I'm up at 2:34 am because I was sweating and overheating. I can't sleep when I'm hot. I was sticking to the mattress protector because my blanket shifted.
I had a pretty good day yesterday. My hair cooperated awesomely in the heat. I went to Caleb's occupational therapy appointment and was allowed to sit inside, instead of waiting in the car. It was probably warmer in the building than in the car, but at least I wasn't outside in the sun. I got some reading done while I waited. I was reading a book on the kindle about starting a homeschool. Very interesting stuff that I had not considered. I did not finish reading, so there is more to go.
I made a spaghetti dinner with meat, zucchini, and squash sauce. We bought fresh bread from the new Publix while we were there today. It was delicious! I have not had freshly made bread in so long! What a treat!
I bought 4 lbs. of ground beef at $3.29/lbs. That's the best price I've seen lately! We also bought the Gatorade powder to make Gatorade at home. I'm so excited about that! I have been waiting for Walmart to sell it, and they never do. It's cheaper to make it at home than to buy them in bottles. We drink so much! And it's so hot these days, it's important to replenish electrolytes.
I am happy that I did not have to raise cane at the occupational therapist office about coming inside. I really did not want to show my ass, but I was going to if the need arised.
I have some random photos I want to share. They are hilarious.
This was Caleb's idea!
My sweet Bella.
Scary face!
Belly rub love.
Good hair day!
Caleb's work again.
Smile!
Caleb took most of those photos! He is becoming quite the photographer!
I asked Caleb some important questions today. "If you had a choice, would you prefer a tablet or a laptop?" Laptop. Good choice! He can use a laptop for school work and games. I would like to find a way to get him a laptop on sale this Fall, maybe cyber Monday or black Friday. Next, " What if you homeschooled forever?" As in never went back to school? "I don't know" Well it's something to think about. It may end up being better for you overall. Finally, "Do you want spaghetti or penne?" LOL I will eat both, so it doesn't matter to me! He says "Spaghetti!"
Caleb is my little carb-o-holic. He loves carbs. He especially likes Velveeta shells and cheese, but really enjoys when I make pasta.
Bella is enjoying so much time with us at home. She is so calm at home. It's when she sees other animals, she goes wild.
When I take notes from this kindle book I am reading, I will have some big words to describe my homeschool. LOL
I called my dentist's office and told them I am a single parent, and needed my son to wait inside, instead of the car for an hour. My request was approved. I am grateful. Once again, I would have been willing to fight somebody for my son's safety. I don't know why I am so on the edge lately. Part of it comes with being a veteran, and a mom of an exceptional child. Part of it has to do with hormones at that time of month. Part of it has to do with being spending so much time following all these guidelines for COVID-19. Part of it has to do with what happened last week and being in a 100 degree house. My claws are out for sure.
I am going to have Caleb try some children's yoga and meditation as prat of his school day. It will be good for both of us. We are going to study mindfulness too. I want to really support his development from where he is, not where his classmates were/are.
Once again, Bella stayed in bed, and did not follow me out of the bedroom. I find that to be funny. She is too comfortable to get up. Caleb is sleeping on the couch and Sponge Bob is on.
Today is the last appointment of the week. I will be able to catch up on laundry and dishes for sure. I have no need to go anywhere after my dental visit. I'm also trying to get Caleb to help me remove as much clutter and trash from the house as possible. School will start soon, and it will be easier to concentrate without the mess.
I'm so thirsty, I had to make me a 2.2 L ice cold flavored water drink real quick. I don't understand what it is about having diabetes that makes me so thirsty all the time. I drink fluids all day and all night. Ahhh ice! So great to have ice again! Cools the insides.
I think the Swanson supplements have helped me tame my inflammation. I haven't felt the heat from inside my body for some time now. It must be working! I will find out for sure when I have my labs done again. The numbers don't lie.
I have been failing at keeping my diet under control. I have been failing at exercising daily. There's just too much going on and I'm not making the best choices on a daily basis. Being a single parent and first-time home owner is hard work. I don't sleep well. I get tired during the middle of the day. I go to bed early and wake up during the night all night long. I don't know how to change my sleep pattern. I wake up because I am hot, have to use the bathroom, have dry mouth from mouth breathing, am thirsty, want to vape, want to snack, need to change position... the list is endless. I have no choice but to get up because I can't go back to sleep without taking action. I do the best I can with what I have to deal with.
Sometimes during the day I deal with fatigue and lack of motivation to do anything. Sometimes I have flare ups which keep me in bed pretty much for days. I haven't been using the diabetic shoes I fought to get, with the custom insoles, and lift. I have been wearing my old sandals that I super glued the Dr. Scholl's insert into.
The only things that are stable, every day practices are that I take my medications, and I write my blog. All other things must be flexible because it just depends on how I am feeling whether or not anything gets done. I am pretty good about keeping appointments too, regardless of how I feel. I have not been meditating, nor doing the chair yoga program I bought. I struggle. Everyday. My PTSD and Anxiety have calmed down quite a bit. I no longer need to take anxiety medication. I am supposed to be using the Alpha-Stim daily, but I have neglected to do that too. Since getting use to being in my bedroom at night, I have been able to calm down from some heightened sensitivities that I had to noises. Generally speaking, I am enjoying my life. I wish I could do more of what I set out for myself to do. I do what I can, as I can.
