5 Year Journal Day 13

     Today's prompt is " Where do you want to travel next?" Well, this is a complicated question for me. I have places that I literally want to travel soon, and places that I dream about travelling to one day. I want to travel to visit my Aunt Lisa and family in New Jersey for Thanksgiving, pending Coronavirus safety issues. She wants to hold a big family dinner, and I'd like to be a part of it.
     I would also like to visit my brother, Mathew, wherever he may be when he comes home from deployment. I want to give this man a big juicy hug to show him how much I have missed him and that I love him so much!
     I would also like to visit my sister, Sherri, and my mom, who live close to one another, in Georgia. I want to see Sherri's boys and hug them too! They are growing so fast.
     The places I dream about visiting are Brazil, to where my dad grew up, and also to Greece and Italy. I have always been a Greek mythology fan, and I really enjoy the Greek festival they have close by every year. I can only imagine what I might find if I actually made it to visit. I love Italian food, as I know it, and also enjoy ancient Roman history.
     The thing is, I have anxiety about travelling because I don't like to be away from my medical care. I have a history of seizures, although none within the last year, and am afraid to commit to driving far distances.
     I don't speak a foreign language. I learned Spanish in middle school and high school, but that was so long ago. They don't teach how to hold a conversation in school. At least they didn't when I was there. I might be able to barely get by if I went to Mexico. At least I can ask "Donde esta el bano?" I don't even know how to find the right letter for "n" with a til on the keyboard. 
   
     I am planning on having a beach photo shoot with Caleb in July. I bought a special dress that I hope looks good on me. It hasn't arrived yet. I just bought it, while it was on sale. I love sales. I am going to pick out a special outfit for Caleb to wear too. I want our photo shoot to look magical. I have already told him what I expect him to wear, and what needs to be done in advance. His room is a disaster area and I can not walk in there. I need to be able to sort through the clothes I bought him for summer time, and pick out what I want him to wear that day.
     We have not had our pictures taken by a professional photographer since before I was hospitalized in 2013. Those pictures were done by the Picture People and turned out so good! They were taken in a studio, though, and this time we will be on the beach. I found a photographer who was not charging an arm and a leg to do a mini-shoot. Her photos are beautiful! Her name is Taylor Dillon and she comes to Oak Island during the summers, I guess.
     Before our appointment, I've got to figure out the best way to do my makeup. I am out of practice and make mistakes. I know I want to keep it natural looking. I am going to be wearing my hair down and curly. I want to find some earrings to wear too. Something big like statement jewelry as I won't be wearing any other jewelry. I decided I won't be wearing shoes on the beach, so I have no worries about that. I just need Caleb to give me a pedicure a few days beforehand.
     I know many people curse this year, but for some reason, this year feels special to me. I turned 37 this year, and I really feel good about it. Caleb is 11 this year. There's something special about those numbers and places in time. Maybe I'm just a whack-a-doo, but that's just how I feel.

5 Year Journal Day 12

     Today's prompt is "What is your favorite accessory?" My favorite accessory is my large hoop earrings.

     Once upon a time, just before I was hospitalized, I had worked my way down to a size 6. I was the smallest and most fit I had ever been in my life. I desperately want to be small and fit again. I can't seem to make it happen. When I decided to lose weight before getting to that point, I was about 220 lbs. I wasn't being medicated for any reason. I was in full control of what I could do with my body. I was only 29 or 30 years old. I was already feeling old as the deadline to apply to be an officer in the Army was nearing. I was going to UNCW at the time, full time, on campus. I had Caleb in daycare all day Monday through Friday. I decided to start going to the gym. I became addicted with small victories. It became a game to challenge myself to work harder and longer.
     I was still dealing with fatigue and lack of adequate sleep. I was taking thermogenics from GNC. I started with Lipo 6 Black Hers. I wasn't drinking any soda at the time. I was carrying a protein shake with me to school, and would drink a gatorade after a workout. I drank all the water I wanted. I ate one individual packet serving of peaches and cream oatmeal in the morning, made with water. I drank the protein shake for lunch. I made myself either chicken breast or fish with vegetables for dinner. I was also taking herbal supplements to help with the movement of my joints, a multi-vitamin, and metamucil fiber pills.
     I began by walking for 30 minutes at a time, once a day, for 4 to 5 times a week. I gradually increased my time walking on the treadmill up to 45 then to 60 minutes. When this became easier, I started creating my own incline challenges, walking uphill. As I listened to my ipod, the time flew by. I felt better after each walk. It gave me time to myself.
     I got the idea to add weights to my body. I began collecting weights over time. I think I may have started with shoe weights. By the time I finished, I was up to weighted gloves, ankle weights, weighted vest, weighted shorts, shoe weights, neoprene shorts, and weights on my arms, and lower legs. It added up to about 80lbs of weights that I was carrying on my entire body. I looked ridiculous but my body was awesome for the workout.
     After I walked I would rest in my Far Infrared heated body sauna suit at home to recover.
     Having the medical conditions I have, and being on medications, I can no longer take thermogenics to help me have energy. I rely on Diet Mountain Dew to get through the day. I have attempted to diet by going on the keto diet. I lost about 10lbs in 2 months, and then started wavering. I ended up quitting. Now I am doing a variation on the theme. I am diabetic so carbohydrates and sugar should be severely limited anyway. I am increasing my protein intake so I won't be hungry all the time, and reducing my fat intake. I weigh in on Mondays. Last week I lost 1 lbs. from the week before. This may be how I need to continue for the foreseeable future.
     I do not eat much during the day. I have a full home cooked dinner every night though. I do still drink a lot of Diet Mountain Dew these days, but if you had to keep up with Caleb, you would need help too. I also chug down the water. I drink Sugar-free Twist during the night and early morning, because I can keep a 2 liter bottle next to where I sleep. I am almost always thirsty so having drinks around is important.
     According to my dietician, a person should take their weight in pounds, and divide it by half to get the number of fluid ounces of water needed per day. I'm roughly at 160 fluid ounces a day. Believe it or not, I drink more than that.
     I don't buy junk food on a regular basis. Some times I will buy tortilla chips and salsa or something like that, but even that is not that bad. It's harder when Caleb wants to eat junk, and we have junk food in the house that I like. For instance, Doritos. I have become more able to say no.
     I have tried using my Fitness Pal and also Total Keto Diet apps on my phone to track calories, macros, and weight. It's not really for me. I don't like micromanaging my intake. I don't want to think about food more than I have to. I have gotten to a point where I know what I can have and what I should stay away from. I know, for example, that although beans are not considered keto-friendly, I must eat them regularly if I want to be regular. I take medications that affect my body in unexpected ways, and I have to take that in consideration when I choose what to eat. I like to eat a cucumber or a stalk of celery with salad dressing, or hard boiled eggs for lunch. I have hard boiled eggs or frosted mini wheats for breakfast. I don't eat hard boiled eggs but once a day, if that. I include fresh vegetables in every dinner, along with a meat, and beans. I like to think of it as "At least 2/3 fiber, and at least 2/3 protein." It can be that way, because beans are both protein and fiber!
     I'm a creature of habit, so I don't need all these fancy recipes that are available online. I like to keep things as simple as possible.
     It's easy to look at me, and say, "You're fat because you eat junk." or "You're fat because you eat too many calories." It's not that cut and dry when you have medical conditions and take medications. I have gained weight over time, not all at once. As I gain weight, my hunger increases. My motivation to exercise decreases with the fibromyalgia and depression I am constantly fighting. It's hard to motivate myself to do something "extra" like exercise, when I can't get my dishes washed because my back hurts so bad. You see? Some of my medications directly cause weight gain.
     I'm not willing to drink protein shakes anymore. Most are not sugar-free, and I can't imagine a sugar-free protein shake being good enough to drink. I could be wrong. I stay trying to eat whole foods, as in not processed foods. If I can get it fresh, that's how I want it. I don't eat out very much, so that's not a problem I have.
     I stretch when I feel my body getting tight, but it's not on a regular basis. I was doing a women veterans' group at the VA clinic for chair yoga. It was awesome, but the 2 hours driving wasn't worth it, and I dropped out. I was meditating daily for a short time. Then I fell off the wagon as I got fatigued and in pain for several days and didn't do much of anything. It really does help, though, and I should start up again.
     I've been tired lately, and waking up at 2:00 am isn't helping. My doctor thinks my caffeine consumption is to blame for my disrupted sleep cycle. I think it's a mixture of things, like my sleep apnea, my allergies, dry mouth/ dry throat and coughing because if it, having to use the bathroom, overheating, and maybe my caffeine consumption.
     In any case, I've got my custom insoles and lift now, and I need to make some time to walk at least 15 minutes a time on my incline trainer. Taking the first step is often the hardest for me. Once I get going, I'm unstoppable! Research shows that breaking up exercise routines like walking for 15 minutes, is better than not exercising at all. So I have to get away from thinking, "Well, I don't have 30 or more minutes, so it's not worth it."

