New Start Day 85

     It is now 0524 and I have taken most of my medications and supplements. I am enjoying the quiet of the house while everybody is asleep. I was really thirsty and had to get up to use the bathroom too. I was too warm to stay in bed. I don't know why it's not freezing in here. I have been sweating a lot since Thursday when I had my Covid-19 Omicron variant booster shot. 

    Yesterday I slept a lot. I was just so tired. Caleb kept waking me in the middle of the night to ask me questions. He couldn't fall asleep. He was awake all night long and was wide awake when I got up at 0400 yesterday morning. Being woken up repeatedly kept me from getting the rest I needed. I got out of bed late after going back to sleep after I wrote my blog. I did not stay awake for long before I went back to bed. I finally was able to hand wash some dishes and clean off the kitchen island. I then made a giant omelet in the oven. I made it with:

18 eggs

2 red bell peppers

2 orange bell peppers

2 yellow bell peppers

3 Vidalia onions

a big container of spinach

4 portobello mushrooms

1 small package of sliced white mushrooms

a huge bag of sharp cheddar cheese

garlic salt

garlic powder

onion powder

black pepper

1/2 a container of bacon fat

    It was delicious!

    My ketones were finally at 0.5, meaning I made it into ketosis.

    Here is a photo of the customized keto meatloaf I made the other day.

    It is made of:

about 5 lbs. of ground chuck

heavy whipping cream

extra virgin olive oil

unsweetened coconut flakes

Vidalia onions

2 red bell peppers

2 yellow bell pepper

2 orange bell peppers

onion powder

garlic powder

garlic salt

black pepper

basil

oregano

    Also delicious!

    Today is the Sunday before Halloween, with Halloween being tomorrow. I plan to take it easy today so I don't miss out on tomorrow. We have tickets to see The Phantom of the Opera this afternoon at the Wilson Center in Wilmington. I want to dress nicely for the occasion. I need to take a shower since I have been sweating so much. I want to do my hair and makeup nicely today too. I might even wear a pair of my new shoes. 

    I wonder if Caleb has nice clothes that are clean. I will have to ask him when he wakes up. As far as I know, his clothes are all dirty. I want him to look nice when we go out. 

    I drank a lot of fluids this morning. I started with Diet Mountain Dew, then drank a lot of water, then took my medications which means I drank a lot of sugar-free sweet tea, then drank even more water and dew. I'm just drinking so much. I wonder how much of this thirst is because I had that booster shot. 

    I want to get my house cleaned up, but I don't want to be too exhausted before I have to drive to Wilmington. Getting ready to go out is a huge endeavor for me, which is why I never really do the works. I want to focus on having a good time today. I hope Caleb likes the show. 

    I am trying out these HoneyLove shapers. The one I am wearing the one that has the thick straps. I chose it because the tiny straps on some brands dig into my shoulders and hurt. I like this shaper but it retains a lot of heat. It's not a problem in the colder months, but would be a big problem in the hotter months. It's soft on my skin. The bra part doesn't stay in place. I mean the padding. I like that it is long enough to cover my entire belly. Perhaps I should have bought a smaller size to get the tightness I like. 

    I bought some new supplements yesterday from Swanson Vitamins. They were on sale, but that's not the only reason I bought them. I bought them in the hopes I could help myself feel better. I bought some to help with my keto diet, some for energy, and some for brain health. Should be interesting to see if I notice any differences on them once they arrive.

    I bought some stuff from amazon. I think I wrote about it already. I bought some rakes to help us reach under my bed to pull stuff out that is dragged under there by Bubba. I bought a few new books and the collection of Batman movies for Caleb. 

    I received the photos I had printed yesterday, along with the hanging macrame-type multiple photo holder. I gave Caleb half of the photos I printed so he can keep them in his own photo album. I was obsessed with photos when I was younger. I kept all the photos I ever had for many years. I still have a lot of them today. Some of the photos are of us, but some of them are of other family members we do not see frequently. Even though I don't have a relationship with my sister, Sherri, or her family, I want Caleb to be able to see them. I even printed a photo of who I suspect is his biological father. 

    I printed photos to hang up in the house that are recent. I will hang this thing I bought in the hallway probably. I printed a photo from my dad's birthday visit featuring Bella, Bubba, Caleb, and my dad. 

    I want to ask someone at the show if they could take photos of Caleb and me together today. It's important to me because I know we tend to forget things over time. I don't want him to forget quality time spent with me. 

    I have no clue what's happening this week. Let me look at my calendar. So this afternoon we are going to see The Phantom of the Opera in Wilmington. Tomorrow I have a morning appointment with Brandi about Reiki. Tomorrow night is trick-or-treating. Tuesday I have an in-person appointment to introduce myself and my health concerns to the new doctor at the VA women's clinic,  Tuesday night is a Revelation Breathwork seminar. Wednesday Caleb has a therapy appointment in the afternoon. I have the Next Steps for Reiki Masters class on Wednesday night. Thursday Caleb gets his Covid-19 Omicron booster shot. Friday night we are going to see Swan Lake in Wilmington. Then we have the weekend free. Man, that's a busy schedule!

    Yesterday CNN had a report that 120 people died in Seoul during a Halloween celebration they were having in the streets. My heart goes out to all of them. I told my dad I avoid congested, highly populated areas like the plague ever since 9/11.

    I talked to my dad for a while yesterday. We were talking about experiences in Korea. I told him about the homeless man in the subway who followed me when I was with Eddie, Christinia's now ex-husband, on the way to bring her McDonald's food at the Korean hospital she was in during her pregnancy.  He was trying to offer me $7 for "sexy." It creeped me out. I was more than 7 months pregnant at the time. It scared me because he didn't stop following us until we got in the subway. I couldn't waddle fast enough to get away! My belly was huge at the time.

    I can't wait for things to slow down some. I am definitely not going back to Capella University to finish my Master's degree. It's too much for me to handle at this point in my life. I ended up taking all these classes anyway! It's like where's the break? LOL I really enjoy the Next Steps program and am grateful to be in it. I enjoy Revelation Breathwork Facilitator classes too. I try to show up to the Prosperous Healer classes as much as possible. Sometimes it's too many classes for me to take in one week. I am still working on how to market my service. I now have car magnets on the Mazda for both the book shop online and my Reiki service. I now have my business cards too! My website is live and fully operational as far as I know. I am able to accept appointments and payments in advance. I have not had any appointments made yet, but I think that is because I have only shared to my Facebook pages and Instagram page. I have not run any ads yet. It's a process. I will get there. I have faith. 

    I don't want to minimize the impact my zoom meeting with Jana Carrey had on me. I just haven't been feeling well. My appointment with her was on Friday night. It was like time just flew by. I like listening to what she has to say. My memory is bad, so I don't remember all the conversations we had. I remember the conversation about my rape. Using the word rape to describe being impregnated through non-consensual unprotected sex is powerful. By the end of all of our conversations, I felt like a shift occurred in the center of my chest where there is chronic pain. I will be receiving a new floral elixir in a couple of weeks. We will meet online every 2 weeks for 3 months. She is guiding me as my mentor. I am glad I found her! I am happy I was chosen to fill the last reservation for this program. I feel hopeful that I will grow faster and bigger more quickly than being alone. 

