Today's prompt is "Write down five words that describe today." Today is Saturday, the weekend, relaxing, productive, and fun!
Yesterday was a day. I woke up around 0230 and stayed up. I could not go to sleep. So I did a portion of the Dream Builder program that is helping me write my business plan. I also went through the stack of mail on the kitchen table to refresh my memory of what I have to do. I wrote down a plan for the day. It was a list of places I needed to go, in the order that I needed to go in. First I needed to bring a water survey to the post office. Then I wanted to buy ribeye steaks that are on sale from Food Lion, which is very close to the post office. When I went to Food Lion, though, they did not have the ribeye steaks in stock. The meat truck had just arrived and they said it would be a few hours before the meats were displayed. I bought chicken thighs and bacon instead.
The next thing on my list was to go to Lowe's and get a refund for my windows order. I wanted to cancel the contract I signed back in April. The windows would not be ready until August, but my budget has decreased since Christinia has moved out. I can no longer afford the $600/month payment on the windows contract. It was for my peace of mind to cancel the contract. I was so worried about how I was going to manage payments. I was trying my best to come up with money from somewhere, anywhere. It just wasn't happening though. So, I decided I would cancel the contract and remove that debt from my budget altogether until I could afford the payment without worrying about how I am going to buy gas or groceries.
We then went to Bubba's vet appointment. he has to be weighed in monthly to get renewals to his flea and tick medication and his heart worm medication. Both of those are based on weight, for how much of a dose to give him, so he has to go get weighed before they refill his meds. Anyway, I was running about an hour earlier than expected. I went into the office to see if it was possible to be seen early because we were already there. Otherwise, I would have just waited in the car. They were happy to take Bubba to get a shot, and weigh him in. He is a little over 15 pounds now. He is still skinny, but I am reminding Caleb to feed him twice a day because he is a growing boy!
When we came home, and I got out of the car, Caleb says to me , " Mom! You have a hole in your shirt!" I did not care at the time, but when I went to look to see it, there it was.... HUGE! I was wearing a shirt to run my errands all morning with a huge hole in the back of my one of my favorite shirts!
Oh, I forgot, we stopped at Lowe's Foods to get the ribeye steaks on sale over there that I so desperately wanted. That was the end of our running around time.
We came home, and I needed a nap. It was gray and raining on and off the whole morning. I don't know why I woke up so early. Usually if I wake up that early that I take a nap before really starting the day, but not yesterday. I stayed up the entire morning! It was crazy. I am getting better healthwise. The Covid-19 is kind of lingering with the phlegm and mucus in my coughs, and the runny nose, but that is about it now. I am happy for the relatively quick recovery. I hate not being to do my work. It was so hard to think with all that stimuli from the sickness. The headaches, the body aches, the sneezing, the coughing, the congestion... terrible! Made it hard to think straight. I needed my rest, and I was not afraid to take it.
I tried to rest and take a nap yesterday, several times, but could not fall asleep. My thoughts were too active and too loud for me to sleep.
I got up and began hand washing the dishes in the sink, because the dishwasher is broken and requires new parts. I washed as many as I could fit in the dish strainer and stopped to take a break. I was listening to my music from my phone to my bluetooth speaker loudly, and singing. I listened to my favorite Lynard Skynard songs, Kid Rock, Sheryl Crow, and a few other artists that I have not heard in a long time. They pull my heart strings. I have history with those songs. I began to cry at one point.
The bluetooth speaker was losing charge, so we put on the stereo that Christinia bought me for Christmas (I think, I don't remember what the occasion was). The last song that I had to hear was Pitbull, "The Anthem" . LOL That was the last song I danced to in the night club. I loved it when it played. I felt so latina to dance to it. I remember being on the dance floor with Rivera, after having a drink or two, and having a good time.
I wanted to grill steak for dinner, but at about 1500, Caleb was super hungry. I told him I would make him bacon earlier in the day, and he really wanted bacon. He loves bacon! I don't make it often. So, after trying and failing to have another nap, I began to wash the pan I needed to cook the bacon. I preheated the oven and began cooking half a pound of bacon at a time in the oven. That's the easiest way to get me to cook bacon, in the oven! I bought a total of 3 lbs. of bacon, and it takes about 10 minutes per pan of bacon to cook at 450 degrees Fahrenheit. So, it took awhile, and when it was done, I was tired again. We ate as the bacon became ready to eat. I wanted a steak, but I was full! So, I asked Caleb to put the steak in the fridge for tomorrow. I went ahead and took my night time meds and did my routine, so I could go lay down. My back was hurting, and I did not realize it until I laid down in bed.
