It is now 2356 and I have been up for a few minutes. I keep waking up even though I am very tired. Today was a busy and productive day. I had a call with Michal about joining the Next Steps program, and was given a full scholarship! I then had an appointment to get my flu shot at CVS. The battery was dead in the Mazda and I had to jumpstart it before I left home. From there we went to Walmart to restock on drinks. After that, I put gas in the Mazda and went home.
Caleb brought in the groceries. I brought in the trash and recycling bins back to the house and began picking up the recycling we collected over the weekend. I worked with the radio on and got the walkway cleared of trash Bubba created when he tore up his bed. I vacuumed the path and created a clean space to set all the drinks we just bought. It was tedious work but I'm glad I got started. I still have a lot to catch up on since I never really caught up, and Caleb never did what I told him to do.
I ordered Domino's for dinner because I was tired and needed something to eat for dinner. I had my first "The Prosperous Healer" class with Jason from Revelation Breathwork last night. I didn't make it through the whole class because I was sleepy from not having a nap earlier. I left the class in the middle, around 8:00pm, to go to bed.
Saturday and Sunday I participated in the Revelation Breathwork Facilitator Program from noon to 1930. I did not get anything else done over the weekend, but that's ok. I ordered Domino's Friday-Monday. I did what I had to do to keep us from being hungry and not trying to do everything my self.
Saturday I did my first Breathwork session and Breathwork Facilitator session. Sunday I did my first Breathworknsession with Primal Scream and facilitated one too. I scared the shit out of Caleb. He said he almost cried. Both the dogs came to me to find out what was wrong and give me some love. I did my warrior battle cry when I did my primal scream. So yeah, it's loud, forceful, and scary. I felt an orb over my chest right before I did that. It was the size of my crystal ball and blue, right over my heart center. I screamed from that place in my heart.
Friday was my official last day of class. I rested, if I remember correctly. I finally got a shower on Sunday.
I will stay busy on my break from school. I may need a break from my break! I haven't decided if I want to go back to school. Capella University is a great place, but I hate my reaction to deadlines , homework, papers, and tests. I have too many worries, anxiety, and stress over them. I even caused myself so many fibromyalgia flare-ups and a panic attack with chest pain.
I am studying to be a Breathwork Facilitator through December. I am taking the Prosperous Healer class through then too. Michal's Next Steps program runs through January. Then I also have all those field trips planned and we have the holidays coming up.
I scheduled my Covid-booster shot. Caleb and I both have medical appointments in the future. I need to schedule Bella and Bubba to get their flu shots and maybe others too.
I feel happier not being in school. Yes I am still taking classes but I am actively engaging with people during the zoom calls. I don't have to write papers or take any tests.
I think I want to listen to Erica Rock's September tele-call. It's been awhile since I have meditated. I have not been staying up because I have been so tired. I have not been sleeping well.
Robbie Coltrane, the actor who played Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies, died a few days ago. It was a sad day.
In a conversation I had with Caleb, I told him, "Just because I can not do everything all the time does not mean I can't do some things some of the time." He was trying to tell me to let him clean up, and for me to rest. I was working hard to squat and bend over to pick stuff up off the floor yesterday. I wanted to get laundry done, and work on the kitchen as well. He wanted me to leave most of the work to him, but I told him that he doesn't get the work done when I tell him to do it. He saw that I was hurting myself to get the work done, and didn't want me to continue.
I messaged my Virta coach yesterday.
“I’m taking a break. I just need to transition from some things to some other things. Food is my preferred and always reliable way to ground myself. I completed my first Master’s degree class Friday. Started a new program learning breathwork Saturday. Spent all weekend in training. Things are moving so fast into long awaited and much needed changes. I also celebrate my win with food. The change of season encourages me to eat more. I naturally want to hibernate although I have been much more active since beginning this “break”. I just need to give myself permission to enjoy foods I have had to give up temporarily. I actually feel more energetic and I need that energy to accomplish everything set out in front of me right now. It’s not a long break as I don’t want to reverse the hard work I have put into the program this far. My brain is screaming to rest. I think nonstop about food on this eating plan. I’m taking a break from that too. Everything I eat has to be planned to maximize ketones and keep sugar low. It’s exhausting. Just being real. I’ve got what it takes to continue, but first a rest from the stress of it all. And recovery and finding my motivation again. Enjoying not eating the same things in my routine. Allowing someone else to cook for me. Not having to carry the weight of being a single parent with all these responsibilities. Ugh! I’m dying over here in my own mess. I’m taking a break from that too. I’m finding myself again. The warrior me. The me that doesn’t quit. The motivated me. The confident me. The me that keeps pushing. Thank you for your support."
I just wanted to let her know that I needed a break right now. I tried to convey how stressful it is to stay on this diet. I think about what I am eating or what I am going to eat all throughout the day. It's exhausting.
