I have to get ready to go out. My hair looks like I just rolled out of bed, because I did. I have to finish my morning routines. I have to give Caleb his medication too. Bubba needs his calming supplement. 

    I'm just going to enjoy going to Walmart for my drinks and the tomato sauce. I have to get gas on the way home. Then I will spend time cooking and cleaning when I get home again. Easy, peasy. Will smell so good too. It fills my heart with joy to make things that my family likes to eat that are also healthy. 

    I have to remember to water my houseplants today!

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

Grieving Hurts. Day 4

 Proof of life. I got a hot shower today and feel much better. I’ve been on hyper-drive since before my dad died, and I jumped into action even more afterwards. I’m slowing down because my body and mind can’t take that anymore. I had to work through feeling guilty for slowing down and taking days off. I need self-love too. I need time and space to recover too. I was the hardest hit by my dad’s death because I spent hours and hours a day talking to him on the phone. I’m now without that kind of support and I don’t know what to do about it.

Facebook Post:

    "My dad and I are both disabled veterans. We shared a long history together. A lot of ups and downs. I felt his death coming, but that doesn’t seem to make the absence of him from my life any easier to deal with.

He never really understood that I am neurodivergent (C-PTSD, depression, and Autism Spectrum Disorder).

I handle life a lot differently than someone who is neurotypical.

That’s what made our conversations more interesting. I miss my dad. I don’t think I will ever Not miss my dad.

Thank God for the tools I have at my disposal to regulate my body’s reactions to all the stresses. Even so, it’s amazing what one shower can do for me, followed by wearing pretty clothes that are soft and comfortable.

It’s hard to smile today. I’m exhausted and need rest. I need to find peace in all the things happening around me.

If you read this, let me know so I am not writing to myself. Thanks in advance."

    It is now 0314 and I have been awake for only a few minutes. I got up to get something to snack on and drink. Yesterday was a peaceful day. I wrote the above post in Facebook. I spent most of the day resting. I found paid for an app that has a lot of meditation music on it. I used it to heal my root chakra, clear my chakras, and fall into delta wave rest. It was a nice change.

    I did not cook. I did not clean. Well, I took a shower. I allowed myself to enjoy the effects the shower had on me. I was moved to slow down a couple of days ago. The transition from being manic/panic mode to rest was not an easy one. I have so many things I need to be doing right now. Taking a hot shower was restful and relaxing. I even puit on some new clothes that I wasn't sure would fit me right now, but they do. You see, I lost weight and bought clothes for my new size, but gained the weight back before being able to wear them. Now , some of them could be too small for me.

    I found out that Dave Matthews Band is coming to Wilmington this summer. I really want to take Caleb to see them. I don't know if I can manage it. I can't drive at night anymore, and the concert starts at 7:30 pm. Besides, I am normally in bed by then. We will see. It gives me hope to think I might be able to go.

    I finally made it to the closing of my refinance process. I am closing today with a notary coming over for me to sign the contract. It's such a relief. I was so stressed. Now all my credit cards will be paid off.

    I changed my mind about doing the new program with Jana Carrey right away. I just don't have the energy to give it right now. I have the Trauma Healing Program starting in February. I also start Vocal Resonance Method training. I still have to finish the Next Steps class requirements and the Revelation Breathwork Facilitator requirements too.

    I am going to have to hire someone to come over and put this library cart, 2 chairs, and a desk together. I think it's too much for Caleb to do by himself.

    I'm almost out of 3mg/ml nicotine e-juice. I will switch to 0 mg/ml nicotine next until I either run out, or I complete the withdrawal process and finally quit.

    I cut down on my Diet Mountain Dew intake yesterday by a lot. It makes a big difference in how I feel. I need to drink more alkaline water anyway.

    I haven't been walking like I wanted. I haven't had the energy. My body has been a nervous wreck, and sore.

    I had 7 days out of 7 last week in nutritional ketosis! I reached 1 of my goals!

    I made chicken tacos in the crockpot on Monday. They turned out good.

    I started getting tax documents in the mail. I'm not looking forward to doing that this year. It's a lot of information. I also have to submit an annual report for HealiNergy LLC. I have never done one before, so I have to find a template or a form to follow.

    I started taking the Autism Parenting class. I also started watching the Yoga Therapy videos.

    I've been penny pinching lately, so I haven't had the girls over to clean. I've run myself ragged trying to keep up with everything that is needed to be done. It's not a 1 person job. That's the problem.