    I am taking notes between our appointments to help me remember what happens. It should be very interesting to see what shifts for me, Oh! How could I forget the glow behind me while I was on camera with Jana?! It was gray outside and raining on and off all day that day. Jana mistakenly thought the sun was setting, but the sun never came out the whole day. When I mentioned that I felt like Mother Mary being pregnant in a foreign country, her face lit up! She said Mother Mary is supporting me. and that she feels Archangel Michael with me too. Isn't that AWEsome?! I told her about my halo when I was pregnant with Caleb too. 

    I have decided to change from using the name "Jesus" to using the name "Yeshua" when talking about the Christ. It's a process. I've referred to him as Jesus my entire life, so I'm just taking it easy.No pressure.

    I forgot to tell her that I "completed" the Magdalene Rose Temple's Rose Priestess certification. I need to retrain because I forgot what I did entirely to complete it.

    In our next session she will teach me how to ground. We ran out of time on Friday. Oh! I don't want to forget she said I am a starseed from the Andromeda galaxy. I think I got that right. I am also a lightworker. It made things more clear for me when she explained. 

    It's now 0708 and I have been here blogging the entire time. I should probably take a quick rest before I start the rest of my day.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

    

    

New Start Day 84

     It is now 0400 and I have taken most of my medications and supplements. Caleb has been awake all night and is hyper AF. I don't know why he hasn't slept. He's going to be tired today though. Yesterday was a busy day for me. Caleb had his flu shot and then we went grocery shopping at Walmart. We came home, but left again to go to the post office. I had to send something to my dad. I also needed a notary to witness me fill out my ballot. The notary wasn't in so I was referred to the FedEx office down the street. I went there and voted. As we came home it began to rain. It was gray all day. I was tired but knew I needed to make dinner. I wanted to make meatloaf. Eventually I began washing dishes and cleaning my prep area. I finished cooking a 5lbs meatloaf one minute before my appointment with Jana Carrey. The appointment went well. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with her and it didn't even feel like an hour and a half passed.

    I did not get everything on my list done, but I made good progress. I finally got my vote in the mail! I have been thinking about that a lot this past week. I kept forgetting to go when the post office was open.

    Today is Saturday and we don't have any appointments. The goals for today are to get the laundry going, get the dishwasher running, take out trash and recycling, and generally organize things nd put them where they belong. It might not sound like a lot but it's a disaster area in here. Between Caleb and Bubba making messes and not cleaning up, and me having so many sick days there's a lot to catch up on. 

    Tomorrow we go to see Phantom of the Opera in Wilmington. I don't want to do anything but that tomorrow. Well, I was thinking I would take a shower and dress up for the occasion. Maybe even wear my hair down and wear makeup. 

    I want to make salad today. I ate 2 large packages of blueberries last night. I don't know why I needed to do that.

    I heard from Craig over there in Korea. He is ok. Waiting to hear from him when I've seen the news is so hard. 

    Bella is laying by my foot as I type. She was resting her head on my right foot. 

    I'm still tired. I only got up to use the bathroom and get something to drink. I stayed up because Caleb was wide awake. I guess I can get the laundry going. I really am not ready to start working yet. 

    I got my business cards and car magnets in the mail on Thursday. 

    Caleb is just so hyper. He woke me up alot last night. I can hardly concentrate on what to type. He is bouncing off the walls. 

    I am trying to think about what I want for breakfast. I should eat the hard boiled eggs I made. I am sleepy. I am going to go back to sleep. First I'm giving Caleb his morning medications.

New Start Day 83

     It is now 0418. I wish I could sleep. Yesterday I had an experience as I was finishing both my blog and my guided meditation. I drew a big circle in the air counterclockwise in front of me with my non-dominant hand. I wrote what at the time seemed like nonsense for the last few sentences of my blog. I haven't looked at it again yet. I was not in control, and did not feel well. My sugar was fine. i don't know what I was dealing with at the time. I went straight to bed as a result though. A part of me thought I might be about to have a seizure and got scared. I still can't explain what happened.

    I slept all morning. I got up for lunch but then went back to bed. I got up and was still tired. I had plans to get things done, but nothing got done. I managed to take a shower and put on fresh clothes. I went to the whole Next Steps class. As soon as that was done, I went to bed.

    I woke back up around midnight and called my dad. He was wide awake and we talked for a good while. I tried to go back to sleep after that, but never really fell back asleep. Here I am now, wide awake. 

    I have the Reiki appointment with Brandi this morning. Later this morning I have my Covid-19 booster for the omicron variant. Other than that, I would say I might go to Walmart to restock on drinks and pistachios. 

    I didn't cook or clean yesterday. It was enough to take a long hot shower. I did not even brush my hair afterward. I just left it down to dry. 

    Today I need to set time aside to do my homework. While I'm doing that, the laundry can be going. I need to find the rolls of trash bags we had.

    I'm kind of thirsty so I'm going to prepare my medications and supplements. BRB I got most of them down.

    I hope today is a more productive day. I don't want to keep facing the same jobs because I never got started on them. 

    I know I need to make salads or my vegetables are going to go bad. I want to make changes to the keto meatloaf recipe to include diced tri-color peppers and Vidalia onions. I wanted to make that yesterday. I might be able to make it today. Nearly everything I wanted to do yesterday, I want to do today now. 

    I don't have any classes today so that's a bonus as far as getting this other stuff done is concerned. 

    Caleb gets his flu shot tomorrow and I have my first session with my new mentor, Jana Carrey! I'm excited to see how this goes.

    I chatted with Rachel yesterday. I feel like she gets me.

    I am starting to promote my Reiki business website, www.HealiNergy.com. I'm going to need to attune 5 people in person before January for my class. My first person will be Caleb. My second person might be Brenda. I don't know who my other three people will be.

    I've got my hands full with everything that is going on. It's only going to get busier. I've limited my Reiki business to only one morning a week just to be sure I'm not doing too much too soon. 

    I think I messed up yesterday's biomarkers by eating wasabi peas. My ketones were at 0.4 again. Almost there, but not quite. Now I know I can't eat them. 

    The broccoli and cheese casserole is a good recipe to use regularly. I don't mind eating the leftovers at all. Actually, I enjoy that it doesn't take much to fill my stomach. 

    I need to cast my ballot. I need to send my dad his ballot so he can do the same. 

    I bought some new oven mitts since Bubba tore my favorite set apart. I bought rakes because I use them to reach under the beds. I couldn't keep myself from buying more books. I bought Caleb the Batman movies on Dvd. I might save them for him for Christmas or his birthday. I was looking for a Rainbow Brite doll to have a photo shoot with in my rainbow-striped dress. I could not find one on amazon. 

    Bubba is growing fast. He is over 50lbs now! Bella still plays with him outside. They chase each other around the yard. 