     After thought: I do take supplements daily. I am experimenting with the doTerra line of health supplements. I take 1) the doTerra MicroPlex VMz , which is the multi-vitamin, something I would normally be taking anyway (just a much more economical version) 2) doTerra xEO Mega, which is basically a supplement to the mutli-vitamin of marine, plant, and essential oils 3) doTerra Mito2Max, which is supposed to support my metabolism. I also take an electrolyte capsule because I don't get them any other way. It's cheaper than spending on Gatorades or Powerades, and not as hard to find in bulk. I take psyllium fiber capsules daily as well, because I have trouble staying regular. As far as medication to help curb hunger, I take Victoza, prescribed by my primary care. 

     I do take a lot of prescribed medications, but I'm not going to go through all of them as it would probably bore you. Just know that if I have been diagnosed with it, I probably have a medication for it. I took pictures of my morning, afternoon, and night medications and supplements to give you an idea of why I was trying to reduce the number I am taking daily. 

5 Year Journal Day 11

     Today's prompt is " Today you lost ____." Today I lost the support of the behavioral specialist who was working with Caleb, from his school. Why? Because today was the last day of the school year. Just when I was getting comfortable with her, and able to ask her for support in specific areas too! Ugh! Just my luck.

     The photos below show the plaque I was awarded upon the end of my time serving in Korea. It reads:
      " For meritorious service as the Supply Clerk for 618th Theater Dental Command, Republic of Korea from May 2008 to August 2010. SPC de Mello's exemplary skills, management acumen, and resourcefulness were critical in enhancing the command's ability to satisfy the dual TDA and MTOE missions. SPC de Mello consistently provided outstanding professional service with steadfast self-reliance in the daily performance of her duties. Most noteworthy was her roll during the 618th Dental Company Area Support (DCAS) fielding of new dental equipment in excess of 3.8 million dollars. These and other outstanding contributions reflect great credit upon her, the 618th DCAS, the 65th Medical Brigade, and the United States Army."

     This is one of my most prized possessions. I am very proud to have earned such praise from the leadership. It came to me as a surprise! I was not aware there was going to be a farewell party. It was awkward for me because 1SGT Randolph was there, and he hated me.
     There are days I really miss being in the Army, and there are days where the reality of my situation really hits home. It could not have been any other way. I wish I could have a career supporting the Army. I was on track to make that happen with my Business Administration: Operations Management , B.S. degree. I fully intended on working in the logistics field after graduation. I was not the same person in 2015 that I was in 2010. So much had happened in between. I just wanted to settle somewhere and have peace.
     By the way, the Mexican food in Korea is awful! LOL We had the farewell party at the hotel on post which hosted a number of restaurants. It had a Mexican food all you can eat buffet on that day. It was not good. Mexican food is one of favorite types of food, and they did not do it justice.
     I feel like  grieve a lot. All the things I can no longer do cause me grief. Watching others go on with their lives, and being successful, gaining rank, making more money, going on vacations, etc. It's like my life ended at graduation day at UNCW. I mean, obviously, I continued to live, but I'm not working towards any goals that those who can work are. I've been told that I should show gratitude for what I have. That doesn't mean I shouldn't want more.
     I want to leave behind a legacy. I don't know how I intend to do that just yet, but I'm working towards it, by writing this blog. I want my life to be inspiring. I want to influence people to achieve greatness.

   