    I'm going to listen to Jana Carrey's latest zoom call for the New Moon ceremony.

    My appointment for the contract signing is at 10:00 am. Other than that, I have no other appointments today. I will likely start washing laundry again and cleaning up the kitchen again if I am feeling energetic. Otherwise, I will be resting.

    I have been struggling with feeling guilty for needing rest, time, and space to myself. I have been avoiding taking rest. I have not wanted to fall into a deep depression and not be able to get out of it. I have so much work to do that I did not want to stop working. I work, and more work gets added to the list as I work. It never ends. I can't keep up with it all by myself. It's impossible. I finally reached the conclusion that 1) I am human and need rest, 2) the work never ends and can wait, 3) I don't have to feel guilty for having human needs, and 4) my health will suffer if I don't rest.

    I have not been giving Caleb's education the attention that I wanted. I have not had the energy to be in control of the refinance, the remodel, bill paying, grocery shopping, attempting to dog train, and take care of myself. I can't do everything all of the time. I, too, am grieving. I have been trying to lead Caleb to use IXL and Adventure Academy to get in some education lessons on his computer. He is resistant. I don't have the necessary energy to make him do his work right now. I have to focus on what is in front of me. That is, without the remodel, I can not refinance. Without the refinance, I can not afford to pay my credit card bills and loans. I have worked hard to have good credit, and I don't want to lose my hard work. I am struggling financially ever since paying for my dad's burial, and then paying for the 50% deposit for the remodel work. It has been on my mind for all this time. I can not escape it. I have no money right now. I have no credit right now either. I can't buy groceries. I'm broke until I get paid again, and even then, with the new bill amounts for all my accounts, there will be no money for groceries. I am completely dependent on signing this contract today for the refinance. I have been pushing hard to get to this point. It was hard work. I had to have a lot of house cleaning done prior to the VA appraisal. I had to prepare for the remodel estimate to be done. It was a lot of repeated stress. At the same time, I have been in the process of grieving. I have been tired. I have felt sore and exhausted. I have been pushing just to get the simple things done like grocery shopping, washing dishes, and cooking meals. It's a lot of work for me. It may not be for you, but I am very much disabled and neurodivergent. I am not neurotypical. I lost the biggest supporter I had when my dad died. I no longer have that kind of 24/7 support. I am without support that I can rely on regularly.

    I hope that signing this contract today relieves me of some financial worries. I know that I will have grocery money once the refinance is complete. I have to plan my classes that are coming up so I can manage them.

    It's 0451 and I am still listening to Jana Carrey. I'm kind of hungry. I might heat up some meatloaf.

    I have eaten and am feeling good. I'm going to pause the Jana Carrey video and listen to it later. I want to rest in my bed now.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

    

    

Grieving Hurts, Day 3

     It is now 12:20am. I can't fall asleep. I'm too warm. I had a pretty relaxing day today. I overworked yesterday, and couldn't work today. Saturday I washed, dried, and folded at least 5 loads of laundry. I hand-washed dishes, and pre-washed the dishes that go in the dishwasher. I fully loaded the dishwasher and ran it. I cleaned the kitchen a little bit in order to cook a giant meatloaf. I listened to the rest of the playlist I created titled, "Missing Dad." I listened to music the whole day long. I went back and forth between washing laundry, folding laundry, and washing dishes until I had to start cooking dinner. By the end of the day, I was exhausted. 

    Today was dark and rainy all day long. I only got one load of laundry dried and folded. I spent the afternoon in bed, resting, but not sleeping. I had leftovers for dinner. 

    While I was in bed after dinner, I began talking in my head to Yeshua, Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, and Sarah. I asked for forgiveness of my human sins. I told them that I love them. It was a long conversation, but that's the gist of it. 

    I tried to sleep but was having trouble breathing through my nose. 

    I think I'm going to go check on the dryer real quick. BRB. Yeah it needed a little more time in the dryer.

    While I was in the laundry room, I checked out the shelving unit back there. It is cluttered with cleaning products. I need those shelves to be able to put my towels and sheets away. It may be a better option to just order another shelving unit from amazon though. I have nowhere to put all the things currently on the shelves right now. Ugh. 

    Right now I am broke. I am still waiting to close on this mortgage refinance. I have been in a high state of anxiety knowing that I would run out of money soon, and not have any left.  We have food for the next few days. I hope we make it until payday. 

