New Start Day 9

     It is now 0327, and I have been awake for about an hour or so. I have my photo shoot today, and I need to take a shower. I did not take one yesterday like I thought I would. I did not have the energy to take a shower and to do the things on my to-do list. I got some dishes washed, but not all of them yesterday. I cleaned the stovetop and countertop. I made room for the air fryer to be used safely on the counter. I did make dinner! I made skewers of zucchini and squash, and tri-color bell peppers and vidalia onions. I ate a steak and Caleb ate his garlic hot pocket. He doesn't like steak texture.

    I plan on making the pork butt in the crockpot today. It will slow cook for 8 hours. It feels better to have things starting to clear up. I can't stand it being so cluttered everywhere I go in my own house. Caleb is like a hurricane with his bad habit of leaving trash and his belongings wherever he wants.

    I am in the editing phase of my chapter for "#BeastMode". I've got most of the material written, but it is kind of short. I ran out of words. I am waiting for guidance from Sheila. It might be ok.

    I woke up and my back was hurting. I went to use the bathroom and that did not change the pain. I wanted to sleep in until 0500 today, but I guess that is not going to happen now. At least I got some rest. It was not the best sleep. I have to stop drinking so much Diet Mountain Dew during the day. Or at least give myself a few hours before bedtime where I only drink water. 

    I wonder if I am still losing weight. I do not know. Last week was my "period week." I don't menstruate, and that's why it's in quotation marks.  Anyhow, I gained about 5 pounds of what I am assuming was water weight during the week. It dropped off as soon as I started the new month of birth control pills. I take birth control pills because the pain associated with my normally late periods was too much for me to live with. Having a regular cycle prevents me from having as much pain. Now, though, I don't menstruate, and I don't know why. I still get cramps and fatigue. 

    I don't know what I will choose to wear for my photo shoot yet. I went looking through what I have, and think I will wear a dress. I bought some cute ones. I was trying to figure out if I should dress up, or look mostly like myself. I still don't know. I want to wear my mala beads, bracelets, rings, and earrings. I can go without the Apollo neuro for the photo shoot. It looks dirty. I don't think I want to wear alot of makeup. I am not good at applying makeup, and I have a tendency to touch my face after it is applied. I mess it up! I smear my eyeliner on accident all of the time! Maybe I will just add a little color to my cheeks, and gloss to my lips. I don't want to look like somebody I am not either. These photos will be used in the upcoming books I write in for my bio page.

    I really don't feel like doing anything but sitting in my new office chair and vaping. I know I need to allow myself time to dry my hair though. I want big curly hair! This chair is so much better than the gaming chair I was sitting in. I am so glad this chair worked out for me. I broke the gaming chair almost as soon as I sat on it. It was bent all this time, and I was trying to figure out why sitting in it for hours a day was causing me back pain! Well duh! I was all out of alignment with no back support. That chair sucked. I might have to get Caleb one like I have now. I can sit in it for hours without hurting my back. He needs the same support to get through homeschooling. 

    I just had to block someone on Facebook for messaging me and trying to call me at this hour. I know someone must have hacked that account. They were trying to "give" me "benefits" that I "won." Yeah sure dude. 

    I already took my medications. I need to get doing the rest of my morning routines. Be blessed my readers!

New Start Day 8

        I read a few pages from "My Pocket Meditations For Self-Compassion", by Courtney E. Ackerman. It is now 0628. I have been awake since about 0200. I took my medications right away for some reason. I was feeling like I would be awake for a long time, and I was right. I then checked my emails and facebook notifications. I got an email for a discounted course with Natura Institute, and I wanted to take advantage of the huge savings. I enrolled in the course, but I had already enrolled in another course a few years ago. I was awarded a full scholarship for the Holistic Health and Wellness and Holistic Weight Loss Coach Dual Certification. I decided to start the program again. I started at that time, and then got sidetracked with other things happening in my life. I have lifetime access to the courses, so today was a good day to restart! There are 83 lessons within this dual certification course and I completed more than 20 just this morning.

    I had to buy a new printer because there is something wrong with the one I have. I'm not too happy about that, but at least it will be here before I start my classes at Capella University. 

    I am sitting in my new office chair that supports up to 400lbs. I love it already! I hated that gaming chair. It apparently did not support my weight and I was sitting in it while it was broken. It was causing me all kinds of back pains. 

    Yesterday I woke up around 0430. I did my morning routines. I wrote a different draft of the chapter for "#BeastMode." I paid the bills. I called my dad to see what he planned to do for the day. I prewashed dishes and loaded the dishwasher , and handwashed as many dishes as I could fit in the dish strainer. I got the laundry started. I directed Caleb on what to focus his energy on. He is trying to get his chores done so he can go to a friend's house. He has to clean his room, and instead of cleaning his room, he has been on his phone with his friend and playing video games with him at the same time. 

    I put away the new bath towels that have been sitting in an open box for weeks now. I had Caleb tidy up the countertops and island for me, so I would not have to work so hard. Caleb also began breaking down boxes that we collected over the last few days. I took Caleb to get his hair cut, and we also went to Lowe's Foods so I could make myself a salad for lunch. Caleb got a really short buzz-cut. You should have seen the clumps of hair falling away from his head!

    I did not feel like doing much once we returned home. I went to take a nap. When I got up, I could not make myself do anymore work. I had Caleb move the laundry from the washer to the dryer for me, and then watch it throughout the afternoon to make sure it was getting dry. I was just worn out, and my nap was too short considering what time I woke up and began working.

    I found a photographer to do my headshots and branding photos nearby. We are scheduled to do a photo shoot this Sunday morning. I can't wait to see the photos! I need them for my bio in the books I am writing in.

    I spoke with Coach Brandi over the phone for a few minutes. Just asking that she give me notice for journal prompts and questions before class so I can think about it in peace. Otherwise I am getting anxiety and not able to think on the spot.

    I have been writing posts on the group page for "Unleash Your Life" about my Autistic traits in order to be better understood. I do not know if I helped myself by advocating for myself, but I feel like it was something I needed to do. 

    I was so tired that I did not even grill a steak. I had sliced turkey breast lunchmeat and guacamole for dinner. It was so hot outside, and the house begins to get warmer throughout the day. I hate it. I can't wait for the cooler temperatures.

    Yesterday was Friday, so on Thursday I finally decided to put away my new clothes. Before I did that, I wanted to clear my room of all the clothes that are now too big for me. I had about 7 full garbage bags of clothes, with alot of them having never been worn and stay having tags on them. I hung up all my new smaller sized clothes that were sitting in boxes, bags, and laundry baskets. My room is clearer than it was prior to doing that, which makes it so worth it to have spent the time to do it.

    Yesterday Caleb went into the room Christinia was staying in because he noticed that the window was open from outside. He went into the room to close the window. He found the leftover Bojangles box that Christinia left behind. I have only been in that room once since she left. I don't know if she will ever be able to retrieve the rest of her stuff, and am wondering what to do with it because I need the room to set up my work/study space.   

    Thursday I had a talk to Caleb. I say to Caleb, because it was not a conversation between us. It was me only talking. I let him know that he stresses me out. I am more likely to have a heart attack when he is constantly arguing with me over simple stuff. I can't sleep because I can't relax. I can't relax because I am stressed out. I am stressed out because I have tons of work to do with deadlines to do them and Caleb should help me, but is causing problems instead. If I ask him to do something, the automatic answer is "No." It's driving me crazy! I told him that I need his help to manage the household. He is responsible for cleaning his room by himself. He lives here, and should care about the upkeep of our house. I said plenty more, and I remained calm the entire time. He sat in a chair at the dining table with me, and appeared to be listening. 

    Today is Saturday. i need to take a shower and prepare my hair for tomorrow's photo shoot. Having thick, curly hair means I need more time to let it dry properly. I also have to use products to keep it from frizzing. It's a process that I am learning to do with the new curly hair products I bought. I also need to figure out the way I want to wear my makeup for tomorrow. I want to go ahead and try on a few outfits to see what looks best. I want to look and feel my best for this photo shoot! 

