New Year's Eve and Caleb's birthday

     Today is Caleb's 14th birthday!!! 

    My whole body is sore and tired. I slept on the new grounding sheet last night, but I kept waking up to eat and drink in the middle of the night. I finally got up when my 0700 alarm rang. I'm exhausted. 

    Today I have to find a way to buy some soup for Dona Sharon from Walmart, and maybe some other things like my tea. I have to buy Caleb the German chocolate cake he wants for his birthday. I volunteered to help Granny find assisted living facilities for her and Pepere to live in as a couple. I have laundry to wash still. 

    Yesterday Jessica came over and worked on cleaning the kitchen. Almost all of the dishes are clean. The countertop is set up for both the water filtration tanks to be used now. Nice and clean. I cooked the collard greens with ham and Vidalia onion yesterday morning. I received the Good Chop box yesterday with the hamburger patties in it.

    Dona Sharon is making the cheese fondue we both like for New Year's Eve. I think she has plans to make a meat and cheese board too. 

    I asked Caleb to give both the dogs baths today. 

    I spent time yesterday cutting down boxes that are on the porch, and accidentally stabbed my left middle finger with my knife. I reached out to Jonathan to request that a few truck loads be hauled away. He will be able to come either on Thursday or Friday. Chris got called in to work yesterday, so he was unable to haul any trash for us. 

    I can't believe it's been 14 years already. Caleb has grown so much since I gave birth to him. We have been through so much together. I wish my dad was here with us to celebrate.

    I found only one video of my dad. I just uploaded it to his memorial page.

    Well, my soreness has subsided since I went ahead and took my medications and supplements, but now I'm tired.

    I had to wake Caleb up to let the dogs out. He is talkative this morning as he is every morning. 

    I want a pasta dish. Dona Sharon is going to make one with Italian sausage per my request. 

    I have been harder on Caleb recently. I am tired of his excuses when I need something to be done. I am stepping up in a way that I could not when Dona Sharon was not here. I hope she stays with us for a while. I am a different and happier person when she is here. I am more productive and less depressed when she is here. I try harder. I push through. I am getting stuff done. I asked her to stick around at least until I get dad's affairs taken care of, so she could support me. I also need the income to pay down the debts I have incurred taking care of dad's final expenses. 

    I am working towards this refinance, but I don't know when I will be able to close now. I don't even know if I will be able to roll the contractor's bill into the mortgage yet because I have to find a licensed contractor willing to work according to the requirements of the bank. I just don't know, and it's the holidays, so I have to wait to find out. 

    I need a day of rest, but every time I schedule one for myself, something comes up that I just have to do. I was planning on only washing the laundry today, but I have to go out and do all those things I mentioned earlier. I'm tired. I could use a shower. I have only been awake for 2 hours, and I already need a nap.  

    Yesterday I shared dad's memorial page link with Dona Sharon again. She viewed all his photos that I uploaded. I let her hear the voicemail dad left me one day too. Both Caleb and Dona Sharon were in tears. 

    I told them both to let their emotions out because they don't want it stored in their bodies. I told Dona Sharon that she is safe with me. She is in a safe place here. I said it's going to be a long time of grieving because they were together for 27 years. 

    I put a grounding sheet on her bed in the hopes it would help with inflammation, pain, and sleep. I told her I would find crystals for her in my collection to keep by her bed to keep the nightmares from occurring. I offered to use smudge spray in her room, but she refused. I hope I can teach her Reiki level 1 soon as I know how much it helps me to do self-care. 

    I'm so tired right now. I think I'm going to rest before I get started for the day.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

Christmas Is over Day 3

     Yesterday I woke up around 0300 and stayed awake all day. I went to Food Lion in the morning to buy some Pepto Bismol for my diarrhea. It worked! I was able to focus on cleaning the kitchen like I wanted. I got the dishwasher fully loaded and ran it. I washed all the pots, pans, and oversized utensils by hand. The only dishes left are the dishes that were found after I washed all the dishes that I had. I washed the stovetop and countertop where I do my cooking and began to cook my baked omelet. 

    I layer my ingredients.

Sliced portobella mushrooms and sliced baby bella mushrooms in a olive oil sprayed nonstick baking pan

fresh baby spinach leaves

1 chopped Vidalia Onion

Large bag of sharp cheddar cheese from Food Lion

18 large eggs blended in a mixing bowl with garlic powder, garlic salt, onion powder, and black pepper then poured on top of the veggies in the pan.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes and done!

    So that was my day. Carly came over and cleaned my bedroom for me. She also got the laundry started again. I sent her home with a big piece of the omelet I made.

    Today Jessica is coming over. I still have to get laundry washed, folded and put away. I have to clean the other part of the countertop over the dishwasher to make room for my water filtration tanks. I have to clean off the kitchen island. 

    I bought the most beautiful collard greens yesterday. I wanted to cook them yesterday, but I ran out of energy. I bought ham to cook with them.

    I got in contact with Pride Restoration yesterday about the work I need done. 

    I've gained a lot of weight back. I look forward to walking on my incline trainer.

    Today is Friday. The only work I will be doing tomorrow is maybe cooking and laundry. Caleb's birthday is coming up. He wants a German chocolate cake. I think they always have them ready to buy at Lowe's Foods. 