    I started my Yoga Therapy class on Thursday or Friday. I'm excited to learn everything. I also started the Autism Parenting class. 

    I saw that Rachel was online yesterday, and reached out to her to chat. I have been chatting with Nigel too. 

    We went the whole week without cleaning help because I knew I was running out of money. Looks like it's going to be another week of no help. 

    I never heard back from Mathew after leaving him a voicemail. 

    I was going to cook a turkey for Dona Sharon on Valentine's Day, but we can't afford to buy one. They are expensive.

    I wanted to have crab legs in a gumbo that I want to make until I found out how expensive that would be.

    I still have to plan to go back to Lumberton to pick up my dad's flag from the funeral home. I have to set up an estate to close his accounts too. 

    I have that Trauma Healing course and the Vocal Resonance Method course starting in February. I start another mentor program with Jana Carrey in February too. 

    I missed the zoom meeting on Saturday night with Jana Carrey. I was too tired by the time it started. 

    I haven't been practicing Reiki every day like I use to. I'm so tired at night that I just fall right asleep. 

    I bought a library cart for my binders that I use a lot. I'm waiting for Caleb to put it together for me. I bought him a desk and a chair too. I bought Dona Sharon a chair as well. It will make doing school work easier on Caleb to have his own desk to set up at. 

    I'm struggling with the VA to get my consult for Virta renewed. I don't know why everything has to be so complicated. Why can't my primary care provider submit the order and get it approved the first time? Why do I need to see an endocrinologist when my labs have already been done? It's frustrating the shit out of me!

    I have an appointment to create my estate with an attorney on Friday. I don't know if I will have to reschedule because I don't know if I will have money by then. 

    I printed out the workbook for my Mindfulness and Meditation class the other day. It's really long. 

    I'm getting tired. It's 0110. I'm going to get the clothes out of the dryer and fold them. I've got more clothes to wash and dry following that load.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

    

Grieving Hurts, Day 2

     It is now 0338, and I am listening to Elizabeth Peru's guided meditation for abundance. Yesterday was a busy day. I woke up at 0830 and began to work on my plans by creating mind maps of my goals. I walked on the incline trainer for the first time this week. I warmed up for 3 min, then walked 2 laps (0.5 mi.) at 2mph, 0 incline, then 3 minutes at 1mph 0 incline to cool down. I wanted to take a shower, but I couldn't get myself cooled down fast enough. Caleb had his psychiatrist and therapy appointments yesterday afternoon. They went well. Troy happened to be there. I told him we need to smoke some meat! The woman who was with him told me that she emailed me about my service. That was awesome! On our way home, there was a 3-vehicle accident on the highway that stopped traffic. We stopped at the UPS store on the way back to return the shoes I ordered to amazon. Then we came home, and I was ready to eat. I did not eat all day and was grateful to have leftovers. 

    I listened to my iTunes playlist before I walked on the incline trainer. I listened to the radio while I walked on the incline trainer. I listened to the radio while driving. I miss my dad every day. 

    While I was driving home, I noticed a blue orb in the car as I looked in the rearview mirror. It appeared to be close to Caleb's head. It appeared and disappeared several times over a few minutes. It was a beautiful blue light orb. It was the same blue I think of when I think or feel Mother Mary. 

    I don't know what today holds. I am still very tired. I canceled the level 1 Reiki class yesterday that was scheduled for today because I am exhausted. I know I want to walk on the incline trainer, and take a shower. I want to follow-up with John Ray about having the notary come over. I have chicken thighs that need to be cooked too. I need to wash dishes and wash laundry. Bella needs a bath, and so does Bubba. I need to find Bubba's meds. I need to schedule them both to have their nails trimmed. 

    Michal and Dawn emailed me about Module 8. I am not ready to go to Module 8 yet. I have not attuned 5 people in person yet. Michal put my fears to rest by saying I would have it when I was ready.

    I guess Mathew doesn't want to talk to me. He never returned my call. It hurts to be avoided by my own brother.

    The day before yesterday, Dona Sharon, Caleb, and I were talking. I told Caleb I want him to be thinking about what he wants to do with his future. I broke his heart when I ended up telling him that he does not qualify for military service because of his Autism diagnosis. 

    Army Life is hard enough without having ASD. I told him that he could still work for the government.  

    I just took all of my medications and supplements.

