5 Year Journal Day 248

      Today's prompt is "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I see myself as a more confident and more able disabled female veteran and mother. I see myself having been through initiations into priestesshood and having read a great number of books. I see myself being better able to manage my finances, and having paid the bulk of my credit cards down. I see myself preparing Caleb for adulthood and becoming a soldier. I see myself being happier and having less pain as I work through my health problems , lose weight, and get rid of high blood pressure and diabetes. 

     I am so thirsty. I cannot believe how much water I have had in the last 15 minutes. It is now 12:04 a.m. here. I have been waking up every hour since about 10 p.m. I decided to get up when I drank all my water. It was comfortable in bed, as the 3 amigos were once again together in my bed. I did not want to get up, but I knew I could not be without more water. I am just so thirsty. 

     Yesterday was Saturday and I did not do do much of anything. I was still exhausted and drained. I managed to take an overly hot and burning water shower. I got washed up and laid down on the bed to air dry afterwards like I always do. I got dressed and just had no energy. I had to cool off before getting dressed too. The water was burning hot. I had it facing the wall, and splashing water a little at a time to wash myself. I do not know why Caleb insists on taking showers with the water that hot, and leaving the water temperature so hot. Caleb was not home when I took a shower, so he could not adjust the temperature for me. I had to make do with what was available. The knob for the water temperature is still broken. I need to pay someone to replace for it for us. I do not have the money right now. The first things I need to do are to pay to have the Mazda inspected, and pay the taxes and registration for it. Actually, the first thing I need to do is to pay Aunt Lisa back for helping me replace the Mazda battery.

     I needed a nap after getting dressed, and so  that's exactly what I did. I slept for a few hours like a log. Caleb spent most of the day at Country's house so I was not worried about him. I let Caleb know I was taking a shower, and when I went to take a nap. I was drained and exhausted. I honestly did not feel like I was recovering from whatever was bringing me down. I was worried that this might be a long-term feeling. Caleb had been waking me up in the mornings for the last couple of mornings, and that has not been helping. The Wolf moon of 2021 just passed, and I know that had an effect on me. Then there was all the regular day stuff that I had to do during the week that wore me out. I had 4 appointments on Monday, and 2 appointments on Wednesday. I don't remember what I did Tuesday, or Thursday. 

     I feel alive right now. I am awake and my body is not aching like it was. I do not feel like I have an energy leech on my body. I feel replenished and am feeling better as I am drinking more water with electrolytes. 

     Upon looking at my facebook newsfeed, I found a post from a morbid obesity group that I belong to where a photo of a good body deodorant was found. I thought I would give it a try for my under the breast problem. The woman who posted it (called "Lume") said she uses it everywhere from the tube version, from under her breasts, to her apron, her rolls, and creases/ Sounds like a winner to me! I hope I like it. I bought a bundle pack of different scents. 

     I just bought a new crystal necklace of black tourmaline and selenite. That way I can charge my crystal necklaces that I am wearing, while I wear them. Awesome sauce!

     I have been busy getting into the Magdalene Rose Temple meditations. I was wondering if I brought on the fatigue by doing too many at once. During the nights when I cannot sleep, I do more than one meditation. Some of them are initiations, all of them are healing in some way, and all of them are sooo relaxing. I had to buy access to the Magdalene Rose Temple library because I could not find anything comparable on youtube for free. I needed more to listen to. Melissa is the person who runs the Temple and her voice is just what I need to settle down. 

     So, I think it was free to become a member, and with membership, there are free gifts. 

1. Magdalene Rose Temple Initiation and Feminine Activation

2. Open up the Divine Powers of the Moon and Goddess Meditation

3. Rose Mastery Masterclass

4. Soul Wisdom Audio Teachings

     I listened to all these when I was ready and prepared to not be bothered, right before falling asleep at night. Turns out that is the perfect time to do them. 

     I am on the early bird list for the Rose Priestess Academy that begins in April. I have signed up for the Rose Flame Serpent Mystery School, and am waiting for that to begin at the end of February. I have done the Rose Code Activation: Rebirth of Isis into the 5D Golden Age of Isis in preparation for it. I did the Temple of Isis Rose Flame Channeling and Activation on the Leo Wolf Moon a few days ago. The Temple Library has so much more to don, but I was worried that I might be causing myself to drain of all life force by doing all these within a matter of days. I no longer think that is the case. I think I just had too much going on all at once. 

     I feel more drawn to this space because I am drawn to the women in the life of Jesus. I have a relationship with Jesus, but I do not have a relationship with Mother Mary, nor Mary Magdalene. I can feel the pull towards them. I do not feel this way about any of the goddesses being brought up in the Awakened Soul Coven. As a matter of fact, I am so behind in the Awakened Soul Coven because quite frankly, I am not as drawn to the things being taught, as I thought I would be. I need guided meditations to help. I need light work. I know about these things and am comfortable moving forward with them. 

     I do not feel like choosing a different goddess to prepare an altar for every month. I do not have the time or energy to keep up with that. I do not feel drawn to the choices of goddesses. I do not feel their presences. I want a living relationship with spirits. I want to know I am loved beyond what I can see. I want to know I am protected from things I don't always understand. I want to be of service to the divine causes for the greater good. I want to grow personally. I feel better about this path that I have chosen. I  will attempt to finish the program I started in October with Ethony, but do not think that I will continue the courses to the following years to become a priestess in her Coven. 

     I want to work with the feminine Christ consciousness. That is where my heart is. 

     It is now 1:10 a.m. and I have almost finished my 82 fluid ounce water bottle that I filled up. I am going to have to pee at some point, and it's going to be a river. 

     I fell off the wagon last night, when I got up around 9 or so. Caleb wanted to make me something to eat, and made Velveeta shells and cheese. I ate half the bowl he filled for me, and told him to eat the rest because I am not supposed to eat that stuff anymore. He ate, and I am sure that is why he is now sleeping like a baby. I love him so much. I told him the other day that I love him with all my heart. I cannot feel it as love coming from my heart space, but I know it is there. It is complicated because Caleb has Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It's not easy to love someone who fights about everything all the time. I think that is one of the reasons I have blockages there. I am trying to clear them so I can feel love coming from my heart space more freely. I have been defensive since before Caleb was born. I have been abused by quite a few people in my life. It has left scars and blockages everywhere. I am now able to work on them with the help of Melissa, the high priestess of the Magdalene Rose Temple. I hope to be able to work with her one-on-one one day. 

     I am currently working on clearing my chakras. I have a crystal? singing bowl coming my way soon that I ordered to clear the root chakra. I heard it on the live video on facebook and it made me feel strange. If it can do that on video, I have faith that it will work wonders in person. Working on these things will clear up my energy so I can heal myself from these diseases that keep adding up. I will be able to quit vaping easier. I will be able to lose weight easier. Once I lose about 40 lbs. , I will be able to exercise easier, and taking showers might not be so hard.  I am really for doing everything possible to get healthy again. Truly.  I have been a follower of the Ascended Masters since I found out about them in my early twenties. I have been a follower of Jesus since I was about 7 years old. 

     I need 24 hour, 365 day support, and I can't realistically ask that of a human. That wouldn't be right. I need higher divine guidance. I am open to it as much as I can be right now. I am trying to open up more. I would like to sense them around me. It would really help me be less anxious on a daily basis. 

     I am still trying to figure out how being an empath affects me. I have not finished reading the first of the books I intended to read I got for Christmas. I might be able to read some today, now that I do not feel so drained of life force. 

     Today, I need to clean the kitchen up. I need to wash some laundry. I need Caleb to clean up the living room we had just cleaned, and he has destroyed by himself already. Caleb has to make sure all the trash and recycling goes out to the roadside for pickup on Monday. I would like to relax and read for awhile. I need to mentally prepare for the week ahead. I do that by looking over the schedule and figuring out what needs to be done to make things happen in an orderly fashion. 

     I ordered my supplements from Swanson the other day. I am going to continue to take a prebiotic and a probiotic supplement as I feel like it is helping me have more regular bowel movements and get rid of waste within my body. They were 35% off or something like that. Good deal. 

     I ordered Rose water and Rose organic spray for my future meditations. They were 50% off, so I stocked up.  

     So, Caleb got these frozen chimichangas from Billy when we took him to the grocery store last week. Caleb loves these things! Hey, it gets him to eat meat and cheese, and I'm for it. It's better than eating noodles or potatoes all the time. I swear this boy is a carb-hungry guy! He lives to eat carbs. I can't keep bread in the house. I was lucky that when I changed the bread to multi-grain bread, that he liked it. At least that is a healthy option! It can be hard to get him to eat things other than bread, pasta, or potatoes. I am glad to see that he likes the frozen fish fillets that I bought. He also likes chicken nuggets, so there's that. I wish I could get him to eat more green vegetables. He loves beans too! Loves! There was a time where I could not get him to eat anything but baked beans. Seriously. Now he is into black eyed peas. I am glad I can get him to try new foods. Unfortunately for me, he has told me that he does not like eggplants. He does not like spicy food. I made Jamaican Jerk chicken the other night, and I warned him that it was spicy, so he did not even try it. 

     My first day of no soda was on January 12th. I have been consistently avoiding soda. I now drink a caffeinated electrolyte water based drink that I make at home with flavor packets I buy from Walmart. I drink the regular flavor packets, without caffeine or electrolytes at night. I drink at least 2 82 fluid ounce bottles of water in 24 hours. 