    I bought a training collar for Bubba. He has been a lot better behaved now that he takes a calming supplement in the morning. 

    I am ready to take my medications and supplements and start my day. It is already 0652 and my alarm will sound at 0700. 

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

    

Christmas is Over Day 2

     Yesterday I got paid and so I paid the bills, like usual. I also managed to take a shower and change into some clean clothes. Carly came over to help clean the house. I asked her to start in the laundry room and to help me get the laundry going. I was planning on cleaning the kitchen, but I never even started. I ordered Domino's pizza for lunch/dinner knowing that if I cleaned the kitchen, I would not want to cook and make more messes. 

    Carly got here around 10 am and left around 2:30 pm. She will be back today too. 

    I figured that I have had a stomach virus since Saturday causing my diarrhea. It's painful because of all the gas that is passing through is coming out violently and loud. I could not do work with the all the back and forth to the bathroom I was doing. I needed a break each time I visited the bathroom to recover. It was exhausting.

    We got some Chewy boxes delivered yesterday. The training collar I bought for Bubb was inside one of the boxes. In another box was his calming treats. Caleb tried both on him yesterday. He was responsive to the collar. I'm not sure how much the calming supplement helped. It may take time to get into his system.

    I spoke to my mom a couple times yesterday. I chatted with Sherri on Facebook messenger last night too. I agreed to make plans to go over there and visit them in the New Year once things calmed down. 

    I emailed the guys at the bank I am refinancing with to find out if there was any way they could write a contract to include the work that needs to be done rolled into the cash out, since I do not have any cash available to pay for services needed to close. It looks like that could be a real game changer for me, and it might actually work! I need the laundry room ceiling repaired, the half-bathroom ceiling repaired, and the kitchen ceiling repaired from the popcorn ceiling that is falling apart. I need the laundry room floor replaced. I have at least 2 bedroom doors that need to be replaced. The door frames have to be painted again. There are places on the outside of the house that need to be painted again. I have that giant hole in the hallway wall from where Caleb had a fit and kicked it in. I have a few smaller places in the guest room that need to be fixed. Caleb needs to replace the central air conditioner's filter and vent. Some of the electrical outlets are missing faces as well as some of the light switch plates. So, it's a lot of work that I can't do myself. 

    I finally got the ring security plan this morning. I was on a trial basis for 30 days.

    Christinia and I had a short conversation yesterday that didn't sit well with me. I feel like I'm only her friend when she needs something like money to pay her phone bill, and all other times it's like I should just go fuck myself. So, I'm done. I am not going to message her from now on. When she needs her phone bill paid again, it won't be paid by me. She never even said anything about the Christmas presents I mailed her. I was so excited for her to open the damned things. Fuck it! I won't waste my time, energy, or money in the future. Here I am, my dad died who I spoke to multiple times a day and multiple times a night, and she can't see that I need a friend to chat with now that I have no one. I need healthy friends. She is not one of them.

    I have fallen behind in my classes. I have to make up for classes missed in my Reiki Masters Next Steps training, the Revelation Breathwork Facilitator training, and the Prosperous Healer seminars. I also have more training coming up to confront my C-PTSD and trauma this year. I have an 800Hr Yoga Therapy class that I paid for too. I will not be returning to Capella for the Master's Degree program I was taking. It causes me too much stress and takes all of my time to do the work. I am still doing the mentorship with Jana Carrey and will decide our future together in January 2023. 

    I have not made my first sale in my Reiki business yet. I think I need to be more present with that and make some videos to explain what a distance healing session is and why it works. 

    I am trying to get focused on what I need to do right now to catch up on the things I am currently in because new things are coming up. 

    I am still focused on the refinance process and all the work that is going to take. I am still focused on what I need to do to create dad's estate in order to handle his accounts for him. I am waiting for his death certificates so I can apply to the VA for death benefits, and also to Social Security too. 

    I have titrated down from 6mg nicotine in my e-cigarette to 3mg nicotine. I think I am on my last bottle of e-juice. 

    I obviously have not been on my diet lately. I will return to keto after New Year's Day. New Year's Eve is Caleb's birthday! He already got his bike for his birthday present. He wants a German chocolate cake for his birthday. 

    I can't wait for my house to be clean and organized the way I want it. The shed needs to be organized so we can move things from the living room to the shed. I really want to start walking again on my incline trainer. I need to see if I have the diabetic walking shoes in my closet with the custom insoles and lift. 

    It is now 0535. I have been awake for a couple of hours now at least. I am so disconnected from everything I had going on before my dad died. It is going to be hard to get back on track. I am making an effort to take one day at a time. I was hoping to teach Reiki level 1 to 5 people in person before the deadline. I don't remember when the deadline is, so I better figure it out and get moving on that. 

    I also have to make time to figure out how we are going to do Caleb's classes. I bought a new curriculum for him that allows him to learn through a computer program online. It is hosted by IXL and includes math, language arts, science, history, and Spanish classes. I want to sit down with him to get him tested first to place him the classes he needs at the current level he is at. I need things to settle down. There is just so much going on at one time. Once I can get plans on paper, I should be ok. This is my starting point. This journal is helping me get my thoughts down so I can refer to what I should be trying to work on in the near future, and not lose sight what is coming up. 