    I still have laundry in the dryer. I know Caleb is hiding dirty laundry in his room. He needs to clean out his room today. I have more work to do in the kitchen. I have to clean the rest of the pots and pans, countertops, stovetop, and island. If I have energy I will even sweep and mop the floor. Caleb will have to unload the dishwasher, and take out the kitchen trash. I want to be able to go through the storage boxes of stuff I pulled out of the china cabinet some weeks ago and get rid of whatever I am not going to use. I need to organize my living room so there is enough space for Caleb and I do to our Yoga in the morning together.  

    Tomorrow I will likely focus on clearing spaces in my room. Caleb dumped out two containers of my stuff while he was looking for something he dropped, and he never picked my stuff up and put it back where it belonged. So frustrating, this kid. 

    On Monday I have a therapy session online. I have to take Bubba to the vet to get weighed and get refills of his heart worm and flea and tick medications. I also have a call with Disability Services from Capella University on Monday regarding my need for printed materials for all my courses there, instead of e-books. My disability is with my memory retention. I am getting a formal letter from Ms. Wells, my speech therapist at the VA. Then Monday night I have the standing appointment with Coach Brandi, Coach Nick, and the class for "Unleash Your Life." 

    Tuesday I don't have appointments, but Wednesday I have to go to the Wilmington VA clinic to see the GI doctor for my problems with my digestive system and bowel movements.That's all I have for this coming up week as far as appointments until Sunday when I have a whole day of Reiki Master Class.

    I posted that I was donating all my size 5X and 4X clothing on facebook, and Erica messaged me that she knew someone in need that could use the clothes. She came over yesterday and I saw her for the first time since we graduated from Peer Helper training some years ago. It was good to see her, and I got 2 big hugs while she was here!  I also sent her with all the canned foods that I intended to hand out to the random homeless people standing on street corners in Wilmington. That was a good feeling!

    Last Wednesday I had my last appointment with Ms. Wells, speech therapist at the Wilmington VA clinic. I had the appointment on my phone by secure video call in the parking lot of the appointment I scheduled immediately after that one. The next appointment was with the psychologist that Caleb saw for his psychological evaluation. I felt comfortable with him with Caleb, and again when I was in his office. We went over a whole bunch of questions to prepare for the second appointment I have with him which includes the formal psychological testing. I have the testing appointment on Thursday, August 11th. I have not heard anything from Ms. Conchar at the Wilmington VA about my psychological testing and diagnoses results yet. I don't know why, but she has not been in the office for a week now. Maybe she caught Covid-19? I don't know, but I was told that I would have results in 2 weeks, and I still don't have them and we are going on week 4. Frustrating!

    Bubba is growing. He is going to be a big boy. I had to buy him different sizes of collars and harnesses for the future because he is growing so fast! I bought a second crate for Bella or Bubba, whoever is bigger at the time of need. 

    Jonathan came over and mowed the lawn for us and removed our boxes we had collecting on the front porch as well as the broken vacuum cleaner. Thank God for him and his truck! I am hoping we will catch Chris, our new neighbor, sometime soon to be able to put together the lawn mower, weed-eater, and chainsaw. 

    I have to put together a game plan for the upcoming month. August is going to be trying. Both Caleb and I will have school. I am teaching Caleb during the day and taking classes during the end of the day. I will still have all these appointments, chores, and projects. I don't know how I am going to manage this all, but I have to make it happen. I am determined to get it right. 

    I am trying to find ways to reduce my student loan needs, but I haven't been awarded any scholarships yet. I have only 2 paperback copies of "Let Go or Be Dragged". I sold one to my Aunt Lisa, and one to my Granny. I have completed the editing of my chapters in "Clinging to the Vine", and "Return to Me" anthologies. I just wrote my chapter for "#BeastMode" yesterday, so I am waiting for suggestions and editing. I haven't decided if I should keep doing anthologies. I think I have done enough of them and need to write my own book. 

    I bought some new books from Amazon about the 12 chakra system. I bought myself red roses from Harris Teeter the other day because they were on sale and pretty. 

    I need to stop vaping. I am going to try to refuse to use it when I want it. I started using the Alpha-Stim the other day and it really helped me with my stress levels, anxiety, and pain. It helped me fall asleep and sleep like I haven't been in years. I am going to use it everyday for one hour and monitor the changes to my symptoms in the app they created. I know I will be able to stop vaping once I get control of my anxiety and stress levels. 

    I have been summoned on facebook messenger. Be blessed my readers!

New Start Day 7

     I slept well and thank God for that! It is now 0818. I woke up to my 0700 alarm. I have been talking to my dad and taking my medications. Yesterday was a long day. It was a Monday of Mondays, let me tell you. I was supposed to have an appointment at 0900 on a video call with my therapist, but I got a call that the appointment was cancelled. I was relieved because I really needed to take a shower, and was trying to fit it in my schedule. I had a second appointment which I believed was at 1130, but it wasn't. It was at 1100, so I missed the video call with VocRehab. My third appointment was with Dr. McGarrity, the endocrinologist, in Wilmington. I was not looking forward to that appointment because he fat shamed me at the last appointment I had. At least I was able to take a long hot shower before 1130, and was ready to drive to Wilmington. I took the drive time to infuse my spirit with Imagine Dragons music. I listened to their new album the entire way to Wilmington. We got there a little early, and Caleb came inside with me because it was too hot to wait in the Mazda. The doctor was running late, and we did not leave the office until after 1530, when the appointment was scheduled for 1430, and just to review my medications and recent labs. I did not enjoy my time with the doctor. He is just an asshole. I can't wait to never see him again. As a matter of fact I am making it my goal to not be diabetic anymore by the next time I have labs due, in 4 months. My last appointment was at 1900 and was a class called "Unleash Your Life" with Coach Brandi and Coach Nick. I was tired, did not have dinner before class, and had a killer headache during class. When we got back home from Wilmington it was already 1700. That's normally when I make dinner. I was too tired, and having body pains. I went to lay down until class started. I just wanted to rest.

    I enjoyed the 2 hour long class, but I was ready for bed when we ended. Today I have to drive to Wilmington again, this time to go to the neurologist at the VA clinic. I don't have other appointments today, thank God! I have so much on my list of things to do, it's not even funny. My time is running out to get things done before my class starts on August 8th. I am starting to doubt whether or not this is a good idea, for me to go back to school when I already have so much on my plate. If I don't do it now, it will never get done. I was led to this mission by a higher source. I should continue the mission. 

    I have been doing "meaningful" Reiki self-sessions every morning now. It really does help me set the stage for the day. I meditate and it helps to focus my thoughts on what's important to me. I have not done all my morning routines this morning yet. I am still working on them. 

    Sunday we went and ran errands. I was exhausted after that, and could not do anything more after that. I had a text messaged conversation with my mom about my health. So I got some needed information about what my future might look like based on her experience, and genetics.

    I haven't figured out how to fill the "holes" in my schedule today. I am feeling better today. I have to look at my list. Tomorrow I am scheduled for the non-VA psych evaluation. I am going to go through with it because I never got the report from VA. I also have more questions that I need answered. So there is more testing that needs to be done than what was done at the VA. For example, do I have OCD? Do I have ADD? What other diagnoses am I missing because I have never been tested?

    I am learning to run ads on Facebook and instagram. I am getting better at it. I have 40-something page followers on facebook already! Most are people I don't know, which says alot about the people I do know.

    I just have my doubts about the Master's degree program because I have really bad days where I feel unfit to do much of anything but stay in bed. Everything hurts! I just wonder if I am going to be able to do this. I have to meet deadlines and write papers. I have to homeschool Caleb, pay the bills, and get chores done too. I just... I don't know. I have my doubts. I know it's worth trying. I know the benefits outweigh the risks. It's so expensive to go to school. I want to earn my phD too. I'm just trying to figure it all out. How do I manage this? I am constantly "running behind" in my life. With all these appointments, I can be out of the house all week! Ugh. I can't wait until I am healthy enough to not need so many doctor appointments. 

    I completed the editing phase of "Clinging to the Vine" and "Return to Me". Next on the list is to write "#BeastMode". I may not do the other 2 projects because there is a cost associated with participating in them, and I am not making money yet. Also, I have been feeling like the right thing for me to do is to write my own book. I am going to enlist Sheila Farr's help in the process once I choose to settle into the project. 