    I am listening to another Elizabeth Peru guided meditation for chakra cleansing and activation. 

    That was relaxing. I am ready to go to bed and rest.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

    

Grieving Hurts, Day 1

     It is now 0930. I just rolled out of bed and am still exhausted. I miss my dad so much. I created a playlist that lasts almost 12 hours to listen to yesterday. I listened to music for about 4 hours or so yesterday, and sang my heart out. I felt less lonely by doing that. I felt more in tune with my feelings through the music I listened to. I told Dona Sharon I am reprogramming myself with my music choices. I am allowing my feelings to be felt in a safe container, as I can manage them. I was hit by a lot of big emotions when my dad died. I have been carrying those feelings around ever since. I had to "suck it up" and get things done in order to have dad properly buried where he wanted to be and reduce cost as much as possible. I put my own feelings aside to care for Dona Sharon. I went to help her move away from the Motel 6 where they were living, and into my house. It was a big task because they accumulated a lot of stuff in that room. I had to get help to clean out my house before she came over in order to make sure the guest room was clean for her, and that the floors were clear to walk. I continued with the house cleaning by the girls after she came over. I'm trying to get things organized and de-cluttered. I was waiting for my dad's death certificates in order to make the next steps. I had to report to VA and Social Security that he died, and ask for help with burial costs. I did not qualify for help from Social Security, but I did get $600 from the VA, which helped. I have had to charge my credit cards to cover dad's final expenses. As if that wasn't enough, the toilets kept backing up and I had to pay someone to clear the sewage pipes. That was almost $500. Then on top of that, I had to put down a 50% deposit on the work that needs to be done on the house before VA with qualify the appraisal I had to pay for. The appraisal was $525. The home remodel work 50% was almost $5,000. Dad's final expenses up until this point was almost $5,000. Soo... yeah. I'm in a tight space because now my credit cards are maxed out. I can't afford anymore emergencies or unexpected costs. Please God. No more of those. 

    I called Mathew. and left a voicemail. I told him that I just wanted to hear his voice because I'm having a hard time. 

    I spoke with Brian while he was driving back to Georgia with his family. I asked him to talk to Sarah, his wife, about being one of Caleb's guardians if I should die before he is an adult. 

    I'm sore all over like I did too much work. I'm listening to the playlist I made from Erica Rock's Infinite Blessings tracks that I named, "Dad died." It's peaceful and calming.

    I had a good time when Brian and Amber came over. Brian and I talked about what's going on with him in the Army and his time in Korea. We talked the whole time he was here. I was trying not to talk over the conversations because I knew he wanted to see his mom. Brian just got promoted to Master Sergeant, and I just couldn't wait to talk about everything. 

    Brian, Amber, and Caleb tossed a football around. Caleb and Amber went to put Caleb's RC boat on the waterway at Veterans Park. Caleb and Amber played a video game for a little bit too. 

    Brian bought lunch for everybody from the Chinese restaurant. I just ate pepperoni instead of buying anything from there. They enjoyed their lunch. They stayed for dinner. I began cooking before they arrived. I made my crockpot stew.

2 lbs. Soprano Italian sausage from Lowe's foods

2 lbs. Godfather Italian sausage from Lowe's Foods

2 eggplants cut up

4 zucchini 

4 yellow squash

2 Vidalia onions

4 small cans of fire roasted diced tomatoes

2 packs of portabella mushrooms

2 large packs of baby bella mushrooms

onion powder

garlic powder

garlic salt

minced garlic

basil

oregano

    I cooked 2 boxes of pasta to make sure there would be enough to feed everybody. There was enough to send Brian and Amber home with leftovers. I was cooking that stew all day, so it smelled good in here.

    I was so glad to be able to hug Brian and Amber. I begged to talk to Sarah. I sent her a copy of each of the books I contributed to and signed them. 

    I did cry while they were here when I touched on my dad's death. 

    I went to Food Lion yesterday and bought 2 packs of chicken thighs at $0.99 per pound. I baked 1 pack with broccoli and cauliflower. I also made my 4 cabbage blend on the stovetop. It turned out good. I spent there's of the day singing until my voice began to give out. 

    Sheila referred a potential customer to me. I will be having a phone call with her this week. 

    Sheila also messaged me to check up on me. I love that woman. She is full of Christ Consciousness. 

    I was in nutritional ketosis 6 days out of 7 last week! I'm trying to get 7 days out of 7 this week. 

