I am not done growing. I have goals I have not yet met. I feel like time is running out. Days go by so fast! I spend time doing mundane chores and trying to teach my son how to take care of himself. I would like to continue my education on the Achology site and the Udemy site. I am currently taking a course through The Shift Network, and am scheduled to take another one this month. I want to be a better person. I want to shed my old beliefs that hold me back, and learn the new system of things. I want to be able to help others. I feel like first I have to help myself.
I have classes lined up for spiritual growth and further education about how we learn and process thoughts. I have books that I have yet to read. I get overwhelmed with everything I need to do, and everything I want to do. When I get stressed, it reflects in my body as pain because I have fibromyalgia. My whole body overreacts and it's debilitating. It's a fine line I have to walk to try to maintain a balance. I am learning to meditate and use essential oils.
My dog, Bella, helps me to remember to take breaks. She loves to cuddle. She is a very laid back dog, as long as she is home. She does not react well to other animals. She will bark and lunge towards them. I try to keep our vet visits brief. I have taken it upon myself to learn to trim her nails at home. We always washed her at home anyway. Now, I am learning to brush her teeth. I just bought her dental care stuff the other day. She is so sweet though. I wish I could keep her with me for the rest of my life. Unfortunately dogs don't live as long as we do.
There was a time when I felt pressured to put more "effort" into parenting Caleb. It's exhausting. He argues about everything. He has Oppositional Defiant Disorder as well as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I am learning to take things one day at a time with him. I feel I am doing the best I can. I can't keep up with his energy levels. He literally bounces off the walls at times. I have parenting books, but haven't gotten to reading them yet.
I am trying to find myself in the absence of the only "family" I have ever known. My dad will never live down what he did, nor will his partner. I have to throw away and release myself from their bondage. I do not live to please others. I am here for a reason. I have a purpose, even now that I am disabled. I want to help other women veterans. I haven't figured out where I will fit in best. I thought I might volunteer or work at the VA clinic. It is too far away for me to drive everyday. I thought I would train to become someone who could officially assist in filing disability claims. I can't handle the work load. I take on more responsibility than the person filing, and that's not how it is. So, I have to find my place. I enjoy making connections. Sometimes I have anxiety if the group is too large in one place. I will never give an in-person seminar. I freeze up during public speaking. I prefer to work behind the scenes. I am very capable. I am highly intelligent. I am also disabled. Working around my disabilities is often the toughest part of my day. It requires more thinking to do something menial than I would like to admit. I try to avoid causing myself pain. To be honest, if marijuana was legal here, I would totally eat some special candies. I am waiting for the day to come.
I have thought about moving to a marijuana-legal state. I don't make enough money to sustain a living there though. I would like to live in Colorado. It's just beautiful there. I use to make hemp necklaces when I was in high school, back in 1998-ish. It's funny how some things make a return in popularity. I love glass beads, especially dichroic glass. Some glass artists are so talented!
There is a meme on Facebook that I recently posted, and it says, " Feeling the need to be BUSY all the time is a trauma response and fear-based distraction from what you'd be forced to acknowledge and FEEL if you slowed down." - unknown. I totally feel this is me. I don't like to slow down. I feel like there is not enough time in the day. I have so much I need to accomplish before the sun sets. I don't like not completing my list of things to do. I don't know where this need arises from. I have always been a high-achiever. I don't want to be disabled. I don't want to live life in a disabled way, but I have no choice. I have confronted this thought over and over again. I fight the urge to apply for a job. I know I do not have what it takes to maintain a position anywhere. I thought I could work around some of my problems by becoming a Wellness Advocate with doTerra.
I hope one day my son, Caleb, will appreciate my efforts to take care of him. I never meant him any harm.
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