    Caleb has a friend who lives close by, named Tristan, who he likes to toss the football with and ride bikes with. 

    Caleb found his Xbox accidentally a couple of weeks ago. It's going to be a problem when he has to refrain from playing on it again while we get schoolwork done. 

    My dad looks forward to Caleb getting his driver's license, but I don't. As a matter of fact, I haven't started the Volvo up in a while. I should do that later today. 

    I haven't heard anything from Christinia. I have no idea how she is doing. 

    I haven't been paying much attention to the news. I just know I need to vote.

    I have to call my mortgage company about including all my property insurance on my escrow. I need to call my insurance companies to make sure that the policy reflects a recent evaluation of the property. 

    I had to take a break from meditation today. Yesterday freaked me out a bit. I wasn't expecting anything like that to happen. I just want to chill out and relax. I emailed Erica Rock about too. She said something like "Let's see what happens." 

     Caleb got his hoodies in yesterday. He started wearing them right away. They are all Special Forces hoodies. 

    I found my new favorite hoodie. It's a Harry Potter hoodie from Torrid. I love it. It is thin but warm and cozy. 

    I got 5 copies of  Clinging to the Vine by Sheila Farr yesterday. I wrote a chapter in it. I will keep one copy for my collection, and give the rest away or sell them. I still need to order #BeastMode by Sheila Farr. I wrote a chapter in that book too. If you are interested, I can sell the paperback versions to you. Just ask. The e-books are sold on amazon. 

    I am wondering how long it is going to take to get Jamie McCurry to take a DNA test. 

    Ok, so I just did some personal accounting. Thank God for Excel! It makes my life easier.

    It's now 0619. It doesn't look like I'm going to make it back to bed. I would love to cuddle with Bella for a little while before my early morning appointment. Unfortunately for me, I have some work to do as far as preparing for today's Reiki session. I need to learn how to create a playlist and organize a zoom meeting. Here goes!

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

    

New Start Day 82

     It is now 0141 and I have taken most of my medications and supplements. I had a busy day yesterday. I wanted to rest after blogging yesterday morning, so I went to lie down for a while. I got up again around 0730 and began to work on my computer. I don't remember exactly what I was doing. Oh yeah! I was trying to create my vision board! 

 My Vision Board

    I also was checking for the Paypal verification of my business account so I could share my website. My business is now live and ready to schedule remote Reiki sessions!

HealiNergy LLC

    I organized my emails, and updated my calendar. I called the vet to schedule Bella's annual heart exam appointment. I called my dad and told him about my vision board! I was so excited. The idea is for me to create my own reality by living as if the things I want to happen have already happened. It was part of the homework for the Prosperous Healer group. 

    I was tired around lunchtime and went to take a nap, but did not rest well. I woke up very sore all over. I finally made the broccoli and cheese casserole! It turned out pretty good. Caleb would not even try it though.

    I wanted to go to Jason's breathwork for the New Moon class, but by 1900, I was already in bed and exhausted. Breathwork is exercise, and I just did not have the energy to make it. 

    I still need a shower. I did not even do my hair the last few days. 

    I am tired but I can't sleep.

    I think I might just make another keto meatloaf with some grilled vegetables on the side tonight. That sounds good. I have the Next Steps class tonight with Michal. Only 2 more monthly payments and I will be done paying the payment plan I have with her! I can't wait. 

    I had to liquidate my Acorns account to pay for groceries. I was not happy about that. I hope to have some appointments scheduled soon so I can make some money. 

    I feel like listening to Erica Rock's tele-call from this month.

    I have got to get back on track. I feel even more behind than I was prior to my sugar going low. There is just so much work to be done around here. I have to remember to allow myself time to rest before Michal's class so I will be able to focus on what is being said rather than on how tired I am. 

    Yesterday I had a pint of blueberries early in the morning. I ate leftover keto meatloaf and my greens mixture for lunch. I had 2 servings of keto meal replacement shakes for my mid-afternoon snack after my nap. I had the broccoli and cheese casserole for dinner. So, overall my diet is back on track. I had 0.4 reading of ketones, but I need at least 0.5 to be in ketosis. My blood sugar stayed in range.

    I just reviewed my vision board. I am supposed to read it every day.

    I began reading The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield. It's a book suggested by Jason Amoroso from Revelation Breathwork. I received the book we are going to read in the Prosperous Healer group, Marketing Made Simple by Donald Miller. 

    I want to catch up on my housework so I can focus on things like exercising in the mornings with Caleb and reading with him. 

    I have to get my dad's ballot mailed to him quickly. I need to go to the notary to have my ballot witnessed and send it in. I have some of Christinia's mail that I am going to send to her too. She has not been answering my messages lately. I hope she is ok. 

    I am just listening to the singing bowls in this month's energetic transmission by Erica Rock. I am more open to it now than I was the first time I listened to the audio track. 

    I have decided to create my own Thanksgiving meal so I could have keto food. I am going to do the same for Christmas. We are going to have a small Christmas this year because I refuse to go into more debt to buy presents. Caleb's birthday is on New Year's Eve, so it's a double whammy when we are already struggling financially. 

    We are going to see Phantom of the Opera on Sunday. I am looking forward to getting out to see live entertainment. Monday is Halloween. I'll be taking Caleb trick-or-treating. 

    I get my Covid-19 Omicron variant booster tomorrow. Caleb gets his flu shot on Friday. 

    As for today, it will be a mixture of cleaning, homework, and cooking. I have to watch the second half of the first Prosperous Healer video, and watch the whole Revelation Breathwork seminar video. I need to take a shower and take care of myself by doing my personal hygiene routines. I want to start the laundry. I have dishes to wash. I want to get Caleb to prepare the hallway to have the carpet shampooed. 

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    Have happy good level as routed as understand member, and thank you for local collection!

      

    

New Start Day 81

     It is now 0136 and I just ate a pint of blueberries. I'm all out of pistachios and to buy more dew. It's time for a trip to Walmart. Yesterday was a recovery day. I ate my custom giant salad with upgrades, kalamata olives and chunk feta cheese. It was delicious and filling. I avoided eating non-keto food. I had 2 keto meal replacement shakes for dinner. I did not cook anything yesterday. I slept for most of the afternoon after lunch. I did make it to the Prosperous Healer class and stayed through the whole thing. I am still tired but hungry and thirsty. I might go ahead and take my meds and supplements just because I am so hungry and thirsty.

    I am listening to the second half of Jana Carrey's "Journey to Mary Magdalene's Temple." I listened to the first half yesterday. The second half of the audio track is the actual guided meditation. The first half of the audio track is just the introduction.

    We did go to Food Lion yesterday and I checked out with Amanda. I needed mushrooms for my salad. Caleb got some snacks and ravioli. I also bought some ground beef. 

    I just placed another e-juice order. I guess I am not quitting soon. 

    I keep checking to see if the 2 deposits have been made by Paypal into my business checking account for verification, but it hasn't happened yet. I should be getting my business cards and car magnets on Friday. I just want to share my website already. I want to start scheduling appointments.

