Sunday, July 3, 2022

5 Year Journal Day 364

      Today's prompt is "On a scale of one to ten, how spontaneous were you today?" I was a little spontaneous. I was able to get started on moving books from boxes to shelves today. I knew I wanted to do it yesterday, but the act of doing it versus thinking about doing it, is spontaneous.

     It is now 1003, and I am just taking a break from moving books to shelves. There are alot of books that won't fit on the shelves we have, so I need to re-organize. I am also planning on getting my paperwork organized that I have piled up in my workspace. I am washing a load of laundry. I have at least 3 baskets of laundry that are already clean and need to be folded and put away. 

     I feel like my normal self today, minus the sniffles and occasional cough with phlegm. No more Covid-19, for the most part.

     I am focusing on doing physical activities around the house to better prepare for what is coming in my future. I will be starting classes August 8th, and I want to be able to think clearly. That means decluttering spaces in the house. I am taking my time because it is overwhelming. I think we will have sausages for dinner tonight. Doing chores helps me relax, believe it or not, because it is a part of my routine framework. Routines help me stay calm. I do a morning routine every morning. I do a night routine every night. 

     Caleb kept waking me up throughout the wee hours of the morning. I don't know why. I finally got out of bed around 0650. I was making an effort to stay in bed until my alarm at 0700. 

     Doing routine things, helps me clear my head. It's no different than taking a run or walk for other people. I just have so much going on in there. 

     I am waiting to hear from Sheila Farr about what the next steps are in marketing our book. It becomes available on July 7th, in 4 days. It's pretty exciting. I wonder if anyone will relate to my story. It was brief as I had to keep my word count within limits. I could have gone on for chapters and chapters. That's why i need to write my own book. 

     Tomorrow is the 4th of July. We aren't doing anything special. Maybe grill dinner.

     Getting back to myself has not been easy. I was highly attached to Christinia and Harlee. When they moved out, I felt a huge loss. Then the day after, I was given resources to find out about more about Autism, and I took those 6 tests. I had trouble realizing the results because the results were so clear. It boggles the mind, but you know what? I did not have healthcare growing up. I did not have a doctor who I regularly visited. No pediatrician. No nothing. How could I have been diagnosed without being seen by a doctor? There is just no way. The internet wasn't even invented when I was little. No one had computers at that time. Just coming to these conclusions, takes some of the pain away that is deep within my memory. 

     I guess my dad did not think healthcare was important until he met Dona Sharon, and she took up nursing. I only got a half-ass physical my freshman year in high school because it was required to join the soccer team at Pine Forest High School. 

     When I needed medical care, the only option was to go to a clinic or the emergency room. I remember going to the emergency room once in high school. I was having trouble with uncontrollable and never quitting vomiting. Dona Sharon noticed how many times I was going to the bathroom and said I needed to be seen by a doctor. I went and I remember telling them that I could not get a blood-free urine sample because I was on my period. Actually the vomiting was normal for my period back then, that's one reason I did not think anything of it. I had been vomiting on my period since I began my period in 5th grade. I always had diarrhea too. I laid in the hospital bed in the hallway because the ER was full. The nurse who walked by said, "I'm not a doctor, but you may have fibromyalgia." I remember that clearly now, but I did not know what that meant at the tender age of maybe 16. What the Hell is fibromyalgia? I could not remember the word she told me when we got home to be able to look it up on the internet. I was not feeling well anyway. They gave me medication to take to stop the vomiting, and sent me home. I remember that my dad was with me. I don't remember if Mathew was at the bed with us, but probably. 

     When the bill came, it was for more than $700. You know what my dad said to me? "You're paying for that." How ridiculous is it to think that a 16 year old girl, without a job at the time, was going to pay her own medical bill? It wasn't my fault we did not have health insurance. We should have qualified for Medicaid or something. And now thinking... AND I had Autism at that time. It's like that with alot of my memories these days... thinking to myself, AND I had Autism! The things I lived through, AND I had Autism.

     It's really unbelievable some of the things I went through while I was living with my dad and Dona Sharon during my high school years. Crazy to think about it now. 

     Yesterday I did not do what I intended to do at the beginning of the day. My intentions were to put the books on the shelves and clear the clutter from living room floor. Instead I found Apple Music, with a student discount! I spent hours trying to remember all the music I have ever collected and replacing them. I get 2 months free too. Pretty awesome. I listened to so much music. It must have been almost 3 or 4 hours of listening to music and singing every song I know. I sang my heart out. It felt good. Listening to music and the memories the songs bring up can be hard though. 

     I'm so glad we have the internet today. I would not be able to find resources for us without it. It would be unmanageable. Caleb has had Medicaid since we came home from Korea. I would not have been able to pay for his healthcare without Medicaid. We have had food stamps on and off throughout his lifetime. I would not have been able to afford formula without vouchers that were given to me by social services. Where was my dad's head? And why didn't my mom play a more active role in my growing up? I understand that she did not want to have anything to do with my dad, but why abandon us like that? I needed a mother to tell my father how to raise me, and she didn't do that. 

     I'm just thinking because Caleb has had annual physical examinations by his regular pediatrician his whole life. He has been seen by mental health professionals since he was 4 or 5. He was in occupational therapy and speech therapy when he was 5, and I have continued to get him services his entire life. I don't comprehend what he was thinking that medical care was not important to have. I don't understand at all why my mother didn't guarantee medical care by questioning him about it on a regular basis. I was not able to ask about health insurance. I did not even know what health insurance was! I did not know children should see a doctor on a regular basis when I was a child. I did not know alot of things that my parents should have known pretty early on in my development. What the Hell? 

     I don't know what they remember. One day I might have to ask. I know that one memory of me having "an allergic reaction" to honey in daycare one day was frightening. I just remember losing control over my body and all my muscles tensing to the extreme and everything hurting. That does not seem like an allergic reaction, does it? I think it was a major milestone in my Autism Spectrum Disorder. 

     In any case, I have to get back to work. I was supposed to join a Facebook Live thing right now, but here I am writing my blog sooo.... Yep. Back to work. 

No comments:

Post a Comment