Proof of life. I got a hot shower today and feel much better. I’ve been on hyper-drive since before my dad died, and I jumped into action even more afterwards. I’m slowing down because my body and mind can’t take that anymore. I had to work through feeling guilty for slowing down and taking days off. I need self-love too. I need time and space to recover too. I was the hardest hit by my dad’s death because I spent hours and hours a day talking to him on the phone. I’m now without that kind of support and I don’t know what to do about it.
Facebook Post:
"My dad and I are both disabled veterans. We shared a long history together. A lot of ups and downs. I felt his death coming, but that doesn’t seem to make the absence of him from my life any easier to deal with.
He never really understood that I am neurodivergent (C-PTSD, depression, and Autism Spectrum Disorder).
I handle life a lot differently than someone who is neurotypical.
That’s what made our conversations more interesting. I miss my dad. I don’t think I will ever Not miss my dad.
Thank God for the tools I have at my disposal to regulate my body’s reactions to all the stresses. Even so, it’s amazing what one shower can do for me, followed by wearing pretty clothes that are soft and comfortable.
It’s hard to smile today. I’m exhausted and need rest. I need to find peace in all the things happening around me.
If you read this, let me know so I am not writing to myself. Thanks in advance."
It is now 0314 and I have been awake for only a few minutes. I got up to get something to snack on and drink. Yesterday was a peaceful day. I wrote the above post in Facebook. I spent most of the day resting. I found paid for an app that has a lot of meditation music on it. I used it to heal my root chakra, clear my chakras, and fall into delta wave rest. It was a nice change.
I did not cook. I did not clean. Well, I took a shower. I allowed myself to enjoy the effects the shower had on me. I was moved to slow down a couple of days ago. The transition from being manic/panic mode to rest was not an easy one. I have so many things I need to be doing right now. Taking a hot shower was restful and relaxing. I even puit on some new clothes that I wasn't sure would fit me right now, but they do. You see, I lost weight and bought clothes for my new size, but gained the weight back before being able to wear them. Now , some of them could be too small for me.
I found out that Dave Matthews Band is coming to Wilmington this summer. I really want to take Caleb to see them. I don't know if I can manage it. I can't drive at night anymore, and the concert starts at 7:30 pm. Besides, I am normally in bed by then. We will see. It gives me hope to think I might be able to go.
I finally made it to the closing of my refinance process. I am closing today with a notary coming over for me to sign the contract. It's such a relief. I was so stressed. Now all my credit cards will be paid off.
I changed my mind about doing the new program with Jana Carrey right away. I just don't have the energy to give it right now. I have the Trauma Healing Program starting in February. I also start Vocal Resonance Method training. I still have to finish the Next Steps class requirements and the Revelation Breathwork Facilitator requirements too.
I am going to have to hire someone to come over and put this library cart, 2 chairs, and a desk together. I think it's too much for Caleb to do by himself.
I'm almost out of 3mg/ml nicotine e-juice. I will switch to 0 mg/ml nicotine next until I either run out, or I complete the withdrawal process and finally quit.
I cut down on my Diet Mountain Dew intake yesterday by a lot. It makes a big difference in how I feel. I need to drink more alkaline water anyway.
I haven't been walking like I wanted. I haven't had the energy. My body has been a nervous wreck, and sore.
I had 7 days out of 7 last week in nutritional ketosis! I reached 1 of my goals!
I made chicken tacos in the crockpot on Monday. They turned out good.
I started getting tax documents in the mail. I'm not looking forward to doing that this year. It's a lot of information. I also have to submit an annual report for HealiNergy LLC. I have never done one before, so I have to find a template or a form to follow.
I started taking the Autism Parenting class. I also started watching the Yoga Therapy videos.
I've been penny pinching lately, so I haven't had the girls over to clean. I've run myself ragged trying to keep up with everything that is needed to be done. It's not a 1 person job. That's the problem.
I'm going to listen to Jana Carrey's latest zoom call for the New Moon ceremony.
My appointment for the contract signing is at 10:00 am. Other than that, I have no other appointments today. I will likely start washing laundry again and cleaning up the kitchen again if I am feeling energetic. Otherwise, I will be resting.
I have been struggling with feeling guilty for needing rest, time, and space to myself. I have been avoiding taking rest. I have not wanted to fall into a deep depression and not be able to get out of it. I have so much work to do that I did not want to stop working. I work, and more work gets added to the list as I work. It never ends. I can't keep up with it all by myself. It's impossible. I finally reached the conclusion that 1) I am human and need rest, 2) the work never ends and can wait, 3) I don't have to feel guilty for having human needs, and 4) my health will suffer if I don't rest.
I have not been giving Caleb's education the attention that I wanted. I have not had the energy to be in control of the refinance, the remodel, bill paying, grocery shopping, attempting to dog train, and take care of myself. I can't do everything all of the time. I, too, am grieving. I have been trying to lead Caleb to use IXL and Adventure Academy to get in some education lessons on his computer. He is resistant. I don't have the necessary energy to make him do his work right now. I have to focus on what is in front of me. That is, without the remodel, I can not refinance. Without the refinance, I can not afford to pay my credit card bills and loans. I have worked hard to have good credit, and I don't want to lose my hard work. I am struggling financially ever since paying for my dad's burial, and then paying for the 50% deposit for the remodel work. It has been on my mind for all this time. I can not escape it. I have no money right now. I have no credit right now either. I can't buy groceries. I'm broke until I get paid again, and even then, with the new bill amounts for all my accounts, there will be no money for groceries. I am completely dependent on signing this contract today for the refinance. I have been pushing hard to get to this point. It was hard work. I had to have a lot of house cleaning done prior to the VA appraisal. I had to prepare for the remodel estimate to be done. It was a lot of repeated stress. At the same time, I have been in the process of grieving. I have been tired. I have felt sore and exhausted. I have been pushing just to get the simple things done like grocery shopping, washing dishes, and cooking meals. It's a lot of work for me. It may not be for you, but I am very much disabled and neurodivergent. I am not neurotypical. I lost the biggest supporter I had when my dad died. I no longer have that kind of 24/7 support. I am without support that I can rely on regularly.
I hope that signing this contract today relieves me of some financial worries. I know that I will have grocery money once the refinance is complete. I have to plan my classes that are coming up so I can manage them.
It's 0451 and I am still listening to Jana Carrey. I'm kind of hungry. I might heat up some meatloaf.
I have eaten and am feeling good. I'm going to pause the Jana Carrey video and listen to it later. I want to rest in my bed now.
Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!
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