    I need to walk for a few minutes today. Nothing hard. Nothing fancy. Just movement on the incline trainer.

    Caleb is supposed to put together the library cart I bought for me. That will help me organize the binders and books I use almost everyday. 

    I haven't taken my medications and supplements yet, so I'm going got take a break and do that real quick. BRB.

    Got the meds and supplements down. Just need to take my Victoza shot. 

    Well today I have to work on the laundry and cleaning up the kitchen. I am waiting to make an appointment with the notary to sign my mortgage documents. I hope we can get it done this week. Caleb has an appointment tomorrow with his psychiatrist and therapist. I am giving a Reiki class to Ashley and Carly on Thursday. I need to schedule Caleb, Dona Sharon, and Jessica's class before Wednesday night. I start a lot of training beginning in February. I'm trying to catch up on the classes and seminars I have missed before then. I'm also trying to not overwhelm myself with everything that is going on. 

    I am almost done listening to my playlist. I miss talking to my dad every few hours throughout the day. It's hard living without him. He made me laugh. I made him laugh. We had good times together. We always had something to talk about. I could even call him when I woke up at midnight or 0200. He always had time for me. Every phone call he asked, "Does Caleb know I love him?" I should have had my dad for another 30 years, but his body was not healthy. He was miserable being blind, tired all the time, unable to drive, and completely dependent on others for just about everything. God bless his soul because he tried to stay around as long as possible. His body gave up.  His death certificate says he died of cardiac collapse. His heart literally killed him. I hope my dad's spirit stays with me forever. I miss him so much. 

    I have to complete my morning routine now. My hair feels like a bird's nest on my head. I always feel better after applying oils to my hair and combing it through. I brush it, put it in a low ponytail, then braid it to keep it from knotting. I need to walk this morning, even if it's just 1 lap. Anything is better than nothing. I'm very depressed today. I just feel slow and sore all over. 

    I was able to pull myself together for Brian and Amber's visit, but it made me realize that I'm masking my true emotions and feelings. I attempted to tune into them yesterday. Today I just need to relax and rest while I do chores around the house.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

A New Day. Day 6

     It is now 0550, and I have been awake for a few minutes. Yesterday Brian, my step-brother, and his daughter, Amber, came to visit. They arrived shortly after I added the Italian sausage to the crockpot. We spent all day chatting together. It was a good feeling to know they care. They ordered Chinese take out for lunch, and I shared my creation for dinner. They took leftovers home. I caught up with Brian who just got promoted the Master Sergeant. 

    I'm tired this morning. I'm having menstrual cramps. 

    I'm listening to Jana Carrey's "Journey to the Magdalene Rose Priestess Temple" meditation.

    I took my medications and supplements.

    I just bought Caleb a desk and a chair. I bought Dona Sharon a chair too. I had to figure out how to use the credit Amazon gave me for returning the Ring Security cameras. Now Caleb will have his own place to do his schoolwork.

    Man, now I know why I was cramping. It was intestinal cramps! I had to go! I'm feeling better already.

    Today is Sunday, and I am going to take things slowly. I need to get organized for the week. I would like to sit with my planners and create a good schedule to try to follow that allows me to stay on my diet and exercise regimen. 

    I got my lab results yesterday. I need to email them to my Virta team. 

    I got sidetracked. 

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

    

    

A New Day, Day 5

     It is now 0358. Yesterday was a busy day. I got paid early due to MLK Jr holiday on Monday, so I spent the morning paying bills.  I then took my medications and supplements, and gave Caleb his medication. I listened to my playlist that I created from Erica Rock's Infinite Blessings bundle. I then walked on the incline trainer and listened to the radio. I walked 0.5 miles at 2 mph after warming up for 3 minutes. After I walked, I checked my blood sugar, and ate some pepperoni. My mom called on her way home from work for lunch. She updated me on Pepere and Granny. Pepere is getting better. I took a hot shower and got dressed in some clean clothes. Despite doing all these things, it was actually a slow morning. I woke up late and just took things one step at a time. It was gray outside and dark during the morning. I could have slept all morning, or at least stayed in bed. 