5 Year Journal Day 10

     Today's prompt is "Write down something that inspired you today." I received a text message from my Aunt Lisa that inspired me today. It said that I am "extraordinarily brave" and a "survivor" based on the reading of my journal. It was validating that 1) she is reading my journal and 2) my life has been anything but easy. I don't talk to many people. so I don't really know what an average life looks like, but I am sure I have led no average life.
     I have tried my hardest to be the last of the abused in my family line. Unfortunately, I trusted my dad, when I shouldn't have, and my son was exposed to both his and Sharon's abuses. Maybe Caleb can be the change for out family line. I will never abuse his children. I don't abuse him. I don't believe in the things that motivate my dad to be physically violent with children. I don't agree that that is the answer or proper way to change unwanted behaviors in children with or without medical conditions.
     Mathew had it worse than I did. He was less obedient and less inclined to follow "the rules" and keep from getting punished. I remember one time when we were still young, that my dad lifted him to the ceiling of the living room and threw him across the room out of anger. I was not the only one attempting suicide. He locked himself in the trunk of an old car in the heat of the summer one day, and could have died had we not gone looking for him. Sharon, a black belt in choi kwan do, punched Mathew as a result of him calling her a bitch. At least he was honest. Together they made him sleep in the garage, where there was no air conditioning, along with Sharon's aging Great Dane, Hailey. Hailey was no longer in control of her bowels and was no longer being cared for by Sharon. Mathew saw to her needs, or she would have died sooner than she did. Mathew was also forced to sleep at my dad's auto shop on a cot. My dad would keep him up at all hours of the night to help him work on cars, not caring that he was expected to stay awake in his high school classes. When he was a little bit older, my dad punched Mathew in the face and broke his nose. His nose required surgery in his adult life to return his breathing to normal.
     We lived in the time before the internet, and when the internet was not widely available. We had one computer for the family.  My dad and Sharon only had one cable box for the entire house, and they had it in their bedroom. This means they controlled the tv at all times. I stopped watching tv at all once we moved to Southern Pines because of this. I only used the computer to type my school reports, because it was frequently being used by my dad. The house was small for the amount of furniture being kept. It was both Mathew and my responsibility to deep clean the house every week before being able to go anywhere, or do anything on the weekend. Neither one of them contributed to the cleaning of the house. We were both servants.
     I had problems with my menstrual cycle. Every month I would vomit as a result of the amount of pain I was suffering. One month in particular, I was vomitting all day long. The amount of time in between the time of me going to the bathroom was decreasing, and Sharon noticed. She decided I needed to go to the hospital. My dad, along with every body else got in the van, and went to to the Emergency Room. I was unable to stop the urge to throw up. I had a bag to throw up in. I was feeling weak as I had also had diarrhea earlier that day (usual for me). They ran some tests, and came up with nothing. I was not pregnant, which was their first question. They gave me a shot, if I remember correctly, and I fell asleep. Eventually they sent me home. While I was there though, a nurse told me, "I'm not the doctor, but I think you may have fibromyalgia." I barely remembered that for a long time. I had never heard that word before. I was taken home, and told to rest and hydrate. The bill for this visit was over $700. My dad told me it was my responsibility to pay that bill. I don't know why he thought I could pay it. I didn't have a job at the time. I was still a dependent minor, so, wasn't it his responsibility to provide health care for me?  It wasn't until later that that I sought out a free women and children's clinic where I applied for medicaid for myself. I was in charge of getting my own pap smears and birth control to help ease my symptoms. I was maybe 16, and just barely able to drive myself places alone. Neither Sharon nor my dad ever took me to a regular doctor's appointment. They never put Mathew nor myself in any kind of medical treatment or mental health treatment. We never saw a dentist.
     I remember my first eye exam. I think I was a high school junior or senior. I was having bad headaches in my AP American History class. I sat in the back of the classroom and could not see the board clearly. I made the appointment myself, and paid for the exam myself. I also bought my own glasses. When I put my glasses on, outside, in my front yard, I almost cried at the difference it made. Everything was so clear and sharp and defined! How long had I been living without 20/20 vision? I found out I was near-sighted and had astigmatism.
     Now, I have all these health problems, and my dad wants to take credit for me going in the Army. He believes he was the reason I enlisted. He wasn't. He was the reason I avoided enlisting sooner. He believes that my service leading to my VA Disability Benefits which provides healthcare to me now, was his doing. It wasn't. I did all the work myself.
     Trying to make sense out of a mad man will only drive me to insanity. That's what it's like being around my dad. I'm sure he would take credit for my college education if he could too. He didn't have anything to do with that. As a matter of fact, he made it harder for me to complete my degree as I had to do it alone, without the support of family.
     It's strange that my dad says things like "You don't give yourself credit", and then proceeds to take the credit. 
     I just want to mention something else because it's on my mind as I was talking about it to Nichole earlier today. My dad told Christinia, while he was living on Billy's (my next door neighbor) property in his car, that he would burn my house down with everyone inside. He also said he would blow up the department of social services office, and watch for people to run out and kill them. He was saying that "no one would ever know it was me." That's really disturbing to think about.
     I remember my dad came in to the skating rink one one Friday or Saturday night and caught me skating with an older man, who happened to be a friend of mine. I immediately felt the storm brewing in my stomach. According to him, I wasn't supposed to have anything to do with boys until I was 16. I don't know how old I was at the time, but I know I wasn't 16. When we got in the car, he punched me.
     For someone who didn't conform to the society's standards he grew up in, he sure expected us to. He didn't teach us anything about his native culture at all. He taught Brazilian Portuguese at the Language school for Special Forces at Ft. Bragg for a time, but he never taught his own children his native tongue. Then... he expected us to learn a language in high school.
     I may not be able to keep up with the Jones' around here, but my son sees medical care and mental health care as often as needed.
     In elementary school I began to see the school guidance counselor at some point. I remember being in 5th grade when I came to school late one day. My dad brought Mathew and me to school that day. I had been hit on the forearms and hands with the leather belt for not defending Mathew. Mathew, at that age didn't respect boundaries and was chronically pushing people over the edge, getting on their last nerves. An older girl, who was at our bus stop in front of her house, kicked Mathew in the privates for being an asshole and not leaving her alone. My reaction was to go home and tell my dad. My dad was pissed that I did not stand up for him. I was not a fighter. She was bigger and older than I was. He, in my eyes, got what was coming to him.  We both got hit that morning. When I walked through the elementary school halls, I tried to hold back my tears. When I sat down in my class, I could not hold them back any longer. I was sent to the guidance counselor's office. I told her what happened, and cried even more. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't deserve to be hit. We didn't have cell phones back then, and it was even an expensive thing to have a camera. Otherwise pictures would have been taken, and used as evidence of child abuse. Social services was called at some point. A social worker came to our house to investigate. If you know anything about narcissists, you know how well they can make people believe their stories. This was no different.
     When we were older and Sharon was living with us, the cops were called to the house on several occasions because of my dad's anger. He was scary. I was afraid for Mathew's life.
     There were times while we were in elementary school that we would come home to no electricity, or no cable, or no water, or no phone connection. There was a long time when we had to use pay phones to call our friends. Before Sharon lived with us, we would eat the same dinners repeatedly, mainly spaghetti with meat sauce, barbeque chicken, or I want to say pork chops. My dad didn't know how to cook very much. Besides, we didn't have a lot of money to spend. I remember Dinty Moore  Beef Stew and Ramen noodles.
     I thought that by agreeing to have Sharon move in with us, we would gain a mother. She wanted to be called "Dona Sharon," and I immediately hated her for it. What kind of relationship can you expect from someone who wants to be called Mrs. Sharon? She was educated, so I thought she would support us in our education. She never once sat down with Mathew to help him with his school work. Never once. They made us move from Spring Lake to Southern Pines at the end of my freshman year in high school. The school year had not ended, and this totally fucked me up academically and socially.
     I did make a friend the first day of school at Pinecrest High School. Her name was Rachel, and I met her in gym class. She is still my friend today. We have seen each other through a great many hardships through the years, and she is the only one who I have contact with from that period of my life.
     When I got my driver's license, I drove wither Mathew or Rachel with me , or sometimes both, everywhere I went. They were my battle buddies before I knew what battle buddies were.

5 Year Journal Day 9

      Today's prompt is "Was today typical? Why or why not?" Today was not typical is some ways and typical in others. Today, I had Caleb cleaning the house with my supervision for a couple of hours in order to earn seeds for his Minecraft game. 3 seeds for all the work I requested. Progress was made, and I am happy to have found a way to motivate him to help me clean. Otherwise, it was raining outside and gloomy. I did some work myself on my chores, but did not accomplish everything. I was not feeling fatigued, and was not feeling the pains I was feeling the days before. I did get a call from my dad's nurse. It made me feel strange, like I was being pulled back in to his life without my permission, and against my protective order. She left a voicemail, and I called her back. I let her know about the protective order and apologized for not being able to help her get a hold of my dad. And it was over. So, I'm ok.

     I have been reading a little of "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown each morning after I write my blog. I am now on page 49 of 130. This book is good for anyone to read. I have found that it supports the classes I am currently taking, in that it talks about accepting oneself and not allowing shame to overrule one's life. It is a very positive message and I appreciate it. Words like "compassion", "love", and "belonging" are used, and resonate deeply within me.

     I have been writing my neighbor, who is in jail. I send him a letter a week updating him on the things happening out here. I also send him a copy of my blog. I figure it's something for him to read and occupy his time, if nothing else.

