Today's prompt is " If you could wish for one thing today, what would it be?" To make enough money to never be debt again.
It is 8:33 a/m/ and I am just waking up. I only got up once last night, around 11:00 p.m. I feel like I slept good otherwise. I actually had dreams! I'm still a little sleepy now, but I had to get up to use the bathroom and let Bella out.
Yesterday I struggled to do much. I was fine for my therapy appointment, which went well. It rained most of the day, and that has an effect on me. Surprisingly I was not in a lot of pain like usual. I'm running on my last few dollars until the end of the month. I'm trying not to stress about it. I just filled my gas tank. Hopefully I don't have to go anywhere. I actually felt like I was grounded this morning when I got up. It was great. I sleep better when I feel like I can feel the gravity keeping me down on the bed. I didn't experience the muscle spasms, the vibrations in my backside, or the restless feet and legs that have become normal.
I feel like I need a day of rest where I don't attempt to do so much. However, I know I have so many things I need to do.
I had so many things on y mind last night, perhaps I should had gotten up and wrote my blog then. I have nothing coming to mind now.
My Granny and Pepere called yesterday. I like talking to them and keeping in touch. I wish they weren't so far away so I could visit more often. I can't drive far away, and neither can they.
Mariel is recovering from having her wisdom teeth removed. I haven't heard much from Max.
Mom and Kenneth are taking a weekend at the beach this weekend. They wanted to visit us, but it really isn't a good time. I can't seem to get my house clean. I struggle so much. Every day I try to do what I can, and it is never enough. Never. It makes me feel like a shitty parent.
I reach out to family to socialize, especially Nichole. She hasn't been talking to me since the one post I made. I don't blame her, but I miss her. I miss the kids. I miss my goofy brother. I am trying to give them space. It's not an easy time as it is. Last week was out first week of having the children go to school. Her kids are distance learning.
Caleb is learning to play golf with the neighbor across the street. His name is Mark and is relatively new to the neighborhood. He helped us jumpstart the Mazda one day. I think he fills the void of Roger passing.
I don't like having my disability status questioned. I didn't ask to be disabled. I would much rather be making my small fortune working. I worked until I could no longer work. Just because I am on Social Security before 65 doesn't make me a fraud. I am not taking anything from anybody by being disabled. I paid into the system too. I had to prove my disabilities the same as everyone else. I was not given a free pass. My struggles are real whether you believe them or not. Not all disabilities are visible! I don't have to prove myself to anybody. I don't have to explain myself to anybody.
I do not take ownership of other people's feelings and emotions anymore. I did once, and it nearly killed me as I suffocated my own feelings and emotions as a result. I take ownership of my own feelings and emotions, try to understand them, and try to let them pass freely. I have been in therapy for roughly 7 years and have picked up a lot of tools. I also read and take classes to learn how to handle tough emotions, PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I want to be a better version of myself. This blog helps me put things in perspective. I am able to express myself freely, without interruption. I am not being held back.
I do not enjoy being marginalized. I am a minority of a minority of a minority. I still have a voice. I have been abused for most of my life. I will not allow it to continue. I will not keep my mouth shut and walk on egg shells for anybody ever again.
I am growing and there will be growing pains. I am learning to live a better life with the circumstances I have to deal with. I want to be happy. I want to be safe. I want to be loved.
I let people know how I feel about them. I love my family, no matter how ill they are. They are the only family I have. I don't know when I will die. I have sleep apnea and could die in my sleep any night. I have seizures and could fall and hit my head and die any day. I have high blood pressure and diabetes. These things can lead to my untimely death. And there's no predicting accidents. I don't live like I am going to survive forever. I don't live like I am going to make it to 65. I have to try every day to change what I can to become healthier.
I try my best to be transparent. I don't write to hurt anybody. I want to be heard. I live alone with my son and my dog and have very few friends. I don't get the opportunity to communicate my adult feelings very often if I don't write.
I am tired of trying to compete with able-bodied adults my age. I can not compete. I am trying to not feel like a complete failure. "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter", Linkin Park. Feels like my theme song.
When people ask what I do for a living, I have to respond. I have become use to saying "I am a disabled veteran and single, stay at home mom." People are curious and sympathetic usually. I have yet to come across a rude person at the Veteran's only parking spot. I am blessed, because some people refuse to acknowledge that there are women veterans. I am one of the youngest disabled veterans at my VA clinic. I am one of the few women veterans. I am the only woman at my VFW, and one of the few women at my DAV. Women are greatly under-represented.
I feel for the homeless. I could be homeless. I have asked in advance if I could stay with a few people once my son leaves the nest. One person said absolutely. I do not think I can survive my mental issues living alone.
Travis was homeless when I let him move in. He was sleeping on Billy's couch. My dad and Sharon were living in an extended stay hotel and about to get kicked out when I offered them a place to stay. Christinia couldn't pay her bills to keep the electricity on when I offered her a place to stay. I hope that someone will look out for me the way I attempted to look for my fellow brothers and sisters in arms.
Billy is selling his house next to mine. I found out when the real estate agent showed up and I was outside. She introduced herself as she went into the house. I guess I should have expected it. That house requires a lot of work that only an investor could afford. Billy hasn't lived in that house for more than a year.
I am chugging the Dew this morning. Just trying to wake up. I have been using the alpha-stim every day. It is supposed to bring my brain back to baseline functioning, out of the depression and anxiety zones.
I am my own task master. I am very hard on myself. I want to do so much, and can't.
I regret not being able to continue my Army career. I was not a good soldier. I couldn't run, which is a standard requirement. I was good at my MOS. I hated most of my NCOICs. I was lonely, but I was working. I was providing a service that a lot of people can't or won't do. Before Caleb was born, I was willing to go anywhere. I even tried to complete my degree in time to become a commissioned Officer. I wanted a job that would make a difference.
I need to get started with my day. It is now 10:04 a.m. here.
No comments:
Post a Comment