Today's prompt is "_____ was inspiring." I don't know, but I was feeling weird yesterday, but I was pushed to move. I didn't feel right, but I started to work anyway. I started to talk to myself out loud. I said " I can do this. I just have to do one thing at a time." I managed to finish loading the dishwasher and getting it started. Then I hand washed some dishes. I had to take a break as my back was aching. I then moved to work on the living room with Caleb. We moved out 3 kitchen sized trash bags of junk from the living room. I shop vacuumed the floor. The hardest part is over. Now it's just the details. It was overwhelming for so long, that I couldn't move to work on it. The job was just too big for me alone, and I couldn't get Caleb to help me out. We finally made progress, and Caleb earned himself his Bugatti Hot Wheels car.
It is 2:40 a.m. here now. I got up because I kept waking up, and then my brain wanted to work. So here I am, working with my brain. Yesterday was a rest day for me. I got up around 8:30 a.m. and wrote my blog. I did my morning routine with Caleb, but then didn't feel well and went to lay down in the bed. I got up around noon, and began my house work. Once the housework was over, Caleb went to his friend's house, and I went back to bed. I got up to make dinner and Caleb came back home just in time. I normally eat my dinner and take my night time medications, let my food and pills settle then go lay down. Yesterday was no different. I don't sleep well, so sometimes it takes a day or two of rest to try to catch up. My body and mind just can't anymore at that point.
Caleb just woke up. He said "mama!" and I said "bay-bay!" LOL I love my son. I missed him when he was away at his friend's house.
Yesterday I saw a large yellow butterfly flying in the same direction twice. It was like feeling deja-vu. People say things like that are signs, but signs of what?
I still have more work to do in the common area of my house, but I feel a lot better about it now. I found my compression socks. I thought I bought more than one pair, but maybe not. I also found my knee compression covers, that Mathew suggested I use when working out.
I forgot to mention that my podiatrist placed the consult for more diabetic shoes and I'm getting compression socks from the VA. Yay!
I also thought of something that I haven't mentioned before, at least I don't remember if I did mention it. Caleb was hospitalized last year, before my dad was forced to move out last year. He was inhaling inhalants, and trying to kill himself. He did not want to live because of my dad and Sharon. My baby boy was hurting inside so bad. We just passed the anniversary of that.
We also just passed the 7 year anniversary of my hospitalization. 2013. That's why I wanted photos so bad. Even though I really couldn't afford to have a photographer take our pictures, I spent money I really didn't have to get them taken. It's the first time we have taken professional photos together since 2013 just before I was hospitalized.
I'm so thirsty. I need water. I don't want to get up to get it. Caleb has gone back to bed. Ok I got my sugar free water based drink. I'm good.
Today we are going to work on the "classroom" cleaning some more. If I can just move that furniture to where I want it, that would be great. Hopefully by the end of the day, the kitchen will be like I want it, and so will the living room. I have dishes to wash, and laundry to wash. I have carpet that needs to vacuumed and cleaned. I have trash that needs to be taken out to the bin. I can't wait to have clean spaces again. Hopefully Caleb will learn from this experience and help me keep it clean this time around. I am finally moving "my room" of stuff from where I was living in the living room to my bedroom where I can put things away.
Today we are also going to rest, just like yesterday. It's going to be a long week ahead of us, full of school, online classes, and appointments.
I get emails from Generations Church. They are starting up their youth group meetings soon. I would like Caleb to attend, but I do not know how he can attend and be socially distant at the same time. If I am keeping Caleb at home, I mean, there is a reason. I am a high risk for complications if I get COVID-19, and could die. I don't know. I emailed them to see if he could participate virtually. I don't want him to be left out.
Generations Church is also starting their small groups sessions. I was trying to begin them before COVID-19, and was taking steps to join. I don't want to risk in-person meetings.
Generations Church is a non-denominational modern Christian church. I like their style. I wish to meet others who go there and make friends.
So I am supposed to be working in a group for the Wounded Warrior Project class to do a virtual scavenger hunt. I am not motivated to do what I am supposed to do, and feel like I am failing my team mates. I just have too much other stuff that outranks that.
I missed the Thursday Veterans Path class, so I need to catch up on that. I tried to join the meeting, but I couldn't because the button was grayed out. I was exhausted and didn't want to force myself through it anyway. So I will have to catch up today sometime.