    Caleb and I went out to run errands. I went to the Post Office to send some mail out, then we went to Walmart to pick up Dona Sharon's medications. While we were there, I bought some vegetables too. On the way home, we stopped at CVS to pick up Caleb's refill.  As we were on our way home, we passed a car on the side of the road that I recognized as Ashley's car. I called her right away to make sure she was ok. She wasn't. She was frantic, stressed, and crying. Her tire had blown out and she needed a tow truck. I told her I would be right there, and that I was turning around. I used my AAA membership to call a tow truck for her. She was there with Josh and JJ. Everything worked out, and Caleb and I went home. 

    I got a call from John Ray at American New Funding to ask about some paperwork. When I got home, I emailed it to him. He sent me the new disclosures to review. I was running out of time before my appointment with Jana Carrey at 1700. I had to try to get on Pride Restoration's schedule before the weekend, but the office was already closed. 

    My appointment with Jana Carrey went well. I was very peaceful by the end of the appointment. Dona Sharon listened to our conversation for the first half. I think she was calmed down too. 

    I ate leftover meatloaf before the appointment started, so when it was over, I was ready for bed. My glucose was good, and so were my ketones. I was in nutritional ketosis. 

    On Thursday, the story of my day was similar. I woke up late and took my medications and supplements. I walked on the incline trainer for 0.75 mi. I did a 3 minute warm up then walked 1 lap at 2mph, 0 incline. Then I had Caleb help me put on my 80lbs weighted vest. I walked 1 lap with it on at 2mph 0 incline. Then I took the weighted vest off and walked 1 more lap at 2mph 0 incline. 

    Carly and Ashley came over to help me clean. They worked on the laundry then cleaned out the Mazda for me.

    I made a meatloaf for dinner. It was delicious!

    I worked through a lot of the day, but I don't remember half of what I did. 

    Wednesday was the first day I began walking on the incline trainer. Tuesday Carly, Curtis, and Ashley came over and organized the shed. They moved the stuff from the living room to the shed, so the boxes were removed from the incline trainer. 

    I contacted Larissa, the Vocal Resonance Method teacher about my application. I was accepted! For some reason, I never received the email. I put down a deposit for the VIP program. I am so excited about this program!

    Today is Saturday and Brian and Amber are coming over. I hope things aren't weird or hateful.

    I've been listening to the radio to sit with my dad. When I hear songs from the 80's, I think of my early childhood. 

    I got a call from Dr.Fuchs at the VA Women's Clinic about my labs. My A1c is 8 point something. It went up due to not being on my diet. My testerone is high. My estrogen is low. My white blood cell count is elevated, but lower than the last time I had labs done. My thyroid function is normal. I show to be both in a post-menopausal state and in my cycle. I should be getting a call from endocrinology about my Virta consult renewal. 

     I'm just kind of waiting to be put on Pride Restoration's schedule for the work to be done. I am waiting for a call from John Ray that I can schedule the notary to come over to sign the papers for the mortgage refinance. 3 days after I sign the contract is when funds will be disbursed. I can't wait!

    I started looking over my Revelation Breathwork Facilitator training requirements. I printed the log worksheets out. I was able to schedule Carly and Ashley for level 1 Reiki training in person. So, I'm making progress there. 

    I've been consistent with my diet lately. I'm going to be consistent with my exercise too. 

    My appointment with Jana Carrey yesterday was the last appointment of that program. I am looking forward to doing her next program. 

    I meant to give Dona Sharon a reiki treatment session yesterday, but I got busy doing other things and I did not want her to wake up. 

    I just bought more Mandarin Rose Ormus from Kejiwa Alchemy. I bought some supplements to help me be calm from Swanson Vitamins too. I am all set for that kind of stuff now.

    I have really been stuck lately. I feel like I want to spend days in bed, but then I don't. I keep moving forward. I have so much work to do, but I am so tired. Everyday is a challenge. If I let my dad's death bring me down, I might not ever get back up. I can't afford to fall into a deep depression. I miss talking to my dad all the time. I have no one to talk to like I talked to my dad. It leaves me feeling empty and depressed. I turn the music on to lift my spirits. I get my body moving because that will help me. Even if it is only to wash the dishes, I am moving. 

    I have to schedule to go to Lumberton to pick up my dad's flag from the funeral home. I also have to go to Robeson County Courthouse to fill out some paperwork to establish dad's estate in order to handle his accounts and close them. I am not looking forward to that trip. 

    I have to schedule a time to take the Mazda to be inspected so I can pay my property taxes on it and renew my registration. 

    I am feeling ready to take my medications and supplements. I have to find my tea. 

    I text messaged Mathew a couple times, but he did not respond. 

