Today's prompt is " Did you have fun today? Because?" I did not have fun today, but I got things done.
It is now 2:26 a.m. here. I am awake because I am having trouble with my CPAP mask leaking, I am hot, and my brain wants to be awake. Yesterday we had a lot of appointments. I made it to the Wounded Warrior Project class, but I couldn't get in to the Veterans Path class. Caleb made it to his appointment. I was trying to make the most of our time in between, so I went out and took him shoe shopping. His shoes are so worn they have holes in the toes, and the shoe laces are barely there. I was going to wait until this weekend to take him, but I figured we had so much going on today that we wouldn't be focused on school anyway today. I would rather have a full day of school on the weekend, when there are no appointments.
Caleb is happy about his new shoes. He feels better about himself and it shows. I feel like I just bought him shoes a couple of months ago. The last time I bought him shoes we bought size 9.5 men's. Now he is wearing size 11 men's. That's what he wanted, and said felt comfortable so...
I was texting Rachel and we were talking about her daughter, Zhela, going to college. It made me think about my initial college experience. Well, maybe not initial, but my freshman year at UNCG. I started taking college classes in high school at Sandhills Community College. Anyway, I went away to UNC-Greensboro and lived on campus. I did not make friends right away. I was very different from my peers. I could not relax and have fun. I ate alone in the cafeteria every day. I did not talk to anybody in my classes. I just couldn't relate. On the outside I'm sure I looked normal. On the inside I was already dealing with mental health issues. I needed to be talking to a therapist about my dad and Sharon. I practically ran away to college to get away from them.
I felt bad for leaving Mathew behind to deal with them by himself, but I didn't know what else to do. Eventually I got a job on campus, but it was a part time job, so I couldn't afford to pay for housing off campus. Actually, I couldn't afford to go to school. I went to school and got a bill that I couldn't pay. My mom stepped in and helped me by taking out a parent student loan.
I was in a "relationship" with an older man, Geoff. I moved off campus to be with him. That lasted less than the Fall semester. I got pregnant, and secretly had an abortion. It tore me to pieces but I knew that I could not have his child. I refused to be tied to him for the rest of my life. I did not love him. He was abusive.
I moved back on campus. My roommate was pissed. She expected to have the room to herself since I moved out. She fought me, and pushed a tall chest of drawers onto me. I reported her and she moved out, leaving me with the room to myself.
I had a horrible time trying to keep up with my studies the fall of 2001. September 11th happened and the world changed.
Somehow I got back involved with my dad and Sharon. When a crisis strikes, it's hard not to want to be with family, no matter how fucked up they are.
That was back in the day when UNCG was just putting in a T3 cable for internet service. Napster was being used regularly , along with other downloading and file sharing sites. Music was "free", movies were "free." Cell phones were still very expensive. Smartphones did not exist. There was no such thing as wiFi. I had not heard of MySpace or Facebook yet. eBay was around and I used it to buy my beads for the hemp jewelry I was making. I did not have a car until my dad provided me with one. My step-grandparents had let me borrow their SUV to drive from my mom's house to UNCG, with expectation that I bring it back at some point. I brought it back during the Fall semester. I had gotten a speeding ticket driving from the house I shared with Geoff to school because I was running late and driving 80 mph in a 55 mph zone.
I thought I found a friend in Phayth. She was a strange girl who was in one of my classes. We decided to take a trip to my grandparents together to explore New York City and look for unique beads for my jewelry. That ended up badly. She had mental health issues that she never told me about. Apparently she had anxiety problems, and being in New York City made it worse. I didn't know how much she suffered and I didn't care at the time. I was young and had it in my head that we didn't drive all this way for nothing. I was selfish and uncaring. I lacked compassion for her. We argued and she left me there at my grandparents house with no way to get back home. My Aunt Lisa had to get me a train ticket to get back to school.
Without having knowledge of mental health problems, I was at a loss for having sympathy. It wasn't until I was older and started learning about mental health issues that I became aware how debilitating they can be. You tell me you have "anxiety", what does that mean to you? Everybody experiences it differently. I don't understand. I don't comprehend. Explain it to me Barney style so I can get it. I know I came off as a bitch. I was uneducated and ignorant.
Anna lived across the hallway from me and sometimes we would catch up. We had different schedules so it was hard to catch her. I connected with her, and wished we had become better friends sooner. We became roommates in the house we shared over the Summer of 2002. She was a waitress at an Italian food place, and I was a waitress at a Mexican food place. We had a lot of fun together that Summer. We would go out dancing at the clubs on the weekends. She would bring the Italians, and I would bring the gays.
We were too young to drink, so we didn't. We drank bottled water. We would stop at Food Lion on the way home and buy cherry vanilla ice cream and milk and make ourselves milkshakes to cool off at home. There was no air conditioner in the house.
I never thought of myself as pretty. I thought of other people as pretty, but not me.
I met Nigel at the club one night and he gave me his phone number. I was unsure if I wanted to call him. Eventually I did call him. He invited me over to share dinner together. He was a gentleman. He was also 10 years older than I was. I wasn't even 21 yet.
We got involved and the rest is history.
I got totally lost in who I was supposed to be. I finally came back to my senses when Mathew went to Basic Training. When I saw the difference in him at his basic training graduation, that was it for me. I knew I had to do better with my life. I was willing to do anything to escape the future that was directly in front of me. I wanted to change so bad that I went to Mathew's recruiter to get information on what I needed to do to enlist. I started changing before I shipped out. I was working to become a soldier before I went to MEPS. I had to lose weight and prepare for the physical hardship of basic training.
