5 Year Journal Day 102

      Today's prompt is " What sound effect are you most like today?" A falling bomb.

     It is 9:31 a.m. and I am just getting up. It's great! Caleb and Bella slept in my bed with me, and it was so cozy. We had a busy day yesterday. I gave Bella a Spa Day! I began with clipping her nails, and filing them. I got the message from the pharmacy that Caleb's medication was ready for pickup, so we went out for that. On the way back, we stopped at the pet supply store. I bought Bella anti-itch shampoo, canine wound spray, ear cleanse, ear mite killer, and ointment for her paws. When we got home, I took off her "jewelry" and brushed her in preparation for a bath. I filled the bathtub with a few inches of warm water for her to stand in and mixed in some anti-itch shampoo. I have to pick Bella up to get her in the bathroom and the bath tub. She weighs a good 70lbs. I carefully picked her up and brought her to the bathtub. She was good for me. She knew what I was about to do. I rubbed in between her toes to get the soapy water there. Then I rinsed her to prepare her coat for shampoo. I bathed her in the anti-itch shampoo and tried to keep it on her for the full 5 minutes the instructions called for, but I was in pain from kneeling on the hard floor. I used the ear cleanse while she was in the bath tub. I rinsed her off to make sure no more soap was left on her, and let her jump out of the bath tub towards Caleb who was waiting with a towel. 

     We both needed a break after that, but I was not done. I took a few minutes in my chair at the dining table to ease my pain. I read the instructions for the ear mite killer, and found some disposable gloves. I called Bella to me and applied the pesticide to her inner ears as instructed. Then, I sprayed her outer ears with the wound spray. She had been scratching so hard, she broke her skin. I don't know for sure she has ear mites, but I wanted to provide as much relief for her as possible and the vet's office was closed. The last thing we did was apply the ointment to her paws in between her toes and at the back of her paws where she licked them red. I am pretty sure that is because of seasonal allergies. 

     As a result of my care, she slept much better last night. I did not feel her moving around on the bed. The bed moves when she scratches and it wakes me up. 

     Today we have to finish her Spa treatment with dental care and reapplication of ointment to her paws, along with reapplication of ear mite killer to her ears. I will be buying some seasonal allergy chews for her to try as soon as I get paid. I am trying to find a way to afford a vet bill. In the meantime, I will do what I can to ease her pain and help her heal. 

     Bella was really good for me all day. She loves and trusts me, and it shows. I love her too. She earned treats along the way to show my appreciation for her cooperation.

      As payment for the Spa Day, I ate my Cantina style tortilla chips and chunky mild salsa for a snack treat. 

     I was tired after that! My body was sore from all the bending and kneeling. I did manage to start the laundry at the beginning of the day, but I forgot about it as my attention was on Bella for most of the day. 

     I forgot to use my alpha-stim again. I didn't do what was "Scheduled" for obvious reasons, but I'm ok with that. Bella needed my attention. I wish I could speak her language. I could have helped sooner. I don't look at her feet often! Poor girl! I only noticed her ears when I rubbed them the other night and felt something odd there.

     Today, I am taking it slow again. I took it slow yesterday. I couldn't rest knowing my fur baby needed me. I'm just going to take it slow again today, and try to get some laundry done. I already have one bag of Caleb's clothes to be donated set aside. There is going to be a lot more. I fight the urge to buy more for him than I had growing up, and clothes are just one of those things that I didn't have a lot of growing up. So, now he has more than he needs. Well, that, and because he he is growing fast and I had to buy a bigger size for him. 

     I've got to catch up on the dishes because once again, I have gotten behind. I do the bigger projects at the cost of doing the everyday chores. I'm going to cook a crockpot meal for tonight so I don't have to use many dishes to cook dinner. 

     Tomorrow I have an appointment with the place I get my diabetic shoes from in Wilmington in the morning. Caleb has 2 in person appointments too, but I am pretty sure they are back to back in the same office in the afternoon. I have to double check that to make sure I can make it to all our appointments on time. 

     I forgot to mention this clinical trial I was going to do for fibromyalgia. I signed up for it thinking I would be helping research happen, and that it would be paid for. They wanted me to take a test for fibromyalgia that costs $1,080! Are you out of your mind?! I don't have that kind of money lying around. Shit! Who do you think I am ? So much for that!

     Well, it's 10:23 a.m. here now, and Caleb has been up for some time. I better get going on my morning routine and get started with my day. 

5 Year Journal Day 101

      Today's prompt is "A chore you ignored today" was cleaning the kitchen. 

     It is now 5:08 a.m. here and I am awake because I have yuck mouth, had to use the bathroom, and was too warm. Yesterday I had high hopes of getting a lot done. I did not get a lot done. I started on the laundry from Caleb's room, but then I got the text message that Caleb's medications were ready for pick up from the pharmacy. We went to pick up some groceries from Walmart with the pandemic funds on my EBT card first, then went to pick them up. When I got home, I was too warm. It was hot outside. I cooled off for a while and made a giant salad. Before we left, though, I caught up on folding clean clothes I had already washed and had been sitting in baskets waiting for me (4 loads). I hurt my back from standing while I was folding and bending over, so I had to rest and recover. Anyway, by the time I sat down to eat my salad lunch, most of the day had already passed. 

     I started having second thoughts about my decision to enroll in that debt relief program. After discussing some details with my Aunt Lisa, I decided it would cause more harm than good, and cancelled the contract. I feel better about my decision now. I have worked so hard to increase my credit score, and I would be just throwing it away by following that program. Nothing worthwhile comes easily. 

     Caleb left the house while I was resting without my permission again. This time he took Bella for a walk. I got up and neither of them were inside the house. I searched the back yard, not there. I searched the front yard, not there. I used my iphone to locate Caleb and it would not load his updated location. I got in the Mazda and was going to go search for them, but as I pulled away from the house, I saw them approaching on the street. Bella was clearly overheated. I was so pissed! My fur baby was too hot. It was too hot for her to be outside, and this knucklehead is taking her for a damn walk. We quickly got inside and offered her ice water and gatorade. She was panting hard. I had words for Caleb! I almost called the police when I couldn't find them!

     In other news, Caleb is using his room more now that I've cleaned most of it. I'm happy about that. 

     Today is Saturday, and I plan on staying home all day. I am going to try to catch up on my list of things I wanted to do yesterday. I have a lot of laundry to wash and sort through. I have just a small closet in Caleb's room to pick up and shop vac. Once the laundry is washed, I can then clean the rest of the hallway. While I'm waiting for the laundry to wash, and after I clean Caleb's closet, I can work on the rest of the living room. Sounds like a good plan. I just have to rest as needed along the way. 

     Bella has been scratching her ears so much they are bleeding and scabbed. Poor girl. I just felt her ears the night before last night, and inspected them last night. Caleb was quick to apply first aid and take care of our girl. I kept her calm. Hopefully we can get them to stop itching her so badly and they can heal quickly. 

     I have a scab that is slow to heal on my left shoulder. I tore the skin off one night, without thinking. It is healing nicely though. I have a bruise that has been around for more than a week on my right knee where I accidentally hit the chest of drawers as I was walking by. This is why it's important for me to be careful. It takes forever to heal , not only because I am diabetic, but also because I have iron-deficient anemia.  

     My hair is taking forever to grow out. I can barely pull it back into a pony tail, out of my face. I'm glad to be rid of the orange ends though. They were wiry. 

     I found my missing earring from my shen men piercing that I lost! It had the back screwed on to it and everything. I was happy! I did not have any replacements for it, so I was concerned that it might close up. The shen men acupuncture point is supposed to help with anxiety. I got my ears pierced in that point when my dad was still living with me. It was more effective to get rid of the people causing the anxiety. Just saying. 

     I don't know if I mentioned this, but my electric bill skyrocketed! It was over $300 for last month! Holy shit! It was worth it to not be hot in this 90 plus degree heat though. I can't take it. It makes me feel sick. I enjoy the cold. I can't wait for cooler temperatures to come. 

     We had another month of low usage of water though! Yep. Here on the island $79 for a month's worth of water is good. That's not going over base amount of usage. When I lived in Wilmington, the water bill was never over $50 for 2 months of usage. Just an idea for reference. 

     USAA is giving another car insurance adjustment for pandemic relief. It's not much, but it's better than nothing. 

     I'm so glad for facetime. Without it, I would not be able to see my family in real time right now. I am isolated from everybody. Everybody lives so far away. 

     Ok so the Atlantic hurricane season started June 1, 2020 and ends November 30, 2020. I had to look it up. I think about hurricanes all year long. I did not realize it started so late in the summer, but I knew it ended in November. So we've got September, October, and November to get through. Please God, help us. 

     I should be getting my absentee ballot in the mail soon. They start mailing them out in North Carolina on September 4, 2020. 

     I start Yoga with the Women's Veterans' group from the VA in September online. I can't wait as I feel so much better when I do Yoga with them. It is not able-bodied yoga. It is tailored to meet our disabled bodies and minds. I do not worry with them, and I feel safe around them. 

     I have been moving around a lot this past week. It feels pretty good. I like being able to do things. I do not like being in pain. 

