Today's prompt is "Who do you feel closest to?" I would have to say my Aunt Lisa.
It is now 7:07 a.m. here. I am wide awake. I did not feel grounded in my sleep and kept waking up. I still feel better today than I did yesterday morning. I was hot last night, even with the air conditioners on and a fan blowing on me. I slept mostly uncovered. I just covered my arms and face with my blanket. I don't know. I do know that I create more body heat during my period. I'm not menstruating. I take birth control pills and my doctor only wants me to have a period every 3 months. That means I take 3 weeks of birth control pills and start a new cycle, effectively skipping my period. This month I am not skipping, but my cycle is so jacked up that I still don't menstruate. I have PMS though and cramps. I have PCOS so that's why I skip my periods with medications. It's painful and unnecessary.
Yesterday I did not accomplish much. I was slow in the morning, as I get when it rains. I went to my appointment at the VA, only to find out that it was supposed to be a phone call appointment. Damn! I drove all the way there, an hour's drive, for no damn reason. So we started back home. I wasted all that gas for no reason. It's not like I have a lot of money sitting around. These things matter a lot! Not only that but I wasted an entire afternoon driving back and forth for no reason. Caleb could have been in school. I felt like shit.
Yesterday I found out that both Mathew and Nichole read my blog. Let me say they were not happy. Let me also say that I did not write about their choice of president to hurt them. I did it to try to understand why. This blog is a journal. I have been writing since February as a way to deal with the events in my life and express myself. I did apologize for the reaction I caused, as it was not intentional. I would never intentionally hurt either one of them, as I love them. They are important to me. I'm naturally curious. I have to gather my thoughts, as I forget things almost as fast as they happen. That's not an exaggeration. I keep notes of everything I do, every day. I will not remember it in the morning. That's true for most things.
The importance of the conversation, to me, was that it was emotionally charged enough to make me cry. I have not cried since February. I have a hard time crying. I can't, even when I want to. It's difficult to feel those emotions in the raw and let them process. I am close enough to my brother that a conversation with him is enough to make me let the tears flow. I needed that, and he didn't even know. I have held so much inside. I talk about stuff all the time, but that my intellect talking, it's not necessarily my emotional body.
When I talk about how I have been abused, I am talking about this past January, after Christinia left. I am also talking about the whole time Christinia lived with me. I am also talking about last Fall, when my dad was forced to leave. I am also talking about the entire time my dad and Sharon lived with me. These are recent events. I am not drawing from my childhood. I am still healing from recent abuses. That's what I have going on that's personal.
Then March comes around and changes the world for everybody with the pandemic. At some point Mathew deployed in early 2020. I struggled with finances ever since Christinia moved out. It seems it's like one unexpected emergency expense after another and I'm literally broke all of the time. I've been alone with Caleb since January for the first time in years. I'm afraid to have a seizure at any point. I'm afraid to have any reason to go the hospital as I do not have a support system here. I don't want to lose my son again. It was in February that I started really planning for my death. I reached out to My Aunt Lisa and she provided Caleb a phone so that if something happens, he always has access to 911 and to family members.
The biggest reason to have another adult live with me is to care for Caleb if something happens. It's not out of the realm of possibility. I've had 2 seizures already. One was a big one, and the ambulance was called. I had adults here at the time and they witnessed what happened. Caleb would not have known what to do as it had never happened before and we never planned on it happening. It happened again while I was pulling out of a parking space. If it had been a minute later, I would have been in traffic. Again, another adult was present, or I would not have even known it happened. It's scary stuff. I don't know what causes them, so I don't know how to prevent them. The first time, I was just sitting at the table to eat dinner. Nothing special. '
Travis moved in when I could not drive for 6 months due to having a seizure. I needed a personal driver and he was unemployed due to disability. He didn't mind driving all over the place as needed. Shortly after he moved out, I invited my dad and Sharon to move in to do the same. We would take care of each other, and they could help me raise Caleb. It reduced some stresses I had about living alone with a child with the possibility of seizing.
As we all know, it didn't work out, but it wasn't for lack of trying. I arranged for Christinia to move in to help her more than to help me. She was living in dire straits in Iowa by herself, losing her mind, with her toddler daughter alone. I thought I could help her, but she was not upfront about her mental health, or lack thereof.
So that's 3 different veterans I attempted to help. I was able to help Travis get his VA disability claim approved. I worked on my dad's VA claim. I started working on Christinia's claim. She had no clue.