     Yesterday I showed up to the WoVen video chat on facebook. WoVen is a Women Veterans Network. I was on with 3 other women veterans and had a good time. It was nice to see other women in real-time. We are going to try to meet every weekend, so I hope I can keep up. 

     It is nice and cool in here tonight. I have the heat set for 50 degrees so that Caleb and Bella don't freeze, and also so I can breathe easier and sleep better. I can't sleep when it is warm in here. I can't sleep at all. 

     I am looking forward to weighing-in on Monday morning. I hope I find that I have lost a couple more pounds this week. When I look at myself naked in the mirror, I do not see the changes, but I have seen what 5 pounds of fat looks like on a Facebook meme. I've been tracking my weight since February 3, 2020. I break it down into 3 month sections. In this section, I completed last week, I have lost 9.8 pounds. Throughout 2020 there was alot of gaining and losing. Since I began recording my weight, I have actually gained 3.9 pounds. My PCP says that is not bad considering all the turmoil going on in 2020. So in almost 365 days, I have only gained 3.9 pounds. My highest weight was 335.8 pounds on December 7th, 2020. My lowest weight was 301 pounds on April 27th, 2020, but I think that was an error because I know I did not lose 8.4 pounds in one week. The next lowest weight was 305.3 pounds on March 2nd, 2020 and that was during my keto diet. Only time will tell! Wish me luck!

     I am not happy that my A1C was 11.1 even though I am taking the maximum dose of Metformin and a small dose of glipizide. That is close to what my A1C was when I was diagnosed diabetic. That's ridiculous. Nicotine affects insulin sensitivity negatively, so I can't wait to see how things recover back to healthy levels once I am able to quit vaping. 

     It is now 2:06 a.m. and I am feeling the call to y bed now. I need to take my iron pill and orange juice and go lay down. I might actually read for a bit if I can't fall asleep. 

  

5 Year Journal Day 247

      Today's prompt is "Where have you found evidence of a higher power?" In my daily life. I am getting better everyday, and it is not because I just started trying. I have been trying to get better for years, and I have failed. 

     It is 4:31 a.m. now. Caleb woke me up about 40 minutes ago. I am still tired. I do not want to be awake. It was too warm in here for me to sleep comfortably. I had to turn the heat down. It was only set to 60 degrees. That is still too warm for me to sleep, apparently. 

     Yesterday I did not do much. I woke up around 7:30 and paid the bills. I did my morning routine, but then before I knew it, it was noon, and I was tired. I did not do anything. I did not get any work done. I was exhausted all of a sudden. I was drained. I tried to take a nap, but could not fall asleep.

     I wasted the day being drained. I could not sleep. I could not work. I could not read. I was just out of it. 

5 Year Journal Day 246

     Today's prompt is "Is your home/apartment clean?" No.

     It is now 12:29 a.m. here. Yesterday was a relaxing day. I got up and did my morning routine, and then I began cleaning the kitchen up. I loaded the dishwasher, and hand washed some dishes. Then I began cooking my hard boiled eggs for my breakfasts. I began prepping for dinner. I made a crockpot dinner of stew beef, okra, yellow, orange, red, and green bell peppers, and eggplants. It turned out good. 

    Caleb made us lunch of fish fillets and tater tots. After having something to eat, I was tired again, so I went to take a nap. I slept for a couple of hours before getting back up. Other than that, not much happened. 

     "Country", Dwayne, the neighbor came by and introduced himself. He wanted to let me know it was ok for Caleb to come by to visit him and his wife. I appreciated that.

     When I went to lay down for my nap, I listened to a Magdalene Rose Temple meditation. They are very relaxing to me. 

     Today I will pay the bills once I get paid. I will likely take a shower and spend time doing things like laundry and reading. I might go out to Walmart to buy some groceries. I need that powder spray, along with some other things. 

     I got my lab results yesterday. My A1C is 11.1. That is sooo high! The reference range is 4.1-6.4. I never expected it to be that high again. I take medication to lower my blood sugar daily. That is crazy and scary. My A1C was that high when I was diagnosed with diabetes! 

     I have made changes to my diet. I am not eating bread, pasta, rice, or potatoes, for the most part. I do have tater tots every now and again, when Caleb cooks. I am not eating bread or sandwiches every day like I was. I have been good about not drinking soda since I quit. I am about to start the 3mg/mL nicotine e-juice. 

     I have some things I need to do before I go back to bed, so I am going to do them now. 

5 Year Journal Day 245

      Today's prompt is "Teacher or student?" A little bit of both.

     It is now 1:52 a.m. here. Yesterday we had to wake up early to make it to my dental appointments at the VA. Caleb had to wait in the Mazda while I went inside for my appointments. I had x-rays taken and my annual exam. Then I had a dental cleaning. After that, Caleb and I went to pick Billy up so he could buy groceries. At of craziness was going on in Billy's realm, and I did not want to be a part of it, so we left as soon as we could after he got his groceries. It was raining all day and dark and gloomy. I was tired, and my gums hurt from the cleaning. I ate leftover Jamaican jerk chicken and vegetables, and went to take a nap. Before I ate a late lunch, though, I made some calls. One call was to the New Hanover Regional Medical Center billing office. I about lost my cool talking to a representative who knew absolutely nothing about billing the VA. I know I am not the first veteran to be seen at the REGIONAL hospital system, and I will not be the last. It really mad me angry. Anyway, I am not paying for services that were pre-approved by the VA, and I made that perfectly clear.

     The second call was to the civilian dental office that is pre-approved for repairing my filling and doing my next cleaning. I just needed to schedule appointments with them. They know how to work with the VA, so I did not have any problems. 

     Earlier in the day, I emailed Investigator Higgins about not having received a call from the Army investigator. I did not receive a response yet.

     I listened to a meditation before falling asleep, and slept so well that I did not want to wake up. I had to get up to take my medications though. I just finished the Jamaican jerk chicken and vegetables for dinner. It was enough to take all my medications. I was not that hungry since I had a late lunch. 

      The dentist suggested using neosporin on my mouth where the scab is to help it heal faster. I asked Billy to buy me some while he was at Food Lion. He also bought me stuff for Valentine's Day, which was sweet. 

     Today, I will probably just relax. I might get the laundry started. If I feel ok, I might clean up the kitchen a bit. It will be another rainy day, so I just do not  know how I will feel as far as the pain goes.

     Tomorrow I do not have any appointments either, and the only things I can think of that I need to do, have to do with cleaning the house. 

     I have been doing meditations with the Magdalene Rose Temple. I feel at peace when I do them, and really like doing them before trying to sleep. 

     I have fallen even further behind on the Maiden Circle studies at the Awakened Soul Coven. Maybe I need to do those tomorrow if I can.  

     I was tempted to buy more candles at 2 for $25 clearance, but I didn't, and I am proud that I was able to walk away. 

     I think I get paid tomorrow, so I will be paying bills. I will be making the final payment on a series of payments, so that is positive to note. I need to go buy that armor and hammer body powder spray to keep dry under my breasts. I am waiting to get paid to do that.

     I am going to cook something for dinner tonight, but I don't know what yet. 

     Now that most of my bookcases are positioned where they will stay, I can put my things away without worrying that I will have to take them out again. 

     I don't have alot on my mind right now. I am going to go ahead and take my iron pill and orange juice and maybe read some of my book.

5 Year Journal Day 244

      Today's prompt is "What was the last wedding you attended?" My mom's wedding. 

     It is now 11:11 p.m. here. Today was a recovery day. I did not do much because of the pain I was in. I got up for the cable guy appointment, but went to bed soon after that. I slept for most of the afternoon. I was just exhausted. It was gloomy and dark outside and drizzling rain. 

     It was not a busy or a productive day at all. We did get the cable box exchanged in the living room, but were unable to fix or replace the cable box in my room. I am ok with that for now. At least we can watch movies in the living room now. 

     Tomorrow I have 2 dental appointments back to back at the VA. The second one is for a cleaning. The first one, I am guessing is just an exam. Caleb will go with me and wait in the car in the parking lot. After my appointments I have plans to take Billy grocery shopping. I am not worried about dinner because I still have leftovers from the last two meals I made. 

     So, my highest weigh-in was December 7th at 335.8lbs. ,and on January 25th I weighed 321.8 lbs. So I have lost 14 lbs.! Holy crap! That's more than I thought. I want to get under 300 lbs. so badly. I only stopped drinking soda on January 12th. The holidays cause unintended stress. I started taking Spironolactone 25 mg and Lisinopril 10 mg on January 9th. I began taking a prebiotic and probiotic on January 16th. I began taking 5 mg glipizide twice daily on January 21st. 

     Thursday I will likely need another recovery day. Friday we have no appointments either, so we will likely pick up where we left off on the house cleaning. Of course everything is pending my pain levels. 

     I have to contact Investigator Higgins about not receiving a call from the Army investigator.

     I have to call about the hematology bill I received for an appointment made through the VA. Apparently New Hanover Regional Medical Center and associates do not know how to properly submit the bills to the Community Care Network department of the VA. 

     Caleb just woke up. It is now 12:05 a.m. I don't have much to report as not much happened. I am going to go ahead and take my iron pill and orange juice and go try to watch some of the videos I have been meaning to watch. 

5 Year Journal Day 243

     Today's prompt is "What's your simplest pleasure?" Cuddling with Bella. 