     Caleb is asleep on the couch. I am trying to get him to sleep in his bed. He wants Bella to sleep with him, but the funny thing is, she slept in his bed without him tonight. We placed selenite rods on his windowsill, and sprayed a sage essential oil blend on him, his window tapestry, and his bed. He requested them, and brought them to me. I did not even think about those things. I keep a small bundle of selenite by my head at night. I was at one point lighting sage every couple of weeks. I have not done it lately as I have not been in the mood, which is a s sign that I should definitely do it. I like to light incense and candles too. I usually do it after cleaning with bleach. It just resets the mood in the house. 

     I have not been using my crystals lately. I only used my tarot cards once in meditation. I don't remember to use my essential oils a lot of the time, even though I carry a pouch with several of the roller bottles in my purse. I did not use the alpha-stim yesterday. Time passed, and it just did not occur to me.

     I am proud to say that when I wasn't feeling well all of a sudden while I was cooking dinner, I did check my blood sugar AND my blood pressure. I always think it's my blood sugar, and it never is. I checked my blood sugar first. It was normal for a diabetic. I then checked my blood pressure. It was high, but I don't think it was abnormal for me. I do take medication daily for high blood pressure. I am supposed to working on losing weight, controlling my caffeine intake, managing stress, and increasing exercise to decrease my blood pressure. Well, I have come to the conclusion that I as long as I have my problems AND take these medications, I will never be able to stop drinking caffeine. I need it to stay awake during the day and supervise Caleb. I am attempting to take classes to help me manage stress, but I am falling behind in both of them. I have not really been trying to lose weight recently. I just have had enough of the bullshit. I want a balanced diet that I can live with. I am moving more recently, and have even worked up a sweat by doing house cleaning, but what do I do once I've caught up on all the cleaning? The key to what my primary care provider said about controlling my fibromyalgia flare ups is movement, regular exercise by movement. I don't have to go to a gym. I don't have to hurt myself trying to do something I'm not ready to do. I just have to move...

     I have been wearing my diabetic shoes with insoles and lift since before my podiatry appointment. I think I should be ok walking short distances on the incline trainer, if I wanted to give it a try again. I am good to do my Walmart shopping which means I walk most of the store, because I can't help but want to look around. 

     I have re-discovered Pandora and the Led Zepplin station. I wish I could hear it louder in my car. It is not loud enough, and I can't increase the volume like I can with the radio. 

     I re-start homeschooling next week. I don't know how I feel about that. I was excited at first,  but Caleb can be challenging to say the least. If he knew how much I want him to learn this stuff and get good at it, it might change his mind. I have seen other kids with ADHD and ODD having meltdowns in my parents' groups on Facebook. I know the struggle is real. Those poor kids have to sit at the computer all day. It's not conducive for a kid with ADHD and ODD to learn that way. These kids can't pull it together in a regular classroom environment, what makes educators think they will behave like a child without ADHD and ODD now that they are on the computer? I know I can't give up though. He needs my help. He cannot get the attention he needs from public school. There is just no way, and he is failing in that environment. Caleb needs me, and I need to put the armor of God on and pursue his education. 

     It is now 6:35 a.m. here. It is starting to get lighter outside. I have not heard Bella around. The tv is on and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is on. 

     I've got my work cut out for me today, so I should probably go rest for awhile. 

     

      

5 Year Journal Day 100

      Today's prompt is "Where do you feel most at home?" Uh... in my house? LOL

     Yesterday I worked on Caleb's room. I skipped both my classes in order to be able to work without interruption. Caleb had his occupational therapy appointment. The only thing I have to do now is wash all the clothes that Caleb had on the dirty floor. I am going to give the clothes that are too small for him now to his friend. 

Caleb's room : the view from the doorway.

Opposite wall.

Library in order.

     That's my progress so far. I still have to shop vac his closet and behind the door. Eventually I will get to under the bed, and might rearrange the furniture to get under it and behind it. I'm proud of myself!

     I have most of the living room cleared out too. I have to move the furniture to get underneath and around it. I still have not moved the bookcases where I want them. I plan on doing some of that work today after Caleb wakes up, and after our morning routine.  

Our new free leather chair!

Our new free Ikea bookcase! 1 of 2. The other is in the corner by the couch.

The new free leather sofa and 2 new free Ikea bookcases (in the corner). Yes, I realize it's cluttered and still needs work, but you never saw how it was before!

2 new free smaller Ikea bookcases. 

     Here are some random photos that I did not share before. 

Wearing my "new" black dress for the first time. I was just going out to a doctor's appointment, but was dying to wear a dress I bought before the corona virus broke out.

Lipstick that was found in an old purse!

My new job title as a homeschooling single mother of a child with special needs. Going back to the grind next week!

     Caleb just woke up and is in a grouchy mood. So yesterday I made a difficult financial decision to enroll in a credit relief program. I have held out for so long thinking I could pay everything back as is, but I'm not making progress quickly enough, I am paying a lot of interest and not enough principal, and a lot of my resources are being wasted. I currently have no savings in case of emergency, and have become dependent on credit cards to pay for things I should have enough money to buy like groceries and gas. Every month I am barely scraping by with pennies in my account at the end of each pay period. I have no hope of making more money as I am already overworked and over-committed. 

     I didn't want to resort to enrolling in that program because I have worked so hard to get my credit back up and am so close to where I need to be in order to refinance my house. I can't keep going like this though. This is better for the long term. I will not make the same mistakes again.

     So that was my day yesterday! Today I have to wash a ton of laundry I found on Caleb's floor. I also have to catch up on my kitchen cleaning. I want to work on the living room, once I clean Caleb's closet. At some point in the near future Bella needs a spa day. Her nails are long. I hope to have a lot done by the end of today. We have no appointments today, so that's a plus. 

     I want to get someone to install the shower faucet knob for me. I'm going to ask my friend who works in home improvement if she can help me out. 

     Mathew's promotion either happened already, or is happening soon. I don't know. Nobody' s telling me anything. 

     I am super proud of what I have been able to do in the past week. I have pushed myself hard and gotten things done that I was sure I would have to pay someone else to do. I bent , I squatted, and I shop vac'd! I hurt, but I rested, and went back to work when feeling better. 

     Well it's getting late. It is 9:25 a.m. here now. I gotta get moving and get to my morning routine.

     

5 Year Journal Day 99

      Today's prompt is "What is your secret passion?" Making people laugh. 

     It is now 2:38 a.m. here and I am awake because the power went out around 11:30 p.m. and I immediately woke up when my CPAP shut off. I wasn't able to fall back asleep.

     The power was restored within an hour of reporting it. Yesterday was a weird day for me. I slept in until about 10:00. I woke up exhausted and mentally drained. I didn't think I would be able to stay awake during the day so I drank my Dew. After completing my morning routine, I still felt like shit. I knew I had to make a decision. I could either go back to bed, and sleep all day, or I could move around and get my energy going. I chose to move around. I started with picking up junk n the hallway. I threw the clothes to the back of the hallway (close to the laundry room) and picked up the trash until I needed a break because my back was hurting. I took a break, and decided I was going to fill my sweet craving by going to the Publix and buying something. So Caleb and I went to the bakery department, and one of the bakery workers was able to show me a sugar free cinnamon cake. I decided to get that, even though I really wanted sugar. I bought Caleb some cookies. We picked up some freshly made bread and some butter and made our way home. It was hot as hell outside, as the sun had finally decided to shine upon us. It has been rainy for the last few days. 

     When we got home, I tried the sugar free cinnamon cake. I almost immediately felt more alive. My sugar must have been low, and I didn't think to check it. Feeling better, I got back to work on the hallway with the shop vac. So far I have cleared half the hallway. The other half is filled with laundry waiting to be washed. I decided I needed to start on Caleb's room if I was going to have it cleaned in time for school. I started at the doorway and worked a path to the bed. The whole floor was covered in a foot of junk piled on top of each other. I have avoided cleaning his room since ... before January. I kept pushing Caleb to clean his own room. He never did. I was able to collect some National Geographic books that I bought for Caleb's library from the disaster area that was his room, and put them in his new library space in the "classroom." I am looking for about 24 pairs of white crew socks that I bought him that have mysteriously disappeared. I am also looking for towels that have disappeared. I have to wash and sort through Caleb's clothes because they were all over the floor, and he has grown so much he has outgrown the clothes I bought him in the Spring. Anyway, I cleared about a third of the floor space, and was able to shop vac that. I am so proud of myself for working on his room finally. I really felt like I couldn't do anything at the beginning of the day, and by the end of the day I had accomplished so much!

     Meanwhile, I was washing laundry and cooking dinner in the crockpot. Multi-tasking at its finest. Caleb has already started making a mess of the living room I just cleared. He is going to have to move all his blankets, pillows, and toys to his room once his room is cleared. 

     Today I have my Wounded Warrior Project class, and my Veterans Path class. Caleb has his in person appointment with his occupational therapist. I was going to try to go Shannon's fitness studio for a yoga class, but I decided to let her know that I would not be making it. I have to get this house ready for school. I can't spend time on new stuff this week. I really want to be able to relax for at least one day this weekend, so I have to get his work completed. 

     I have to finish clearing the hallway by catching up on laundry, and shop vac-ing the floor. Then I need to pet vac the floor, and clean the carpet with the carpet cleaner. I have to finish cleaning up and organizing Caleb's room, shop the floor, pet vac the floor, and clean the carpet. I have to finish cleaning the parts of the living room that I have not reached- under the recliner, under the chair, behind the incline trainer, and around the couch. Then I need to pet vac and clean the carpet in the living room. Those are my goals right now. 

