On This Mother's Day

     I have posted a few photos of my beginnings of motherhood on my Facebook page. I knew I wanted to be a mother from early on. I didn't plan to become a mother when I became one though. I was fresh in South Korea, not even there for a couple of months yet, when I conceived. I had flown a 15 hour flight from somewhere in Virginia. I don't remember now. I was having trouble in my marriage to Nigel. He had become abusive and would threaten me, call my chain of command, and accuse me of cheating. One of my priorities once at my permanent duty station was to file for divorce as soon as possible.
     I was assigned to 618th Dental Company in 65th Medical Brigade, in the S-4 at headquarters. I was stationed in Yongsan, Seoul, South Korea. It was February of 2008 when arrived in country. My NCOIC wanted me to get as much training as soon as possible. I was sent to Camp Casey in northern South Korea for a week long training in PBUSE. I had been chatting with another soldier online, and decided that since I was there, and that is where he was stationed, we could meet in person. We did meet. At some point there was drinking of alcohol. I vaguely remember having sex, but I don't know if I wanted it. At the very least, I was taken advantage of. I can't give consent under the influence or while intoxicated. There was a condom. I don't know if it broke, or if he took it off.
      I went to my training the next day, but I should have gone to the TMC(Troop Medical Center) and gotten the "day after" pill. I couldn't miss training. I thought I was ok. I continued to do my job like nothing had changed. I filed for legal separation, which is a requirement for divorce in the state of North Carolina (to be legally separated for 12 months). I don't think I ever talk to that soldier again. I don't remember a thing about him, other than he was stationed in Camp Casey, and a junior enlisted , like me. Pretty sure he was in 2nd Infantry Division (2ID). I lost track of him quickly as my main focus became my job. About 7 months later, I passed kidney stones. I was given medication for pain, but had run out. I was dizzy and taken to the 121st Combat Medical Hospital (Brian Allgood) Emergency Room. They took a blood sample. A nurse returned, and asked me, "Do you know you are pregnant?" And that was that. I couldn't take any more pain medication for my kidney stones.
     I don't remember having morning sickness. I may have thought I caught the crud and dismissed it. I was under a lot of stress and didn't question my lack of a period. I had missed periods before, and wasn't pregnant. I had gained weight, but thought it was due to my poor dietary choices and not being as active as I was in training. I wasn't showing. I was still wearing my regular uniforms. I was immediately put on pregnancy profile, which limited my activities and job duties. My belly popped out quickly, and I had a glow about me. I wish I had taken more pictures. I was stressed out. I wasn't planning on having a baby. What was going to happen to me? How was I going to afford a baby? Who was the father? What was his name? Damn it! Shouldn't I know?
     On New Year's Eve, I was in my apartment. I had to move from the barracks as soon as possible, so I now lived in off-post housing. I was alone in my apartment, and couldn't sleep. I was in pain, so I thought to take a book, and sit in the bathtub to relieve the pain. I sat in the bathtub for hours, until the pain became unbearable. I thought it was Braxton-Hicks contractions. My baby wasn't due for another 2 weeks. Surely that must be what is was. I called Christinia, known to me as "Ricker", married name "Ellis." She came over. I was having a hard time catching my breath, as I got dressed. She was going to take me to the hospital. She arrived, and called the ambulance. The ambulance came. The next thing I know, I'm being told that I'm going in to labor, and I'm getting an epidural. I was told that if I had arrived any later, it would have been too late for an epidural. I remember pushing for a very short amount of time, and giving birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was born on December 31, 2008.
     That's the skinny of the beginning of my motherhood journey.
      My divorce finalized a couple of months later. Oh the drama!

     Afterthought: I love my son. He is my only child. I gave everything I have to raise him, and will continue to do so. I may sound as if I regret having him. I don't regret having him, I regret the circumstances in which he was conceived, carried, and born into. He does not have a father, and I feel responsible for that. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do. I have very little information to go on, and the Army does not allow the use of their DNA bank for any reason other than the identification of remains. I had hoped to have found a partner by now, but it looks like it's just going to be the 2 of us.

     Caleb, if one day you find yourself reading this... know that I love you very much, and can't imagine my life without you. You are literally my reason for living. You are a blessing to have around. Don't ever doubt that your mother loved you very much. I sacrificed a lot just to be your mom. I would make the same decision if I had to do it over again.