It is now 0930. I just rolled out of bed and am still exhausted. I miss my dad so much. I created a playlist that lasts almost 12 hours to listen to yesterday. I listened to music for about 4 hours or so yesterday, and sang my heart out. I felt less lonely by doing that. I felt more in tune with my feelings through the music I listened to. I told Dona Sharon I am reprogramming myself with my music choices. I am allowing my feelings to be felt in a safe container, as I can manage them. I was hit by a lot of big emotions when my dad died. I have been carrying those feelings around ever since. I had to "suck it up" and get things done in order to have dad properly buried where he wanted to be and reduce cost as much as possible. I put my own feelings aside to care for Dona Sharon. I went to help her move away from the Motel 6 where they were living, and into my house. It was a big task because they accumulated a lot of stuff in that room. I had to get help to clean out my house before she came over in order to make sure the guest room was clean for her, and that the floors were clear to walk. I continued with the house cleaning by the girls after she came over. I'm trying to get things organized and de-cluttered. I was waiting for my dad's death certificates in order to make the next steps. I had to report to VA and Social Security that he died, and ask for help with burial costs. I did not qualify for help from Social Security, but I did get $600 from the VA, which helped. I have had to charge my credit cards to cover dad's final expenses. As if that wasn't enough, the toilets kept backing up and I had to pay someone to clear the sewage pipes. That was almost $500. Then on top of that, I had to put down a 50% deposit on the work that needs to be done on the house before VA with qualify the appraisal I had to pay for. The appraisal was $525. The home remodel work 50% was almost $5,000. Dad's final expenses up until this point was almost $5,000. Soo... yeah. I'm in a tight space because now my credit cards are maxed out. I can't afford anymore emergencies or unexpected costs. Please God. No more of those.
I called Mathew. and left a voicemail. I told him that I just wanted to hear his voice because I'm having a hard time.
I spoke with Brian while he was driving back to Georgia with his family. I asked him to talk to Sarah, his wife, about being one of Caleb's guardians if I should die before he is an adult.
I'm sore all over like I did too much work. I'm listening to the playlist I made from Erica Rock's Infinite Blessings tracks that I named, "Dad died." It's peaceful and calming.
I had a good time when Brian and Amber came over. Brian and I talked about what's going on with him in the Army and his time in Korea. We talked the whole time he was here. I was trying not to talk over the conversations because I knew he wanted to see his mom. Brian just got promoted to Master Sergeant, and I just couldn't wait to talk about everything.
Brian, Amber, and Caleb tossed a football around. Caleb and Amber went to put Caleb's RC boat on the waterway at Veterans Park. Caleb and Amber played a video game for a little bit too.
Brian bought lunch for everybody from the Chinese restaurant. I just ate pepperoni instead of buying anything from there. They enjoyed their lunch. They stayed for dinner. I began cooking before they arrived. I made my crockpot stew.
2 lbs. Soprano Italian sausage from Lowe's foods
2 lbs. Godfather Italian sausage from Lowe's Foods
2 eggplants cut up
4 zucchini
4 yellow squash
2 Vidalia onions
4 small cans of fire roasted diced tomatoes
2 packs of portabella mushrooms
2 large packs of baby bella mushrooms
onion powder
garlic powder
garlic salt
minced garlic
basil
oregano
I cooked 2 boxes of pasta to make sure there would be enough to feed everybody. There was enough to send Brian and Amber home with leftovers. I was cooking that stew all day, so it smelled good in here.
I was so glad to be able to hug Brian and Amber. I begged to talk to Sarah. I sent her a copy of each of the books I contributed to and signed them.
I did cry while they were here when I touched on my dad's death.
I went to Food Lion yesterday and bought 2 packs of chicken thighs at $0.99 per pound. I baked 1 pack with broccoli and cauliflower. I also made my 4 cabbage blend on the stovetop. It turned out good. I spent there's of the day singing until my voice began to give out.
Sheila referred a potential customer to me. I will be having a phone call with her this week.
Sheila also messaged me to check up on me. I love that woman. She is full of Christ Consciousness.
I was in nutritional ketosis 6 days out of 7 last week! I'm trying to get 7 days out of 7 this week.
I need to walk for a few minutes today. Nothing hard. Nothing fancy. Just movement on the incline trainer.
Caleb is supposed to put together the library cart I bought for me. That will help me organize the binders and books I use almost everyday.
I haven't taken my medications and supplements yet, so I'm going got take a break and do that real quick. BRB.
Got the meds and supplements down. Just need to take my Victoza shot.
Well today I have to work on the laundry and cleaning up the kitchen. I am waiting to make an appointment with the notary to sign my mortgage documents. I hope we can get it done this week. Caleb has an appointment tomorrow with his psychiatrist and therapist. I am giving a Reiki class to Ashley and Carly on Thursday. I need to schedule Caleb, Dona Sharon, and Jessica's class before Wednesday night. I start a lot of training beginning in February. I'm trying to catch up on the classes and seminars I have missed before then. I'm also trying to not overwhelm myself with everything that is going on.
I am almost done listening to my playlist. I miss talking to my dad every few hours throughout the day. It's hard living without him. He made me laugh. I made him laugh. We had good times together. We always had something to talk about. I could even call him when I woke up at midnight or 0200. He always had time for me. Every phone call he asked, "Does Caleb know I love him?" I should have had my dad for another 30 years, but his body was not healthy. He was miserable being blind, tired all the time, unable to drive, and completely dependent on others for just about everything. God bless his soul because he tried to stay around as long as possible. His body gave up. His death certificate says he died of cardiac collapse. His heart literally killed him. I hope my dad's spirit stays with me forever. I miss him so much.
I have to complete my morning routine now. My hair feels like a bird's nest on my head. I always feel better after applying oils to my hair and combing it through. I brush it, put it in a low ponytail, then braid it to keep it from knotting. I need to walk this morning, even if it's just 1 lap. Anything is better than nothing. I'm very depressed today. I just feel slow and sore all over.
I was able to pull myself together for Brian and Amber's visit, but it made me realize that I'm masking my true emotions and feelings. I attempted to tune into them yesterday. Today I just need to relax and rest while I do chores around the house.
Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!
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