I wrote this post on Facebook in response to someone's original post in a group I belong to:
“I’m 39. I’ve learned a lot in my life, and maybe this will resonate with you. We are not always ready for what we say we want. Trust in divine timing. Life is not to be measured against each other for we each are here on our own soul’s mission. If it is meant for you to find a partner, you will in divine timing. For now, heal what is inside that causes you turmoil and disheartening. Open yourself to possibilities and imagine a brighter future. With love and light, Jennifer”
Some people know how to misinterpret flawlessly. I had to block someone for what I believe to be trolling and instigating with a severe lack of respect for both the original poster and myself.
I’m proud of myself. I reacted differently today than I would have in my past. I was not swayed. I even laughed!
When will the hate end?
I took a photo this weekend too.
I feel beautiful in this photo, and fresh because I just took a shower. I love this photo.
I need to take more photos of Caleb with me and the dogs.
Today I have an appointment with Coach Brandi to give her Reiki. It will be my first experience sending Reiki to someone not in class.
Wednesday I have the first Next Steps class with Michal.Thursday I have my Covid-19 booster shot. I also have my monthly call with the VA pharmD, Dr. Kent. Erica Rocl's tele-call is Thursday night, but so is a Revelation Breathwork class.
Next Monday Caleb and I are going to Lumberton to see my dad. We gave appointments on next Tuesday in Ft. Bragg to get our DoD ID cards renewed. I also have the Prosperous Healer class on next Monday. I have a Revelation Breathwork class on next Tuesday night. I have a Next Steps class on next Wednesday night. Caleb has his flu shoot appointment on next Friday.
Anyway, the point is that I'm preparing things to go over there for next Monday and Tuesday and return Wednesday. I need Caleb to clean out the Mazda for me. He keeps leaving stuff in there that does not belong there. It's frustrating.
Today Caleb told me he doesn't think he will make it in the Army because he does not like being yelled at or yelling. I told him that it's ok, that we will find something for him. I do not want him to worry. He has growing and learning to do right now.
Speaking of which, Caleb will be starting his studies after we clean the house. I need his help to get things right after the destruction both he and Bubba caused. We will get it done faster if we work together as a team. I will start reading with him though, because that doesn't need to wait. I will let him choose from one of the banned books I bought for him. He will read a chapter a day and we will discuss the chapter daily so he can be prepared to write a book report.
I have been feeling better since Saturday morning. I am moving energy by doing the breathwork. I want to get back to my formal Reiki practice. I have been practicing my own version of Reiki every day, especially before I fall asleep.
I really enjoyed the classes this weekend. I met some interesting people. I felt safe to be myself. I felt seen and heard. I love Jason and his wife, Maura. Unfortunately Maura and one of her sons got sick Saturday night, so she was not with us on Sunday. I hope they both get better quickly. I feel loved around them.
Normally I don't last when I'm in class for so long. Classes were from noon to 1930 on both Saturday and Sunday with an hour break around 1430. I made it through both classes though! I really had a good time and learned so much.
I am so happy to be done with that Capella class. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and a huge sense of relief. My final grade was:
I do not know if I will continue to go to school. I am taking one day at a time right now. Once I get my house cleaned up, and Caleb on a regular schedule with school, things may be easier for me to manage. If I go back to school after this quarter break, I will only take one class at a time. I had such a hard time managing all my responsibilities while taking the class I just finished. I had so many fibromyalgia flare ups that it was hard to function at all. I fell behind in so many other areas of my life that now I have to catch up. I don't want to do that again. If I go back to school, I need to be grounded in Caleb's schedule. I will not try to go to school while I am taking these other classes either. I do not know when the quarter after this quarter begins. I will have to look it up to begin making plans for my future.
Jason and Maura have Master's Degrees in Spiritual Psychology. I find that interesting and may be a better fit for me. I meant to ask them where they went to school. I still have so many other classes that I have paid for that I need to complete. I don't know why I feel like I need a Master's Degree. I really don't need a a degree in Applied Behavior Analysis. I really don't.
I had a conversation with my dad today where I really spoke from my truth. He tried to cut me off and take over the conversation, but I told him to let me speak. I said something like," I feel like you blame me for being young and impressionable. I was not born into this world autonomous and independent. I was heavily influenced by experiences, my parents, and my family who all neglected me." I think that hit him hard. He had a lot to say after that, but generally what he said to bring on that response from me was a recurring statement he makes about the people I chose to be friends with when I was younger (early twenties) being trashy and not worthy of my time and energy. After a very long-winded one-sided conversation, my dad finally said what he meant to say. "I'm proud of you Jennifer."
My dad was taken to the hospital during his appointment last week. He fainted. The ER nurse told me his blood pressure was dangerously low. My dad said his blood sugar was low, but that's not the report I got from the ER nurse. He is still recovering and feeling badly, but he is at home now.
It is well known that our environment has an effect on us. Cleaning up and getting rid of things I don't need, don't want, or am not using is more important than just doing the tasks themselves. I will feel better once it is done and things are put in their proper places. I will breathe differently and feel a sense of peace I have not felt in a long time. It is really a spiritual and pyscho-emotional cleansing that is obtained through clearing the clutter. I am motivated and excited to make this happen as efficiently as possible.
I am going to organize my papers and update documents as I go along. I have learned a lot about writing in APA style this semester. I want to keep my papers for future reference.