     I feel staying at home with Caleb has allowed me to better influence his behavior. When he gets angry, I do not react, I simply lead him to work through his own thoughts and emotions. It's bringing us closer together and teaching him to communicate more effectively.

    Nichole is in a crisis, and I have no way to help her. All I can do at this point is listen and pray.

     Caleb's promotion parade is later today, Wednesday. We are going to his school to start the parade in the afternoon. It will be by car, and all the 5th graders are invited to participate. Usually there would be some sort of graduation ceremony to celebrate the end of the 5th graders' elementary school career. Tomorrow is Caleb's last day of elementary school. He hasn't been doing his schoolwork since being at home, so it doesn't make that much of a difference to him. I tried to get him to do his work, but he is stubborn. I will try to work with him during the summer on the workbooks I have collected.

     I got confirmation from Mathew that he received the letter I mailed him. He didn't say anything in return though. I wonder if he will write me back.

     I don't know if I mentioned this is an earlier post, but I wanted to share that after Christinia left in January, I was concerned about what would happened if I had an emergency situation and could not care for Caleb and Bella myself. I worried about what would happen if I died as well. I came up with a plan to plan what I WANT to happen in those events, and took my power back over those fears. I created a binder for each, one titled "Emergency" , and the other titled "In case of my death." I would like to share the table of contents of each binder, just in case someone else goes through the same thing. It will provide a good starting place to regain control.

     First thing I have listed in the Emergency binder is the WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). If you have never heard of this, I invite you to look it up and create one of your own. There is now an app that will allow you fill it out on your phone and print it out. It details what you need to recover and get better, as well as who to contact.
     2) Caleb's emergency sheet, which is a document that lists emergency medical information that I would need immediately if something were to happen. It documents his blood type, emergency contacts, and medications his takes.
     3) Caleb medical spreadsheet is a document that lists all his medical providers and their contact information
     4) Caleb's Care spreadsheet is his usual routine and schedule, noting when he takes his medications
     5) Copy of important documents such as Social Security card, Military ID, and Medicaid card
     6) Copy of Caleb's birth certificate
     7) Copy of Caleb's paternal DNA results and letter, because the person listed on his birth certificate is NOT his biological father
     8) Copy of Caleb's American passport
     9) Copy of Caleb's Immunization Record
     10) Police Investigation/Incident Report (Against my dad)
     11) Police Department Operations Report copy (Against my dad)
     12) Domestic Violence Order of Protection (Against my dad) to ensure he does NOT gain custody of my son
     13) copies of other court documents related to the incident
     14) Bella's care spreadsheet noting what medication she is on, and her daily schedule
     15) Bella's shot record
     16) My emergency info document with the list of my medications
     17) copies of my military related ID cards, social security card, medicaid, medicare, driver's license
     18) copy of American and Brazilian passports
     19) my birth certificate copy
     20) copy of my marriage certificate
     21) copy of my divorce decree
     22) copy of my VA Disability benefits letter
     23) copy of my and Caleb's Social Security benefits letters
     24) Bills spreadsheet of when I pay my bills
     25) login info for how to pay my bills in my absence
     26) copy of my DD-214

     So that's my Emergency Binder, the binder used in all cases where I do not die. The Death binder is slightly different, in that it contains the official originals of the documents, and not copies of the things I do not carry in my purse. Also, included in the Death Binder is my notarized and official Will. I also put Caleb's savings account information and college savings account information in there. Oh, I almost forgot to include the original of my accidental death policy (I do not qualify for better life insurance coverage).
     If you have any dependents, it's really important to have their information readily available to the person who would care for them in your absence. I know quite a few people who do not even know where these documents are located. It pays to be prepared. Anything can happen at any time. You just never know. I hope this helps steer some people in the right direction. I know it's a lot of information, that's why I put mine in document protectors and in a binder. In case of an evacuation (we have hurricanes), I can just pick up the 2 binders, no problems, and be on my way.
     I just want to mention that when the COVID19 problems began, I really began to worry about my death if I should catch it. I am considered a high risk for severe problems and death if I do catch it. So, I was already in a panic in January, and had my records squared away before the outbreak. It's important to share your plan of action with the people who would be responsible in your absence. Anyway, that's one reason I was taking my anxiety medication regularly at the time. I have since calmed down quite a bit, and have been able to quit taking it.
    As a side note, it's this kind of work that made me good at my job in the Army. Just saying. I loved my job. Hated most of my bosses, but loved my job. If things had been different, I would have stayed in service for as long as possible. I was actually considering becoming a Warrant Officer in Logistics. I had someone to mentor me, a fellow female soldier who already made it happen for herself. I would have been awesome. I love working in Supply. It really allows me to utilize my strengths, such as organizing and recording data, and providing for troops. 

   

5 Year Journal Day 8

     Today's prompt is " What song i stuck in your head?" I don't know the title , but some of the lyrics are "life is too short to last long", and it plays on Modern Rock 98.7. It has been repeating in my head all  night.

     Yesterday I struggled all day. I was fatigued to the core and sleepy all day. I managed to pull myself together to get dishwasher loaded and running twice, clear the kitchen island of most of the stuff cluttering it, and start the laundry in the washing machine. I consider my efforts successful.

     I decided to light some candles, burn some incense sticks and sage for the fallen today with Caleb.'

     I also convinced him that if he did a good job sweeping the kitchen floor and picking up the stuff there, I would gladly pay him by taking him to Dairy Queen. It was worth the $5.22 I spent on a medium Oreo cookie blizzard! He wanted me to get some ice cream too, but they don't offer sugar free options there.

     On Sunday I decided to wear one of my new dresses that I bought with the expectation of wearing somewhere, like church. It has been in hanging in my closet for months, along with other clothes I bought to wear out, with the tags still on. I wanted to take some pictures in a pretty dress outside, with my hair and makeup done. I actually wanted to go to the beach to have Caleb take pictures of me for Mother's Day, but we never made it to the beach. This weekend was not the weekend to go to the beach here. It was crowded on the island as tourist season has officially just started. I tried on my dress shoes that have been waiting to be worn too. They are strappy high heels, which I learned I will never be able to wear out because they offer no support whatsoever. I just thought they would look pretty with the dresses, and I got them, along with the dresses at a deep discount.

     I just had to google a question about poop. "Is poop supposed to float?" The answer is "Healthy poop should sink in the toilet." I was watching "House" before I went to bed, and it made me wonder, because that was part of the diagnostics they were doing.

     I miss Nichole, my sister-in-law. She is staying with her family for the summer with the kids. I don't get to talk to her as much as I did when she was at home. I'm trying to build relationships with other people so I don't feel so bored during the day. I need people to entertain me every couple of hours apparently. Nichole was good with that because she has 4 kids who provide plenty of entertainment.

     I ma behind on 2 of my classes and need to catch up. I really got knocked down last week. I was just so tired that I couldn't do anything but sleep. I had a few good days and then I crashed. It's like that frequently with fibromyalgia. I just have to do the best I can each day depending on my symptoms at the time. It makes it hard to make and keep plans.

     I don't know who my readers are, but thank you for reading.