    Dona Sharon is having a hard time without my dad too. I hope her being here is better than her being at the Motel 6. If nothing else, at least she is not surrounded by bugs. 

    I have to find out who did my bathroom ceiling. I forgot the company's name, but they did a good job before and I trust them to do a good job again. I have to check my records for the company's name. 

    I guess I need to print this out to reference later in the day. I am not always this sharp about what's going on. There is just too much to remember.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

Christmas is Over Day 1

     Christmas is over. The turkey was not thawed out in time to make Christmas dinner on Christmas day, so we made it on the Christmas day (observed). I injected the turkey with my new meat injector for the first time. I injected butter into the turkey. Dona Sharon made stuffing, cranberry sauce, and sweet potatoes as sides. 

    We went to Lumberton to help Dona Sharon move on Thursday. We arrived too late to move anything and I was tired when we arrived. Before we left the house, Carly and Jessica came over to help clean for a few hours so we left the house later than I expected. I picked up 2 rotisserie chickens and sides from Lowe's Foods for dinner on the way to Lumberton. We did not get any work done on Thursday because it was already dark by the time we arrived. 

    We worked all day Friday and had to stay another day due to needing to wait for a grocery delivery from Walmart from  3-4pm. The groceries did not actually arrive until 9pm. We worked all day to go through dad and Dona Sharon's belongings to make sure the important stuff was taken with her in the Ford Expedition. There was a bad cockroach infestation that originated from the room next to theirs.We had to give give away a lot of canned food because there was not enough room in the truck to pack everything. After several rounds of working for an hour or so and taking breaks we were making real progress. Dad's clothes were left to be donated to the homeless. The canned food was donated to a Brandy, a pregnant woman who works at the Motel 6 who use to drive my dad places. We gave her boyfriend the computer that I wiped clean and shipped to Dona Sharon. Most of what was packed was laundry baskets of clothing, hygiene items, medications, and paperwork. Alot of trash was removed from the room in an effort to not leave it totally destroyed from going through all  the stuff.   

    We left the Motel 6 on Saturday morning and arrived at home that afternoon. I was tired when we got home. It was below freezing all day long. Saturday was Christmas Eve. I went out to Lowe's Foods to buy salad fixins and a rotisserie chicken for dinner. Ever since I ate the salad I made I have had violent diarrhea of undigested food. 

    We brought the turkey in on Sunday, Christmas Day. It was still frozen. Caleb opened his presents from our Soldiers' Angels sponsor. He got a remote control boat and a remote control land rover. Out of the blue, someone brought another gift to the house. It was a large remote control humvee! 

    I went out on Monday to buy gallons of water and tea. I bought some donuts too. I came home and started making the turkey. We had a delicious meal!

    Tuesday morning I got the email that had the VA appraisal information in it. I need to fix some things on the house before I can move forward. I contacted Stacey to see if she could do the work. She was sick and told me she would get back to me today, Wednesday. I went through all my accounts to see how I might be able to manage the cost of repairs. I updated my spreadsheets and spent all morning on my computer trying to figure things out. I don't know if I want to do a refinance anymore. I really don't want to do the work that is required to proceed. It's not only going to be expensive to remove the popcorn ceiling in the laundry room and half-bathroom, but I also have to remove and replace the flooring in the laundry room. That means I have to take everything out of the laundry room first. What a pain in my ass!

    I was supposed to take a rest day yesterday and spend the day in bed. I fell in the parking lot of the Motel 6 while trying to load the Mazda with my things and Bubba on a leash. He kept pulling and I slowly lost my balance trying to keep him from pulling. I fell to my knees in the parking while trying to control him. I lost my grip of the leash and Bubba ran off. I yelled for Caleb several times so he could get Bubba. I struggled to get back up. Anyway it drained me doing all the work I did. 

    I need a shower. I haven't taken one since Thursday. The kitchen is a mess again from all the cooking. I still have boxes and trash on the front porch and trash and clothes that have been dragged out to the backyard by Bubba. Wednesday before we left for Lumberton, Caleb and Bubba went on the front porch to catch a rat. Bubba caught the rat, but not without getting bitten on the ear. He was bleeding everywhere. Caleb destroyed my bedroom looking for the StopBleed, so now it needs to be cleaned. I still have a mountain of laundry to do waiting for me in the laundry room. It just never ends!

    I called the funeral home to inquire about my dad's death certificates. They received them and put them in the mail yesterday. I am still waiting for my dad's flag.

    I contacted the VA women's clinic nurse about my Virta renewal. I guess the VA wants labs done first. 

    I shared my dad's gofundme link again in the hopes that people would share it. I haven't reached my goal yet that would cover his final expenses.

    https://gofund.me/94b9bbab 

    Caleb is awake because I woke him up to get the Diet Mountain Dew out of the Mazda. I got paid this morning, so I spent the morning paying my bills. I haven't taken my medications and supplements yet. 

    I don't know what I will end up doing today, but first I need to take my meds and then give Caleb his meds. 

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

Holidays Approaching Day 4

     It is now 0556 and I have taken my meds and supplements. I am listening to Jana Carrey's audio "Cosmic Mother Returns Workshop." Yesterday was not a productive day for me. I did no work at all. I was just so tired. I stayed in bed for most of the day. I only got up for the termite inspection, the plumbers coming over, and to go out to Lowe's Foods for a rotisserie chicken and a salad from the salad bar. I was just exhausted and worn out. 

