Sometimes it helps to process these thoughts of mine, in the silence that occurs while everyone stills sleeps. I have dealt with depression for years. The anxiety is new. I want a certain amount of freedom from both that can't be accomplished just by using medications. I see a therapist regularly when times are tough, but because the VA is understaffed, I can't maintain a schedule throughout the year.
I am somewhat isolated now that I am unable to work, and can not go back to school. I have very little in the ways of socialization. I have tried going to church, but, it can difficult with Caleb. He gets ants in his pants during service. I can't bring Caleb to the VFW meetings, as no non-members are allowed. I haven't made it to the DAV meetings with Caleb. I'm sure he would find both boring. I did go to a women veterans' yoga group at the VA, but it became too much driving back and forth for me. It's located in Wilmington, and hour's drive north of where I live. That means 3 hours of my day are gone when I have yoga, and 2 are just driving. It's taxing. I have just begun going to group Zoom meetings with WoVen women veteran's group. That has shown to be more my speed, although I do miss my yoga. I am also taking an online course with at least 300 other people. I haven't given up. I will find my place eventually. I am taking it slow with the doTerra training. It's exhausting to me. I don't even know if I want to be in business anymore.
I recently moved my music files to my "new" laptop. I've had this computer for more than a year and never moved any files from external hard drive. I love music that I have history with, and can sing. There was once a time when I could learn a new song very quickly just by listening to it. A few years ago, I took Caleb to a Pink Floyd laser show! Last year, I took him to see Matisyahu. TreeHouse opened up for him, and they were awesome. Caleb didn't want to stay to see the whole show... it was unfortunate, but he does like Matisyahu. I try to influence his music choices for some of the more positive artists. I like that he wants to listen to Dave Matthews Band with me.
Anyhow, I've come to the realization that I just want to write about what's on my mind, once a day, and give myself some form of release. I don't want to "dump" on someone who can't handle the information contained. I don't necessarily need or want comments. I don't need to be told what to do. I just want a space to acknowledge the things of my past, and release them in peace. They no longer serve me. There is a prayer or mantra that I learned recently that helps. "Remove from me and my environment, that which no longer serves me to the greatest good, and transmute it into positive energy." It goes something like that.
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