     It is now 2:28 a.m. here. Yesterday was a busy and productive day. I had my alarm set for 8:00, but when it went off, I had really just settled into bed and was falling asleep. I did not want o get up. I got out of bed about 20 minutes later to eat breakfast and take my medications. Caleb woke up, and I gave him his medications. I told him to gather his things, and to get ready to go. I gave Bella water, and added the chicken thighs to the crockpot. We ended up leaving the house earlier than planned. It was not even 9:30 when we left. I brought Caleb to Alisa's house. It was dark and gloomy outside and looked like rain. I drove to Wilmington to go to my VA appointments. There was a long line to get screened for Covid-19 to be able to enter the building. Upon my turn, I was told that I could not go to my other appointments, and that I must be be tested for Covid-19 first. I was sooo frustrated. My Covid-19 test was not scheduled until 2:30, and I had three other things I had to do before then. I got directed to the testing site, and told the tester my concerns. She helped me reach my providers to figure what to do. I was then told that the test results should be completed within 2 hours, and I would know before my 1:30 appointment if I could go inside the building or not. So, I had 2 hours to figure out what to do. I drove to the Arby's parking lot on Market Street, and ate my lunch I packed. I tried to call Billy, but he did not answer. Eventually I got a response from him. I figured if I had the time to waste, I may as well take him to pick up his check , and get it cashed. 

     When I got to Billy's house, I only 1 hour left. We went to pick up his check, and cash it. I took him to the gas station to buy some cigarettes, and to the pharmacy. At the pharmacy, I got a call from the Women's Clinic nurse with my Covid-19 test result. I tested negative. I brought Billy and Nikki home, and went back to the clinic.

     I had to go through the screening again, and this time I was allowed to park and go inside. I went to my appointment  to see the Women's Clinic nurse. I was there to have my blood pressure tested. I had to answer questionnaires that are required annually. I asked about the weird rash under my left breast. We agreed to try something like the powder spray I use to use to keep dry for a week, and the report the results back to her. 

     My next appointment was with the neurology nurse at 2:00. I let her know I was no longer concerned about the medication causing weigh gain, since I had been able to successfully lose over the last 3 weeks. I also mentioned that I was concerned about something that happened on the way to the clinic. I was driving on Market Street towards the clinic, like I always do, and I lost track of where I was, or why I was where I was. It did not last long, but I did not like that it happened. I told her about my concerns about not being able to remember things. She tested my cognitive function, and I tested perfectly. She said we will monitor it to make sure there are no changes, and also it is not uncommon for people to drive and end up where they intended, and not remember how they got there if they had other thing son their mind, or were stressed. 

     The last thing I had to do at the clinic was to have my labs taken. I had blood drawn and a urinalysis. I did not have to wait for anyone to go ahead of me, and I was thankful for that because the change in the schedule meant I was going to come home later than expected. I had food cooking in the crockpot on high, and I wanted to get home as soon as possible. I also needed to let Bella outside to do her business. And of course, I needed to pick Caleb up from Alisa's house.

     I had been keeping contact with Alisa all day, so she knew what was going on as it was happening. I did not know how things would turn out, or when I would come home when the schedule changed due to Covid testing needing to be completed first. 

     I picked Caleb up and came home around 4 something. Dinner was ready. Everything was fine. Bella was laying on the couch waiting for us to come home. It was rainy all day, and so I am sure she would not have gone outside anyway. She hates the rain. 

     I decided to bring a sample of my dinner to Alisa at her work. I hope she enjoyed it.  I ahd not tasted it before I gave to her. I came home and had dinner. It was spicy and delicious. Caleb does not like spicy so he did not eat it, but there were leftovers from the night before that he could have eaten if he was hungry. I took my medications, and Bella waited impatiently for her dinner. She tried to rush me, but I can't be rushed after I take all those medications. I have to sit for a few minutes, and let thing settle. I made her the last of the chicken livers, veggie and ginger root mix, and kibble for dinner. I made sure she had lots of clean water to drink. I waited for her to finish her meal, and was ready for bed. Caleb went and checked the mail one last time. I received the stimulus check in the mail!

     On one hand, it was good. It did not go to someone else. On the other hand, it was bad,  as it was not lost and I could have deposited then if I had not filed my taxes saying that I did not receive my stimulus check.  So, now I have a check that I cannot deposit. Great. Meanwhile, Aunt Lisa is probably waiting like WTF Jennifer?! Oh man. I feel bad about that, but I didn't know. I also wanted to be sure that my direct deposit information was on record so that if future payments were made, they would be direct deposited instead of mailed. 

     I did not realize how much my back was hurting until I laid down in my bed. I did not wait long to have Caleb take his night time medication. It was only around 6:30 p.m. when we settled for  the night. I was dead tired. Exhausted. 

     I weighed in yesterday morning and lost weight. I think I have lost like 5 pounds so far. I'm excited about that. I want to get under 300 lbs. and stay under 300 lbs. If I can lose 10% of my body weight, I will qualify for bariatric surgery. I do not know that I want to do that because I don't want to live on a mouse's portions to be healthy. I want to lose weight on my own. I want to get fit on my own. I know I can do it. I have done it before. I was very successful before. I looked and felt awesome. I loved my body. I can't wait to shed this belly. 

     The AT&T cable guy is going to be here between 8:30-9:30 a.m. today. Once that is done, I don't know what I will do. It depends on if I am still tired. I may need to rest for the day. I could start the laundry up again. I need to get Caleb to put the dishes away and bring the trash and recycling bins to the house. I don't feel like I will have the energy to do any deep cleaning today. I need to waft some sage smoke over me for sure, and light a blue-green candle for healing. 

     I did not read any of my book. I brought it with me, but stayed busy, so I did not read.

     Tomorrow I have two back to back dental appointments at the VA clinic. I will bring Caleb with me and he will wait in the car for 2 hours. I told  Billy that I should be able to take him to get groceries since I will be in Wilmington. He pays for my gas, when I take him places. 

     I looked over my budget yesterday morning. In mid February I will be making the final payment on my new bed. I will have paid in time to not accrue interest. I am happy about that. It was not easy. At the beginning of February I will complete a series of interest-free payments. So that will be more of my money that I get to keep. I should get my tax refund (stimulus deposit) in the beginning of March since the IRS is not accepting tax returns until February 12th this year. 

     I am trying to figure out the best way to allocate the stimulus check to get the most benefit out of it. I owe Aunt Lisa $150 first. Then I have to pay the credit card back for the inspection, taxes, and registration for the Mazda. Then I have to buy Bella's next dose of Bravecto flea and tick medication. I think I will hold onto the remainder so I do not have to ask for grocery money help, or use my credit cards to buy groceries, at least while it lasts. 

     There is this Army veteran guy who wants to get to know me better. We chat every so often, and then he ghosts me. I am not for that. I need stability. Besides, when we chat, I am the only one with something to say. He responds with "ok baby" or "lol." I need more than that. We live relatively close to eachother, but far enough away that I am not going to see him anytime soon. The least he can do is have a decent conversation online. He says he is more talkative in person. He will never get the chance to see me in person if he doesn't open up online. Our "relationship" is going to be a distant one if one at all, and he needs to act like it. I am not a mind reader. I will not bear the burden of a relationship where I am the only one involved. Shit. I can talk to myself without any help!

     I'm thirsty like  the desert. I have no more water in my jug. I took my iron pill and orange juice around midnight when I got up then. I don't know why I can't sleep through the night. It's frustrating because I need sleep. I need more sleep than the average person because I am sensitive and because of pain and disabilities. 

5 Year Journal Day 242

      Today's prompt is "What did you have for dinner?" I made brussels sprouts and smoked sausage with salt, black pepper, garlic powder, minced garlic, ginger root, onion powder, and a yellow onion.

     It is now 2:28 a.m. here. I cannot stay asleep. Yesterday was a busy and productive day for me. Although I did not wake up until around noon, because Caleb woke me up, I still managed to pull off a good day's work. I did not do any cleaning at all. My back hurt still when I woke up. I did not want to get out of bed. I took my morning meds, and had Progresso soups for brunch. I gave Caleb his medications, and he made tater tots for us to eat. He went to "Country's" house to take photos of his mounted deer head. After we ate the tater tots, I went to take a shower. The water was so hot it was burning me, so I hollered for Caleb to change the water temperature for me. It requires the use of a tool because the knob broke off months ago. I ended up taking a colder shower than I would have liked, but at least I was able to wash myself without blood pressure issues. I got to put on freshly cleaned clothes. When I was ready, we went to Walmart to buy some groceries for the week. I took my time and had a limp where my right side was kind of dragging and popping from the hip as I walked. Caleb stayed in the Mazda. I went through the self-checkout, and made it to the van. My back was hurting. It was a workout. It was about half a cart of groceries. 

     Caleb unloaded the cart into the trunk, and we came home. Caleb brought the groceries in, and I took a break. I asked Caleb to make sure the recycling bins were taken to the road for pickup. He went to socialize with the Lt. Colonel, and Country. I started to make breakfasts for the week. I eat hard boiled eggs in the mornings. After sitting for a while I got up to make dinner. I made brussels sprouts and smoked sausage. As that was cooking, I prepared dinner for tomorrow. It is going to be a crockpot dinner. I cut the cabbage, onions, and bell peppers and added seasonings on top. Now all I have to do is add olive oil, water, and the boneless, skinless, chicken thighs and start the crockpot. 

