Monday, August 17, 2020

5 Year Journal Day 90

      Today's prompt is "Pick a color for today." I choose sea glass green. 

     It is 4:40 a.m. here now. I am the only one up. I could not sleep anymore due to my brain thinking thoughts instead of dreaming. Yesterday we didn't so much. It was Sunday, so I wasn't pushing myself. Caleb did move two of the smaller bookcases to where I wanted them for me. We ended up going grocery shopping for vegetables. It was very hot outside and it drained me. 

     On Monday mornings I weigh in. Today's news is not good. I put on 6.8lbs in a week. It's actually to be expected as I am about to start my period though. I'm just gonna keep on keepin on. 

     Part of our opening school schedule this week is preparing the classroom. I was not able to do this in advance as I would have liked, so it will have to be done as we can do it. It's a giant task, make no mistake about it. There is a reason I can't get it completed. I run in circles cleaning the kitchen everyday, and have no time or energy for anything else. If I could afford to pay for help, I would. 

     I stretched before I got out of bed this morning and heard so many pops and cracklins. I was warm for most of the night even though I know it's cold in here. I uncovered myself to try to sleep the whole night through. I even changed positions to try to air out my back in front of the fan. It didn't work. I have always needed it to be cold, even as a child. I just run very hot. 

     I told Nichole something that I want to share. I said, " As I get older, I feel closer to death, and I don't want to leave anybody behind thinking I don't love them." 

     I told my Aunt Lisa something too. I told her she was the only one who ever stood up for us, up to my dad about him abusing us. 

     I took a shower yesterday and as I wet my head, to shampoo my hair, I could feel an enormous amount of heat coming from my head. I wasn't taking a hot shower, I was taking a lukewarm shower. I can not take hot showers because I start to have rapid heart beat, it's hard to breathe, and I feel dizzy like I'm going to fall. It's scary. I like to wash in hot wash water, and rinse in cool water. It makes getting the funk off easier. I broke the handle to the shower water, and have not replaced it yet, so it requires pliers to change the temperature of the water. I never have the pliers when I go to shower, so I just make sure it is lukewarm before I get in. 

     Bella smells like corn chips again. That means it's time for Bella spa day. So we might be washing Bella this week as part of school. 

     I forgot that I have to start saving money to have this old furniture hauled away. It will cost $500 to have 2 guys come and take it away. It's not a little bit of money there. I have a feeling I will not be able to send gifts this holiday season, again. I hate that. I like to give gifts too. Maybe we can make things to give as art projects. 

     I'm struggling with my bad habits. I want to quit vaping. I am getting frustrated by the USPS delivery problems. My ejuice has been sitting in Greensboro for days and not moved anywhere. If I run out, I will not go to the store and buy more. I will just have to deal with it. I want to quit vaping, and instead use my alpha-stim in its place. I want to quit drinking caffeinated Diet Mountain Dew, and instead drink de-caffeinated sugar free soda in its place. I believe I can do it. I am actively working on it now. I just have to take it one step at a time.  

     So, I only have two more bookcases to move now. They are twice the size of the ones Caleb moved. One has to be moved all the way across the room. The other just has to be moved a couple feet. I am dying to get the trash out of my house once and for all. I want to have a nice living room, where I can sit with guests. I have yet to sit on the couch. Caleb asks me all the time to lay down with him on the couch and test it. It looks very comfortable. I want to have everything in its place and organized, easy to clean. 

     I forgot to get Caleb to take the trash to the road for pick up yesterday, so it would be there when the truck comes. Actually I didn't forget, I just didn't continue to tell Caleb to get it done, after the first time I told him.

     I am behind on the laundry again. I never caught up. 

     Today is Mathew's birthday. He may or may not get the envelope of photos that I sent today. It may be tomorrow before he gets them. At least I was able to send him those. He turns 36 this year. He is home for the time being, and on leave with his family. I'm happy he made it home safely. 

     I haven't heard from Eric about his baby. I'm sure she is growing quickly. She was born at the end of May, I think. 

     I haven't heard from Sherri either. I have to track those two down if I want to know how they are doing. 

     I've been signing petitions again lately. Ever once in a while I try to catch up on what's going on out there in the world. I definitely want to change the USPS leadership. I want Trump out of office. I want marijuana legalized in the United States. I want women to have rights over their own bodies. I want more green energy usage. I want a damn decision made about the COVID-19 relief funds! I want the 1% to pay their fair share of taxes. I want people out of cages. I want Dreamers protected. I want everyone to wear a damn mask! I want Medicare for all. I want those who join our armed forces to be given citizenship.

     I am different from the people who live around me, so I do not have many friends here. I am not a Republican by any means. I am not a white man, and so that will never be my party.

     I've been asked to donate to one thing or another almost on a daily basis. I don't have money to put gas in the car, I can't support my choices with money. 