I did not realize that yesterday was the day for the Fourth of July Parade and Activities. I would not have gone with it raining anyway.
Today is Saturday, and it is currently 0536. I have been up for about 2 hours or so. I already took my medications, and most of my supplements. I always check my weight after using the toilet first thing after getting up. I checked my blood sugar. I feel ok, just a runny nose. I don't know what I have planned for today yet. I need to clear up the kitchen and living room. It's a hot mess in here. It got bad with my fibromyalgia flare up when Christinia was on vacation, and got worse when I caught Covid-19. Things pile up quickly and the mail never stops. I ordered stuff weeks ago and it is just now coming in shipments. I have big boxes of books all over the living room floor that I need to sort and put away. I have to wash the dishes that were not properly washed in the dishwasher. I have to also wash the dishes that I would ordinarily hand wash that piled up. I still have to clean the hallway carpet. My room is a disaster area. Now that I am feeling better, I will prioritize the list of things I need to get done, and start doing them, one by one. One step at a time is the only way I can keep from being overwhelmed. Small steps.
I would like to clear the living room area enough to be able to do my stretching that I want to do. I will be in physical therapy this week I think. I'm not sure. Let's see... I have a fasting lab on Tuesday morning. I have Reiki sessions with Colleen on Monday and Wednesday. I have psycho-therapy on Thursday and then I have physical therapy in the office in the afternoon. Friday is my psych-eval. That is going to be trouble for Caleb. I have been giving it some thought. Things have changed since I made the appointment. Christinia is no longer here to watch him. I refuse to leave him at home, while I am in Wilmington. It's too far away. Besides he no longer has a working phone to call for help if he needs it. I might have to add service to my old iPhone for cases like this, where I have to be gone for hours. My psych-eval appointment is going to last about 3 hours, plus it's an hour drive to get there, and an hour drive to get back. That's a long-ass time to wait. He can do it, though, because I waited for him when he was getting his psych-eval done.
On Monday, I am going to call and schedule my psych-eval with a non-VA provider to be tested for Autism. I need that on my records. All the tests I have taken show Autism.
In between all the appointments, I will be getting the house fixed up and catching up on my chores. I am not focusing on homeschooling right now because I can't work in this environment. It must be corrected. The books need to be organized and put away so that I can find what I am looking for easily. Some books are reference books, while other books are workbooks. I am using both to teach Caleb. I wish I could just buy textbooks that have instructions in them. The workbooks expect you to know how to do the things already, which makes my job harder. Getting Caleb to understand and focus on what I am teaching is hard. I can't wait to finish my Master's Degree. I really need the education right now. The degree will help me teach Caleb in a way that works for people with Autism.
Caleb just woke up and went to the bacon plate to see that there were only a few slices left. I was hungry around 9:30 pm last night. I ate a whole bunch of bacon then.
I have papers piling up that need to be filed. I have filing cabinets that need to be updated. I have books to read. Lots of books to read. I have learning to do. I have teaching to do. I have housework to do. SO much to do!
I have been thinking about writing my book, but I am not ready. I want to fully process the anthology we have coming out July 7th first. I want to see if I can get a website to sell my books on too. Or something to make selling books easier to people I do not have direct contact with. I am creating a business plan to open an online bookstore that sells my books directly. It will be helpful to figure this type of stuff out before I begin the book I really want to write, which I have not even settled on the topic and timeframe yet.
I bought a Yoga certification class and a Meditation certification class not too long ago. I need to start learning from those too. I also still have the Natura certification classes that I never really started. Then I have all the Udemy and Magdalene Rose Academy classes too. So many classes! I just want to learn everything I need to know before I write my book! I want personal growth. I want spiritual growth. I want financial security and growth. I need growth!
I had to email Capella about my Post 9/11 GI bill certification. I asked them not to certify my classes until October when I am taking 2 classes at a time. I don't know if they will comply. It makes sense to use the Post 9/11 GI bill for the portions of the year where I am taking the maximum number of classes at one time, because that is when the bill will be the highest. That will save me from spending so much money on student loans.