     Dinner was ready, and I was ready to eat. It was delicious. I ate my food, took my medications, and then proceeded to gather Bella's foods. She is eating chicken livers, veggie and ginger root mix, and kibble for dinner. 

     I still had to make sure the groceries were put away. I had Caleb shop vac the living room where he spilled dry cereal, and the couch where he left crumbs. I had Caleb take a shower. I made a bag of things to eat today for lunch, since I will not be able to leave the VA clinic to eat lunch. Once I was satisfied that I did everything I could think to do to prepare for today, I went to bed to rest. Caleb came in just as I was about to fall asleep and wanted me to scratch his back. His back always itches for some reason. He wants me to scratch and scratch and scratch for what seems like forever when I'm tired. He really doesn't want me to stop. 

     I went to sleep eventually, and woke up around midnight. I had a snack and took my iron pill and orange juice, and tried to go back to sleep.

     I do not know why I cannot sleep. I was busy yesterday and I thought I would sleep through the night. 

     Today I have 4 back-to-back appointments at the VA in Wilmington. I am bringing Caleb to Alisa's house for the day, because otherwise he would have to spend all day waiting for me in the van by himself. I want to make sure he has a good day, so I want to remind him in the morning to bring some snacks, and make sure he brings his phone, computer, and charging cables. I need to pack his afternoon medications and be sure to tell Alisa to give them to him at 2:00 p.m. 

     I want to make sure I bring a book to read so I have something to do while I wait to have my labs taken. I already packed my lunch, and have extra water in the Mazda in case I run out. I need to pack flavor packets for my water in my purse. 

     I have my alarm set to get up at 8:00 so I have time to eat breakfast and take my medications, and fix my hair, and do whatever else needs to be done for dinner. I want to leave a few minutes before 10:00 and bring Caleb to Alisa's before I go. He needs to eat something for breakfast and take his medications before he goes. He might want to pack thing she knows he likes to eat so he can eat when he gets hungry. 

     I never finished shop vac-ing the hallway, but maybe I can do that before I eat dinner when I get home today. I did not clear a path to the cable box in my room either. My Army uniforms are still scattered on the floor.  

     Bella will be fine as long as we make sure to leave her lots of water and let her outside before we leave. 

     Dinner is going to be Jamaican Jerk seasoned chicken and vegetables. 

     I watched a small amount of a video by Sage Goddess on facebook where a woman was playing a singing bowl tuned to the frequency of the root chakra. It made me feel sensations that I have never felt before so I knew it was authentic. I had to have one, so I bought one on sale. It cost alot, but I paying on a payment plan. I can't wait to try it in person. It made me feel so weird and good at the same time. 

     A few days ago I bought selenite fireplaces. I bought one for my bedroom and one for Caleb's bedroom. I am hoping it will bring more peace to our bedrooms. Caleb does not like being in his bedroom at night, and the lights in the selenite fireplace might be what he needs to be ok to sleep in there. 

     I weigh in this morning. I cannot wait to see what I weigh. I know my diet has not been on plan this week because of the clean-up work we have been doing, but I hope I lost weight anyway. 

     It is now 3:14 a.m. and I am not really tired. I guess I can do some work on the household budget for next month. 

5 Year Journal Day 241

      Today's prompt is "How would you describe your victory dance?" Crazy looking.

     It is now 2:06 a.m. here. Yesterday was Saturday. I woke up around 8:30 a.m. and took my blood sugar. I ate a little fat free cottage cheese and took my morning medications. Caleb woke up a few minutes after I woke up. Time disappeared and all of a sudden it was after 10:00 a.m. Caleb made some chicken nuggets in the oven. I finally got up and lit a white candle and some Juniper to get started with my day. I went and started the laundry. Eventually I started washing dishes. I hand washed the dish strainer full, and began pre-washing the dishes for the dishwasher. I had to take breaks because my back was hurting. I thought I could clean the entire kitchen before it was time to make dinner, but I didn't. I just got the dishwasher fully loaded and started. There are still other dishes to be washed.

     I had Caleb pick up stuff in the hallway so I could shop vac the floor. I was only able to shop one third of the hallway because my back was hurting. I got 2 loads of clothes dry though. There is a load in the dryer and a load in the washer, and still several loads waiting to be washed. I had Caleb take out the kitchen trash. 

     Caleb went for a walk to the park. Bella got to lay in the sun for a few hours today. 

     The problem arose when I called for Caleb and he was no where to be found. He ended up being at a neighbor's house, having left the house without permission nor telling me where was going. I was angry about it. He got an attitude in return. 

     He went to his room for a minute before I called him back out to me. I gave him a lesson on the pandemic situation. I told him that more than 400,000 Americans have died and more are dying every day. I told him that in North Carolina the situation is getting worse everyday. I told him that nearly all the counties on the NC map are red, meaning that hospitals are full and cannot take anymore patients due to Covid-19. I told him that if anything happens to me, they might not be able to help me because there are no beds left at the hospitals. I told him that because of my health conditions, I am considered high risk for complications of Covid-19 leading to my death. I was very forward, honest, and direct in telling him everything I could think of that he needed to know about the pandemic and how it relates to me, and to him. 

     I told him it's not ok to go to other people's houses right now. We should be staying at home as much as possible , and be minding our own business. I know I have had this talk more than once. 

     Then I asked Caleb to pick up the things in the hallway and move the shop vac to the hallway so I could vacuum. He refused, and gave me a bad attitude , and argued. The situation between us got heated pretty quickly. I had been working all day, and he did what he wanted all day, so I was not happy that he did not want to help me clean up the mess HE made.    

     Anyway, it ended with Caleb crying and apologizing. He bounced right back after that, and I had my Caleb back. He picked up the trash in the hallway for me, and moved the shop to the hallway so I could vacuum. 

     I wanted to vacuum the whole hallway but my back was hurting and when I took a break, I knew I could not do more work for the day. I did not have any energy to cook. I ate, instead of brussels sprouts and smoked sausage, hearts of palm and garlic stuffed olives. It was enough for me to take my ight medications and go to bed. I went to lay down around 6:30 p.m. and pretty much went straight to sleep. 

      My back hurt so badly though. I am feeling somewhat better right now, since I have had time to rest, but still feel like I need to stretch or something. 

     Today I would like to take a shower since my clothes are clean now. I would also like to finish cleaning the kitchen, and finish clearing the hallway, and finish vacuuming the hallway. I would like to make a walking path from my bedroom door to my cable box. Right now my Army duffel bag is spilled out on the floor from where Caleb keeps taking things out, and it is hard to walk in and out of the room. 

     I did take a bag of trash out of my bedroom yesterday morning. It needs to be vacuumed in there too. I asked Caleb to pick up the things that I could not reach, but he refused. 

     Today I would like to continue to wash the laundry, and to fold the laundry that is done. One day I will have the time to go through the boxes in my bedroom and sort things out so they do not have to be in boxes anymore. I want to reduce clutter as much as possible. I want to make it easier to keep the house clean. I want to maintain cleanliness rather than going through long periods of dumpster style living and short periods of heavy cleanup leading to more dumpster style living. 

     If I can do the things I want to get done, the preparation for the cable guy will be complete. I have all those appointments on Monday, and I will be able to go to them without worrying about the status of the house. I will have my appointment with the cable guy between 8:30 - 9:30 Tuesday morning, and the rest of the day to just relax and maybe wash laundry. 

     Wednesday I have more appointments at the VA for dental health. Thursday and Friday are free days.

     In the coming days after things settle down, the two smaller bookcases will be moved to their new spots. The chair will be moved in order to clean under it. The sofa will be moved in order to clean under it, and under the incline trainer, and around the incline trainer. The bathroom will be cleaned from top to bottom. The bookcases will be populated and the filing cabinets re-organized. The table top will be cleared off. Under the dining table will be cleaned. The new carpet cleaner will be put together, and so will the new medication cabinet. The tv stand will be cleaned off inside and outside. The kitchen island will be re-organized. The carpets will be pet vac'd and carpets will be cleaned with the carpet cleaning machine. 

     Eventually I will be able to focus on my bedroom and getting rid of clothes I can not wear. I would like to sell things on poshmark if I can. The things I have that I cannot wear are not in bad shape. They were bought online so I did not know for sure if they would fit or how they would fit, so some are new with tags.  

     At some point I will be going through the things left on my porch by my dad and Sharon. Throughout all of this I will be separating things for the dumpster that Aunt Lisa is going to get for us. One day, hopefully soon, I will have not only a clean house, but a cleaned off porch as well, and a junk-free shed. 

     Caleb is in charge of cleaning his own room. He wants the tv from my room put into his bedroom, and that will not happen while his room is a disaster area. 

     I'm thirsty and have no water in my jug left. I have to take my iron pill and orange juice and go back to bed. 

5 Year Journal Day 240

      Today's prompt is "When was the last time you worked out?" I don't know.

     It is now 3:28 a.m. here. Yesterday was a busy and productive day. Caleb woke me up around 10:30 or so. I ate breakfast without checking my blood sugar again. I took my meds and began drinking my caffeinated drink. I burned a gray candle to help me on my tasks for the day, and also some sage. I had Caleb put the Christmas tree in the shed, and I began working on the living room again. I don't remember the sequence of events all that well, but I can give a summary of the outcome. Caleb moved Bella's chest of drawers that we use for all her treats, medications, and tools to the new location. Caleb and I moved the lateral filing cabinet to a new spot. Caleb moved the sofa to its new spot. Caleb and I moved a large bookcase to its new spot, and Caleb moved the other large bookcase to its new spot. We cleaned under everything as we were moving things around. I did most of the shop vac-ing and picking up trash. Caleb did most of the moving furniture. Caleb also got the front yard cleaned up. Ms. Dee from next door was outside doing yard work and began to help him. I was able to leave him at home with her to continue working on the front yard while I went to the pharmacy to pick up his medications.