     That's what I have to do in addition to keeping up with the cleanliness of the kitchen and bathrooms. I have to eventually shop vac my room. I have to eventually clean out the guest room and move my Army stuff to the shed where Caleb can't get to it anymore. 

     I still have to move the bookcases to where they belong. I have to move books from the china cabinet to the bookcases, so I can donate the china cabinet. 

     The Mazda needs to be cleaned out. The Volvo died on me. I didn't drive it in time to keep the battery from dying. It needs to be jumped and recharged. 

     I need to contact my lawn care guy to have him weed eat the yard. 

     I received my 3 pairs of compression socks from the VA yesterday! Woop woop!

     I have fallen behind in my Veterans Path Mindfulness class. I am behind 2 classes already and will be 3 classes behind today. At 5 p/m/ I am so done with the day. It's just not a good time for me to try to take a class and pay attention to much of anything. 

     I am surprised Caleb did not wake up when the power went out. The air conditioner cut off. I thought for sure he would wake up, but he is fast asleep. 

     Rachel wasn't feeling well yesterday. I hope she feels better after getting some rest tonight.

     My cousin, Veronica, had the most amazing wedding photos! I am so jealous! Everything was so perfect. I never had that experience. Her dress was beautiful. The location was filled with greenery. Just fantastic. 

     If I remember correctly, Sherri had beautiful wedding photos too.

     A lot of my stress has gone away with the removal of homeschooling this week. I just can't focus on all these major tasks at once and be expected to not lose my mind! Caleb is such a challenge to work with. I just need to clear out our environment and reset. 

     I still haven't heard anything from Nichole. I know she's busier this week now that all four of her kids are doing distance learning online.

     Hurricanes are approaching Louisiana and Texas. The last I heard, one was already a category 4 hurricane. I hope people took it seriously and evacuated when they could. 

     My cousins, Max and Mariel start college soon. 

     Bella needs a spa day. I have to get to that before school starts again too. 

     I feel like I am moving a lot more than usual trying to get this place cleaned up. House work can be good exercise too! 

     Caleb asked me for a quantum physics book the other day. Interesting. Very interesting. 

     I feel better and better the more I get cleaned up. I live in fear, you know? I live in shame and disappointment over our living conditions. It's really a big deal. 

     It's already Thursday, and I'm running out of time. I hope I can get up at a decent time tomorrow. I'm not tired right now, but I'm running out of things to write. 

     It's 3:47 a.m. here now, so I guess I will go lay down. 

      

5 Year Journal Day 98

      Today's prompt is " What colors are you wearing?" Vivid deep pink, and black.

     It is now 3:32 a.m. here. Caleb is awake and talkative. I woke up because I was too warm. Yesterday was a busy, productive , and peaceful day. We started off running errands. When we got home, I began to wash dishes. I made lunch and immediately had to jump online for my online class with Wounded Warrior Project. After class, I needed rest as I was sore. I got back up eventually and made a giant salad, and ate some. I washed a few more dishes then had to lay back down as I got really tired all of a sudden. When I got up, I made dinner, and completed loading the dishwasher. We did not do homeschooling today. I decided it was best to postpone opening school until next week in order to clean the classroom. 

      It was a hard decision to make, but I think it was the right one. I have a lot of cleaning projects to do around the house that would ease some of the strain and stress on us if it were done. I intended to have most of it done before school, but I fell into a stream of bad days and couldn't get work done. Fibromyalgia is a bitch! 

     I used the dry mouth gel that I bought, an didn't wake up with yuck mouth. Nice!

     I guess Bella has found her new sleeping spot on the chair. She doesn't sleep with me at night anymore.

     Today in class we talked about the definition of values and what it means to us. We then came up with a list of values that are important to us. The leaders brought up the idea of "committed action" and goals. I think values are what is important to us and help us make decisions, leading us in the right direction. My list of values originally included the Army values of Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage. When we were told to make a big list and narrow the list down to about 5 Values, I choose Never Give Up, Lead By Example, Honesty, Personal Courage, and Selfless Service. My list wasn't very long. I had a hard time coming with words. Then we talked about how values are different from goals. Values determine and lead to goals. Values are the reason behind the goals. 

     I didn't make it to the Veterans Path Mindfulness class, as I was too tired, and struggling to get motivated to make dinner. 

     Today I will be cleaning the house. I think I might need to start on Caleb's room if I want to get it done before school starts. I'm really thirsty, but I don't want to drink Dew because I want to go back to sleep. I have a Gatorade Zero waiting for me in my room. Deuces!

5 Year Journal Day 97 Again

      Let's try this again, since I lost my journal entry from yesterday.

     Today's prompt is " What was the last take out meal you ordered?" Hardee's.

     It is now 1:03 a.m. here. My brain does not want to sleep, but the rest of me does. Bella has found her new spot on the new leather chair and is sleeping in the living room with Caleb. Caleb is asleep on the leather couch. The tv is in sleep mode. It is quiet except for the window unit air conditioner. 

     Yesterday was a horrible Monday. I woke up and Caleb was not home. He was at the park as I was able to determine by using the "find my phone" app. I was livid! He came home with a bad attitude as I text him that he was "so grounded." 

     He took his morning  medications late, and was arguing about being grounded and cleaning up his area. He then left the house to go the neighbor's house to play golf, after I told him "No" several times. I yelled for him to come home, and was ready to make a scene. I had to wait for him to make his own breakfast as he wanted me to make grilled cheese sandwiches, and he would not take "no" for an answer. It was 10:34 a.m. at the time, and he still hadn't eaten. He had made his food, but was not eating it. He then took a shower, even though I told him "No." By 10:54 Caleb was done showering, and was in clean clothes. He brought the recycling buns in from the road, washed his hands, and unloaded the dishwasher for me. He took out the recycling from my workspace, and took out the recycling from the kitchen. At noon, the shop vac died. I needed to replace it to finish the project I have been working on- the living room. 

     I took Caleb with me to Lowe's only to find that they only had one shop vac available and it was a $155 16 gallon shop vac. My old shop vac was something like 6 gallons. I felt pressured to buy to it, so I did. Then on the way home, I thought to call Autozone to ask if they had a shop vac available. They had a 2 gallon shop vac in stock. I then called Advance Auto Parts. They did not carry shop vacs at that location. I looked up on Walmart's website to see if they had any in stock available for pick up. They did! (I was told by the Lowe's employees that everyone in town was out of shop vacs due to the hurricane.) Instead of going to the Autozone liked i had planned, I went to Walmart. I found many 5 gallon shop vacs on the shelves ready for purchase! I was talking to myself out loud in the Walmart aisle "I could almost cry." I bought what I needed from Walmart then went back to Lowe's to return the contractor-sized shop vac. I was so relieved. I could not afford to keep the shop vac from Lowe's, I was just desperate, and I bought it on my Lowe's credit card. I knew it would take me forever to pay it off, so I tried everything to figure out how to return it and still have a shop vac to take home. While I did still have to use credit at Walmart to buy the shop vac, it is much easier to come up with $55 than it is for me to come up with $155. 

     I had driven all over town by the time we made it back home. It was 2:00 p.m. when we came home. Caleb brought in the trash bins from the road, and took his afternoon medications. At that point, the day, to me, was already over. I had been through enough. I was tired of Caleb's arguing and him doing whatever he wants. I just wanted to do something productive so the whole day didn't got to waste. I picked up two trash bags worth of trash, and shop vac'd the floor I had just cleared. So now even more of the common area flooring is clear!

     We got no school work done at all. I am going to write up a summary report and place it in Caleb's file for future reference if there are any questions as to why he did "not attend" school that day. 

      I had started cleaning around 11:30 or so, thinking I would make the most of my time, since Caleb wasn't being cooperative, and it was almost lunch time. I worked when we got home with the new shop vac, after all of that, until I overheated and felt sick to my stomach. I then had to go lay down in the bed for a little while. Bella came to heal me. She laid on my sickly parts and comforted me without any instruction to do so. When I felt better, I came back out to the living room to finish what I had started so that crumbs would not be carried from one place to another from walking through the mess in the one spot I left behind. I had no energy or motivation to clean the kitchen, so we ordered Domino's pizza for dinner. 

     I finally got to take a shower and change my clothes. That was pretty much my day. It doesn't sound as bad in my writing as it felt when it was happening. Not to mention that it was another rainy day. Rainy days call for bed rest. 

     I have to move the chairs and the couch to shop vac under them. Under the couch was cleaned before we moved the couch in, but I bet it could another shot. The recliner was only a small amount, and I do not think we ever got to under it. The chair was placed on a pile of junk, as we had not had enough time to clear that area before the movers came. Once that is done, all that will be left is the area around the incline trainer, and to move the bookcases where they will stay. We've come a long way. I should have taken before and after pictures. Only Rachel knows what it was kind of like before we cleaned it up. 

     I showed her pictures of what it looks like now, and she was amazed at the progress made! Yay! Accomplishment!

     Today, hopefully will be a better day for homeschooling. I have my 2 online classes today too. I never caught up on the Veterans Path video. I felt like yesterday was a complete failure for homeschooling. 

     I got so caught up that I did not even think to use my alpha-stim yesterday. 

     I am wearing my compression socks now though.