    I talked to my dad yesterday. We had a good conversation about the state of things in the news. I enjoy talking to him about current events. I have no one else to talk to about things that bother me right now. 

    I did chat with Rachel for a little bit yesterday. We have been friends since freshman year of high school. It's been 24 years now. 

    My dad was asking about other friends I had in high school. He wanted to know if I was in contact with any of them and how they are doing. I told him what I knew about Jessica Tortelli. As far as I know, she dropped out of the engineering program at NC State. I don't know much more than that. Jessica Gonzalez doesn't want to have anything to do with me for some reason. She won't respond to my friend request on Facebook, or reply to my messages. 

    I had fun watching former President Obama on Instagram reaching out to young voters. I also watched Army recruiting videos. I enjoyed watching the soldiers running together and calling cadence. 

    Caleb began moving stuff from the incline trainer for me. He was supposed to be washing laundry, but I don't think he was.

    I've been waiting for him to dry the load of laundry with my underwear in it so I will have clean clothes to wear after I shower.

    I would like to cook and clean today. I am ready to cook the broccoli and cheese casserole. I want to clean the hallway floor with the carpet cleaner. I need to take a shower. I'm ready to get some clean clothes on and wash away the sweat that's on my skin. I'm tired though, so I might go back to sleep for a little while. 

    I would like to also watch the second half of last week's Prosperous Healer video and do the homework for the class from last week and this week. I have a class tonight for the New Moon with Jason at Revelation Breathwork.

    Tomorrow night is the Next Steps class. I can't wait to share how much I've done in such a short amount of time.  

    The meditation is complete. I am ready to cuddle with Bella. 

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

New Start Day 80

      It is now 0534 and I have taken most of my medications and supplements. Yesterday did not go as planned. I ate 4 of Caleb's doughnuts and he made me 2.5 frozen chimichangas early in the morning. I took 2 Metformin after eating to control my glucose. I went back to bed eventually and got up and started working on my computer. I ordered Domino's because I got really hungry all of a sudden and did not want to spend time cooking. I started feeling off so I checked my glucose. It was at 68! Low! I started having low glucose symptoms like shaking and I was yelling at Caleb. Thank God the Domino's order was already on its way. When it got here, I wasted no time and began to eat.  My sugar went from 68 to 118 quickly after eating some pizza. I wasn't feeling good for awhile though. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by taking Metformin after eating. I guess I waited too long to eat. 

    Caleb made a bowl of cereal for me around midnight. My sugar is now over 200. I had frosted flakes which has sugar coating. 

    I spent the afternoon in bed. I was exhausted after that experience. I got no work done. 

    I did get my checkbook balanced. I asked Caleb to start the laundry for me. I had Caleb take the trash bins to the road. I was able to get more organized by sorting out my mail and organizing things into a binder. I was able to email my mortgage company about my insurance. We lost the internet at one point. We spent at least 30 minutes trying to fix it. Caleb started moving things off the incline trainer for me. I might actually be able to take a walk on it today!

    I am listening to Jana Carrey's "Journey to Mary Magdalene's Temple."

    I was trying to figure out why Instagram isn't showing my post texts. It shows the photo I upload, but not the text part. I tried everything. I couldn't fix it. 

    I'm tired in my body. I'm glad I cancelled the plans to go to Lumberton today. It's not a good time to try to move 2 dogs, their needs, plus a Caleb and my stuff.

    I don't know what today holds. It depends on how I am feeling. I do have a Prosperous Healer class tonight. I need to watch the rest of the video from last week and do the homework. I will need to rest this afternoon to be ready for class at 1900. 

    I am still waiting for the verification of my business account before I can share my new website and take reservations online.  

    I am just listening to this audio track. 

    I need to take a shower today. Seriously need to. I was not well yesterday and never took a shower. 

    I am hoping that by Friday I can share my website.

    I am needing to lay down. I am so tired still. I woke up because my CPAP got disconnected. This audio is 2 hours long. I have only made it through the first half. I can't make it today.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

New Start Day 79

     It is now 0154 and I have taken most of my medications and supplements. I woke up not too long ago and ate a bunch of Caleb's doughnuts. I had 2 ice cream cones too. I can't have stuff like that around, especially when I'm trying to get back into ketosis. I tried to tell myself "No," but I failed to listen.

    Yesterday I woke up and after I blogged I began doing things to support my business. I looked up business grants and began applying for them. I created an expense workbook and began tracking my training investments. I updated my webpage with my Reiki lineage. I spent all morning working. I had lunch and then went to rest after calling my dad.

    I didn't do much in the afternoon. I did not sleep well. Caleb kept waking me up. I finally got up and eventually made a salad. I was really in need of keto carbs. 

    I did not get any cooking or cleaning done. None at all. My body was sore all day and I was tired. We did go to Food Lion to buy some groceries. 

    Caleb watched Disney's Alice in Wonderland Dvd that we received in the mail recently. Now he will understand the CluedUp event we are going to in November that is based on it. 

    I don't know what today holds. It really depends on if I get the rest I need. I need a good shower. I still haven't made it to wash up yet. It's hard to believe that I use to take 2 showers a day when I was in the Army. I could manage it back then.  

    I can't wait to share my webpage. I'm not ready yet because my business PayPal is still in the verification phase. 

    I did start doing some of my Prosperous Healer homework. I did more than asked for the Next Steps Program just because I was guided to do the things I did. I felt no pressure to do them. I wanted to do them. It made me happy to do them. I enjoyed the work. 

    I am listening to Erica Rock's October tele-call again. 

    Caleb just woke up because Bella farted and the smell woke him up. LOL

    Erica is using singing bowls in this energy transmission.

    I just gave Bubba the best rubs and loves. My puppy is so big now! He's about 53lbs or so. 

    I need to get my laundry washed today. I want to make the broccoli and cheese casserole that I wanted to make yesterday.

    Bella woke up and came to me for some loves. I gave her good rubs too. I love my dogs so much. They are my source of unconditional love. I love when they cuddle with me in bed. So snuggly.

    I got my new Torrid clothes in the mail yesterday. I ordered a few things like Harry Potter shirts, I just wanted to be sure I have enough t-shirts to start walking and then take showers to wash the sweat off. Need more clothes if I'm going to change clothes so frequently. 

    Caleb made the frozen chimichangas in the air fryer. I had 2.5 of them. They were good! 

    Transitioning back to the keto diet is hard. I feel better since I ate something though. 

    After this tel-call is over I'm going to hop in the shower I think. Less than 15 minutes left. Caleb is wide awake. It is now 0303. Bella is laying on the floor close to me. What a blessing to have dogs who love me. 

    This week I have something going on every day. On  Monday, I have the Prosperous Healer class at night. On Tuesday, I have a Revelations Breathwork seminar at night. On Wednesday night, I have the Next Steps class. On Thursday morning, I am doing a Reiki session with Brandi. I also will also have my Covid-19 booster in the morning. On Friday morning, Caleb has his flu shot appointment, and that night I have my first mentor session with Jana Carrey. On Sunday afternoon, we are going to Wilmington to watch Phantom of the Opera. Halloween is next Monday.  