    I've been communicating with Nigel, my ex-husband, lately. We had some good times and have agreed to grow old together. 

    I feel disconnected from the world due to my depression. Nigel makes me smile. 

    I am still waiting to hear about Jamie McCurry's paternity test. It could be months before I hear anything again. I could really use child support.

    The house looks a lot better these days. I can't wait to have the remodel done and over with. 

    Everything is so expensive these days. I really can't wait to get my business running. I need to put my education to use. 

    I am waiting for business listings to appear through Vistaprint services. 

    I am going to cook today. I haven't figured out what exactly I'm doing , but I know it involves Italian sausages and vegetables. 

    I can't stop picking the scabs on my face. At this rate, they will never heal. 

    It's now 0637. I spent some time talking with Dona Sharon earlier. 

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!  

A New Day, Day 4

     It is now 0143, and I have been awake for about 20 minutes. Yesterday was a busy day. When I woke up around 0830, I took my medications. I don't remember exactly what else I did. Eventually, I began listening to music and hand-washing the dishes in the sink. I began to pre-wash other dishes and load them into the dishwasher. I then made a pot of spaghetti noodles for Dona Sharon and Caleb to eat. I remember that I did not have breakfast or lunch. I was full from taking so many medications and supplements in the morning and was not hungry when lunchtime came around. At some point, I began looking through my "Upon My Death" binder to see if any updates needed to be made. I made quite a few updates throughout the afternoon. I need to sit with an attorney to write up my will documents. I also updated my biomarkers spreadsheet in preparation for my appointment with Dr. Kent, PharmD, this Thursday. I think I updated my credit card balances spreadsheet too. I was waiting to get the quote from Pride Restoration all day long. I was worried that I would not have enough money to pay the deposit.

    I finally got the quote at the very end of the day. The grand total for the home repairs is more than $9,000. I have to pay 50% of that before work starts. Right now there is a 2-3 week lead time for start dates. 

    I am sitting in my office chair in my "My Little Pony" sweatshirt from Torrid. My body has chills but feels like it's burning at the same time. I was sweating when I woke up.

    I began watching Jana Carrey's video on the Essence of Channeling yesterday. I did not complete the video. It was more than 2 hours long. 

    Today I think Carly and Ashley are coming to work on cleaning. Carly and Jessica organized the shed when they were here Sunday. We should be able to move things from the living room to the shed today so I can use my incline trainer. 

    I received my dad's death certificates yesterday. Now I can complete the rest of the paperwork I need to do. 

    I lowered the prices for my Reiki sessions yesterday and began a new first-timers discount.

    I don't really know what I have going on today. I need to pay the deposit for the work to be done, so I can get on the schedule. I am ready to be done with all this refinance prep work. I am ready to close. I need to sit with Caleb and create his account on his computer for the IXL curriculum. He has to be tested before they will place him. I need to do that today since I don't have anything getting in the way of doing that today. I am still working on laundry. I still have dishes to wash. I have laundry to put away. I will need to be able to go through the things I want moved to the shed while the girls are here. I know I have things that I don't want to save in those boxes. I would like to de-clutter before moving my things to the shed.  I need a shower too, but I don't know where all my far-infrared compression tank tops are anymore. 

    Caleb got his hair cut the other day. 

    Before and After pictures.

    I am tired. It is 0234 now. 

    I am watching the rest of Jana Carrey's video. I'm tired, so I'm going back to bed. It is now 0315.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

    

A New Day, Day 3

     It is now 0312 and I have only been awake for a few minutes. The past few days have been busy. Yesterday was Sunday. I thought I might be able to take a day to rest, but I didn't. I did stay in bed later than usual. Usually I get out of bed by 0730. Yesterday I got out of bed around 0845. I began my day by taking my medications and supplements. I gave Caleb his medications and some Lemon Balm calming supplements. I then began doing my credit card worksheet to gather data about my available credit. I needed to determine how much credit I have available to do the home repairs. I also went and applied for the VA new guaranteed acceptance life insurance. I went ahead and made sure I printed all the life insurance policies I have for my notebook.

    I am still waiting to hear from Pride Restoration about the quote. I never got it on Friday like I hoped I would. 

    I am still waiting to receive my dad's death certificates in the mail. I called about them on Thursday and they had not been mailed yet. 