    I did go check up on dad's memorial page and spent some time crying over old photos before my appointment with Jana Carrey. I miss my dad. 

    The appointment was awesome. It always is. I'm so glad that I was able to get into her mentorship program when I did. I was able to process some things about my dad's passing with her. I felt so better when we were done. I felt a lot lighter. My chest did not have so much pressure in it. My shoulders could go back without effort. I feel like I can take a shower today. Yesterday I just couldn't. 

    I received most of my Torrid clothes order yesterday. I am excited to wear them today after my shower. I bought bras and leggings mostly. I need bras to be able to walk on the incline trainer. I don't need to fight my breasts when I walk to exercise. I needed more leggings too because I will be changing clothes more frequently. I am still so far behind in washing clothes. I can't speed up washing clothes so...

    Today is the Winter Solstice. It's the shortest day of the year. 

    We go to Lumberton tomorrow morning. Caleb has to unload the Mazda of all the drinks still in there. We are going to help Dona Sharon move to my house. She will spend the holidays with us. I will ask for her help in collecting my dad's stories and writing his obituary while she is here. I will also eventually get dad's death certificate and have to call about his accounts. 

    The house is mostly clean. Caleb was taking apart his bike in the living room to pull missing parts needed for the new bike from the old bike.

    We discussed getting a turkey to cook. I am waiting until we get back home to buy one. I still have to clean the kitchen. 

    I'm just listening to the audio. There is so much information in her workshops. 

    I haven't been keeping up with my Reiki business. I had to miss classes and I have to find time to catch up. I missed both Reiki Next Steps class and also the Prosperous Healer and Revelation Breathwork. I just couldn't manage everything with all the additional responsibility on my shoulders and grieving on top of that. I feel like it's time to get back to life. It's time for me to focus on my life, and not my dad's death. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish. I still need 5 people to train to Reiki level 1 in person to meet the requirements for learning how to attune virtually. I think I have Caleb, Ashley, Carly, and Dona Sharon for sure. I'm waiting to see what Jessica says. She wanted to research what Reiki is before giving me an answer. 

    I really haven't been meditating lately. I haven't been getting out of bed at 0200 like I use to. I've been staying in bed with snacks and drinks by the bed for when I wake up. I need to stop eating in the middle of the night. One step at a time. I was in that space before, and I can be in that space again. 

    I have been doing ok on my diet. I have not fallen into the pizza delivery trap again. I feel like I am not only caring for myself for myself, but also for Caleb, and honoring my dad in the process. It has more significance for me now to eat healthy and be on my diet. It makes it easier to make better choices now. My ketones were at 0.4 last night. I need them to be at 0.5 to be in ketosis. 

   The dark seasons are hard for me anyway. I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is just a sort of dark season depression. It makes it harder to make my own food, which is required for this diet. The holidays bring huge meals and celebrations on top of that. I don't normally cook the traditional meals that Dona Sharon use to cook for us. I have no need to cook so much food for Caleb and myself. However, the sweets are everywhere, and hard to say no to. Temptation is everywhere. My lack of energy drives me to order delivered foods which are usually high in carbohydrates. I gain so much weight in the dark seasons. I don't go out as often. I stay at home because it gets dark sooner and I can't drive in the dark safely. 

    I feel better today than I did yesterday. I woke up with fibromyalgia pain everywhere yesterday. When my medications and supplements began to work, I felt no more pains, but all of a sudden was relieved enough to rest. All I wanted to do was rest in bed. 

    Fibromyalgia affects me during periods of stress quite frequently. My nervous system is hyperactive. Thus the pain that has "no cause." It's emotion-based. 

    Caleb has his psychiatrist and therapy appointments this afternoon. He is doing ok from what I can tell. He doesn't need medication adjustments like I thought he might need. 

    I have to shower, wash up. I have to pack for tomorrow, but I can't pack until tomorrow because I need my medications and supplements out up until I leave. 

    I kind of wanted to go to the 2300 service at the Oceanview United Methodist Church on Christmas Eve. I am not sure I will be awake.

    I know we missed the Christmas parade this year. I don't know if we missed the hot chocolate and Christmas carols at the park.

    I never sent some Christmas cards that I meant to send. I don't even know if I know who to send cards at this point. I sent so many out already. 

    I had to block somebody who was posing as a white man on Instagram. He tried to make excuses to not have a video call so I could see and hear him, and that's a red flag of the biggest size. 

    I had issues with Speedy Plumbing on Friday. A plumber came over and left without doing any work. His diagnoses was wrong that he reported to American Home Shield. I'm so glad I could just call Jon's Plumbing Co. from Southport. They came on the same day and fixed all our problems. We had to replace the flapper in one of the toilets. There was grease buildup in one of the pipes leading to the sewer system. That is what was causing the toilets to not drain. I don't know how you can call yourself a plumber and not care that people don't have working toilets in the house. Both our toilets were backed up.

    My dual red/white rose bushes are blooming only white roses like they know about dad's passing.

    I just woke Caleb up so he can let the dogs out. I'm only halfway through the workshop. Bubba wants to go outside.