    I have to write up Caleb's lesson plan for the upcoming season. I want to have enough planned out that we mostly stay on track and are able to make progress where we need to. He is behind by alot. His test scores show a comprehension at a third grade level. He needs alot of help, and I hope to be able to help him. I want the best for him. He can be so stubborn and argumentative. I want him to know that I come from a place of love as his mother. I am not here to make his life hard. I am here to show him how to make his life easier, more relaxing, more enjoyable, and more peaceful.

    I graduate from the Reiki Master class soon too. Caleb will be my first student once I am certified to teach. I graduate from the "Ignite Your Light" program soon too. 

    I have not started my physical therapy exercises at home yet, but I need to. I also bought the Yoga-go app on my phone to be able to follow a professional in different routines. I thought I could a routine for people who need restorative Yoga, but I have not come across one yet. I would like to begin walking on the incline trainer again too. I just need to walk a little bit every day so I don't get so stiff from sitting in this gaming chair all day. I really just don't move alot without a routine to make me move. I need to develop my own routine that helps me move without pain that I enjoy doing on a daily basis. 

    I am going to shift gears and finish my morning routines. Be blessed my readers!

    

New Start Day 6

     It is now 0819 on Saturday morning. I have been up since around 0530. 

    

    Yesterday was a hard day for me. I edited my 2nd draft to "Return to Me", and hopefully made it better than the first version. I don't remember doing much more than that though. I remember lighting candles for my intentions, lighting Palo Santo to transmute the negative into positive energy, and lighting Blue Sage to smudge the house with. While smudging the house, I opened Caleb's bedroom door to find a colossal mess. I was not surprised, but I was disappointed. I continued to smudge the rest of the house as Caleb had gone to visit Jerry. When he returned, his bedroom door was open and the light was on, so naturally he questioned it. We had a long talk about his responsibility. Not only had he let Bubba stay in a messy room, but he did not fix the problem. His answer was something like "I need time to figure this out myself" in response to me telling him to clean his room. I responded "You never have to figure things out by yourself Caleb. That's what the internet is for. That's why I put numbers of family and friends in your phone. If you need to talk to someone to figure something out, ask for help." I continued on with a long-winded speech about him growing up, and what it means to be a man and having responsibilities. There were alot of life lesson gems hidden in my speeches yesterday. I am quite proud of myself for being so vocal and verbal. It makes such a difference when I speak my mind! It has taken me years to become comfortable speaking out loud and to other people. 

    I supervised alot of Caleb's chores yesterday. I guess that was draining. I think I woke up at 0430 yesterday though. It was super duper hot outside yesterday as I found out when we went to Food Lion. I was happy to be back home in my air-conditioned house. My whole body ached, probably due to the on-coming thunderstorm at the time. I was exhausted and could not even make a dinner. I ate a few slices of turkey breast deli meat with some cucumbers I dipped into jalapeno artichoke dip.

    Oh I had an appointment with Lisa Marie's marketing person, named Samantha Taylor, yesterday morning. She lives in Colombia but is from England. Her accent is thick! We decided that while I could use her help, I could not currently afford it, and I would reach out to her when I had the money.

     I needed a nap after that, so I took one. I felt like I could have stayed in bed the rest of the day but then I got a call from Dawn from Beacons of Change for my Reiki session. I got up but had no energy to work or even think straight so I drank some Gatorade I had left over. Usually not getting enough salt in my diet is the problem with this heat going on. 

    My ketones were lower than I wanted yesterday, and I think that is because I was using Diet Mountain Dew to force myself to stay awake when I was clearly in need of rest. I drank way too much Dew for one day. I read the ingredients again and saw that there is orange juice in Diet Mountain Dew! I can't have orange juice on keto! Ugh!

    Caleb was on poop duty all day. He had puppy poop to clean from the floors.

    I got my new business cards that I created in the mail yesterday along with the QR code stickers and the advertising car magnets for the Mazda. I am super excited to begin handing those out!

    I got 2 different Torrid orders in the mail yesterday too. One had a Care Bears shirt in it that I can't wait to wear. The other package had stuff in Torrid size 3 in it for my wardrobe update to a smaller size. 

    

    Thursday Caleb and I went to a Chess class at the Harper Library in Southport. Caleb did so well! I learned a little bit, and watched Caleb win a game! We had fun together out of the house and with the community.

    I wanted to take Caleb to Karate in Shallotte, but I did not have the energy at that point in the day. Class starts at 1915 and ends at 2030 or so. It would have been his first class, and I wanted to try it for myself too. We are considering joining the classes they have there because Caleb's friend, Sam, has been going for years now and is now competing and winning medals. My dad wants Caleb to learn a martial art for its discipline and for self-protection. I think that's a good idea. 

    

    Today we are doing house chores and cleaning up. I am preparing the house for maintenance only care routines in the future. I don't want to be overwhelmed with housework while I am taking graduate level classes and teaching Caleb remedial classes. 

    I am thinking about cooking boneless pork ribs in the crockpot for dinner so I won't have to worry about cooking later.

    I have to supervise Caleb's chores and get my own chores done. It looks like more rain today, so hopefully it will be cooler outside and in the house.

    I've been doing more meaningful Reiki sessions in the morning. I take the 15 minutes I allot for the self-Reiki session and meditate. I bought new "Ascension" Tarot cards that I am reading about and using to focus my energy on. I am still reading the book about changing habits. I am getting closer to being done with that book. I haven't picked up the "Smart Couples Finish Rich" book in awhile. I have alot of books I want to read. I have to schedule reading time for myself to get the read. There is so much knowledge that I want contained in each book.

    Meanwhile, I am learning to how to advertise to get people to like my Facebook page for my bookstore and buy books. I want people to get interested in my writing, so I have to enlighten them to what my chapters are about. I have several "boosts" going on now, and one continuous ad going on. I am writing for both Facebook posts and Instagram posts. I am new to the way things are done now, so it will take some time to learn the best practices. 

    Right now I am pre-selling the paperback version of "Let Go or Be Dragged", "Clinging to the Vine", and "Return to Me". I have one chapter in each of these anthologies. I need to become my own champion and salesperson.

    It will be a couple of weeks before I get the paperback versions of "Let Go or Be Dragged" in my hands. I can't wait to hold it in my hands for the first time. My first published writing work!

    I finally got the hallway carpet deep cleaned the other day. I am super proud for getting it completed. It was so bad from all the dog hair and sand that gets brought in from outside to accidents that weren't fully cleaned up. Now the carpet looks its original color, as it should. The next step in to clear the clutter from the living room floor and deep clean the carpet there too. 

    First I have to get some laundry and dishes washed, and then I can move on to projects. Bella and Bubba need baths too. That might happen today as well. Eventually I will need a shower. Starting to kill flies with essence. LOL

    I got my dental appointment processed through the Fayetteville VA Community Care finally. I should be getting a call about an upcoming appointment soon. 

    I start my coaching session with Brandi Miles and Nick Devlin on Monday night, and for 11 more Monday nights after that. I am super excited to have been awarded a scholarship for this program.

    I was awarded a scholarship to be a writer in "Clinging to the Vine" too. Normally I would have to pay for editing and other processes needed to get my chapter included in a published work, amounting to $250 per project. The "Return to Me" project was free to write in too because Cindi is a first time publisher and wanted to make it easier for her authors to be included in her first project. The next two projects will cost me something to participate in, and I don't know if I want to do that right now. I am considering trying to get Sheila to mentor me so I can publish my own book by myself.  

    School for both myself and Caleb starts soon. I am trying to get together the resources I need to make this a good year for us both. I have not submitted any new scholarship applications recently, but I need to. I have not won any yet. I hope that my efforts do not continue to go unawarded.

    I am still waiting on the psych eval report from Ms. Conchar at the VA. I do not know if she will take into account the testing I did to prove that I have Autism, and diagnose me. It would save me about 5 hours and $500 if she did. I pray she does the right thing.

    I still have the private psych evaluation scheduled just in case I have to go through that. 

    I called TEACCH and found out that Caleb has been placed on the intake waiting list for Autism-related therapies. 

    I have been talking to my dad every day, just like before. I don't have another adult to talk to on a daily basis. Christinia sleeps through most of the day, and so I am left with... very few other options. Most people I know work during the day and are busy with their lives, not having any time for me. It's important for me to have someone to talk to everyday for my mental health if for no other reason.