     Caleb made lunch and dinner. They were both fish fillets and tater tots baked in the oven, and were delicious. 

     It was not as easy as it sounds though. Caleb was argumentative in the beginning and did not want to work. he wanted to go for a walk, and I told him no. I did not want him to go for a walk because we had work to do. When he goes for a walk, he returns tired and cranky, and really won't do any work. So, I could not have that. I needed him to help me alot yesterday. I will need him to help me alot today too. While most of the big jobs are done, there are alot of little jobs that still need to be done. I need to move the two smaller bookcases to their new positions. We also need to move the couch one last time and make sure everything is clean underneath it. While the couch is moved, we need to clean around and underneath the incline trainer. Then we need to move the chair so we can clean underneath it too. I have to shop vac the chair and put it back together. 

     That will conclude the work on the living room for the most part. Caleb still needs to clean the tv stand cabinets out. I will need to populate the bookcases properly, but that can wait. The hallway will be the next area of concern. Thank goodness it is mostly dirty laundry that we found when we were cleaning up the living room. Caleb will need to pick that up and bring it to the laundry room for washing. I will then be able to shop vac the hallway.

     Once the the hallway is shop vac'd, I will need to pick up the trash in my room and re-organize the baskets that I have collected at the foot of my bed. I need to make sure the area is clear to walk through so the cable guy can fix the box. 

     I also need Caleb to collect the dirty laundry from the bathroom so they can be washed. I will need to clean the bathroom from top to bottom at some point. Secondary to all this is cleaning up the kitchen which has gone without cleaning for the passed couple of days due to me focusing on the common area. 

     I am sure we can complete the "cleanliness is close godliness" project by Sunday night, just in time. I have to go to Wilmington on Monday, and will be gone all day, so I will not be able to clean then. Early on Tuesday morning is when the cable guy comes, so everything has to be ready by then. 

     Caleb just woke up. Coraline is playing on the tv again. Bella came out of the room. I forgot to give her Bravecto. I need to do that. Caleb just gave it to her. So we are good on that. 

     Today we have alot to do. I have to get the laundry started because I have not done that yet, and I have a huge pile to wash. I also do not know where some of my socks are disappearing to. I need to buy more compression socks. 

     I have put all other things on the back burner. The bills have been paid, and the grocery shopping has been done. Gas is in the Mazda. So, it's time. It was rainy the day before yesterday and gloomy. It was gloomy and dark yesterday. I still managed to push through to get things done. I am starting to feel more like myself before I became disabled, now that I am working all day on this project. 

     I am now looking forward to Rachel coming over to visit, and Aunt Lisa too. I will have to clean up the guest room, but I will get to that too. 

     Once the inside of the house is back in shape, I will have time to go through my dad's things on the porch and prepare for a dumpster to come. The same company that moved the old furniture away will haul the trash away. I want to make sure I don't throw anything important away. I also want to make sure I throw all the trash away that I can't put in the trash bin. We are really loading the trash bins this week, but it is long overdue. 

     I have been rubbing my eyes alot lately. They itch and I can't exactly scratch them. I have rubbed my right eye sore. It is even red. I need to be more mindful and apply eye drops and eye ointment as needed. 

     I have not been good about my oral hygiene. I have been going right to my bed after my night time routine ends with feeding Bella. I need to get back on track.

     I am thinking about getting Caleb a student desk where he can sit or stand and it has wheels. I saw one for $80 at either Bed, Bath, and Beyond or Michaels. I have to figure out how I am going to pay the bills first though. I still haven't figured out how I will be able to afford to pay the inspection, taxes, adn registration for the Mazda before the end of February yet. 

     I might have a $99 bill coming my way when the cable guy comes. That is the charge if I have done something to cause the problem with the cable or wifi. Because he is coming to check on 2 cable boxes, and 1 wifi, I hope maybe I won't be charged. The wifi is working fine now, but the cable boxes have not worked since sometime in the Fall of last year, before the holidays. We missed all the holiday specials, and I am going to lose all my Harry Potter recordings, Lord of the Rings recordings, and The Hobbit recordings that I saved on the DVR. 

     I have a mess at my work station by my computer. It will have to wait until the bigger projects are done. I am going to make better use of my lateral filing cabinets. 

     Caleb finally went back to bed. He is so talkative when he wakes up. It's hard to handle. I like my quiet time. 

     I have run out of things to write about. There is not alot going on and I have lost touch with people I normally talk to. I haven't been expanding  my mind with any of my studies lately. I have been trying to keep up with what President Biden is doing on a daily basis. I know he signed an executive order today, as I watched the last few minutes of it. I missed the speech beforehand, so I don't know what it encompasses. 

     I can't wait to finally get my new medication cabinet put together. I have to do that too. I also have to put together my pet carpet cleaner. Both of them are still their boxes. 

     I need a shower but I don't know if I have any clean clothes to put on. I don't have enough socks, since I keep losing them. I am comfortable in these jeans and I wish I had more that fit me. Different sizes and different brands fit differently. I need to go through my stuff and figure out what fits, and what will never fit so I can get rid of stuff I can't use. It's on my list to do. I still have not changed from my old diabetic shoes to my new diabetic shoes. I need to do that, and put these away for yard work or something. 

     I see the neurologist on Monday. I am sure we will be talking about my medications. There is no need to change my medication now that I can see that I can control my weight. If I kept gaining, it would be another story, but I have lost weight the passed two weeks. I weigh in again on Monday when I wake up. I hope I have lost weight again. If that is the case, there is no need to change my medication, which is something that causes me great distress. 

     I also have my labs taken on Monday. I am having my potassium measured to make sure it is not too high because of the spironolactone medication I have started taking. My A1C will also be measured. I hope I am doing ok. I know I have not been doing great because of the holidays.

     I am also seeing the nurse at the Women's Clinic on Monday. She will just be checking my blood pressure. 

     Last but not least, I will be getting a Covid-19 screening done on Monday. I am not looking forward to having a long rod put up my nostril. I hope it goes quickly and does not hurt. 

     I am trying to prepare myself for Monday's appointments too. It's going to be a long day away from home. Caleb will be staying with Alisa until I get back home. I have to figure out how I am going to feed myself while I am there. I have not gotten that far in my planning yet. I need at least something to snack on. I also have to figure out dinner. I can probably come up with a crockpot meal. I will be tired when I get home. 

     It is now 5:36 a.m. here. I took my iron pill and orange juice around midnight when I woke up then. I should probably be getting back to bed. I have a long day ahead of me again. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 239

      Today's prompt is "What is the best part of your life right now?" Freedom from a 9-5 job. 

     It is now 1:36 a.m. here. Yesterday I woke up around 10:30 a.m. due to Caleb waking me up. I could have slept in for another 2 hours or so. I was tired. I woke up sore and achy. That is a sign the weather is going to be bad. Sure enough, it raine3d on and off all day long and was gloomy and dark outside. 

     I did my morning routine, without taking my blood sugar. I was slow to get moving, but eventually I lit my black candle, some incense, and sage. I decided it was time to sage my crystal collection, so I did. I also took the time to sage my aura. I began to pick up trash from the floor. I picked up one full bag and had to take a break. It is hard for me to bend over and also to squat down to pick things up. I probably started cleaning around 1:00 p.m. I did not stop until about 6:30 p.m. I shop vac'd the sofa cushions, inside the sofa, and on top of the sofa. I put the cushions back where they belong. I ended up picking up 5 kitchen trash bags full of trash from the floor. I shop vac'd about half of what I wanted to clean in the living room. I can see alot more clean carpet now. Caleb did help a little, but I did most of the work. We managed to clear a path from the sofa to the front door. Today we will clean up more, and I hope to be able to pet vac the floor to be sure to get up the tiny things the shop vac misses. 

     My allergies are bad, and so are Caleb's and Bella's, so this will help us all alot. There was alot of dust and hair vacuumed up. I guess the shop vac came apart at some point a while back, and got knocked over. So I ended up vacuuming up big clumps of hair and dust that had already been vacuumed up previously. I want to be able to move furniture around to change the atmosphere in here and make things more efficient. When we got the "new" furniture, we did not have time to put things where I wanted them. There were too many things in the way, and I did not want to pay more to have the moving guys more money than I was already paying them. 

     Caleb likes the cleaner living room. I told him, it would have been that way all along if he would just get up and put things in the trash can instead of on the floor! 

     I burned the black candle the whole time while I worked and burned the white sage several times over as I worked. I also burned some dragon's blood sage as well. It's important to clear the air as we clean of all the negativity that came with the mess. 

     That was our day. We did not go anywhere. Score. We did not have any appointments. It was raining outside, and the only thing to do was clean up. 

     I did make some calls about Caleb's medication refills and had some problems worked out. 

     I did cancel my VA appointment to Fayetteville to the CPAP clinic, and sent a secure email message to the CPAP clinic requesting that they mail me a new CPAP with the reasons I could not drive there. If nothing else, my request is documented. 

     The stimulus check did not come in the mail.