    It's nice and cold today, but I hope the sun comes out. I can't wait to try on my new leggings. I've been wearing shorts because my leggings are in the dirty clothes right now. Maybe I can get the laundry started. That would be a good move. If I could get the kitchen cleaned before tomorrow, that would be awesome too. 

    I've been talking to my mom every day. She has been really supportive during this process. 

    The workshop is over now. Caleb toasted a keto bagel for my breakfast. I feel like spending more time in bed, but I need to take a shower. I'm going to sort through the box of new clothes and pick something new to wear today. 

    Caleb caught a bluebird from the porch and set it free in the backyard. 

    It's going to be a busy day today if I can get moving and stay moving. 

    Have blessed day, and thank you for reading! 

    

      

Holidays Approaching Day 3

     It is now 0533 and I have been awake for a few minutes. I just took my morning medications and supplements. I could not wait to get them down because I am in a lot of pain.My whole body hurts. I just want to go back to bed because of it. 

    Yesterday we had the appraisal. I won't hear back from them directly as they have to report directly to the VA. Today we have the termite inspection. Hopefully we will get good news on both fronts. 

    I managed to wash a lot of dishes yesterday morning. The house was not as clean as I wanted it to be before the appraisal team go here,   but I did what I could. I did not get all of the dishes washed, but I got most of them clean. I was so tired around lunchtime. I went to take a nap, but did not sleep much. I got up only to go lie back down. 

    I need a shower. I found a new toothbrush yesterday and was able to brush my teeth. I bought mouth rinse and toothpaste at Walmart the other day. 

    I thanked God today for bringing my dad home to him/her.

    I've been doing ok on my diet. My ketones aren't up yet. I need to stop eating in the middle of the night. 

    I spoke to Dona Sharon yesterday. We made plans for us to go to Lumberton to help her move.

    I paid some bills yesterday. I went out and paid the water bill. While I was at the Town Hall, I stopped in the police department and spoke to the lady working at the desk. I told her, "There is a severe shortage of holiday spirit... Merry Christmas! That is all!" LOL

    I'm so tired. Bella just woke up and walked to me. 

    I have my appointment with Jana Carrey today. Tomorrow Caleb has his appointment with his psychiatrist. Thursday we will go to Lumberton in the morning and spend the day loading the truck and sorting through things for Dona Sharon. Friday morning will drive back home. 

    I've got to get this kitchen clean so I can cook dinner. I have some pots and pans that need to be washed still. Then I have to clean the countertops and stovetop. 

    I am waiting for my air purifiers and grounding sheets to arrive. I need those leggings and bras I bought too. 

    Caleb is happy with his new bike.

    Bubba is learning to sit on command. 

    I've got a ton of laundry to wash. I never got around to breaking down the boxes on the porch.

    I just checked on my website. I don't know why no one has emailed me nor scheduled with me. 

    I am going to have a level 1 Reiki class in person at my home. I think I have my 5 trainees. 

    I was telling Christinia that the duality of grieving and the holiday spirit is hard. 

    I'm feeling better now. My medications and supplements are working. 

    Caleb and Bubba just woke up. 

    I'm going to get my day started. I'm still tired. I could stay in bed all day, but I'm going to fight it. I'm going to take a shower and change my clothes. I'm going to invest in some self-care time. I hope to be productful today. I've got a lot to get done. 

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

Holidays Approaching Day 2

     The VA appraisal is done. I don't know what will come of it. I'm hoping for the best. I got a bunch of dishes washed. I have a simmer pot on the stove. I'm tired now. I've been up since 0630 or something like that. Caleb and I have been working on the house in preparation for the inspection. It did not get as clean as I wanted it, but we made it better than it was. I paid my bills  as I got paid today. In today, out today. That's how my money flows. Everything I have goes to bills. I barely have money for groceries and gas. 

    I was able to touch base with Dona Sharon this morning. She is trying to make her way over here, but she needs help to find her shoes. I can't even drive over there again. It's not even a possibility. I'm exhausted from everything going on. My dad's burial is what got me the most. I've been without energy for days since I got the news. I'm surprised I could clean anything this morning. I really did not want to get out of bed. I've got groceries to put away from yesterday. I have to run out and pay the water bill today too. I've got a ton of laundry that needs to be washed. I still have pots to clean and silverware to pre-wash. I 've got to deep clean the kitchen. I need a shower. I haven't even brushed my hair yet today. I need to brush my teeth. I bought toothpaste and rinse yesterday. I have to find them before they get lost. 

    I reached out to my brother and step-siblings and let them know that I am struggling to buy groceries without the cost of dad's burial. Now I am in even more debt than before because we did not raise enough money to cover all the costs associated with his burial. No one responded to my message. 

     I want to make something with the ground beef. I was thinking of making a cabbage soup again. That stuff was good!

    I don't have any more appointments today. I made the termite inspection appointment this morning for tomorrow morning. That should be the last of the requirements needed from me to close on the refinance of the house.

    I wish my dad was here. 

    The holidays are just around the corner. If Dona Sharon doesn't make it out here, it will just be me, Caleb, and the dogs. I am not planning a huge meal. I will make something simple that is according to my keto diet, with a side of carbs for Caleb. 

    I chatted with my mom this morning. I thanked her for the collagen she sent me for Christmas. I haven't tried it yet. It looks like it might be good. 