5 Year Journal Day 7

     Today's prompt is "You are lucky; how so or not so?" I am blessed, not lucky. If I were lucky, I would win the lottery, be some sort of natural genius, or something like that. I am blessed because throughout my life I have been relatively close to Jesus. My memory has never been great, but I remember giving my life to Jesus at elementary school age. I was saved and baptized for the first time at a church I attended with Simonee and her mom, in Spring Lake, NC. I was forgiven for my sins, and loved by Jesus, even when I was abused at home. Whenever I needed help, I could pray to Jesus.
     When I was in high school, I got involved with a non-denominational Christian youth group called Young Life. It was loads of fun, and gave me a reason and excuse to be away from the house. I met Kristen through a summer program held for youth the summer we moved to Southern Pines, NC. She taught my brother and me basic tennis skills. She invited me to group, and she was my link to freedom away from my dad and Sharon's house.
      I think it was the summer after my sophomore year in high school that I went on 2 Young Life trips. The first one was a trip to Frontier Ranch, Colorado. It was a big deal. I was going without my brother, and that never happened. It was well worth the babysitting and fundraising I had to do to be able to afford to go. The second trip was a girls' only backpacking trip in the Carolina Mountains. It took a lot for me to go to both because I did not have any friends going with me. I went for myself, by myself, and was alone even though I was surrounded by other people. To this day, I remember those trips fondly, and actually wish for my son to have the opportunity to do something similar.
     I felt different from the other kids. I had a lot on my mind all the time. I lived in fear of what was going to happen next. They seemed perpetually happy, and I so wasn't. I longed to be able to decompress. I wanted to make friends, but the other girls in my cabin had already been friends for years, and I was the "new" girl that didn't really fit in with their golf club and brunch kind of lifestyle.
     I got kinda lost for a while, as I grew older, but I found my way back to God. I always found my way back. I felt safer with Jesus on my side. I could never remember Bible verses, but I would read the Bible I received from Young Life all the time. It was much easier to read than the King James version. Even in my darkest moments, I believe I have always had a good heart.
     Jesus carried me through 2 cycles of basic training. Every march we did, especially when I was exhausted and fatigued, I wasn't moving myself but being moved by a higher power. When I was in medic training. I went to bed not remembering a thing we had studied during the day, but every Friday I passed the test that we had to take to proceed. I give it to God. It wasn't me. I was just there. When I counselled others to be brave in training, it wasn't me. I was not immune from fear. I had more reason to be fearful than anyone. It was Jesus working through me.
     While  I was at Ft. Sam Houston, TX, I called my dad one day to check in. He gave me the news about George Libby's death. I did not even know he enlisted in the Army, and now he was dead! He was a Specialist and an Airborne Ranger. My brother was friends with his younger brother in high school. I didn't know him well, as I only met him once, but hearing about his death in Afghanistan broke my heart. I immediately feared for Mathew's life. Being in medic training meant I couldn't be there to rescue him, if needed. My mind went all kinds of crazy and I bawled tears for hours until my eyes were nearly swollen shut. How could I be a medic and let my brother die down range? It killed me on the inside. My heart was so heavy from it. I had to pray. That was what was going to free me from this burden I carried of things I have no control over.
     After I got my Field Grade Article 15, seemed like I was always in silent prayer. I didn't know what to expect. When I went to the airport to fly to South Korea, guess what? I cried and I prayed.
Jesus helps me be stronger than I am alone. When I struggled in Korea with my bosses, I gave it to God. When I found out I was pregnant, I prayed. I prayed over my newborn baby for his health and safety.
     Anytime I find myself in a situation I can't manage alone, I pray about it. When I was a younger child, I would pray before, during, and after being hit by my dad. I never knew if I was going to die one day from his anger. I prayed to live with my mom.
     I remember this time before Winter Break, we were in elementary school, and been caught stealing cigarettes from my friends' parents' supply. My dad beat us over and over again with that leather belt, so badly that it left bruises and marks on my forearms that I had to hide from my grandparents that holiday. It hurt to be touched. It took the whole break to heal. I prayed to end my life.
     There were other times, in my early childhood, that I was suicidal due to my dad's rage. I just didn't want to live through that anymore.
     All that aside, I am still blessed. I am a grown adult, with a place to live, a child of my own, a fur baby who loves me unconditionally, food on the table (with the help of my Aunt Lisa), a vehicle to drive, healthcare, money to pay bills, and now I am working on inner peace.

     Our father, who art in Heaven
     Hallowed by thy name,
     Thy kingdom come,
     Thy will be done,
     On Earth As it is in Heaven,
     Give us this day,
     Our Daily bread,
     And forgive us our trespasses,
     As we forgive those who trespass against us,
     Lead Us not in temptation,
     But Deliver us from Evil,
     For Yours is the kingdom,
     The Power, The Glory,
     Forever, And ever,
     In Jesus' name we pray,
     Amen.

5 Year Journal Day 6

     Today's prompt is " Today was tough because ___." Today was tough because I struggled to stay awake. I struggled with drinking enough water to not be thirsty. I suffer from diabetic thirst and dry mouth, which means I am thirsty nearly all the time. I was successful in limiting my Diet Mountain Dew consumption, however. So that's a win for the day. It was hot outside again, and I really wanted ice water all day. I didn't get any chores done again today. I am just tired, so tired. The outside heat drains the life out of me very quickly. The sunshine was a nice change to the rain and thunder storms.

     I woke up drenched in sweat. It's only 2:03 am now. I wanted to write about how Mona Delfino's class with the Shift Network has helped me, but I am having brain fog. The class was given an "anchoring exercise" which helped me feel differently in my body immediately afterwards. I have been wanting a way to really feel grounded, as sometimes I feel I am not in my body. This exercise puts me back where I want to be. The empowerment statements she offers are powerful and effective in helping me change how I feel about myself.

     I googled "vaginal vibrations while sleeping" because I have been feeling as if I have been sleeping on a vibrator under the cushion of the couch. It is called "internal tremors," and can be affected my caffeine, stress, anxiety, Multiple sclerosis, Parkinson's and a few other causes. It's just another reason to not drink so much caffeine. It keeps me from relaxing because I can't feel like I'm being still when I lay down. I'm in constant motion. The tremors travel around my body, and I have no control over it. It's frustrating to be exhausted, and only want to sleep, and then not be able to.

     I'm not able to think this morning. I just want ice water and to go back to bed, so maybe I'll add more later.