      The Army investigator did not call. I may have to email the Police Investigator to ask what is going on.

     Today is Friday, and we do not have any appointments. I am trying to make the most of these days at home, because next week will be busy away from home. Monday Caleb is going to my friend's Alisa's while I go to Wilmington for multiple VA appointments. I have to have labs done, see the nurse at the Women's Clinic, see the neurologist, and get a Covid-19 screening done before I can come home and get Caleb.

     Tuesday we have an early appointment with AT&T cable and internet services. The cable guy is coming between 8:30-9:30 a.m. He is going to fix the cable in the living room, the cable in the bed room, and double check the wifi.

     Wednesday I have 2 dental appointments at the VA in Wilmington. Caleb will ride with me to those and just stay in the Mazda. I will not be able to go if I find out I have Covid-19. I am pretty sure I don't have it. 

     I was supposed to drive to Fayetteville on Thursday to go to the CPAP clinic, but I cancelled that appointment. So I have no appointments on Thursday or Friday.

     I complete a series of payments on Feb 1, so that will give me more or my own money back. I also pay off a store credit card that I used to buy my bed in mid-February. I did not have to pay to file my federal nor my state taxes this year, as I have had to do in previous years, so that saved me more than $100. I will still be a little short because I have to pay for the inspection, taxes, and registration of the Mazda before the end of February. I have not figured out how I am going to pay that yet. I was expecting to use the stimulus check, but that's gone out of the window! 

     I just placed my order for the 3mg nicotine e-juice. I am going to make this happen this time. So mote it be!

      Caleb is alseep on the sofa, even though I told him I did not want him to sleep in the living room anymore. Bella is sleeping at his feet on the sofa. At least I don't have to try to walk over them both. They were previously on cushions on the floor just where ever. It made it that much harder to get to my computer in the early mornings, like I do. 

     Caleb wants the tv in my room for his bedroom. I am trying to get him to work for it. I want this house cleaned up, and I can't do it by myself. I did not make this mess, I really should not have to clean it up. He is not a little kid anymore. He can clean up his own messes. I want the living room spotless. I want his bedroom spotless, like I had it the last time I cleaned it for him. If he can make these things happen, I will consider giving him the tv that is in my room for his bedroom. I refuse to give him a tv if he causes me trouble and will not help clean up. I will not give him the tv if his room is not spotless. Nope. Sure won't. So, there is work to be done. 

     Today I hope to gather the dirty laundry and run the machines all day to maximize washing. I did not do that yesterday, but I should have. I want the front of the house cleaned up before Monday morning. I will not be home all day Monday, and the cable guy is coming early on Tuesday morning so... we have a deadline to meet. 

     The front yard did not get worked on because of the rain, but that needs to be taken care of too.

     Eventually we are going to be able to clear off the porch so I can finally assemble my oversized rocker chairs for big people. I bought one for me and one for Sharon. Unfortunately she never got to experience the chair because they are still in the boxes. I hope they are not damaged. The boxes are coming apart. They have been waiting on the porch for more than a year now. I can't wait to clear off my porch. It will be so nice so not have to see the mess my dad left behind. 

     One thing at a time though. First the yard has priority, then the living room and common area. 

     I have sacrificed cleaning up the kitchen to clean up the living room. The living room is more of a deep cleaning project, and the kitchen is a daily task. It will be worth it in the end. 

     I never ended up scattering the rose remains from my grandpa's memorial. I think I will cut them and keep them in a mason jar until the anniversary of his death this year. He is missed. So is my grandma.

     I felt pretty good after cleansing my space with sage, and think I should definitely do it more often. I know I pick up other people's energies and it clings to me like static cling. I have not mastered the art of empath shielding, but I am working on it. The necklace I bought really does make a difference, and I made sure to waft smoke over it too. 

     I have not spent any time reading or studying, so I have no interesting news to share. I have been recovering from my caffeine and Diet Mountain Dew addiction. Soon I will be feeling the effects of trying to quit nicotine, and I know I will feel that deep down too. 

     Caleb is getting more interested in studying with me by the day. I cannot think with the house being a disaster area. I have been trying all this time to remedy the situation, and only now have been able to make a difference. Once we get things on track for project "cleanliness is close to godliness", I will be able to sit with him in a clean space and study for long periods of time without distraction. Right now, I am trying so hard to maintain clean spaces because they are not deep cleaned to the point of only needing maintenance. If I can teach Caleb these things first, it will make both our lives so much better and easier. I have just got it to the point where I can keep cleaning the kitchen and cooking repeatedly throughout the week. It's alot of work. We are getting to the point where we can add more to the routine, which is needed because the bathroom is a disaster area too. I am trying my best to schedule things in and take care of not only myself , but Caleb and Bella as well. I am trying to manage things on my own. I can be my own worst enemy, and also I have health problems that keep me down. I only get so far, and then I lose track because of health problem complications. 

     I am trying to be more accepting of divine guidance and assistance. It has been said that the inability to accept or even ask for help is a trauma response. Being overly-independent is a trauma response. So I am working on that. I like to work with crystals, candles, incense, sage, and cooking things with herbs. I like to take dietary herbal supplements to help me with my health problems. I think I am doing a good job working my craft into everyday life. It is so seamless and happens with ease because I have done most of these things without even thinking for alot of my life. It still comes as a surprise to me that I am a Christian Witch. 

     At some point I need to take a shower, badly. I have been sweating while working and sweating while sleeping. I have developed an under the breast rash on my left side. I need to find a way to stay dry. During the summer I would use a dry powder spray, but I forget what I used. I will have to look again the next time I go to Walmart. 

     Caleb is trying to get me to keep my skin moisturized. He likes to put moisturizing cream on my hardened elbows.

     I wake up to inflamed knees. I find it odd. I don't know why they get inflamed while I am sleeping? 

     I feel pretty good right now. I don't feel like a dried up soda-craving maniac like I did when I use to get up. I know I am hydrated now. LOL I drink so much water! I drink about 160 fluid ounces every 24 hours, and sometimes more. 

     I had no rice, bread, pasta, or potatoes today. I think when I go to weigh in on Monday, I will be pleasantly surprised. I hope I can afford to buy more fresh vegetables for my dinners. I am low on money until I get paid again. Aunt Lisa sent me money to be able to put gas in the Mazda so I could drive to Fayetteville for my appointment. I think, since I have cancelled that appointment, by her suggestion, that I will have enough money to buy more fresh vegetables if I run out. Thank God for her! I never have enough money. It is embarrassing. I bought foods for Caleb to eat with my money. I bought him easy thing she can make for himself when he is hungry like chicken nuggets, fish fillets, and tater tots. Aunt Lisa sent Velveeta Shells and Cheese, corn, and black eyed peas. I bought more black eyed peas this last trip to the grocery store because he likes them so much and eats them almost everyday now. He has a variety of canned green beans, corn, and mixed vegetables to choose from. He eats them right out of the can when he is hungry. I bought him ham and American cheese, as well as string cheese. I bought him loaves multi-grain bread, which he liked so much that he ate a loaf a day. I bought Bella chicken livers and beef liver to mix with her food. I also bought Caleb and Bella sweet potatoes because they both like them alot. I'm just saying, you know, because at the end of the day I wonder... "Where did all my money go? I just got paid." 

     I am not paying more than $3/day for water anymore. I bought that water filter tank and am using it for all it's worth. I drink alkaline water in all my drinks now, without worrying if I will have enough water for the next day. It is a huge relief because I do feel the difference drinking alkaline water versus filtered water from the fridge or even from distilled water. 

     Bella found peace on the clean sofa once I cleaned it and put it back together. She slept on the sofa the whole day while I was cleaning up. I could tell she was relieved to not have much of a mess around. It was highly visible in her body language. 

     Caleb is happy to have floor space to play with his hot wheels cars now. I told him he could have had it all along if he would just get up and put his trash in the trash can where it belongs! 

     We found a couple of pairs of his white socks, but it is till a mystery where the majority of them went. I swear that clutter breeds trolls and faeries who love to move stuff, steal stuff, and make mischief. 

     My workspace is cluttered again and need re-organizing. I can't wait to get the furniture where it belongs so I can use the additional bookcases to store my stuff, instead of having things in boxes like I just moved in. 

     I really feel empowered by this new year. I am making lifestyle changes that I tried all last year to make, but they never stuck. I failed so many times, and it is nice to finally get to a point where I am not failing every time. I still fail, but not as frequently. I am taking better care of myself. I am not feeling like I am in recovery mode as much. I feel like I can stand on my own two feet more often. My self confidence is increasing. My self-esteem is getting better. I am able to move more , more days than I was last year. I still feel overwhelmed some times. I still need help sometimes. I still reach out to communicate with other adults. Being on lock down is not easy as a single parent with little local support. Being in so much debt is not easy either. I think raising a child is hard no matter who you are. I could be wrong. 

     Reporting the rape was liberating from all the guilt I carried all this time. It was not my fault I got pregnant out of wedlock, before my divorce was final, while in the Army, while in Korea. I was made to feel bad about something I had no control over. It was traumatic for years. All  the constant questions I had to face were never ending. I am glad I made it through that, and I hope I can press charges. I am glad that Caleb has no ties or emotional or spiritual connection to the idea of who his biological father was or is. It does not hurt him for me to defend myself. Thank God for that. 

     Caleb loves me. He knows me as his parent. I am sure he knows he is loved. 