    I already took my meds and supplements. Caleb already took his meds. The dogs have been let outside. I just have to brush my hair and brush my teeth before I go to pay the water bill. I'm trying to think if there was anything else I needed to do while I'm out. I can't think of anything right now. We did big grocery shopping yesterday at Walmart. 

    I bought a rotisserie chicken and made myself a salad from the salad bar from Lowe's Foods for lunch yesterday. It was delicious. The chicken was tender and juicy. 

    I mailed Cousin Sandra's box out yesterday via UPS.

    I made sure to put gas in the Mazda yesterday while we were out.

    It's nice and cold in here today. It's too cold for Caleb, but not for me. I've got myself some blubber! LOL

    I can't think of anything more to say. I miss my dad. He always had something to talk about.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

Holidays Approaching Day 1

     I miss my dad. I miss talking to him all the time. I have no one to talk to now. I know I can talk to him anywhere I go, but not hearing his responses is hard. It's been a week and 2 days since my dad died. I'm holding up. The soldier part of me knows to go hard and carry on, but that's not what I want. I want to express my pain as it occurs. I don't want to hold it in for later processing. I have friends praying and sending us Reiki. I did a primal yell when I first got the news from the nurse at the hospital. I let it out. I cried. I gave and received hugs and love to the living. I hugged my dad 1 last time. I told him that I was sorry for not being able to save him. I created the GoFundMe page and later I created the ForeverMissed memorial page. I created his shadowbox for him based on what I know and what is on his DD214. I cared for his lifeless body, and sent it home to Ft. Bragg to rest. My dad is missed. He cannot be replaced. 

    I knew he would die one day, but we didn't know if I would die before him. We made plans. I told him I would pay to take him out to Rioz Brazilian Steakhouse in Myrtle Beach in January to celebrate the holidays and Caleb's 14th birthday. I just saw him the week before he died. I had to replace my CPAP at the Fayetteville VA hospital and I stayed with him at the Motel 6 where he lived. He got to see Caleb, Bella, and Bubba. We binged and splurged because we were together. We had IHOP breakfast one morning. We had Waffle House another morning. I made sure to take pictures before we left to come back home. I did not realize that would be the last time I would see him alive. I always tried to act as if either of us could die any day though. That's why I took pictures every time we went to visit. 

    I miss my dad. He always made me laugh. It's hard living without him. He could talk for hours. I finally taught him to listen to what I had to say. He was improving. I was going to train both my dad and Dona Sharon Reiki level 1 while I was there, but I got worn out and could not teach them at that time. I was exhausted. I can't travel anymore. It drains the life out of me. 

    I wanted my dad to go on a cruise to Alaska with us. I looked into a package my friend, Shiela Farr, put together to see if we could go when she is going next year. It was too expensive, so I had to decline the offer.

    My dad wanted to take me on a cruise. He wanted to take us to Brazil. He wanted to go on a trip to Washington, D.C. again with Caleb. He wanted me to pursue my graduate degree and doctoral degree. He was in bad shape though. He has been in the emergency room quite a few times recently because he passed out and fell down. 

    I know he wants me to "take care of business" now. He wants me to push Caleb to be successful. He had plans for Caleb. He wanted to see Caleb graduate from Basic Training, A.I.T., and Airborne school. He wanted Caleb to get a free college education. 

    I hate that my dad died. It doesn't seem fair. I should have had him longer. I miss my dad so much. 

    I don't follow a single religion. I believe that energy is neither created, nor destroyed. I believe our souls are forever. This is helping me with his death. My dad is now 1 of the ancestors supporting me through life from beyond the veil. 

    I couldn't afford an additional session with Jana Carrey last week because I paid for my dad's burial which was over $4,000.00. I had to use my credit cards to make the payments. I got support from people via the GoFundMe page, but it only covered about half of the total cost.

    My dad was my battle buddy for life. I keep him in my heart. I bought Airborne, Special Forces, and Ranger patches to decorate my backpack in his honor. He taught Portuguese to Special Forces soldiers. He was an Airborne soldier and he believed in having "the Ranger attitude."   

    He wanted everyone to know that he was the son of a Brazilian maid, unloved by his biological father. He came to the United States as a teenager and made a life for himself here. He enlisted in U.S. Army and served for 9 years. He only separated to care for Mathew and me. He had orders for a second hardship duty tour of Korea and couldn't just leave us by ourselves.

    He would have given 20+ years to the Army if not for having sole custody of us kids. We both served in Korea and would talk about it together. 

    My dad was a good man who had flaws and made mistakes. 

    The holidays are approaching and I know it hits Dona Sharon harder than anyone else. I'm trying to stay in communication with her, but she sleeps during the day when I am awake. I don't know if she is planning to come over here or just wait for her son, Brian. Her mental health would benefit from leaving that room they shared together, and where my dad, her significant other of 27 years, died. 

     I'm preparing for the VA appraisal that happens tomorrow. I have to prioritize what needs to be done because we only have today left, and we will have no helpers today. 

    I have to make a keto meal today because I ate all of the chuck roast leftovers for yesterday's dinner. I'm thinking it will be a keto meatloaf to use all that ground beef I bought. 

    I need to run to Walmart for some things, and Lowe's Foods. Maybe I will run into people I know there. I asked my mom to call me after she gets back home from church today. She has been checking up on me since dad died. She is the only person who has called on a regular basis to check on me. 