     It's now 5:37 am, and I have started reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown, a book my Aunt Lisa sent me to read. It has been sitting by the couch for more than a week now. I haven't picked up any books lately. Since I feel like it's time to get up, I decided I would give it a try. I can't sleep, as I'm tossing and turning and can't get comfortable. So far, I like what I've read. It mirrors what I was taught in the first module of Mona Delfino's class. Self-acceptance is important to healing. I don't know why my standards are so high for myself. I don't consider myself a perfectionist. I can be my own worst enemy by being so self-judgmental. On the one hand, I like to learn and make changes, and do better than I did before. On the other hand, my self-talk needs work. I don't know how I got to be so negative. It doesn't help that I still believe that I can do just as much as a non-disabled person, which is a lie. So I really get down on myself when I don't live up to my own expectations. My Aunt Lisa tells me to remember to be kind to myself. I try to remember her words often, because change is hard. I have lived this way my entire life. I have not always been considered "disabled", but I have always struggled with my disabilities. There are a few that are new, a few I picked up in my Army service, and a few I've had for as long as I can remember. Everyday is a struggle for one reason or another, and I feel it would be so much easier if I didn't have so many health conditions affecting me. It's one of the reasons I wanted to work on becoming non-diabetic. I think it is within my realm of control to go back to "normal." My dad use to say that I don't give myself enough credit for what I have accomplished. He would then list the things I have done and tell me that I am in a small percentage of the American population, that many people have not done as much.
     I'm not very social. I think I've mentioned that my life has not changed considerably since the stay-at-home order. I don't have many friends who give me feedback, or even talk to me on a regular basis. I'm rather solitary. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here, or anywhere for the matter. I have spent the past few years focusing my energies and efforts on other people's care and welfare- primarily my dad and Sharon. I gave myself up for the sake of others. It didn't matter that I was exhausted. It didn't matter that I was increasingly unhappy. It didn't matter that they were too needy for me to take on.
     Being around many people at once makes me nervous. I want to go the annual Blueberry Festival, but I can't shake the anxiety the thought of going with all those people there brings. I have had seizures, and don't risk taking long drives anymore, anyway. I haven't had a seizure in more than a year, but the fear is still there. My PTSD doesn't help matters. Then, I feel guilty about having PTSD! Its ridiculous really. I don't know. Just because I have never been deployed to the Middle East, doesn't mean I can't have things that trigger irrational/over-reactive thoughts/actions.
     Prior to my dad and Sharon moving in, I had a seizure and was not able to drive for 6 months. I was also suffering from my depression pretty heavily. I would wake up in the morning to take Caleb to the bus stop, and return home and go back to bed. Some days, I wouldn't leave the couch at all until Caleb came back home. Most days it was like that. I was calling my dad everyday before they moved in. Talking to him made me happy. I otherwise had no one to talk to. I mean think about it. Most people my age have jobs and work 9-5. They can't talk to me during school hours. I was so lonely. I knew having my dad around, would help me get off the couch during the day. I miss the better parts of my dad. I hate that the last memory I have of him was so negatively charged and hateful towards Caleb and me.
     I hope my dad gets the care he needs to heal from his traumas. I'm surprised he hasn't been put in jail. He has 2 criminal charges against him and a failure to appear to court. I'm not looking forward to having to testify against him. I don't want to be the reason he goes to jail, but damnit! You can't choke a fucking child! It's not right! He tried to claim that was self-defense! WTF?! Are you fuckin kidding me? I was in total disbelief when he admitted to choking Caleb to the police, and claimed self-defense as the reason. If you could see my dad, who stands at 6 feet tall, and 260lbs., claiming that he was trying to protect himself from my 10 year old, who was only maybe 5 feet tall and 100 lbs. at the time. It's stupid. Caleb did not have a weapon. My dad's arms are longer than Caleb's. He was choking Caleb, and Caleb was trying to get away. He could have killed his own grandson! Obviously I am not over it. It upsets me to the core. Everyday he claimed to love Caleb and then he did that. That's NOT love.
     Caleb wanted to kill himself, and was almost successful twice. He was inhaling aerosols and passed out. He ended up in the hospital. Thank God it didn't cause permanent damage, and I caught him both times. Gotta be like a hawk with this kid. Always watching. Just another reason for PTSD.
     I thought having more adults in the house would HELP me, not cause more problems. Motherfucker! I just want to smash some shit right now, thinking about this shit from last year. We are almost at the 1 year anniversary. Maybe that's why it's coming out again.
     Dear Holy Spirit, forgive me for the hatred that lives within me. Help me heal from my traumas so that I can teach my son how to live a good life despite the assholes he may come across. AMEN.

5 Year Journal Day 5

     Today's prompt is "What was the last restaurant you went to?" Hmm... I think it was the drive thru at Taco Bell. It was a special occasion as I actually had money to spend. The freezer was just cleaned out because it broke down, and I had no meat to cook for a dinner. It was later in the day, and even if I had bought meat, I would not have been able to cook in the crock pot, which is my favorite way to cook meals. It requires less time on my aching feet. We couldn't go in to eat because the dining area was closed due to the corona virus pandemic.
   
      I have been struggling to get adequate rest lately. Yesterday I spent most of the day on the couch. I had one appointment for Caleb's IEP re-evaluation, that went extremely well. I left the meeting in a good mood. I also spent some time out in the yard. It couldn't have been more than 15 minutes. I went outside to check the mailbox for mail. On the way back inside, I decided to take a look at my gardenias I planted last year. Most of them are no longer there. I think the guy who mows the lawn must have weed-eated them, not being able to differentiate them from the tall weeds. I have maybe 3 or 4 gardenia bushes that survived. One bush was growing a predatory  bush inside it. I decided to clip the predator down and remove it, to give my gardenia bush a better chance of survival. When I was done, I was overheating and sweating. I came inside, and was shaking a little bit and dying for ice cold water. Lots of ice water is what I was craving, and air conditioning. It's dangerous for me to work outside in the heat, and it was more than 80 degrees outside earlier in the day. There is no telling what the temperature was when I was out there. I am very sensitive to heat, and attempt to keep my home cold. I had to tell Caleb that I have to be careful going outside in the heat because I can get very sick, very quickly. I have suffered heat injuries before. It would not take a lot for me to stroke because of my history, my weight, and my medications that I take. It's very serious.
     I spent the rest of the day napping. I just didn't feel like I could stay awake, I was so tired. I have been having a runny nose, sneezing, and nasal congestion. I hate it. I had plans to get more housework done. Nothing got done. So that makes day 2 of not being able to do my chores. I hope this feeling passes quickly.
     I have been eating more lately, and I know I am gaining weight. I am eating more carbohydrate foods since quitting the keto diet. It's not good for me to eat like I have been. I see myself doing it, or look back after the fact, and know I have done wrong.
     My feet aren't hurting much lately. I have been wearing my custom insoles with the lift since Tuesday afternoon. I haven't been walking around much, because there is no where to go. I need to use my incline trainer, and I know it.
     Caleb found a turtle and a whole bunch of these tiny crabs out at the veterans' park nearby. He brought them home. He carried the crabs in his ACU pocket. He is so funny!

     Totally unrelated. When I was a teenager, my brother, my dad, Sharon, and I went on a road trip one summer. It was designed to travel to as many states as possible, learning along the way. We drove in a RV towing a two-door Mazda. I don't remember a lot of the trip. I do remember going to Mammoth Cave. We also saw President Lincoln's family cabin where he was born. I remember we went to one of those steakhouses in Texas where they have the 72 oz. steak challenge. We went to Yellowstone National Park. We went on a hot air balloon ride. I collected memorabilia every where we went. At the time, I was interested in fossils. More than anything else, I remember when the RV burned down.
     It happened in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, on a side road that was not paved. The RV cut off and restarted by itself. A fire started in the engine compartment. My dad pulled over, and yelled "Abandon Ship!", so without thinking, I woke Mathew up and got out of the RV as quickly as possible. I did not have on any shoes. My dad couldn't put the fire out with the fire extinguishers. The fire trucks never arrived on the scene. No police showed up. No ambulance either. There was nothing but open green fields to be seen around. I was in shock and was no help at all. All I could do was stand there. Later I would be cut down by my dad for not having shoes on, like that was the real problem. We lost everything in the RV. We had packed to be away from home for about 7 weeks, so you can imagine the losses. It was all very traumatic.
     We were on our way to Chicago for Sharon's daughter's something or other and then to Canada for her wedding. That is what was important to Sharon. None of us recovered our losses as my dad did not have homeowner's insurance on the RV. We never went to therapy for the tragedy. We never talked about what happened as a family. Mathew and I were expected to live life like nothing happened. Not even my clothes were replaced.
     I got yelled at for not having shoes on immediately after the fire. Here in the U.S., a person can go no where without having shoes on. We had to go to K-Mart for Sharon to buy some shoes for me. She bought a $5 pair of sandals. Problem solved, but they were still angry at me. I didn't talk back. I didn't talk at all. I felt worthless. I just wanted to get away from them, but I was stuck in the back seat of a 2-door Mazda instead. It was a long trip home to North Carolina.