     Yesterday I was writing about how I was reading a book on the kindle about shadow work. It's work done to accept the things in our unconscious and/or subconscious minds that we often project onto others. This is supposed to promote self-love and self-acceptance. I have not read a lot yet, but I find it interesting. I think I may be trying to do some of this now, and not even realizing it. I am definitely trying to come to terms with things that I may not have been able to in the past. 

     I was feeling sick on Sunday. I was able to write my blog, but started feeling nauseous all of a sudden and had to go to bed. I could hardly make it to my room. I had to hold the walls for support as I felt like I was going to fall. I was dizzy. I was able to clear my workspace of some old documents that i no longer need, and create some semblance of order. I filed some things away like I needed too. 

     I do not remember what else I did. I think I picked up more trash from the living room until I felt sick again. 

     When I was writing on Monday morning I was thinking about the holidays, and how I would like to visit family, but can not afford to travel or to board Bella. 

     I was thinking about how I am going to come up with the $500 to haul off my old furniture. I was thinking about how Caleb and I will spend our holidays at home by ourselves this year. I will not cook a big fancy meal. According to my projected financial statements I will not have money to do much but watch a movie on tv. 

     I just thought about a letter I got in the mail about being able to pick up food from the food pantry now that I am receiving food stamps. I need to find that letter and go. 

     Caleb's friend's mom, and my friend, owns a fitness studio. I am thinking about trying a yoga class there. I am a little hesitant due to my inability to get on the floor and back up. She assures me she will be there to help me. I have to do something. I need to be able to reach my own feet to put my socks on. Besides I would like to meet some of the other ladies there. 

     I will start my chair yoga for disabled women veterans through the VA in September. It will be hosted online, so I will not have to drive 2 hours. I hope she continues to host it online after the COVID-19 is over with. 

     My grandpa de Mello wants to reconnect with me, since I mailed him those photos from the photo shoot. I haven't heard from him yet though.

     I haven't heard from Nichole, even though I tried to make her laugh at a funny meme I sent her. 

     I don't think I'm getting chocolates from Brazil. LOL I don't think I was able to get my message across. I will ask my grandpa to request them for me. 

     I weighed-in this morning. I have lost 1 lbs. It's not unexpected. I am still on my period. 

     Caleb talked to Max today. He loves Max and Mariel so much, he wants to share every little thing with them. 

     I hurt my back and legs pretty bad on Sunday. I was bending over and squatting to shop vac the floor and pick things up. I shouldn't be doing so much of that, being as out of shape as I am. I am forcing myself to get things done, and hurting myself in the process. I had to rest afterwards. I am so glad I bought that new bed. It helps me recover a lot faster than using so many pillows to correct my posture. I use the zero g function and it takes the pressure off my every-hurting pelvis, my back, and my legs. 

     I have moved almost all of my "room" from the living room into my bedroom to be sorted and put away. I was living in the living room for years, sleeping on the couch, and collecting things around the couch that I could not put in my room because it was inhabited by others. 

     I want to clear Caleb's room the same way I cleared the living room. He needs to be able to use his room, and I think he would use it, if it were clean. He has made such a mess of things that it's overwhelming to think about cleaning it up, much like cleaning the living room was. Just like cleaning the living room, though, it can be done step by step. 

     I'm almost out of Dew again. I'm going to buy more tomorrow. I can't function without it. I know it's bad for my blood pressure, but it's good for my ability to think clearly. I have bad brain fog without caffeine. I am zombie-like without it. I do not feel like myself without it. I will  never be able to quit. I will not give up my ability to think clearly and feel like myself. It's all I have left.

     We are passing the 7 year anniversary of my hospitalization. We are also passing the 1 year anniversary of Caleb's hospitalization. We are approaching the 1 year anniversary of my dad and Sharon moving out and all the drama that occurred. Soon we will be approaching the anniversary of Christinia's time here. We have changed so much without their interference. I feel so much better about myself and Caleb. I am happier without them. They all really impacted us negatively and held us back from growing. 

     I look at myself in the mirror and try to see myself in this body. It's hard. I do not look like the soldier I was . I do not look like the college student I was. I do not look like I ever cared about my appearance, my health, and fitness. I don't think I have ever communicated more about my health though. You wouldn't know that looking at me on any given day. I carry myself in my housework clothes with stains from bleach. I wear my diabetic shoes (now) and my compression knee high socks (now) with my shorts on. I look weird, but that's how I get around. I only dress up to wear the new dresses hanging up in my closet that I bought on sale or clearance and take pictures in them to see how I look. Do I really look that big? I don't feel like I weigh 320lbs. Usually I don't feel heavy. 

     I have no reason to dress nicely. I have nice clothes that never get worn. I have a ton of makeup that will never get used, 

     I have not been caring for my teeth as I was instructed. I have special toothpaste that was prescribed to me to keep my teeth from chipping. I have special mouth spray to use at night before bed to keep my mouth from getting dry. I am supposed to use a mouth rinse at least 3 times a week. I don't know why I fail to do these things. I love my teeth, but I do not take care of them. I don't want to lose them, but I do not take care of them the way I supposed to. I need to change that. 

     The eye ointment is helping me a lot though. My eyes don't get dry during the night or day like they use to. 

     I am trying to grow my hair out. I recently had it cut to remove the orange that was left from dying my hair a black cherry color. It's going to take forever! I want long hair! I want long beautiful curls!

     I need someone's help to install a water temperature knob in the shower. I broke mine a long time ago, and never replaced it. I look at the instructions and don't understand them. I need help from someone who knows how to do these things and has tools. 

     "I am not crazy. I only appear crazy to the uninitiated."- Jennifer de Mello Aug 25, 2020

     If I am a shining star in a galaxy of shining stars, how will the one who is looking for me find me?

     The day goes by so quickly. I am getting old. 

     I searched on google today to find out if there is proof that dogs can see spirits. I am just curious. There is no proof the can see spirits. 

     I wonder what is going on when I feel vibrations in my feet, my legs, my butt, my back, even my private area. It's strange and annoying. It keeps me from sleeping. My whole body can be at peace but then there's that happening. My muscles are not spasming. There is a noticeable difference. You can typically see a muscle spasm. I looked it up one night. The best explanation I could find is something called "internal tremors." I want to believe there is something I can do to control them, but I really don't think there is anything I can do. Bella does not notice anything odd. Caleb one day said it felt like the bed was vibrating, but there was nothing to make it vibrate. This happened to me as I was sleeping on the couch before many times too. 

     I still have not lit any sage lately. Caleb asked me to light some yesterday.

     It is now 2:50 a.m. I don't want to go back to bed, but I have nothing else running through my mind. 

     This November marks the 10 year anniversary of my separation from the U.S. Army. 10 years have passed, and what have I done with my life? I went back to college as an adult veteran student. I graduated from UCNW with a bachelor's of science, and almost completed a dual degree in business administration. I bought my first house. I bought my first used car. I bought my first car from a dealership (second vehicle). I raised my son to the best of my ability by myself for the most part. I adopted Bella. I housed 3 veterans plus a partner in my home in an attempt to help them. I tried to go to church regularly (and failed). I tried to find work and make a living (and failed many times). I tried to start my own businesses (and failed). I tried to manage my weight (and failed many times). I tried to quit vaping (and failed many times). I tried to quit soda and was successful for a very long time, until I started needing more energy to complete daily tasks. I competed an online certification course to become a life coach (laughable). I started the process of becoming a Peer Support Specialist (and had to quit thanks to Christinia). I applied for a veterans retreat that I could not go to because I did not have child care, but I got the scholarship! I tried to become more involved in the VFW , the DAV, and Wounded Warrior Project. I started this blog! I tried to find a good partner (and failed). I tried to maintain a good relationship with my dad and Sharon (and failed twice). I tried to maintain a good relationship with Mathew and Nichole (and am failing currently). I started homeschooling Caleb! I tried to provide for Caleb's needs in a wholesome manner that includes healthcare. I rode with the Warrior Ride in several parades. I went to training for the church to be a volunteer to help in emergency situations such as hurricane relief and became certified (only to figure out that I can't do it without child care). I overcame many obstacles dealing with my hospitalization and my mental health. MANY. I never quit. 

     My dad's birthday is coming up. It's in September. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he still hates me. I don't hate him. I wonder if Sharon still hates me. I wonder if they still blame me for them having to move out. I was not the cause for that. My dad was directly responsible for the actions taken. He caused all those things to happen. One day he may find himself in prison. Charges were take against him, and I do not look forward to having to recall what happened in court. Being in the courthouse makes me so anxious. My dad scares me. I truly do not know what he is capable of. Or maybe I do. I literally saw him with his hands around Caleb's neck. He could have killed his first biological grandson because Caleb had an attitude. 

     Mathew's promotion either happened, or is happening soon. I guess I won't hear anything about it. 

     My absentee ballot should be arriving in the mail after September 4th. I know who I am voting for and I have my reasons. End of discussion. 

     If I can't communicate openly and honestly , what is the point? I don't need fake people or fake relationships. Life is too damn short. I want to be accepted, but not at the cost of walking on egg shells and not being able to express my own feelings in my own journal. 

     I'd hate to think my family is shrinking once again. Differences of opinions are just that. Differences. 

     I don't have to explain myself , but I choose to write in this blog because one day I hope it will help someone else out there who is going through similar things. 

     It is now 3:29 a.m. and I am wide awake. I'm starting to wind down a bit though. 