    I've got to do my morning routines. I have to brush my hair and find a new toothbrush and toothpaste. I've already taken my medications and supplements. Thank God today it is sunny this morning. It was harder yesterday with it being so dark and gloomy outside. I might actually be able to function today. 

    I've got to focus on what I need to get done today. I have a pile of pans that need to be washed and a large pile of laundry that needs to be washed. The hallway needs to be vacuumed. My room needs to be vacuumed too. The living room needs to be shop vac'd because dog kibble fell out of the bag onto the floor. I am going to buy a new mop at Walmart to mop the kitchen floor. I should get going, but I kind of just want to sit and type my thoughts.

    I'm doing good with not ordering delivery foods so far. I have to break down the boxes on the porch for Jonathan to pick them up today. I have to find where the contractor bags went to use them for the boxes. 

    Yeah. Lots of stuff to get done today. No more procrastinating!

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

Death in the Family Day 4

 Dad is on his way to be buried now.

2 days ago

I am not in control of my body right now. I’m resting on my bed trying to relax, but I’m shaking all over. I’m exhausted on top of everything. It’s a hard day today because my dad is being laid to rest in his final resting place. It was scheduled as an immediate burial and there was no funeral. I miss my dad deeply. The stress of losing him is showing in these nano movements in my body that I have no control over. I can’t drive like this. I’m going to have to stay home until I am better. The dogs are scheduled to have their nails trimmed today, but I can’t drive like this. My mental state is calm. My body can’t take any more stress or work today. Pray for me please.

2 days ago

Where dad is going to rest “Forever In Peace”

2 days ago

I miss you dad. They buried your body today, but I know your spirit is with me always. I take comfort in knowing energy is neither created nor destroyed. Spirit lives forever. I’ve worked hard for you dad. I have more work ahead of me. I need to remember to rest as needed. This isn’t easy to do.

1 day ago

RIP dad in Heaven Dec 9, 2022

1 day ago

I feel like I tried to armor myself like the first Lensa AI picture. I’m overwhelmed now, but I want to be more like the second Lensa AI picture and in tune to my needs, and not just everyone else’s needs. I matter too.

1 day ago

1 day ago

I’m in between jobs, taking a break and want to call my dad to talk.

1 day ago

I miss calling my dad all the time. We are both disabled veterans who have no one to talk to because everybody is at work.

1 day ago

Still trying to make this goal

https://gofund.me/9bcfb54c

1 day ago

7 hours ago

7 hours ago

I bought some new clothes on clearance to stock up. I need to be able to change my clothes more often because my life is going to change. I’m going to start exercising daily on the incline trainer. All this nervous energy has to go somewhere.

5 hours ago

4 hours ago

I’m fighting depression normally but with my dad’s passing away, I am having to fight harder. I am so tired today that I spent most of the day in bed already. Pray for me please.

1 hour ago

Thank God for my mom, Marie Edmonds, because she knows how to keep me light-spirited. I wish she could retire and spend all her free time talking to me.

1 hour ago

Hee hee hee. First woman in the family to serve US Army too!

 

Yes and yes

1 hour ago

I am peaceful today, like this picture.

1 hour ago

END OF FACEBOOK POSTS

    

    I am so tired today. I have gotten nothing done that I needed to do. I needed to wash dishes and laundry. I need Caleb to clean out the kitchen trash can. I needed to go to Walmart to restock my sugar-free sweet tea. I need a new mop. I wanted to go to Lowe's Foods for some bell peppers. I need to get things mailed out at UPS. I need to break down the boxes on my porch for Jonathan to be able to haul them away tomorrow. I need to find the contractor bags. Caleb needs to pick up the poop in the laundry room. Caleb needs to clean up the backyard and put things where they belong. The kitchen needs to be cleaned top to bottom. Groceries need to put away.I'm just too tired to do anything. i spent most of the day in the bed sleeping. I'm exhausted. I've managed to get through the week. There was just so much going on that I am in charge of. I wish I had a life partner to support the family during this time. The neighbors have been checking in on us. Chris helped by taking a truck load of our trash to the dump. Jonathan has been around twice already to take trash away. Ashley has been cleaning and asked her friends to help during the time she couldn't be here. The house looks so much better than it did. I'm going to need a lot of support for awhile. I am fighting depression symptoms. 

    I have my VA appraisal on Monday morning. Caleb and I are going to work tomorrow to get as much as we can done. Most of the heavy cleaning has already been done. Carly and Jessica got the hallway carpet shampooed yesterday and cleaned the bathrooms for us. 

    I am too tired to do much of anything today. Just way too tired. Caffeine is not helping me today. It's deeper than that.  

    I am trying to remember that Christmas is next week. Caleb's 14th birthday is after that, on New Year's Eve. He already received his big gift of a brand new bike for his birthday. 

    I miss talking to my dad all throughout the day and all throughout the night. I think about him often. He is finally free from the shackles of this world.

    I did manage to brush my hair this morning. I changed out my nose stud for the snowflake one too. I haven't found my dental kit that I travelled with yet. I know it is around here somewhere. I need to brush my teeth badly. They are so stained from all the tea I drink daily. I need another shower, but I don't know where all my clean clothes are. I need to find my far-infrared compression tank top. I know I just bought 2 more recently. Stuff gets in the house and disappears all the time because Caleb is not putting things where they belong. 