    Jessica and Carly came over yesterday and cleaned for us. They cleaned the hallway carpet and the main bathroom, then organized the shed. I was able to trade a sliced ham chunk per each person for an hour's work. I bought too much ham for the collard greens I made and am all hmmed out. I did not want to have to throw away good food, so I negotiated a trade with them. They accepted. They also got the laundry going.

    I went out to return the Ring Security cameras I bought for the sides of the house and the charging stations for the batteries to UPS. I then went to AutoZone to pick up my rear windshield wiper and have it installed. After that, I went to Walmart and bought more carpet cleaning solution for pet areas, along with a few other things. On my way home, I stopped at Lowe's Foods to see the prices of eggs. I bought 2 18 packs for less than $6.00 each. Walmart was selling 2 18 packs of large white eggs for almost $16.00. I saw my friend, Lisa in the meat section. She gave me a hug. 

    I finally made it home just before the cleaning ladies had to leave. I was tired. I stayed until 2000 talking with Dona Sharon though. We can talk all day and all night and never get bored. I brought up the idea that we should get married because I want her to stay with me and grow old together. Nothing sexual in nature, just life partnership. 

    Saturday was busy too. Caleb and I had to go out to AutoZone to replace my windshield wipers. They had the front windshield wipers in stock, but not the rear windshield wipers. The rear windshield wipers had to be ordered from another store. We then went to Walmart to buy a few things. I ended up stocking up on summer sausage, pepperoni, and salami. 

    We then went to pick up Caleb's medication refill at CVS and then went home.

    I later realized I should return the ring security cameras because they have not been opened and I need the refunds. I got busy talking to Dona Sharon, and made it to the UPS store just 3 minutes too late, after closing.  When I got back home, I was too tired to do anything else. 

    A couple of days ago, I made a homemade sauce with 2lbs, of Soprano Italian sausage in one pot and 1lbs of Soprano sausage and 1lbs of Godfather sausage in another pot. I added 2 cans of fire roasted tomatoes to each pot, along with 1 zucchini, 1 yellow squash, 1 Vidalia onion, plenty of basil, oregano, garlic powder, onion powder, and some garlic salt to each pot. It was good.

    I had to throw away the eggs in the fridge because raw ground beef juice spilled onto one box. Really both boxes were too old to eat safely. 

    Caleb cleaned the freezer out of all the meats that were more than 6 months old for me. 

     I started cleaning the space around my chair at the table where I work. I made good progress. 

    I think it was Thursday when Carly and Teagan cleaned up the front porch for us. They got all the trash in bags for Jonathan to pick up on Friday. Jonathan took half of the bags to the dump for us. I just need to remind him of the rest that needs to be taken. 

    I think it was Wednesday when Jim Stroud from Pride Restoration came out to get photos of the work that needs to be done for the quote. I will be so happy when I have closed on my refinance. 

    I applied for a Vocal Resonance Training Program. 

    I returned the Defy Gravity shoes to amazon, and found my new diabetic shoes, custom insoles, and lift in my closet. I have been wearing them ever since I bought socks the other day. 

    I'm doing good and staying busy. 

    Today I don't have any appointments. The only appointments I have this week are with the VA pharmD on Thursday about my diabetic meds, and with Jana Carrey on Friday. I have already for gotten what I had planned for today. More laundry for sure. Washing dishes too. 

    I only have until Tuesday to buy a chuck roast on sale from Food Lion. 

    My Pepere has been moved to a long term nursing care facility, away from from the hospital. My mom drove to be with Granny during this transition for a few days. 

    My second cousin, Sandra, became a grandmother for the first time!

    I've got my 5 people to train to level 1 Reiki now! Jessica, Carly, Ashley, Dona Sharon, and Caleb. 

    I got my atomic gold ormus in the mail the other day. I bought a few collections. The first w=one I am trying is Frankincense, Myrrh, and Gold Ormus. It has a strange taste, but I like it. 

    So I bought these MyID tags that have a QR code on them that link to my personal profiles I create. I bought one for each of us. They are medical ID tags. I have already set up mine. I need to set up Caleb's and Dona Sharon's. 

    I start my Trauma Healing class in February. I complete my Reiki Next Steps class at the end of the month, I think. I still have to catch up in the Revelation Breathwork Facilitator class and requirements as well as the Prosperous Healer seminars. I have a lot of work to do to better prepare myself for my future. 

    I have been keeping on my diet. I need to update my biomarkers spreadsheet. I should do that now.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!