    I got most of my morning routines done pretty quickly this morning. I decided to wear a hair wrap today. 

    I have not found the journal which has the prompts for this new section of my blog yet. I have to look for it in my library of books I have over here. 

    Christinia still has to come pick up her bed, I need to make that room into my office space with a desk and everything I need to get my homework done. I want to be able to write my phD paper in there one day. I am already shopping for the perfect desk.

    On Monday I have an online therapy appointment, then a VocRehab online appointment, and then an endocrinology appointment in Wilmington. I have the appointment with Brandi and Nick at 1930. It will be a busy and long day.

    Tuesday I have neurology appointment at the Wilmington VA.

    Wednesday I have an online speech therapy session and immediately after that I have my first psych eval session from a private provider, I will likely have to do my speech therapy session in the parking lot at the psychologist's office.

    Thursday I have a Reiki session with Dawn again.

    Friday I have no appointments yet, and hopefully it will stay that way.

    I got the tax and registration renewal for the Volvo, so I need to get it inspected before I can pay the bill.

    The Mazda needs an oil change.

    My dad wants to see Bubba in person. I am thinking about going over there on a Friday and staying overnight and coming back on the Saturday. I hate that Motel 6 they stay in. It's roach infested. Anyway, I would like to see my dad again. It might be awhile before I see him in person again.

    That means Caleb needs to clear out the clutter of the Mazda before then so we can pack everything we need to go on the trip.

    So that's alot going on for next week. And to think I still have a long list of chores and house cleaning that needs to get done in between, and making dinners etc. 

    But for today, I will try to get as much done as I can so I don't have to worry about it later this week. 

Be blessed my readers!

New Start Day 5

      It is now 0435. This is the second time I have woken up. I woke up 2 hours ago too. I feel better now though. It has been busy around here. Monday I had 3 appointments. I had a 0900 online appointment with my therapist. 15 minutes after that was over we had to leave for Wilmington for my physical therapy appointment. I had my last physical therapy appointment with Jesus Ortega. He is such a hoot! He has a great sense of humor.

     My last appointment was in Leland for labs for my endocrinologist. There was time between my physical therapy appointment and my labs appointment, and nothing to be done, so I took Caleb to a Greek restaurant called The Greeks (on Oleander Drive). I had a keto lamb gyro salad plate, specially made for me! Caleb had a grilled cheese pita plate. It was delicious!

     I got to my labs appointment early, and they got me in early, so I could go home. I was exhausted. I needed a nap badly. When I got home , I took a nap. Later in the day we found our neighbor, Chris, cleaning out the trash bins, including ours! He didn't have to do that! I went outside to thank him. It was on our schedule to be done Tuesday morning, but he got to it first. 

     I went to bed early, like usual, but then I woke up on Tuesday at 0330. I had a long day too. The training schedule I made had for Caleb to shop vac the hallway, so I could pet vac it and clean the carpet with the carpet cleaner. Then I was supposed to spray with the essential oil insecticide. Caleb was supposed to clean the trash bins and shop vac the Mazda. Well, Caleb picked up the hallway so I could pet vac. I pet vacuumed until the vacuum broke and wouldn't work anymore. Then I decided it was time to take a break. I made a call to one of my credit cards to cancel the card. We went out to pay the water bill and register Bubba with the town now that he has had his Rabies shot. Then we drove to Lowes to buy a new pet vacuum. I bought some cleaning supplies while we were there. Caleb got a cactus, and I got a new houseplant. Then we drove to Lowe's Foods so I could make a salad from the salad bar. Caleb got a hot dog from the hot bar for lunch. 

     We drove home after that. I was tired and hungry. Before I started on the hallway in the morning, I paid the bills I could online. I also pre-washed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher and ran it. Even earlier in the morning, I downloaded alot of music from iTunes to my library. 

     I needed a rest after being awake for so long, so I went to bed. I did not do much else during the day. I did not even cook dinner. I did have my Ignite Your Light class at 1930. I also called Books-A-Million to correct a problem. I let Michal know my card had changed, so she could update her system. The Ignite Your Light class was not done until 2100, and man was I tired. 

     I do not remember what happened Sunday. I think I tried to work with Caleb on making progress with the house, but he was hard to work with. I made the training schedule for the week.

     Today I am going to clean the carpet in the hallway. Today's training schedule had to be pushed back by one day because of how yesterday went. It will be physically demanding, but worth it. 

     I am supposed to add a 10 minute Reiki meditation to my schedule, and also my physical therapy exercises. I have to edit the chapter I wrote for the "Return to me" book. I have some computer work to do regarding the mail I received yesterday. I have an appointment with the pharmD , Dr. Kent this afternoon too.

     The month is moving faster and faster as we approach the beginning of my first term in the Masters Degree program in August.

     I have to sign Caleb's tax form and send it out. I have to make sure my mortgage company received the home owners' insurance bill. I have to call and update all my insurances on the house. 

     Caleb is going to be cleaning out his room while I use the carpet cleaner on the hallway. I'm getting myself ready to work. I have to complete my morning routines. I did not complete them all yesterday. i missed the Reiki session I do for myself and my prayers that I read out loud. 

     I did not wear most of my jewelry yesterday, and i was ok going out into the world. It has been a long time since I have out without my mala beads, rings, and Apollo neuro band on. I had my earrings on, but I did not wear a hair wrap. Instead, I wore my hair up in a high pony tail with the pony tail braided. I was ok with the changes. I did not feel the anxiety I thought I would. I could not wear all that stuff in the rain and while working on the floor anyway. It would have gotten in the way.

     I am so glad to be done with my physical therapy appointments. The driving is too much to be doing multiple times a week like I was. 

     I received an unexpected check in the mail yesterday, and I was able to pay down some of my credit card debts that I created recently! It was a refund for my mortgage application fees from Veterans United Home Loans. 

     I only have one more Ignite Your Light meeting and it's in August. I think I only have 2 more Reiki Master meetings and 1 of them is graduation! 

     I start my coaching with Brandi Miles of Veterans Unleashed, and Nick Devlin this coming up Monday!

     Capella class starts August 8th. I have completed the orientation class. I am waiting for financial aid to see if I receive any scholarships. 

     I will be making a plan for Caleb's school similar to the training schedule I created to get our house deep cleaning done. 

     I reached out to the dojo where Caleb's friend, Sam Weatherford, goes to train in Karate to find out information. I think Caleb will like it. My dad wants him in martial arts too.

     I have been calling my dad everyday. It gives me someone to talk to, and gives him someone to talk to. 

     I have reached out to Samantha, from Lisa Marie's workforce to find out if she can help me create sales of my books. She will likely help me with my marketing online. 

     Granny and Pepere got snooty with me the other day about the portable air conditioner, and I have not called them back since. I need to call them and get the air conditioner returned to Amazon somehow.

     Granny sent me a check for a paperback version of the book "Let Go or Be Dragged." I wonder when I will receive my order from Sheila. I need to ask. 

     I am waiting for the report of my psychological evaluation this week. Today is Wednesday. I would expect it by Friday, but it might take longer. I am not sure.

     There is alot going on while we are trying to prepare for the new school year. I want to deep clean the house before school starts so all that has to be done is maintenance.

     I took a hot shower Monday and was feeling pretty good. Caleb helped me put on a smaller size far infrared compression tank top. Size Medium/Large. I have recently bought new smaller sized clothes, and am wearing them already. I have lost more than 40lbs. already! I can't wait to hit the 50 lbs. mark. 

     Oh. Caleb and I went to Walmart on Sunday to buy drinks. We bought a whole cart full of stuff, like school supplies, and cleaning supplies too. Caleb wanted to buy the Lord of the Rings books, so I let him get them. I hope he reads them. 

     I have to get started on my morning routines now. It is getting late. It is now 0532. Be blessed my readers! 

New Start Day 4

      It is now 0136. I cannot sleep due to Bella taking up the space that I need to sleep comfortably. Caleb has been sleeping in my bed with us, so she sleeps even closer to me than usual. She has a tendency to push me off the bed. In any case, I was beginning to hurt from the position I found myself in and could not continue to sleep. 