    Ashley cleaned Caleb's room for him. We can see the floor now! I am going to hire her and her friends to clean on a regular basis. It will greatly reduce the stress I feel on a regular basis as I try to do everything by myself, but I am disabled. 

    I am trying to keep it together right now. If I wasn't on medications already, I would be in a lot more trouble. My spirit feels at peace. My emotions are not all over the place. I am not crying uncontrollably. I am not lashing out at my loved ones. 

    I am trying to get Dona Sharon to move in temporarily for the holidays so she is not in that room they shared, and where my dad died, for the holidays. She is having trouble getting packed. I asked her to ask for help around her, even if she needed topay someone because I am not in good shape to drive back out there. I was shaking uncontrollably on Thursday. I just need to be at home. I am the most affected by my dad's death, second to only Dona Sharon. They were together for 27 years. She tried to save his life. She is traumatized by seeing him turn blue from lack of oxygen, and witnessing him stop breathing. I feel so much for her for having to go through that. I do not know if she is seeking help. That is a different level of grieving. 

    Part of me is able to rest knowing that my dad feels no more pain and will never have another heart attack or surgery. I feel ok knowing that I spent as much time as I could with him. I spent hours a day talking to him on the phone. I visited as much as I could manage. We were very much a part of each other's daily lives, and that what makes it hard without him now. 

    I knew he would eventually pass away. I never imagined it would happen so soon. I know my dad doesn't want me to feel badly. I know he doesn't want me to be depressed. He helped me fight depression many times before. He doesn't want me to feel guilty for anything. We shared a lot of good times together. I told him I love him. He told me he loves me and Caleb. He loved Bella and Bubba too. He was always asking about them. He was impressed by both of their personalities and disposition. He did not die thinking I did not love him. 

    I reached out for help immediately. I knew it would be a hard pill to swallow. I already have mental health problems without anybody I love dying. 

    In his honor, I am going to get healthy again. I have already started eating according to my Virta Keto diet again with no cheating. I purchased a new exercise machine that should be fun and interesting to use. It is a vibrating plate that I will stand on. It will help develop strength and balance, and all I have to do is stand on it while it is on. I bought new clothes to workout in. I will begin walking on the incline trainer as soon as we can move all this clutter into the shed. I already talked to Ashley about her helping us organize the shed so it will be done sooner than later. I am taking control of my body's health in every way I can manage. I am taking more new herbal supplements to help with depression since I am already on the highest dose of my anti-depressants. I am taking supplements to help me burn belly fat and control my cravings and hunger. I am drinking lots of water and trying to turn down the amount of Diet Mountain Dew I am drinking. I am going to quit vaping here soon. I need to find my nicotine patches to help me come down slowly instead of just giving it up cold turkey. 

    I normally do Reiki on myself every day, but I have fallen asleep too quickly this week from exhaustion to do it. I do have a lot of support from my classmates who are sending me Reiki daily. I had Revelation Breathwork class today and tomorrow. I was exhausted and was not functioning, so I missed today's class. I will watch the replay once it is available. 

    I have a lot of distant support from people I interact with on a regular basis. I bought more flower essences to help me quit vaping from Jana Carrey. They are helping me to stay relatively calm during this stressful time. I highly recommend them. 

    I started taking more Adrenal focused supplements to help my body deal with stress. My mind seems to be ok. My mind knows better. There are a lot of traumas and emotions stuck in my body that keep me from physically being ok. My nervous system overreacts as a symptom of PTSD, fibromyalgia, and having seizures. I was working on healing them before my dad died, and will return to healing when my time frees up. There is just so much to do. I had a lot in the plans to do before my dad died. His death just added more work to my already full schedule. 

    RJ and Jeanette both responded to my text messages. I am grateful for that. My mom has been calling me to check up on me. I am grateful for that. I have been trying to stay busy to get things done. I guess I pushed too hard.

    My dad was buried Thursday. He made it to his final resting place. God bless him. His headstone won't be received for up to 6 months. 

    Christmas is next week. I will likely make an altar for my dad. Hopefully Dona Sharon will be here before then. I think she slept all day because she was up all night. I haven't really talked to her in a couple of days. 

    I still have to write up my dad's life story and obituary. 

    I'm trying to prepare for this VA appraisal though. It's a lot of work. Caleb is doing ok because he is staying busy like me. I have an appointment with Jana Carrey on Tuesday.

    I am just holding on today. I am very tired. I will likely go to bed early. I just have to take my numbers, eat dinner, and take my medications and supplements. I gained a lot of weight. I'm now only 15lbs from my starting point. I think some of it is water weight because I'm on my period. We shall find out. I am taking a break from school for another semester. I don't think I have any reason to return but I don't want to make that decision right now. 

    I am waiting for my dad's death certificate in the mail. I then have to schedule an appointment at the courthouse to establish an estate for my dad to be able to handle his accounts. Thankfully I don't think he had many accounts. I had to tell the VA transportation that he died the other day. I also had to tell another part of VA of his passing because they called his phone looking for him.

    I tried reaching Jose, but he has not responded to my messages. Jose was a good friend of my dad. He will be very sad of the news. 

    It's time for me to have dinner. 

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!