Tuesday, January 5, 2021

5 Year Journal Day 224

     Today's prompt is "How many stamps are in your passport?" None.

     It is now 12:39 a.m. here. Yesterday was an important day for Caleb and me. We both went to the Oak Island Police Department and reported a rape that ended in me getting pregnant with Caleb. I went in there with courage and faith. I left there with courage and faith. I know I did what I needed to do. 

     I slept in and woke up tired. I didn't want to get out of bed, but Caleb was hyper. I slowly made my way to my chair at the kitchen table,  and gathered my medications. I took my medications and ate some bread with cottage cheese. I then gathered Caleb's medications for him. I was slow moving but I made it to the shower. I showered and did my normal routine in drying and cooling off before getting dressed. When I was ready to go, we left for the Police Department. 

     Caleb walked in with me. He sat through the entire interview with the Detective and heard every word. I am not ashamed anymore. Caleb did not interrupt once the entire time we were there. 

     Once I was finished there, Caleb went to break free in the adjoining Town Park, while I went to the Mazda to vape and drink my Diet Mountain Dew. I talked with my Aunt Lisa and let her know how things went. I was ok. I am going to be ok. Caleb was ok. Caleb came to me, and hugged me, and said " I'm proud of you Mom."

     Caleb has been giving me real hugs all day long. There is a difference in the hugs I got yesterday compared to the everyday hugs. He was gentle and sincere. 

     I feel like a burden has been lifted from my body. I no longer have the need to keep the secret. I no longer feel as much guilt about Caleb's conception, and not knowing who his biological father is. 

     Caleb and I went to Food Lion because I did not have a crockpot dinner prepared and it was reaching 2:00 p.m., too late to start a dinner for dinner time. I decided I would make fake lasagna and a salad. 

     We came home, and Caleb wanted to go for a walk. I wanted something to eat. I had artichoke hearts and hearts of palm for a late lunch. I took the quiet time to myself and reached out to people who knew what I would be doing yesterday. I text Rachel, Stella, my mom, and Mariel. I said "Thank you for holding my hand." to my mom and Mariel. I let everyone know I was ok. I am going to be ok. I was not a nervous wreck. I was not on an emotional rollercoaster. I was feeling solid, and grounded. 

     I have been wearing my empath protection necklace since I got it in the mail. I reached out to the seller and let her know how it helped me. I reached out to my psychiatrist and let her know what I did. 

     I got the black tourmaline necklace I ordered in the mail. It was too short for my comfort, so I gave it to Caleb to wear. It will help him if he keeps wearing it. He said it makes him feel like it gives him energy. LOL It's funny because I bought it to help me clear my energetic body of past traumas and blockages. He has past traumas and blockages too, so it did not go to waste. 

     I got my Far Infrared Ray emitting waist wrap in the mail too. It fits! I did not think it would be big enough to go all the way around me because my belly is so large. I felt the heat from it as soon as I put it on. It's an awesome thing to have for back pain. It is essentially a cordless heating pad.

     I got a thank you letter from Stella too! It was beautifully written.

     Caleb came up to me and asked to be baptized! I immediately called Pastor Rick and requested help in making sure Caleb knows what it means to be baptized. He was so happy to hear! He also asked if he could include a copy of my letter to the donor of the gift I received during Christmas from the church. I said , "Of course!"  

     I did not suffer alot of emotional pain during the day. By that, I mean pain brought on by being too emotional, a kind of fibromyalgia flare up. I did hurt when I laid down for bed, but it was not much. I have had alot worse. 

     Let's get back to my book. 

     Am I a Relationship Empath? Here are the questions that I answered "yes" to.

Am I afraid of being smothered or of losing my identity in close relationships?

Does too much togetherness make me anxious?

Do I need to be alone to recharge myself?

Do I sometimes prefer sleeping alone?

Am I annoyed by the sound of my partner watching television or talking on the phone when we're together?

Are my feelings easily hurt? 

Do arguments make me ill or leave me exhausted?

Do I have difficulty setting boundaries and asserting my needs?

     Answering yes to seven or more questions indicates you have strong empath tendencies and need to learn skills to manage your sensitivities in order to have a successful relationship. 

     Then there is a Self-Assessment to Determine your partner's Sensitivity IQ.  I do not have a partner currently, so that does not apply to me. Dr. Orloff goes to give "Twelve Secrets for the Empath in Love", and that is where I left off reading. I will be able to read more when the booklights arrive. I like to be comfortable when I am reading. I like to lay down and read for long periods of time. I enjoy reading alot. 

     Today I plan on working on  getting the living room floor picked up and vacuumed. It is a big job. I want to move the chair from where it is, to where the recliner was, so there is more space to enter and exit the front door. I know there is junk under it too. I think that should be all I do today. We have no appointments, and I made enough food for more than one day. I will just have to make a salad, I won't have to cook. 

     I am feeling at peace. I am not tired right now, but I know I should be getting some sleep. I was super thirsty, so I drank alot of Dew. Caleb is sleeping in the living room. I think Bella is probably sleeping near Caleb since I know she came out here.

     I need to take my iron pill and orange juice. I wish I could go to bed and just read until I fall asleep. I can't wait for those book lights to arrive. 

     Let's review: 

Dec 31, 2020: Caleb's birthday

Jan 1, 2021: removal of old furniture

Jan 2, 2021: chat with Billy A. Johnson-Honey on facebook and find out Caleb's family tree; Peggie Bartolotta is Caleb's great grandmother

Jan 3, 2021: hang out with Billy Gore, also chat with Jamie McCurry  on Facebook; Jamie denies everything

Jan 4, 2021: file a police report of the rape that led to my pregnancy with Caleb

     I am glad I am in the habit of journaling again. It will prove to be useful in the future. One day, Caleb and I will look back at this and say "Wow, did that really happen that way?" 


  

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