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

New Start Day 78

     It is now 0746 and I have taken most of my medications. I have been up for about 30 minutes. I slept through most of the night. I was really tired. My body aches now and I was in a hurry to take something for the pain.

    Yesterday was a very busy day, although not in the way that I planned. I planned on cooking and cleaning, but I started working on my website before the sun came out and never really finished working on my business startup goals until about 1600. I was just so motivated and excited to learn new things and create and design my website. It is almost ready to share. I am still waiting on my Paypal business account verification to be able to take payments online. 

    I made a binder for my business documents. I received my NC Articles of Organization and my EIN yesterday. I applied for a business grant yesterday too. 

    I had my zoom call with Jana Carrey! We decided to move together into the last iteration of her mentorship program. I am pretty excited about it. 

    I applied for a personal loan yesterday and was approved. I am going to use it to consolidate my credit card debts into a lower-interest loan. 

    I received some Halloween DVDs from amazon yesterday along with one book we are reading for one of Jason's groups. He is the teacher from the Revelation Breathwork Facilitator class and also the Prosperous Healers class. 

    I received my Next Steps binder yesterday too!

    We took Bubba and Bella to get their flu shots yesterday. Bella also got her Bordatella shot. That was an experience. Bubba peed on the floor in the waiting area and apparently had a full bladder, so I had to clean that up. 

    I found a broccoli and cheese keto casserole recipe online that I would like to try. I have to run to the store to buy some cream cheese to make it. Looks delicious in the photo.

    I had Doritos chips crumbs and a coconut ice cream bar the night before last so I fell out of ketosis, but I did good yesterday. Hopefully today I will be back in ketosis. I have been eating the leftover meatloaf with the greens, and the leftover chuck roast with peppers and onions. I ate a lot of cheese last night. I was just really hungry and thirsty too. I drank half a gallon between the water and the tea I drank when I got up in the middle of the night. I'm sure drinking all that Diet Mountain Dew during the day didn't help. 

    Today I am going to start washing the laundry. I have been letting Caleb wash laundry during the week, and he hasn't gotten much done. I want to catch up on the homework for my non-Next Steps classes. I want to watch the second half of the Prosperous Healers video and order the second book we are going to read. I already forgot what I need to do for the Revelations Breathwork class. I know I missed a seminar on Thursday night that I want to watch this weekend. 

    I need to go through the pile of mail I have here and make sure I am not forgetting to do something.

    My new Academic Coach emailed me yesterday. 

    I don't think I'll be going back to school. There is just too much other stuff I want to do. I can't manage it all. 

    I need a shower. I am overly ripe. I managed to do my hair yesterday before going to the vet's office. 

    I told my dad we are canceling our appointment to go to Ft. Bragg yesterday. I think he was disappointed. I just don't feel like I can drive 3 days in a row in my current condition. I felt like I could manage it when I made the appointments, but I feel like I need to rest now.  

    Halloween is just around the corner. Caleb has his mask ready to trick-or-treat. He needs to find a bag to put his candy in.

    I am still waiting on the remainder of the Let Go or Be Dragged books I ordered. I do not know why they did not ship as one package. I received 11, but I bought 20. 

    Caleb is not awake yet. It is now 0839. Bubba is awake and chewing on something. Bella is asleep too. 

    I'm going to have to find a way to send my dad his absentee voting ballot. I'm going to need to go to a notary to have my vote witnessed. 

    My body hurts. I feel better now that I have been moving around, but I'm still sore. The flu shot injection site is less swollen and not as itchy anymore. I have my Covid-19 booster coming up this week. I think Caleb gets his flu shot this week too. 

    I think I'm ready for some hard boiled eggs and a shower.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

New Start Day 77

     It is now 0334 and I have taken most of my medications and supplements. Yesterday was a slower day for us. I rescheduled my Covid-19 booster because I was too tired. We stayed in bed until noon. When I got up I was shaky because I did not eat breakfast. I quickly heated up some leftovers for lunch. I printed the slides for Wednesday's Next Steps class. After doing that I felt led to figure out a business name so I went to the business name generator Michal gave us. I played with a few names that came up and decided on HealiNergy. I registered a domain name after checking for trademark and state registration. I then registered my LLC with NC. Then I had business cards and car magnets made. I did all this very excitedly and happily. 

    My email to Michal:

 "I got really motivated and excited after printing out the slides from last night, and well... I did a few things. I know I was going to wait, but building an online presence takes time. I found a business name I liked that would allow me to grow, HealiNergy. I made sure it was not trademarked or registered in my state. I made sure the domain name was not taken. I bought the domain name and package. I registered the business in my state. I searched for licenses that might be required. I applied to be a LLC when I registered with the state. I created business cards and car magnets to help me spread the word. My slogan is "Healing Souls Where We Go." I like to rhyme. 

      I decided I could create a way to have my appointments and payments taken online to do remote Reiki sessions when I am available. No pressures or stresses, just an easy-going flow of Reiki Love and Light. All these things take time to put into motion and have completed so I jumped at the opportunity today provided. I may not actually start conducting business until next year, and I'm happy with that too because it gives me time to learn my routine and flow with my volunteer, create my website, have a logo designed, and fun branding stuff done too. I am giving myself all the time I need to move at a solid and leisurely pace. 

      Essentially I did what makes me happy up until now...Now it's time for chores! LOL

Thank you for the opportunity you gave me in the Next Steps program,

Jennifer de Mello "

    Once I completed as much as I could, I went to wash dishes and cook my green cabbage, kale, and collard greens mixture in bacon grease. I checked my numbers before I ate dinner and my ketones were 0.8! I only need 0.5 to be in ketosis. I was ecstatic!

    I was still super tired so I took my medications and went to bed early. I missed both Erica Rock's tel-call and the Revelation Breathwork seminar. I was just exhausted yesterday. 

    Caleb was exhausted too. He managed to start the laundry going, clean out Bubba's crate, take the kitchen trash out, and start cleaning out the car. 

    I got most of the groceries put away. I think I might have a couple stray bags I need to put away that are for the pantry. 

    The greens pair up nicely with the keto meatloaf.

    Caleb also put away the clean dishes when I needed him to. We did what we could yesterday with both of us just being so drained. I think I have been pushing myself a lot this week and I know I have not been getting enough rest, especially since I had my flu shot.

    I am going to cancel our appointments at Ft.Bragg for next week. I don't have it in me to go away for a few days right now. 

    Today I am taking the dogs to the vet to get some shots. I have a call with Jana Carrey at 1700. Other than that I want to continue to clean up and cook vegetables. Today will likely be the green beans and asparagus. I will probably make a salad too. I need fresh sliced white mushrooms for salad. 

    We will keep the laundry going. My goal is to get the incline trainer cleared off so I can start walking. I still haven't done that yet. I am so happy to not have a class this quarter. I am not nearly as stressed out. I am able to relax easier. I don't feel panicked. 

    I have to schedule some time to watch the second half of the Prosperous Healer zoom meeting, watch the whole Revelation Breathwork seminar, and listen to Erica Rock's tele-call.

