It is now 0139 and I have been awake for about 40 minutes or so. I have been organizing my documents into folders and binders. I finally got my schoolwork into a binder. So many papers and nowhere to put them.
Yesterday I could not go back to sleep so I got up. When I did, so did Caleb. It was maybe 0400 in the morning and we were both up. I had nothing to do because I had already brain dumped into my blog. Caleb just played his computer games. Eventually I checked my bank account to see that I had been paid so I decided to go ahead and pay the bills. That takes me a long time. It's not just a matter of paying the bills because I like to keep track of the balances on all my accounts periodically. So instead of just paying what is due and being done, I check on all my accounts and update my spreadsheet I created. I also budgeted for next month and made plans in advance of how I would schedule payments for next month. I decided to close a few accounts I no longer wanted or no longer needed. One of those accounts was for A Children's Place. Since Caleb is now wearing men's sizes, we have no need for children's clothes anymore. The account has been paid off for quite some time. The other two accounts were also paid off and required either a monthly fee, an annual fee, or a mixture. I closed them because now I have no need for them and have been able to get better cards without fees since opening those accounts. There are only two more cards that require an annual fee that I want to close in the future but I want to pay them off before I close them. I am trying to build a good credit report without paying extra fees. The next thing I will use to determine whether to keep a card or close it will be looking at the interest rate I'm being charged. It should be mentioned that if you have a good credit history sometimes things like fees and interest rates can be negotiated by calling customer service. When I closed one of my cards of two that I had with the same credit card company, they offered to remove the monthly fee for 6 months. My objective is to get the best deal I can. I want no-fee cards with low interest rates.
I spent a couple of hours taking care of the bills and credit card closures. When I was done it was time for my appointment with Coach Brandi to give her Reiki. I feel like the appointment was extremely easy for me and was a positive experience for both of us. For this appointment I called Brandi at the beginning and at the end of the session. I was able to complete the session without being observed and that allowed me to speak the Reiki mantras and symbols as much as I needed without worrying. In an in-person treatment, I am supposed to be relatively silent and not heard. I am not to share the mantras or symbols I have learned in training. This is supposed to protect the practice of Reiki to keep in within the community of those who have been trained and attuned. The next appointment we have I would like to have a playlist ready and do the session by zoom meeting. I have to learn to initiate a zoom meeting and to share the audio first.
I called my dad after the session was complete. He was angry at the people he is surrounded by, by the community he lives in. I did not take on his energy. I did not like hearing him because it went from one topic to another and before you know it he was talking about how to raise Caleb to keep him from becoming like the people he is surrounded by. He said things like I need to keep control over Caleb even after he goes into the Army so he does not end up marrying "Mary suck me so long" with 12 kids and then they want to move in with me. Does this sound like a conversation between father and daughter about the grandson? I couldn't wait to end that call.
We then went out to pay the water bill. After that we came home and I cleaned up a small space in the kitchen to prepare dinner. I made a chuck roast with tri-color bell peppers and vidalia onions in the crockpot. I just ate leftover pizza for lunch. By then it was already 1300. I was tired and needed to rest so I went to try to take a nap. I did not fall asleep. I got up around 1515 or so. I was still very tired and did not have the motivation to clean like I wanted. I waited until dinner was ready, although I did not eat it, and went to bed early after taking my medications.
I am just so thirsty this morning. I think I'm going to take my medications and supplements now. BRB.
I took most of my medications. I am listening to Jana Carrey's "Journey to the Magdalene Rose Priestess Temple." Her guided meditations last about 2 hours. I have not heard this one before. It opened with Seal's "Kiss by a Rose." I remember when that song was released. It made me happy and want to sing.
Today we do not have any appointments during the day. I have the first Next Steps meeting tonight. Monday night I made sure to add all the dates from the Next Steps Program, Revelation Breathwork Facilitator Program, and the Prosperous Healer program into my calendar. I'm going to stay busy during my break! Like wowza! Who would have thought that I wouldn't actually be resting completely and just focusing on Caleb's homeschooling completely? I totally thought that is how this season was going to play out.
I need to update my biomarkers spreadsheet for my appointment with Dr.Kent on Thursday. I have my Covid-19 booster appointment on Thursday morning. I also have the Revelation Breathwork seminar on Thursday. Erica Rock's tele-call is happening at the same time as the seminar.
I am trying to get as much done as far as the house cleaning is concerned before we leave for Lumberton on Monday. We have so much laundry to wash. I don't even know how I get so behind.
My arm isn't bothering me where I had my flu shot. I don't feel like death walking. I'm happy about that. I think it helped to eat carbs. I had a lot of blueberries between yesterday and today. I have eaten so badly since Friday. I feel ready to get back on track. It's just not easy to maintain the keto diet. I have a small library of keto cookbooks that I bought, but have not read. I need to get some new meals into my routine. I have just wanted to keep things simple and uncomplicated. I have avoided trying new meals because I hate following recipes. I don't understand recipes. I have a problem understanding language and it gets in my way. If I give myself grace. and allow myself to take my time, I can accomplish anything I try. I just have to give myself the time and patience I give everyone else.