So, I reached out to a number of people the day I took the Autism Spectrum Disorder screening tests. One of those people was my ex-husband, Nigel. I told him about the results, and also told him that I was sad. I told him the results might help shed light on how I acted in the past. He told me I could text him anytime, and that I would be ok. He also said that he will always love me, and I should get help for Autism. He really helped me in a way that I knew I could depend on him like I did before. It was nice to share my feeling with someone from my past, and feel heard. Someone who shared more than a few moments with me, and knew me inside and out. I think we dated for a few years before we got married. Then we were married for less than a year before I filed for divorce.
I never hid who I was from Nigel. he knew me when I was at my worst, and never got to see me at my best. I regret getting divorced, but he was being abusive and manipulative while I was in Army training, and I could not deal with that. He was upset when I got hurt in basic training, and wanted me to quit and come home. I just couldn't allow myself to quit. I couldn't just come home to the failure I would have felt. I needed money for my college education. I already knew I couldn't hold a number of jobs, as I tried and failed those too.
He was jealous that I called my dad on my 10-minute phone time on Sundays during basic training. I needed someone to help me keep going, and he wasn't that. He called my chain of command and complained about me to my Commander during AIT. When I was allowed to have my phone and use it, he accused me of cheating on him because I did not call everyday. I was always exhausted at the end of the day! Damn!
One of the things we decided before getting married was that we would both enlist in the Army and be stationed together. He never enlisted. His ASVAB score was not high enough to qualify, and I do not know if he did that intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, I felt like he didn't hold up his end of our agreement.
After our divorce finalized, I sent him a picture of me with baby Caleb. I do not know if I ever explained to him that Caleb was a product of a rape, not me cheating on him during our legal separation.
I reached out to Craig too. He was a friend with benefits I met in Korea. He was stationed at Camp Casey, while I was at Yongsan. He is still serving and now a Sergeant First Class. He helps me by making me smile and laugh.
I tried to tell Christinia how I felt, but she didn't understand where I was coming from, I think. I am not sure. I think maybe because I knew before I took all those tests that I already knew I was on the Autism Spectrum, that maybe she thought I shouldn't be hurt by the realization of it. It just hit me so hard. It was right there in my face, the results of all the tests combined. It's like, how can somebody NOT see that I have Autism? She doesn't see the Autism in me really. I don't think she can comprehend my past, because I can't explain in enough detail the things I would have to explain for her to understand. Autism. Right there. I think if other people in my past became educated about Autism in girls, and looked back at how I behaved, they would see it right away.
There were so many times when I wanted to speak, but couldn't. I lacked the words to express my thoughts. I had emotions and couldn't show them to others. I loved, and nobody knew. I was quiet. Or I was silent. I was mute. I would get so frustrated with my friends for not understanding me, but how could they? I thought I was "normal" and just having challenges, like everybody else. I should have known that I was never normal. I did not know. And that is what hurts. The strain it put on my relationships with others, and the abuse I suffered from family while being in the state I was in. I struggled. I had a great deal of anxiety and I did not know that was what it was called. I never thought I was that different. I knew I was different because I struggled more than others in social situations.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is playing in the background. Harry Potter helps me get things done. I don't know why. I am attached to the series. The earlier movies moreso than the later movies. Routines keep me going. When my routine gets messed up, I have a hard time rebounding. I have lots of little things I do that make me happier throughout the day that are routine.
Anyway, it is now 0640. Capella class starts August 8th. I need to be getting ready for that too. i need to do the online orientation and stuff that I am required to do before class starts.
The anthology, "Let Go or Be Dragged", is coming out on July 7th. I can't wait to sell my first book! I am trying to get in pre-orders, but have not received formal orders yet.
Bella needs a bath pretty badly. It looks like another rainy day ahead of us. It is sunrise time and still gray and gloomy outside. I might just make the chicken thighs for dinner. Make half the family pack and put the other half in the freezer for later. Sounds good.
I love Harry Potter movies. I almost just want to lay in bed and fall asleep listening to it. I still have parts of my morning routine that have not been done yet. I better get to it. Be blessed!
No comments:
Post a Comment