Wednesday, August 12, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 85

      Today's prompt is "_____ made you laugh." Caleb made me laugh. I scared him yesterday. I went in to Lowe's foods to buy some salad ingredients, and he stayed in the Mazda. As I approached the Mazda, I crept up to his window, and yelled "Rah!" and slapped the window. He jumped inches from his seat! I couldn't help myself. He had called me while I was shopping and told me that he had to pee. The timing was right. I was going to make him pee his pants. I almost did! Bahahaha!

     Caleb says it's not funny when I scare him, but he like to jump out and scare Bella, so what's the difference? Oooh. Did he learn a lesson? Perhaps!

     It is now 4:57 a.m. here. During the night I nearly drowned myself in Gatorade. I was trying to drink it laying down. That wasn't very smart of me. Caleb slept with me in my bed last night. He doesn't usually do that. I guess Bella ran out of space, because when I woke up she was in her crate. I was getting too hot and the yuck mouth. Yuck mouth is from breathing through my mouth with the CPAP on and drinking non-soda. Diet Mountain Dew clears it right up. 

     Yesterday I started working on getting ready for the school year. I created some forms in Excel for us to manage our time, like a calendar, daily journal, and chore chart. I organized my necessary files in my new file system. I printed out files for Caleb to manage his his records. He is going in to the 6th grade, so it is important that he learns how to be responsible for himself and his belongings.

     Caleb had his eye doctor appointment yesterday, so we went the majority of the day driving to and from his appointment. He has 20/20 vision, so he is good to go. While we were there, I asked the doctor why my eyes are red when I wake up. She says it's common for people who use a CPAP to have dry eyes. I need to use an eye ointment before I go to bed every night. So she saved from having to go back to my eye doctor just to ask a question. She is so nice!

     Other than that, much wasn't done. There just wasn't the time. By the time we got home, it was already close to 4:00 p.m. That's the end of my day right there. I usually have dinner before 6:00p.m. and go lay down for the night. 

     I did have a deep discussion with Nichole yesterday morning. We were talking about losing people to death. She lost 2 family members in 2 weeks. We started talking about our parents. I talked about my dad. I told her that I would not be who I am without my dad. I did not mean in a direct way. I meant indirectly. Information was available , some of it he provided, and I made choices based on the information I had at the time. Also, I did mean the abusive relationship we had. I was talking more about the good things about my dad though. I mentioned how it is not safe to be around him anymore, and that he is mentally unstable. I also mentioned that he was a hard worker, and it wasn't easy being a single parent. I was talking about forgiveness, and how I hope to be able to say good things about my dad at his funeral when the time comes. 

     She talked about her dad, and how she thought she would not attend his funeral. He abused her as a child.

     Somehow we got on the conversation about how I forgot Caleb's biological father's name, and because of that, he would never know half of his family. We also talked about how my grandma          de Mello passed away last year, and the memorial was available live stream online. 

     My phone died before we could finish our conversation. 

     I wonder if my grandma de Mello is watching me from Heaven. She struggled for so long with Alzheimer's. She is the only family member I have ever known who has died. God rest her soul. 

     I have been using my alpha-stim at least once daily for 60 minutes. I hope to continue its use. It's supposed to help with depression, pain, PTSD, and anxiety. It may help other things too, but I don't remember. If it helps me at all, it will be a good investment of my time. It has helped me with anxiety in the past. 

     Today I am going to get the Volvo inspected first thing in the morning. I have to get there before the inspection station opens to be the first so I don't have to spend all day waiting. 

     I think I am doing pretty good now that I have recovered from my flare up. Man! When I get pulled down into that, it's like there's no light in the world anymore. When I recover from it, it's like the light has returned! 

     I have a lot more planning to do before school starts on Monday. I've got to help Caleb get set up. I might make that our first day's assignment, instead of trying to do it before school starts. I don't want to do it for him. I want him to do it with guidance from me. He has a number of notebooks, folders, and binders, pencils, erasers, and pens. I know he can do it. I want to get out of the habit of doing do much for him. He is getting to be a young man, and needs these simple skills to help him later in life. 

     I have almost forgotten about sending out the photos. I do not have money at this time, so it will have to wait. 

     I have not been meditating, doing chair yoga, using essential oils for the most part, reading my books, or listening to my favorite music. I have just been surviving. I am going to incorporate some of these things into our daily lives as a part of school. 

     Getting the living room cleaned up is a priority. I want Caleb to be able to relax without the clutter. Hell! I want to be able to relax without the clutter! LOL I want to use the bookcases for our school stuff. 

     Bella took my spot on the bed once I got up. LOL I think she loves the bed too. My little sugar baby.

     Whew! Just made a flavored ice water drink! Brain freeze!

     Presidential Candidate, Former Vice President Biden just chose his running mate, California Senator Kamala Harris. That's exciting news. I'm ready to vote. Where's my ballot? I hate Trump and all he stands for.

     Mathew's birthday is Monday. He turns 36. We are growing old together. He is in much better shape than I am. He has taken a liking to weight lifting, and it shows! He is also getting a promotion towards the end of the month. I think he has served in the Army for 14 or more years now. It's amazing to watch him succeed. I wish I could have done the same. 

     It's quiet in here. It isn't usually quiet. Ever. All I hear are the keys as I type, and the air conditioner running. Well, Caleb just came in the room and turned on the tv. I spoke too soon! LOL He has an internal mommy sensor that alerts him when I am not in range. 

     My Aunt Lisa's kids are getting ready to start college in September. That's pretty exciting too. They will be doing their work online due to COVID19. I wish I could buy them cool stuff. I see cool stuff and think of them. Unfortunately, I am barely paying my bills. 

     There is still a mandatory evacuation of part of the island due to Isaias. People are unable to restore power to their homes until the sewer has been restored. Apparently there is a problem somewhere. The Mayor does not want electricity restored until water can be provided at the fire hydrants, in case an electrical fire starts. They are inspecting all homes in the beach front area for possible electrical problems due to the storm surge and salt water. 

     We are still in phase 2 of COVID19 recovery at the state level for a few more weeks. People still have a hard time wrapping their heads around wearing masks for some odd reason. 

     A company who has used tax dollars to the tune of a billion dollars wants to sell the vaccine for COVID19 for a profit. What the Hell is that about?!

     Sex trafficking is not being put in the media, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. It's such a huge global problem. 

     Our county has decided that all schools will be doing school online for the first 4.5 weeks. A re-evaluation will be made at 4 weeks. Everyone was given the choice to volunteer to do online school for the whole Fall semester by individual student. 

     I got my home school application approved on Monday, and withdrew Caleb from his middle school. So, we are all set on that front. 

     I registered for a Veterans Path Mindfulness class yesterday. My days are going to be full, but I am excited about the future. I don't feel like my only purpose is to pay the bills, cook, and clean anymore. It's an important step in building myself back up. My life is not what I planned for it to be. As a matter of fact, it's so different from what I planned, that I have had trouble regaining my footing. 

     At this point in life, I thought I would have a career working for the government in logistics. I did not plan for Caleb to need so much work. I did not plan to become disabled. I also did not plan to not be able to depend on my dad for support. I never expected my life to turn out the way it has. It's been quite a journey. 

     Well, Caleb is wide awake, but I think I am going to go back to bed for a little while before we have to go to the inspection station.  

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