As part of the Revelation Breathwork class, we are reading 2 books. As part of the Prosperous Healer we might be reading a book. I will receive a notebook in the mail from Michal for the Next Steps program. I am already looking at buying a portable massage table to do my Reiki and breathwork on. I am really excited because I am no longer solely focused on a single class that takes so much of my time and energy, but doing things that refill my energy and help me feel self-love.
I have decided that I want to write a book from scratch instead of just publishing my blog in book format. I want it to be more structured around topics and themes I find important.
I am listening to Erica Rock's "Forgiveness" and will follow it with all 6 other audio tracks if I stay awake that long. It is already 0135.
I look forward to January for financial reasons. As a disabled veteran I rely on VA disability and SSI to survive. There is going to be a COLA increase effective in December. That means I will have an adjustment to my payments based on the cost of living increases that happened this year. Finally I will be able to cover grocery costs. Besides that, I will be free from the monthly payment that I currently pay Michal for her services earlier this year. I went on a 12 month payment plan when I had enough money to cover the costs, and was expecting that I would continue to have rent paid by Christinia. Well, Christinia moved out over the summer, and I also did not qualify for food stamps renewal this year. She was paying me $500 per month to help offset the bills. I was getting more than $500 a month for groceries from food stamps. I lost both around the same time.
I am listening to "Peace" now.
Anyway, I lost about $1,000 worth of financial stability all at once. I have been struggling to make ends meet ever since. At the same time, gas prices went up and so did the cost of groceries. December is my last payment to Michal for the Ignite Your Light program and Reiki Master training. I will be able to pay down my debts that I created in January when my income is higher, and my bills are lower. I just have to hang in there until then.
I am taking the Next Steps program to learn about the literal next steps in creating a Reiki business of my own. I am thinking I might work for the VA one day. I think I could do that one day a week, or more if I decide to do it virtually. I think I could also offer breathwork sessions for veterans. Right now it's all about learning how to make this into a reality.
I am listening to "Love" now. I need this song at least 3 times this morning. My chest hurts as I listen to it.
I want to be comfortable in my processes so I am experimenting with Coach Brandi virtually.
I gave away some of my Torrid cash to strangers in need from a group I belong to. It was going to expire and I did not want to spend more money on clothes. I am comfortable in my Halloween style glow in the dark leggings and a t-shirt right now. I did buy another cardigan and some t shirts because once I start walking again, I will be taking more showers to wash away the sweat.
I am waiting on my neck massager devices and my red light therapy waist band. They should be here soon. I am waiting on the books I ordered Revelation Breathwork Facilitator Training.
I'm on my period week and that's what started all this Domino's ordering. I just wanted pizza and chocolate! My blood sugar sky-rocketed because I did not think to take my Metformin right away. I have since then learned better. It made me feel like being in bed and sleeping. I did not feel good.
Caleb didn't mind all the pizzas and desserts. He didn't mind me being in class either. It gave him uninterrupted screen time on his computer games.
I think I see yoga training in my future. I bought a year of Yoga-go, an app on my phone, to learn positions and create my own routines according to what I need at the time. I need to stretch so badly. I can't wait until Caleb and I get the living room cleared up to be able to do yoga together in the mornings. I still don't have the incline trainer cleared off. That needs to happen soon too. I will be able to make it happen now that I have my days free.
I am now listening to "Physical Healing."
I am really looking forward to cleaning things up to be how I want them to be. I have felt unable to make things happen and totally at Caleb's mercy due to being overwhelmed by school tasks and deadlines. I couldn't afford to stop schoolwork to handle what was really bothering me. I'm so glad to be putting things right. I'm going to need help with the extra amounts of trash and recycling. I think I'm going to ask Jonathan if he will pick up our trash and recycling that doesn't fit into the bins to the dump for us. He's a nice guy, and I pay him to help us.
I even thought hiring a service to take our extra trash for us, but I don't think I have enough trash to warrant paying like $200.
I am now listening to "Divine Grace."
I thought about hiring a cleaning service, but I don't have the extra money to pay for it. I need Caleb to gain the experience of cleaning his messes anyway.
I am wide awake. It is now 0216.
I need to find my Reiki therapy doll for later this morning. I forgot all about that, but I bought it for a reason. It makes doing virtual Reiki easier. Found it. It was right behind me in a safe space. I wish I thought to collect crystals for the purpose of this appointment. That's ok. I can always do it before next week's appointment. I need chakra energy crystals put aside for the purpose of distance Reiki.
I am now listening to "Abundance and Prosperity." I need to listen to this song a few times too. I have a lot of resistance to both ideas.
I should probably be thinking of a new business name and maybe a graphic. I'm not in a hurry.
I wonder how I am going to come up with my own playlists for breathwork. I have an iTunes subscription. I can use that, but I don't know what songs I want to use.
I decided that I am not buying any more e-juice for my e-cigarette. I'm on my last preferred bottle of e-juice now. I have others, but they are not my favorite. Maybe that will get me to slow down and quit for good.
I am now listening to "Enlightenment and Awakening."
I am getting ready to just go and relax in bed. I have typed everything on my mind! LOL
Have a blessed day, and thank you for reading!
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