    I got an update on my child support case. Arkansas is working on it.

    I have only 2 more payments to Michal after this month's payment. I am happy about that. 

    I am supposed to check my blood pressure every day for at least two weeks and send my readings to my PACT team at the women's clinic at the VA to see if my dose can be adjusted. 

    I had my appointment with Dr. Kent yesterday. That went well. 

    I got triggered by the machine gunshots on Caleb's video game yesterday. It had me shaking. I have been through a number of live fire exercises that I am affected by. I may not have ever deployed, but that doesn't mean I didn't train to deploy.

    Today is Friday. I can't believe the week has flown by because I have stayed busy.  

    Bubba is awake and chewing on a squeaky toy. Caleb and Bella are sleeping in my bed.

    I am listening to Erica Rock's October tele-call now. I am awake and not ready to go back to bed.  

    I just applied for EIN. Just in case I need it. 

    It is already 0446. I need a shower pretty badly. I might hop in after this audio track is over. 

    I created my first webpage this morning. It is now 0702. I have been working on it for all this time. I'm nearly ready to share the link, but I want to wait until I get my payment link activated first. I'm getting hungry so its time for some hard boiled eggs to start my day.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!     

New Start Day 76

     It is now 0237 and I have been awake for about 30 minutes. I just registered for a call with Jana Carrey! It is for one of her programs that is ending after this iteration. Yesterday was busy day. I did not sleep well after I wrote my blog and went back to bed. I woke up around 0800 or so. I organized my papers before I went to bed. Caleb and I went to Food Lion to buy groceries so that I could meal prep after I reviewed the cookbook titled Keto Lunches by Pederson. I found a few ideas in there. I thought I would need to go through all of my keto cookbooks to get inspiration, but I only needed to get through that one before I was ready to go to store. I bought all kinds of keto-friendly vegetables. I bought the ingredients to make keto meatballs, but when I came home I realized that would take to long to cook so I made a keto meatloaf out of the recipe instead. It turned out delicious! Who would have ever thought to add unsweetened coconut flakes to meat? Not me! I began cutting green cabbage and collard greens. I had to stop before I could wash the kale because my back was hurting too much. I will pick up where I left off when I get home from my appointment this morning. I make a green cabbage, collard greens, and kale mixture that I like. It's a lot of food but I will freeze some of it for future use. I need a way to have variety in my diet as well as get enough vegetables daily. I am doing better today than yesterday, and better yesterday than the day before about getting back to ketosis. 

    I came home and needed to clean the kitchen up a bit before cooking. I cleaned the stovetop and stove front. I washed the air fryer pans and some dishes. I created my first simmer pot of the season! I boiled some eggs for my breakfast for the week ahead. I made the meatloaf from the meatball recipe. I started preparing the greens mixture to cook. Then I had my first Next Steps class with Michal. I totally did not have time for a nap beforehand! I was ok though as I was in a lot of pain and just wanted to be still. The meatloaf was ready before class started so I was able to eat dinner and take my medications which includes pain medications. 

    The zoom meeting went well. I was interested in everything that Michal and her husband Schmuel had to say. It was a very informative class. 

    It was cold all day yesterday. I wore my hoodie for most of the day.

    Caleb helped me by bringing in the groceries, taking out the trash in the kitchen, rinsing out the trash can, and putting away the clean dishes after I washed them. He helped me put away the refrigerated groceries and also helped to sweep up the kitchen floor. 

    It is now 0300 and I think I am going to prepare my medications and take them. BRB. 

    I got my oral medications and supplements down. Just waiting for them to settle in my stomach before trying to take my Victoza.

    Today I have my Covid-19 shot appointment. I also have an appointment with Dr. Kent. Later on tonight I have two things at the same time happening. One is Erica Rock's energy transmission and the other is the business seminar of Revelation Breathwork. I might have to rest early tonight. I do not know if I will make it through the whole business class. We will see. If I make it a point to rest maybe I won't be so tired by then. The only thing is I was going to do more cooking and cleaning today. I have laundry to wash and more dishes to wash. I want to cook several vegetables today so that takes time and energy too. 

    I think my back was hurting from pooping multiple times yesterday. Blueberries by the pound will do it! What an awesome, simple, and cost-effective way to cleanse!

    My flu shot injection site is swollen and itchy. 

    I bought some shaper tops from a variety of brands to see what fits me best and feels good to wear. I am trying to correct my posture but I need to do exercise to strengthen my body to do that. 

    I got stuck in my bathroom book. I am in a part where I need to write down my answers. I don't have paper and a pen in the bathroom to write with. 

    I am really excited about the Next Steps Program, the Breathwork Facilitator Program, and the Prosperous Healer program. 

    I didn't really talk to my dad that much yesterday. I was too busy getting my stuff done.

    Tomorrow I have a phone appointment with Jana Carrey about doing her mentorship program. I wonder what she will say.

    I am really feeling pulled to alternative healing modalities right now. I don't think I should try to complete my Master's degree at Capella. I think I should complete the training I am currently in and then complete the programs I bought in the past that I never finished. It just makes more sense to me at this point. I am not having fibromyalgia flare-ups right because I am not in the same kind of distress I was in while taking a class at Capella. 

    Besides I am training Caleb and trying to take care of my other responsibilities. I get really behind when I have fibromyalgia flare-ups. It's awful. Getting behind then adds to my distress. I can actually say I am healthier when I am not taking a class at Capella due to the distress it causes me throughout the quarter. 

    I am planning a trip to Lumberton on Monday because I have an appointment at Ft. Bragg on Tuesday to have my DoD ID card renewed. I hate that I have to go all the way over there to get this done, but it is what it is. 

    I have to update my biomarkers spreadsheet for Dr. Kent to review. I don't have anything else on my mind right now so I think I am good to go.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!

New Start Day 75

     It is now 0139 and I have been awake for about 40 minutes or so. I have been organizing my documents into folders and binders. I finally got my schoolwork into a binder. So many papers and nowhere to put them.

    Yesterday I could not go back to sleep so I got up. When I did, so did Caleb. It was maybe 0400 in the morning and we were both up. I had nothing to do because I had already brain dumped into my blog. Caleb just played his computer games. Eventually I checked my bank account to see that I had been paid so I decided to go ahead and pay the bills. That takes me a long time. It's not just a matter of paying the bills because I like to keep track of the balances on all my accounts periodically. So instead of just paying what is due and being done, I check on all my accounts and update my spreadsheet I created. I also budgeted for next month and made plans in advance of how I would schedule payments for next month. I decided to close a few accounts I no longer wanted or no longer needed. One of those accounts was for A Children's Place. Since Caleb is now wearing men's sizes, we have no need for children's clothes anymore. The account has been paid off for quite some time. The other two accounts were also paid off and required either a monthly fee, an annual fee, or a mixture. I closed them because now I have no need for them and have been able to get better cards without fees since opening those accounts. There are only two more cards that require an annual fee that I want to close in the future but I want to pay them off before I close them. I am trying to build a good credit report without paying extra fees. The next thing I will use to determine whether to keep a card or close it will be looking at the interest rate I'm being charged. It should be mentioned that if you have a good credit history sometimes things like fees and interest rates can be negotiated by calling customer service. When I closed one of my cards of two that I had with the same credit card company, they offered to remove the monthly fee for 6 months. My objective is to get the best deal I can. I want no-fee cards with low interest rates.