I have all these new meal replacement shakes to try now too. I am looking forward to making them a part of my new routine. I am looking forward to start exercising in the forms of yoga and walking. I just want to move forward. I am ready. I need support. I wish I could get Caleb to understand how important his support is. I can't do everything by myself all of the time. I need rest sometimes. I need help sometimes.
I received my red light therapy waist band yesterday. I have not opened the package yet.
It was colder outside yesterday. I am ready to be able to wear my new coats. I will be wearing a coat with my slide-on sandals! LOL I love my Sootheez sandals. I just have so much less back pain when I wear them compared to wearing my other shoes. Bonus: I don't have to wear socks!
I am wearing my new Harry Potter hoodie lately. It's a thin sweatshirt so it's not overly warm. I hate being hot and sweaty.
I made some statements yesterday to a Facebook friend of mine that kind of wear like "Where did that come from?" It was like I was typing without thinking because I am so relaxed with her. The original post I wrote was "Found out today that I've been too old to enlist in the Army for 4 years now. It's a sad realization." Later we were talking about what our MOS's were and about what we did in the Army. I did not know she was an Army veteran too. I knew she was a veteran, but I did not know she was an Army veteran. She served in a different conflict era than I did. She is older than I am. I'm just going to share my end of the conversation we had.
"You were in the Army too? What was your MOS?
68W combat medic then 92Y unit supply (my jobs)
... I served in Korea.
I never deployed. I had Caleb before I got orders for Ft. Stewart. I had a gut feeling I would deploy as soon as I in-processed and decided to chapter out and go to college.
Served 2006-2010.
... I had plans to go to nursing school. After my experience in combat medic training I realized that healthcare professions were not for me, especially after working so hard to become an EMT-basic. Takes a huge toll on me. I didn't have boundaries to protect myself at the time. I had panic attack while at Ft. Sam Houston. Adrenaline ran high all day and all night. Couldn't sleep. Just became super aware of dangers and the urge to save lives.
I studied business administration instead.
Some of my C-PTSD is from all the scenarios in my head and training for war time life saving under fire.
I imagined the worst.
I couldn't let go of the idea that I wouldn't be able to save everyone from everything. I developed a god-complex out of my good heart. I just wanted everyone safe and healthy even if it meant my life."
So that's what I said. I feel like I've said it before now that I'm focusing on it.
Anyway, I'm still listening to this guided meditation. It's now 0314.
Maybe one day I'll write more about my life experiences from my past that brought me to the place I currently am. There are so many stories. I don't remember what I've already written. I forget what I write nearly as soon as I write it. I might be repeating myself a lot. That will likely be because the same memories come up over the time that I'm blogging. I don't normally choose what I write. I am guided to express things that come up at these odd hours in the early morning. In the circles I follow, these hours are known to be the calling of the spirit world.
I am not able to give this meditation my full attention today. I feel more like only putting one foot into it. It happens that way sometimes. Sometimes I am not ready for the full experience. Up until now, I have had a lot of fear to contend with. I know I am safe, but my monkey brain thinks otherwise. That's why I have to take anxiety medication throughout the day these days.
I have a lot to offer anybody who is willing to listen. I hope to create some positive ripple effects by blogging. I hope to be a beacon of light for people lost in the darkness. We are never truly alone, although it may feel like it.
I am planting a lot of seeds for myself just by being open to these meditations and songs I listen to. Just by being willing to show up for the classes I have taken so far, I have made so much progress. I have had to revoke contracts that I made that connected me to other people, including my dad. I have had to break free from the social-emotional conditioning that I have received this far. I have had to become aware by remembering my past, even the hurtful parts. I am building myself into the person I wish to become. There is no separation between me and Source. I have always been worthy of love, although I have not experienced it in the way I want. I will always be worthy of love no matter what I do. I am a powerful source of light. I can heal myself. I am healing myself.
I will continue to work on myself. I will never really quit. I may need to take breaks, but I will never quit. I am making the most of this lifetime. My intention is to lead Caleb to know his worth and his place on Earth in a way that he can integrate it at an early age. I have always shown him love to the best of my ability. I do not want him to struggle with his place in the world like I did. He can spend more of life happy and content knowing that he is always worthy of love. No one can take that away from him. He will always have his own light. He can heal himself too. The power resides within him, like all of us. We are all connected. We are interdependent with groups of people leading other groups of people to higher ascension.
I have been having a hard time with Caleb lately because I am focused on tasks he is not interested in. He is, by his own words, "lazy." I know work needs to be done and strive to get it done efficiently. He does not have the same push driving him, no matter how many times I explain why things are important to do. Part of this is being a teenager. I never wanted to do my chores, but I always got them done. I knew that my weekends depended on me getting my weekly chores done on Friday night. I knew that my freedom was determined by my actions throughout the week. I was allowed to do things on the weekend if I was "good." Things are different between Caleb and me than me, my dad, and step-mom. I know Caleb is Autistic, has ADHD, and has a writing disability. I am with Caleb 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I have a lot more patience with him than most people do. He is my son, and I love him. I know that he is delayed in his mental growth. He has been since an early age when I first began noticing symptoms of Autism. I am determined to get the messages across to him without being mean, abusive, or outright evil. I was not granted the same respect from my parents.