     I am really interested in having more selenite around. I would like more charging plates for my crystals, and a few bowls. I would also like a large chunk of black tourmaline to keep by my bedside.

     I ordered a new essential oil the other day, when I thought I had enough money that I could spend it. It was a BOGO free deal, and I couldn't resist. The fragrance is from Vitality Extracts and is called "Sacred Scent". It is a blend of Cedarwood, Orange, and Lavender to "help relieve stress and anxiety", Frankincense and Sandalwood to "encourage cognitive function and memory", Juniper Berry and Myrtle to "Promote healthy circulation", and also Myrrh to "work as healing agents for skin, reducing the appearance of scars and fine lines." Separately these oils would cost alot, but I got a deal on the blend that is likely what I would have done anyway. 

     I have used the "Pain Away" and "Inner Peace" from Vitality extracts with success, so I am really looking forward to getting it the mail. 

     So today we will try to complete finishing the prep work on the living room so that I can pet vac and pet carpet clean over the weekend. Caleb will have to clean up his mess in the front yard. That's all that's on the schedule for today. It might not seem like alot, but deep cleaning the living room is no joke. We are going to have to move furniture around to get underneath everything, and while we are at it move them to where I want them to be. I might have to go out to buy some cheap white wash clothes so I have something reusable to dust with, but other than that, we are going to stay home. I might even run the diffuser with some essential oils today, who knows? LOL I do love my candles, incense and sage though. 

     I took my iron pill and orange juice when I got up at midnight. It's time I go back to bed. I am awake, but feel like I could easily fall asleep once I'm in bed. If not, I have my book and book light now by the bed waiting for me to to pick them up.  

5 Year Journal Day 238

     Today's prompt is " What would you like to tell your father?" I want my dad to know I love him and miss him, but we can't be together.

     It is now 2:55 a.m. here. Yesterday I did not get out of bed until about noon. Even then, I was tired. Coming off of the caffeine I would drink daily from the Diet Mountain Dew is no joke. I took my blood sugar. I took my meds. I had breakfast. Caleb took Bella for a walk. I began to prepare dinner in the crockpot. I made a variation on the theme "chili". It was stew beef, cabbage, green beans, yellow onion, red, yellow, orange, and green bell peppers. It turned out good.

     Once dinner was cooking in the crockpot, and Caleb was home, I decided I needed to go to run errands. Caleb wanted to stay home, so I left him with chores to do while I was out. I told him the dishwasher and dish strainer needed to be unloaded, and the kitchen trash needed to be taken out. I left and went to Walmart. I bought some groceries, and then went to put gas in the Mazda. I called Caleb to find out if he did what I asked him to do. No, he didn't . So, I came home. On the way home, I got the call from Dr. Karels, the VA pharmacist who specializes in diabetes. The call went well, and I ended up with a new prescription for a higher dosage of glipizide. It was very helpful to talk with her,  and I feel like I was listened to. 

     I ended up finishing the conversation in my home parking spot. Once done, I came inside and asked Caleb to bring in the groceries. I checked the mail, but the mail had not come yet. Dinner smelled delicious when I walked in the door. The dishwasher was emptied , but the other tasks were not done. I really did not do much else throughout the rest of the day. I wasted time on facebook until dinner was ready. 

     Joe Biden is now our President. Kamala Harris is now our Vice President. I missed the inauguration. 

     So, it was a short day for me. I had dinner. I took my meds. Caleb fed Bella chicken livers, veggie mix and kibble for dinner. Caleb cut my toe nails for me. They were quite long and I cannot reach to cut them myself. I went to lay down, and was reading an email from the VA. It had an article about free tax services for this year. I looked it up and was going to start my taxes on my phone, but I only had 9% of my battery charge left. So I got up and came to my computer to file my taxes. I got that done, and it was easy because I was able to use TurboTax which I use every year. While I was on the computer, Caleb filed my toe nails, and painted them for me. He found an 80's music video station on youtube and played music on the tv. 

     I was interested in  getting my stimulus payment, since I have not received it yet. Turns out that the IRS is not open for tax returns until February 12th, and it will be likely be the beginning of March before I receive a direct deposit of my stimulus check from my tax return. 

     I have not received a call from the Army investigator yet.

     I have only $20 to my name and I was just paid on Tuesday. I have 3 days worth of VA appointments next week, and will not have enough gas money to make it to all of them. 2 days worth are in Wilmington, which I could swing, but the 1 day in Fayetteville, I cannot. It is a 5 hour drive round trip. It takes at least a whole tank of gas. I have not been letting the gas tank get below half empty because I know I do not have alot of money to spend on gas. 

     I let Aunt Lisa know that I have not received the stimulus check yet. I owe her for giving me money to buy a new car battery for the Mazda. Everyday I am looking in the mail for the check, and everyday I have been disappointed. I have no idea where the check is because there is no tracking number on the damned thing. 

     I have to have a Covid-19 test on Monday, and I am not looking forward to that. 

     Today I do not have any appointments. I need to do some laundry, wash some dishes, and well, you know. House cleaning. I have to supervise Caleb's cleaning up of the front yard. He made a mess out there and never cleaned it up. It looks like shit. 

     If I have any down time, I need to read my book, and/or catch up on my magical studies. 

     Some photos from earlier this week: 

     Caleb before his haircut.

     Caleb after his haircut.

     Lipstick day for cleaning the house.

     Caleb and me being silly.

     Freshly showered. 

       

5 Year Journal Day 237

     Today's prompt is "Write your recipe for creativity." At least 1 candle burning, at least 1 incense stick burning, peace, and quiet. 

     It is now 2:35 a.m. here. Yesterday I slept in until practically noon. I was tired and I woke up tired too. I took my glucose. I took my meds, and ate breakfast, I gave Caleb his meds. I paid the bills. Caleb had his appointment at 3:15 p.m., so we left around 2:00 to get there on time. We arrived 50 minutes early? It was strange. I even went to pay the water bill first. Before we left, I finished loading the dishwasher and started it. 

     I told Caleb's therapist about he was with me during the reporting of my rape, resulting in his birth. 

     After that I took Caleb to get his hair cut at Great Clips. There was a long wait. Then we went next door to Lowe's Foods and bought some sushi. Both of us were hungry and did not want to wait for dinner. 

     We came home, and I steamed a sweet potato and some carrots for Bella's dinner. Caleb took a shower. I took my medications. Bella had the remainder of the salmon I bought mixed with the carrots, sweet potato, and ginger mixture and kibble for dinner. I make enough of the veggie mix for about 4-5 days at a time. She doesn't eat the whole mixture in one meal, oh no. 

     I went to lay down as soon as everything was done. My body hurt pretty badly, especially my pelvis. I wanted some soda earlier in the day, but I did not drink any. I guess the sushi is my carb meal for the week. The rice... 

     I came home and checked the mail, hoping to find my stimulus check, but it was not there. Instead, a letter from the Town was there. It was a notice of violation of property maintenance. Caleb's mess in the front yard attracted someone's attention. So, I've been telling him about his mess, but I guess he did not care, or did not believe me that I was going to end up in trouble. He went out and tried to fix some of it right away. He has pieces of wood that he has broken down in the yard, along with plant pots, bikes, and tools. He has to pick that shit up.

      Today I have my phone call appointment with the Dr. Karels, the VA pharmacist who specializes in diabetes. I am sure she will be changing  my medication dosage to better control my blood sugar. 

     Yesterday, I contacted the VA CPAP clinic about replacing my CPAP. It has not been working properly and is affecting my sleep negatively. I can not sleep without it, because I cannot breathe.

     I also was contacted by someone from the VA dental clinic. I have to have a negative Covid-19 screening before I can go to my dental appointment next Wednesday. So, I have to go the VA on Monday anyway, to see the neurologist, and also have labs done and been seen by the nurse for my blood pressure. I will be screened after all that. It will likely take me hours to complete everything I need to do there on Monday. I had to ask Alisa if she would mind if Caleb came over, because he is not allowed inside the clinic, and would have to wait in the van for all that time by himself. She did not mind. I did not want to leave him at home alone, because I will be gone for about 5 hours. He does not like to be left at home alone, and I feel safer for him to be with an adult. 

     The dental clinic is in Wilmington. The CPAP clinic is in Fayetteville. It takes me 2.5 hours to get to Fayetteville, and Caleb is not allowed on the VA campus because he is under 18 due to Covid-19. I will likely have to ask Alisa to watch Caleb again to go to that appointment. It will take me all day to get there, have my appointment, and get back. I am not looking forward to it. 

     I am so thirsty this morning. I drank my 82 fluid ounce jug of water within an hour. I'm still thirsty. 

    I need to wash laundry today, and hand wash the dishes that don't go in the dishwasher. I just have a few pots and utensils to handwash. I need to buy a few things from Walmart to make my water drinks, and take my iron pills. I need to buy a pack of beef liver for Bella's dinners this week. I spent more than I would have liked on sushi yesterday, so I have less to spend than I did. I have to stretch what I have until the end of the month. I have vegetables for a couple of meals, and meats too. I have eggs for my breakfast, and Caleb has cereal or grits. Caleb has Velveeta Shells and Cheese for the times he gets hungry and it is not dinner time, and/or he does not like dinner. We have also have ham and cheese for sandwiches, as well as tuna. There are cans of soup in the cabinet, and I think Caleb still has black eyed peas left, but I am not 100% sure. He likes them alot. 