    I spent a couple of hours taking care of the bills and credit card closures. When I was done it was time for my appointment with Coach Brandi to give her Reiki. I feel like the appointment was extremely easy for me and was a positive experience for both of us. For this appointment I called Brandi at the beginning and at the end of the session. I was able to complete the session without being observed and that allowed me to speak the Reiki mantras and symbols as much as I needed without worrying. In an in-person treatment, I am supposed to be relatively silent and not heard. I am not to share the mantras or symbols I have learned in training. This is supposed to protect the practice of Reiki to keep in within the community of those who have been trained and attuned. The next appointment we have I would like to have a playlist ready and do the session by zoom meeting. I have to learn to initiate a zoom meeting and to share the audio first.

    I called my dad after the session was complete. He was angry at the people he is surrounded by, by the community he lives in. I did not take on his energy. I did not like hearing him because it went from one topic to another and before you know it he was talking about how to raise Caleb to keep him from becoming like the people he is surrounded by. He said things like I need to keep control over Caleb even after he goes into the Army so he does not end up marrying "Mary suck me so long" with 12 kids and then they want to move in with me. Does this sound like a conversation between father and daughter about the grandson? I couldn't wait to end that call. 

    We then went out to pay the water bill. After that we came home and I cleaned up a small space in the kitchen to prepare dinner. I made a chuck roast with tri-color bell peppers and vidalia onions in the crockpot. I just ate leftover pizza for lunch. By then it was already 1300. I was tired and needed to rest so I went to try to take a nap. I did not fall asleep. I got up around 1515 or so. I was still very tired and did not have the motivation to clean like I wanted. I waited until dinner was ready, although I did not eat it, and went to bed early after taking my medications. 

    I am just so thirsty this morning. I think I'm going to take my medications and supplements now. BRB.

    I took most of my medications. I am listening to Jana Carrey's "Journey to the Magdalene Rose Priestess Temple." Her guided meditations last about 2 hours. I have not heard this one before. It opened with Seal's "Kiss by a Rose." I remember when that song was released. It made me happy and want to sing.

    Today we do not have any appointments during the day. I have the first Next Steps meeting tonight. Monday night I made sure to add all the dates from the Next Steps Program, Revelation Breathwork Facilitator Program, and the Prosperous Healer program into my calendar. I'm going to stay busy during my break! Like wowza! Who would have thought that I wouldn't actually be resting completely and just focusing on Caleb's homeschooling completely? I totally thought that is how this season was going to play out. 

    I need to update my biomarkers spreadsheet for my appointment with Dr.Kent on Thursday. I have my Covid-19 booster appointment on Thursday morning. I also have the Revelation Breathwork seminar on Thursday. Erica Rock's tele-call is happening at the same time as the seminar.

    I am trying to get as much done as far as the house cleaning is concerned before we leave for Lumberton on Monday. We have so much laundry to wash. I don't even know how I get so behind.

    My arm isn't bothering me where I had my flu shot. I don't feel like death walking. I'm happy about that. I think it helped to eat carbs. I had a lot of blueberries between yesterday and today. I have eaten so badly since Friday. I feel ready to get back on track. It's just not easy to maintain the keto diet. I have a small library of keto cookbooks that I bought, but have not read. I need to get some new meals into my routine. I have just wanted to keep things simple and uncomplicated. I have avoided trying new meals because I hate following recipes. I don't understand recipes. I have a problem understanding language and it gets in my way. If I give myself grace. and allow myself to take my time, I can accomplish anything I try. I just have to give myself the time and patience I give everyone else. 

    I have all these new meal replacement shakes to try now too. I am looking forward to making them a part of my new routine. I am looking forward to start exercising in the forms of yoga and walking. I just want to move forward. I am ready. I need support. I wish I could get Caleb to understand how important his support is. I can't do everything by myself all of the time. I need rest sometimes. I need help sometimes. 

    I received my red light therapy waist band yesterday. I have not opened the package yet. 

    It was colder outside yesterday. I am ready to be able to wear my new coats. I will be wearing a coat with my slide-on sandals! LOL I love my Sootheez sandals. I just have so much less back pain when I wear them compared to wearing my other shoes. Bonus: I don't have to wear socks! 

    I am wearing my new Harry Potter hoodie lately. It's a thin sweatshirt so it's not overly warm. I hate being hot and sweaty.

    I made some statements yesterday to a Facebook friend of mine that kind of wear like "Where did that come from?" It was like I was typing without thinking because I am so relaxed with her. The original post I wrote was "Found out today that I've been too old to enlist in the Army for 4 years now. It's a sad realization." Later we were talking about what our MOS's were and about what we did in the Army. I did not know she was an Army veteran too. I knew she was a veteran, but I did not know she was an Army veteran. She served in a different conflict era than I did. She is older than I am. I'm just going to share my end of the conversation we had.

    "You were in the Army too? What was your MOS?

    68W combat medic then 92Y unit supply (my jobs)

    ... I served in Korea.

    I never deployed. I had Caleb before I got orders for Ft. Stewart. I had a gut feeling I would deploy as soon as I in-processed and decided to chapter out and go to college.

    Served 2006-2010.

    ... I had plans to go to nursing school. After my experience in combat medic training I realized that healthcare professions were not for me, especially after working  so hard to become an EMT-basic. Takes a huge toll on me. I didn't have boundaries to protect myself at the time. I had panic attack while at Ft. Sam Houston. Adrenaline ran high all day and all night. Couldn't sleep. Just became super aware of dangers and the urge to save lives.

    I studied business administration instead.

    Some of my C-PTSD is from all the scenarios in my head and training for war time life saving under fire.

    I imagined the worst.

    I couldn't let go of the idea that I wouldn't be able to save everyone from everything. I developed a god-complex out of my good heart. I just wanted everyone safe and healthy even if it meant my life."

    So that's what I said. I feel like I've said it before now that I'm focusing on it. 

    Anyway, I'm still listening to this guided meditation. It's now 0314. 

    Maybe one day I'll write more about my life experiences from my past that brought me to the place I currently am. There are so many stories. I don't remember what I've already written. I forget what I write nearly as soon as I write it. I might be repeating myself a lot. That will likely be because the same memories come up over the time that I'm blogging. I don't normally choose what I write. I am guided to express things that come up at these odd hours in the early morning. In the circles I follow, these hours are known to be the calling of the spirit world. 

    I am not able to give this meditation my full attention today. I feel more like only putting one foot into it. It happens that way sometimes. Sometimes I am not ready for the full experience. Up until now, I have had a lot of fear to contend with. I know I am safe, but my monkey brain thinks otherwise. That's why I have to take anxiety medication throughout the day these days. 