     Yesterday was a good day. Caleb and I woke up relatively early, around 0430. We had an appointment for both Bella and Bubba at the vet to have their nails cut. Bubba got his Rabies shot too. Bella was having a hard time with lunging and barking while at the vet. 

     It was thunderstorming most of the morning yesterday. The rain was coming down so hard the island roads were beginning to flood. I was happy to get home. On the way home, though, I had to stop at Lowe's Foods to buy some Liquid Smoke for the boneless pork ribs I wanted to make. It's a good rainy day crockpot meal.

     I spent some time typing my chapter for Clinging to the Vine. I like this 4th attempt alot better than the first three. I was able to write it in one sitting, without stopping. It flows nicely, and came naturally. My writer's block was gone! 

     The next project on the schedule is the book with Cindy. I might be able to write for it later today. 

     I called and made an appointment with Caleb's therapist for him yesterday. We were able to see her by video call.

     I needed to rest after being up for so long, and so after all that, I went to nap. I did not sleep well, but my body got to rest. It's hard to sit in this chair for as long as I do.

     The dishwasher repairman came and fixed the dishwasher with the new part for us. When he was done, so was I. I mean, I was tired and ready to lay down. 

     Today is Saturday. There is nothing on today's schedule yet. I need to wash a load of laundry though, and get this dishwasher cleaned out. Caleb needs to pick up the papers that Bubba has torn up and left on the floor. I would like to figure out what to do with the stuff from the china cabinet. I have not been in the mood to deal with it lately. I need my workout space cleared though.

     I tried to remove "friends" from my facebook who are not friends. I want to do the same for my instagram account. 

     I was paid back for the fraudulent activity that occurred last week. Now I have to pay back the credit card that I used in the absence of my debit card. 

     I'm tired. Very tired. It is only 0158 now. I should be sleeping. There is no room for me on the bed. I need to get Bella up and get her to move over. I got up because I was hungry too. Caleb just got up. He's thirsty. 

     Sunday I have a number of things going on. I have a Women Veterans zoom meeting, and I have a scheduled facebook live. I also have an interview to do in the afternoon. 

     I don't remember what is happening next week. I don't really want to think about it just yet. 

     I need to go back to bed. Be blessed my readers! 

      

New Start Day 3

      I had a rough day yesterday. It started at 0430. I did my normal routines, and everything was good. Caleb woke up a few minutes after I did. He fell asleep in my bed with me and Bella. He has been sleeping on the unused half of the bed lately, cuddling with Bella and falling asleep listening to his music on his laptop. I call us the "3 amigos" when we sleep on the same bed. Now I need a new name because we have Bubba in the mix, and eventually he will be sleeping with us too. 

     In any case, I had my therapy appointment yesterday morning online. It went well. Then Caleb and I went to Wilmington for my physical therapy appointment with Jesus Ortega, physical therapy assistant. Jesus is so cool. He is a an Army Airborne veteran with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I really enjoy my time with him because he gets me. It's so easy to be around him. I don't have to try to fit in. I don't have to be someone I am not. I don't have to put on a show.

     I called my dad before I left for my physical therapy appointment. I don't remember what we talked about. Probably just about what I had planned for the day. I called my mom back once we arrived at the Wilmington VA clinic. We got there 30 minutes early. Mom and Kenneth are doing ok considering they both have Covid-19. 

     I learned some new exercises from Jesus. When I walked into the clinic, I was in pain from my pelvis. It was hard to walk. When I walked out of the clinic, it was easier to walk, and without as much pain. There was almost no pain! The exercises Jesus taught me really helped. I am supposed to continue to do them at home and strengthen my core muscles. One exercise is a pelvic tilt. It is the easier of the 3 that I learned. The first one I learned, I do not know what the name of it is. It hurt because my muscles that were contracting are not strong. The last exercise was pretty simple, but effective too.

     I asked Jesus how I could keep in touch with him after our appointments, and asked him for his email. He refused. He was trying to be funny, but I did not understand. It's so rare for me to find an Army veteran with Autism who is not that much older than I am. I was really disappointed with his answer. I guess maybe he thought I was hitting on him, but I wasn't. I'm not interested in a sexual relationship at this point in my life. I consider myself to be asexual, not interested in sex at all. Besides, he is married, and I wouldn't be going after him while he is married. Anyway, i was just trying to be friends.

     After my appointment, Caleb and I drove home. I called my dad while driving to talk to him for the hour that I would have to drive home. He was tired, and so the conversation did not last long. 

     We stopped at Lowe's Foods on the way home for lunch. I wanted to make myself a salad from the salad bar. Caleb wanted something from the hot bar. We picked out our lunches and went home to eat it. 

     I called my dad after I finished my lunch. I don't remember what we talked about. 

     We both then went to rest for awhile, and take naps. Caleb kept waking me up to ask me to go to places while I was napping. The answer is absolutely not. I told him not to wake me up to ask to go places while I am sleeping. 

     When I woke up, I was trying to figure out how to stay awake for the Reiki Master class I had at 1930. I waws trying to figure out dinner too. I was still tired, as I had not slept well.

     Then everything can crumbling down. First Colleen text messaged me with some questionable remarks and questions. After increasing my stress, and pushing me into anger, I had to block her from my facebook and my phone. I let Michal know right away. She was accusing me of posting on facebook to get attention. I understood her remarks (text messages) as saying that I was liar, and made up the story about Caleb that I posted the other day with the trauma. It was crazy the things she was texting me, and I really did not want to give her any of my energy or attention. Let her be crazy by herself. I could not believe the things she was suggesting. I do not know where these ideas came from. I have been her Reiki partner for weeks now. I never lied to her. I never... Anyway. If you think that about me, that's your problem. I don't have to prove myself to anyone at this stage in my life. I called my dad, and of course he gets angry that I am dealing with a cray person. I asked him, "Dad it hurt me. She was a classmate in my Reiki MAster training, and my partner. Please have some compassion in the way you talk to me. You are being harsh. " Because,  you know, he gets loud when he gets angry. He believes I should be able to see these types of situations in advance, and avoid them. Believing that is part of the problem. I am not psychic to my knowledge. I find out when I find out.  Anyway, I just needed to tlak to someone right away, and my dad happened to be available. 

     If a Reiki Master trainee does something like what Colleen was suggesting I did, they should be barred from the organization. A Reiki MAster should have some identifiers of conscience, and at least be honest.

     I text messaged Michal and she asked me to meet her on zoom so we could talk before class started. She helped me by removing me from the situation. She said I needed an energetic boundary to Colleen. She asked if I would prefer to rest and watch the replay. I agreed to that. She asked if I wanted to work with other students who were looking for more practice. I refused that offer. She said I could graduate with 6 sessions, which is what I currently have with Colleen. So, here we are. The next morning. 

     I am not as upset as I was, but I can not seem to get over it. It was so disturbing to be accused of such craziness from a person I thought I could trust. 

     Then I called Granny and Pepere. They could not put together the portable air conditioner, and they want to return it. That's the short story, They are suffering in heat, and sweating all day. They are elderly and can't even cook in the kitchen during the day because of the heat it creates, and they can't figure out how to make the portable air conditioner work. I was so disappointed. Not only was it expensive to purchase, but they desperately need to be cooler. I was frustrated beyond my limits with their attitude. It was like I wasn't trying to help them! It was more than I could take.

     Of course I called my dad to let him know what craziness I was suffering.

     Well, anyway, yesterday I tried on my Kermit the frog tank top from Torrid in size 3. I have lost weight, and it fits perfectly! It's so cute, and I wanted to wear it to the VA to see if anyone would say anything. No one said anything.

     I did not wear a hair wrap yesterday. I wondered at the end of the night, if that attracted the crazies. 

     I forgot my formal prayers yesterday morning too. Crazies everywhere.

     Jesus recommended that I search for people in the demographics I am looking for online. So I did. I went and searched for "Veterans with Autism" in facebook groups. There was one group with 4 people in it. I joined and introduced myself. There was no activity since 2020 though, so I just went through my newsfeed reading what I missed throughout the day. It was crazy busy and so I did not spend time online like I normally do. Anyway, one of my groups is Women ServiceMembers... something. I asked something like " Are there any Veterans with Autism Spectrum Disorder in here with me? I am on the Spectrum and looking for compassionate and understanding friends." I posted something like that in the group I belong to. ANyway, 2 women responded pretty quickly ! It was awesome. That group has more than 10k people in it. I knew I would find at least one female veteran with Autism there. Or at least I hoped I would. 