     I need to get some more water to drink and go to bed. There is not much else going on. We are waiting to hear from Caleb's dentist about making an appointment with the orthodontist about getting braces. 

     Bella is a happier girl now that she has real food to eat. Her fur is silky and soft. She looks forward to dinners, and even licks the bowl clean, more than once. 

     It is now 3:18 a.m. and Caleb is asleep on the living room floor. Bella is laying down in my bed still. I have already taken my iron pill and orange juice for today. 

5 Year Journal Day 236

     Today's prompt is "Yes or no: Everyone should have a backup plan." Yes.

     It is now 3:52 a.m. on Tuesday here. On Sunday, I slept in until almost noon. I was sooo tired, and still tired when I woke up. I did not stay awake for very long because after I ate brunch, I did not feel well. I went back to bed for most of the afternoon. I got nothing done. The day flew by.

     Yesterday was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I woke up around 8:00 a.m. and woke Caleb up to take the trash to the road for pickup. I was pretty slow moving, but I did check my sugar first thing. Billy G. wanted me to drive him to run some errands. I had not decided how I was feeling just yet. Once I felt like I could take a shower, I let him know I would drive over. On days I shower, I don't normally end up doing much anyway. Showering takes a lot out of me, and then, when I am clean, I don't want to get dirty.

     Caleb and I left around 12 and got there around 1. He needed to pick up his check and cash it so he could pay the water bill. We did the first two things, but the water company was closed for the holiday. We went to Kohl's to see if he could buy the soap he likes. They did not have it anymore. He saw the Buffalo Wild Wings across the parking lot, and wanted to go there, so we did. He treated Caleb and me to wings, fried pickles, and french fries.  Then we went to Food Lion so he could do some grocery shopping. Once that was done, I took Billy home and dropped him off. Caleb and I started driving towards home, but I decided to stop at the T-Mobile store. I was on the phone with T-Mobile customer service trying to fix my phone service problems. I was not able to receive phone calls or text messages. I did get it fixed. I ended up switching back to T-Mobile. I can afford T-Mobile. I spend $55/mo with them for unlimited plan. The same plan with Verizon is about $40 more a month. 

     Caleb and I came home, and had a pretty quiet night. We got home just in time, before it got dark outside. I fed Bella salmon bits, and her veggie mix with her kibble. Caleb made himself some Velveeta Shells and Cheese, and I ate his leftover wings that he did not like. 

     I got to talk to my Aunt Lisa last night. We caught up on how my health is going and talked about how we are doing with the homeschooling. I am not doing as well as I would like with homeschooling Caleb. I would like to be able to sit still with him and get some studying done. He is so hyperactive, even with medication, that it makes it hard. Also, we still deal with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I want to teach Caleb things he needs to know. It's complicated by ADHD and ODD, and my health. 

     I went to bed with brain drain. I was just so tired, and that conversation left me even more so. I cannot meet other people's expectations of what home school should be like. I don't try to anymore. I have learned the hard way that Caleb's homeschooling is about Caleb growing and learning, however that may happen for him. If teachers who are paid to teach, and educated in teaching can't get Caleb to work at school, in the classroom using their methods, what makes anyone think I will be successful doing the same things? 

     I am not educated in teaching methods, and I have an exceptional student. I also have a home to run, and health problems. I was struggling when Caleb was in school more than I am now. When Caleb was in school, everyday their was a note sent home about some problem one or more teachers was having with Caleb. I cut out the bullshit. If Caleb is going to create problems, not do his work, and and find ways to escape class, he may as well do that at home. At least we have been working on his mental health. He has made progress, and is less violent than when school started in August. He has graduated Occupational Therapy. 

     It is easier for me to keep to myself than it is to explain why we do things differently around here. The whole point of homeschooling is to not have to subscribe to traditional teaching routines and methods. I have to do what is right for my family. I have to do what is right for me and my health, and I have to do what is right for Caleb and his health. Health is more important than school status and grades.

     I only say these things because my Aunt Lisa is not the only one who asks questions and is concerned. No one can really understand where I am coming from without walking in my shoes, or in Caleb's shoes. I don't need to explain myself, but I care about my Aunt Lisa, and what she thinks. It stresses me out to put in the hot  seat about my son's education. Sometimes I want to ask those with questions, "Don't you think I know?" Don't you think I know I am struggling? Don't you think I know we are failing? Don't you think I realize that Caleb is behind? 

     Failing 6th grade is not the end of the world. Nothing has been easy for any of us this passed 12 months. Give us a break. 

     Caleb is a free-form student being taught free- range. When he asks how to spell something, I say "Sound it out." When asks me a question, I say "Look it up." I have already detailed the things he has accomplished so far. He is now cooking on his own on the stove. He is beginning to hand wash dishes, and use the laundry washer and dryer for himself. He continues to do chores around the house. He goes to therapy and his psychiatrist. He is learning to take care of his body with personal hygiene. He is learning to care for Bella, and not do things that bother her. He is watching me write everyday. He is watching me read books. He is watching me and learning from what he sees me do. I try to be a good example and role model. I do what I can.

     I think things will be easier on us both once the cable is fixed. The cable has been out since before Halloween last year. It is easier for him to watch Discovery channel , National Geographic, Science Channel, or History Channel than to read. 

     Caleb has learned about alkaline water, distilled water, and tap water. He learned about diabetes and blood sugar in normal people versus blood sugar in diabetics. He is learning about dietary nutrition and making healthy choices. He is learning about weight management. He is learning about all my health problems as he watches me everyday. He is learning about his health problems, as he comes up with questions, and I answer them. He is learning about the pandemic, staying healthy, and being safe. He is learning about money, and why we don't have alot to spend. He is learning about how to spend our money wisely. He is learning about how to take care of a vehicle. He is learning how to take care of house plants. Hopefully we will be planting a vegetable garden this year. We have been saving bell pepper seeds to plant. 

     Quite frankly, if Trump can be President, there isn't much Caleb can't do. 

     I weighed in at 323.4lbs. Monday morning. That is down from 325lbs. the Monday before, and 327.8lbs. the Monday before that. So I lost 1.6lbs. I hope the weight loss continues. I have successfully been without soda for I think a week. I am planning on weaning myself from the nicotine in my e-juice. I am now vaping 6mg/ml and I will drop to 3mg/ml, and then to 0mg/ml and eventually quit vaping altogether. 

     I have been tracking my morning glucose levels, and am not satisfied with my readings. I have an appointment on Wednesday with Dr. Karels, the VA pharmacist who specializes in diabetes. I know I need more medication to manage my blood sugar. I have been eating low carb for some days now. No bread, pasta, rice, or potatoes for me. I am also trying to keep in mind the sugary vegetables and fruits. 

     I am waiting for the Army investigator to call me. It should by any day now.

     Midmonth February I will have one of my credit cards paid off completely. It is a store credit card that will likely never need to be used again. 

     I am still waiting for my stimulus check to arrive in the mail. I owe Aunt Lisa the $150 she loaned me so I could replace my car battery in the Mazda. 

     Caleb and I unwrapped my crystal set that finally arrived. I felt different with them in front of me. The next day I felt sick being in their presence. I had them in a box next to my chair. I decided that I needed to do something, so I did. I took each crystal in my hand, one by one, and welcomed them to my home. I blessed them and returned them to the box where I am storing them for now. The energy shifted. I no longer feel different around them. They may have picked up energy along the way to my house. It was a long trip from China where they were shipped from. 

     My Yankee candles arrived too. I now have one white candle, one gray, one black, and 3 blue-green. All of them were bought either on sale or on clearance. Proud savvy shopper here! 

     I am eating more of that chicken breast than I intended. Caleb can be so picky sometimes. He is going to get into trouble eating a carb-only diet. I try to influence him to eat healthy choices, but he is stubborn. 

     I pre-ordered the Labyrinth movie tarot set from amazon! It should ship in July. 

     I am behind in my Awakened Soul Coven studies. I feel like I wasn't home much last week. I spent alot of time helping other people. I drove Billy G. around on Monday. I drove Donna around on Tuesday. I was exhausted on Wednesday. I think I may have gotten some of my own things done Thursday. 

     I really need to watch the latest of Ethony's videos because this month is about boundaries. For sure. I need it. I give everything I have and have nothing for me. 

     I haven't been reading my book because I have been too tired. I just need to not be around other people for a few days, or something. I need to recover. 

     I got my Swanson Vitamins order in the mail. I started taking the Prebiotic and Probiotic right away. The other things were just refills of my normal daily supplements for pain. 

     I am waiting for news that they are giving the Covid-19 vaccine to my priority group so I can get mine ASAP. I do not know when I will be able to get it. Some of my facebook veteran friends have already gotten their first shots. 

     I'm wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from Lane Bryant today. That's news in itself. I just haven't been feeling like wearing my good clothes for one reason or another. I felt good about wearing them yesterday though. 

     Today Caleb has an appointment with his therapist in the afternoon. I am waiting to get paid today so I can pay the rest of my bills. That is all that is on the schedule for today. Caleb is supposed to do some reading today. I want him to report to me what he learned. 

     I need to wash some laundry, and some dishes, but what else is new? I need to pick up more trash from the floor. I need to get the bathroom cleaned from top to bottom. We will see. Hopefully I feel awake when I get up later. It is 5:30 a.m. now. I need to take my iron pill and orange juice and go back to bed. I just checked my account and the deposit is not there yet. Paying the bills will have to wait until I get back up.