     I got an email from Generations Church, a non-denominational modern Christian church, about them starting the youth groups again. I want Caleb to go but I don't want to put us at risk. I wish they would do it virtually, but they are doing it in-person. I wanted to be a part of the small groups too. I need to socialize more. It's the only way I will be able to find and make friends. 

     People are still on a curfew on parts of the island. They are still managing the clean up and restoration efforts from Hurricane Isaias. 

     We are still having to wear masks everywhere we go. I can't wait to throw those damned things away for good. 

     My memory is not that good, or else I would re-write what I wrote yesterday morning. I kind of went through how I was feeling about certain things like what I am happy about and what I am ashamed of or feel guilty about in an effort to understand my conscious feelings. Really it was kind of a checking point into how I am doing in my healing. I no longer carry the guilt of not knowing Caleb's father's name. I was drunk and he took advantage of me one night. I never saw him again. 

     I no longer carry the guilt of my dad's actions. I could not have foreseen that he would lose control of himself like that. 

     I no longer carry the guilt that I had to hospitalize my son. I was doing what I thought was best for him at the time.  I do not blame myself for him being suicidal. 

     I no longer carry the guilt of Christinia's actions. I could not have foreseen that she was a crazy bitch. 

     I do not feel ashamed for my weight and size.  I do not feel ashamed for having to be hospitalized. I do not feel ashamed for my mental health problems. I do not feel guilty for Caleb's mental health problems. 

     I am proud to be a veteran. I am proud to have graduated college. I am proud to own my own home. I am proud to have vehicles that work. I am proud to have adopted Bella. I am proud to be a woman who served in the U.S. Army. I am not ashamed to be disabled. I do not feel guilty about becoming disabled. 

     I am proud to have overcome so many obstacles all by myself, time and time again. There was no one to help me. 

     I am happy to have a monthly income that pays most of my bills. I am happy to have free healthcare for the rest of my life. I am happy to have free healthcare for Caleb. 

     I am relieved to have working toilets, vehicles, and air conditioning.  

     I am stressed about my finances, but I try to take things one day at a time so that I do not get overwhelmed. I am stressed about homeschooling Caleb, but I will do what I can do. 

     I love Caleb. I love Bella. I love my family. I love my friends. 

     I am working on appreciating what is left of my life. I have to appreciate what I am still capable of doing, and not dwell on what I can't do right now. I am changing for the better with everyday. I am growing. 

     I am grateful for the people who have stood by me and supported me. 

     I am becoming more able to open up now that I am not in an abusive relationship. 

     I do not know when I will die, and I don't take my time on Earth for granted. There is so much to be done, and so little time. 

  

      

     

5 Year Journal Day 97

 I just wrote a lot and it didn't save. I'm going to bed. I'm not trying to re-write all of that. 

5 Year Journal Day 96

 Today's prompt is "_____ was inspiring." I don't know, but I was feeling weird yesterday, but I was pushed to move. I didn't feel right, but I started to work anyway. I started to talk to myself out loud. I said " I can do this. I just have to do one thing at a time." I managed to finish loading the dishwasher and getting it started. Then I hand washed some dishes. I had to take a break as my back was aching. I then moved to work on the living room with Caleb. We moved out 3 kitchen sized trash bags of junk from the living room. I shop vacuumed the floor. The hardest part is over. Now it's just the details. It was overwhelming for so long, that I couldn't move to work on it. The job was just too big for me alone, and I couldn't get Caleb to help me out. We finally made progress, and Caleb earned himself his Bugatti Hot Wheels car.  

     It is 2:40 a.m. here now. I got up because I kept waking up, and then my brain wanted to work. So here I am, working with my brain. Yesterday was a rest day for me. I got up around 8:30 a.m. and wrote my blog. I did my morning routine with Caleb, but then didn't feel well and went to lay down in the bed. I got up around noon, and began my house work. Once the housework was over, Caleb went to his friend's house, and I went back to bed. I got up to make dinner and Caleb came back home just in time. I normally eat my dinner and take my night time medications, let my food and pills settle then go lay down. Yesterday was no different. I don't sleep well, so sometimes it takes a day or two of rest to try to catch up. My body and mind just can't anymore at that point. 

     Caleb just woke up. He said "mama!" and I said "bay-bay!" LOL I love my son. I missed him when he was away at his friend's house. 

     Yesterday I saw a large yellow butterfly flying in the same direction twice. It was like feeling deja-vu. People say things like that are signs, but signs of what?

     I still have more work to do in the common area of my house, but I feel a lot better about it now. I found my compression socks. I thought I bought more than one pair, but maybe not. I also found my knee compression covers, that Mathew suggested I use when working out. 

     I forgot to mention that my podiatrist placed the consult for more diabetic shoes and I'm getting compression socks from the VA. Yay!

     I also thought of something that I haven't mentioned before, at least I don't remember if I did mention it. Caleb was hospitalized last year, before my dad was forced to move out last year. He was inhaling inhalants, and trying to kill himself. He did not want to live because of my dad and Sharon. My baby boy was hurting inside so bad. We just passed the anniversary of that. 

     We also just passed the 7 year anniversary of my hospitalization. 2013. That's why I wanted photos so bad. Even though I really couldn't afford to have a photographer take our pictures, I spent money I really didn't have to get them taken. It's the first time we have taken professional photos together since 2013 just before I was hospitalized. 

     I'm so thirsty. I need water. I don't want to get up to get it. Caleb has gone back to bed. Ok I got my sugar free water based drink. I'm good.

     Today we are going to work on the "classroom" cleaning some more. If I can just move that furniture to where I want it, that would be great. Hopefully by the end of the day, the kitchen will be like I want it, and so will the living room. I have dishes to wash, and laundry to wash. I have carpet that needs to vacuumed and cleaned. I have trash that needs to be taken out to the bin. I can't wait to have clean spaces again. Hopefully Caleb will learn from this experience and help me keep it clean this time around. I am finally moving "my room" of stuff from where I was living in the living room to my bedroom where I can put things away. 

     Today we are also going to rest, just like yesterday. It's going to be a long week ahead of us, full of school, online classes, and appointments. 

     I get emails from Generations Church. They are starting up their youth group meetings soon. I would like Caleb to attend, but I do not know how he can attend and be socially distant at the same time. If I am keeping Caleb at home, I mean, there is a reason. I am a high risk for complications if I get COVID-19, and could die. I don't know. I emailed them to see if he could participate virtually. I don't want him to be left out. 

     Generations Church is also starting their small groups sessions. I was trying to begin them before COVID-19, and was taking steps to join. I don't want to risk in-person meetings.

     Generations Church is a non-denominational modern Christian church. I like their style. I wish to meet others who go there and make friends. 

     So I am supposed to be working in a group for the Wounded Warrior Project class to do a virtual scavenger hunt. I am not motivated to do what I am supposed to do, and feel like I am failing my team mates. I just have too much other stuff that outranks that. 

     I missed the Thursday Veterans Path class, so I need to catch up on that. I tried to join the meeting, but I couldn't because the button was grayed out. I was exhausted and didn't want to force myself through it anyway. So I will have to catch up today sometime.

     I signed up for a short class on "Conscious Parenting" for today. So I don't want to forget that. I think it help me in a way that I wanted from my books, but haven't read the books yet. 

     I want to Caleb hooked on Adventure Academy, but he has to use my computer to do it. I wonder if he can play on his phone? I will have to try it out. 

     My workspace is becoming a heaping pile of paperwork and odds and ends. I need to clean it up. I've got some filing to do. 

     So this month I have successfully paid off two credit line accounts. Done. Forever. So far this year I have paid off 4 accounts in total. Two accounts I had to reuse. I was hoping to free up some cash, but I have to recycle it to pay off my 0% interest promotional accounts before they expire. 

     Chugging down the water!

     It is now 3:29 a.m. here. Caleb is asleep and Bella never left the bed. Sponge Bob is now on. 

     Overall, I feel ok. I feel like I've made this far, and eventually I am going to make it to my goals. I am using the alpha-stim daily at least once a day, sometimes twice. I am using my essential oils when I remember them. I am now using the eye ointment Caleb's optometrist told me about at night. My eyes don't hurt as frequently during the night or day. I don't use the mouth spray like I should. I asked my primary care provider if there is such a thing as an "obesity specialist." They said they do not refer to any such thing, only a dietician. How ignorant. 

     I had the talk with my psychiatrist about my sexual dysfunction. We had a long conversation about my options and the risks associated with each. I decided that I would keep the sexual dysfunction in exchange for my mental health. 

     Just like I had to decide to whether or not I should keep the weight gain or be without seizures and nerve pain. These are not easy decisions to make. They impact my quality of life. They directly impact my health. 

     Who is going to love me like this? Am I going to be without a partner for the rest of my life? Most days I don't care if I am attractive. I have work that needs to be done, and I put no effort in how I look. Will someone be able to see through my exterior? Who wants to be in a relationship with a partner who is uninterested in sex? 

     Honestly, I had hoped to have found someone by now. I wanted Caleb to have someone to call "dad." I didn't find the right person. 

     The world is crazy right now, and I am just trying to find my place and my tribe. I know I am not alone, but where are the others like me? I am trying to sort my life out, and figure things out that previously I could not for one reason or another. I am trying to rebuild who I am now, as a result of my experiences. I want to share my trials and tribulations in the hopes that someone might find that he or she is not alone either. I am working on forgiving myself for my mistakes, and others for theirs. I am observing points of interest from a 37 year old lens the things that marked me from my past, and making changes to how I react to things in the present. Well, I am trying anyway. I am trying to train my brain to undo the results of traumas. I want inner peace for myself. 