I signed up for a short class on "Conscious Parenting" for today. So I don't want to forget that. I think it help me in a way that I wanted from my books, but haven't read the books yet.
I want to Caleb hooked on Adventure Academy, but he has to use my computer to do it. I wonder if he can play on his phone? I will have to try it out.
My workspace is becoming a heaping pile of paperwork and odds and ends. I need to clean it up. I've got some filing to do.
So this month I have successfully paid off two credit line accounts. Done. Forever. So far this year I have paid off 4 accounts in total. Two accounts I had to reuse. I was hoping to free up some cash, but I have to recycle it to pay off my 0% interest promotional accounts before they expire.
Chugging down the water!
It is now 3:29 a.m. here. Caleb is asleep and Bella never left the bed. Sponge Bob is now on.
Overall, I feel ok. I feel like I've made this far, and eventually I am going to make it to my goals. I am using the alpha-stim daily at least once a day, sometimes twice. I am using my essential oils when I remember them. I am now using the eye ointment Caleb's optometrist told me about at night. My eyes don't hurt as frequently during the night or day. I don't use the mouth spray like I should. I asked my primary care provider if there is such a thing as an "obesity specialist." They said they do not refer to any such thing, only a dietician. How ignorant.
I had the talk with my psychiatrist about my sexual dysfunction. We had a long conversation about my options and the risks associated with each. I decided that I would keep the sexual dysfunction in exchange for my mental health.
Just like I had to decide to whether or not I should keep the weight gain or be without seizures and nerve pain. These are not easy decisions to make. They impact my quality of life. They directly impact my health.
Who is going to love me like this? Am I going to be without a partner for the rest of my life? Most days I don't care if I am attractive. I have work that needs to be done, and I put no effort in how I look. Will someone be able to see through my exterior? Who wants to be in a relationship with a partner who is uninterested in sex?
Honestly, I had hoped to have found someone by now. I wanted Caleb to have someone to call "dad." I didn't find the right person.
The world is crazy right now, and I am just trying to find my place and my tribe. I know I am not alone, but where are the others like me? I am trying to sort my life out, and figure things out that previously I could not for one reason or another. I am trying to rebuild who I am now, as a result of my experiences. I want to share my trials and tribulations in the hopes that someone might find that he or she is not alone either. I am working on forgiving myself for my mistakes, and others for theirs. I am observing points of interest from a 37 year old lens the things that marked me from my past, and making changes to how I react to things in the present. Well, I am trying anyway. I am trying to train my brain to undo the results of traumas. I want inner peace for myself.
I want to train my body. I want to physically and mentally fit. I want to reverse the effects of aging. The women veterans' yoga group is about to go online from the VA. We do chair yoga for us disabled folks. It is really awesome. I miss it. I use to go every week. It got to be too much in my schedule and I was getting burned out, so I had to quit. It's a one hour drive to the VA clinic where it was being held. I hope that when things get back to "normal", that she continues to deliver the class online so that I may participate without driving for 2 hours.
Caleb's friend's mom, and my friend, Shannon, has a fitness studio. She was offering a gentle yoga class. I am waiting to hear when the next class is so that I might be able to go and meet some like-minded women.
I have to get my weeds mowed. It's not grass, it's weeds! LOL I can't afford to pay the guy who does it for me until after the first of the month, so I hope I don't attract any negative attention from the town about it.
I have been forgetting to drive the Volvo, and I've got to do that today too. I don't know where I will go but I've got to make it worth it because I can't afford to waste gas.
Oh I know! I need vegetables to cook tonight, and for the next few days.
I've been thinking I need to burn some sage too. I haven't done that in a long time, and I feel it needs to be done. It keeps crossing my mind, so it must be important.
I'm almost done drinking my 84 fluid ounce water. It goes quickly.
The next big project of housework will be clearing out Caleb's room. It's a hot mess in there! He can't do it by himself, but for a while there he was telling me he didn't want my help either. I had to wait for him to come around to realizing that I can help him. We might work on that next weekend. We shall see. It just depends on how exhausted I am, and if I can work.
There are so many things I want to buy, but I am trying to not use my credit cards at all. I really need to pay them down but I'm in this cycle of reusing them.
I am feeling sick so I have to quit.
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