I miss my dad. I miss talking to him all the time. I have no one to talk to now. I know I can talk to him anywhere I go, but not hearing his responses is hard. It's been a week and 2 days since my dad died. I'm holding up. The soldier part of me knows to go hard and carry on, but that's not what I want. I want to express my pain as it occurs. I don't want to hold it in for later processing. I have friends praying and sending us Reiki. I did a primal yell when I first got the news from the nurse at the hospital. I let it out. I cried. I gave and received hugs and love to the living. I hugged my dad 1 last time. I told him that I was sorry for not being able to save him. I created the GoFundMe page and later I created the ForeverMissed memorial page. I created his shadowbox for him based on what I know and what is on his DD214. I cared for his lifeless body, and sent it home to Ft. Bragg to rest. My dad is missed. He cannot be replaced.
I knew he would die one day, but we didn't know if I would die before him. We made plans. I told him I would pay to take him out to Rioz Brazilian Steakhouse in Myrtle Beach in January to celebrate the holidays and Caleb's 14th birthday. I just saw him the week before he died. I had to replace my CPAP at the Fayetteville VA hospital and I stayed with him at the Motel 6 where he lived. He got to see Caleb, Bella, and Bubba. We binged and splurged because we were together. We had IHOP breakfast one morning. We had Waffle House another morning. I made sure to take pictures before we left to come back home. I did not realize that would be the last time I would see him alive. I always tried to act as if either of us could die any day though. That's why I took pictures every time we went to visit.
I miss my dad. He always made me laugh. It's hard living without him. He could talk for hours. I finally taught him to listen to what I had to say. He was improving. I was going to train both my dad and Dona Sharon Reiki level 1 while I was there, but I got worn out and could not teach them at that time. I was exhausted. I can't travel anymore. It drains the life out of me.
I wanted my dad to go on a cruise to Alaska with us. I looked into a package my friend, Shiela Farr, put together to see if we could go when she is going next year. It was too expensive, so I had to decline the offer.
My dad wanted to take me on a cruise. He wanted to take us to Brazil. He wanted to go on a trip to Washington, D.C. again with Caleb. He wanted me to pursue my graduate degree and doctoral degree. He was in bad shape though. He has been in the emergency room quite a few times recently because he passed out and fell down.
I know he wants me to "take care of business" now. He wants me to push Caleb to be successful. He had plans for Caleb. He wanted to see Caleb graduate from Basic Training, A.I.T., and Airborne school. He wanted Caleb to get a free college education.
I hate that my dad died. It doesn't seem fair. I should have had him longer. I miss my dad so much.
I don't follow a single religion. I believe that energy is neither created, nor destroyed. I believe our souls are forever. This is helping me with his death. My dad is now 1 of the ancestors supporting me through life from beyond the veil.
I couldn't afford an additional session with Jana Carrey last week because I paid for my dad's burial which was over $4,000.00. I had to use my credit cards to make the payments. I got support from people via the GoFundMe page, but it only covered about half of the total cost.
My dad was my battle buddy for life. I keep him in my heart. I bought Airborne, Special Forces, and Ranger patches to decorate my backpack in his honor. He taught Portuguese to Special Forces soldiers. He was an Airborne soldier and he believed in having "the Ranger attitude."
He wanted everyone to know that he was the son of a Brazilian maid, unloved by his biological father. He came to the United States as a teenager and made a life for himself here. He enlisted in U.S. Army and served for 9 years. He only separated to care for Mathew and me. He had orders for a second hardship duty tour of Korea and couldn't just leave us by ourselves.
He would have given 20+ years to the Army if not for having sole custody of us kids. We both served in Korea and would talk about it together.
My dad was a good man who had flaws and made mistakes.
The holidays are approaching and I know it hits Dona Sharon harder than anyone else. I'm trying to stay in communication with her, but she sleeps during the day when I am awake. I don't know if she is planning to come over here or just wait for her son, Brian. Her mental health would benefit from leaving that room they shared together, and where my dad, her significant other of 27 years, died.
I'm preparing for the VA appraisal that happens tomorrow. I have to prioritize what needs to be done because we only have today left, and we will have no helpers today.
I have to make a keto meal today because I ate all of the chuck roast leftovers for yesterday's dinner. I'm thinking it will be a keto meatloaf to use all that ground beef I bought.
I need to run to Walmart for some things, and Lowe's Foods. Maybe I will run into people I know there. I asked my mom to call me after she gets back home from church today. She has been checking up on me since dad died. She is the only person who has called on a regular basis to check on me.
I've got to do my morning routines. I have to brush my hair and find a new toothbrush and toothpaste. I've already taken my medications and supplements. Thank God today it is sunny this morning. It was harder yesterday with it being so dark and gloomy outside. I might actually be able to function today.
I've got to focus on what I need to get done today. I have a pile of pans that need to be washed and a large pile of laundry that needs to be washed. The hallway needs to be vacuumed. My room needs to be vacuumed too. The living room needs to be shop vac'd because dog kibble fell out of the bag onto the floor. I am going to buy a new mop at Walmart to mop the kitchen floor. I should get going, but I kind of just want to sit and type my thoughts.
I'm doing good with not ordering delivery foods so far. I have to break down the boxes on the porch for Jonathan to pick them up today. I have to find where the contractor bags went to use them for the boxes.
Yeah. Lots of stuff to get done today. No more procrastinating!
Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!
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