     I want to train my body. I want to physically and mentally fit. I want to reverse the effects of aging. The women veterans' yoga group is about to go online from the VA. We do chair yoga for us disabled folks. It is really awesome. I miss it. I use to go every week. It got to be too much in my schedule and I was getting burned out, so I had to quit. It's a one hour drive to the VA clinic where it was being held. I hope that when things get back to "normal", that she continues to deliver the class online so that I may participate without driving for 2 hours. 

     Caleb's friend's mom, and my friend, Shannon, has a fitness studio. She was offering a gentle yoga class. I am waiting to hear when the next class is so that I might be able to go and meet some like-minded women. 

     I have to get my weeds mowed. It's not grass, it's weeds! LOL I can't afford to pay the guy who does it for me until after the first of the month, so I hope I don't attract any negative attention from the town about it. 

     I have been forgetting to drive the Volvo, and I've got to do that today too. I don't know where I will go but I've got to make it worth it because I can't afford to waste gas. 

     Oh I know! I need vegetables to cook tonight, and for the next few days. 

     I've been thinking I need to burn some sage too. I haven't done that in a long time, and I feel it needs to be done. It keeps crossing my mind, so it must be important. 

     I'm almost done drinking my 84 fluid ounce water. It goes quickly. 

     The next big project of housework will be clearing out Caleb's room. It's a hot mess in there! He can't do it by himself, but for a while there he was telling me he didn't want my help either. I had to wait for him to come around to realizing that I can help him. We might work on that next weekend. We shall see. It just depends on how exhausted I am, and if I can work. 

     There are so many things I want to buy, but I am trying to not use my credit cards at all. I really need to pay them down but I'm in this cycle of reusing them. 

     I am feeling sick so I have to quit.

     

5 Year Journal Day 95

      Today's prompt is " If you could wish for one thing today, what would it be?" To make enough money to never be debt again.

     It is 8:33 a/m/ and I am just waking up. I only got up once last night, around 11:00 p.m. I feel like I slept good otherwise. I actually had dreams! I'm still a little sleepy now, but I had to get up to use the bathroom and let Bella out. 

     Yesterday I struggled to do much. I was fine for my therapy appointment, which went well. It rained most of the day, and that has an effect on me. Surprisingly I was not in a lot of pain like usual. I'm running on my last few dollars until the end of the month. I'm trying not to stress about it. I just filled my gas tank. Hopefully I don't have to go anywhere. I actually felt like I was grounded this morning when I got up. It was great. I sleep better when I feel like I can feel the gravity keeping me down on the bed. I didn't experience the muscle spasms, the vibrations in my backside, or the restless feet and legs that have become normal. 

     I feel like I need a day of rest where I don't attempt to do so much. However, I know I have so many things I need to do.  

     I had so many things on y mind last night, perhaps I should had gotten up and wrote my blog then. I have nothing coming to mind now. 

     My Granny and Pepere called yesterday. I like talking to them and keeping in touch. I wish they weren't so far away so I could visit more often. I can't drive far away, and neither can they. 

     Mariel is recovering from having her wisdom teeth removed. I haven't heard much from Max.

     Mom and Kenneth are taking a weekend at the beach this weekend. They wanted to visit us, but it really isn't a good time. I can't seem to get my house clean. I struggle so much. Every day I try to do what I can, and it is never enough. Never. It makes me feel like a shitty parent. 

     I reach out to family to socialize, especially Nichole. She hasn't been talking to me since the one post I made. I don't blame her, but I miss her. I miss the kids. I miss my goofy brother. I am trying to give them space. It's not an easy time as it is. Last week was out first week of having the children go to school. Her kids are distance learning. 

     Caleb is learning to play golf with the neighbor across the street. His name is Mark and is relatively new to the neighborhood. He helped us jumpstart the Mazda one day. I think he fills the void of Roger passing. 

     I don't like having my disability status questioned. I didn't ask to be disabled. I would much rather be making my small fortune working. I worked until I could no longer work. Just because I am on Social Security before 65 doesn't make me a fraud. I am not taking anything from anybody by being disabled. I paid into the system too. I had to prove my disabilities the same as everyone else. I was not given a free pass. My struggles are real whether you believe them or not. Not all disabilities are visible! I don't have to prove myself to anybody. I don't have to explain myself to anybody. 

     I do not take ownership of other people's feelings and emotions anymore. I did once, and it nearly killed me as I suffocated my own feelings and emotions as a result. I take ownership of my own feelings and emotions, try to understand them, and try to let them pass freely. I have been in therapy for roughly 7 years and have picked up a lot of tools. I also read and take classes to learn how to handle tough emotions, PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I want to be a better version of myself. This blog helps me put things in perspective. I am able to express myself freely, without interruption. I am not being held back. 

     I do not enjoy being marginalized. I am a minority of a minority of a minority. I still have a voice. I have been abused for most of my life. I will not allow it to continue. I will not keep my mouth shut and walk on egg shells for anybody ever again. 

     I am growing and there will be growing pains. I am learning to live a better life with the circumstances I have to deal with. I want to be happy. I want to be safe. I want to be loved. 

     I let people know how I feel about them. I love my family, no matter how ill they are. They are the only family I have. I don't know when I will die. I have sleep apnea and could die in my sleep any night. I have seizures and could fall and hit my head and die any day. I have high blood pressure and diabetes. These things can lead to my untimely death. And there's no predicting accidents. I don't live like I am going to survive forever. I don't live like I am going to make it to 65. I have to try every day to change what I can to become healthier. 

     I try my best to be transparent. I don't write to hurt anybody. I want to be heard. I live alone with my son and my dog and have very few friends. I don't get the opportunity to communicate my adult feelings very often if I don't write. 

     I am tired of trying to compete with able-bodied adults my age. I can not compete. I am trying to not feel like a complete failure. "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter", Linkin Park. Feels like my theme song. 

     When people ask what I do for a living, I have to respond. I have become use to saying "I am a disabled veteran and single, stay at home mom." People are curious and sympathetic usually. I have yet to come across a rude person at the Veteran's only parking spot. I am blessed, because some people refuse to acknowledge that there are women veterans. I am one of the youngest disabled veterans at my VA clinic. I am one of the few women veterans. I am the only woman at my VFW, and one of the few women at my DAV. Women are greatly under-represented. 

     I feel for the homeless. I could be homeless. I have asked in advance if I could stay with a few people once my son leaves the nest. One person said absolutely. I do not think I can survive my mental issues living alone. 

     Travis was homeless when I let him move in. He was sleeping on Billy's couch. My dad and Sharon were living in an extended stay hotel and about to get kicked out when I offered them a place to stay. Christinia couldn't pay her bills to keep the electricity on when I offered her a place to stay. I hope that someone will look out for me the way I attempted to look for my fellow brothers and sisters in arms. 

     Billy is selling his house next to mine. I found out when the real estate agent showed up and I was outside. She introduced herself as she went into the house. I guess I should have expected it. That house requires a lot of work that only an investor could afford. Billy hasn't lived in that house for more than a year. 

     I am chugging the Dew this morning. Just trying to wake up. I have been using the alpha-stim every day. It is supposed to bring my brain back to baseline functioning, out of the depression and anxiety zones. 

     I am my own task master. I am very hard on myself. I want to do so much, and can't. 

     I regret not being able to continue my Army career. I was not a good soldier. I couldn't run, which is a standard requirement. I was good at my MOS. I hated most of my NCOICs. I was lonely, but I was working. I was providing a service that a lot of people can't or won't do. Before Caleb was born, I was willing to go anywhere. I even tried to complete my degree in time to become a commissioned Officer. I wanted a job that would make a difference. 

     I need to get started with my day. It is now 10:04 a.m. here.  

5 Year Journal Day 94

      Today's prompt is " Did you have fun today? Because?" I did not have fun today, but I got things done. 

     It is now 2:26 a.m. here. I am awake because I am having trouble with my CPAP mask leaking, I am hot, and my brain wants to be awake. Yesterday we had a lot of appointments. I made it to the Wounded Warrior Project class, but I couldn't get in to the Veterans Path class. Caleb made it to his appointment. I was trying to make the most of our time in between, so I went out and took him shoe shopping. His shoes are so worn they have holes in the toes, and the shoe laces are barely there. I was going to wait until this weekend to take him, but I figured we had so much going on today that we wouldn't be focused on school anyway today. I would rather have a full day of school on the weekend, when there are no appointments. 

     Caleb is happy about his new shoes. He feels better about himself and it shows. I feel like I just bought him shoes a couple of months ago. The last time I bought him shoes we bought size 9.5 men's. Now he is wearing size 11 men's. That's what he wanted, and said felt comfortable so... 

     I was texting Rachel and we were talking about her daughter, Zhela, going to college. It made me think about my initial college experience. Well, maybe not initial, but my freshman year at UNCG. I started taking college classes in high school at Sandhills Community College. Anyway, I went away to UNC-Greensboro and lived on campus. I did not make friends right away. I was very different from my peers. I could not relax and have fun. I ate alone in the cafeteria every day. I did not talk to anybody in my classes. I just couldn't relate. On the outside I'm sure I looked normal. On the inside I was already dealing with mental health issues. I needed to be talking to a therapist about my dad and Sharon. I practically ran away to college to get away from them. 

