Today's prompt is " What is your most cherished memory of the year?" Going to my friend, Montanna's , farm and picking up Bubba, our pitbull puppy.
It is now 0835 on Sunday. Yesterday I spent about 7-8 hours on the phone with my dad. There was no arguing. There was no name-calling or yelling, just calm conversation. It was nice to catch up with him. I have missed him.
Yesterday I also spoke with my mom, and my Granny and Pepere. I went ahead and bought Granny and Pepere a portable air conditioner with heater for them to have as a back up to their central air conditioner, which is not keeping up with the heat. I spoke to my dad and he prompted me to call them and find out how they are doing. I have not heard from them since day 2 of my Covid-19. I remembered mom telling me that they had a problem with their air conditioner but could not replace it. I called them and found out that it still had not been fixed. They are sweating in their house every day. They are elderly and should not be in heat. We have had a week of heat indices over 100 degrees. I know it gets hot in Florida. I know they are suffering. I do not want them to suffer. My dad does not want them to suffer. My dad offered to pay for the portable air conditioner that I purchased and am having shipped from Amazon.
Mom is down with Covid-19 right now. I told her to seek treatment right away. She did! I am glad for that because it makes a difference in a person's Covid-19 experience, as I found out.
Mom took some really sweet photos with Sherri and her family. Turned out really good. I wish I knew Sherri better. I wish we could talk. She blocked me a long time ago. I am blocked from all my siblings right now. It hurts. I want to know all my nieces and nephews. I want to be that Auntie.
Today I am planning to take a shower, once my laundry is dry. I also plan on learning how to air fry fish fillets, so I can make dinner. I need to wash Bella. I need Caleb to empty out the trash from the Mazda. It's Sunday, so we take the trash and recycling out today for tomorrow's pick up. I feel like I have some clothes that are now too big for me, to give away. I will donate like I always do. I bought Caleb size 14 men's shoes yesterday. He has outgrown his size 13's.
Yesterday we went to Walmart for a few groceries. We also went to the post office to forward Christinia's mail, and to Food Lion. I have fresh veggies now! I had to throw away a whole head of red leaf lettuce because it went bad in the fridge. I learned how to change the air filter on the fridge. I learned how to change the water filter on the fridge too.
The dogs are happy and safe inside, where they belong, away from this heat. I don't understand people who leave their pets outside when it is dangerous for humans to be outside.
I just figured out how to use this seat cushion I bought a long time ago. I had it faced the wrong way for the longest time, and could not figure out why my tail bone hurt so bad. It feels good now. I know I am doing it right , finally.
I will be writing my chapter for "Clinging to the Vine" soon. It is the next book I will be featured in. It releases on amazon.com on August 18th.
I also have another book I will be featured in coming up after that. It is called "#BeastMode."
I am making my dreams of being a publisher writer come true! I could not have done it without the help of Brandi Miles, from VeteransUnleashed, and Sheila Farr.
I am preparing to go to school on August 8th. I have my Reiki Master graduation ceremony in August too. I think I finalize the Ignite Your Program in August. Alot of things are happening in August! And it's just right around the corner!
I want to create a lesson plan and schedule for Caleb's next year of homeschooling. I want to be sure he learns what is vital for him to know as an adult. I really think education is key, not just for him, but for everyone.
I created a new Facebook Page to be able to sell my paperback books. It is called "Jennifer de Mello's bookstore." I feel like I spend so much time on facebook, I may as well just setup there. It makes my life easier to use a platform already established. It did not cost me anything to create it. I invited all the people I could to like it. I ran a booster ad for only $19.00 or something like that. Efficiency is what this single mom needs.
Caleb is happy on his laptop. It helps keep him calm, and busy so I can get my work done, and take care of myself too.
Today is Sunday. Tomorrow I do not have any appointments, so i will likely be writing my chapter.
I have started experimenting with hair wraps. I like the way it feels around my head and hair. I might do it more often. It helps me know where my head is. Just like wearing my compression far infrared tank top under my shirts lets me know where I am in space-time. Just like wearing leggings helps me know where my legs are. I can't wear leggings right now, because I don't think I have a summer type pair. This is my Autism speaking here, just to be sure my readers understand. I feel not in touch with my body all the time, and so wearing stuff helps me feel where I end and where I begin. I know that sounds weird to someone who is not familiar with Autism and trauma stuff, but that's how it is for me.