    I have a lot to offer anybody who is willing to listen. I hope to create some positive ripple effects by blogging. I hope to be a beacon of light for people lost in the darkness. We are never truly alone, although it may feel like it. 

    I am planting a lot of seeds for myself just by being open to these meditations and songs I listen to. Just by being willing to show up for the classes I have taken so far, I have made so much progress. I have had to revoke contracts that I made that connected me to other people, including my dad. I have had to break free from the social-emotional conditioning that I have received this far. I have had to become aware by remembering my past, even the hurtful parts. I am building myself into the person I wish to become. There is no separation between me and Source. I have always been worthy of love, although I have not experienced it in the way I want. I will always be worthy of love no matter what I do. I am a powerful source of light. I can heal myself. I am healing myself. 

    I will continue to work on myself. I will never really quit. I may need to take breaks, but I will never quit. I am making the most of this lifetime. My intention is to lead Caleb to know his worth and his place on Earth in a way that he can integrate it at an early age. I have always shown him love to the best of my ability. I do not want him to struggle with his place in the world like I did. He can spend more of life happy and content knowing that he is always worthy of love. No one can take that away from him. He will always have his own light. He can heal himself too. The power resides within him, like all of us. We are all connected. We are interdependent with groups of people leading other groups of people to higher ascension. 

    I have been having a hard time with Caleb lately because I am focused on tasks he is not interested in. He is, by his own words, "lazy." I know work needs to be done and strive to get it done efficiently. He does not have the same push driving him, no matter how many times I explain why things are important to do. Part of this is being a teenager. I never wanted to do my chores, but I always got them done. I knew that my weekends depended on me getting my weekly chores done on Friday night. I knew that my freedom was determined by my actions throughout the week. I was allowed to do things on the weekend if I was "good." Things are different between Caleb and me than me, my dad, and step-mom. I know Caleb is Autistic, has ADHD, and has a writing disability. I am with Caleb 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I have a lot more patience with him than most people do. He is my son, and I love him. I know that he is delayed in his mental growth. He has been since an early age when I first began noticing symptoms of Autism. I am determined to get the messages across to him without being mean, abusive, or outright evil. I was not granted the same respect from my parents. 

    I am not on the same timeline as parents of children who are neuro-typical. I am on a completely different timeline that will be covered in divine grace. I will move as Caleb is ready. He will not be pushed from grade to grade without knowing what he needs to know anymore. He will not be without the support he needs to complete his educational requirements that are deemed as such by the society we live in. We will take as long as it takes. I am willing to give him everything I have to give, time and energy included. He is my son. I value him and his progress at the rate in which he can receive and integrate knowledge. I will not allow others to deter me. I will not allow social conditioning to determine how I handle what is an individual-specific training plan. Do I believe he needs training? Of course. Life is hard. I don't believe I should abuse my disabled son in order to make good grades. I will not hit him. I never have. I never will. 

    I say these things because I have had experiences where it has been inferred that I should take physical action to discipline Caleb. One person who advocates for, in his own words, "being an asshole" is my dad. He hit both Mathew and me. There was a time when my dad broke Mathew's nose. He had to have surgery to correct it years later. I mean I will strive to not act out in anger toward Caleb. I will strive to be disciplined in how I  communicate with Caleb and how I treat him. I will treat him like I love him at all costs because I do. I will not rage, like my dad did. I will not give in to the desire to be physically violent, like my dad did. I will not have the cops called on me for domestic violence, like my dad did. I will act with love as my intention through all things. I will be a leader for Caleb. I will create an environment of trust with Caleb. I will have a good relationship with Caleb. I will love Caleb, my only child. 

    I will never willingly leave Caleb. I never have. I will always be there for Caleb. I will celebrate his wins with him, and I will comfort him when he needs it. He will always be safe in my presence. I will teach him everything I can. I will not leave him guessing if I love him or not. He will not suffer abandonment from me. He will know he is important. I will give him my time and energy. He does not need to perform and be "good" without flaws for me to love him. He is loved as he is. 

    Do I get upset sometimes? 

    Yes. 

    Do I get angry sometimes? 

    Yes. 

    Do I get frustrated sometimes? 

    Yes. 

    Do I get annoyed sometimes? 

    Yes. 

    Do I get burned out sometimes? 

    Yes.

    Caleb is a young human who is learning how to maneuver through this existence. I am an older human and still learning to maneuver through this existence. I respect where are, from my heart, in our learning processes. Caleb does not have to maintain the matrix of our reality. Being different is a gift. We should respect everyone's differences and honor them. His diagnoses do not predict his future. They are descriptive medical terms on a form of difference he has. Knowing how he is different explains a lot of his behaviors and sheds light on how to better manage the unwanted parts. Those parts are up to him to decide if they are wanted or unwanted, not society at large, and not by me. It is my job to teach him how to function in a way that respects his differences as well as respects and honors my differences.

    The phrase "Give a man a fish, he eats for one day. Teach a man to fish, he eats every day" comes to mind here.   

    I do not agree with my dad that I should control my son. It is my job to teach him how to make good decisions. It is my job to teach him how to use his brain to make choices that are within the law and rules of safety and fairness. It is not my job to micro-manage his very existence into telling him everything so that he does not think on his own or does not make decisions that are right for him. It is my job to teach him how to respect others and their property. It is my job to teach him to be honest. It is my job to develop confidence in himself. It is my job to teach him to question authority when decisions are being made against our morals and core being. If I do these things, he will not need me to tell him what to do, when to do it, how to do it, if to do it, or why to do it. This does not apply to all things, but generally speaking I should be able to lead Caleb to become an outstanding American citizen and citizen of the world. 

    Caleb has been taught my values since he could understand language. I live by the Army values: LDRSHIP.

    Loyalty

    Duty

    Respect

    Selfless Service

    Honor

    Integrity

    Personal Courage

    If I teach him what I believe, he will be ok, and much better off than some automaton. Am I making myself clear? My dad was abusive. Can you see that? My dad is still abusive. 

    It is only a matter of years before Caleb will be legally responsible for himself. He needs to know about money, personal finance, taxes, banking, and overall money security and responsibility. He needs to know how to think critically and to not take things at face value. He needs a good understanding of math and science as well as history. He needs to understand politics and develop his own opinions about the world we live in. He needs to know how the government works and our place in the world. He needs a love of reading, music, and video watching. He needs to know how to react when he is overstimulated, and how to manage when he is understimulated. He needs to understand how his brain works differently than someone who is neurotypical. He needs to know social skills and effective communication techniques. 

    All this is basic adulting preparation. He learns something from me every day. Like I said earlier, I have a lot to offer to anyone who is willing to listen. Speaking of which I need to teach him how to be a good listener too. 

    It is already 0437. I can't believe I have been writing for this long already. I am wide awake. I could go rest though. Anyway, I just think it is my job to teach Caleb where he is and inspire him to make things better. I want to inspire him to make changes that will help him grow. 

    I  think I am done for today. I already forgot what I have going on today. Time for a break.

    Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!