I married Nigel with the intention of staying connected to him when he enlisted. He never enlisted. As a matter of fact, he failed the ASVAB so badly that he did not even qualify for the lowest scoring MOS. I don't know if he did it on purpose. Why would he waste his time if it wasn't what he wanted to do?
I suspected he continued to smoke weed. I suspected he continued to drink alcohol. I suspected that he would "party" with cocaine. I suspected that at some point he was having an affair with another woman. I was away in training for more than a year. I was out of state, and there was no ability for him to visit me. He wasn't willing to make changes, but I was willing to give my life in service, even if it meant my death.
I did not know at the time that my legs were two different lengths. No wonder I had stress fractures in my femur and pelvis in basic training. There's a lot of marching and running involved in basic. No wonder I had recurring stress fractures in Combat Medic training. There's a lot of lifting soldiers involved, along with marching, and running. I was not treated for my different lengths of legs. I was put on crutches and in physical therapy. I was given Ibuprofen 800 to take multiple times a day. I was given muscle pain cream. I was not directed to a podiatrist for custom insoles and a lift for my boots.
I was ignorant and Airborne-hearted enough to apply for Airborne school... twice! Yep, even after I got my permanent profile, I applied and was given a slot. I lost my slot when I went AWOL due to being delirious, sleep deprived, and exhausted. I just wanted to catch up on sleep. I didn't have it in me to make it back on time. I needed to be in a hospital. I did not know I had sleep apnea. I did not know I was dying every night from oxygen deprivation. I did not know that snoring is a sign there is something wrong.
I had my first seizure in Ft. Lee. I was sitting there in the common room with other soldiers. I was sitting at a desk, and writing something in my notebook. Somebody noticed me, and took me to see the Drill Sergeant. I did not know what had happened. They took me to the hospital to be checked out. I do not remember what happened at the hospital, but nothing came of it. I was not referred to a specialist. I was not given medication to prevent it from happening again. I was not given education about what happened and why.
All these things caused me to be scared that I would get kicked out of the Army. I needed this job more than anything. I fought to stay in and serve.
I had completely forgotten about my seizure after it happened. I never thought about it again. I was not diagnosed with sleep apnea until a few years ago. I had to know what it was to ask my provider for testing first. I just got custom insoles and a lift a few weeks ago. I was in the Army from 2006-2010. The year now is 2020. Go figure. How much of my life could have be better had I had proper medical treatment earlier?
I am sure I had fibromyalgia in the Army too, but it was not diagnosed because I never went to have it checked out. I figured everybody was in pain like I was. I suffered depression in the Army, badly. I got that checked out once I got to duty station. I suffered Postpartum depression too. It did not help that I was expected to come back to work like I never had given birth. Men are so ignorant. I wish they could experience it at least once in a lifetime.
I was told by another soldier that he thought I had Asperger's. I did not know what that was either. I had to go look it up. Then I thought he might be right. I was confused about who I was and what I was. All kinds of new information came to light.
I would stay in bed for most of the weekends at Ft. Sam Houston because I hurt so badly all over. I did not realize that my condition was not normal, and did not want to be kicked out of the Army.
I had my first Panic Attack in Ft. Sam Houston. I think it came after the news of Mathew's friend dying in Afghanistan. I worried so much about Mathew being out there too. I was still in training. The only thing I had the power to do was pray. I did not know it was a panic attack at the time. I was taken to the Drill Sergeants, to be taken to the hospital. I thought I might be having a heart attack. They were all seasoned Combat Medics so they were able to calm me down.
I'm pretty sure I already had PTSD before I enlisted, but I was not diagnosed. Other events that occurred during my time in service and after my time in service added to the symptoms.
When I came home from Korea, back to the United States, I was weighing probably 180 lbs. By the time I got settled in my apartment in Wilmington, and started working out, I was about 220 lbs. I lost a lot of weight by doing my preferred exercises, and dropped down to 145 lbs. I weighed that much in 2013, before my hospitalization. After my hospitalization I faced one crisis after another and could only cry, eat, and sleep. If I had continued my workouts I would have been fine. I probably would have recovered faster. I was not in the right state of mind to be leaving my residence. I was heavily drugged.
I have been gaining weight ever since the Fall of 2013. I am now about 320 lbs. I was either depressed because the medication was not strong enough, or zombified because the medication was too strong. I am now at a point where I can function during the day, and sleep during the night- sometimes. At least I am not sleeping all day like I was when Caleb was going to school. I was so depressed, not having anything to do, or anyone to talk to. He would be gone all day. My only waking time was to put him on the bus and take him off the bus, get him showered, and fed, and ready for bed.
I had to realize what was happening to me to ask for help. There was nobody watching over me to say "You need to do this, that, and the other thing." I was living with just a little boy at the time. He didn't know anything to help me.
I was sleeping but I wasn't resting. I was always tired. I had sleep apnea and didn't know it yet.
Now, after all this time, and all these problems, I have been diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure as of relatively recently.
I knew I had iron deficient anemia in the Army because I could never give blood when it was time for all the troops to donate. My iron was always to low to donate.
I knew I had woman's health problems because I stopped having my period in training, or it would be really painful and heavy. I had my first colposcopy at Ft. Sam Houston. They thought there was something wrong from my pap smear. At some point along the way I was diagnosed with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.
I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome in training and given tramadol for the intestinal pain and cramps I was having.
The point is I've never been healthy. There have always been health problems. They weren't diagnosed because I did not have health insurance and/or was not taken to a doctor during my 18 years of living with my dad.
Now, I reach out for medical help for everything. They know more than I do, and I ask questions all the time. I take Caleb to the doctor on schedule. He sees medical help all the time and is being treated for his issues. I will not let him live his life in misery.
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