Anyhow, I wanted to say that my morbid obesity is not solely my fault. It is secondary to major depression with psychotic features and the medications I take for that and PTSD. Diabetes and high blood pressure is caused my morbid obesity. I have also heard from fibromyalgia patients taking the same medication I am that it caused a lot of weight gain. In any case, I take a lot of medications now, and all of them have side effects. I walked around like a zombie for years. I could not stay awake. I was even prescribed Ritalin to encourage wakefulness during the day. That's where the caffeine came in. I'm no good to anyone if I can't stay awake. I slept all day and all night for years before getting the help I needed. I am finally able to have an almost normal day now that my abusers have left the environment. Oh, did I mention that they were the cause of depression relapse?
I think people see me and automatically assume that I eat unhealthy fast foods all the time. That couldn't be further from the truth. I spend a lot of money trying to eat enough fresh vegetables and meats in not only my diet, but Caleb's diet as well. I cook every night. I only relatively recently started eating carbohydrates again. The only fat I eat is from olive oil and the natural fat on the meat occasionally. My worst diet habit is soda. I don't eat sugar, at all, since I was diagnosed diabetic. I don't eat fruits anymore, as I can't control myself. I was on the keto diet for a little over 2 months earlier this year, and quit when I started gaining weight again. If I'm not going to lose weight, I'm not going to sacrifice my beans, pasta, tomatoes, bread etc. I don't eat bread everyday. I don't eat pasta every week. I was eating beans everyday for a while because I am chronically constipated due to taking iron supplements for my iron-deficient anemia. I thought eating beans would get things moving. It didn't. I'm now on 2 doses of miralax a day. So I stopped eating beans everyday, once the miralax proved to be effective. I eat tomatoes in my salads, which I try to eat raw vegetables every day. I naturally drink a lot of fluids. I've gotten off balance with the gatorade drinking, and need to get back to including more water. I am going to stop buying soda as Caleb has been drinking my supply. I am going to see if I can stay awake without the caffeine.
Oh! I almost forgot! I was driving down the road on the island, and passed what looked like a Marine rucking. He was carrying a giant American flag. I quickly yelled "HOOAH!" out the window. I wonder if he heard me. I scared the shit out of Caleb.
I was trying to walk more everyday, but then I had a fibromyalgia flare up. It puts me in bed for several days each time. It's very painful all over. I stopped wearing my diabetic shoes, and started wearing my sandals. I only recently started wearing my diabetic shoes again. They have the custom insoles for plantar fasciitis and the lift to correct the unequal leg lengths. So I have to get use to them again. It's hard for me to reach my feet because of my size, so it was easier to wear shoes that I don't have to reach to put on, and could wear without socks.
My energy levels are not consistent, so my walking is not going to be consistent. Some days I feel closer to what a normal person might feel when they are just ok. Some days I feel completely disabled and unable to move. It's not up to me how I feel, it's up to what my body does.
I have chronic inflammation and so I started taking supplements to help fight it. I think they work, however, the collection is not cheap to maintain, so I will have to make some decisions.
My eyes feel tired a lot. I brought this up to my ophthalmologist. He says to use this particular eye drop that is very expensive. I can't afford it. I may have to ask him to prescribe it. My eyes get to the point of being painful, and I have to rest. Regular eye drops are not enough.
I mean, I see a dietician every month as a part of a follow-up class. I see a therapist every 2 weeks. I see my psychiatrist every 3 months now we agree that we are finally normalizing. I take labs more than any body I know to monitor my diabetes. I am always striving to lower my A1C. I am always thinking about what else I could do to lose weight effectively and forever. I feel I am doing the best I can do. I am only human, and there are not many choices for me at this point. I have exhausted all the options.
Meanwhile, I can never manage to catch up and stay caught up on my chores. Part of it is training Caleb to clean up after himself. He is immature for his age and has struggles with mental health of his own. So the challenge is to work together. It's not easy. He rejects most of what I say at first. It takes time to get him to come around and really internalize what I am trying to teach. It does help that our abusers are no longer here.
The only one in this family who has no problems is Bella! LOL I've got to teach her to let me brush her teeth though. I hope the doggie toothpaste tastes good to her.
Today Caleb has his occupational therapy appointment in person, and I have two online classes. It is now 8:34 a.m. here and it's time to get started with our morning routines.
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