     I felt bad for leaving Mathew behind to deal with them by himself, but I didn't know what else to do. Eventually I got a job on campus, but it was a part time job, so I couldn't afford to pay for housing off campus. Actually, I couldn't afford to go to school. I went to school and got a bill that I couldn't pay. My mom stepped in and helped me by taking out a parent student loan.  

     I was in a "relationship" with an older man, Geoff. I moved off campus to be with him. That lasted less than the Fall semester. I got pregnant, and secretly had an abortion. It tore me to pieces but I knew that I could not have his child. I refused to be tied to him for the rest of my life. I did not love him. He was abusive. 

     I moved back on campus. My roommate was pissed. She expected to have the room to herself since I moved out. She fought me, and pushed a tall chest of drawers onto me. I reported her and she moved out, leaving me with the room to myself. 

     I had a horrible time trying to keep up with my studies the fall of 2001. September 11th happened and the world changed. 

     Somehow I got back involved with my dad and Sharon. When a crisis strikes, it's hard not to want to be with family, no matter how fucked up they are. 

     That was back in the day when UNCG was just putting in a T3 cable for internet service. Napster was being used regularly , along with other downloading and file sharing sites. Music was "free", movies were "free." Cell phones were still very expensive. Smartphones did not exist. There was no such thing as wiFi. I had not heard of MySpace or Facebook yet. eBay was around and I used it to buy my beads for the hemp jewelry I was making. I did not have a car until my dad provided me with one. My step-grandparents had let me borrow their SUV to drive from my mom's house to UNCG, with expectation that I bring it back at some point. I brought it back during the Fall semester. I had gotten a speeding ticket driving from the house I shared with Geoff to school because I was running late and driving 80 mph in a 55 mph zone. 

     I thought I found a friend in Phayth. She was a strange girl who was in one of my classes. We decided to take a trip to my grandparents together to explore New York City and look for unique beads for my jewelry. That ended up badly. She had mental health issues that she never told me about. Apparently she had anxiety problems, and being in New York City made it worse. I didn't know how much she suffered and I didn't care at the time. I was young and had it in my head that we didn't drive all this way for nothing. I was selfish and uncaring. I lacked compassion for her. We argued and she left me there at my grandparents house with no way to get back home. My Aunt Lisa had to get me a train ticket to get back to school. 

     Without having knowledge of mental health problems, I was at a loss for having sympathy. It wasn't until I was older and started learning about mental health issues that I became aware how debilitating they can be. You tell me you have "anxiety", what does that mean to you? Everybody experiences it differently. I don't understand. I don't comprehend. Explain it to me Barney style so I can get it. I know I came off as a bitch. I was uneducated and ignorant. 

     Anna lived across the hallway from me and sometimes we would catch up. We had different schedules so it was hard to catch her. I connected with her, and wished we had become better friends sooner. We became roommates in the house we shared over the Summer of 2002. She was a waitress at an Italian food place, and I was a waitress at a Mexican food place. We had a lot of fun together that Summer. We would go out dancing at the clubs on the weekends. She would bring the Italians, and I would bring the gays. 

     We were too young to drink, so we didn't. We drank bottled water. We would stop at Food Lion on the way home and buy cherry vanilla ice cream and milk and make ourselves milkshakes to cool off at home. There was no air conditioner in the house. 

     I never thought of myself as pretty. I thought of other people as pretty, but not me. 

     I met Nigel at the club one night and he gave me his phone number. I was unsure if I wanted to call him. Eventually I did call him. He invited me over to share dinner together. He was a gentleman. He was also 10 years older than I was. I wasn't even 21 yet. 

     We got involved and the rest is history. 

     I got totally lost in who I was supposed to be. I finally came back to my senses when Mathew went to Basic Training. When I saw the difference in him at his basic training graduation, that was it for me. I knew I had to do better with my life. I was willing to do anything to escape the future that was directly in front of me. I wanted to change so bad that I went to Mathew's recruiter to get information on what I needed to do to enlist. I started changing before I shipped out. I was working to become a soldier before I went to MEPS. I had to lose weight and prepare for the physical hardship of basic training. 

     I married Nigel with the intention of staying connected to him when he enlisted. He never enlisted. As a matter of fact, he failed the ASVAB so badly that he did not even qualify for the lowest scoring MOS. I don't know if he did it on purpose. Why would he waste his time if it wasn't what he wanted to do? 

     I suspected he continued to smoke weed. I suspected he continued to drink alcohol. I suspected that he would "party" with cocaine. I suspected that at some point he was having an affair with another woman. I was away in training for more than a year. I was out of state, and there was no ability for him to visit me. He wasn't willing to make changes, but I was willing to give my life in service, even if it meant my death. 

     I did not know at the time that my legs were two different lengths. No wonder I had stress fractures in my femur and pelvis in basic training. There's a lot of marching and running involved in basic. No wonder I had recurring stress fractures in Combat Medic training. There's a lot of lifting soldiers involved, along with marching, and running. I was not treated for my different lengths of legs. I was put on crutches and in physical therapy. I was given Ibuprofen 800 to take multiple times a day. I was given muscle pain cream. I was not directed to a podiatrist for custom insoles and a lift for my boots. 

     I was ignorant and Airborne-hearted enough to apply for Airborne school... twice! Yep, even after I got my permanent profile, I applied and was given a slot. I lost my slot when I went AWOL due to being delirious, sleep deprived, and exhausted. I just wanted to catch up on sleep. I didn't have it in me to make it back on time. I needed to be in a hospital. I did not know I had sleep apnea. I did not know I was dying every night from oxygen deprivation. I did not know that snoring is a sign there is something wrong. 

     I had my first seizure in Ft. Lee. I was sitting there in the common room with other soldiers. I was sitting at a desk, and writing something in my notebook. Somebody noticed me, and took me to see the Drill Sergeant. I did not know what had happened. They took me to the hospital to be checked out. I do not remember what happened at the hospital, but nothing came of it. I was not referred to a specialist. I was not given medication to prevent it from happening again. I was not given education about what happened and why. 

     All these things caused me to be scared that I would get kicked out of the Army. I needed this job more than anything. I fought to stay in and serve. 

     I had completely forgotten about my seizure after it happened. I never thought about it again. I was not diagnosed with sleep apnea until a few years ago. I had to know what it was to ask my provider for testing first. I just got custom insoles and a lift a few weeks ago. I was in the Army from 2006-2010. The year now is 2020. Go figure. How much of my life could have be better had I had proper medical treatment earlier? 

     I am sure I had fibromyalgia in the Army too, but it was not diagnosed because I never went to have it checked out. I figured everybody was in pain like I was. I suffered depression in the Army, badly. I got that checked out once I got to duty station. I suffered Postpartum depression too. It did not help that I was expected to come back to work like I never had given birth. Men are so ignorant. I wish they could experience it at least once in a lifetime. 

     I was told by another soldier that he thought I had Asperger's. I did not know what that was either. I had to go look it up. Then I thought he might be right. I was confused about who I was and what I was. All kinds of new information came to light. 

     I would stay in bed for most of the weekends at Ft. Sam Houston because I hurt so badly all over. I did not realize that my condition was not normal, and did not want to be kicked out of the Army. 

     I had my first Panic Attack in Ft. Sam Houston. I think it came after the news of Mathew's friend dying in Afghanistan. I worried so much about Mathew being out there too. I was still in training. The only thing I had the power to do was pray. I did not know it was a panic attack at the time. I was taken to the Drill Sergeants, to be taken to the hospital. I thought I might be having a heart attack. They were all seasoned Combat Medics so they were able to calm me down.

     I'm pretty sure I already had PTSD before I enlisted, but I was not diagnosed. Other events that occurred during my time in service and after my time in service added to the symptoms. 

     When I came home from Korea, back to the United States, I was weighing probably 180 lbs. By the time I got settled in my apartment in Wilmington, and started working out, I was about 220 lbs. I lost a lot of weight by doing my preferred exercises, and dropped down to 145 lbs. I weighed that much in 2013, before my hospitalization. After my hospitalization I faced one crisis after another and could only cry, eat, and sleep. If I had continued my workouts I would have been fine. I probably would have recovered faster. I was not in the right state of mind to be leaving my residence. I was heavily drugged. 

     I have been gaining weight ever since the Fall of 2013. I am now about 320 lbs. I was either depressed because the medication was not strong enough, or zombified because the medication was too strong. I am now at a point where I can function during the day, and sleep during the night- sometimes. At least I am not sleeping all day like I was when Caleb was going to school. I was so depressed, not having anything to do, or anyone to talk to. He would be gone all day. My only waking time was to put him on the bus and take him off the bus, get him showered, and fed, and ready for bed. 

     I had to realize what was happening to me to ask for help. There was nobody watching over me to say "You need to do this, that, and the other thing." I was living with just a little boy at the time. He didn't know anything to help me. 

     I was sleeping but I wasn't resting. I was always tired. I had sleep apnea and didn't know it yet. 

     Now, after all this time, and all these problems, I have been diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure as of relatively recently. 

     I knew I had iron deficient anemia in the Army because I could never give blood when it was time for all the troops to donate. My iron was always to low to donate.