     I scheduled for Bella and Bubba to get their nails cut at the vet since Sand2Suds was overbooked until August 25th! Thank God because I do not want to cut their nails. I accidentally cut too short once and hurt Bella, and I just can not do that again. I wnt someone with experience to do it for me. I can't take the pressure, and Bella doesn't like her nails cut. She makes it harder to do for me. I am so glad to have a professional do them. It is long overdue. Bubba has his vet appointment today for a Rabies shot, I think. Bella's birthday is this month! She turns 7! 

     The dishwasher repairman is scheduled to come later in the afternoon to replace the broken part on it. That will help me keep the kitchen alot cleaner if I don't have to hand wash so many dishes all the time! Seems like forever since I have been able to use the damned thing.

     Other than that we do not have alot going on today. I want Caleb to clean up the floor for me. Bubba gets into anything on the floor and tears it to shreds. There is paper everywhere! I want to try to clear the clutter in the living room today since we will be staying home for most of the day. I want to move all these containers somewhere else. I was considering Christinia's old room. It has space and it is not being used right now. I just need to move stuff until I can make space in the shed. With all these thunderstorms here lately, I have not been wanting to do much. I am trying to get things done and not put so much pressure on myself at the same time. I want to create a place for me to do my stretches in the morning, and I will to try to start walking on the incline trainer everyday again.  

     I bought a new office chair that supports up to 400lbs. That way I won't break it like I did this gaming chair I am sitting on. It should help me with my posture while I am using the computer. It should arrive on Saturday.

     I got the Sim card for Caleb's phone. I applied for the government paid phone service and was accepted. I am letting him use my old iphone since it is paid off. Now he can call for help if he oever needs to. I feel better about the situation already.

     I have not heard anything about the investigation yet. I do not know what is taking so long. I guess there are alot of security videos to watch, maybe? I don't know. Maybe they did not find and just have not called to tell me. 

     I was scared they would hunt Caleb to our house. I asked him not to leave his bike where it is visible. Thank god we have new locks on the doors! I don't keep weapons in the house. If it comes down to it, all I will have are doors to block them. I am actually thinking these things right away , right? I have PTSD and Autism among other things. I was thinking that when Caleb told me someone had a gun at the park. Like how do I protect my family and home without a weapon? I pray? I mean that won't stop a bullet. I haven't figured out how to manage this situation yet. My dad wants me to put Caleb in martial arts. I do not think that is a bad idea. We could take the classes together maybe. I need to learn self-defense too. I believe I saw an ad about a new class opening up locally. I will have to look into it. 

     I began writing my chapter for Clinging to the Vine anthology yesterday, again. This is my 3rd draft I have written. I keep changing the topic I am writing about. I am having writer's block. It's weird because when I write my blog it happens so naturally. I can not seem to fit into this Christian mold, even though I consider myself a Christ-loving, Reiki Practicing, Witch. I just, I do not go to church anymore because I don't fit in there. I am made to feel badly by the members, and it is not worth the trouble. 

     I have spent alot of time writing this blog this morning. I need to do the rest of my morning routines. I feel better now. That is the beauty of writing a journal. I don't trap all this stuff inside me. I can Let Go, and Let God! Be blessed my readers! 

New Start Day 2

      I haven't looked for the new journal yet. In other news, yesterday Caleb had a gun pulled on him while he was at the Veterans' Park down the street, while I was napping. He is not supposed to leave the house while I am sleeping, at all. He came home moaning and crying. Apparently, he was talking to a kid his age, and out of nowhere the kid tells him to give him his bike. The kid was hanging out with vaping teenagers who were older. When Caleb doesn't give him his bike, the kid pulls a gun on him! Caleb runs away with his bike to the nearest neighbor's house that he knows, Jerry. Thank God Jerry was home. Caleb, after telling Jerry what happened, then came home and woke me up to tell me. I waited for him to calm down, but I should have called the police. Instead, I waited for Caleb to calm down, and then took him to the Police Department to file a report. 

     Caleb could have been shot because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I would not have known where to find him. He took off while I was napping and I had no idea he was gone from the house.

    Anyway, Caleb had his first therapy appointment with his new therapist yesterday. It went well. We like her alot. He will be seeing her once a month, unless otherwise needed.

     I wrote up the beginning to my chapter for "Clinging to the Vine" this morning. I hope to be able to expand it some to meet the word count requirements. 

     Bella and Bubba are laying side by side by my feet. 

     I spoke to Montanna yesterday. She is hanging in there. I hope I influenced her to go back to school. 

     I spoke to my mom yesterday. I called her before we left for Caleb's appointment. I was just calling to check up on her and Kenneth. They both tested positive for Covid-19. I wanted to make sure they both got treatment. 

     I never got around to calling Granny and Pepere yesterday. I wanted to find out if I had ever sent them a portable air conditioner in the past. I just don't remember, and it feels like I have. 

     I only spoke to my dad once yesterday. He slept all day because of the medications he is on. I told him about what happened to Caleb. He did not yell at me that I am a terrible mother. He was concerned for Caleb's safety. He mentioned, as he has many times before, that Caleb take martial arts training. I am not against Caleb in martial arts, I am against the driving back and forth to so far away to do it. 

     Today is going to be a busy day full of appointments. First I have my therapy appointment online. Second I have physical therapy at the Wilmington VA clinic. Then tonight I have my Reiki Master class. I have to figure out something for dinner. I want to grill, but not in the rain. 

     I woke up at 0430 again, so it's going to be a long day. I will need a nap eventually. 

     Tomorrow Bubba goes to the vet to get a shot. Then I guess I wait all day for the dishwasher repairman. I can't wait to have that fixed! 

     Caleb woke up a few minutes after I did, and is his normal self. This weekend we are going to have a GI party. House clean up is the name of the game. I began picking up things here and there yesterday before we had to leave for Caleb's appointment. I need to figure out where I can put the stuff that was previously stored in the china cabinet. There was alot more in there than I expected. I have my EMT-Basic books I used to study at Ft. Sam Houston in there. I also have my crystal grid tumbled crystals in plastic jars that I have to find a place for. I have not figured it all out yet. I want to be able to see the descriptive cards in them, but I only have so much space left after putting away most of the books. I might need a separate bookcase just for the crystals! OMG! I drove Christinia crazy with my crystal shopping. My room looks and feels good though. I mean, I can't complain about how much I like my room now, compared to without the crystals on the walls. 

     I am still waiting for my refunds from the bank for that fraud case. They are still investigating I guess.

     I have not felt like cooking lately, and have been eating swiss cheese and guacamole. I need to cook or the meats I bought will go bad, and I will have spent the money for no good.

     I am running a low energy already. I have to give Caleb his meds! I almost forgot. I got sidetracked. Time to feed Bubba too! Be blessed in your day! 

New start Day 1

      Today marks a new beginning. I have completed one year of the 5 Year Journal. I will not continue the next 4 years because I did not enjoy most of the prompts. I have other journals with prompts that I will use coming up. 

     Yesterday I had a physical therapy appointment at the Wilmington VA. My physical therapist was different from the first 2 times. I worked Jesus Ortega. I found out that he is on Autism Spectrum too. We had a good time, and I learned the importance of my posture habits too. I will go back on Thursday. Today is Wednesday, and Caleb has a therapy appointment with a new therapist. I hope it goes well. 

     I have been slowly but surely catching up on chores. I was not home for half of the day yesterday because of the long drive to Wilmington. I made chicken breasts in the air fryer for the first time. I liked it enough to try it again soon. I put alot of seasoning on it and sprayed them with olive oil spray before cooking them. I was unsure if the breasts would be fully cooked within the time of the chicken function button, but they were! It was awesome.

     Monday I began hand washing dishes. I washed a whole dish strainer full. I was listening to Staind and singing my heart out while I was washing dishes. I had a good time, but I felt emotions I was not feeling before I put the music on. I have memories attached to my music. Some pains are so deep, they are only associated with certain songs. I sing them as a way to release the pressure from things built up within me. 