5 Year Journal Day 4

     Today's prompt is "The best part of today?" Well, technically, today hasn't started yet. It's 11:46pm, and I'm up. I can write about Thursday though. It was a tough day for me. I woke up around 12:45 am and stayed up until about 3:00 am. I accidentally woke Caleb up while talking to Bella. She was begging me to go back to bed with her. It was thunder storming really hard, and she was scared. When I finally went back to lay down, I was followed by Bella and Caleb on to the couch. Those 2 took up most of the space on the couch, and I was hanging off the edge. The tv was sounding alarms for tornados and flashing flooding throughout the morning. At about 5:45 am, I woke Caleb up to have him move to his recliner, and off the couch. Bella may have followed him, but I don't remember. I was able to sleep until my alarm went off at 8:30 am. We woke up, but I was drained. It was still dark outside from the clouds and rain. I was awake for a few hours, and decided I needed a nap. I was able to rest for a brief time before Caleb woke me up by talking loudly on the phone. I woke up, took my afternoon medications, and started dinner in the crockpot. I was awake for a couple of hours before deciding that I needed a nap. It was then that I decided that I was not going to make it to my online class. I was just falling into a deep sleep when Caleb woke me up again by talking too loudly on the phone. By this time I gave up on getting my sleep. I had a headache and no motivation to get anything done. I was super exhausted. I ate dinner, took my night time medications, and went back to the couch, where I sleep.
     Caleb wanted to cuddle, which doesn't usually last long, and he climbed on the couch beside me. Bella was laying on top of me already. The best part of the day was playing around with Caleb on the couch. He likes to rough house, and be tickled. He made me laugh and I started coughing. I already had a full bladder, and it made me leak. He didn't believe that it happened at first until he felt the evidence on a blanket I was sitting on. LOL I don't know, I guess you have to know Caleb, and/or had to be there. He can make me laugh so hard sometimes. It can be hard to hold it in!
     Before we moved to the couch, Caleb and I argued about eating dinner. Lately he has not been eating the dinners I make. It's frustrating as it's normally the best source of nutrition he gets all day. I only cook one meal a day, and that's dinner. We usually go to pick up his meals from the school for breakfast and lunch. He hasn't been eating those either. I don't like making food for him to eat, and it going to waste. If he doesn't eat with me at dinner time, the food doesn't get eaten and gets thrown away. I hate that. So it really makes me try to get him to eat dinner with me. I'm also trying to keep him from arguing with me when I tell him to do or not do something. It's a work in progress. He has to learn to communicate his feelings without talking back and yelling. He did come to me afterwards to ask for a hug, so that was nice. It's nothing personal. I just want him to eat healthy food at least once a day. I don't think I'm asking for too much.
      I went to bed early, hoping I would sleep through the night. I unpacked my new CPAP pillow today, and used it. Guess who is using it too? You got it. Bella! Yep. Sleeping next to me with her head on my pillow.
      I struggled through the day because I was tired and drained, because the weather was dark and rainy, and also for one more reason. Nichole, my sister-in-law, was traveling, and unable to have our normally scheduled video calls. On a regular day, we see each other multiple times a day for at least 20 minutes at a time, and I get to see and/or hear my niece and nephew. Today there were no calls at all. It might be this way until she goes back home, as she is visiting her family for the summer. I hope we don't lose contact, but it's a possibility. I don't talk to anyone as much as I have been talking to her. I don't know that she is aware of how important our calls are to me.
     In other news, my facial hair is growing out again. Caleb wants to either tweeze the hairs out or shave them for me, but they don't generally bother me. I explained that I have a hormonal imbalance, and that is the reason I have facial hair that is highly visible. He is asked "Is that dangerous?" I told him that I didn't think so, just meant that I have hair on my face, which most women don't. I went on to explain that we are mammals, and as humans, we have hair from head to toe all over our bodies. It's just that some are more visible and thicker than others. It really made him think. Ahhh... science!
     After we played on the couch, he went to his room and brought some of the books I bought for him out. I was excited, but didn't want him to know. I want him to want to read. I bought several bundles of gently used books that he might like to read like "Goosebumps." He brought out a series that I read as an elementary school student, "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. I was so happy. He asked me what he should read, and I tried to get him interested in reading the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books first. He lost interest before he sat down, but the seed has been planted. He has plenty of National Geographic published kids' books on science and history. He loves World War 2 information and pictures of military equipment and weapons. So far, I haven't been able to get him a World War 2 book from the National Geographic collection, but only the Civil War and World War 1 books.
     I have to schedule his days better. It's hard enough for me to schedule my days, as I have to schedule according to how well I am feeling that day. Caleb is always well, and I can not keep up with him. My cousin, Max, mailed him his XBox 360 and some games some days ago, and Caleb has not been able to pull himself away ever since. So, I am going to use game time as incentive to get his work done. He needs to be doing daily chores around the house, spending time reading books, and spending time learning math in order to earn time. I don't have extra money these days, but I would like to be able to buy him some used games as incentives to meet educational and housekeeping goals for a certain time frame. He also needs daily exercise. He likes to go for walks around the neighborhood. I am currently teaching him that it is important for me to have quiet time during the day, where the tv is not making sound, and there is no noise. There also needs to be a screen time freeze at certain periods during the day, where he is not using electronics at all.
     I would like to be able to give him an allowance so he can learn to be responsible with money, but I don't see that happening any time soon. I'm trying to re-establish money habits in myself first. My Aunt Lisa bought Caleb a quarter collection keeper. Caleb has been looking for the state quarters to add to it. It's cute.
   

5 Year Journal Day 3

     Today's prompt is "What are you reading right now?" I am reading a book titles "A Discovery of Witches" by Deborah Harkness. I only read during my downtime on the weekend, if I am able, so it's a slow process. I haven't picked it up in a few weeks now.
     I am in the middle of a 3 different online classes through the Shift Network. The first one is "Become Your Own Medical Intuitive: Energy Medicine to Clear & Balance Your Physical and Spiritual Immune Systems" by Mona Delfino. We are on week 6 of 7. The second class is "Mastering Your Energetic Field as an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person: Support and Practices for Owning Your Intuition & Resilience" by Bevin Niemann. We are on week 3 of 8. The third class is "The Sacred Awakening Course: A Full Spectrum Initiation to Sacred Living" by the Shift Network founders Stephen Dinan and Deva Haley Mitchell. I am on week 2 of 10. So there is reading involved in all of those classes.
    In addition, I am involved in the WoVen women veterans' group that meets on Sundays. We are using a workbook in meetings, so that is more reading. Then let's not forget that I am referencing a "Q & A a day" 5 year journal for the prompts of my blog. I also receive free mindfulness worksheets from Mindfulness Matters from time to time, and I read them. Then there are the free printouts I get in my email for Caleb's growth, the most recent one was about pen pals. I read Facebook all the time, usually for veterans related news, but also for COVID19 news.