     I started wearing my diabetic shoes yesterday again. I have been wearing my sandals that I superglued the Dr. Scholl's heel pain insole into. It has made my life easier because I didn't have to wear socks. I am supposed to be wearing compression socks, and I forgot all about that. I have to find them because I don't know where I put them. I just started thinking about it because I go to see my podiatrist this week. Luckily, I have not been having foot pain lately. 

     I thought about wearing a dress to Caleb's appointment today. I might. I might not. We shall see. I like to take pictures in my dresses that I have not worn since I bought them. I have nowhere else to go. You never know when you might need a nice dress. I don't like dresses with sleeves so I tend to buy more in the summer than any other season. I have been on a hiatus lately. I am trying to pay off my credit cards. I have so much clothes that never get worn because I spend so much time at home. I might decide to wear nice things on Tuesdays and Thursdays for my online classes. 

     I lost an earring and I only noticed it yesterday. I hope my piercing did not close. 

     Caleb woke me up from a deep sleep yesterday afternoon to ask me if he could have a friend over. The answer is no for the time being. We have to clean his messes up first. Then he asked me if he could go to his friend's house. The answer was yes, but only because I will still mostly asleep. I woke up and told him no! Caleb was supposed to be grounded for the day for his behavior Saturday. He was not allowed to go anywhere. He got very upset at me. I told him, I am not to blame. He made the choices, he pays the consequences. You see Saturday, Caleb asked to go for a walk to the park. I let him go. I have been texting him when to come home recently, instead of wasting my time trying to call him. So, when I was ready for him to come home, I texted him. "Come home Now." "You have 12 minutes to get home or you will be grounded. Time now is 12:27." That is how I have been communicating with him the severity of his prior choice to not come home when told to do so. He told me no! He said I was being a bitch, that I am annoying to him and that's why he has to leave the house. I told him that if I have to go get him, I am going to embarrass him!  He said he didn't care. I told him he was not working towards getting the Bugatti he wants. He didn't care. I waited. When 12 minutes had passed and Caleb was not home, I went to get him. I drove down to the park, parked the Mazda, and walked up to him, ready to make a spectacle. I was already looking a hot mess. I had not done my hair and it was crazy looking. I thought I was going to be loud, but then I changed my mind. Caleb walked up to me, and said "Where'd you come from?" I said "Get in the car." I was pissed. I didn't act out though. I kept my cool. Caleb had 2 fishing poles in his hands. I still don't know the truth about where they came from. So, that is how Caleb earned his grounding. 

     Yesterday Caleb gave me a hard time about taking his afternoon medications. I got tired, and wanted a nap. I let it go. I was not going to stuff pills down his throat. Just like I told Nichole, if he gets into trouble because he didn't take his medications, that's on him. It was his choice. He will pay the consequences. 

     So, I'm trying to keep the kitchen island clean. If we keep it clear, it looks so much better, and I can put groceries up there when we bring them home, so I can sort through them and put them away. Caleb has a bad habit of leaving crumbs, empty cans from soda, and dirty dishes up there. It's a clusterfuck! If I wasn't heavily medicated I might blow up at the number of times I have to clean up after him. 

     I'm in the process of making us a more efficient team. It takes Caleb a long time to learn new habits, and a lot of repetition. He has ODD so that makes it more difficult. He wants to argue and get angry at every little request. It's tiring. You would think I'm the enemy or something. How hard is it to put dirty dishes in the sink? 

     So far I have trained him to take the trash out, take the recycling out, empty the dishwasher, empty the dish strainer, give Bella food and water, and let Bella outside throughout the day. Usually I can get him to cooperate on helping me gather the dirty laundry so I can wash it. I have not trained him to properly put away his clean clothes. He is fighting me on that. I have not been successful at training him to not throw trash on the floor, and pick it up and throw it in the trash can. I have not gotten him to the point where he puts the dirty dishes in the sink without me asking a thousand times. So, that's where we stand on that. 

     It is now 6:04 a.m. and I am still the only one up. It's nice and quiet. The tv is on sleep mode. The only noise is coming from my typing and the air conditioners. It's still dark outside. I just heard Bella's tinkling collar, so she must have gotten up from the bed. 

     Today is supposed to be the first day of school. Caleb has an in person appointment with his therapist today. That will likely consume the majority of the afternoon as it is not exactly close by. We are going to create a de Mello school Code of Conduct together. Then we will start working on cleaning up the living room/classroom area. 

     I am on my third Dew. That's cutting my usual down in at least half. I am not using the alpha-stim while I am typing this morning. I just didn't feel like doing it so early. Caleb will likely not be awake for a couple of hours. I am sweating. My skin feels cold to the touch, but my core is a raging fire. 

     I don't know what I will do now. I might just lay in bed with my alpha-stim. 









      


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