Today's prompt is "What's the most embarrassing purchase on a recent credit card statement?" Probably my e-juice purchase because it is by a company called "Broke Dick."
So it is 1:58 am here. I woke up yesterday morning and Caleb was not home. He left again without permission while I was sleeping. I was not happy. It's so dangerous for him to be doing that.
We didn't do much yesterday. I was extremely tired. It was hot in the house even though the air conditioner was on. I hate that. I wanted to spend the day cleaning up, but I did no cleaning yesterday.
I did play on the kindle for the first time ever! I was able to find some beginner Quantum Physics books to read for free! Awesome. I did not like the first one I choose to read. I stopped trying to read it. I do like the second one I choose to read to read. It is titles something like "Quantum Physics for hippies." I think I will be able to finish this one. It's a lot easier to read than the first one.
Nichole had Mathew and me on a group video chat yesterday! It was so good to see my brother! He is still deployed. He wanted to talk to me about my recent diet choices, my health, and also wanted to talk to Caleb about his behavior. He is a good influence on both of us. I wish I could spend more time with him, but he works a lot, and lives so far away.
Mathew talked with me about eating at Hardee's. He talked to me about what I am doing to get healthy again, and losing weight. Not once did he insult me. He never called me "fat." He was very Warrant Officer-like, which I have never seen from him before. I am proud to be his sister. I felt loved the entire time I talked with both of them. I had an emotional conversation with Nichole earlier in the day. I confessed that there are times when I do not want to exist. I explained that I live with a lot of medical problems that cause chronic pain. I can't work. I will never increase my income. Caleb drains me of everything I have, and I don't even see the use of it most days. I feel like giving up. I'm struggling to keep doing the same things day in and day out. I struggle to make changes to my lifestyle because it is so dependent on Caleb's behavior. If Caleb drains me, I can not do what I want to do. I have no energy after that.
Mathew told Caleb to stop wearing my old ACUs because he does not demonstrate the Army Values. I told Caleb that exact thing a while back, and took away all the uniforms he acquired from the guest room closet, without my permission. I printed him out an Army Values card and gave it to him. I have not reinforced the meaning of them.
Many days I struggle with Caleb just to have a peaceful and productive day. We are so different. I am a workaholic to a fault, and he is a play-o-holic. Everything to him must be enjoyable and fun all of the time. Unfortunately for him, and me, life is not that way. When he does get what he wants, he yells, gets angry, and violent. I am trying to teach him how to walk away from me when he is angry, and go to his room to calm down. I try my best not to retaliate in yelling. It's easy for me to not get violent, as I am not a violent person. I am not an angry person either. I'm a modern day warrior-hippie.
I got to chat with my Aunt Lisa yesterday too. She was checking up on me because I fell yesterday morning. I opened the front door , had my heavy purse and 4 grocery bags on my left arm, and turned to close the door so I walk to the kitchen, and upon turning, slowly fell to the floor. I tried to catch myself with my left arm, but it was full, and ended up sliding up against a folding chair, onto some boxes. I sat there because it hurt. Caleb tried to get in but I told him to not open the door because I had fallen. He did not wait. He pushed through the door to get in, "It's hot out there!" SMDH He walked over me and did not care to ask if I was ok, or if I was hurt, or even if he could help me get up. I was not happy. I did manage to get back up all by myself. I hurt my the underside of my arm. I'm expecting a big bruise to be there soon.
Bella has been having accidents in the house, so I have to figure out why that is. Poor girl. I know she is such a good girl. We must not be letting her out enough or something.
August is just around the corner. Mathew's birthday is in August. School normally starts here in August. Hurricanes normally appear around August. I'm not ready for any of these things. I tried to prepare for a hurricane, but time passes so quickly. It passes so slowly too.
It's 2:46 am here now. Caleb is asleep and the tv is quiet. Mathew was telling me that I need to sleep in the bed because sleeping on the couch isn't good for my back. He is right. I do need to move my sleeping to my bed. Change is hard. I have slept on the couch for years now. I do want Caleb to sleep in a bed. It appears that he is getting too big to sleep in the recliner comfortably. I doubt he will sleep in his own bed, but my bed is big enough for the both of us plus Bella. I want to buy her a stepping stool so she can easily get on and off the bed. It is rather high.
I recently was awarded a full scholarship to a year-long program from "Sounds True." It's called "The Year of Energy Healing." I am very excited to be a part of this course. I have not started it yet, as I just got the notice of my award yesterday.
I have been thinking about training in the computer science field. I double majored in college in Operations Management and Management of Information Systems, but my training is already outdated. I may be able to learn online for free, and get a job working from home that I like to do, without having to interact with customers directly. Right now, I am struggling to do what I am trying to do, so it won't be any time soon that I try to apply to a program. I don't want to over-commit myself and fail. I need time alone to study and work, where Caleb is not constantly trying to get my attention. I really do want to find a way to make more money. I need to get out of debt! I need to fix my house! I need to fix my car! Ugh. The pressures.
I am supposed to be making changes to my routine to become healthier so that it reflects in my labs. I am doing a horrible job so far. I want to change that. I will try again today. Mathew tells me to start walking again , but this time start out slower. He says just start with 5 minutes a day at a 3% incline for the first week. I can do that. No problem. I just have to get Caleb to clean off the incline trainer once again because he has it loaded with junk again. He says add a minute every week. I can do that. 46 minutes was just too damn long. Trying to do that for 5 days a week was taxing. Where am I suppose to get the extra energy to do that? I'm already waking up tired! Really. I just pushed myself too hard, too fast, and ended up quitting. I don't want to quit. I want to make this happen. I know I can do it. I know I can. It's better now that I know I have a cheering section. I also have a group of women who are about my size trying everyday to lose weight too, on a private Facebook group.
I would also like to learn conversational Brazilian Portuguese. One day I will make the trip to see where my dad grew up. One day. I want to be able to talk to my extended family in Brazil. I need to know about how to ask to use the restroom, and where it is.
I have not printed out a blog2print book in some time now, and I know it is going to cost a fortune to catch up. I just don't make enough money, and it is very expensive. I have only 2 books printed.
So I am back to vaping like an addict, because that's what I am. I got my delivery of my usual shipment from Broke Dick, thank God. I ordered my coils and batteries, and they should be here any day now. I am also drinking the Diet Mountain Dew. I only really drink it in the early morning while writing my blog, but I drink it one after the other. During the day, I am too concerned with staying hydrated and drinking my sugar-free flavored water-Miralax drinks. So I failed to quit them both, and I am ok with that. I have accepted that now is not the best time to try to quit my bad habits. The is much turmoil in my home, and even greater turmoil in the world. It's a stressful time to be alive. So, I pardon myself on all counts, ask for forgiveness from myself for beating myself up about it.
I wonder what Virginia is looking like these days. Are dispensaries open yet? They recently legalized marijuana. I wish North Carolina would get on board. I could be spared so much pain if I had medical access.
It's been a couple of weeks that I have missed the WoVen meetings. I just don't have any energy to spare at the end of the day. Meetings are on Wednesdays at 6:00pm my time. That's our dinner time. Meetings can last 2 hours. What is Caleb suppose to do for 2 hours?
I weigh-in tomorrow morning. It's not going to be good news for me, and I know that. I wish there was an easier way to reverse diabetes. Aunt Lisa sent me a book about it, and I will have to read it soon. I need to know.
It is now 3:33 am here. I am not ready for bed, so I might do some reading on the kindle while I lay down on the couch.
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