     I knew I had woman's health problems because I stopped having my period in training, or it would be really painful and heavy. I had my first colposcopy at Ft. Sam Houston. They thought there was something wrong from my pap smear. At some point along the way I was diagnosed with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. 

     I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome in training and given tramadol for the intestinal pain and cramps I was having. 

     The point is I've never been healthy. There have always been health problems. They weren't diagnosed because I did not have health insurance and/or was not taken to a doctor during my 18 years of living with my dad. 

     Now, I reach out for medical help for everything. They know more than I do, and I ask questions all the time. I take Caleb to the doctor on schedule. He sees medical help all the time and is being treated for his issues. I will not let him live his life in misery. 

 

5 Year Journal Day 93

      Today's prompt is "Who do you feel closest to?" I would have to say my Aunt Lisa. 

     It is now 7:07 a.m. here. I am wide awake. I did not feel grounded in my sleep and kept waking up. I still feel better today than I did yesterday morning. I was hot last night, even with the air conditioners on and a fan blowing on me. I slept mostly uncovered. I just covered my arms and face with my blanket. I don't know. I do know that I create more body heat during my period. I'm not menstruating. I take birth control pills and my doctor only wants me to have a period every 3 months. That means I take 3 weeks of birth control pills and start a new cycle, effectively skipping my period. This month I am not skipping, but my cycle is so jacked up that I still don't menstruate. I have PMS though and cramps. I have PCOS so that's why I skip my periods with medications. It's painful and unnecessary. 

     Yesterday I did not accomplish much. I was slow in the morning, as I get when it rains. I went to my appointment at the VA, only to find out that it was supposed to be a phone call appointment. Damn! I drove all the way there, an hour's drive, for no damn reason. So we started back home. I wasted all that gas for no reason. It's not like I have a lot of money sitting around. These things matter a lot! Not only that but I wasted an entire afternoon driving back and forth for no reason. Caleb could have been in school. I felt like shit. 

     Yesterday I found out that both Mathew and Nichole read my blog. Let me say they were not happy. Let me also say that I did not write about their choice of president to hurt them. I did it to try to understand why. This blog is a journal. I have been writing since February as a way to deal with the events in my life and express myself. I did apologize for the reaction I caused, as it was not intentional. I would never intentionally hurt either one of them, as I love them. They are important to me. I'm naturally curious. I have to gather my thoughts, as I forget things almost as fast as they happen. That's not an exaggeration. I keep notes of everything I do, every day. I will not remember it in the morning. That's true for most things. 

     The importance of the conversation, to me, was that it was emotionally charged enough to make me cry. I have not cried since February. I have a hard time crying. I can't, even when I want to. It's difficult to feel those emotions in the raw and let them process. I am close enough to my brother that a conversation with him is enough to make me let the tears flow. I needed that, and he didn't even know. I have held so much inside. I talk about stuff all the time, but that my intellect talking, it's not necessarily my emotional body. 

     When I talk about how I have been abused, I am talking about this past January, after Christinia left. I am also talking about the whole time Christinia lived with me. I am also talking about last Fall, when my dad was forced to leave. I am also talking about the entire time my dad and Sharon lived with me. These are recent events. I am not drawing from my childhood. I am still healing from recent abuses. That's what I have going on that's personal. 

     Then March comes around and changes the world for everybody with the pandemic. At some point Mathew deployed in early 2020. I struggled with finances ever since Christinia moved out. It seems it's like one unexpected emergency expense after another and I'm literally broke all of the time. I've been alone with Caleb since January for the first time in years. I'm afraid to have a seizure at any point. I'm afraid to have any reason to go the hospital as I do not have a support system here. I don't want to lose my son again. It was in February that I started really planning for my death. I reached out to My Aunt Lisa and she provided Caleb a phone so that if something happens, he always has access to 911 and to family members. 

     The biggest reason to have another adult live with me is to care for Caleb if something happens. It's not out of the realm of possibility. I've had 2 seizures already. One was a big one, and the ambulance was called. I had adults here at the time and they witnessed what happened. Caleb would not have known what to do as it had never happened before and we never planned on it happening. It happened again while I was pulling out of a parking space. If it had been a minute later, I would have been in traffic. Again, another adult was present, or I would not have even known it happened. It's scary stuff. I don't know what causes them, so I don't know how to prevent them. The first time, I was just sitting at the table to eat dinner. Nothing special. '

     Travis moved in when I could not drive for 6 months due to having a seizure. I needed a personal driver and he was unemployed due to disability. He didn't mind driving all over the place as needed. Shortly after he moved out, I invited my dad and Sharon to move in to do the same. We would take care of each other, and they could help me raise Caleb. It reduced some stresses I had about living alone with a child with the possibility of seizing. 

     As we all know, it didn't work out, but it wasn't for lack of trying. I arranged for Christinia to move in to help her more than to help me. She was living in dire straits in Iowa by herself, losing her mind, with her toddler daughter alone. I thought I could help her, but she was not upfront about her mental health, or lack thereof. 

     So that's 3 different veterans I attempted to help. I was able to help Travis get his VA disability claim approved. I worked on my dad's VA claim. I started working on Christinia's claim. She had no clue. 

     Anyhow, I wanted to say that my morbid obesity is not solely my fault. It is secondary to major depression with psychotic features and the medications I take for that and PTSD. Diabetes and high blood pressure is caused my morbid obesity. I have also heard from fibromyalgia patients taking the same medication I am that it caused a lot of weight gain. In any case, I take a lot of medications now, and all of them have side effects. I walked around like a zombie for years. I could not stay awake. I was even prescribed Ritalin to encourage wakefulness during the day. That's where the caffeine came in. I'm no good to anyone if I can't stay awake. I slept all  day and all night for years before getting the help I needed. I am finally able to have an almost normal day now that my abusers have left the environment. Oh, did I mention that they were the cause of depression relapse? 

     I think people see me and automatically assume that I eat unhealthy fast foods all the time. That couldn't be further from the truth. I spend a lot of money trying to eat enough fresh vegetables and meats in not only my diet, but Caleb's diet as well. I cook every night. I only relatively recently started eating carbohydrates again. The only fat I eat is from olive oil and the natural fat on the meat occasionally. My worst diet habit is soda. I don't eat sugar, at all, since I was diagnosed diabetic. I don't eat fruits anymore, as I can't control myself. I was on the keto diet for a little over 2 months earlier this year, and quit when I started gaining weight again. If I'm not going to lose weight, I'm not going to sacrifice my beans, pasta, tomatoes, bread etc. I don't eat bread everyday. I don't eat pasta every week. I was eating beans everyday for a while because I am chronically constipated due to taking iron supplements for my iron-deficient anemia. I thought eating beans would get things moving. It didn't. I'm now on 2 doses of miralax a day. So I stopped eating beans everyday, once the miralax proved to be effective. I eat tomatoes in my salads, which I try to eat raw vegetables every day. I naturally drink a lot of fluids. I've gotten off balance with the gatorade drinking, and need to get back to including more water. I am going to stop buying soda as Caleb has been drinking my supply. I am going to see if I can stay awake without the caffeine. 

     Oh! I almost forgot! I was driving down the road on the island, and passed what looked like a Marine rucking. He was carrying a giant American flag. I quickly yelled "HOOAH!" out the window. I wonder if he heard me. I scared the shit out of Caleb. 

     I was trying to walk more everyday, but then I had a fibromyalgia flare up. It puts me in bed for several days each time. It's very painful all over. I stopped wearing my diabetic shoes, and started wearing my sandals. I only recently started wearing my diabetic shoes again. They have the custom insoles for plantar fasciitis and the lift to correct the unequal leg lengths. So I have to get use to them again. It's hard for me to reach my feet because of my size, so it was easier to wear shoes that I don't have to reach to put on, and could wear without socks. 

     My energy levels are not consistent, so my walking is not going to be consistent. Some days I feel closer to what a normal person might feel when they are just ok. Some days I feel completely disabled and unable to move. It's not up to me how I feel, it's up to what my body does. 

     I have chronic inflammation and so I started taking supplements to help fight it. I think they work, however, the collection is not cheap to maintain, so I will have to make some decisions.

     My eyes feel tired a lot. I brought this up to my ophthalmologist. He says to use this particular eye drop that is very expensive. I can't afford it. I may have to ask him to prescribe it. My eyes get to the point of being painful, and I have to rest. Regular eye drops are not enough. 

     I mean, I see a dietician every month as a part of a follow-up class. I see a therapist every 2 weeks. I see my psychiatrist every 3 months now we agree that we are finally normalizing. I take labs more than any body I know to monitor my diabetes. I am always striving to lower my A1C. I am always thinking about what else I could do to lose weight effectively and forever. I feel I am doing the best I can do. I am only human, and there are not many choices for me at this point. I have exhausted all the options. 

     Meanwhile, I can never manage to catch up and stay caught up on my chores. Part of it is training Caleb to clean up after himself. He is immature for his age and has struggles with mental health of his own. So the challenge is to work together. It's not easy. He rejects most of what I say at first. It takes time to get him to come around and really internalize what I am trying to teach. It does help that our abusers are no longer here. 

     The only one in this family who has no problems is Bella! LOL I've got to teach her to let me brush her teeth though. I hope the doggie toothpaste tastes good to her. 

     Today Caleb has his occupational therapy appointment in person, and I have two online classes. It is now 8:34 a.m. here and it's time to get started with our morning routines.