     The end of Caleb's school year is near, and we are preparing for his transition from elementary school to middle school. I can't believe my only baby is already 11 years old. I always wanted a sibling close to his age for him, but it just didn't work out that way. I would be a totally different person without Mathew, the brother I grew up with. I love and miss him. He is currently deployed in the Middle East. He serves in the U.S. Army. I sent him a letter about a week ago or so. I wonder when he will get it. Caleb likes to wear my ACU's (Army Combat Uniforms). I think he has a good chance of going in to the Army. He would be the 3rd generation of our family to serve in the Army if he did, which would be pretty awesome. 
     I have to plan out what I want to accomplish over the summer. I have general plans for what I want to do for myself, my personal goals, but I need a plan for Caleb. I don't want the summer to go to waste, spending all his time playing video games. I have workbooks that I would like to do with him to keep him learning. I have been told that we can keep the chromebook we borrowed from his school, for the summer. There are educational games he can play on it. I have not been successful in getting him to do work all this time at home, but that is because it requires my full attention. He will not work on his own. He needs direct and full supervision to stay on task. I don't give him my full attention through most of the day, as I am trying to get my own things done. At some point, he is going to have to learn to be responsible for himself and his work.
     I have decided to quit doTerra. It is just not right for me. It is time consuming in a way that I am not willing to give in to. I have tried the Live Well kit which includes a multivitamin, and other supplements. I have seen no immediate positive results. I like the essential oils, but they are expensive. I like what the company has to offer, but I do not believe a direct sales person should be forced to purchase $150 of goods a month to make a commission. I like Hayley Hobson, and obviously she has a lot going for her, but she came in to the company years ago. I am more comfortable doing what I am doing now, for now.
     I had the hardest time trying to buy paper towels in bulk. I use them for cleaning the kitchen. They only offer a limit of 1 pack of a 2 count pack of paper towels at the local Walmart. I would have to go shopping every other day just for paper towels! It's crazy. Thankfully, my Aunt Lisa was able to help me find some online. When are the grocery stores going to restock back to normal levels? What am I going to do once I run out of bleach based kitchen cleaner? There are none on the shelves. At least now, thanks to my Aunt Lisa again, I have a supply of toilet paper.
     Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was productive, albeit slow, but I did not suffer a lot of pains. I did not require naproxen nor any of my topical ointments or creams for pain. My insoles are feeling more comfortable to me, instead of awkward. I see myself being able to walk on my incline trainer soon, in addition to doing my other chores, hopefully without causing pain.
     My therapist wants me to consider doing EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) for my PTSD. She sent me some information, and I find it quite interesting. I think I would like to give it a try. I have to wait until patients are allowed back the clinic, so it might be August when I get scheduled, but I am looking forward to the results.
     I was able to pay off my second credit card this month! Whoop whoop! (doing a little dance) I project that by the end of October, I will have 5 accounts paid off. That's good considering I didn't start this process until February this year. What a relief it will be. Now, I've had some hiccups. My car needed work, and I didn't know what was wrong. My kitchen sink was leaking. My air conditioner wasn't working properly. My toilet was running the water bill up from running all the time. My freezer broke down. I don't need anything else to break down! If it weren't for my Aunt Lisa, I would not have had enough money to make ends meet.
     Last year, when I was estimating for the months ahead, I had my dad and Sharon living with us. They paid a small amount every month for rent. I never expected that they would have had to move out like they did. I never, not even in my wildest dreams, imagined that my dad would choke my son. I mean, who would think that a grandpa would do that to their first biological grandson? They had to move out rather quickly and unexpectedly, and I lost that income. Then, at that time, Christinia and her daughter were also living with us. She wasn't paying rent, as she had no income,  but she would help provide food for the family meals. It was one less thing I had to worry about, considering all the drama taking place. When she moved out, I was out of the rent from my dad plus the groceries from her. I was in between a rock and a hard place. I need my credit score to increase, so it wasn't like I could just not pay all of my bills, in order to ensure we had food.
     I've been looking for ways to make money for a long time. I have special needs and can't work a regular 9-5 job. I'm a single mother with little to no support system for my son and dog. I use to be in pain most days. Now, I realize that it was stress-related. I use to require a lot more rest time during the day. Now, I realize that is because my dad and Sharon were up at all hours of the night, waking me up and making me uncomfortable and irritated. I did a workshop with the Wounded Warrior Program. I think it was called "Vets to Work" or something like that. I almost took a work at home job that I could do on the computer, but then I realized the conditions that had to be met. I know I can't sit at a computer for 4 or more hours at a time. My body hurts after an hour and a half! So that was out of the question. I need more flexibility than that. Many days, one of us has at least one appointment. On a regular, non-COVID19 day, that means at least 2 hours of driving. The day is gone, and all that has been done is getting to one appointment. It's shitty. One positive thing that came of COVID19 is that people have relied on online meetings and phone call appointments. This, alone, saves me so much time!
     I was training to be a Peer Support Specialist, but Christinia ruined that with her emotional bullshit. I was forced to quit the second phase of training that is required by the state of North Carolina to become one. I wanted to work with veterans. She threw a fit because Caleb accidentally dropped one of his medications on the floor. I mean, she went batshit crazy about it. I couldn't deal with it and take a full time 6-8 hour a day class for 2 weeks. She was talking to me as if Caleb was trying to kill her toddler aged daughter. I mean, really? I'm telling you, her moving out was the best thing for us.
     I have tried to sell some of my belongings on Facebook Marketplace, but was only able to sell my bike at a highly discounted price. Sometimes, I feel like I just can't win. I wish I could create a part time job for myself, doing something I love from home in my spare time. I haven't been able to come up with a solution yet. I thought doTerra would work out, but it's not. There are plenty of work-at-home opportunities for veterans, but if I have to fit to someone else's schedule, it's just not going to work. I have too many appointments. Caleb and Bella also have appointments. It's like my job is driving them around to run errands.
     I'm wide awake and it's 2:39 in the morning. There's a thunderstorm outside and Bella is scared. She was begging me to go back to bed, but I am not ready. After letting her see outside for herself, and telling her I wasn't ready to go back to bed, she finally stopped begging me and went to lay down. She's my fur baby and I love her so much. She was sleeping next to me on the couch with her on the pillow next to mine. She loves to cuddle, and being close helps her through the storms. She starts to tremble from fear of the thunder and lightning. Poor girl.
    I am wondering if I can get my mom and my Granny to do this journal with me. That would be cool! It doesn't take a lot of time. I write a lot because I love to write. I once bought my dad a journal titled something like "Things my Grandkids Say." He never even opened it to read it. He's more of an oral history guy anyway. He loves to tell stories. I'm not very vocal/verbal. I write more than I speak. It's always been that way. One day, it will be appreciated.