I am not on the same timeline as parents of children who are neuro-typical. I am on a completely different timeline that will be covered in divine grace. I will move as Caleb is ready. He will not be pushed from grade to grade without knowing what he needs to know anymore. He will not be without the support he needs to complete his educational requirements that are deemed as such by the society we live in. We will take as long as it takes. I am willing to give him everything I have to give, time and energy included. He is my son. I value him and his progress at the rate in which he can receive and integrate knowledge. I will not allow others to deter me. I will not allow social conditioning to determine how I handle what is an individual-specific training plan. Do I believe he needs training? Of course. Life is hard. I don't believe I should abuse my disabled son in order to make good grades. I will not hit him. I never have. I never will.
I say these things because I have had experiences where it has been inferred that I should take physical action to discipline Caleb. One person who advocates for, in his own words, "being an asshole" is my dad. He hit both Mathew and me. There was a time when my dad broke Mathew's nose. He had to have surgery to correct it years later. I mean I will strive to not act out in anger toward Caleb. I will strive to be disciplined in how I communicate with Caleb and how I treat him. I will treat him like I love him at all costs because I do. I will not rage, like my dad did. I will not give in to the desire to be physically violent, like my dad did. I will not have the cops called on me for domestic violence, like my dad did. I will act with love as my intention through all things. I will be a leader for Caleb. I will create an environment of trust with Caleb. I will have a good relationship with Caleb. I will love Caleb, my only child.
I will never willingly leave Caleb. I never have. I will always be there for Caleb. I will celebrate his wins with him, and I will comfort him when he needs it. He will always be safe in my presence. I will teach him everything I can. I will not leave him guessing if I love him or not. He will not suffer abandonment from me. He will know he is important. I will give him my time and energy. He does not need to perform and be "good" without flaws for me to love him. He is loved as he is.
Do I get upset sometimes?
Yes.
Do I get angry sometimes?
Yes.
Do I get frustrated sometimes?
Yes.
Do I get annoyed sometimes?
Yes.
Do I get burned out sometimes?
Yes.
Caleb is a young human who is learning how to maneuver through this existence. I am an older human and still learning to maneuver through this existence. I respect where are, from my heart, in our learning processes. Caleb does not have to maintain the matrix of our reality. Being different is a gift. We should respect everyone's differences and honor them. His diagnoses do not predict his future. They are descriptive medical terms on a form of difference he has. Knowing how he is different explains a lot of his behaviors and sheds light on how to better manage the unwanted parts. Those parts are up to him to decide if they are wanted or unwanted, not society at large, and not by me. It is my job to teach him how to function in a way that respects his differences as well as respects and honors my differences.
The phrase "Give a man a fish, he eats for one day. Teach a man to fish, he eats every day" comes to mind here.
I do not agree with my dad that I should control my son. It is my job to teach him how to make good decisions. It is my job to teach him how to use his brain to make choices that are within the law and rules of safety and fairness. It is not my job to micro-manage his very existence into telling him everything so that he does not think on his own or does not make decisions that are right for him. It is my job to teach him how to respect others and their property. It is my job to teach him to be honest. It is my job to develop confidence in himself. It is my job to teach him to question authority when decisions are being made against our morals and core being. If I do these things, he will not need me to tell him what to do, when to do it, how to do it, if to do it, or why to do it. This does not apply to all things, but generally speaking I should be able to lead Caleb to become an outstanding American citizen and citizen of the world.
Caleb has been taught my values since he could understand language. I live by the Army values: LDRSHIP.
Loyalty
Duty
Respect
Selfless Service
Honor
Integrity
Personal Courage
If I teach him what I believe, he will be ok, and much better off than some automaton. Am I making myself clear? My dad was abusive. Can you see that? My dad is still abusive.
It is only a matter of years before Caleb will be legally responsible for himself. He needs to know about money, personal finance, taxes, banking, and overall money security and responsibility. He needs to know how to think critically and to not take things at face value. He needs a good understanding of math and science as well as history. He needs to understand politics and develop his own opinions about the world we live in. He needs to know how the government works and our place in the world. He needs a love of reading, music, and video watching. He needs to know how to react when he is overstimulated, and how to manage when he is understimulated. He needs to understand how his brain works differently than someone who is neurotypical. He needs to know social skills and effective communication techniques.
All this is basic adulting preparation. He learns something from me every day. Like I said earlier, I have a lot to offer to anyone who is willing to listen. Speaking of which I need to teach him how to be a good listener too.
It is already 0437. I can't believe I have been writing for this long already. I am wide awake. I could go rest though. Anyway, I just think it is my job to teach Caleb where he is and inspire him to make things better. I want to inspire him to make changes that will help him grow.
I think I am done for today. I already forgot what I have going on today. Time for a break.
Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!
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