I remember a few questions from the psych eval that threw me off. One was "If the sun is northeast, is your shadow southeast?" I answered no. I was tired of being asked questions. I had a headache already, and could not think about the answer. It was a true or false question in the test. Another question I remember was "Was George Washington the first president?" I answered "true", and then I said "I don't remember" and I threw my hands up and laughed. I mean, when was the last time someone questioned me about American History? 20 years ago? My memory is bad. I told the tester, Ms.Conquer, that before we even started. I am in therapy for it.
Ms. Conquer asked me the question I hate to be asked "Why do you think you have Autism?" I could not answer. I had not prepared a response for that question. I directed her to look at the assessments I provided for my records. All 6 of the Autism tests show that I am clearly Autistic. Why do I need reasons to test? Why do I need to prove myself over and over to mental health professional who should be able to determine whether or not I Autism? It was frustrating. I tried to explain what I could remember. I have trouble looking at people when I am speaking. I can look and pay attention at the person when they are speaking, but when I speak , I feel uncomfortable looking at the person. I do not have a list of reasons to take the Autism tests. That's what the tests are for. I gave them copies of the complete tests. I am going to contact Ms. Conquer and ask her to include them in her assessments and responses. Frustrating! I feel like I am forced to act "normal" when I am not normal. How do I answer a question without having time to create a response in advance? I was silent. I couldn't think. Nothing was running through my mind. No words, ideas, or thoughts. Just a blank stare came from me. I tried so hard to perform like a normal person and be able to answer the question for her. I couldn't. There wasn't enough time to create my answer. Conversations running smoothly do not lag on and on... there wasn't enough time to create my answer. I felt rushed into something I was unaware of. It caused my anxiety to spike. I felt in danger of being treated badly again. Badly by someone who doesn't believe my self-diagnosis. Yes, I know I am not a doctor, yet. I have read things. I have answered the tests for my self and for Caleb. I see similarities between me and Caleb, and he is Autistic. I could have said that. I could have said, I took 6 tests that I have provided to you, and are in my records. I could have said alot of things, but nothing was visible in my mind. Nothing, just blank.
I need to write down an answer I can look at and read out loud when I am asked that damned question by providers. Look! See! I have a list of reasons to be tested! Are you happy now? Why can't things be simple? Jesus be with me! I need your help! I can't function in this world living a lie. I am not normal. I don't want to fake it or pretend anymore. I want to be able to tell people I have Autism and they get it. I don't want to explain what that means to me. I don't want to walk around with an essay to explain to people, but it looks like that is exactly what I need to do. I have to educate the people who matter to me. I have to be able to answer this damned question with ease and without getting stressed out. Without getting high anxiety. I feel like I really need school right now. I need a course on what Autism is so I can verify how I am. I don't know. I've never really thought about it until now. I never really identified as having Autism, I just thought I was an odd-ball. I thought I was weird. I thought I was a product of my up-bringing, abuses, and traumas.
I need a list of Autistic traits that I can verify my own against. Yes or no questions would be preferred. I have a book called "I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide To Autism Spectrum-Disorder Diagnosis And Self-Discovery For Adults." I tried to read it, but I got overstimulated by all the questions and had to quit. I don't think that is normal.
I don't think it' normal that I care so much about how my clothes and shoes feel. Or how my jewelry feels to me. I don't think it's normal that I need to stick to my routines, or my day is ruined. I don't think it's normal that I need so much time to think about answers to questions. I don't think my social anxiety is normal. I don't think I present well with groups of strangers. I shut down, and go mute. I want to say something but can't. I don't make friends easily. I get tired of conversations and don't like to hang out. I need alot of time to recovery from everyday experiences like going to Walmart. I get overstimulated with tv and movies. Sometimes, I need complete silence to recover from the day. I need breaks from people often. I can't be somewhere for long without wanting to go home and be in my zone.
I just got the invoice for the paper back versions of "Let Go or Be Dragged." I hope to make a few more sales. I will donate some to the VA clinic's library. I got two sales already. My Aunt Lisa bought one copy and My Granny bought one copy.
Now that I have settled down a little bit after that spew. I know what I need to do now. Be blessed!
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