Being A New Mother

     I had post-partum depression. The thing is I had depression before and during the pregnancy. I wasn't sleeping well. I had chronic fatigue. Having Caleb made it that much more clear that I was all alone. I had no one to depend on. I had to hire strangers to help me with babysitting. It stressed me out. My maternity leave wasn't long enough to handle our affairs, so I was forced to apply for regular leave to extend it. Caleb had to be at least 6 weeks old before he could enroll at the Child Development Center (daycare on post). He needed a Visa to allow him to stay in Korea, which meant he needed an American Passport. I had to wait for him to be a certain age, and his paperwork to be ready to go to the embassy to apply for his Visa. It was a headache.
     It didn't help that when I told my dad about the news of my pregnancy, he said "have an abortion," and his partner said "give it up for adoption." My mom said "you aren't leaving that baby here." Talk about support. I didn't know who the father was at the time, and thought it could be one of 2 people. There was only one of them that I had contact with, Jonathan. He was Puerto Rican, and a dental assistant soldier. He had already moved to his duty station when I contacted him. He came back to Korea to see Caleb being born, but arrived hours too late. I was still in the hospital when he arrived though. He stayed with us at the apartment for about a week. It was a big help. I had pain walking due to the tearing giving birth created, that had to be sewn up. I also suffered hemorrhoids which were apparently common and painful. I hurt to walk, to sit, to laugh, to sneeze, and to cough.
     I loved my new baby. I loved him before I found what gender he was, before he was born. I did not plan on getting pregnant, but I knew I wanted children. I did not want to be single, unmarried parent. It worked out for the best though, I feel. Later in life, I would be told not to get pregnant under any circumstances. Caleb would be my only chance at being a mother. Not having a partner meant not being abused. It didn't save me from future abuse, but it saved me from additional problems at a time when I could not have taken any more stressors.
      I held Caleb every chance I got. I loved holding him. He was so tiny, and yet very big. He was almost a whole 8 pounds and slightly more than 20 inches long at birth! Before he was born, I bought a baby name book with more than 10,000 names in it. I didn't like a single one I saw. Knowing I needed a name for my baby, one day I felt like looking through the Bible. That's where I found his name, Caleb Gabriel, both Biblical names. I decided that he was my baby no matter who the father was, and to avoid problems in the future, he would have my last name. I never changed my last name when I married Nigel. I have always been a de Mello. My child would be a de Mello too. We would be a family unto ourselves.
     As Caleb grew older, he resembled nothing of Jonathan, and Jonathan began to question his paternity. Years later, Caleb would take a paternity test, and it would show that Jonathan was in fact, NOT the father. Oops. I'm pretty sure I told him early on that it could be him or another soldier. I don't regret telling him he might be the father, because it was in the realm of possibility.
    I grieved going to work, and being away from my baby for more time than I was with him. I missed all of his milestones. ALL of them. He first word, his first crawl, his first standing up, his first walking, all done during the day at the daycare. I only had him at home on nights and weekends. I grew jealous of the daycare workers who were able to spend the days with him while I worked.
    When I went back to work, I was shamed for having gained weight. My record was flagged for being overweight, like I needed more problems. I tried to diet and exercise, but having no education in how to do that properly, I was not doing well. I was walking on the treadmill in the apartment to try to burn off some fat, but my weight just wasn't moving. Did I mention I was depressed? Yeah, pretty sure that and lack of sleep didn't help me any.
     When the PT test came around, I passed the 2.5 mile walk because I had been training on my own at home. I couldn't really do sit-ups or push-ups though. I was so desperate to lose even a few pounds, that I went to an off-post clinic to have a liposuction done. It wasn't cheap, and it only made a temporary difference. The doctor told me that he could only safely remove about 10 pounds around the torso. I have 4 sites on the front of my torso, and 4 sites on the back of my torso where the liposuction occurred. I never told anyone that's what I did. I didn't want to be kicked out of the Army for being overweight.
     My NCOIC told me to try diet pills, and that was the first time trying that. It didn't help. I struggled to stay awake during the day. I struggled to sleep at night. Somehow, I still managed to do my job everyday. I tried to recover on the weekends, and looked forward to being able to catch up on sleep then.
     I had the brilliant idea that I could go to school while going through all this. What was I thinking? I enrolled in online classes from The University of Maryland University College. I ended up failing them because I couldn't keep up with the readings and the homework. Really, I was over-extending myself.
      One of the nannies I hired was named Renuka. She was from Sri Lanka, and very sweet. I actually hired several nannies, as I had to hire them part-time, and one was not always available when I needed. Renuka was awesome. I met some of her family prior to leaving Korea. Her uncle worked in her country's embassy in Seoul, and I still keep in contact with both of them. She helped me take care of chores around the apartment as well as giving me time to nap on the weekends without worrying about Caleb's needs.
     Lisa was from the Philippines, and would make me a delicious noodle dish, that I no longer remember what it was called. She also introduced me to Lumpia! Oh! How I love Lumpia!
     It wasn't easy living off-post. I paid 3,200,000 won approximately a month for my apartment, and my housing payment wasn't always enough to cover the cost. The exchange rate determined whether or not I would have enough money, and I had no way of taking advantage when the rate was high. I found that I was not being paid properly according to the published payout for my rank and location. I filed paperwork through my NCO and it never got resolved, so getting angry about it, I contacted my Representative in North Carolina. My request made it through a great many people, all the way back to me, and people were not happy. I was taken to the Finance Company immediately by the First Sergeant. The Sergeant Major of the Finance Company received us. The issue was NOT resolved. According to them I WAS getting paid appropriately. That's not what it said online. I was not at liberty to say anything while there. I was not heard. I was not taken care of. I was just a Specialist.
     While I was pregnant, I was convinced to re-enlist by my NCOIC. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I needed the bonus to cover the expenses of having a baby.
      Also, I was promoted twice while in Korea. I arrived in country as a recently demoted PV2. I made PFC as soon as the time required to be promoted passed. I was promoted to Specialist quickly too, and thank God, because I needed every penny I could get.