     Tomorrow I have psycho-therapy online in the morning. Then I have to leave right away to get to my physical therapy appointment in Wilmington. Later at night, I have a zoom Master Reiki class. It will be a full day for sure. I will be so tired when I am done. 

     Friday Bubba has a short vet visit for a shot, and then we come home and wait for the dishwasher repairman to show up. 

     I have been talking to my dad lately. He likes to bring up my past as if I was not there, and I do not have my own observations. "I have a brain of my own!" is what I told him when he questioned why I do not follow his orders all the time. Like look, I'm 39 now, but when I was 17, I wasn't thinking like my dad. He believed the way to success was through the Army. At the time the Afghanistan and Iraq war were in the news everyday. I did not want to die in a war zone at an early age. That's all there is to it. It's not rocket science. For some reason he is not able to see the risks involved in joining the military during times of war. 

     Look, when my school had a bomb threat, I freaked the fuck out. How was I going to handle that at the age of 17 in a hot foreign country? 

     When Columbine happened, I freaked the fuck out. I was in middle school. 

     I'm hyper-sensitive. I'm a highly sensitive person. Some people may refer to me as an empath. I do not belong in the fighting forces of wars. I just don't. I did , however, eventually enlist in the Army. I had no choices left available to me. I was poor and in my early 20's. I could not hold a job long-term. I could not afford to go to college. My parents did not save money for my education. Scholarships were much harder to find in 2003 than they are now , in 2022. I just wasn't loving my life like I should have been. I was depressed. I got into drugs. I got out of drugs, and changed my life around. Getting ready for the Army gave me hope of a better future. I would not likely get fired, and not be able to quit for simple things. I would earn my college education money, I would be trained for my job in advance of being placed at the job. I mean, how could I say no at That point? But at 17? I had hopes to go to college and graduate with a bachelors degree, start my career, and never need to enlist. It did not work out that way. Better for me, better for the Army. Thank God I did not get deployed! Jesus Christ! I went to Korea, and that was bad enough. When I arrived, home-grown terrorists were burning down buildings. I saw it in the news. It was madness!

     My dad hates my ex-husband, Nigel. He hates him because my dad thinks he was a stupid-ass African man. What my dad doesn't understand, is alot. We supported eachother when we were down. I could have been with him long-term if he had not thought I was cheating and began accusing me of cheating on him while in basic training. I mean, who does  that? in Basic Training?! Like what time do I have to myself? Really? It was frustrating at the time because he would have known better if he had enlisted in the Army like I did, and he said he was, but he never did. 

     The point is that my dad does not know everything. He is not God. His opinion is still an opinion based on the little bit about me that he knows. He does not ask about my thought processes while things are happening, mostly because he was the cause for bad things happening to me! And I stopped talking to him! So, yeah, there's that! 

     Anyway, last night I was awarded a coaching scholarship. A scholarship to be coached by Brandi Miles and her partner Nick. It was so exciting! I was so happy! Ignite Your Light ends in August, and my coaching begins with them before that! It lasts 12 weeks, and appointments every week. It will really set me up for my future. I love their energy! It's contagious happiness and coolness. I need more of that in my life. 

     I called Granny and Pepere yesterday to see if they got the portable air conditioner in the house. Pepere managed to get it in the house by using a rug. That was smart of him! I'm proud that he figured out a solution. Now they need to unbox it and set it up to get it running. They are happy to hear from me. I am happy to hear their voices.

     I called my mom yesterday, after realizing I missed her call. She is not terrible with Covid-19, but Kenneth caught it now too. 

     I need to read this "I Think I Might Be Autistic" guide to be able to put into words what makes me Autistic. I don't know why people can't just read about Autism. I swear getting people to read is hard! I don't get it because I love to read. I just find it hard to find the time sometimes. I have to schedule time if I want to read because I have so many responsibilities. I mean from the time I get up to the time I lay down, I am busy with something that needs to get done. It's exhausting. Parenting is a 2-person job at minimum, but they even say "It takes a village to raise a child." I do not have a village. It's just me trying to take on the world, and I have a shitload of disabilities to boot! Dude. If anybody needs help to keep going and rising up, it's me. 

     After talking to Jesus from physical therapy, I felt better about myself. He has a Puerto-Rican background, but is from New Jersey. He was very friendly and understanding of me. I did not have to put on "Jennifer Show", I was able to be myself. I was relieved to know that I was not the only one with Autism who served in the Army (recently). He is on the Spectrum and was Airborne! I was so happy to be in the office with another veteran, a person with Autism, and an Airborne soldier, all at the same time! I felt at ease to tell him things maybe I would not have told Scott, the prior physical therapist. He helped me get my thoughts straight about what I need to focus on to keep the pain from occurring as much or as painful. 

     I am still waiting to get my money back from the USAA investigation. I still can't believe the theft happened. 

     I had to buy Caleb new shoes in men's size 14!

     So one thing to reduce back pain is having a proper chair to work in. I bought a cheap orthopedic office chair that holds up to 400 lbs on amazon.com. It should be here on Saturday. I will use my seat cushion, and I might get something for lumbar support. I hope it helps because I spend alot of time at my computer. I will spend even more time on my computer when I start classes at Capella University. 

     I still keep in touch with Christinia. My dad loves to talk about her. It's frustrating. Like he repeats himself so much. It can be exhausting. It's draining my brain. So much negativity. Jesus! Help him overcome his own problems and leave other people alone!

     I gotta give Caleb his medications and prepare for the day. Be blessed!

      

     

5 Year Journal Day 369

      Today's prompt is " What is your most cherished memory of the year?" Going to my friend, Montanna's , farm and picking up Bubba, our pitbull puppy. 

     It is now 0835 on Sunday. Yesterday I spent about 7-8 hours on the phone with my dad. There was no arguing. There was no name-calling or yelling, just calm conversation. It was nice to catch up with him. I have missed him. 

     Yesterday I also spoke with my mom, and my Granny and Pepere. I went ahead and bought Granny and Pepere a portable air conditioner with heater for them to have as a back up to their central air conditioner, which is not keeping up with the heat. I spoke to my dad and he prompted me to call them and find out how they are doing. I have not heard from them since day 2 of my Covid-19. I remembered mom telling me that they had a problem with their air conditioner but could not replace it. I called them and found out that it still had not been fixed. They are sweating in their house every day. They are elderly and should not be in heat. We have had a week of heat indices over 100 degrees. I know it gets hot in Florida. I know they are suffering. I do not want them to suffer. My dad does not want them to suffer. My dad offered to pay for the portable air conditioner that I purchased and am having shipped from Amazon. 

     Mom is down with Covid-19 right now. I told her to seek treatment right away. She did! I am glad for that because it makes a difference in a person's Covid-19 experience, as I found out. 

     Mom took some really sweet photos with Sherri and her family. Turned out really good. I wish I knew Sherri better. I wish we could talk. She blocked me a long time ago. I am blocked from all my siblings right now. It hurts. I want to know all my nieces and nephews. I want to be that Auntie. 

     Today I am planning to take a shower, once my laundry is dry. I also plan on learning how to air fry fish fillets, so I can make dinner. I need to wash Bella. I need Caleb to empty out the trash from the Mazda. It's Sunday, so we take the trash and recycling out today for tomorrow's pick up. I feel like I have some clothes that are now too big for me, to give away. I will donate like I always do. I bought Caleb size 14 men's shoes yesterday. He has outgrown his size 13's. 

     Yesterday we went to Walmart for a few groceries. We also went to the post office to forward Christinia's mail, and to Food Lion. I have fresh veggies now! I had to throw away a whole head of red leaf lettuce because it went bad in the fridge. I learned how to change the air filter on the fridge. I learned how to change the water filter on the fridge too. 

     The dogs are happy and safe inside, where they belong, away from this heat. I don't understand people who leave their pets outside when it is dangerous for humans to be outside. 

     I just figured out how to use this seat cushion I bought a long time ago. I had it faced the wrong way for the longest time, and could not figure out why my tail bone hurt so bad. It feels good now. I know I am doing it right , finally. 

     I will be writing my chapter for "Clinging to the Vine" soon. It is the next book I will be featured in. It releases on amazon.com on August 18th. 

     I also have another book I will be featured in coming up after that. It is called "#BeastMode."