I haven't been walking on the incline trainer at all since the flare up. Too much has happened since then, and I haven't fully recovered. I need to adjust my schedule to be able to include more activities when I am feeling awake and able, and it's not hot outside.
I try to explain things to Caleb. I am not normal. Normal people are able to work a job. Normal people are able to do more around the house on a regular and consistent basis. Normal people can sleep through the night. Normal people are not disabled people. It's important I make these distinctions obvious for him, because I am all he knows. He does not see the homes of other people, and he does not know how other families operate. I don't know how other families operate, I just know it's very different from how we are forced to operate.
I had an appointment with my neurologist last Friday. We discussed the possibility of changing my medications that I take for seizures and fibromyalgia. I have sexual dysfunction due to my medications, and I just assumed it would be due to the Lyrica since it acts on the nervous system. He mentioned it may also be due to my anti-depressants. I decided to not change my medications, as I do not want to risk having another seizure. One seizure equals 6 months of not being able to drive. I have no support system here, and that would be disastrous. He said that there are not many fibromyalgia medications available. I would have to discuss changing my anti-depressants with my psychiatrist. I will discuss the sexual dysfunction so that she is aware, but I will not change my medications. I have not had a period of depression for a while now, and I want to keep it that way. I guess I have to sacrifice my sexual health for my mental health. I am ok with that. I am not dating. I am not interested in anyone. I would like to be able to take care of my own needs, but I am so tired at night anyway... I feel like I'm older than I actually am because I have been numbed to those experiences. Caleb told me that I am ancient. LOL I'm still only 37. 37 is a good number.
So yeah, I am very much in survival mode. I thought I was doing better, but now that I see everything typed up, I know better. Hurricanes have started to show up. None coming our way as of yet, but it won't be long. The ocean is just too warm, and the winds from Africa blow. I need to buy more water.
I haven't been able to drive the Volvo because it has been a heat index of 100 or more for more than a week, and the Volvo's air conditioning is broken.
I don't know how the things are faring in the shed. I haven't been out there lately. I know it gets super hot in there during the day though. I need to take a picture of my college diploma to submit to the state along with my homeschool application. I never opened the envelope to look at it. I just stored it away. I didn't really celebrate it, but I should have. I mean, I spent years trying to obtain the damn thing! I don't know. It was like the end. It was over. Nothing more. I was already disabled when I graduated. I knew I wouldn't be working. It was like I prepared for nothing. I was hoping to have a government job working in Logistics. It would have been very fulfilling, as I would have chosen a job that supported the Army and worked as a civilian. My ideas of what I am capable of have changed since then. I know I cannot handle a traditional full time job. I can't even handle my life as it is right now! Adding to the work load would not help.
The only reason I know I can homeschool Caleb is because I am determined to keep our schedule flexible. We do not need strict structure. Caleb does not do well in that environment anyway. It causes a lot of stress to behave that way for both of us. So, we will take each day as it comes, and make the most of the time we can afford. The only regulation North Carolina has is that the school has to be in operation for 9 months out of the year, and that all students must do the end-of-year testing. I must have at least a high school diploma, and apply for homeschool registration with the state. Of course I will need to withdraw Caleb from his middle school, so they will not expect him there.
I am excited because I knew I needed help teaching Caleb the basics from elementary school, but since he knows how to read now, this should be good. He has graduated from his speech therapy, and is much better able to communicate now then he was back in kindergarten or first grade. There are a lot fewer meltdowns and explosions than there use to be. I feel that public school takes so much time away from me being able to parent my own child. We would wake up at 6:00 am to get ready and catch thus bus at 7:15 a.m. Caleb's school would open around 8:15 a.m. and end around 3:30 p.m. He would get home around 4:30 p.m. There was only time for him to do his daily chores, to have dinner, take a shower, and get ready for bed the way he behaves. He requires an early bedtime to not be a butthole the next day. That's how it was Monday through Friday for years. Saturday and Sunday were rest days and cleaning days for me. Sometimes it would have to be grocery shopping days too. It's not the life I want for my son. He wasn't participating in classes. He wasn't doing his school work. He was creating every excuse in the book to avoid doing work. He was destroying pencils, crayons, and markers in class and making messes. He was being wild on the bus. There were bullies on the bus. He came home in a bad mood almost every day. His grades were low in core subjects. His testing results were low every year. He only liked school to go to recess every day. It was a prison for kids. I felt bad for him, but there was little I could do. I would get notes from teachers almost every day about some problem they were having with Caleb that day. It was exhausting. Futile.
Caleb's not a bad kid. He needs more one on one attention than he was getting in public school. He has trouble paying attention as it is. His teachers were aware of him having ADHD and ODD. He is a very active and energetic boy. He only pays attention to things that interest him. For example, he can play video games all day long. It provides the sensory input he requires. It's highly involved and all-consuming. You can't provide that experience in a classroom of 30 kids.
Trying to keep up with him makes me tired. I don't have the energy I had once upon a time. I'm worn down. I don't get restorative sleep, so I never fully recharge. I have a general idea of how we are going to work together to get through the year though.
Caleb is awake now. Bella has come out of the bedroom too. Funny how that happens at about the same time. It is now 4:44 a.m. here now.
I'm ready to go lay down now.
No comments:
Post a Comment