     I am making my dreams of being a publisher writer come true! I could not have done it without the help of Brandi Miles, from VeteransUnleashed, and Sheila Farr. 

     I am preparing to go to school on August 8th. I have my Reiki Master graduation ceremony in August too. I think I finalize the Ignite Your Program in August. Alot of things are happening in August! And it's just right around the corner! 

     I want to create a lesson plan and schedule for Caleb's next year of homeschooling. I want to be sure he learns what is vital for him to know as an adult. I really think education is key, not just for him, but for everyone. 

     I created a new Facebook Page to be able to sell my paperback books. It is called "Jennifer de Mello's bookstore." I feel like I spend so much time on facebook, I may as well just setup there. It makes my life easier to use a platform already established. It did not cost me anything to create it. I invited all the people I could to like it. I ran a booster ad for only $19.00 or something like that. Efficiency is what this single mom needs. 

     Caleb is happy on his laptop. It helps keep him calm, and busy so I can get my work done, and take care of myself too. 

     Today is Sunday. Tomorrow I do not have any appointments, so i will likely be writing my chapter. 

     I have started experimenting with hair wraps. I like the way it feels around my head and hair. I might do it more often. It helps me know where my head is. Just like wearing my compression far infrared tank top under my shirts lets me know where I am in space-time. Just like wearing leggings helps me know where my legs are. I can't wear leggings right now, because I don't think I have a summer type pair. This is my Autism speaking here, just to be sure my readers understand. I feel not in touch with my body all the time, and so wearing stuff helps me feel where I end and where I begin. I know that sounds weird to someone who is not familiar with Autism and trauma stuff, but that's how it is for me. 

     I remember a few questions from the psych eval that threw me off. One was "If the sun is northeast, is your shadow southeast?" I answered no. I was tired of being asked questions. I had a headache already, and could not think about the answer. It was a true or false question in the test. Another question I remember was "Was George Washington the first president?" I answered "true", and then I said "I don't remember" and I threw my hands up and laughed. I mean, when was the last time someone questioned me about American History? 20 years ago? My memory is bad. I told the tester, Ms.Conquer, that before we even started. I am in therapy for it. 

     Ms. Conquer asked me the question I hate to be asked "Why do you think you have Autism?" I could not answer. I had not prepared a response for that question. I directed her to look at the assessments I provided for my records. All 6 of the Autism tests show that I am  clearly Autistic. Why do I need reasons to test? Why do I need to prove myself over and over to mental health professional who should be able to determine whether or not I Autism? It was frustrating. I tried to explain what I could remember. I have trouble looking at people when I am speaking. I can look and pay attention at the person when they are speaking, but when I speak , I feel uncomfortable looking at the person. I do not have a list of reasons to take the Autism tests. That's what the tests are for. I gave them copies of the complete tests. I am going to contact Ms. Conquer and ask her to include them in her assessments and responses. Frustrating! I feel like I am forced to act "normal" when I am not normal. How do I answer a question without having time to create a response in advance? I was silent. I couldn't think. Nothing was running through my mind. No words, ideas, or thoughts. Just a blank stare came from me. I tried so hard to perform like a normal person and be able to answer the question for her. I couldn't. There wasn't enough time to create my answer. Conversations running smoothly do not lag on and on... there wasn't enough time to create my answer. I felt rushed into something I was unaware of. It caused my anxiety to spike. I felt in danger of being treated badly again. Badly by someone who doesn't believe my self-diagnosis. Yes, I know I am not a doctor, yet. I have read things. I have answered the tests for my self and for Caleb. I see similarities between me and Caleb, and he is Autistic. I could have said that. I could have said, I took 6 tests that I have provided to you, and are in my records. I could have said alot of things, but nothing was visible in my mind. Nothing, just blank. 

     I need to write down an answer I can look at and read out loud when I am asked that damned question by providers. Look! See! I have a list of reasons to be tested! Are you happy now? Why can't things be simple? Jesus be with me! I need your help! I can't function in this world living a lie. I am not normal. I don't want to fake it or pretend anymore. I want to be able to tell people I have Autism and they get it. I don't want to explain what that means to me. I don't want to walk around with an essay to explain to people, but it looks like that is exactly what I need to do. I have to educate the people who matter to me. I have to be able to answer this damned question with ease and without getting stressed out. Without getting high anxiety. I feel like I really need school right now. I need a course on what Autism is so I can verify how I am. I don't know. I've never really thought about it until now. I never really identified as having Autism, I just thought I was an odd-ball. I thought I was weird. I thought I was a product of my up-bringing, abuses, and traumas. 

     I need a list of Autistic traits that I can verify my own against. Yes or no questions would be preferred. I have a book called "I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide To Autism Spectrum-Disorder Diagnosis And Self-Discovery For Adults." I tried to read it, but I got overstimulated by all the questions and had to quit. I don't think that is normal.

     I don't think it' normal that I care so much about how my clothes and shoes feel. Or how my jewelry feels to me. I don't think it's normal that I need to stick to my routines, or my day is ruined. I don't think it's normal that I need so much time to think about answers to questions. I don't think my social anxiety is normal. I don't think I present well with groups of strangers. I shut down, and go mute. I want to say something but can't. I don't make friends easily. I get tired of conversations and don't like to hang out. I need alot of time to recovery from everyday experiences like going to Walmart. I get overstimulated with tv and movies. Sometimes, I need complete silence to recover from the day. I need breaks from people often. I can't be somewhere for long without wanting to go home and be in my zone. 

     I just got the invoice for the paper back versions of "Let Go or Be Dragged." I hope to make a few more sales. I will donate some to the VA clinic's library. I got two sales already. My Aunt Lisa bought one copy and My Granny bought one copy. 

     Now that I have settled down a little bit after that spew. I know what I need to do now. Be blessed!

5 Year Journal Day 368

      Today's prompt is "List what you've eaten for the past week." Uh. I don't remember all that. I remember I had a few steaks, some tri-color bell peppers, mushrooms, onions, red cherry peppers, olives, feta cheese, swiss cheese, and cucumbers and jalepeno artichoke dip.

     Yesterday was a hard day. I took a rest before I had to drive to Wilmington for my psych eval appointment, but I could not sleep. I got there early. I did some psychological testing, and left about an hour and a half later with a headache. Caleb went with me of course. he waited with his laptop inn the waiting room. When asked if i brought someone with me, I said yes. And when asked who I brought, I said "My son...my service human." LOL And then I clarified by saying that he does help me with my anxiety. 

      The questions asked some weird stuff at times. I do not know what will come of it, but it takes about 2 weeks to get results. We drove home, and stopped at Arby's for Caleb. I did not buy anything to eat. I bought myself a bottled water. Caleb had 2 large mozzarella sticks orders. He is a hungry and growing boy.

     I went to lay down after getting home. It was super hot outside, and we both needed to cool off. I was tired and had a major headache. I really did not do much more with my day. I asked Caleb to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer for me. I am trying to get that load of clothes dry so I have a compression top to wear after I shower. 

     Ms. Conquer was nice, the tester.

     I made pepperoni and cheese sausages for dinner. Caleb did not like them! I liked them, but I can't eat but one at a time because it of the hidden carbs and sugars in them. 

     We got our air fryer in the mail the other day. I just have to set it up and read the directions on how to use it. We already have fish and chicken thighs waiting to be cooked in there.

     I got some of my smaller sized clothes in the mail yesterday. I wonder if they will fit now, or if I have to wait. I am currently wearing a new but big size shirt from Lane Bryant. I like Lane Bryant clothes because they are normally very soft. 

     I am excited to see where this first book takes me. I have already been on a YouTube video. I think my next thing is a podcast, and radio. I'm not sure. 

     I am excited about the upcoming books too. I have decided to work with Sheila Farr on an on-going basis. I enjoy her spirit, and writing one chapter at a time really takes the pressure off. 

     Today is Saturday. Caleb woke me up at 0400. He had a nightmare. It is now 0505.

     I do not know what I will do today. I know Bella needs a bath. I know I need a shower. I know what I have on my list of things to do. I just don't know what will take priority today. It depends on how well my energy stays with me today.

    I feel like I don't have alot to say today. I wanted to go into what the conversation was like in the psych eval appointment, but I don't feel like I'm ready to write about it. I will continue with my morning routines then. Be Blessed!